We report.
Tonight on Comedy Showcase, Greg Giraldo, Renee Hicks, Matt Winehold, Nick Swartzen
and Ricky Harris, featuring the Tommy Castro Band, and now from the Ash Grove on the Santa
Monica Pier, here's your host, Louie Anderson.
Alright, welcome to Comedy Showcase, the Tommy Castro Band.
Glad you could all make it to this wonderful nightclub that we built just for you.
Every night we're here until we're done, and then we're gone.
So you can drink here, which is nice.
When you go see a show, you don't always get to drink, and some people shouldn't drink
though, don't you think?
Everybody has that friend, and the limit's five, and you know the limit's five.
Before you start going, I should head out, I should get home, really, because you know,
when you get to seven, you know those people, right, that turn on you?
And about nine, because at seven or eight, they turn on you, and nine, they rediscover
you like you just showed up.
What are you doing here?
And I love drunks, the drinks, the drinks, the drunks, the drooms, you know, for all
the languages we do this, and the knees, drunks' knees don't necessarily lock, they'll be standing
there talking to you, yeah, I was over there, and I'm alright, I'm good, and they get mad
at you easy.
You ever had that thing?
I'm mad at you, our whole family's mad at you, give me another one, I'm drunk, and they
ignonce it, like you don't know, I'm drunk, really, crazy, you don't seem drunk, well
I am, I like when they get philosophical with you, Lily, life, live it.
So do not drink, no, don't drink, and especially drive, I think that whole drinking and driving,
you drink and drive, you hurt someone, boom, you're dead, just kill the people, cause that's
a bum thing, cause they never get hurt, you know that right, the drunk guy, they've killed
ninety people, they went through forty cars, he's just got a little banged up knee, right,
everyone else is dead, but you know, he's, he's okay, because of course, he's relaxed,
so I guess the thing is, is before you get hit in an accident, you know, a quick shot,
I mean, you know what I do with people, is leave them in the bar if they get too drunk,
yes, they'll call you the next day, hey you left me in that bar, then you go, how'd you
do with those blondes, good, did good, they don't remember anything, but I'm, I'm really,
I don't drink, I haven't had a drink in, no, in a long, long time, I don't, I just don't,
my dad drank, I'm not a, food, you know, I like the, you know, food, and eating and driving
is dangerous, cause you know, they have it in, you know, you gotta, where you set the
fries, the burger, you can get in an accident, you know, hold it, I'm gonna get the fries,
if they would just invent that one thing to put fries in, seriously, have you ever, couldn't
they have a burger plate, that pulls out, have you ever gotten the food, where do you
set the thing, in the ashtray, well not if you smoke, that's not good, do you smoke,
did you not say that, what do I have, an eye that shoots off this way or something, let's
start the show, oh, oh, alright, our first comedian star in the NBC sitcom, Common Law,
and also is a guest host on NBC's Later, please welcome Greg Giroldo.
Thank you everybody, Louie Anderson, how about that, wow, and the band, how about a hand
for the band, they're great, great guys to buy drugs from, I'll tell you that, they are,
they're the guys, so how's it going, alright, you know, I went to, I was walking down the
street, I saw this homeless guy, he was asking me for money, you know, and I didn't know
how to react at first, because you don't see as many homeless people around anymore, so
he was asking me for money, I was about to give it to him, and then I thought, he's just
gonna use it to buy drugs or alcohol, and then I thought, that's what I'm gonna use
it on, who the hell am I to judge the guy really, people always get so self-righteous
about homeless guys, right, like yeah, give him the money, but you know, it's just gonna
waste it, I'll give him the money, but I don't want him to waste it, he lives in a box, what
do you think he's gonna do with it, save it up by a wall unit, karate classes, IBM stock,
of course he's gonna waste it, let him drink his ripple and have a good time, right, my
friend thinks he's gonna turn all the homeless people around, like I'll give him money, but
you know, I want him to turn his life around, you're gonna turn his life around with your
quarter, here's 25 cents, but you gotta use it to enroll in medical school, good luck
with organic chemistry Smelly, speaking of people that'll be homeless one day, this piercing
thing is getting out of control, huh, I saw this guy earlier today, he had nine hoops
in his top lip, nine hoops in his top lip, what do you do next, hang a curtain off it,
that's all you can do really, you know, you wanna eat, you gotta open it up like a little
puppet show, what kind of job is this guy gonna have in the future, you got nine holes
in your face man, what are you gonna do, even if you take them out you still got nine holes
in your face right, what are you gonna go to an interview, every time you talk it sounds
like the pam flute, you know, you got nine holes in your face, what do you do for a job,
you can shove a hose in your mouth, work as a lawn sprinkler, that's the only thing you
can do really, not a lot of other options, yet it's amazing how little you have to do
