occurred in
I went to bed when I got bored. It's a nine o'clock. I've got to get up again.
Will I get a patient? No, I think I'm in a worse condition than they are.
Morning, Eric. Morning. Patrick's mother again.
Yes, yes. Every time they fight, he comes round to my place and I get drunk.
Christmas is worse. Coffee?
I think I'm past that. It's now a battle between her heart and my liver.
I'll have to take a lecture then. You're too busy.
Who is it for? A whole year of embarrassed nurses.
I wonder if I'll make them more or less embarrassed.
Hello, Sharon. Morning.
Guess who came in yesterday. Oh, darling, not again.
No. I've never been here before.
We'll step through the blue door and I'll make out a cab.
I'll have to wait very long. I shouldn't think so.
Don't believe a word he says, darling.
I see.
And can I get the pill from you?
Of course. Sit here and we'll take your blood pressure.
Now, which ones are you on?
I don't want the same one. It makes me depressed and stops me feeling randy.
So it makes my boyfriend depressed as well.
Oh, that's the one. And that one, I got pregnant on that.
And what's the point? All that remembering for nothing.
This one gives me acne.
And this one? I didn't get my periods.
Well, there are other forms of contraception.
I'm not having one of those squiggly bits of plastic inside me.
A diaphragm?
Let's just look at the book.
Good morning. I'm Dr. Young.
Women curing it as well as giving it these days.
Haven't we come a long way?
I've just been on a business trip to Southeast Asia.
Well, there's four of us. We came here straight from the airport.
We were very impressed with the hospitality of the East, if you get the drift.
We have to go back to our wives tonight.
And when did you last have sex?
Ah, just before the plane left.
Oriental women. So I want some treatment.
For what?
Everything.
I can do some tests, but I'm afraid I can't give you clearance for a few days.
I don't want tests. I want penicillin.
Sorry, penicillin might not be the answer. Some Asian strains are resistant to it.
I have to have sex with my wife tonight, or she is going to suspect something.
Perhaps. You should have thought of that before.
You're refusing to help me.
I can do the tests, but I can't give you clearance today.
Look, I'm a busy man. Thanks for your help.
I won't waste any more time. I'll be good friends to a male doctor.
You might infect your wives, you realize. How would you explain that?
For Dr. Young.
Bloody women.
And boring men.
Darling, how beautiful.
Put it in the bin.
You don't seem to understand. It's an infection. It doesn't matter how many showers you take a day.
The stuff was coming out pretty heavy.
Well, I wouldn't worry about that. Some people put tissue down their jocks, you know.
Jesus.
Put it in the damn bin.
Not until you tell me.
I'm pregnant.
Darling, that's wonderful.
I thought so. But Peter doesn't. He doesn't want to start a family yet.
So, I left him last weekend.
Well, it looks like he wants peace.
But it takes more than bloody roses.
I'll get another patient.
Sharon, don't tell anyone.
Darling, you know me.
Must have been destroyed. When did you last come?
Just today.
Have you got syphilis?
No.
It makes a difference.
Sure it does.
Would you excuse me for a minute?
Just wait.
I'm here to see Dr. Carmichael.
Oh, what's your number?
I'm a med student.
Oh, yeah? I'll tell her.
He's the medical student.
All I know is a medical certificate.
It wasn't my idea.
My dad made me come in because I've just got engaged.
He said it was my duty.
I told him I'd never done anything.
But he didn't believe me.
Are you the student?
Yes, Paul Armstrong.
I'm Linda Carmichael.
I'm in a little rush, but I'll put you in with Dr. Linden.
He'll tell you what's what.
I'm also in a little rush, Fred.
I'm not sure what I'm letting myself be for.
It's you.
Get me a homosexuals in here.
Fair share.
It's one of the wedding wear now, you know.
Anyone?
Yes, he passed at me.
Oh?
Yes, he whipped at me.
Close.
On separate occasions or in one passionate overwhelming goodness.
Look, hold still or take the consequences.
Come in.
I was trying to get something out of his eye.
This is Paul Armstrong.
The student has been rusted to us today.
I hope this one hasn't got any hot racing tips.
Look after him.
I'm in a rush.
Jim's sick, so I've got to do his lecture.
I've got to battle with the board for a new doctor.
Do we need one to rush?
He'd expect to be paid.
I'll be late.
Enjoy your morning.
I'll see you after lunch.
I'll be off.
Good night.
Do you have any of Paul... Paul Armstrong?
Oh, he's found his number.
Yes?
Oh, was it?
Well, I'd never have thought of him looking there.
B4064.
Just hang on a second.
You can do a few rows if you like.
I'll do it until I know what his tension's like.
How are the eyes?
Fine, thanks.
I drink beer.
Come here often?
What do I look like?
Fun.
Oh, thanks.
Do you?
I'm not a man.
I'm a woman.
Come here often?
Yeah, I have this terrible problem with my lover.
I haven't got one.
My problem is that I have.
Or rather, one third of one.
I hope you get the good bit.
Do you take turns?
Yeah, so do I.
See you.
Oh, fuck.
It's here, eh?
Enjoying it?
Of course.
You don't have to say that. I'm not your grandmother.
Well, I wouldn't do it if I didn't enjoy it.
You enjoy wiping your bum.
Look, can I ask you a medical question?
Sure.
I'll put a stop work soon, all right?
Do you, in here, do many prostitutes come in here?
There's patients, yes, quite a few.
What are they like, prostitutes?
Well, they've got two arms, two legs, heads, hearts of gold.
How many men would make love to them in one night?
But I've never asked.
Oh, but I'll tell you what, some of them are pretty full when they come in here.
How about the next one that comes in, you ask her?
Why don't you?
Well, it's your question.
Have you been here before?
Good morning.
Yes, but have you been here before?
Doctor, go see me.
Yes, but you, you, you.
No, no, he, he, he.
