And now, from the Santa Monica Pier in Southern California,
here's your host, Louie Anderson.
Welcome, Tommy Castro Band, ladies and gentlemen.
All right.
It's nice to have you here.
I don't know if you were watching the news last night.
Somebody was smuggling heroin on another flight out of Colombia.
But the funny thing is, well, at least it was to me, it was in the coffee.
Now, you know, they're checking this stuff in, first of all.
You see, we've got enough meals, enough drinks, and 70 kilos of coffee.
Well, it was a pilot who noticed it.
He went, this coffee tastes terrible.
Can I get another cup?
Milk and sugar? No, don't cut it.
I mean, God, that would be a whole new way of flying, wouldn't it?
No more peanuts. How about some hash brownies?
You know, the stewardess did her announcements.
Complementary drinks.
Beer and wine, $4.
A cup of coffee, $50.
See Juan Valdez in the back.
It's going fast.
How about the pilot?
That would explain those unexpl...
That would explain...
I think I was on that flight.
Can't you see him come on there?
This is your captain.
Oh, man, I don't know what flight this is.
No idea.
Wherever the hell I'm going, that's where I'm going.
Just sit back, have another cup of coffee.
Hey, look at clouds.
Let's land on one.
Sit back now, have another cup of coffee, and enjoy Woodstock.
I think they should legalize drugs. I've always been for that.
My dad drank, and I always thought, you know,
it would have been so much better if he would have smoked marijuana at least.
You know, we could have discussed the beginning of time, you know.
The colors of a rainbow instead of every week.
Louie!
I think those neighbors are moving that house closer to us.
I'm pretty sure of it, Dad.
I think they get up about three in the morning, dig that out,
move it a little closer.
By Christmas, we'll be a duplex.
You know, I just don't...
You know, I have friends who smoke marijuana.
They don't seem dangerous to me.
You want to go out? Outside?
Alright, let's start this show. You're a great audience.
Our first guest is a writer on The Chris Rock Show,
and has his own HBO comedy special.
Please welcome very funny Louie C.K.
Thank you. How you doing?
Good.
Good. Nice to be here.
I was watching TV today.
I was watching one of those animal shows.
Do you like those animal documentary shows?
I love those animal shows,
but you ever have the feeling that the narrator is getting bored
and he's just making it up?
Because he gets so intense, he's like,
and now the lion tells the lioness
that they must move to the next watering hole,
because the dry season is approaching
and the young must be protected.
I'm like, you know, I think he's just smelling her ass.
I don't know.
Where are you getting all that?
He's sniffing her ass.
It's easy. It's simple.
I've been traveling a lot.
I was in Maine.
I don't know if you've been in Maine,
but people in Maine, they have a weird accent there.
I could almost not understand anything that anybody was saying
because the accent was so weird.
Like I went up to this guy, I said,
hey, how you doing? And he said,
I was like, wow, that's like another language almost.
I like to travel, but sometimes I get lonely, you know?
You know, sometimes when you're on the road, you just get lonely
and there's little things that people will say to you
that will remind you that you're lonely.
Like I was checking in at the airport and the woman's like,
did you pack your bags yourself?
Yeah, it was just me in the room.
She's like, did anybody give you anything to bring on the plane?
No.
Sometimes I drive and you know when you drive for hours
and you start going a little crazy
because you're in the car by yourself
and there's nothing on the radio.
I was just driving once and I started just going completely nuts
and I started doing this thing.
I started going like this and I started singing.
I was going, I'm doing this right now.
I'm doing this right now.
I'm doing this.
And to me, it wasn't funny.
I was like, serious.
I'm like, yes, I'm doing this.
I'm doing it.
You know, like really loud and then I stopped doing it
because I had to drive with both hands, but I kept singing it.
I was like, yes, I'm doing this.
I'm doing this.
And then I felt this guilt.
I thought, I'm not doing it.
I'm so full of crap, you know?
I'm such a, what am I singing for?
One time I was, I saw this guy the other day.
This is really weird.
You ever see somebody that you don't know again?
You know what I'm talking about?
Somebody that's a total stranger, but they keep popping up.
Like you see a guy, you go, where do I know that guy from?
Then you realize he was in line in front of me
at the bank three months ago.
What is he doing here?
It's weird.
It's like God is running out of extras
in the movie of your life or something.
Starting to reuse people.
All right, you go be a guy on the bus.
But I was just a jogger.
