...or play the coop for a wild night of Artusi Dull Dorn rampaging Roy Slaven, who or what has been sticking the bonts up out of the trenches down your end of the swamp this week. Squire!
Thank you very, very much, SG Nelson. Michael Flaherty.
Yes!
He's your River Dance, he's your Lord of the Dance, man.
Oh, is he?
He's leaving the dance to take on boxing. He's going to become a boxer. Michael Flaherty in the blue corner, the little bloke.
Now, look, correct me if I'm wrong, but his sort of gear is this sort of stuff.
Look at those feet, ladies and gentlemen.
And he's really bloody... he's really bloody good at it. That's bloody hard to do, all that bloody Irish sort of dancing. Very hard.
But you'll note in the way I'm doing it here and the way Michael does it is there's no use for the arms.
His arms are so weak. Pugely little arms. He's a little bloke with little arms. You know, kickboxing, I can understand.
I mean, he'd be an absolute bloody killer. Especially once he's got you down. He bloody good.
He'd be all... you'd be nothing. You'd be carbon. They'd be rolling you up and selling you as Axman stuff.
He's got to be a sort of... I hate to say it, but a small man's complex, hasn't he?
I think so. Mickey Rourke style complex. Now, look, why can't he just face it? He's a little bloke.
You're a little bloke. You're a little dancer. And he's very good.
Now, look, from memory, Michael was the sort of person who would leave the stage and dash over to relieve himself night-tool style within an hour of actually coming off stage.
Well, sometimes while he was changing. While he was changing. In behind the job while...
Yeah, just putting on the new frock and then moving your feet at the same time.
Now, look, I put it to you that he won't have that possibility in between rounds in the ring. You know what I mean?
No, unless they put a sort of... curtain up.
...curtain around. Someone comes in and you just see a bit of bums coming...
Ding ding! Pull curtain up!
He's a joker. I tried to like him. I really...
You've got a plan you've written all over it, hasn't it?
A plan of sadness. Because it's so silly seeing a little bloke just getting hit.
Down here and then when it goes ding ding into the cupboard.
He's a goose. He's a goose.
And now, customers, can you welcome to the Channel 9 show a man who is a king.
He's the king of Australia's push to become a republic.
Can you get your fists to do the fighting as you welcome Malcolm Turnbull?
Malcolm Turnbull, a practising lawyer, can often be seen in the theatre foyer.
Malcolm Turnbull, a merchant banker, to certain circles a certified wanker.
Malcolm can see Australia, an independent nation in Asia.
No insecure culture failure wrapped in British burglary.
Malcolm, sit down.
Yes.
Yes, Malcolm, thanks very much for coming in now.
You're a prize winning poet. Do you still, amongst many things that you've done in your life,
do you still dabble with the HB and if not, can you recall one of the poems that won the prize all those years ago?
Yeah, the poem that won the prize really was not as dignified as the prize
because it was all based around a topic for a debate.
The topic was a woman's just a woman but a good cigar is a smoke.
And so I wrote 120 lines of rhyming couplets as a parody of Henry Lawson
and someone told me for a stunt to hand it in to the English department for the Henry Lawson Pryontary Prize
and they, I presume as another part of the joke, gave me the prize.
And was there much competition that year or was it a solitary effort? Turnbull, full stop?
I think there must have been very limited competition.
Right. Now also, you're no stranger to show business.
By the time you were 16 you'd knocked off a, and this I find remarkable,
you'd knocked off a fully fledged musical based on the life of the former New South Wales premier
and controversial figure in the Labour politics, Jack Lane.
Now obviously it would have had limited appeal but, you know, can you remember the big hit out of it?
No, I can't, you know, and I actually, I had a bit of help with that.
I was a bit older than 16 but I wrote it with, we wrote most of the book with Bob Ellis
who in those days was a shadow of his current self.
And the, it was good but we decided that it had limited appeal, you know, very limited appeal.
What was the big song? I'm Jack, Don't Stab Me in the Back? Was it rhyming couplets?
Because you are a rhyming couplet man.
I noticed you wrote advertisements for the Where Do You Get It campaign.
Yes, that's right. No, I, you know, poverty is the mind spring of inventiveness, you know,
and I had a, at one point I was writing Where Do You Get It ads for John Singleton.
That's a great literary figure.
What did you have to rhyme with, like Rinso or Purcell or something like that?
There was a lot of rhymes with peas. Peas were particularly cheap that year and they were on special.
You'd be surprised peas were they?
Yes, you know, there's no need to sneeze, there's a deal on peas, things like that, you know.
Bloody hell, yeah. I could do an ad right now.
Now look, Harry Miller who you must know or Paul Dainty you must have bumped into,
they've never taken up the saucy Jack, the strong man who does politics for you?
No, it's amazing. In fact the book has been lost. Some would say it's been suppressed.
But no, we've never got any calls from Dainty or Miller.
Right. Now look, you've obviously practiced the law for a long time.
What are the comparisons like between law and the theatre?
Do you have to, you know, pull a little wool over a shrinking violet of a judge with a little bit of show business?
Well, I think there's a couple of differences.
For a start, lawyers only have one costume, so that's good.
Secondly, when an actor is out of work he's resting.
When a lawyer is out of work, when a lawyer's not speaking he's generally dead.
And what else is there? The lawyers are better paid than actors. That's about it.
I know you've had some encounters with British law.
A program used to follow us when we were working on the ABC called Rumpole.
Now is Rumpole a fair reflection of British law?
I think it's a very charitable reflection of British law.
Well it's a lot worse than it is in that style.
I would think so, yes. I think Rumpole's portrayed as a lovable figure
and he's played by an Australian so it's clearly an improvement.
That's right. Roy, you should take up the bat.
Speaking of law, the Liberal Party, I think you were up for pre-selection for the Liberal Party at one stage.
Yes, that's right.
