Potourse
Okay Amy, okay.
Sit and be good and I'll get you some lunch.
Stop it.
Amy no!
Amy!
God, there's a whole dozen eggs, more money, don't the drain just stop it!
Stop it!
God, I never should have paid me!
I just can't do it, I can't do it!
Beth?
Yeah?
Oh I'm glad I got you, can you talk?
Yeah, for a minute, I've got to give Billy a bath in a little bit.
I've got to talk to somebody.
Okay, okay, settle down, what's wrong?
Sometimes I just don't think I can handle this being a parent.
Amy is driving me crazy, I'm not cut out for this, I'm not good as a mother.
And sometimes I think I am going to go crazy.
Hey, hey, hey, stop right there, hold it, just cool it for a minute.
You are getting too worked up.
I can't help it.
Amy, stop it!
Calm down, I know it's hard and you might need some extra help.
Let's talk about it, okay?
Look, I know you love Amy.
Yes I love her, but love just isn't enough.
Not only am I miserable, but I'm not even doing good for her.
Look, it's hard being a parent, especially when you're so young.
I know what you're saying, I was almost hysterical with Billy for a while.
Let me tell you what I did, I went to the parenting center.
Amy, stop it!
The parenting center, isn't that the place where people with emotional problems go?
Yeah, they have counseling for people with emotional problems,
but they also have parenting groups.
People just go and talk about problems with their kids.
I don't want to go there.
I mean how can you stand until perfect strangers are your problems?
Well, I found out sharing your problems help you see you're not alone.
And you learn how other parents deal with problems with their kids.
There's a really neat lady who's a group leader.
My morale is already so low I don't need some expert telling me how bad I am.
She's not like that.
She's not a know-it-all and the people there aren't judgmental.
Just think about it.
Okay, listen, Jeff's coming in, I've got to go.
He'll just say I've been on the phone all day.
Hang in there and think about what I said.
Okay, thanks. Bye.
Jeff.
Hi, did you get something to drink?
It's not cold yet.
Will you pick that up? I can't clean up after you and Amy both.
Not cold? Couldn't you have at least put it in the refrigerator after I worked all day?
What did you think I did, play?
You probably talked on the phone and watched soap operas.
I don't know, what did you do?
I don't believe this. I would like to see you try to survive around here for just one day.
Hey, where are my gym shorts?
I don't know why.
Because I'm going to go play basketball with the guys.
Your what? You're going to leave me here again with Amy tonight?
Listen, just give Amy something to drink and put her to bed. What's the big deal?
She's your daughter. Why can't you spend some more time with her?
Why can't you do some of the work?
And why can't you spend some more time with me?
Sandy, listen to yourself. I mean, just look at yourself.
I'm not trying to be mean, but you don't look or act nice.
I mean, look at your hair. I bet you haven't combed it all day.
And every evening I walk into this place, you've got something negative to say.
Well, if you had to take care of Amy, clean this white little apartment, do the shopping, the laundry, and pick up after everybody, you wouldn't look so good either.
Listen, you're the one who wanted to have this baby.
Now all you do is complain like you don't even care about her.
What kind of mother are you?
Hello?
Hi, Beth. I need the time on that parenting group. I'm going.
Hi, is everybody ready to get started?
Yeah.
This is Sandy. I'll let you all introduce yourselves.
Carla.
I'm Jim.
I'm Linda.
And I'm Liz, Liz Dotson.
Okay, first off, I'd like to talk just a little bit about why we're here and what we try to accomplish.
This is a parenting group. We're all parents, primarily of small children, and we're here to help each other.
I'm your discussion leader, but I'm not here to be an authority or the answer woman.
I have had a few more years' experience parenting than most of you, but I went through many of the same things you're going through.
I can learn from you, too. We're all here to learn from each other and to help each other.
Parenting is probably one of the most difficult things that you will ever do.
It can be frustrating and demanding, but it can also be one of the happiest and most rewarding experiences of your life.
It involves hard physical work, emotional turmoil, and a lot of self-doubt.
It's probably even harder for most of you because you're all young parents.
Some of you may not have gotten all of your own growing up done before you became parents yourselves.
The relationship between a parent and child is unique.
You will probably never love any other human being as completely and unconditionally as you do your child.
So let's talk. Does anybody have any special concerns?
Okay, I'll go first. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever know how to be a good mother.
I had Carrie when I was 15, and my boyfriend said adios, so now it's just me and my mother and Carrie.
I love him a lot, and I want to be a good mother, but I can't control him. He's totally out of my hands.
Sometimes I feel that he has control of my life instead of the other way around.