Ah, si, si, si.
I suppose I shouldn't have told her.
But I thought it'd be all right.
I mean, she's a sister.
She should have understood, shouldn't she?
Told your sister you had syphilis?
No, she's a Mormon.
She lives in Utah.
I, I understand.
I told the nursing sister at work, and I'm sure she told my boss.
Because when I came into work this morning, he was waiting for me.
And he called me into his office, and he gave me the sack.
But why?
I don't know.
He just sacked me.
And he told everyone.
But he had no reason to.
You're not a danger to anyone.
It took me months to find that job.
I've been out of work for nearly a year, and he sacked me just like that.
I can't go home because Mum would know something's wrong.
I can't tell her.
What can I tell her?
I was doing the right thing.
I was getting it treated.
She had no right to tell him.
None whatsoever.
And he shouldn't have sacked me.
People are often afraid of things they don't understand.
And syphilis hasn't the best reputation in the world.
What about me?
What do I tell Mum?
Look.
It may not help, but I could ring him, your boss, and talk to him.
Oh, would you please?
It may not do any good.
Please?
I've got Bill's results. You want him in?
Of course.
Bill?
Bill, B60935.
I'll have to go and get him.
Yes.
Crazy.
Wait.
Just wait.
Bill, B60935.
Bill, get his B60935 into gear.
It didn't take this long to get my tubes tied.
Mine neither, tubes.
Bill, B60935.
Sorry. I had to put some money in the meter and I didn't have any change.
It's all right. Come along. I'll get you to do it from now on.
What do you think you've got?
I know what I've got.
Oh, an expert.
What is it?
Gronuria.
Oh, good.
You can tell me what it's like for a man.
Does he suffer?
Does it really like him?
Do you think there's a blood?
That's not where I've got it.
But I have had it in front.
We've got your results and you're discharged due to an infection called NSU,
non-specific urethritis.
You heard of that?
No.
Is that bad?
It's not serious or dangerous. It's a mild infection in the lining of the penis.
It's not gonorrhea.
Oh, thanks. Thank you.
It's nothing to do with us.
Oh, then thank her.
God.
Now, the bird are parked.
Ow!
Watch where you're going.
What do you mean? What have you got a dog in here for anyway? It's not right.
It's her dog.
Yeah.
It's not good.
Your results show that you have a condition called NSU, non-specific urethritis.
You heard of that?
No.
Well, it's not serious or dangerous. It's just a mild infection in the lining of the penis.
It's not gonorrhea.
I knew she was a Pisces.
Good day.
All right.
She's dying.
That's my nurse. And this is a student who's here for the day to observe.
Take a seat.
What can we do for you?
Fix me up.
Okay. What's wrong?
I'm a runner.
Well, give us a clue. Have you got a rash or a sore? A discharge? Wax in your ears? Sensitive gums?
Discharge.
Discharge. How many...
It hurts when I... urinate.
Piss.
How many days has that been happening?
Ten days.
Two or three, four or five. Just stop me when I get there, you know. Six.
Three.
Three. Right. Are you taking tablets for any reason?
I came in for that.
Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease before?
Of course not.
It does happen, you know. Any serious medical problems?
No.
Are you allergic to anything?
Wrong on deodorant.
Really?
Quite took months to work it out. I thought it was a heat rash.
What was happening?
Well, it was red, an inch under the arms, and kept on spreading.
And you put more deodorant on?
He sent me to a specialist.
What are you using now?
Button.
Very sensible. Any vaccinations recently?
No.
When did you last have sex?
Look, I know how I got it off. It was this little bitch up at the pub.
When?
Wednesday. Me mate did it last week and got the same thing.
What on earth did you do?
He didn't tell me right after, did he?
I'll get my hands on her and I'm going to fix her so she can't give it to anyone else.
Just hang on. She probably didn't even know that she had it.
Oh, she knew.
Look, eight percent of women with gonorrhea show no symptoms. They just don't know.
Yeah? Well, she's going to find out.
Is that what you think it is?
No, Bob, just jumping ahead. That's what we're here to find out, isn't it?
Now, if you'd just like to slip your overalls off and drop your pants down, we'll take a little sample.
Your jacket?
No, I'm not. Come on.
Jesus.
I've seen it all before.
Just pretend she's in the football team.
Jesus.
Just squeeze a little bit on the side.
Come on. Just squeeze a little bit on there.
Where?
That's it. Over there.
He's got it, hasn't he?
Okay, set your clothes on again and we'll go and have a routine blood test just in here.
That's so on you.
God, you're a tactless shit.
You like this job?
It beats dental nursing.
Jesus.
Hey, Fox, how you doing?
Watch out for the dog.
Nancy G. 3149?
Hello.
Who's looking after you, kid?
She's got a good job, hasn't she?
Nurse.
Kids live at all the blag's preaks.
Yeah, I suppose so.
I think she must tell that girl.
As long as she doesn't tell Mom.
I've caught gonorrhea from a rat.
The gonorrhea, I understand.
The rat is Walter Weybridge, affectionately known as B6671.
I'll get his card.
I haven't got any symptoms, but Charlie says that doesn't prove anything.
Who's Charlie? Another rat?
Oh, no.
He's more of a teddy bear.
For the last six months, I've been desperately in love with him.
Charlie.
Walter.
B6671.
He's got two other girlfriends and numerous casual acquaintances.
And he talks a lot about being a free spirit.
Well, anyway, on Saturday, he was due at my place.
But he picked up a hitchhiker on the way, gave her his usual sexy sideways look,
fucked a stupid on a rucksack and spent the next two nights with me.
Other time, I thought I was lucky.
Then, last night, he brought around his dripping dick for my sympathy.
You make him sound charming.
He is.
I just don't know why I put up with it.
I feel like such a fool.
The bunny.
We've all got our problems.
You have a very common condition, especially this time of the year.