Now with the Liberal Party, it seems to me that with the family trusts that the Liberal Party have going,
a number of members of the Liberal Party and probably the Labour Party, I don't know,
why don't they publish a booklet for all Australians so we can all get family trusts?
Get involved in it. Isn't that hard, Malcolm? How do you form a family trust?
No, no, there's a very principle.
There are a lot of people here, we want to be having a bloody dodge tax like everybody else.
Look, you've got to bear this in mind, our political leaders recognise that this is an issue
which unites concern for the family and trust.
And of course there are only certain families that you can trust
and by and large it doesn't include any of our families.
Isn't it easy to set up? Is there a trap there for the...
Well, I don't have a family trust, so I'm not that familiar with it.
Would you offer advice?
I think they're pretty straightforward.
Right, you know, if we were offering advice to each other in the confines of Chambers
and I came to you and said, Malcolm, I've got to say, I want to minimise my tax,
I've earned over $100 this year, would a family trust be the way to go?
No, I don't think so. I think with $100 you'd probably be better off just copping it sweet, I think.
Right, now let's move on to the Republican movement.
Obviously everybody's got a fairly clear idea of what happened in February.
Where do you think this is going now?
I mean, obviously there's the thing to be put to the nation and so on,
but in the conversations you've had since it seems to have gone off the boil,
run over by a million other things, you know, what's your impression of where it's at now?
Right, well, there'll be a referendum I would think around October, November next year,
so the actual votes are way away.
Yes.
And then you've just got to pass a constitution amendment bill which puts the recommendations
of the convention into a form that can be voted on.
And we in the Republican movement are quite relaxed about it being off the boil.
I mean, you can't keep any issue on the front burner all the time.
And we've got a federal election coming up, we've got a war on the waterfront,
we've got a fight over Wick, there's a whole host of issues
that are going to get more headlines right at the moment.
So the Republic will be back on the front burner I would think after the federal election.
Speaking of the waterfront, where's the government gone wrong here?
I mean, if you were advising Peter Reath tonight, what would you say to him to do?
To bloody get the Army in and sort it out? I mean, is that going to be the solution?
No, I don't think so. I think the Army would be moving those containers any quicker than the war people.
We've got to get the people out of the bloody way. Isn't that what we want to get the Army for?
The police can't do it because we don't have enough of them.
Have we got to get the Army in or get some sort of help?
Well, you know, I've got to be honest with you, with no disrespect to the armed forces,
if I was considering a battle between the MUA and the Australian Army,
I'm not sure that I'd back the Army, you know.
Unless we surprise them first, you know, get there with a few bloody Gatling guns,
take out a few hundred, you know, let them know we're serious.
No, I think it's a, I think that's, look, a bit of common sense will surely come to the fore.
I mean, it's a test of leadership. That's what Reath and Howard are meant to do, you know.
That's what they're discovering. They've got to, see, people don't like conflict.
People recognise conflict is necessary, but the real political marks, the rewards,
are going to come to the people that can get a deal done.
But don't you think conflict here is an electoral strategy that, you know,
if you divide the country up a little bit, you get those who, you know, aren't being threatened
deciding to stay with, you know, the power that is going to attack the more threatened.
Isn't that the way it works?
Look, most people don't want conflict.
Most people want to recognise that we've got more things in common than we have things that divide us.
That's why the Republic's such an important...
So they've got to sort this out very quickly.
The longer it goes, the more damaging it's going to be.
Absolutely, absolutely. Yeah, I've got to get a deal done.
Now, speaking of the Republic and leadership, what was the cathartic moment for you
when you thought, bloody hell, it's just not good enough,
Australia being part of the old Commonwealth, the old empire?
Yeah.
What was the moment when you thought, I've got to do something about it?
Well, it was 1988, January 26, 1988.
Yeah.
You know, the beginning of our bicentennial year.
Yep.
And we had that huge day on Sydney Harbour, which many of us would remember.
Yep.
And who was the most important speaker?
Who was the man in primary position?
Prince Charles.
Yep.
And as that year went on, at every big public ceremony,
we had to have a member of the royal family,
and we were getting down to the third cousins five times removed
and all sorts of characters that were being exhumed from family vaults
that no-one had ever heard of, and they were being wheeled out here,
some of them, you know, more dead than alive.
And it occurred to me that a great country like this,
and this is the best country,
surely should need to import the aristocracy of another country
to celebrate its, you know, national days.
Well, does it get up your nose when, say, you go to the United Kingdom,
and I know you've been there, a Rhodes Scholar,
and you've been there for other reasons as well,
the Spycatcher trial, et cetera,
does it get up your nose when you see expats like Barry Humphreys
and Clive James talking down Australia?
I think they are. I think they're an Australian,
saying we should stay with the monarchy.
I mean, does that get up your nose?
Well, I think it doesn't really get up my nose.
I think they're wrong.
I mean, I've been... People accuse me of not having a sense of humor,
but I've never been a great fan of Barry Humphreys
because I think he's basically making a quid out of denigrating Australia.
I mean, he gets up there on stage in London,
and he tells the Brits, he portrays...
He caricatures Australia in a way that they want to see Australia.
Yeah, true.
I don't know anyone else that makes a dollar out of doing that.
No, he makes Australians look like stupid, bloody belligerent lap dogs, doesn't he?
Corks around the hatch, cop people, copper!
You know what I mean? You've been in those cabs.
No, I think what he's really doing, he's sending up...
He's sending up a sort of Moonee Pond circa 1950,
which if he lived in Australia, he'd realise most people don't actually remember.
The Moonee Ponds served in 1950. He deserves being sent up, though.
Well, you may as well send up Moonee Ponds 1850 for the relevance it's got to most people.
I mean, most people in Australia weren't born in 1950.
How litigious are you? Everybody's second article I read about you,
the journalists wasn't going to say what they really felt because they said you'd phoned up
and said, if you say anything I don't like, I'm going to sue you.
Well, that's not true.