Just go put a hat on.
I don't care.
Strangers, you know what I like to do?
I like to go up to total strangers when I'm bored
and just start conversations with them.
You should try this.
If you have nothing to do,
just go up to somebody you don't know
and just start a conversation.
But the fun way to do it,
don't start the conversation in the beginning.
Just start it in the middle.
Try it.
Just walk up to some guy in the store and just go,
yeah, well, how do you think I felt?
It's fun to screw around with strangers
because there's only a small level of contact
that's really acceptable amongst two people
who don't know each other really, like on the street.
All really anybody wants is like,
that's all anybody wants.
That's like the level you're supposed to stay at just.
So what I like to do is just go a little too far,
just a tiny bit.
Just do a little too much
because then they don't even know
if it was you or them, you know.
Like say you're in an airport,
you're waiting for a plane for like hours
and you're just bored
and you catch eyes with a stranger.
Just do a little too much.
Just go like, like that.
Just a tiny bit.
Then for like three hours,
you get to just watch their face going,
what the hell was that?
Jesus.
I can't look over there.
That guy's a weirdo.
I love looking at other people, you know.
Like I saw this guy on the street today
and he's one of those guys making like a,
he's like trying to act really tough.
And when guys are trying to be tough,
they're just stupid.
They're just idiots, you know.
Like this guy's standing on a corner by himself
and he's just going like this.
He's like,
like what's going on in there?
What is he thinking?
He's like,
standing here.
I always wanted to follow a guy like that
from the beginning of the day,
like to see how he gets there, you know.
Cause he couldn't just be like that.
He couldn't like wake up in the morning.
Showering, yeah.
Washing my ass.
You know I love watching when two guys
are trying to get in a fight outside a bar
and they're at that stage where they're trying to make
tough guy threats at each other,
but they're too drunk to really work them out really good.
So they can't come up with cool ones, you know.
They're like,
I'll stick your ass in your ass.
I'll blow up your face so much you'll,
you'll go, you'll cry.
Also when guys are stupid is when,
when beautiful women walk by.
Like when a bunch of guys are together
and a beautiful woman is like across the street,
it never makes them happy.
It makes them angry.
You ever see that like a girl in a miniskirt
walks by and the guys are like,
oh, what is that?
Jesus.
Look at that.
It's not fair.
California is weird though.
I read this weird thing in the paper the other day.
They said that 80% of the people in Los Angeles
are minorities.
Don't you think you should stop calling them that
when it hit 80%?
That's a very white attitude, you know.
You can take a white guy to China and you'd be like,
look at all these minorities they got over here.
You know what I like to do when I'm bored really?
I like to go shopping.
I like to go to Kmart.
Kmart's my favorite place in the world
because they have so much stuff there
and the variety is amazing
and you can buy combinations of stuff at Kmart
that you can't buy together anywhere else.
I like to go in there and ask for combinations of stuff
that kind of weird them out a little.
I like to go like,
hi, I need a jar of mayonnaise
and a stopwatch
and a Bible.
Just to make them wonder what you're doing
with this stuff later.
Like, I need a case of motor oil
and a huffy 10-speed
and a blonde wig.
Some road flares and a pair of pink panties.
I went shopping at this store near my house
and I got in this terrible situation.
I'm trying to buy just a roll of film, right?
And I was kind of in a hurry and I wanted to leave
and the guy, I paid for the film
and he wouldn't give me the bag, you know,
and I'm trying to leave
and he goes, hey, wait a minute, you know,
if you pay for the developing now,
I'll give you a discount.
And I was like, no, it's okay.
I don't need it.
And he goes, why not?
I was like, well,
because I'm not going to have it developed here.
And he goes, why not?
So I'm trying to come up with something.
Well, because I'm going to France tomorrow.
Now I'm lying to a total stranger
that I'm going to France.
And he wouldn't let it go.
He's like, well, why don't you bring your film here
when you get back from France?
I was like, well, no, I can't
because I'm moving there for like two years.
See, now I can't even walk past the store
for two years
because this idiot thinks I'm in France.
You guys have been great.
Thanks a lot for coming.
We'll be right back with more Comedy Showcase.
See you later.
So long, guys.
Don't forget to call.
Oh, no.
I forgot to tell News 4800 Collect.
Ticket, sir.
I just need to tell my cousin that 1-800-Collects
10 cents a minute every day.
You need a ticket.
It's very important.
I'm sorry.