Tell us more about it, Carla.
Okay, but he's a wild one. I mean, if he doesn't get his way, he has tantrums. He yells. He screams.
I've tried talking to him, yelling at him, taking away toys.
My mother says I'm botching him up because I don't like to spank him, but I've tried that too, and it doesn't seem to work at all.
I know what you mean. My little girl does the same thing. It makes me so nervous.
I don't know what to do, and I just end up screaming at her. Of course, it only makes it worse.
Yeah, we're having the same problem with JJ. I guess a lot of it's because Jenny and I don't have our act together.
I didn't marry Jenny when she got pregnant. I cared about her, but I just didn't think we had what it took to make it.
But I didn't say adios. I mean, I'm really trying to be a good father, even though we don't live together.
What kind of behavior problems are you having, Jim?
Well, the worst is when they show up in public. I took JJ out to a restaurant the other night with my folks.
I only get to get him for visits, and I try to do something special with him.
It was a really nice place, but the kid was terrible. I mean, he poured out the salt.
He climbed under the table. He turned over a coat. It just went from bad to worse.
And I sat there feeling like a fool because I couldn't control my own kid.
Discipline issues are probably the toughest of all, especially with small children.
People generally think of discipline as correcting or punishing children for bad behavior, but it's a whole lot more, or should be.
Real discipline involves teaching and reinforcing desirable behavior in kids.
Well, tell me, are all kids like this? I mean, is this what we have to look forward to for the next 18 years?
Because I don't think I can stand it.
We've all heard of the terrible twos. Almost all kids start with some of this kind of behavior when they reach toddlerhood.
They're struggling with the realization that they're separate entities from their parents.
Part of a child's effort to establish his own sense of identity involves rebelling against parental authority,
and their impulse control is at a very primitive stage.
But it's important to learn how to deal with this kind of behavior effectively
so it doesn't become the child's permanent way of dealing with his needs and frustrations.
Have any of you got any thoughts on how to handle this problem?
Linda, you've been with the group of Goodwild. Do you have any ideas?
I try to keep one thing in mind, not only in dealing with tantrums, but with almost any undesirable behavior.
What does the child want most from his parent?
Ice cream.
No, silly. Be serious. Think about it. They want attention.
Yeah, well, that's not a very good way to get it.
Exactly, Sandy. But all too often the message that we give the child is that throwing a temper tantrum
and doing something undesirable is exactly the way to get the most attention.
Think about it. Don't you find yourself directing all your attention to the child when he throws a really good one
so he gets the big payoff of all that attention?
I've been working with the whole idea, which I got from this group a few weeks ago,
of making Brandon and Thomas take timeouts.
Timeout is what I need when they start that stuff.
That's another side benefit, Carla.
When you're really getting steamed, you might say or do something you could regret.
Now, I give my kids a chance to straighten up on their own by saying something like,
guys, if you can't get a hold of yourself and stop this fighting, screaming, or throwing, or whatever they're doing,
you're going to have to go to your room.
And it's even more effective if you can say that very calmly.
You may be turning inside. I'm not suggesting that a parent can't ever show how he feels,
but keep as calm as possible because the kids' actions really do speak louder than words.
If they don't stop right away, I take them each to a different area of the house.
You need a baby gate or some kind of a mechanism to keep them there until the timeout is over.
I tell them that as soon as the tantrum is over, then they can have their timeout.
Then I just let them scream, yell, kick, just get it out of their system.
When the tantrum is over, I glance at my watch and I leave them there for timeout another four or five minutes.
The first few times, the tantrums seemed to last longer,
but pretty soon they figured out that the sooner they stopped, the sooner they'd be out of there.
You mean you give them the choice and then let them live with the consequences of their decision.
Carla mentioned spanking. Do you think that that's a good practice?
Spanking is not very effective for several reasons.
For instance, if your child is hitting someone, does it make sense to do the same thing to him to show him that it's wrong?
Of course not. Spanking is hitting.
We need to find ways to teach our children that hitting is not an acceptable way to solve our problems.
Second, while spanking may cause the child to obey while he is small,
it can create a great deal of anger and resentment against the parent,
and it certainly becomes less and less effective as the child grows older and the parent must hit harder.
Are you saying you're a bad parent if you ever spank your child?
No, not at all. Parents are human beings too.
There are times when your frustration with the child is so great that you just give him a little whack on the behind.
Or on a more serious note, there may be instances where making your point is important enough that it's a useful technique,
like if he runs in front of a car or does something else that's dangerous enough
that you want him to remember what you're saying and how strongly you feel about it.