Well, why don't you sue him for saying that?
Well, I've... No, I've... I've...
Look, it's very funny, you know, it's...
You've only got to win a couple of court cases and you get a great reputation.
I've actually... I've actually been a plaintiff in court, I think, twice...
Yeah. Twice in my life, but...
All right. It's just... That's...
Well... The reputation... It doesn't do me any harm, you know.
Well, it's just only the show like this, you know, we're as soon as ferocious characters
who want to get people into the dentist's chair where you're sitting now
and open up the mouth and go in boots and all, you know, Michael Fardly style.
Sort of investigative reporting, really.
Now, look, can I come back to the question I asked a little bit a while ago about the Republic?
You know, apart from all that, which is the framework in which this is going to unfold politically,
what's your feeling, what's your impression of the mood of the nation?
If we shove the thermometer up the rectum, these are V, the Republic,
what sort of soundings are we going to take?
Well, I don't know that that's the right place to put the thermometer.
But it's a matter, you know, it's a matter of personal choice.
You should be able to put your thermometer wherever you want. You're an adult.
I wouldn't do that.
But I think the mood of the nation is thoroughly onside.
I think it was great at the Constitutional Convention,
seeing so many people from, you know, different sides of politics, different backgrounds coming together.
And I think it's going to be a great unifying exercise.
And I think it'll be a wonderful thing for Australia
and a wonderful statement that we believe in ourselves
and we believe we're good enough and great enough to have one of our own people as our head of state.
Well, why can't we elect that person? That seems to be the sticking point.
Why can't we elect the person to be our head of state?
Well, there's no question that we can.
But if you want that head of state to be an impartial person,
to be above party politics, to act as an umpire in times of constitutional crisis,
then it doesn't make any sense to directly elect that person,
just as it doesn't make any sense to directly elect the judges.
So you worry that the wealthiest members of the community could put in whoever they like?
Well, it's not just that.
Political parties could put in whoever they like.
You know, if you want to have a directly elected head of state,
then that person should also be the head of government, as he is in the United States.
But there's no move for that here.
So what we're saying is you directly elect your parliamentarians,
you in effect directly elect the Prime Minister, he or she runs the country,
and then you have somebody that's chosen in a bipartisan fashion by both sides of politics
that's clearly seen as impartial, who has that role as head of state.
Well, why is that such a difficult message to sell?
I don't think it is. I think we're doing pretty well.
I think we're doing pretty well. We had the numbers at the Constitutional Convention.
Is that a position that you adopt there, one which you believe is possible to put to all the community
and get it through, as opposed to the millions of choices you could make
about electing the President or having it appointed?
Well, there's only going to be one choice.
In 1999, you'll either have the status quo, sign up for another 100 years of the Queen,
or alternatively, you'll have the choice of an Australian citizen chosen in the fashion I've described.
Have you ever met the Queen?
No, I haven't, no.
Prince Philip?
Yes, I've met Philip, yes.
What's he like? I hear he's a really weird man.
No, no, no, he's all right. He's all right.
I don't think he'll shed...
I don't think he'll be as bad as a cat bloody snake.
He may well be, but he didn't show any signs of senile dementia or anything of that kind in my presence.
Mind you, he was probably on his best behaviour, he had all his pills and so forth.
But I would... I don't think he'll lose... No, I would not get anywhere near any of that mob with a gun.
And I think it would be tempting for either side to be equipped in that fashion,
probably best if everyone stays unarmed at all times.
Sure.
Well, look, we could talk about Royals all night, but you more than most would realise
we do have commitments here at the Channel 9 show.
Channel 9 is, can you please thank Malcolm Campbell.
This year is gonna be a winner again.
But I want you to know, after all these years,
we're still having fun.
You're still the one.
The only one.
We're still having fun.
And you're still the one.
Still the one.
Sassle Gunnel, stop the kiddies thinking.
Really?
Tomorrow on 60 Minutes, Bricks for Too Long Considered Harmless.
Now, science has a different story.
And it's this brick.
This one's the killer.
I'm Liz Hayes.
I'm Charles Woolley.
I'm Jeff McMullen.
I'm Roy Slyther.
And I am HG Nelson, all these stories and more, tomorrow night on 60 Minutes.
Yes, well, the AFL football season's been underway for a few weeks,
and as usual, producing a crop, an absolute crop of issues.
The issue that seems to be capturing a lot of attention at the moment
is the size of the players' shorts.
There seems to be, in the AFL, amongst some of the bigger players,
a reverting to a larger pant to play the game in.
But I've always said to you, and Roy, I want to establish this thesis tonight,
tight shorts, packed stands.
I believe that men and women of all ages love to see big footballers
crammed into rather small shorts on a, you know, Sunday afternoon,
Sunday afternoon or a night match when they come along to the football.
Roy, where do you stand on the shorts issue?
Look, I always preferred a tighter short.
I know we, the tighter the short, as you say, the more people came along.
And I think football, especially these days, are entertainers.
Footballers are entertainers.
First and foremost.
I remember we experimented with very, very tight shorts.
And then when I was working at Finley's Furniture Arcade in Lithgow,
the ridge, the carpet layer, had some latex blue,
which we simply painted on ourselves in colours.
And it looked terrific.
And you got the best of both worlds.
You got, from a distance, a uniform.
And up close, you got all sorts of movement.
Beautiful detail.
And I've spent a lot of time with doctors over the years, HG,
who do prosecute the case of the looser gusset.
You get testicular cancer from having things too tight, as you well know.
And I think it's up to CSIRO to come up with a short,
a regulation football short, that is bloody tight as buggery from behind
and looser as a goose at the front.
You know what I mean?
So you get that sort of wobble and there's nothing more attractive.
I mean, you can argue until you're blue in the face,
but you won't get any disagreement from me that the most attractive thing
about a footballer coming towards you is the movement.
It's that rhythmic sway with the foot, with the leg.
You know what I mean?