in other situations to stand out like a total freak, right, you could have nine holes in
your face and wear a bucket on your head, you know, and nobody even notices you right,
but you can do the slightest thing out of the ordinary and it's like you're the biggest
freak ever, I have a motorcycle that I shipped out here from New York, so I was on the plane
with my helmet in my hand, you'd have thought I was carrying someone's severed head, you
know, everyone's staring at me, what do you got a helmet there, what's that a helmet,
you got a helmet, you got a helmet there, what's that for a motorcycle, you got a motorcycle,
no I'm just very cautious, that's, I use this for escalators really for the most part, sometimes
I have seizures, you know, I want to make sure, people kept staring at it like what's
the guy with the helmet, what's the guy's got a helmet, I almost wanted to just put
it on, you know, can't be too careful, I've flown this airline before, gets a little choppy
sometimes, it's your first time flying, you're going to go with no helmet, alright evil
Knievel, if you want to be Mr. Daredevil, Mr. Crazy, maybe why don't you just fly out
on the wing tough guy, you know a religious phenomena that I'll never figure out besides
castrating yourself and finding out there's no spaceship besides that, is every couple
of weeks somebody finds a painting in a church somewhere or a statue and it's got a little
drop of water on it and everyone thinks it's a sign from God and ten thousand people line
up to worship the painting, are they out of their minds, is that the best they think God
can do, you know, remember God used to, God's not trying to trick us, remember he wanted
to communicate with us, he'd like send his son down from heaven, he'd bring people back
from the dead, you know, there was a part in the Red Sea, now they think there's a painting
with a little droplet of water, are there budget cuts in heaven, is that what they think,
I mean how come it's never something obvious that I'd believe, you know, like if a painting
started talking, you know, right in the middle of church, boring, it's me, God, what are
you people doing down there, I can't figure you people out, who made Hasselhoff rich,
what's up with that, speaking of Hasselhoff, what's with these fake breasts man, you don't
think I know how to make a breast, I'm God, you morons, so speaking of fake breasts, Hillary
Clinton I think has real ones, I'm pretty sure, I don't know, it's all about the segue,
right guys, so Hillary Clinton, you know, this is an amazing thing I've noticed recently,
you know, everyone keeps talking about the white water defendants and how Clinton's got
to decide whether to pardon them or not, but you know what it's like, Hillary can be one
of the white water, Hillary might get convicted because you know, indicted on the white water
stuff, and Clinton's got to decide whether to pardon her or not, whether his own wife
goes to prison or not, how incredibly cool is that, I mean if you're married, that's
an incredible relationship bargaining chip, you know what I mean, you get to decide whether
your wife goes to prison or not, who picks the movies then, you know what I'm saying,
there's no more waiting to exhale at that point or you know, first wives club or whatever,
now you're the king of the castle, I mean you know, Clinton's got to be sitting around
the White House in his underwear eating Big Macs, you know, hey Hillary, you want to run
your fat ass down to the 7-Eleven for some condoms?
I got a date in about 15 minutes, oh you got a problem with that my little potential jail
bird?
Yeah, I peed on the toilet seat, I'll pee wherever the hell I want, maybe you'd rather
just go to prison, that might be it, I don't know, god, it's hard to find someone that
you're really in love with I guess, you know, my friend's like, all I want to find is someone
that shares my interests and is really Catholic, well you know, that sounded a little unreasonable
and then I thought, but look at Siegfried and Roy, you know, I mean here you got a guy,
here you got a gay lion tamer, he hooks up with another gay lion tamer, what are the
odds of that, you know, what do you place a personal ad, all of a sudden my friend doesn't
seem so ambitious, you know, he just needs a rollerblading nun, that's not so hard, I'm
a huge hypocrite, you know, I'm such a total hypocrite, like things like the Civil Liberties
Union, you know, I think I believe in what they stand for for the most part, but every
different situation I feel different about, I don't know what, like you know, the Civil
Liberties Union has been fighting these height restrictions on cops, like across the country
there's these requirements that cops have to be like 5 feet tall and the Civil Liberties
Union fought it because they said it was racist and sexist, against who, midget pygmy
girls, who's 5 feet tall, what are you going to do with a cop that's 4 feet tall, send
him undercover in the circus, that's all you can do with him really, I don't want a 4 foot
tall cop, what if he's got to plant evidence on a high shelf, you know, I want him to be
able to, what if he's got to, what if he's got to chase a suspect onto a ride at Disneyland?
Thank you all very, very much, thanks a lot.
We'll be right back with more Comedy Showcase.
Let's say this is Castrol Syntec motor oil.