It's called NSU.
Oh, no.
You've heard of it?
Well, I was hoping it would be gonorrhea.
So was I. We had a lot of NSU today.
Gonorrhea is easy to treat, isn't it?
Not always.
Well, it is for me.
Treatment for gonorrhea is a single dose of 6500-milligram oxycyllin capsules and two prevenous tablets.
Is that all?
I don't need to cause injections or anything.
Not unless you think they should suffer for this, do you?
You'll get it up your ass.
Me?
No, get ready to wint.
Hi, Doc. How are you, hon?
Fading fast. And how are you?
Just fast.
We haven't seen you in ages. What's been going right?
Oh, it hasn't been my love life. It's been one dud bash after another.
At least the last one's left me with something.
I believe you've met Paul. He's the student here.
He's here to learn, isn't he?
Yeah, I'm not here to learn, no.
Paul?
George?
Mine. The first knitted birthday present that's going to be ready on time.
I don't believe it.
Neither do I.
Well, you all know what I've got, so we can save a lot of time in cotton swabs.
Just give me the tablets and I'll piss off.
No, you know we can't do that. We can't take any chances.
Well, don't you stick that thing up my bum either.
How would you like it?
I'm never going to find out.
Well, sit in the messes, man.
We have music for that.
It's hard. It's hard to meet a woman because I do not speak English so good.
And I'm scared if I meet a nice lady and take her home.
I worry and it doesn't get hard.
Have you had this problem long?
No, no, no, no. Since I came here in Australia.
It doesn't get hard easy. And it's hard because it is not hard.
Oh, English is hard. I can't say it so good.
You're doing fine.
I worry. I worry all the time when the nice lady is with me at home.
And it doesn't get hard. She will think, oh no, it's not nice.
Does it get hard when you're alone?
Yes. When the woman is not there.
It's hard all the time.
Dean.
Come on.
Okay, Carl, what have we got some bad news for you?
You've got gonorrhea.
No.
Oh, man, Jesus. No.
Come on, it's not that bad. It's very easy to treat.
Yeah, and very catching, isn't it?
Oh, yes.
I did it with my fiance.
When? Sunday.
But you had a discharge then.
I didn't know what it was. I never had it before. It was only when my mate told me.
I'm going to kill that little bitch at the pub.
Well, there's a chance your fiance might not have it, but she'll have to come in for a check-up.
No way. No fucking way.
She what?
She'll go right off the fucking deep end, matey.
Look, I never played around, not since I met her.
I just wanted to screw someone else before I got married. I was drunk.
I don't know, 18 months, and I never touched another bird.
First time I do a wind tat.
Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles.
We'll just take these.
All of them?
Now.
They, uh, they won't make me high or anything, will they?
Unfortunately, no.
Not so bad?
Not so bad.
Did they warm the speculum?
A bit too much.
Tell you what, when we're finished here, how about we get a free drink?
They'll tell us not to, but what they don't know might hurt them.
Basil B. 58915.
Basil?
Oh, sorry.
Um.
There's a men's room down there.
What would I have to see you for?
Well, so that I can answer any questions that are bothering you.
It's not much good if we treat you and leave all your contacts running around passing it on.
Do you want a cup of coffee?
We won't be doing any running around.
Oh, you've, uh, got a regular girlfriend?
Sandy.
My fiance.
And you haven't told her?
Hell.
How can I tell her this?
It's just a quick pep, that's all.
She won't be like that.
She'd be bossing the nuts just for touching her.
Well, she sounds as if she can look after herself.
She's a little beardy.
How long have you been going together?
Three months.
We're engaged.
Her parents don't like me.
They reckon I'm not good enough for her.
She's thrown herself away and I'll only let her down.
Yeah, well, they're right, aren't they?
I'll let her down, all right, just like they say.
Well, it doesn't matter what they think.
They don't even need to know.
All that matters is how you and Sandy feel.
I feel like a shit.
Take a seat, please.
You're lucky I made it.
And you have an accident.
Oh, it's not what you think.
Tea or coffee?
Oh, a cup of tea would be nice.
Oh, coffee, coffee.
I burnt my nose lighting a cigarette
and I nearly got bitten by a dog.
I mean, I shouldn't be lying in here.
Should they have all those germs and things?
Oh, dear, it took me an hour to get up the carriage
to come in at all, walking up and down outside.
It's worse than going to the dentist.
We don't drill.
I'm so nervous.
Look, a lot of people have trouble the first time.
That pub across the road is just packed with sores
and discharges, getting up the nerve to come over here.
Well, I bet even you had trouble.
Me?
No, not at all.
Oh, yes, you did. I saw you.
You had to put his white coat over his arm.
I feel a lot better now.
I can't help but think.
What can we do for you?
Oh, I've got this list of things
so I wouldn't forget anything.
Oh, I'm tired.
Oh, it's much tighter than usual.
And I get these headaches up here.
I think it's me eyes,
because I've got to keep blinking them all the time, like that.
And do you know that I can see further than I ever saw before?
Oh, and there's this rash at my hand.
In there.
Um, it, uh, it went away.
Oh, and carrots taste funny.
I mean, they're my favorite. Fidgy, eh?
Oh, it's all there on the list, really.
Oh, I love them.
Now?
Don't they dissolve like barocca?
They got right in them.
It says get well soon.
I hate doctors.
What's all this? Is your mother coming to visit?
Do you want another one before tea?
No, I've had enough.
Let's go.
No.
No? But Skoodie's day.
I have some phone calls I want to make.
What's up with you?
I have a terrible feeling I've done something wrong.
Don't push me. Just don't push me.
Scheisse.
Let's go.
Clinic, I have just asked a woman to go out with me.
What for?
It's for you. Did she accept?
With bells on.
You like straight men treat women badly?
All I did was show her a little consideration.
This will probably break my poor mother's heart.