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
When you call me, use 1-800-Collect.
It'll save me a bundle.
Yeah, I know.
What else would I use?
School.
1-800-Collect.
10 cents a minute every day.
It's first aid for heartburn, diarrhea,
indigestion and upset stomachs.
On the next Roseanne Show,
funny man Jamie Foxx.
You like fat chicks, don't you?
Things get hot when Jamie serenades Roseanne.
It's getting a little warm in here.
Are you single?
No.
Then see if you can pass Roseanne's Sex Ed quiz.
A male reaches his sexual peak at A, 16, B, 18,
C, when he gets to your house.
The Roseanne Show.
Monday afternoon at 5 on Fox 40.
Hank's secret is out.
You were born with a narrow urethra.
And it can only mean one thing.
Was I adopted?
An all-new King of the Hill, 8, 7 Central,
Fox Tuesday.
The production and use of methamphetamine
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Visit our website at stopdrugs.org.
Where meth goes, violence follows.
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Right now, you can see two guys
with serious attitudes.
See the White Tigers every day
at the Sacramento Zoo.
Alright, our next comedian stars
in his own sitcom on the WB Network.
That's the WB Network, I'll get that right.
Please welcome Elon Gold, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you, how are you?
Wow, the WB Network,
they can't contain themselves, look at them.
They're going nuts, Louie.
Honey, put down the remote,
there's a guy from the WB on TV.
And I know what you're all saying to yourself,
Elon, you're a white guy.
What the hell's going on over there?
But we actually, we shot the show on film
and they're just going to run the negative,
so don't worry about a thing.
Here we go, you're a good crowd,
you deserve the good stuff.
Are you ready? Here we go.
And now, Jeff Goldblum looking for his keys.
My keys, I can't find my keys,
but maybe if I retrace my steps.
Enough of that stuff.
Oh, they're too kind.
They're going nuts.
Speaking of nutty Jews,
my parents, here's all my parents do,
they sit around the house,
they talk about movie stars
from their generation who died, you know.
And it's always like these obscure names to me,
like they'll be sitting there like,
so did you hear?
Myrna Lloyd died.
The pathetic thing though is like,
I know in 50 years I'll be doing this.
You know I'll be sitting there like,
you know who just passed away?
John Claude Van Dam.
Well, for years he looked terrible.
And you know who else died the same day?
Blossom.
By the way, that right there,
that's the difference between
Jewish people and black people,
it's just a matter of...
Yeah, it's true.
Every...
Every hip ethnic group has something funky
going on with their necks, you know.
You just look around, you know,
you see the Italians with the...
How you doing?
How you going?
Japanese man with the...
My favorite is the Spanish women
with the circular neck movement.
Yo, yo, yo, listen, all right, listen.
It's just white guys cannot, it's just like...
Can't really move my neck.
White guy, that's right.
Yeah, what's that?
What's going on?
You know what I'd like to become though, folks?
I'd like to become the first Jewish mime.
Yeah, because you don't really see too many of those
because we Jews, we can't not talk, you know.
It's very difficult.
You're like, hello, look at me, I'm in the box.
I can get out of the box.
Oh, you're too kind.
There's more of this Jewish stuff.
You know what else you don't see?
You don't see too many Jewish contestants
on the Price is Right, I've noticed.
Yeah, it's true, it's true.
But, you know, that's just...
That's because there'd be too many arguments, you know.
Just be like, and the actual retail price is $3.99.
What, $3.99?
I can get two for five, what do you...
You know what else you don't see?
You don't see too many...
You don't see too many Jewish astronauts, I've noticed, also.
That's because of our mothers, you know.
Like my mom, you know, if I cross the street, she'll call me,
you have to cross the street, it's dangerous.
Imagine the guy's about to go into space,
he's got to call his mother and nag him forever with this.
It's like, so what's so important that you have to go to the moon?
Whatever you're doing over there, what, you can't do here?
Listen, go slowly when you're flying the plane.
Don't be in such a rush, okay?
You get there five minutes later, the moon will still be there.
So did you rent a car over there?
How are you going to get around?
Do you have where to stay?
Did you bring enough money in case of an emergency?
One more thing, do you think you can bring your brother along?
He's 30 years old, he's not married,
maybe there'll be a girl there for him.
All right, enough of the Jewish stuff.
There's a lot of craziness though,
all over the world we have a lot of craziness.
We almost had a war in Iraq, you know that?