And this is a harmful particle in your engine.
Get the point?
You see Syntec's patented stabilizers seek out and neutralize harmful particles, protecting
in ways other oils can't.
Castrol Syntec, the active lubricant.
Nestle Crunch also comes in creamy white chocolate.
It's just more fun to munch.
You know, I've heard of these strips, they're from Pond.
Pond's clear pour strips deep clean to unclog pores and gently lift blackheads away.
So all the stuff you don't want on your nose ends up on the strip.
It's like a veritable blackhead magnet.
Pond's clear pour strips.
So long, blackheads.
It's from the Pond's Institute.
Introducing Knudsen Cottage Doubles, a sweet combination of creamy high protein cottage
cheese with a fruit mix in.
So now you can get your family to eat cottage cheese, yes, cottage cheese, without feeling
like such a mom.
New from Knudsen Cottage Doubles.
Give me an S, S, give me a C, C. Unlike Gordon and the Pickles, Clawson just won't
bend.
Another C, C. When it comes to taste, we make them cold and keep them cold.
So enjoy the cold snap of Clawson.
Around here, everything is last minute.
Can we get a cat?
I barely have time to stay current, but here's some good news.
Now Minute Rice has great tasting Kraft cheese sauce, three delicious flavors in just five
minutes.
New Minute Rice with cheese.
It's the perfect last minute side dish.
I've been making chocolate vanilla swirls jello pudding since I was a kid.
Half luscious chocolate, half smooth, cool vanilla.
Of course, this cup is a heck of a lot nicer looking than anything I used to make.
Chocolate vanilla swirls jello pudding snacks.
Smile more.
Around here, everything is last minute.
Can we get a cat?
I barely have time to stay current, but here's some good news.
Now Minute Rice has great tasting Kraft cheese sauce, three delicious flavors in just five
minutes.
New Minute Rice with cheese.
It's the perfect last minute side dish.
All right, you've seen our next guest on Politically Incorrect.
And now we're going to have a little bit of fun hanging with Mr. Cooper, please welcome
Renee Hicks.
Very funny.
Thank you.
Oh, wow.
I feel your love.
Oh, it's great to be in California.
Great.
Because last week, oh, I had this awful thing happen to me.
I got stranded in a small town in Mississippi.
I'm telling you people, I got the feeling those people did not like you if you were
different and you didn't just have to be a black Swedish girl, you know what I'm saying?
You could have been Jewish or Hispanic or gay or could read or spell.
When I go into a Chinese restaurant there, I could tell as soon as I looked at the menu,
there were no Chinese people in that town.
Sweet and sour grits is not Chinese food.
They didn't even give me a fortune cookie.
They gave me a biscuit with a handwritten note shoved in the middle.
I read it.
It said, two wrongs don't make a right, less you counting backwards.
I was in Mississippi for my family reunion.
Family reunions are hard.
That's when you come face to face with your family tree and realize some branches need
to be cut.
And the names of some of my cousins and nieces and nephews, people, I can't pronounce them.
And please, my Caucasian brothers and sisters, don't you pretend that you have not been introduced
to a black woman.
And when she walked away, you went, what did she say her name was?
Chandelier?
Did that woman say her name was Chlamydia?
Did she say that?
That's a disease.
Did she?
Is that?
Don't pretend with me.
Don't do it.
Black women will name their kids after products.
My best friend is named Aquanet after that hairspray.
Then she named her twin girls, Lamondjolo and Orangelo.
You break that down.
That's Lemonjello and Orangejello.
That's child abuse.
If she had a little boy, she'd have to name him Puddin' Pop so he'd fit in.
I was dating this guy named Anthony Waters and my friend Aquanet said, oh girl, if you
have a little girl, you got the perfect name.
You name that girl, Evian Springwaters.
Oh no, I'd have a traumatized child coming home every day crying, mommy.
They said, you name me after some bottle of water.
Honey, honey, I did, but it's expensive water.
Not like your brother, Toilet.
And those kids, some of them were so bad, I could not believe it.
And my sister, oh no, she does not spank her kids.
Oh no, she told me she calls time out when they're bad.
Time out don't work on potential devil worshipers.
It doesn't.
I'm serious, she said she read it in a book.
Experts gave her theories and principles on how to raise her kids.
Let me tell you something, people.
My mother, she raised five kids.
She did not read a book.
She had something like time out.
It was called knockout.
It was based on the birth of Lee Hicks principle.
See, she theorized that a child would reevaluate his or her negative behavior upon awakening
from a state of unconsciousness.
Parents have to start taking responsibility for their kids because the government is stepping
in now.
They want to ban Joe Camel because they say that kids are smoking because of Joe Camel.