What does that mean, that we throw her the proctoscope?
I just can't, sir.
So far, sweetheart,
worlds may change and nations disappear,
but I'll still be taking it up the class.
For God's sake, I'm talking to my girlfriend.
Sorry.
Carry on.
I wanted to get on with the old code with the piles.
Piles?
I thought that'd be more than a Y bar now.
I want to tell you something, Sandy.
And the reason I want to tell you is because...
I can't tell you much about you.
Now, I don't have to tell you, but I want to, because...
Oh, I can't.
Go on. You're doing beautifully.
You don't look much like Sandy.
Well, pretend.
I've done a stupid thing.
A fucking stupid thing.
And I don't mind for me, but I'd like to know
and I don't mind for me, but I'd hate to think I'd hurt you
in any way, because...
I fucking love you.
Now, I know I said that a lot of times before,
and it didn't mean much,
because all I wanted was a root.
But I haven't said it recently, because...
Well, it's come true.
I love you.
And I don't want to lose you
because of this fucking stupid thing I've done.
Hey, mate. Is this where you go for your jack?
No, mate, this is where you go to get rid of him.
It's just what he needs.
We are going to the pub.
You're not to drink.
Now, behave yourselves, old fool.
I hope she wouldn't do that.
Charles never plays his homosexuality
because it caused his divorce,
and his ex-wife wanted him to see his son.
He proved to have the highest rate of VD, don't he?
In this clinic, we do find that syphilis is more prevalent
in gay males.
I thought so.
Do you think that proves something?
Yep, I think it says a lot.
Well, in that case, I suggest you become a lesbian,
because they've got the longest incidence of all.
Dennis says that since I've been working here,
I've lost interest in her genitals.
And every time I go down on her,
she says I'm looking for crabs, warts...
Are you?
It's very hard to break a routine.
My last boyfriend was terribly worried
I'd find a more attractive penis.
And when everything started to break up,
he used to pray that I would.
Having sex is a bit like going to the rub now, isn't it?
Yeah.
Oh, you've come on the right day.
Why?
Well, this is goody's day.
You see, once a week, two members of staff are rostered
to buy morning tea.
There used to be scones and cakes,
but now it's getting quite competitive.
Of course.
You know what it is?
Sometimes I worry about you.
Now, some good old-fashioned ignorance,
some foreign food that's sorpetti's fault.
Listen to me.
I may be foreign, but I'm not that foreign.
Are you having trouble with your girlfriend?
No. Why?
A phone call this morning.
There's a red phone down the hall if you want to use it.
Thank you.
And there was my son
playing doctors and nurses with his little sister,
having a good old walk between her legs.
How old is he?
Ten. And he had exactly the same expression
as Hassad gets when he's looking for warts.
God help me if you've produced another Hassad.
I decided it was time
he had a father and son talk about life.
His father completely chickened out,
so it was up to me.
And he had a marvelous time.
It's amazing, you know.
I think I've given birth to a sensational creature.
You look a bit gloomy.
Are you enjoying your day?
Um...
No.
It's an odd place.
It doesn't suit everyone.
I like the submersion.
Hmm.
I like the submersion.
Hmm.
Did you get a cup of coffee?
No, I had a couple of whiskeys
at the pub across the road.
And do you feel better?
Did you...
Did you ring him?
Yes.
But I'm afraid it didn't do any good.
He simply denied that your retrenchment
had anything to do with your medical condition.
And he was overstaffed
and someone had to go.
That's a lie.
They're advertising for new people.
Yes.
Well, he was very embarrassed
by my call.
What can I do?
Well, I'm afraid you'll have to forget about that place.
Find yourself a new job.
You can't go back there,
not after the way they treated you.
I was happy there.
Good night.
I'm going to number.
I'm going to book out a book.
Have you seen this on the board?
I've seen this on the board.
Take this, Joe.
I says here it's a Japanese dress.
What?
I like enough, isn't it, around that.
You're going to get it in four.
Yes, I'm going to get it in four.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Oh, it's OK.
Oh, yeah.
Right at my will.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
There's no need for that.
The test was negative.
Oh.
What have I got then?
A zit.
Sorry?
A pimple.
A pimple?
Very common.
You've got a lot of glands at the base of your penis.
And they can become infected very easily.
Jack.
What would I want to do that for?
Thanks, Harry.
New free chocolates to get ages.
No worries, man.
Thanks very much.
Thank you, Joe, for that.
Oh, dear.
A pimple.
Um.
Everybody in this place calls you Eric.
That's my name.
You spent seven years getting your title, didn't you?
Eight.
Who wants to be old and respectable?
Seven. Old and respectable.
Very much.
That's because you're 22, young and a minister society.
Listen, when I get that piece of paper, it's gonna be worth all the days you had to spend in places like this.
They didn't work.
What?
Those tablets you made me take.
Didn't they?
Oh, yeah, well, it went away, but it came back again as soon as I had sex.
Oh, you had sex again, did you?
Well, you can't go a week without a bash. I mean, a week is a long time.
With the same person?
Oh, yeah, but it's all right, because she hasn't been treated yet.
Oh.
We're very late.
What's wrong?
It's got warts.
That's better.
At the moment, darling, in here,
would you like a seat?
Good morning.
I'm Dr. Young.
You may call me Will the Vanderbilt.
And what can we do for you?
I never thought I'd end up in a place like this.
It's not so bad.
It's dreadful. It's simply dreadful.
I don't know how you can work here, young woman.
Well, it does have its moments.
So does Cairo, but I wouldn't drink the water.
Now, what's the problem?
Thank you.
It's, uh...
It's not my real name.
I sort of guessed that.
I, uh...
came in cognito.
I was going to hide in the toilets,
but I didn't want to sit in the seats.
Do you say you think I'm being silly?
Well, I can only answer that question when you tell me why you're here.
Are you married?