And I'm so glad there isn't a draft,
because my generation, back me up here kids,
we're just too lazy, am I right?
I mean, if someone came knocking on my door,
I was like, this is the US Armed Forces,
got to come with us, join the military.
I'm eating.
Can you come back in like a month?
It's a bad month, really, I'm crazed.
Got to watch The Last Seinfeld, I got a lot to do.
It's not just the lasers, I also don't want to die,
I'm not in the mood.
Why does there always have to be casualties in war?
Why not like instead of bullets,
they load up the guns with little sleeping pellets?
Like tranquilizers, you'd be there in the trenches,
you'd be like, Sarge, I'm hit!
I'm like the Sarge and rushes into the scene,
oh my God, we got men down here.
I need pillows, I need blankets, I need pajamas.
It's much simpler that way, you know?
At the end of the day,
the team with the most people awake wins, you know?
The losers get up the next morning like,
oh man, what happened last night?
We lost the war.
Oh, he shucks.
Well, there goes democracy as we know it,
but why do I feel rested, I'll tell you.
I'm sorry.
I get a little distracted sometimes.
I don't know how that happens.
All right, here we go.
Speaking of the last Seinfeld,
this is my little going away gift to them.
Here we go.
You know they have these new Bic soft feel pens, you know?
Yeah.
Well, this is Jerry Seinfeld and Kramer
for the new Bic soft feel pens.
Hey, Kramer.
Hey, Jerry.
What are you writing with?
It's just a pen.
Let me see that.
Whoa.
That's a coarse pen, Jerry.
I'm getting blisters.
Try this new Bic soft feel pen.
It's plush.
What do I need a soft pen for?
Why don't you ask that to John Hancock.
Sign the declaration with a feather.
Thank you, folks.
You guys have been a lot of fun.
Thank you.
Elon Gold.
Great job. Great job.
We'll be right back with more Comedy Showcase.
We'll be right back.
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He was learning so much.
That doesn't count. You were out.
The roses are out, Timmy, not the daisies.
For one day.
You brought this into my home?
It's not something I'm proud of.
I calmly explained how Edge Pro Gel
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David Schirn, how to make a guy feel comfortable.
More eliminative?
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The roses, Tim, are out of bounds.
Go with the gnomes.
The gnomes, Timmy, are out of bounds.
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What'll it be?
We'll take some rice and...
Get some farf, too.
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Welcome back.
If you watched Politically Incorrect
or saw the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival,
you've seen our next comedian.
Please welcome Shane Forbes.
Funky band, funky band.
I'll be your black comedian for the evening.
Thank you.
She's looking at me.
He's not black, he's beige.
He's like mocha.
That's what he is.
How you doing?
I'm going to ask the guys a question,
and I've got to ask the guys a question.
It is hard, it is hard to know what to say to meet a woman.
You've got a woman, but I came up with a line
that'll work on any woman in here.
I don't care if you're married.
I don't care if you, oh, I don't want to be with a guy.
Use this line, guys, and it'll work on any woman.
Walk up to her, look her right in the eyes, and use this line.
You right there, use this line.
Walk up to her, look her in the eyes, and go,
bitch, I got a gun, get in the car.
I'm telling you, it works.
Ten out of ten times you'll get a woman.
I'm just saying.
Ten out of ten, baby.
Because it's hard being in a relationship, man.
I think it's because I'm starting to get into, you know,
the sign, she's still laughing, and that's a good thing.
Let me tell you something.
It's hard to get into this.
I'm into, like, you know, astronomy now,
and I realize why my relationship didn't work.
I'll tell you why it didn't work.
I'm going to let you know why it didn't work.
It didn't work because, see, I'm a Libra,
and she's a dirty hoe, and that's why it's not going to work.
It's just, you know, with a skank rising, that's what...
She's a...
I hope she gets hit by a truck.
I'm serious, you know, because I love her so much.
You know.
And she's like, oh, you're not as cute as Mr. DiCaprio.
Wait a minute.
He hasn't even got an erection yet.
I'm sorry.
You've seen him in a little well-strub yuppies, please.
I saw that movie, you saw the movie Titanic.
Like, nobody...
Everybody's seen the movie Titanic,
except for what Brothers wasn't into that movie.
I'm sorry.
We've already done that doomed boat cruise thing before,
and we...
You want to get on the boat?
No, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.
Really.
I didn't like the movie.
Three hours?
Please.