But as a regular discipline technique, spanking in the long run is very counterproductive to the teaching of desirable behavior to children.
Let's talk a little more about discipline.
The real basis for the most effective discipline is a warm, loving bond between parent and child.
Unfortunately, that bond is usually in place by the time he reaches toddlerhood.
All the time the parent has spent cuddling, feeding, hugging, and playing with the child while he is an infant has formed that bond.
By the time discipline becomes an issue, the child really wants the parent's approval and attention.
So why does Carrie act up if he wants you to be happy with him?
Because parents frequently make the mistake of ignoring the child when his behavior is good.
The child would rather have the attention that comes with bad behavior than no attention at all.
It's important to concentrate on praising and giving attention to desirable behavior and to continue building rapport with your child.
What do you mean by rapport?
The whole nature of a good parent-child relationship. It's the development of mutual love and respect.
I love to kiss and hug the little booger. He's just so cute and cuddly.
Parents can show a lot of emotional support to kids by physical affection.
A hug or kiss, an arm around the shoulder, a special time to be tucked in at bedtime.
All can convey love. And don't forget those three little words, I love you.
Everybody needs to hear that, especially kids.
We usually do those things with small children instinctively.
What we don't always do at this age is to spend really meaningful time talking with the child and just enjoying each other.
But they are so full of questions. I get so tired of trying to answer them. Usually I just tune them out.
I know. I remember when my kids were into that question asking game.
I tended to think of all those questions as just a nuisance.
I remember wishing they'd just stop so I could get on with my work.
But those day-to-day exchanges between parent and child are really important to a young child's intellectual development.
How you respond also says a lot to the child about how much you respect him and care about him as a person.
But I get so tired after doing everything I have to do all day that sometimes I just have to say no more questions. Mommy's too tired.
Nobody can answer all their questions, especially with two the ages of yours.
Don't feel guilty if you have to say that sometimes, but do the best you can to be responsive and it will increase their language development, their reasoning power, and their intellect.
It will also make the child feel he's important to you, that he's worth communicating with.
Too many parents wait until the child is a teenager and then they want to open the channels of communication.
Now is the time to do it.
Well, do any of you ever feel like you were just too young to have a baby?
There is so much I don't know if I'm doing right or wrong.
It is harder when you're young. When we got married and had kids, we were both so young.
I know it had a lot to do with the marriage not making it.
But one advantage of being young is that you can still have a lot of fun with kids.
My mother says I'm a big kid myself.
No, my husband's a big kid.
Hey, that playfulness can be such a big plus for you and your children.
Rediscovering the child in you can be a delight for you and your child.
After working all day with my boss looking over my shoulder and then coming home to hear Jenny harp,
how am I going to discover the child in me?
It can be fun, Jim, even relaxing.
Sit down and pretend you're a three or four-year-old again.
Use some of their materials like balls or blocks.
Put your fingers in play-doh. Stick your toes in some wet sand.
What's the purpose?
Regaining that feeling of childhood enables you to see things through your child's eyes.
Having the emotional grasp of childhood, even temporarily, is a real key to the adventure of parenthood.
Plus, it communicates to the child that you really enjoy him.
Yeah, Amy does seem really happy when I play with her.
I really believe spending time with your kids is important, but it's so hard to find the time or the energy.
We'll talk about more ways to carve out more time in our next session.
So if I try to pay attention to Carrie when he's good and give him time out when he's bad,
then he'll do whatever I tell him to do. He'll actually mind me and be good all the time.
Don't think she went that far.
Carla, no child is ever going to do everything you want and hope for.
And at the outset, it's real important to differentiate between the child being good or bad
and their behavior being good or bad.
It's vital to a child's self-esteem that he not be constantly told that he is bad.
If you talk to the child about bad or good, be sure to get across to him in terms that he understands
that when you use the word bad, it's his behavior that you're talking about and not him.
I think also that our expectations have to be realistic. Kids have short attention spans.
A three-year-old can't control himself like a ten-year-old.
Most parents tend to expect more from their children than they're capable of for their age
or stage of development. Jim, when you talked about the problems with taking your son out to eat,
remember the isolation or time out technique.
As soon as he starts to act up, calmly remove him from the premises and go sit in the car with him.
Give him one warning, then no more words, just actions.
If you're consistent, and this is very important, he'll get the idea.
But before you even get to that point, be reasonable in your expectations.
Try to choose a restaurant with an atmosphere that welcomes children,
perhaps where the meal is served fairly quickly so the child isn't expected to sit and wait for a long time.
Sometimes having a coloring book or something else to look at at the table
helps divert a child's attention from doing undesirable behavior.