You know Joe, he's got on those dark glasses and that nice suit.
He's the GQ Camel.
I don't think kids are influenced like that.
Come on, let's take it to a test.
Okay, why don't we take the cigarette out of Joe Camel's mouth and put a calculus book
in his hand.
Oh look, Joe Camel wants to go to college now.
Ain't that cool?
Is that a vacuum cleaner in Joe Camel's hands?
He's cleaning up his room.
That's so cool.
If it works, let's try it.
I tell you too, it's funny because some states have started caning, started public beatings
for some of this behavior.
And you know what, I'm thinking caning is a good idea.
I started making a list of other people who should be caned.
People whose car alarms go off in the middle of the night, they don't get their lazy asses
up to turn it off, need to be caned.
Hell, I'm up anyway, I might as well have some entertainment.
People with annoying dogs need to be caned.
Just annoying dogs all over you when they come to your house.
I got a friend like that.
She got a big old dog, it's some sort of mixed breed.
I think it's half Amway dealer, half Jehovah's Witness or something like that.
It's an annoying dog, get away from me.
You know what, you know what I heard about Jehovah's Witnesses that I didn't know?
They don't celebrate any holidays.
No Christmas, no Valentine's Day, no Halloween.
People, I think they're missing something here because I'm thinking trick or treating
for those little Jehovah's Witness kids.
Wouldn't that be like a training exercise?
Ringing the doorbells of people you don't know.
Start them off right.
You know what, what other religion goes door to door is the Mormons.
I didn't know that until I went to Utah.
I also didn't know that there were no black people in Utah.
I thought I'd accidentally snuck under the anti-Negro detection system and I was skiing.
That freaked him out.
A woman came up to me and went, excuse me, how come more black people don't snow ski?
You people are such good athletes.
Well, I had to tell her because the snow looks a lot like cotton and we don't like that.
You guys have been great.
Thank you.
We'll be right back with our comedy show gang.
Quit hogging the cat's shoes.
I'm not.
R2.
I'm not.
I'm not.
Animal.
It's a cat.
It's a beaver.
Look, it's a marmot.
That was a beaver.
Are beavers nice?
Yes.
Look at him.
There he is.
Oh, yeah.
He looked at me.
I'm going to give him a nut.
He's cute, isn't he?
No.
Beavers don't like nuts.
I've never seen a beaver eat a nut.
I've never seen a beaver.
Everyone loves Planner's nuts, fresh roasted taste, and their cholesterol-free.
Oh, he's good.
He's very good.
Planner's, relax.
Go nuts.
Think that'll fit in the van?
There are 10 million thousand things we have to do every day, then we still have to do
laundry.
Really well.
Good thing Whisk is a targeted cleaning system.
Now everything you wash gets done right the first time.
Whisk.
Do it once.
Do it right.
I took care of those guys.
Nestle Crunch.
It's just more fun to munch.
Here we are in this simple, majestic setting, none of the usual interruptions, nobody around
to distract us from introducing AT&T One Rate Plus.
Now, the key point, the thing to remember is that every call you make from home with
One Rate Plus, every call, day and night, 10 cents a minute.
Did you say 10 cents a minute, dude?
How did they find me?
AT&T One Rate Plus, 10 cents a minute any time.
Call 1-800-4-1-RATE to enroll.
Hello, baby.
Oh, you sweet man.
Do I want?
Will I want?
Oh, baby, you know what I like.
What's that, baby?
But.
But.
Oh, baby, that's the one I like.
This is the key point, the thing to remember is that every call you make from home with
One Rate Plus, every call, day and night, 10 cents a minute.
Call 1-800-4-1-RATE to enroll.
Call 1-800-4-1-RATE to enroll.
Call 1-800-4-1-RATE to enroll.
This is the cut that only was washed, which lead in the germs that caused the infection
that could have been prevented by Neosporin.
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Stealthy nose, sinus pressure.
I'll take something.
Now I'm groggy, disconnected.
Medicine Head should have taken Sudafed.
Sudafed clears your head without drowsiness.
Better?
Ah.
Sudafed, for a clear head, not medicine head.
Let's keep it going.
All right.
We're having fun, if you watch Showtime's full frontal comedy or Comedy Central, you've
seen our next comedian.
Here he is, Matt Winehold.
Let's hear it for him.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's great to be back in California while the rest of the country is under water.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
No, that's bad taste.
You know, I have sympathy for these people that lose their homes in floods.
That's tragic.
But I have no sympathy for these people that get caught in their cars.
You ever see these people?
You ever see them on the news, like sitting on the roof of their car, water all around
them?
Help me.
No.
You're an idiot.
All right?
This is natural selection.
How does a flood sneak up on you?