That's what gets people in.
Gets kids in and gets adults in, gets women in, gets everybody in.
Because that's what they want to see.
I never watched me wore lap laps, just as a way of experimentation.
Bloody hell, if you were caught by the lamp,
tackled by the lamp underneath, you were absolutely...
It was far too dangerous.
Roy, look, I mean, absolute agreement with you.
I am worried about two aspects of the bigger pant, though.
The free-baggers, and there are a lot of IFL players
who are free-baggers these days.
That is not wearing an underpants.
They come out and the only thing between them and the crowd
is the thin veneer...
The cotton.
Yeah, the cotton fabric in the short.
Cotton polymer, probably. 70-30.
Indeed.
Some of these players with big noses are obviously
very well endowed downstairs as well.
Now, I have seen and you have seen things escape from shorts.
I've done it.
And it's not an attractive sight.
Oh, I don't mind it.
I know you and me don't mind it.
I'm thinking of kiddies.
It depends where you are.
I'm thinking of kiddies.
If you're in the short and you've got a fair bit of free-bag space,
there's nothing like it if you see someone in the stands who you like.
Yeah.
Can I just deliver?
You know, they get to their feet on them.
That's right.
There's a bit of a call with a lot of things.
On your own.
That's right.
So I think it can add, especially if you put a little message on it.
I'm thinking of you, babe.
Yeah, look.
It takes control.
And that was my next point is that a lot of players these days
can get excited while playing.
And I know from my playing days with the New York Tigers,
I often played with half a husky in the short.
Now, I don't think that if I was free-bagging with a half husky,
I'd feel embarrassed.
I thought, hell, I hate this.
There's a good golf club down here.
Well, I found if you were half husky like that,
if you had the control, you could use it as a ball wedge.
Yes.
That's true.
Wanked your mates.
And you ran down the sideline.
That's right.
So I think there's something for the free-bagging looser short.
Yes.
I think I'll bring people in.
I had my doubts to begin with.
But I think it could work.
The looser the better.
Yes, can I say?
Loose and really short like cat-a-thigh.
Oh, yes, that's right.
You know, with just a sort of thin bit in the middle.
Look, what I don't want to say
and what I don't want to give the AFL ideas about
is the sort of shorts that are worn by English football players.
Oh, no.
You know, you can move the family in
and there's room to have a couple of extensions.
Yeah.
The bathroom in the left leg,
bedroom in the right leg
and someone in this room for a kitchen out the back.
Oh, no, they look stupid.
I mean, they are.
They are stupid.
They look stupid.
They look unnatural.
They do.
Now, Roy, the other issue I think which caused some comment
in last week's round of matches was Melbourne made the trip
from the southern cool up-to-play Brisbane
in the stifling heat of the Gabba.
Now, this was a match that Melbourne came away with the points of
the first half of the season.
But I was sick with worry that, you know,
when I took my eyes off the shorts, the problem of the shorts,
I became sick with worry that somebody would actually die
from heatstroke.
And I said to myself, the AFL won't be happy
until they've killed a player in this manner.
But, Roy, what is the way to cope with heat?
What was your worst experience playing in heat?
And how does heatstroke happen?
I know it's a triple-barrel question.
Oh, no, no, no.
Look, I remember we did go on a tour to Bangkok
and Calcutta.
This was the Shamrocks.
The Shamrocks, too.
It was a sort of holiday affair where we had to play football.
Bloody hell, it was hot.
But we found a fit.
If you put yourself in a rubber suit and play squash,
terrific training, terrific training.
You get a lot of people coming on to watch, too,
because bloke's in rubber.
Well, he's almost as good as a bloke in a loose shirt.
Free-bagging.
Free-bagging, yeah.
No, I didn't think heat was a problem.
If you're fit enough, heat's not going to worry you.
Hot as a butter, I say, because you get your heat specialist.
Roy, that tour, I mean, what sort of temperatures did you get up to?
Did you get over the 100, you know...
Old speed.
Yeah, old speed.
140, I want to go.
140.
And the humidity, of course, would have been...
110%.
Well, the humidity.
And how did the bigger players, I mean, I know you were always very...
Well, they were big bludgers.
Were they?
Yeah.
What, just collapsing the heat?
Just collapsing the heat with heat exhaustion
because their muscles would turn to liquid.
It was a very attractive look in a short.
And the muscles just all go down.
You just get these sort of elephant-tying bloody blobs.
Hair shots.
Yeah.
And there's nothing left in the pant.
You know, even the tightest short looks like a bloody...
You know?
Flag, yeah.
Yeah, lip flag.
And would you recommend heat as a...
I mean, could the AFL become a summer sport?
Oh, bloody hell, no.
No, no, no, stupid.
Yeah, pretty stupid.
Why did you go to Bangkok and Calcutta, incidentally,
to play the rugby league?
Did you get invitations from the...
We didn't question it, HG.
We didn't question it.
Yeah, the tickets just arrived.
The coach just said,
boys, we're off to Bangkok and Calcutta.
You didn't think about it.
It's half a year.
Yeah, it's half a year.
You didn't know where they were.
You didn't know.
I just got off the lift car.
Yeah.
And now, as you know, my very good friends,
the Channel 9 show is a showcase of world-fresh practice
when it comes to the entertainment caper.
On this Logie special,
can you hurl an ear in the direction of Kate Sobrano
and her new outing,
Love is Alive?