I don't want to go to no movie
where I got to take a change of drawers to.
He was like, okay, I got to change my underwear.
It's another hour.
After a while, then you go, sink.
I want somebody to die.
I want somebody to...
I want an iceberg to kill somebody now.
But the thing about it is,
I'm going to tell you what it is.
It's because...
I don't know.
I think there's certain things
that only white people are concerned with
that black people just don't worry about.
You were like, oh, no, Clinton.
Oh, my God.
He's a sex offender.
I'm going to tell you, black people liked him a lot more then.
I'm going to tell you that.
He's smoking joints, he's touching...
We like him more now.
I'm telling you.
Oh, come on now.
Come on, please.
So what?
He got a couple of sexual favors.
He's the president, damn it.
If I was the president,
you think I wouldn't be getting
sexual favors every day?
I got my finger on the button.
Somebody's going to touch my penis.
I'm sorry.
I will blow you up.
I'll blow you up.
I'm the...
Hey, hey.
Al Gore, can you see me in my chambers?
Because somebody's going to touch it.
Janet Reno, I need you for a minute.
Come here.
If you're going to do something with some women,
do it with people...
Look at the women that he was doing with.
Ugly, ugly, ugly.
See, she's looking at...
That's mean.
You know they were ugly.
Tyson wouldn't try to rape these women.
With my act, people are going, ooh.
But it is certain stuff that black people don't do
that only white people do.
You don't see no brothers getting killed
on when animals attack.
That's just you guys.
Any brothers going out there messing with the deer?
Did you see the guy that got killed by the deer
on when animals...
What were you thinking?
He sprays deersin on himself.
He says, honey, going to go talk to the deer.
And the deer stood up and said, I don't know you.
Get away from me.
And hoofed him.
I thought it was funny.
He was dumb as a cup of dirt.
He deserved to die.
You know what it is.
I know what it is.
A certain religion.
I think that a lot of white people are into Catholic.
I understand.
I feel you.
I'm with you.
Hakuna matata.
I'm with you.
But I think that when Jesus comes back to earth,
he's going to be mad at us
because we're fighting over the color of our skin.
And the only color that counts
is the color that runs through your veins.
Now, when Jesus comes back, he's going to be mad.
He's going to come back to that white light, just, oh.
What did you do with my place?
I leave you with my earth for a million years,
and you mess it up.
What is wrong with you humans?
You know, I'm going to kick one of you humans' asses.
I'm sick of you.
And now Tyson can't get a fight, so he's like,
I'll fight you, Jesus.
I'll kick your ass.
I'll bite you on the ass.
I swear to God, this is ridiculous.
That'd be a good fight.
Welcome to Caesar's Tahoe for the fight of the century.
Jesus, the H, hitman Christ.
Versus Iron Mike, sodomizing prison Tyson.
Ding, ding.
Round one, Jesus comes out with a left,
a right, a left, a right.
Oh, no, Tyson nails him with that one.
Ooh, didn't mean to say nailed.
A vicious combination.
He throws a left cross.
Ooh, didn't mean to say cross.
Our judges tonight.
Jack Michek and Bendigo.
Oh, no.
He throws an uppercut.
Jesus is cut.
He's cut.
Wait.
He's healing.
He's OK.
Hey, my name is Shane.
You guys have been nice.
Thank you very much.
Hey, that's cool.
Shane Ford.
Great job.
We'll be right back.
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We'll be right back with more Comedy Showcase.
Well, this week, Steve Young and the Niners' high-powered aerial attack line up against
their NFC West rivals, the New Orleans Saints.
They know too much, take them away.
Fox NFL Sunday, New Eastern, 9 Pacific.
Take a couple with a few problems.
Well, he's a sweetheart, but he plays too much.
The longer she stays in the bathroom, the more damage she does.
Fix him up with another woman.
Can I stop taking his eyes off of me?
Fix her up with another man.
I'd rather be licking those eyebrows.
And getting to spill the beans.
You saw her bra?
She stuck her finger in my mouth and put it back in it.
She kind of kept her finger in there for a while.
Then they got to choose.
Stay tuned.
We'll be right back.
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You'll know our next comedian from his appearances on Friday Night Videos and the U.S. Comedy
Arts Festival.
Please welcome Dan Natterman, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
How is everybody?
Alright.
Hey, can you believe the newlywed game is back on the air?
You can't get rid of that game show.
Keeps coming back.