Nobody looks for a tape that long.
Where the hell is Fog Hat Live?
Holy moly.
Fog Hat.
I'm sorry.
That's like the only band I know.
Fog Hat.
I'm extremely old, apparently.
The last concert I've seen, I saw Kiss.
Do you guys know?
Big Kiss fans.
All right.
Great.
If you don't know Kiss, let me explain it.
Four guys dressed up like monsters playing heavy metal, and when you're in junior high
school, that rocks.
And I had friends that had the nerve to go, what are their songs like?
Shut up.
They spit fire.
Is there no pleasing you?
I was in their fan club, which I thought was really cool.
It's called the Kiss Army.
He thought you were great.
Yeah, man, I'm in the Kiss Army.
I'm in the Army with Kiss.
Which is ridiculous.
He says, well, I ain't ever going to call you for anything.
We just declared war on ABBA.
We need you.
Come on.
He put on my makeup and applied for it, so wait a minute.
I was in Reno recently, and I think I found out where they film all those episodes of
Cops.
Because, yeah, oh, you can smell the white trash burning from here.
It's a fire that never goes out.
It's like they built a casino over a trailer park.
I swear.
Buildings are moving.
But one thing I thought was kind of cool is I guess a lot of American Indians are running
casinos now.
That's kind of nice.
A little bit of payback.
Although they haven't really got the whole lounge singing thing down yet.
Hi.
I'm Dean Running Bear, and this one goes out to the ladies.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Jack.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
So how about the rain?
Where are you from?
And I found the worst strip club there, too.
I was just, I was bored.
I went to this place.
It was just awful.
Everybody there was like either just wounded or some sort of mutant.
They've got like, yeah, I mean, they got like bullet holes and lizard tails.
It's like a woman on stage with a breast and a hook, like, argh, argh, which would be wanting
a lap dance, matey, argh, just sad.
It's just that I'm lonely right now because I'm kind of newly single and I look at married
people and I'm, I just say why, really?
Because I'm really amazed when I hear about polygamous marriages.
Because I can't even get one relationship to work right.
Can you imagine like two or three people involved?
Or a sultan that has like 500 whys?
You imagine that?
You can just spend your entire life going, are you mad or are you mad or are you mad
or are you mad or are you mad or are you mad or are you mad, are you mad or are you mad
or are you mad?
Who has that kind of time?
I have hobbies.
I'm a big sci fi geek, yeah, not a computer geek.
No, no, I'm not going to get the computer.
I have these friends that always try to get me to get the computer.
You gotta get a computer, you gotta get a computer, you gotta get a computer, you gotta
get a computer, get a computer.
Cause if you get a computer, we can email, why don't we email each other, we can email.
We'll be emailing that in.
Why don't you just come over?
Yeah, get a computer.
I just got a cotton gin.
I can't figure out how to work that.
I love sci-fi though.
I'm a big X-Files fan.
Do you guys like the X-Files?
Oh yeah.
That show.
That show will make you paranoid though.
The government is behind everything, you know?
The Kennedy assassination, the death of Marilyn Monroe,
and I'm pretty sure they hid my keys.
Because they're gone.
I keep them on a hook by the door.
Government, right?
I think right now, Clinton is looking at my apartment through a view screen.
No, they're not behind the couch, you idiot.
They're right here.
Hey Al, check this out.
He's looking in the refrigerator again.
You moron.
Clinton's cool, isn't he?
He's cool.
I don't care what you think about his politics.
He's cool.
Because no scandal can stick to this guy.
He's like a trampoline.
Just boop-prang.
Something hit me.
I didn't see anything.
People tried to just nail him with this stuff.
What about these illegal campaign contributions?
What?
I don't know.
I was just...
I was over there.
I wasn't even...
You want a sandwich?
Get a sandwich, man.
He is very cool though.
Any of these press conferences or anything, people try to nail him on stuff and he just confronts him.
I'd like to thank you, Joyce, for your question on a woman's right to choose.
I believe everyone knows my position on this.
I believe in prevention first.
But every once in a while, accidents do occur.
A beautiful young lady like yourself.
Find herself strangely attracted to an older statesman type.
A man with a silver-gray mane of hair and eyes you can get lost in.
You don't even want a thin layer of latex coming between you and what you soon...
Oh, we're out of time?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Catch you on the next scandal.
I love...
Politics are just so tabloid now.
It's great.
I love watching Crossfire.
Crossfire is great for Buchanan because he hates everyone.
It's like, what happened to him?
Was he beat up as a child by a gang of gay Mexican Jews?
Hit him, hit him, hit him, Juan, hit him.
He called my Yamaka a beanie.
Hit him, hit him.