I know it's fake by definition
But whether it's real or just a fiction
Honey, right now, I don't care
So if I change, I'll give you a warning
Until the time they just see the door
Love is alive
I'll dress all right
I'll wear your heart tonight
Sleep all day
And all you need
Will make your heart
Just move it straight
So pick up the stuff
And leave them by the door
You won't be needing them anymore
I know you'll feel like I feel
Cause I can't fake it
I lose it completely
Whenever you're lying beside me
The world outside can't go to hell
So if I change, I'll give you a warning
Until the time they just see the door
Love is alive
I'll dress all right
I'll wear your heart tonight
Sleep all day
And all you need
Will make your heart
Just move it straight
Powerpump
And it gets so creepy
Trying to justify
One of the stairs is just too freaky
To the side
Scattered clothes and a telephone
Number, tattoo, to your pump
And in the morning you wake up to it all
Feeling guilty
Love is alive
I'll dress all right
I'll wear your heart tonight
Sleep all day
And all you need
Will make your heart
Just move it straight
Love is alive
I'll dress all right
I'll wear your heart tonight
Sleep all day
And all you need
Will make your heart
Just move it straight
Love is alive
I'll dress all right
I'll wear your heart tonight
Sleep all day
And all you need
Will make your heart
Just move it straight
Ah!
Blooming!
The ins and outs of Who's Up and What's On!
Innovations
Hi and welcome to Innovations.
Our guest in the studio today is Ross Deeth
from Miami, Florida.
Welcome to Innovations, Ross.
Thank you, Ian.
Ross, your revolutionary healing technique,
how did it come about?
Well, Ian, I never went to school,
so I was never brainwashed into thinking
that I had nothing to offer medicine.
But I do.
I sit on people and I make them better.
Just by sitting on them.
Ian, I have complex anal powers
that science cannot explain.
I heal people with these powers.
It's absolutely fantastic.
How can sick people get in touch with you?
Well, I'll be in each of the capital cities
and I can sit on up to 40 people per hour
for a very reasonable service charge.
And Ross's dates are on screen right now.
And Ross, who have you sat on lately?
Well, Ian, thousands of sick Indians
benefited from my performances in Delhi.
Wonderful news, it really is.
And can anyone learn this technique?
I've never been asked that before.
I don't know.
Well, there you have it.
Anyone out there interested in being healed by Ross
should phone the number on the screen right now.
And I'll be back next week with more innovations.
On the Channel 9 show, please welcome Richard Wilkins.
Wow, Richard, this is a surprise.
Should we open it?
I think you should.
A little something from your colleagues at the Today Show, boys.
Isn't that wonderful?
Well, it's all one big happy family.
It is here at the 9.
I want to see who's going to go with which one.
Oh, wow.
I wonder if we can get these on screen.
I don't know quite whether that's the right camera.
Yes, those cameras are working.
We've got Tracy here.
And Steve.
Look at that.
I love seeing Steve on the tooth.
Yeah.
You don't often get a chance to see Steve on the tooth.
What are these, sort of waffles or something?
Or some sort of pancakes.
Pancakes or big truffles, though.
And did you take the big pieclips?
No, it's not actually my work, no.
No.
And the dog?
That wouldn't have been used in the Today Show, would it?
Well, no, Tracy's very fond of animals.
Right.
Is this her dog?
A friend, I believe.
Or was the dog just brought in for the shoot?
I think the dog's probably a prop, yeah.
Right.
Is it a live dog?
I think it was actually alive at the time.
It looks like a stuffed animal to me.
Are these live pancakes?
What would you have passion for with a bloody pancake?
Wow, that's the way they serve them in certain places around Sydney.
Is that right?
Yeah, it's a past Sydney food spot.
Why did it go somewhere like that?
I'm going to ask you what's that.
But I think I'll stick with Steve.
Whoa, I'm sorry.
Tracy and the dog.
Does the dog have a name?
Everyone's a winner.
Rex.
Yeah.
Look, just before we go on, we've got some wonderful footage of you performing on a show.
As some people know, we used to work on Channel 2, and they had a show called Countdown many
years ago, and here you are performing a marvellous hit song on Countdown.
And...
What I like about this clip is you don't have a microphone, and you're recording a song.
What I like about this clip is you don't have a microphone, and yet we can hear you so completely.
And it does have, for what I'd call, for those who are familiar with New Zealand rock, the
New Zealand sound.
If you squint hearing, you can hear my sex.
Or you can hear Dragon, early Dragon.
Get out of here.
Yes, okay, that's enough.
We won't punish you.
Who wants to be young?
There you go.
People remember it.
Circa...
Circa 1981, I believe.
Have you ever thought of re-releasing and re-releasing the song?
Or maybe doing a reunion tour?
Not until now.
No.
Who wants to be young?
What was the story with it?
What was it about?
Who wants to be young here?
Actually, I never thought of that when we were singing the song.
It was a kind of a...
It was a pop song.
It was designed to kind of be a radio play.
Who wants to be young here?
See, I assume everyone wants to be young.
I don't get it.
It seems to me the question is who wants to be young like you wouldn't want to be?
Would you believe I can't remember the damn thing?
No.
Did anyone?
No.
Did the others in the band go on to bigger success once they'd escaped the...?
I think we brought about four or five of the lads over from New Zealand and about three
or four of them escaped pretty quickly and they left me all on my own over here.
Right.
It was a sad indictment on the Kiwi rock industry at the time.
Right.
Because you were Richard Wilde then, weren't you?
Well, yeah.
W-I-L-D-E.
Yes.
W-I...
Yeah, well...
Wasn't there a Sharon Wilde or...?
It was a Kim Wilde.
Kim Wilde.
And she was a New Zealander as well.
She was a...
She's a poman still is.
Now, isn't there a dad?
A what?
A dad in the Wilde family?
Daddy Wilde.
There was a Marty Wilde.
Marty Wilde.
A different clan of the family.
My manager in New Zealand at the time thought that Richard Wilkins was a pretty daggy name
and he was probably right.
And the Chief Justice of New Zealand at the time was Sir Richard Wilde.
Yes.
Actually, it's a true story, but I was off to a gig one time and he changed my name and
there was a poster up there saying Richard Wilde and I asked the driver who was on and
down and he looked at me like I was an idiot, which I was, but I didn't know my own name.
So...
There you go.
Now, the transition obviously from then to the Logies tomorrow night.