You know what I don't understand about the newlywed game?
How come on the newlywed game, the couples never think to agree on the answers beforehand?
That's what I do.
If I were on the newlywed game, I'd just say to my wife, hey, whatever the question is,
the answer is bathroom, you know?
Where'd you meet your wife?
Bathroom.
Where do you and your wife like to go on vacation?
Bathroom.
Who's your wife's favorite actor?
A fellow by the name of Bathroom.
I don't much like game shows.
Mostly I watch the A&E channel.
That's my favorite channel.
You'll learn a lot on the A&E channel.
The other night I saw a great documentary on the state of public education in America.
Very upsetting, though, in a way.
Actually, they did a study.
Do you know that they did a study?
20% of American high school freshmen could not point out Canada on a map, and it was
a map of Canada.
All kinds of great documentaries on A&E.
The other day I saw a documentary on capital punishment on A&E.
Very interesting.
Learned a lot.
Like, for example, the night of your execution, you're entitled to a last meal.
You can order anything you want, and they'll deliver it to you right there on death row.
And I'm wondering, what would I order if it were my last meal?
Probably Chinese food, because it's my favorite food.
And so what if you're hungry an hour later, you're also dead an hour later?
Of course, a fortune cookie would be like a cruel joke, though.
Growing up, we weren't allowed to watch that much TV.
We had restrictions on television.
Mostly we played board games to amuse ourselves.
Trivial Pursuit was always a favorite in my family.
Whole family used to gather around and play Trivial Pursuit, until we discovered that
nobody in my family could answer any of those questions.
And then we had to change the rules to something we could handle, and it just became who could
throw the pieces the farthest.
For the bonus round, balance the board on your head.
Had a weird family, no question about it.
Although it's interesting, no matter how messed up your family is, when you're a little kid,
you think it's normal, right?
Because you have nothing to compare it to.
You just assume every other family is like your family.
Like I remember when I was little, I was over at my friend Mike's house for dinner one time,
and in the middle of dinner, I turned to him and I said,
Hey, Mike, these potatoes are undercooked.
Your mother's in for a beating later, huh?
Then Mike spills his soda.
I'm like, dude, run for your life, I'll cover you.
Stay at my place, or this blows over.
So, a lot of beautiful women here tonight.
Always frustrating with all these lovely little water, water everywhere, and not a drop to
drink.
That's what I say.
Man.
But one good thing about me, ladies, is I won't sit on the couch all day and watch sports.
So that's something on the plus side, right?
I don't watch a lot of sports on TV, although I do watch the Olympics in those countries.
Not the winter Olympics, the summer Olympics.
I'd never watch the winter Olympics because they got some dumb sports in the winter Olympics.
Like the biathlon, what the hell is that?
Cross country skiing and then shooting.
Two completely unrelated activities, they smush them together, make a whole new sport
out of it.
Why not just make it a triathlon?
Skiing, shooting, and then a piating contest.
How to make just... And why not throw Simon in there while we're at it?
Remember Simon?
Beep, beep.
Just throw that in there between the shooting and the piating.
Why, the dumbest sport though, I think, all time is the bobsled because that's not even
a sport.
That's more of a physics experiment, something we used to do in high school lab.
Just put the sled on the track, see what happens.
Then you got the two-man bobsled and the four-man bobsled.
Like there's a difference.
Like people are sitting at home saying, this two-man is boring, let's see some four-man.
Two-man's a wussy sport, four-man.
That's a real sport, that takes skill.
Put me to sleep with this two-man, four-man.
Anyway so money is tight right now, I'm not too proud to admit it.
Money is tight.
I got tons of debt.
I got a stack of speeding tickets this high, maybe this high.
That's very high and 90% of them come from the same place too, Maryland.
I don't know if you've ever driven through there, but if you've ever driven through Maryland,
be careful because they will stop at nothing to catch you speeding in Maryland.
They are notorious.
They got all the latest techniques down there too, they got the most sophisticated radar
speed detection equipment, laser speed detection devices.
They even use helicopters down in Maryland.
They clock it from overhead.
It's true.
As a matter of fact, one time I was pulled over in Maryland by my friend in the passenger
seat who was working undercover for the Maryland Police Department.
That's how far these people will go.
He's like, Dan, pull over, you're speeding.
I'm like, Tim, what the hell are you talking about?
The name's not Tim, it's Sean McWilliams.
So I've known you for 10 years, this was a sting?