You're a schmuck and a pendejo.
Speaking of tolerance, I'm German.
Germans?
Germans, all right.
I don't think there are any Nazis in my family.
There might be, but probably not real hardcore Nazis.
Kind of lightweight Nazis.
Kind of like the mess-ups of the Nazi party.
You know, guys who kept messing up the walk, you know.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
One singular Gestapo, every little book we burn.
Back in the line, Joker.
Nazis had the worst excuse in history.
We were only following orders.
That's like a little kid's excuse.
He made me do it.
Göring sat on my face and farted
till I promised to orchestrate the final solution.
I did not want to build the death camps
but Himmler hung a loogie over my face.
It could almost hit my nose and even suck it back in.
Thanks, you guys have been very nice.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
That wine hole, breaking off.
We'll be right back with more Comedy Showcase.
Right now, get $1,250 cash back on Cutlass
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Mommy?
Yes, Amy?
Grandma said that if we eat too much Crunchy Munch,
we won't have room for her special meatloaf.
Have you ever tasted Grandma's special meatloaf?
Because life is sweet and a little crunchy.
We all know that furniture polish smears glass.
And glass cleaner leaves wood looking dry.
So it can often be very frustrating
cleaning combination furniture.
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Quit hogging the cat's shoes.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
Animal.
It's a cat.
It's a beaver.
It's a brown cat.
It's a beaver.
Look, it's a marmot.
That was a beaver.
Are beavers nice?
Yes.
Look at him.
There he is.
Oh, yeah.
He looked at me.
I'm going to give him a nut.
He's cute, isn't he?
No.
Beavers don't like nuts.
I've never seen a beaver eat a nut.
I've never seen a beaver.
Everyone loves Planner's nuts,
fresh roasted taste,
and their cholesterol-free.
That is very good.
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Relax.
Go nuts.
Think that'll fit in the van?
Whisk presents the 10,000,000 things
we have to do every day.
Then, we still have to do the laundry.
Really well.
Fortunately, Whisk has a targeted cleaning system.
To do it once, do it right.
We'll be right back with more Comedy Showcase.
You know what I love?
Talk shows.
One minute, you're laughing, the next minute, you're crying,
and the next minute, they're roping off your set
and you're testifying in court.
I had nothing to do with it, Your Honor.
You never know what to expect on a talk show,
especially when it's mine.
The Roseanne Show premieres Monday at 5 on Fox 40.
Donnie & Marie premieres Monday, September 21 on Fox 40.
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Inside a drop of Retson for fresh, clean breath that really lasts.
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So you can keep your cool longer.
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Summer.
You can't stop the bugs, but you can stop the itch
because Benadryl Cream penetrates to block the histamines that cause itch.
Hydrocortisones can't do that.
Benadryl Cream blocks histamines hydrocortisone can't.
Our next comic is a regular at the Aspen Comedy Festival,
which I was at.
It was a lot of fun.
You should have seen me ski.
Please.
Very funny.
Please welcome Nick Swartzen, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's hear it.
How you guys doing?
All right.
How you going?
My name is Nick.
How you doing?
I want to start off with a quick impression.
This is my impression of people on a roller coaster.
This is what people look like on a roller coaster.
And that's it.
Goodbye.
A lot of you are looking at me like, where's the rest of the field trip?
That's not funny.
Just kidding.
I was watching.
Actually, I'm from Minnesota.
That was my joke.
I'm from Minnesota.
It's great to be here in LA because we just went through like a nine-month winter.
We have a nine-month winter.
And so my big thing is to get a tan, right?
I mean, I'm so psyched because we don't have sun.
And it's so exciting to get a tan.
So I got to my hotel and I put on my swim trunks, you know,
and I ran onto the beach.
And I didn't realize how pale I was.
But this woman comes up to me and she's like,
can I have your autograph?
I loved you in the movie Powder.
I was watching Wheel of Fortune before I came over here though.
That's my next one.
And I don't understand how people, they're so normal, you know?
I mean, nobody ever gets upset on Wheel of Fortune.
Like when they go bankrupt.
I mean, I'd love to see my dad on Wheel of Fortune
because then you'd see some serious stuff.
I'd be like, whee!
Sorry, Roger, you're good on a zero.
Damn!
Damn!
Damn!
Come on!
Stupid!
I want my money.
Stupid Wheel.
And he'd try to cheat.
It's your turn.
Y'all have a P.
Sorry, no P's.
I said D.
I think I know what I said.
And they always give away the same stuff.
I always think it'd be cool if they gave away things
like you wouldn't expect to win.
Like something obscure.
Like, congratulations, John.
You win your very own wolf.
But that's not all.
You also win a gun,
which will come in handy on your trip to Beirut.