Wow.
Look, obviously it's a very big night.
I think it's the 40th night of the Logies tomorrow night.
Night of Nights.
Night of Nights, is it?
And I think they've got a tremendous line-up.
They've obviously got Kenny and Reba.
They've got Matt LeBlanc.
Matt LeBlanc's in town?
Yes.
And wait, though...
Who is Matt LeBlanc?
I mean, I'm not going to miss the hour or something here.
I mean...
Well, no, you are.
A lot of people are saying he's a bloody big star.
Well, now be easy.
Well, as you would know, being on Channel 9, you know, the number one show around the
country is, of course, Friends, and Matt plays Joey, who is one sixth of the cast of
Friends.
Right.
He's in the Lost in Space movie, which I'm being moved.
Hmm?
But, Dave, you being disappointed with the cut, the quality, the size of the stars the
Logies have been able to pull over the last 40 years, I put it to you that there's been
very few nights when the Logies have pulled your really big names.
Top show.
Your really big names.
You know, like, say, the cast of Birds of a Feather.
I mean, I'd love to see them out here.
Reunited.
Reunited for the first time.
But why do you need these overseas stars?
Yes.
Don't you think...
Oh, you're absolutely right.
Don't you think...
I put it to you.
Don't you think that the Logies are too damn short anyway.
Well, last year there was that bloody goose from Star Trek or something.
What's his name?
James.
Jean-Luc Picard.
Yeah, the dog.
What was he out here for?
What was he doing?
What's the matter with this?
Just pluttering up the words.
Oh, no, we're right on your side here.
I think you need to get rid of the overseas stars and everything.
What about the award for best weather guy?
Wouldn't you like to see Brian, Bury and Monty and everything?
Well, they would win.
The boys slugging it out.
Mike would win that.
Mike would win that, hands down.
And I know you're a big rap for the best game show category.
Well, Virgil, there are 40 of them.
Yes, that's right.
Or Rob, what's his name?
Well, Rob Elliott.
I put it to you...
Yeah, Rob Elliott.
Yeah, from the other thing.
Now, look, I put it to you that the reason why we can't get big stars out here is all
of them...
But we do, don't we?
You're saying bigger.
You want bigger.
I want the best.
I want world's best here.
What, Prince Philip?
World's best practice.
Prince Philip.
The Queen.
The Queen Mother.
Muhammad Ali.
Oh, yeah, Muhammad Ali came.
I grant you that.
But I think he spread the message, don't go to Australia because they've got bloody big
stars of their own and we can't compete.
Isn't that right, Richard?
Well, I agree with you longer, more local talent.
And then we've got a show.
It should be a showcase for local talent.
What's Kenny going to sing?
If he sings The Gambler, I'm walking out.
I think there'll be a few.
What are we doing?
Something with Reaver, of course.
Well, is it going to be The Gambler?
You've got to know how to bloody hold them, fold them, win the walk, win the raps.
Win all!
I just think it's a good idea.
I think it's a good idea.
Win the raps, win all!
I just think it's a great celebration of Australian talent.
I think it's going to be a big night.
You want my tip?
A big night for Kerry-Ann.
I think Kerry-Ann's got...
Kerry-Ann who?
Kerry-Ann Goose.
Now look, we've got the...
The battle gets back.
We've got the Robert Fitchin guy from The Herald Sun in Melbourne and let's have a look at
the gold.
He reckons Lisa McEwen's two to one.
That's Melbourne talk, isn't it?
That's just Melbourne money saying that.
Well, because she's a Melbourne person, isn't it?
Kerry-Ann Kennelly, five to two, Ray!
I'm going for Ray.
I've sunk a couple of hundred thousand on the Ray.
He's eight to one.
Darren Summers, 10 to one and Johnny Wood, 20 to one.
20 to one for Woody.
21.
Yeah, you've got to feel a bit separate.
I think this is the year of the Wood.
The year of the Wood?
Well, he did Rafferty's Rules.
Rafferty's Rules!
He's got a whole lot of silver stuff.
He's got a CV as long as...
Ray and Darryl have got golds coming out the area.
I'm going to go with Kerry-Ann.
You reckon Kerry-Ann?
Absolutely.
Would that be a sympathy vote?
I mean, she's...
Be the man.
Absolutely.
She'd go very silly if she won the gold.
She'd go out there with a can of petrol and say,
Oh, this is going to be a standing ovation.
The nation would stand as one.
Kenny had come out.
You've got to know when to hold it.
Michael Flatley might have been the wrong person.
Well, big stars!
Why don't Michael Flatley?
Look, my tip, my smokey is Ray.
You're going for Ray.
I'm going for Ray.
I reckon Ray can do it.
Then when we come to the series, we've got Blue Heelers.
Bob reckons that's two to one on.
He reckons that's obviously, you know, obviously dumb.
Very, very popular show.
Hey Hey at Saturday five to one, Home and Away at five to one, Midday four to one, and
Water Rats at three to one.
Yeah, Water Rats great show.
It's a fierce competition this year.
It's a tough one.
With these peer voting ones, these peer voting awards, where do you get the forms?
Where do you get the forms?
We've never voted for you.
Do you vote on them?
I didn't vote this year.
I got to vote one year with your tick and what you think.
Who votes?
I don't know.
Who the hell votes?
You didn't vote?
No, no.
I voted in the popular categories because I put a tick for Ray.
Oh, we bought it.
We bought TV.
Maybe 30.
You didn't vote for yourselves though.
No, of course not.
We voted for Ray.
Ray.
I noticed you've got a column in TV Week now called the Wilkins Reporter, the Wilkins column
or something.
What's that about?
Is it hard to write?
Do you really write it yourself?
Yeah, I do.
I start at the beginning and finish at the end and they give me something to write about
it.
When do you get your ideas?
Do they tell you what they want you to do, something about the book?
Well, I'll each week as you would know, be a TV Week reader.