Hey, you guys have been great.
Thank you very much.
Dan, Natterman, we'll be right back with more Comedy Showcase.
How you doing, man?
So how is my pot roast?
It's almost as good as Aunt Rosie's.
Well, it should be.
It's a recipe.
Oh.
Let's call her.
But it's long distance.
Wouldn't that be expensive?
Not if you dial 10-10-3-2-1 first.
It saves a ton.
How's it work?
Just dial 10-10-3-2-1, then one, then Aunt Rosie's number.
Is it okay if we all say hello?
Sure, talk away.
10-10-3-2-1 is a real bargain.
All my calls over 20 minutes are half price.
Let's pass that phone around.
Rosie, does this smell familiar?
He doesn't want to save 50%.
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Before you dress, caress.
Nothing's tougher on a car than drag racing.
As a result, nothing's tougher on motor oil either.
The extreme stress and searing heat generated by their hard driving can break down an oil
in no time.
That's why John Force uses Castrol, the only leading 10W30 that provides maximum protection
against both viscosity and thermal breakdown.
Because some people have more important things to worry about than motor oil.
Castrol GTX.
Drive hard.
The worst was I'd be at a party and someone would light up a cigarette and that cigarette
would look like filet mignon to me.
My mouth would practically water.
Without Nicorette Gum, I could never have quit, I could chew a piece when I needed it
and I would regain control and it would soothe my cravings fast.
After a piece of Nicorette, a cigarette would only look like top brown to me and that, I
could resist.
Nicorette Gum helps you fight your cravings.
You'll have it your way.
You can do it.
Nicorette can help.
Alright, our last comedian has appeared on Girls Night Out in Deaf Comedy Jam.
Please welcome Lee Ann Lord.
Good evening everybody.
How you doing?
Good.
You know what?
I don't know about you guys, but doesn't it seem like we just can't trust our doctors
anymore?
You know what I mean?
You know when you're sick and they give us a prescription, have you noticed that the
side effects are worse than the original problem?
There's a prescription sleeping pill that's supposed to cure insomnia, but the side effects
are amnesia and paranoia.
How does that work?
You're like, hey, how'd you sleep?
I don't remember.
Who sent you?
This is crazy.
There's another one.
There's a prescription acne medicine.
It clears up the acne, but it also causes birth defects.
This is bizarre.
You're like, hey girl, how you doing?
You're looking good.
How's the baby?
Our little Quasimodo's fine.
You know, that's why people think I make this up, but y'all know I'm not.
Y'all remember Fin Fin, yeah?
Uh-huh, prescription diet pill, women were taking that to lose weight, but you end up
getting heart disease or sometimes a heart attack.
Death is one hell of a side effect.
That gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, I'm gonna get down to a size six even if it
kills me.
Come on, people, what sense does it make to be a good looking corpse?
People show up at your funeral, talk about you.
Did you see it?
Yeah, that girl look good.
I think she went a size six.
You know, I talk about this stuff because I had something happen to me recently.
I was mortified.
I had a really severe stomach ache, you know, from eating my own cooking.
I wish I was joking.
My doctor prescribed Dicyclamine.
Now I went to the pharmacy to pick it up and you know when you go to the pharmacy now,
they give you a pamphlet, explains the drug, right on top it said Dicyclamine.
This medication may cause stomach ache.
Okay, some of you are with me.
I'll recap.
I had a stomach ache.
The doctor gave me something that caused a stomach ache.
This is like going into the emergency room with a gunshot wound and having the doctor
pump two more in you.
Call me in the morning.
And you know your insurance is not going to cover that.
Because you all know getting shot by your doctor is considered experimental treatment.
You know what?
There are just so many things I don't understand and I think I should.
But you know, I'm not ashamed to publicly admit that I am very confused about Ebonics.
Doesn't it sound like somebody at Ebony Magazine and Hooked on Phonics got drunk at a party one night?
And you know what?
They're not teaching that to the kids.
They're teaching it to the teachers to make them more sensitive to the way kids speak.
Does that scare anybody besides me?
Because I'm getting this vision of Ms. Crabtree on the first day of school with her little
English to Ebonics dictionary trying to be down.
Well, good morning class.
Welcome back to the Skizzle.
What's up?
I've been looking over your test papers and some of you are doing I.
The problem seems to be that some of you aren't doing your homework.
If this continues, I'm going to have to bust a cap in that ass.
Keep it real.