I don't think that's relevant.
Don't you?
I'd like to speak freely.
Well, I doubt you'd tell me something I haven't heard before.
I see.
Well, don't stop now, darling. Go on.
I, um...
I haven't had any relations with the man since...
my husband walked out on me three years ago.
All that changed last Monday night. That's why I'm here.
Have you had any symptoms?
Of course not.
I'm here because he wasn't clean.
After we, uh...
made love, he just rolled over and went to sleep.
He didn't even get up and wash.
Perhaps he thought there was no need.
One must have standards, whether one's married or not.
My husband always washed.
Twenty years of marriage, he never missed once.
I see.
And...
there were stains on his underpants.
A man who cannot look after his underpants certainly can't keep anything else clean.
Fine. Well, I think we'll just, um...
check everything and make certain it's all fine.
When was your last period?
Two weeks and three days ago.
And are you using any contraception?
It wasn't a premeditated act.
Have you had any pregnancies?
Two children, one miscarriage.
And that was a miscarriage. It wasn't an abortion.
Are you on any medication?
I had a valium before I came.
I'm sorry.
I suppose you think I'm being ridiculous, but...
I find this whole thing embarrassing and degrading.
I would have never come in at all, except that I couldn't sleep at nights for worrying.
You might be used to this sort of thing.
I'm not.
I may be being absurd, but...
I don't think I deserve to be laughed at.
I'm sorry, darling. We do get a bit blase working in here.
I hope we can put your mind at rest.
Yes.
I hope so, too.
I like it.
Have you been here before? Yes.
Doctor, can I see you? You just have to wait your turn.
But I've been here three hours already.
But so has everyone else on the plane. Now be patient. Your turn will come.
It won't be me. Why not?
I've seen them before, and once is enough.
Looks like gonorrhea.
She's giving it to me again.
She's really taking advantage of you. You know that?
Tumper, eh?
Doctor? Doctor.
Ah, Doctor. Good morning.
Good morning. Are you Hai-Chung?
Hai-Chung? Hai-Chung.
Hai-Tung. Hai-Tung. It's going to be a bit of a battle.
But don't worry, we'll get there.
I think we should all sit down.
Hi, mate. I've got a bit of trouble.
No? We need to do an emergency school uniform.
One of my girlfriends says trichomonas, and I'm here for epidemiological treatment.
What's your excuse?
He's got something. He's blaming you? How unfair.
Where are you itchy?
Everywhere, man. Especially the crutch.
I spend more time scratching than I do busking.
I have to play like that, you know.
My takings are down like you wouldn't believe.
Oh, I believe it. OK, change your crutch.
Oh, yes, you've got crabs.
Oh, my God, have you got crabs?
Thought so. Have you ever seen them before?
They cling to the body below the neck.
Very easy to get rid of, very easy to catch.
Do you mind if he just said they're very easy to catch?
Well, not that easy.
I'd like to ask you something. You can refuse if you like, and there'll be absolutely no hassle.
We lecture to various groups on sexually transmitted diseases,
and for the purpose of this we need photographs of the condition.
Do you want to photograph my crutch?
Yes, well, you'd remain anonymous, but we wouldn't take a picture of that.
Oh, this is a well-known tool, man. I mean, who do you look to?
Doctors and nurses, schools.
You're going to show my crutch to hundreds of nurses?
And your armpits.
If I get the armpits, it'll be an honour.
Hello, yes. Oh, here's Dr. Hazard from the VD Clinic speaking.
Yes, that place.
I have no idea what I liked.
Oh, just one moment, please.
Hello? Ah, Dr. Hazard.
What did you say?
Well, that was a pernodial hygein, and a ping.
So what did you do last weekend?
Sir?
Can you ask them to keep still?
Well, that George, your mom's thinking about those nurses.
I'll get an action shot.
Get a cold sprain.
How can she do it? This is a natural hoi.
A flea.
It's bigger than that.
A flea, get the sprain.
No, that stuff smells awful.
Listen, I'm not spangin' a surgical machine.
I'm not working with that smell.
What about my crutch?
Is that all he said?
No, it just seemed to take such a long time.
Oh, you got on to politics.
Yes, yes. Now, look, please, I have a very delicate matter
I would like you to discuss with him.
Now, would you please tell him, as tactfully as possible,
that this is not that sort of clinic,
and that they have come to the wrong place.
Thank you.
They haven't.
They have?
Eh?
No.
Do you know what's in those cans?
Slow death.
I'm not touching the stuff.
We've got to do something.
Me?
Yes. Look, these people come in here with crabs,
and we send them out with fleas.
Right. Where do you want them?
What?
The tailies.
What tailies?
The ones in these boxes. What do you mean, what tailies?
Bill, I'm busy.
I haven't got all day, you know, mate.
Did you order two television sets?
No.
Is this the VD joint or isn't it?
Yes.
Right. Sign here, then.
I want to leave them, let them.
Do you want me to go to the police?
I haven't finished with him yet.
You'll have to check up yourself while you're in here.
I'll wait in the truck.
Thanks, mate.
The old place hasn't changed a bit.
Don't worry.
What's this?
Some sort of bureaucratic bungling.
Why do you work here?
Well, the pay is lousy, but you should see the temp.
You could be in a decent practice,
earning a decent living,
instead of spending your time in these derelict buildings.
It's full of prostitutes, poofters, fleas and crabs.
I enjoy it.
I think it needs a good dose of caro and a box of matches.
Listen, people are going to fuck whether you like it or not.
And I say good luck to them.
Yeah, but fucking is one thing.
This place is here to see that they enjoy it.
Well, I'm sorry.
You can waste your time here if you like, but I can't.
I'm going to stay till lunchtime.
And then I'm going to go.
Hmm.
Suit yourself.
It was awful.
I didn't even get to the lecture.
Why ever not?
I took the clinic car.