The magazine sort of has a bit of a theme that evolves, I guess, as they're putting it
together every week and they say, well listen, this week write about subject X.
When's the theme going to be nobody reads this mag anymore?
Well, of course the theme this week will be loggies.
Yes.
Loggy, logy, logy.
It'll be all the scuttleback and all the gossip from behind.
Now, speaking of that, you've been to a lot of loggies.
You must have heard a lot of gossip.
You must have seen a lot of incidents that would be described as gossip on Monday morning.
Can you divide this into two categories?
What's the best gossip you've heard?
What's the best gossip you've seen?
Well, my particular favourite was the year that Ernie and Don took a swing at each other.
Oh, that's nice.
What was that about?
Well, I think they just hate each other.
You remember I was in the party after, because the great thing about the loggies now, they
tried with this presentation format where you sit down in a theatre or something.
That was boring.
That was probably better for the viewers, but it's nice sitting there and watching everyone
get absolutely sozzled and then punching the hell out of each other at the party.
I think that's what the industry is doing.
I hope there are some fights tomorrow night.
Yeah, so I think that was a high point for the loggies.
Two quick questions.
You, as a kid, you were quite a talented violinist.
Do you ever feel the urge these days to fiddle?
Do you still pick up the violin?
Very late at night.
A couple of little...
Yeah, shurbs.
A little fiddle along with the old John Mellencamp CD, up too loud out of tune.
I assumed it was a classical violin.
Yeah, I did.
I played classical and I have so much respect for people who make music professionally that
I figure I'm going to do it right up to the sand or not at all, so I'm a little bit of a lefty.
The other question, speaking of gossip, you in the past have been linked with Brooke Shields.
Question.
Is she the full Queen?
A very talented lady and a colleague of ours...
I'm not asking you that.
I know she's talented.
Take that as read.
Is she...
She's done wonders for Andre's career, let's be honest.
That's true.
But is she?
Full-body.
She's a very, very, very talented lady.
America's sweetheart.
Thank you, you've answered it.
Now, Richard, you've finally...
You've interviewed a lot of big names in show business.
Who was the weirdest?
You hear a lot of stories.
On our show, we don't...
We see people as they are.
We don't obviously make it too hard for them to come out here and answer questions about Brooke Shields or whatever it is.
But in the music caper, in the film industry, in the television industry, there's a lot of weird people out there.
Yeah, there's a lot of drop kicks.
Yes, and what would be the weirdest and how difficult was it?
I remember most of the big names aren't just there because they're talented.
They're there because they're good people and as you would know, pretty good interview.
I remember interviewing the Pogues, you know the Pogues? Shane McGowan with the rotten teeth and all that sort of thing.
Yeah, Shane McGowan.
He and another fellow of the band, Spider, asked them some question, can't remember what it was,
but they violently disagreed with the answer each other gave and that actually started swinging at each other.
We were in some coffee shop in London and the table sort of fell over and they strolled off into the night
and we were left there scratching our heads.
There wasn't particularly...
How much of that interview got to air?
None of that one.
None of that one?
Well, we should have put it to air, shouldn't we?
Well, yes, and what pressures would have been on you not to put it on the air apart from taste?
I mean, I've seen the outtakes and the fact that Shane wasn't wearing any trousers at the time
and was laying in the carpet as he walked off.
I mean, that isn't very nice in terms of family doing, but I thought the rest of it was very edifying.
I think that was during the MTV era and it was deemed not suitable for the broad audience that of course tuned in at that time.
What time are you heading off to get there tomorrow?
I'm going to a wedding tomorrow afternoon actually, so I'm going to be a little late and low in Television City tomorrow
and I bet it should be a good night.
Well, on that cheerful note, you would realise more than most we do have commitments here at the Channel 9 show
and at 9 as across Australia, can you thank Richard Wilkins?
An outrageous showcase of never before seen video mishaps.
Australia's funniest home video show, 7.30 Tuesday.
Take a look at the night Channel 9.
Hello, it's City Olympics here back with more gold medal discount deals on cars.
Look at these beauties, Houlton, Subarus, Lazers, Toyotas, as my mate Phil Carl says,
the Olympics is the biggest game in town and it's all mine.
So come and twist my arm all weekend at the City Olympic Marathon run out sale.
I'll be awake 24 hours a day and if you can catch me asleep, the deals will be even better.
Wake up, Sidney.
My friend, have you got a good deal?
Cross live goats, juiced, begging and squealing, uncensored live all goat action.
Feast on our smorgasbord of gorgeous goats.
Call me now, 111-64009.
Monday on the camera to fair, exposed, the man who says he's saving Australia from Satan.
I rebuke you in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ.
Now former followers lift the lid on his colt.
He was yelling and screaming.
I had to abide.
Exorcisms and mind control tearing families apart.
Driving young people to suicide.
It's a really destructive man.
I want them stopped.
Plus at home with Australia's reluctant hero.
We think the world of him.
Danger and daring rescues just come with the job.
Anyway, thank you very much.
To camera to fair Monday.
On the Channel 9 show, it's time for Come On In Rage.
There's only one game to play at the business end of the day.
It's time for Come On In Rage.
It's Come On In Rage.
Yes, once again it's time to play Come On In Rage.
Yes, tonight presented by City Olympic Motors with his run out sale, his marathon run out sale all weekend.
And Roy, who's the lucky contestant?
We've got Jim. Where are you, Jim?
Jim, Jim, come on, mate.
Come on, I'll ask you to hold the microphone this time.
Yeah, how are you going?
Face the camera this way, Jim.
Here you go. Have a look down there.
Number two is your camera.
Now, where are you from, Jim? Where are you from?
Um, Mudgee.
Mudgee!
Oh, when did you get down?
Uh, Friday.
Yeah. What's the footy team there now?
Dragons.
The Dragons. How are the Dragons travelling?
Uh, they're going downhill, I think.