And it's cool being in LA though
because I met up with my friend Derek, who's a magician.
And he's a professional magician.
He lives out here.
But it sucks hanging out with him because he always does magic.
You know?
Like, he's not on stage.
And it's so weird.
It's like normal situations.
I'll be like, hey, Derek, do you have a pen?
Yes, I've got a pen, Nick.
Or did you say this pen?
Did you say one or five?
And my friends hate him at parties when they're wasted.
You know, he's the worst.
He's like, let me see that beer.
Now it's a bird.
My friends are like, you're the devil, man.
And he invited me on a double date.
And I mean, he's really good at magic.
So, you know, girls just love it, you know?
He like comes up.
He's like, you're so beautiful, your hair.
Is that a ring?
Now it's a rose.
Now it's money.
You know?
And she's like, magic man, I need you.
And then I come up.
It's like, what am I going to do?
I'm like, I brought you this rose.
Now it's broken.
I can't do anything.
But I was, I stopped at the gas station on the way over here.
And I ran into a pack of gang kids.
Like the scary wannabe gang kids.
This tall.
But they're so tough.
They're this tall.
And they had this huge van.
They're driving in this huge van, these little kids.
And it was like this A-team van.
I mean, it's like huge, you know?
And I was picturing how tough could they be in this van.
I mean, really.
I was picturing like driving down the street like.
There he is.
Hey!
You're going to die.
You're going to die.
I'm in the van.
I'm in the van.
And I started staring at them, because they're so funny.
I was staring at them.
And one of them turns to me and he goes, hey, watch your back.
And I was like, whoa, easy there, Willow.
Please don't throw a Smurf berry at me.
You scare me.
I'm such a puss, though.
We actually, last time I was in LA, I got in a fight at this bar.
This is the worst, man.
And it was 18 at night.
And I knocked this guy's drink over at the bar.
But it wasn't like a normal guy.
Like, you know, it's like a normal guy.
It was like.
It's like a guy.
And it was one of those things where it happens in slow motion.
You know what I'm talking about?
I mean, I knew what I had done.
And I was like, oops.
I was sitting at the bar and I was like, yeah, the restrooms are right over there.
Oh, no.
And the guy was like, you're going to die.
And all his friends were like, fight, fight, fight.
And my friends were like, we're going to go watch Blossom.
Broke something.
And so.
And I was so freaked out.
And I was thinking, you know, it's not fair because you know how animals have things that they do when they get into trouble?
You know, I mean, God gave animals stuff to do.
And it's like, we don't do anything.
And I remember I'd seen a special on the Discovery Channel about this lizard in Australia.
And when this lizard got in trouble, its head would swell up and it would just run.
And I was like, you know, I don't have anything to lose.
So this guy's like looking me right in my face and I was like, all right.
Whoa.
Anyway, thanks a lot, you guys.
That's my time.
You guys are awesome.
Don't leave.
We'll be right back with more Comedy Show K.
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Mommy, what's sharing?
It's when you give something you really like to someone you really love.
And you get more joy out of that than keeping it all to yourself.
Life is sweet and a little crunchy.
Family get-togethers.
They're lots of fun, lots of food, lots of mess, and take a lot more green to help get them clean.
But not with Joy.
Joy's so strong, just a spoonful does a sinkful.
You'd need twice as much green to equal Joy's power to cut the toughest grease.
So you use less, and using less is the real joy.
Ultra Joy, the little spoonful that does a sinkful.
What's the best part of a caramel apple?
If it's made with Hershey's Classic Caramel, it's the caramel.
Hershey's Classic Caramels.
So soft, so chewy, it's the only caramel good enough to eat all by itself.
We're having fun now!
When our last comedian isn't doing stand-up, he's appearing in movies like Father's Day and The Flood.
Give him a warm welcome, Ricky Harris, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you, thank you very much.
You only do that at White Crows, White Crows.
Brothers be looking at you like, man, tell a joke.
Get up for the band, too. The band is dope.
They was playing blues earlier.
I said, damn, I ain't never heard no white dude play the blues.
He had like cool blues on.
I can't pay my credit card bill.
Got the brother on the drums, though.
He ain't changed his expression not one time.
Look.
The white dudes is keeping up with it.
Come on, we right with your ass.
That's cool, man. Music is universal.
I love all music.
I like a lot of different kind of music, too.
I just can't get into some music.
I can't get into the heavy metal because I don't know what the hell they be saying.
Y'all ever listen to them?
You put the record on, it's got them little hidden messages.
Tell your parents.
Tell your parents.
I'm wondering why everybody walk around mad.
Another music I like, I like a lot, like reggae music.
Y'all like reggae music?