Oh, no, I was hoping to use that tonight.
It was all right.
As long as you don't try to do it and left too quickly.
I ran into a car full of nuns.
They prayed for me.
Was anyone hurt?
No.
They were very nice about it.
The way people get when they think you're damned.
I'm sorry.
I think you're damned.
Well, they may be right.
It wasn't my fault.
Have you ever tried to explain to a policeman that a nun went through a red light?
Well, no, I haven't.
And then he asked for my license.
I took out my briefcase and all over they're bonnet.
I think that's what they prayed for.
Well, it's good news.
All the tests are clear, so you've got nothing to worry about.
But they're not final, are they?
There's still the blood tests and cultures to come, but these tests are a very good indication.
Well, how can you say that I've got nothing to worry about?
Because I honestly believe it.
Well, that's it then.
I'll certainly never give in to men and their filthy desires again.
Don't you have any desires?
None that are worth this.
I'll court it.
I'll never play the ball again.
Hey, you, not keep the noise down.
But I'm infected.
For God's sakes, get it treated.
I'm infected.
Press on that.
Bloody vampires.
I told you not to look.
Doctor!
Oh, shit!
Not in front of the patient, please.
I washed it last night.
I think I'm going to faint.
You just have.
Is that my blood?
Just lie still.
Don't tell me. I don't want to know.
Other people's is all right, but not my own.
I can't stand it. I don't bloody stand it.
Brian, B76...
Oh, my God, I'm late.
Yes, you are. I've got things to do.
Now, it's the first door on your left.
Now, take this.
Gillian.
Tom B76443.
Now, darling, what is it? What's wrong?
I can't stand it.
Are you leaving?
Oh, I'm having a terrible day.
I gave up smoking this morning.
I was determined.
I didn't even want to go to morning tea,
because I knew how awful it would be,
everyone puffing away.
You didn't give in, did you?
I wanted to, on the damn cigarette.
Worst decision I've ever made.
I've got these tiny lumps.
Where?
Oh, I'd like a...
Oh, fellow, they've been there about two weeks.
I thought they'd go away.
And they haven't?
Oh, no. Is it bad?
I'm only 19. I want to keep it.
Let's have a look.
I see my girlfriend found them.
Nothing to worry about.
They're sebaceous glands.
Everybody's got them.
Well, they weren't there before.
Perhaps she just hadn't noticed them.
Well, it was a bit embarrassing.
She wondered what they were,
and I hadn't even seen them.
Well, then she wouldn't let me fuck her.
I'd do it to her.
Oh, nice foot. There's nothing wrong with me.
I only come in here because of my mate, Brian.
He used to be scared to come by himself.
She's fine. She'll be back soon.
She's just changing her clothes.
How am I going to tell him
that we have to take another blood tester?
Oh.
He's got a right at the insects.
He wouldn't.
This is Paul. He's a medical student.
Sitting in today. I'll third.
Mm-hmm.
Have you got a question you want to ask Simone?
Um, I don't think so. Why?
She works in a parlour.
Oh.
Um...
No, I don't.
Are you sure?
Yes.
Oh, of course.
Well, I've got a question for you.
How dare you give Monique the clap
like the work of double shift?
I didn't give her the clap. I found it.
That's what he always says.
Anyway, she thinks she caught it from a guy
with a Titanic tattooed on his stick.
I saw a guy like that yesterday,
and I don't think there can be too many of those around.
I'm clean, all right!
Yeah!
Please, would you like a drink?
Well, that was really good.
Thanks, mate.
Oh, cheers.
Big deal.
But I'm clean.
I'm not.
Oh!
But you're good.
I'm not.
OK, we'll just take a bit of time.
Sorry, my top plate's come loose.
You really?
Mm-hm.
All right. OK.
I'm sorry. I'm always like this.
Do you need it? Have you been doing it all?
Wives won't. That's why they come to us.
Look, um, it's, um, it's more than a penis, you know?
Huh? If dicks looked like that,
I wouldn't be in the business.
Eric, how long are my results going to be?
Same as usual.
Can I come back for them after?
I've got to go and see my accountant.
Your accountant?
What time?
I'm a working girl. 12.30.
No, we're having lunch then. It'll be one o'clock.
OK.
You ready?
Mm-hm.
All right. OK.
Now...
Oh!
I'm sorry. It's always the same.
That's why he got you to do it.
You bastard!
I'm pleased you're a woman.
So am I.
Because you can do something for me.
What's that?
Explain my genitals to me.
I've looked at those diagrams in books,
but they don't make much sense,
especially when you look at mine.
You look perfectly normal.
I couldn't have asked you if you were a man.
Right.
I know it's difficult on this couch,
but I'll sit up so you can see in the mirror.
I'm glad I did yoga.
OK.
Now, these are the labia majora,
which is Latin for big lips.
And these are the labia minora, or small lips.
Right.
That's the opening where the urine comes out,
and that's the opening to the vagina.
What are those bits?
What?
Just these.
They're the remnants of the hymen.
Really?
I wouldn't have thought I'd have any left.
Everybody's got them.
Is that all they are?
I was a bit worried.
That's all.
What are the results?
Goodness, I know where that is.
I found that out when I was 12.
I'm sorry.
I can't give out someone else's results.
I understand he's your son,
but that makes no difference, I'm afraid.
No, the results are confidential.
Well, how did you find out he came here?
I see.
I...
I'm afraid your son will have to ring me himself.
One more patient before you go to the beach.
Yeah, okay.
Clinic.
Oh, really?
Just put it through, will you?
That sounds like someone you don't want to speak to.
Yeah, my boyfriend's mother.
I'm very well, thank you. How are you?
How's the balls?
Oh, Patrick told me about that.
I'd love to come. That'd be wonderful.
I'll see you then.
Bye-bye.
Your boyfriend, eh?
Yeah, yeah.