It's helped me a lot, especially since Joe and I divorced,
to try to decide on the really significant behavior issues.
That way, I don't expect so much and I don't set my kids up for failure.
It's a good idea to decide which issues are really important.
That might be different for different families.
But as parents of small children, we shouldn't have so many rules or issues
that our expectations become unrealistic.
If you do, life can become a constant battleground.
Let's summarize.
Discipline should be a system for teaching and reinforcing desirable behavior.
The real basis for discipline is a bond of love and mutual respect between parent and child.
Limit the issues and make sure your expectations are reasonable
for your child's age and stage of development.
Parents should concentrate on giving the payoff of attention to good behavior.
Whenever possible, give the child a choice and let him live with the consequences of his decision.
Remember the importance of building good rapport with your child
by showing affection and by talking and spending time with your child.
It was great.
I'm glad you liked it.
I learned a lot.
If it helps you deal better with Amy, go for it.
I wish you'd go with me.
What?
No way.
Look, it's just not my style.
Other fathers go.
Look, Sandy, I work at that grocery store over 30 hours a week.
I'm in school every second I'm not there.
I just don't have the time.
Jeff, we've been through so much.
We're so young.
I mean, having to get married before you're really ready,
trying to work and finish school and trying to be a parent.
I could really use the help.
Please just think about it.
Okay, I'll think about it.
See you.
Come here, Amy.
Mommy needs a hug.
I'd like to talk a little more today about the importance
of the relationship between the parent and the child,
both as a cement for real discipline
and as the building block of self-esteem in the child,
mutual love and respect.
It's the real basis for successful parenting.
Well, I know the child is supposed to respect the parent,
but what do you mean about the parent respecting the child?
Yeah, I thought last time you were saying
that we should be in control, not vice versa.
The establishment of parental authority is extremely important.
A parent's willingness to set reasonable limits
and apply them consistently is vital.
But the way they are communicated and enforced is just as important.
A parent must treat his child with respect as a human being
if he wants the child's respect returned
and if he wants the child to develop a healthy self-esteem.
What do you really mean when you say self-esteem?
I mean, we're dealing with little kids.
The same as if we were talking about any human being.
It's the child's self-image,
the mental picture that he has of himself.
How happy and how successful the child will be
in almost every aspect of his life
depends a great degree on how positive his self-concept is.
Strengthening his mental image of himself
is one of the most important tasks of parenting young children.
Sometimes my own self-esteem isn't so great.
I want Amy to grow up with good self-esteem,
but I know I criticize her too much.
A child starts to develop his self-concept from the day he's born.
The major task of infancy is to give the baby the warmth,
love and care that will help him learn basic trust.
A major task of toddlerhood is to help the child
add another dimension to his self-concept,
self-confidence, not self-doubt.
The whole idea of the responsibility
of instilling self-confidence is scary.
How do we accomplish that?
Well, a big part of it is creating an environment
in which your child is stimulated to think and explore,
and free to express his feelings.
What do you mean?
For starters, the physical environment in your home
should be as child-proofed as possible.
It's very natural and healthy for toddlers
to want to get into everything.
But my mother has her house filled with what-nots
and other little valuables.
She says it's a good way to teach Kerry
not to touch things he's not supposed to.
Our house is filled with no-nos, even for me.
Exploring is a toddler's way of learning.
Having to correct the child and tell him no constantly
can create a negative environment
and even convey a feeling to the child
that he shouldn't explore and try new things.
A child needs a rich environment for his intellectual development
and in order to learn independence.
Rich? You mean like a lot of toys?
We really can't afford all that expensive kid stuff.
Not rich in the money sense, Sandy.
Just lots of things to explore and learn from,
like old pots and pans, plastic containers in the bathtub,
shoe boxes, fabric scraps of different colors and textures,
even a big empty box.
If you're frustrated by all the things
that your toddler wants to get into,
just remember that the curiosity he shows now
will be that same curiosity that will make him successful
in school and work all the rest of his life,
if it isn't repressed.
On a larger scale, creating an emotionally healthy environment
conducive to the development of good self-esteem
is a real family affair.
We'll talk about that more the next time.
But for now, let's just say that the child should feel
a sense of unconditional positive regard from his parents.
You know, my mom used to say she still loved me,
no matter how bad I acted.
I guess that's what you mean, huh?
Yeah, that's a good way to put it, Jim.
To let your child know that your love is there
and always will be, no matter what.
Oh, it's so easy to say that, but I don't know
about actually doing it on a day-to-day basis.
It's not easy, Sandy, you're right.