Oh, what? Just not enough players or a dud coach or no incentive or are the shorts too tight?
But Mudgee is a terrific... I assume there wasn't going to be an answer then.
I've got to go back home.
Yes. Mudgee is a terrific go-ahead town, isn't it?
It's a great town.
They say it's one of the great towns in the world. Would you endorse that?
Yes.
Is Mudgee twinned with any other town in the world?
Sister City.
Like Banff in Canada or say, I don't know, Leicester in England, is it twinned with any town?
When you drive into Mudgee, is there a sign up saying, welcome to Mudgee, twin towns with Banff, Canada?
Galgon.
Galgon! Twin towns with Galgon!
Oh, yes.
Bloody hell, that's a brilliant idea, isn't it?
Well, they got in common. Did Henry Lawson ever go to Mudgee?
Yes.
Oh, that's the connection! Henry Lawson connection.
Have you thought of twinning with, say, Nowra on the South Coast? That's a very go-ahead place.
They've got an Air Force base down there. I don't know how much longer, but, uh, no, they're not thought about Nowra.
Possibly. Possibly, yeah.
Now, Jim, just before we play the game, is there anyone you want to send a quick cheerio to?
Um, all my workmates at Yule and Cole.
Which, which where? Where at?
Yule and Cole.
Yule and Cole?
Yeah.
Yule and Cole.
OK, terrific.
Ah, now, Jim, simple game.
When you hear the knock, you've just got to see which, uh, or guess which door Ray is behind.
And then you'll have fabulous prizes. I'll relieve you of that. Are you ready for the knock, please?
Open!
That'll be Ray knocking!
Help him, audiences, the door is open!
Ah, ah, ah, why?
Open it up, Jim!
Have a look! Is he in there?
Ah!
I think, uh, we've got Darryl here, Mr. Lovies, and here we've got Ray.
Ray must be down there.
Bad luck, Jim.
But you're not going to leave empty-handed. We're still at the Munro of meat!
Now, we've got, uh...
First up, the apron.
Apron.
Which you get to take home.
And we're proudly into work. Next time you go into work, let me just do it up around the back here.
Now, there's all sorts of stuff here, Jim. We've got rabbits. Look at that beautiful bunnies that you can play with.
There's brains there as well.
Uh, now you're going to get this to use, Jim, to shovel in as much as you can.
Because you didn't get Ray, you don't get nine seconds, you get four seconds to halibash at whatever you can take home back to Mudgee.
Are you ready?
I'm ready.
Oh, put this in your hand first, or you're going to go ahead.
One, two, three!
Time's up!
Time's up. You were obviously watching the show last week.
Yes, you got the technique down.
We're going to have to whirl these down.
Well, listen, I'll throw a bunny in as well.
Take that along with you.
And look, obviously you've had so much fun and play. Come on in, Ray, here.
Here's a game so you can play. Come on in, Ray.
And you get the photograph to take home as well, Jim.
There we are. There you go, matey.
We can't do better than that, and thank you very much for playing. Come on in, Ray!
Just dance on. Come on in, Ray. Come on in, Ray.
Yes, that brings us to the end of the Channel 9 show for another week.
Roy, we do have something for the viewers at home, though.
In fact, we've got a double whammy tonight to take us through the first league.
Actually, we've got this terrific shot of Mike Bailey called High Pressure.
Here's Mike getting made up, and you can see the pressure he's under there.
It's the beautiful detail of that.
When it's framed, it just does look magnificent on your wall.
$49.99 to frame, $499 unframed, and we have some leftover George Neguses from last week.
There was a printer's error. Unfortunately, instead of printing $75,000, we printed $175,000.
That's the one we're straight to make, and we have got $55,000 of these left.
So don't feel as though you're left out there at home.
Now, Switchboard is ready now to phone up and make an order.
Get involved, because they do look terrific, and they're going like hotcakes.
What are you up to? What are we going to be watching in the coming week?
Actually, I'm driving to Melbourne, obviously, for the Logies.
I'm going to go buy a Mudgey, drop in on Jim, see how he's getting on.
And then I might go up to the Hunter Valley next week.
I think there's some terrific action happening in the vineyards up there.
I'm going to have a bit of a look.
Well, some of the action gets underway tomorrow at the Pepper Tree Wines.
Look, it's a very big night. It's a pre-Logies bash.
It goes from about 12 till sunset, featuring the Dick Carlton experience,
the Currant Affairs and Donna Campbell.
And they'll be opening the Logies songbook
and playing a lot of highlights from television shows and the Van Halen songbook.
So it's an odd combination of things, but I think it can work.
Can anyone go? Everyone's welcome?
Anyone can go. That's the Pepper Tree Winery from 12.
I think lunch will be right on.
That sounds too familiar with air.
It's good gear.
Is it?
Yes.
Can you buy it by the hog's head?
You can.
Or just the ute load. If you have a ute or a boot, just open it up and they fill it up.
Now, the Channel 9 show Switchboard has been inundated tonight with calls asking for more Sobrano-style magic.
Well, if you want it out there, we've got it.
Kate has selected this old divinal's chestnut science fiction.
Let her rip, Kate. See you next week, 9-0.
I saw you today.
Now that love is my addiction.
I don't have my books, don't I?
When I was young, I was so naive.
I was so naive.
Never thought that that last new song.
Oh, I thought that they'd drop the ball.
They'd drop the ball.
I thought that love is so insatiable. Until I saw you today.
Now that love is my addiction.
I don't have my books, don't I?
Oh, oh, oh.
When I was young, I was so naive.
I didn't believe. No, I didn't believe.
I didn't believe.
I've been waiting for a man from space.
Coming to Earth into the human race.
The human race.
I thought that love was science fiction.
Until I saw you today.
Now that love is my addiction.
I don't have my books, don't I?
I thought that was science fiction.
Until I saw you today.
Now that love is my addiction.
I don't have my books, don't I?
I've done all my books, so why?