He told his parents about us,
and now they want to meet me.
Oh.
If I can understand that, I'd like to meet you too.
Would you?
Yes, I'd like to see who perverted my son.
You obviously don't know Patrick.
Oh.
Well, now I understand why you work in this place.
Do you?
Obvious.
Is it?
Yeah.
Those men come in here,
and they drop their pants for you.
Oh, that's weird.
Now, that is simpler than hanging around a public lavatory, isn't it?
Listen, I'm no more interested in the men that come in here
than you should be in sticking the speculum up the women.
Well, at least that's normal, isn't it?
I think you'd be better off at the beach.
I couldn't agree any more.
Comfy?
I don't know.
What?
She was a slut, wasn't she?
Who?
The one who came in here before me.
She was in here, this place is full of sin.
You must be offended, isn't it?
Say, he's trying to pretend she wasn't in here.
It stinks to high heaven.
Sit down here and tell us all about it.
I know what you do in here.
Sit down, come on.
See? I know what you do.
Yes, but it has to be finished by next week.
The Lord will destroy you utterly.
This is Sodom.
This is Gomorrah.
No, no, no, I'm Sodom, that's Gomorrah.
You can laugh, but the Lord will destroy you.
Do you have a doctor? What's your doctor's name?
We got a telephone number for him?
Back again!
Give me the nidic.
Why do they always come in when I've got a hangover?
Thank you.
I hope you'll be able to hang out.
Something in that?
Listen, thank you for that.
Here.
Um...
Let's go there.
Jesus Christ.
Excuse me, can I help you?
No.
Cough, cough.
Ever such nice cheese and pickles?
Do you want one?
No, thanks.
Do you want one?
Please, please.
It's syphilis, so he has got a problem.
Two, there's his mother.
And his boss.
I tried ringing him, but it was like getting through to Victorian England and speaking to the Queen.
Well, so he thinks VD is a punishment for the civius behavior.
I tried to tell him that you only caught it if you were a warm, loving human being.
But...
I just hung up.
I wish his mother heard.
Poor Morric.
And I want to do.
Senegal.
Luiz, San Francisco.
My daughter.
Newzejuka,ひ引き
Oh!
astronomies
They looked up.
You know, I listen to many, many times and you can't bring me to the clinic, right?
Because I'm busy, I can't talk, it's just a waste of time.
Yeah, talking to you is a waste of time, that's not what I said Wendy.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, alright.
No, I can't deny it because I'm going to be late because that clinic that I'm working at is...
...because it's finishing late and then I have to study.
Well, of course I will be with you, Wendy.
I'm not avoiding you.
You're the one who wanted to go out with a med student, aren't you?
Well, maybe you're right, Wendy. Maybe it is a waste of time.
Yeah, it's a complete waste of time, Wendy, that's exactly what I'm going to do.
Wendy?
I'm sorry.
I think it's herpes.
I knew.
It's caused by a virus, right? It's the same virus that causes things like cold sores.
Now, I'm afraid there's nothing I can do to get rid of it.
There's plenty I can do to make you more comfortable.
But what you've got to remember is that this attack will last for about a week, maybe ten days.
The white time sentence.
It will clear up.
Then the virus lies dormant and it may never bother you again.
Or...
Or you may have more attacks.
But they'll almost certainly never be as bad as this one.
I'll tell you what you can do. Ring him. Ring him and tell him what he's done to me.
All he gets is a tiny blister on his dick and it doesn't even stop him screwing.
Oh, look at me, I can hardly walk.
You've had an unusually bad attack.
Will you ring him or not?
No.
Then I will.
I'll get you some water.
Right. Should we start again?
Look, I know it's hard.
There's a lot of sensational rubbish being written about it.
The new incurable epidemic.
True story of a sexual leper.
It's utter nonsense. Forget all that.
You haven't caught it?
No. But I know a lot about it.
And the important thing is that given time your body's defenses gradually improve.
It won't happen so often.
And it won't ever be so painful.
Watch out for me when I'm 60.
I don't think you'll have to wait quite that long.
Come on.
Look at me.
Hi. How was your account?
I thought you were an old pie.
Do you have more than I'll need?
Yeah, they were clean.
It's alright to raise a titan.
You've got no punch of fric away from the clinic.
I'll make some wine.
Hey, um, would you mind if I ask you a question?
Do more than that. You've got things to do.
Do you enjoy your work?
What are you doing it for, wasn't it?
Well, what I really meant was...
Is...
I'm going to be late.
How many things have I not?
I'm not that old.
Depends. I'd average 20 or more nights when I'm a bad man.
Got to work out something, haven't you?
Time for the results. Tell Eric you've seen me.
I will.
Bye.
Sorry.
Would you mind if I gave you an injection?
Then we could all go to lunch.
Would you? Please.
I've got to go to the firm,
otherwise I won't get through the afternoon.
What? I know about those televisions.
Oh, yeah?
Someone in the department forgot to spend some money.
I had to get rid of it in the morning.
You know, you'd find something a little more useful, wouldn't you?
Oh, I don't know who's the patients.
Hey, Gamora.
Hi. I just gave Simone her results.
Oh, full of little surprises, haven't we?
Um...
Oh, did you enjoy your moment?
It was interesting.
I thought you'd like Dr. Linden.
Now what are we going to do with you?
Ah, have you met Dr. Husserl?
Yes. Welcome aboard.
Six inches!
Oh, it's rather nice in the district.
I'll just make a good breakfast.
I'll just make some time off this afternoon.
Tell the chief what we can do.
You always know, don't you?
No, I'd rather work.
Well, if you change your mind.
I've now removed part of a condom.
Oh, yeah, it broke last night.
I wondered what had happened to it.
They don't make them like they used to.
No, they don't.
I tried an experiment the other night.
Oh, yes?
So could you check the back end as well?
Oh, sure.
No, no, you're quite safe.