It's a matter of creating an environment
filled with encouragement,
letting your child know that you have faith in him
and you expect him to do well,
while not becoming hypercritical.
Trying to concentrate on their successes
and not their failures can be hard to keep in mind
when you're totally exhausted from cleaning up messes,
answering their questions, calling timeouts.
We're not looking for perfect parents.
There's no such thing.
There will be times when you're so tired
or frustrated or angry, you just let go and say so.
It's okay to say how you feel,
but it's also important to give your child the freedom
to say how he feels while accepting his feelings,
whatever they are.
Wait a minute, Liz.
What if he feels real mad and wants to express his feelings
by throwing one of Mom's whatnots?
I mean, my mom would have a cow if I let him express his feelings
by throwing one of her fancy little vases.
There's a big difference between how they feel and what they do.
Right. The distinction between feelings and actions
is an important one.
A small child has very little control over how he feels,
but he can learn to control his actions.
Talk with your child about his feelings.
Let him know that you understand
and it's okay to feel angry or upset.
Then go one step further and let him know there are acceptable
and unacceptable ways to express his feelings.
My mother always told me it wasn't nice to be mad.
What's an okay way to show you're mad?
Hitting a pillow, hitting a bot bag,
and of course, as soon as the child's old enough to verbalize,
the best way is saying how you feel.
But be firm in saying what's not acceptable,
like hitting, biting, and breaking things.
Liz, you talked about encouragement and independence.
Well, my husband says I baby Amy too much,
and I'll admit I don't exactly encourage her to try new things,
but I'm so afraid she's going to get hurt
doing all those things that he wants to let her do.
Encouraging independence means not insulating your child
in a cocoon of overprotectiveness.
Of course, you want to avoid dangerous
or age-inappropriate activities,
but to learn confidence and independence,
a child must have the freedom to try and even to fail.
When a parent excessively supervises a child's behavior or activities,
the message that's conveyed is that the child can't do much for himself.
The message that we want to convey is that you are capable.
Well, I've talked a lot today.
Let's summarize.
Work to create an environment for building positive self-esteem in your child,
one of encouragement, freedom to explore and learn,
and lots of stimulation.
Concentrate on his successes and allow him his own feelings
while teaching appropriate ways to express negative feelings.
I'm having so much fun with you tonight.
It's almost like it used to be.
Yeah, it is.
You know, I think that little class you're taking
has really helped you be a lot more calmer with Amy.
You've let up on me some.
Lately, it's like you've started to act more like a normal wife and mother.
Jeff, that really hurts.
I have never acted abnormal.
You just don't know what it's like to be totally responsible for Amy 24 hours a day.
Well, here we go again.
Look, Sandy, why did you have Amy if you're going to take this attitude about motherhood?
Why did I have her?
What about you? You had something to do with this, didn't you?
Of course, but once you got pregnant, we didn't have to have her.
You told me you loved me.
I did. I mean, I do.
Look, Sandy, I know it hasn't been easy on you having to quit school,
but do you think it's been easy on me trying to go to school
and work at a crummy minimum wage job at the same time?
I never said it was easy, Jeff. You just act like what I do is easy.
You don't want to be involved with Amy at all.
Amy is your job.
My job? I can't go to school. I can't work.
I have to ask you for every red penny, and Amy is all my job?
We're never going to see each other's point of view, are we?
No, I guess not.
And every time we try to talk, we just end up in an argument.
That's why we need help, Jeff.
Liz says that there are problems between the parents.
They're going to come out somewhere in the kids.
You really want me to go to that parenting session, don't you?
So many of the problems we have are related to being parents.
I really think we could use the help, or it's too late.
Tell me, did anybody have any experiences this week
relating to the ideas we talked about last time?
Well, I did work on the respect thing.
And?
And I did discover that when I spoke to Amy in a pleasant tone of voice,
that she did listen and respond to me a lot better.
Isn't that true of almost everybody we deal with?
Did anyone else try the mutual respect technique?
Yeah. Jenny always says I make promises to JJ and then I don't keep them.
I got to thinking about it, and I decided she was right.
I mean, I mean well, but sometimes I just forget.
And I didn't think it meant that much to him.
But anyway, this week I made it a point to keep my word and remember.
And you know, I think it really meant a lot to the little guy.
I noticed that when I tried to cooperate with Brandon and Thomas
and accommodate some of their wishes, they did the same for me.
For example, they hate it when I talk on the telephone.
So I made an agreement that if they would clean up the playroom
when we got home, I would only talk on the phone for three minutes.
I kept my agreement and they kept theirs. Great.