I like reggae music, but there again, I don't understand what the hell they be talking about.
You like this? Yeah, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.
Happy to be out here.
I love doing comedy.
This is my job, you know.
I love, for real, this is my job.
I love doing it because this is like a job that I love doing, you know,
because I know a lot of you guys got jobs that you hate.
Like when you wake up in the morning, you don't want to go to work.
Be mad, have an attitude already.
Wake up early in the morning like, damn, it's morning already, damn.
Only got 12 hours of sleep, damn.
Be pissed off for the whole day.
I love doing my job, you know, because before I started doing comedy,
I used to be like to the curb.
And that's like Ebonics for white people that, you know,
white people that don't know Ebonics, Ebonics to the curb.
To the curb is like when you don't have nothing.
I was like flat broke, nothing.
I was like walked to all my shows.
I used to have like real rundown shoes and my shoes would be flip-flopping,
flip-flop, just, hey, I was to the curb, man.
I was sad.
And one day I was walking, one of my friends drove up in the car.
He looked at me.
He said, oh, man, dang, look at your shoes, man.
You look to the curb.
I said, yeah, man, I'm, you know, I'm going to do a show.
You know, I'm trying to do my comedy.
He said, all right, man, he took out a wad of money about that thick
with a blue rubber band on it.
Man, my heart got filled because I knew what he was about to do.
You know, I'm to the curb walking, my shoes flip-flopping.
He took the rubber band off the shoe and threw me the rubber band.
He said, man, put that on your shoe.
That'll keep it from flip-flopping.
Drove off and left my ass.
But I was always poor too, always, always, you know.
My moms and everybody in my family struggled.
We were like on section eight, you know, food stamps, all that.
We was on section eight.
We had like a nine-bedroom house, and rent was $1.50.
And we would be 50 cents short every month.
We didn't have no money.
Money, we don't have no money.
Our lights used to get cut off so long, people go, man, did you move?
No, we used to have to go borrow electricity.
That's how broke we were.
My mother used to take the extension cord, run it down to it,
and go ask the store man, could we use his electricity?
And I was like nine years old, man, I'm going to always walk with this extension cord.
And then go ask the store guy, can my mama say,
can we use some electricity for a couple of hours?
And the guy would be like, well, damn it, you guys are getting on my nerves.
Go plug it up for a couple of hours, okay?
And I go plug it up, and then we can watch Good Times.
Because that was the only black show, Good Times.
But they never had no damn Good Times.
The show start off right there, you know, it always start off good.
You know, he got a new job, James got the job, oh damn, he got a job,
JJ got a job, then all of a sudden by the end of the show,
damn Floyd, I done lost that job.
I'm like, damn, they don't never had no Good Times.
Wasn't like the happy days, was it?
It was like one brother on the happy days.
And the basketball, he was playing basketball.
Because brothers can play some basketball.
Brothers taking over sports, though.
Brothers need to get into that hockey, though.
That's the sport.
Hockey, you get to kick somebody's ass.
Bah, and then just go sit down for a couple minutes.
I'll be right back kicking your ass in one minute.
To me, that's when this sport going to take off,
when some brothers get into that, to hockey, because you know,
that's what it need, it need some flamboyancy.
Some brothers get in there, get to skating on one skate, yeah, yeah.
You know, get a goal and just be yack, yack, yack.
I like golf, too.
Tiger Woods is the man right there.
He's the man.
He inspired me to go learn how to play golf.
I went out there, I bought me a club and everything.
One damn club.
I'm out there on the hole and the, give me the club.
We out there with clubs and pool sticks.
Taking over tennis, too, man.
Brothers getting serious in their tennis, too.
We got a little sister named Venus Williams, like 16 years old.
Awesome.
You know, got like 114 mile per hour serve.
She's a bomb.
And you know she bad, too, because she from Compton.
You know, coming from Compton, she didn't start off with no regular equipment.
You know, she was probably in the backyard with like a wiffle ball and a spatula.
My name is Ricky Harris, y'all.
God bless.
What is America's number one pregame show saying about America's most valuable tool guy?
He's got size.
A whale of a man.
He's got strength.
He can take a lick.
He's got skill.
Very talented guy.
He's got all the right moves.
He's everything.
He's the real deal.
He has a lot of charisma.
He's Tim the Toolman Taylor and this MBT is on Fox.
Cut down.
Home Improvement, weeknights at 7 on Fox 40.
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The year is 1974.
Richard Milhouse Nixon resigns the presidency.
The oil embargo wreaks havoc on American motorists.
The leisure suit sets an all-time low in the fashion world.
And Rapid Rooter unclogs its first drain.
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See you next time on Comedy Jokers.
Applause.
Music.
Music.