You won't catch gonorrhea from a toilet seat.
Well, someone's done an experiment
using all different types of seats.
No, no, they didn't use volunteer sitters.
They swabbed them.
Oh, so it is you.
I had a feeling it might be, but I wasn't sure.
Well, I've got white knickers on today.
And have you finished masturbating yet?
I've done it.
I found the cervix.
It went off all right then.
We're engaged.
But you were engaged before.
Oh, yeah, well, I just said that because it sounded better.
Ah.
Well, congratulations.
I'm glad it went so well.
There's just one thing.
The little bitch at the pub.
Ah, yes, the one you were going to teach a lesson.
Yeah, well, seeing as how everything went so well for me
and saying to you,
I thought maybe I should tell her what happened.
Well, I think that'd be very kind
because she probably doesn't know.
It's just...
Well, I don't know what to say.
He didn't say anything.
It was his ex-lover's brother's flatmate.
He suggested I should come in.
Mm.
Were you active or passive?
Pardon?
Did you make love to him or did he make love to you?
Oh, his place or mine?
Just as well I asked or I might have got it wrong.
Mm.
Aha! Aha!
I'm the only person in this establishment, I assure you,
who's conversant with the electrical system.
Don't cut your hair, Bunny, it's beautiful.
I've got new lips.
Really? What do you think?
Oh, no, love, it's not you at all.
Not unless you change the colour of your hair.
Oh, good.
I thought I heard a familiar voice.
I'll see if it works or fits it up.
I have a new job.
I'm now in charge of cosmetics.
Congratulations. You look wonderful.
I wish I felt as. I've got a problem.
Short and curly one, huh?
Wouldn't it rot your panty hairs?
And I'm booked on a 515 plane with my boss,
so we'd better do something about it quick, though.
Does your boss know?
No, I even have to keep a spare packet of tampons
in my office drawer in case she ever runs out.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I dress nicely, I look the part.
I keep on picking up all these straight men,
and all they want me to do is screw them.
Perhaps they enjoy the feel of silicone on their backs.
You can relax, darling.
We've hit the even dozen.
You can relax, darling. We've hit the even dozen.
This one's a loony.
I saw them like this in the war when they were under fire.
You're a loony, you know that, don't you?
I'd like you to meet my fiancee, Sam.
Can you color for me?
Of course.
I've just got to tell someone I think I'm going to be a good man.
I'm going to be a good man.
No, no, no, Sam, I want to hear them.
The police rang just now
and said that Warwick had killed himself.
Warwick?
His boss, told the boy's mother.
And everyone else at the factory.
They found our number in his clothing.
How could anyone do that?
We'll have to find out.
Alda!
Excuse me, excuse me.
sorry.
sorry this morning.
never mind about him.
go and get the fire brigade on the phone.
ladies and gentlemen please.
I'm Dr. Carmichael the director of this clinic.
I have to ask you all to leave at once.
we have a gas leak and there's some danger of an explosion.
we've just had a lunatic on the phone.
he reckons he's planted a bomb in the place.
I'm sorry but for Christ's sake get out of here.
we don't know what kind of a bomb it is.
it's on the street.
it's on the gas leak.
yes yes.
do you speak English?
I speak good English.
I'm not stupid.
we have to get out of here.
what?
what's going on?
you've been to Mecanos. what's the big bomb?
look at this.
it's a bomb.
did she say a bomb threat?
it's on the street.
back on the street.
come on get a move on.
it's going to be such a big flap.
we won't know whether we've made it here.
Doc!
you'll never guess what's happened.
oh yes I will.
do you think you can wait till after the bomb goes off?
hello clinic. I'm sorry but we...
hi.
what tonight?
no I didn't have anything planned.
except one of Dad's curries.
darling this is no time to make up. come on.
you too.
bye.
good idea to blow it up I think.
why?
you might need it yourself when you grow up.
you know the bills.
turn right back.
near the telephone.
gotta go.
all this blue.
gotta go. all this blue.
bye.
doesn't look like we'll get cleared today.
I think I'll go to the pub.
hey Doc.
this is my fiance. Sam.
how do you do?
I'm fine.
bloody!
get your gelato!
do you want paper bags?
two beers please.
help yourselves.
you're a bad a bad.
I work my way through medicine.
you were lucky to find this crowd.
oh I don't know. I'll pay the police.
hey.
since I don't get enough of that sort of thing.
upstairs.
hello.
well uh.
I've had this strange thing happen.
so I was with my girlfriend last week.
my parents were at the opera.
and you used their bed?
no.
I was just going to get some rest.
um.
we used the coffee table actually.
and
when I was ready to blow
I pulled out
and I came on her stomach.
and there was
bright red blood in it.
well has it happened again?
no but I was too scared to do very much.
I um
checked all the textbooks.
they didn't help.
have you masturbated?
yes.
that was okay.
but
I found
a lump.
I think the worst dreams come true.
I trust you.
thousands wouldn't.
oh shit.
is this it?
yes.
here.
let's just assist. that's nothing to worry about.
assist?
yeah.
do you think you had cancer?
well you're in the right age group.
thanks.
what a mumbo jumbo about sodom and
gumball and a couple of bibles.
it's all over.
you can go back to work.
one more.
I'm not having news about sending you an afternoon.
one more.
I might have known.
second of the road.
what's your number?
boston.
pick a card. any card.
look um
I might get back there.
oh well perhaps not.
thanks a lot sodom.
see you tomorrow.
bye.
here we go again darling.
elizabeth
g-87714
the conversation's
moving like
mezzos in the air
but I'm gliding through
the night
and there's a light in every
end and I'm so easily
left to your welcome that
I can't hold it
tiger
oh oh oh
falling about is all
we do
fingers
you start to
feel
falling
we fall
in
come for us
now
see how
she dances
just fine
it's
just
you
where you think your heart could stop