I tried to give more positive attention to Carrie when he was acting good,
and it did help, but sometimes I don't know if I'll ever learn enough
to control that child.
Tell us more, Carla.
Okay. Where do I start?
First of all, my mother, she and I disagree on almost everything
how to handle him.
Now that he's going to preschool two mornings, he gets up
and wants to put on some of the wildest combinations of clothes you've ever seen.
Mom says he's not going to go out looking like that.
So I'm caught between a rock and a hard place trying to please both of them.
I mean, he fusses about taking a nap.
He fusses about going to bed.
He gets cranky when we go to the mall.
It just seems like he's got the permanent case of the grumpies.
You've identified several problem areas.
First of all, the problem with you and your mother having disagreements
seems to come up frequently.
I'm also hearing that from several others, either with your husband,
J.J.'s mother, or whoever you call your nuclear family.
I want to spend a whole session on that the next time.
I hope you'll encourage other family members to come and participate.
The dynamics of family relationships can be discussed much more effectively
if everyone involved participates.
Well, I doubted if my mom would come.
She thinks she could teach this course.
Well, let's look at these other problems.
You mentioned not being able to control Carrie.
The goal of effective discipline is not just keeping children under control,
but of teaching the concept of living a disciplined lifestyle.
Children will behave best if their lives have structure and predictability,
and it's a parent's job to provide that framework.
Wait, what are you getting at?
What's that mean?
Well, a schedule, obviously, rules that are reasonable, and consistency.
That's exactly right.
But it's not only hard work for parents to be consistent in their follow-through
and all that, it also requires parents to be willing to relinquish some control
to the child.
Amy would love that.
But how do we relinquish control to a child, and why should we?
Because developing a self-discipline and self-confident child
involves fostering independence.
They want to do things themselves to make decisions about their lives
and about what they can and can't do, and parents need to let them have
a reasonable amount of control so that they begin to feel competent,
self-confident, and independent.
Wait, let me get this straight.
You think we should let Carrie pick out his own clothes?
Sure, why not?
What's the harm if he's mismatched if he likes it?
But if that's not a happy solution for you, Carla, then another way to let him
feel a sense of some control over his life is to pick two or three outfits
and give him a choice.
I remember when I was a little girl, I always wanted to help my mom in her garden.
I don't think she liked the idea of my trampling through her flower beds,
but she gave me my own little garden near hers.
She even bought me my own plants and let me dig up the ground.
I felt so proud.
That's a great story and a real illustration not only of the concept of
giving the child some sense of control, but also of making her feel useful.
Little kids often have a magnified view of their capabilities.
They want to be just like the adults they're close to, and they really want to help.
Making that extra effort to help your child feel useful will really pay off.
He's less likely to get into mischief.
He feels valued and respected by his parent.
And all this has an extremely good effect on his self-confidence and independence.
I've been thinking about what you're saying.
You know, like when I'm washing my car, I spend more time telling J.J. to get out of my way
than it would take to teach him how to help.
And he'd get a really big kick out of that.
But I never really thought about it helping to build his confidence.
Let's get back to the problems you're having with Carrie.
Linda mentioned the importance of a schedule.
It may seem odd to talk about giving children some control
and keeping them on a regular schedule at the same time,
but the two have a lot in common.
Some control is important to small children because it gives them a sense of predictability.
Schedule, or a consistent routine, is comfortable for the same reason.
Yeah, well, I have a schedule, sort of.
What do you mean by sort of?
Well, bedtime's at 8 o'clock, but if I go to night classes, I let them stay up later,
which is maybe two nights a week.
He naps at about 2, but sometimes I have to go to the grocery store,
so I let him come along to take a ride in the cart.
But if he gets fussy, I make him take a nap later.
But that sort of messes up dinner, so I try to get him to go ahead and stay up.
Carla, it doesn't sound like you have a regular schedule at all.
It sounds like you have a schedule, but it's not applied very consistently.
I hear all that same stuff from Jenny all the time.
I mean, she doesn't want me coming around when J.J.'s taking a nap.
But what about spontaneity?
Most parents have to make a choice between total spontaneity and the consistency of a routine.
But believe me, with small children, life runs much more smoothly with a regular schedule.
And you really ought to put yourself in Jenny's place.
Sure, he does great on an outing with you, even if he is off schedule,
but that's because of all the stimulation and the excitement of being with Daddy.
But she's the one who has to get him back into the groove when he gets home.
Don't all you ladies start picking on me now?
But Liz, when you're trying to do it all, there just isn't time to always be consistent.