Please, call me old fashioned.
When I was coming up, slang was not a second language, okay?
It was Spanish, you know?
Actually, you know, I did four years of high school Spanish.
I loved it.
I even did a student exchange program in Mexico.
It was wonderful, except there was another young lady in the program, my roommate.
Child couldn't speak a word of Spanish.
Went out and got a boyfriend who couldn't speak a word of English.
Brought me on her first date to translate.
Y'all was awkward, you know, because he was like,
Erre es una mujer muy bonita y especial, te quiero.
Liam, what'd he say?
You're beautiful, you're special, he loves you.
Oh, tell him I love you, too.
Take care, también.
Ah, bueno.
Quieres un menaje a toi?
Oh, see, now I know where the kinky people are at, all right.
Oh, man.
Do y'all have kids?
Anybody in here have children?
We ones, we're procreating, some of us, yeah?
You know what?
I don't know if I could do that.
I don't know if I could be that brave.
You know, my best friend gave birth to a 14-pound baby.
Oh, my God, that's a butterball turkey shooting out of that thing.
You know what I'm talking about?
You know, it's actually interesting,
because, you know, the baby's a year old, you know,
and she's walking now.
Not the baby, my friend.
But you know what?
If you spend any time around little kids,
you figure out real quick that little kids are smarter than grownups.
They really are.
I have a niece, ma'am.
She was five years old.
I'm thinking she's just a baby.
Oh, no.
She walked up to me and she said,
Auntie, do you know what lesbians are?
I said, do you?
She said, uh-huh.
Lesbians are two women who love each other.
We love each other, don't we, Auntie?
Yeah, we do, baby.
Go on, put on the Katie Lang.
Let's dance.
You know what's interesting?
My niece is 10 years old now, and she's interested in sports,
and I really wanted her to play golf,
because I heard a sportscaster say once that he thought women were
incapable of being good golfers because our breasts get in the way.
I mean, obviously, this man is incapable of being a good speaker,
because his foot gets in the way.
I mean, come on.
Using this logic, men are incapable of being good runners.
You know what the problem with that is?
That's a stereotype.
You know, women are excellent athletes, you know?
And you know what we really have to do?
There are so many stereotypes that when you know they're stereotypes
and you know they're wrong, you got to knock them down when you see them.
You really do, because that's what stops us from seeing each other
as human beings, you know?
You know what stereotype bothers me,
and I try and fight this every time I come across it?
There are some black people who believe that all white people
are rich and smart.
First of all, it is statistically impossible
for all one group of people to be all anything.
Second of all, I watch Jerry Springer.
Oh, good.
You know, you guys, have you enjoyed me tonight?
Have you enjoyed yourselves?
Okay, wait.
I need to ask a favor, please.
Ladies and gentlemen, the next time you see me,
you know, whether it's live or on TV,
you know, hopefully not just out in the street,
could you all please do me the honor of remembering me
so that I'm not just famous in my own mind, okay?
And I'll help you out.
I'll tell you my name again.
I think it's easy to remember.
It's Leanne Lord, okay?
Now, Lord's real easy to remember,
and it's a great name to have,
because whenever anybody tries to mess with me,
I'm like, excuse me.
My name is Leanne Lord.
I think you know my father.
Thanks a lot, ladies and gentlemen.
Have a good night.
Good night.
Get ready for a hilarious special.
I trained in a full piece,
but if that doesn't work, I take over the universe.
The funny things kids do.
Then, there are many ways to get a man.
In a pinch, I sometimes allude to not wearing an underwear.
I won't be in that pinch.
Ali McFeel.
It all starts at 8, 7 Central, Box Monday.
Kramer, is that woman just wearing a bra?
Kramer!
I wonder if it's going to affect my golf swing.
She wanted to get nasty.
First, I kept saying no.
With her best friend's man.
I gave it.
I can't even go there yet.
Mother Love lays it on the line.
I'm getting ready to take you there, girlfriend.
On the next Forgive or Forget.
Weekday mornings at 11 on Fox 40.
There are many ways to get a man.
In a pinch, I sometimes allude to not wearing an underwear.
I won't be in that pinch.
Ali McFeel at 9, 8 Central, Fox Monday.
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Closed captioning brought to you in part by the U.S. Department of Education
and the following sponsor.
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Thanks for tuning in, we'll see you next time here on Comedy Showcase.
The Tommy Castro Band.
The Tootsie Rolls.