If I have Amy on a schedule, then I have to be on a schedule that matches hers.
And I've got too much to do, what with the cooking and the cleaning and the laundry and all the shopping.
And, you know, I wanted to start a part-time telephone sales job at home.
So why not just let her eat or sleep whenever she acts like she's ready?
It's true that to keep a child on schedule, the whole household really needs to be on a schedule.
Of course, no schedule can realistically be carved in stone.
Every parent needs some flexibility.
But when changes in routine are more the rule than the exception,
it's tough to keep small kids on an even keel.
Yeah, but wouldn't it be a lot of work trying to get a child used to a schedule?
It may be more of an inconvenience at first, but after it's well established,
it'll pay dividends and extra time for you and an increased harmony between you and your child.
So remember the importance of routine and predictability to children's lives.
A schedule that's consistent will create extra time for the parent,
greater security for the child, and increased harmony for you both.
A sense of some degree of choice or control over his life will give the child a sense of predictability,
enhance a sense of usefulness, and build feelings of competence, self-confidence, and independence.
It means so much to me that you came.
Look, I'm not too happy about being here, and don't expect me to come again.
I just came this once to make you happy.
Don't rule out coming again. You might actually change your mind about this.
I see.
Hi. Jeff, this is Jim Austin. This is my husband, Jeff.
Jeff, nice to meet you. Hey, you guys have a really cute kid.
I saw her in the nursery with my boy.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Jim comes every week.
Hey.
Hi.
Hey, it's really great that you came.
I mean, my mom laughed when I asked her to come here.
She thinks she could teach us a thing or two.
I think you're doing a pretty good job yourself, Kara.
Come on.
Hi, everybody. Ready to get started?
Yeah. Liz, this is my husband, Jeff. This is Liz Dodson.
It's good to have you, Jeff.
Well, thanks. Look, I'm not sure what this is or what you do.
My mom thinks it's some kind of psychologist or some kind of shrink we're all coming to see.
Well, I'm not a shrink, although sometimes I think I need one.
We're friends. We're a support group. Everybody needs a support system.
A support group is where people get the positive human feedback they need to thrive.
We all need nurturing and support from other human beings.
But what's that got to do with parenting?
Parents probably need a strong support system more than anyone.
No matter what anyone has said to you about all the responsibility of parenthood,
it's still shell shock when you have a baby.
The realization of the enormity of the physical and psychological responsibility you've undertaken
can be a tremendous adjustment, especially for young mothers.
The very best support group can be your immediate family,
but parenting small children can create a great deal of stress on family relationships,
and a lot of people need outside help.
We come together to talk about our problems as parents
and to seek ways to improve our family interactions.
I came here to learn to be a better mother, but it's more than that.
I want to make some basic changes in how we as a family can relate to each other.
And I think when you're trying to make changes in your behavior,
it's a lot easier if you have support and reinforcement from outside the family.
You're right about the responsibility of a child.
I mean, it's like 24 hours a day for 18 years, almost like a prison sentence.
Coming here helps me to deal with it and get confidence that I can do it.
One thing coming to these sessions has done for me
is helped me to walk a mile in Jenny's shoes.
I mean, I didn't really feel what you all were talking about.
I mean, I could drop J.J. off and then leave.
I mean, it scared me to know that I had that financial obligation
to provide for him until he was 18,
but I didn't have that 24-hour-a-day obligation, that feeling.
Getting in touch with that has really helped Jenny and I.
I think she really understands now that I'm trying to see how she feels.
That's one of the things I feel,
like I can never get a break from baby care or I'll never have a chance to finish school.
I get really scared sometimes, like I'm in it alone.
But I know Jeff works hard.
It just seems like it's different trying to be a mother than a father.
Ideally, parenthood should be a partnership,
but like many ideals, it can be easier said than done.
First of all, we assume that babies will bring parents closer together,
but the opposite can happen.
The father may resent the attention that the mother pays the child,
and the mother may resent that the father doesn't take an active
and supportive role in the responsibility for the child.
Mothers and fathers need to accept that the child is their joint responsibility
and work to help each other deal with the frustrations of parenthood.
A new mother often worries about the child to the point of overprotectiveness
and may feel the father isn't careful enough with the child.
A new father, on the other hand, may feel the mother tries to overcontrol
and dictate his parenting style.
Mothers and fathers frequently don't parent in the same way.
They need to accept their differences and give each other support,
emotionally and physically.
The problem is, it seems like Jenny and I disagree on just about everything
where JJ is concerned.
We're going to have disagreements on how to deal with kids.
Let's look at some basic principles to remember when these conflicts arise.
Discuss your differences out of the presence of the children.
Try to see the other parent's viewpoint.
Compromise and come up with a united front.
Never put yourself, your spouse, or your children down.
Words can create a lasting impression on children.
Don't expect children to solve adult problems or take responsibility for them.
Never use them as a lever in an argument with your maid.
Never undermine the child's relationship with or respect for the other parent.
Let your child see you deal with the inevitable conflicts that arise in a family,
but strive to teach him through your actions how to express feelings in a healthy manner
and how to resolve differences in a constructive way.
At least that's one problem I don't have.
As a single parent, I think the biggest challenge is to feel good about yourself.
Feeling good about yourself is the most important part of being a good parent,
whether you're married, divorced, or single, male or female.
In other words, parents whose own emotional needs are met are best able to meet their kids' needs.
Where does the development of self-esteem really begin?
Self-esteem begins in the home.
Good communication is an essential element to a healthy, happy family.
A family atmosphere of clear and direct communication
where family members aren't afraid to express their feelings is important.
I know Amy and Jeff need a lot of positive feedback,
but how can I give that to them when I don't always feel so good about myself?
Even though we adults need nurturing just as much as our children,
we may for a variety of reasons, like being alone, having troubled relationships,
not communicating our own needs effectively,
not be able to get that nurturing from other adults at certain points in our lives.
Perhaps we didn't grow up in environments conducive to the development of good self-esteem,
so we have some work to do on self-nurturing.
But remember, self-esteem begins from the inside out.
We must learn to take care of ourselves and learn to love and respect ourselves.
You all may think it sounds silly, but self-talk has helped me a lot.
Linda, get a grip.
They say that when you start talking to yourself, you're about to lose it.
But seriously, what do you mean when you say self-talk?
Well, all my life I just tried to please everybody else.
And I think girls especially are raised to be people pleasers.
You know what I mean?
You know, when you're old enough to start having boyfriends and then a husband,
how happy you feel seems to depend on how happy the man in your life is feeling.
It's crazy.
After a lot of pain, I finally figured out that my source of approval has to come from within
and not without.
So every time I have a negative thought about myself, I replace it with a positive one.
To develop or regain self-esteem, you must take good care of yourselves.
And if you need help in doing that, seek counseling.
Please remember, parents have rights too.
Hey, this is the part I want to hear.
Well, let's talk about parents' rights.
Even though being a parent is probably the most important commitment you'll ever make,
you still have a right to live a life that's fulfilling to you as an adult.
What do you mean?
A life with choices, the chance to develop a career if you want,
and the opportunity to follow your own interests.
That's one reason why ideally it's smart to finish your education before becoming parents.
Many of you didn't do that, but there are still ways for you to move in that direction.
Like Sandy, for instance, I know you're very disappointed at having had to quit school,
but you can still finish school even if you just go part-time.
It may take a while, but you can do it.
I'd love to see you do that, Sandy.
You're so smart, you could even take your GED and maybe take some college courses.
I didn't think you'd feel like that.
But I don't know what I'd do with Amy if I tried to go back to school part-time.
That's another parental right, to have some time away from your child.
Never having a break from early child care can make anyone a poor parent.
There are inexpensive daycare options or drop-off babysitting services in almost every community.
Check with your YWCA or other community organizations.
Talk with friends.
Another option is to trade off child care time with other parents.
Agree to keep each other's children several hours a week.
The break will refresh you and your child.
It's so hard for me to relate to Sandy becoming so frustrated with Amy
because she mother-hens her to the point that I feel kind of like excess baggage around there.
I never thought she wanted me really involved with Amy.
I don't feel there's any real time for us anymore.
That's not an uncommon feeling, Jeff.
Parents have a right to spend quality time with their spouse, lover, or other significant person in their life.
Parents need time to rediscover each other as friends and lovers.
Not only do the adults need it, but the child benefits.
There's no greater contribution you can make to your child's long-term happiness
than to forge a good relationship with his parent.
I'm not so sure we can do that on our own.
Conflicts always seem to get in the way.
Every couple goes through difficult times in a relationship.
Early marriage and parenthood create extra stress on a relationship.
Counseling can really help.
It's something almost all couples need at some time or another.
It's not something to be ashamed of or afraid of.
It's your right to get help you need in improving your understanding and acceptance of each other.
I'd say it's all over when you get that far.
Not at all.
Many couples have been able to improve their communication
and make the relationship work much better through counseling.
A good counselor is able to facilitate more constructive communication
because he or she isn't steeped in the emotional turmoil of the relationship.
Liz, the more I learn, the more I feel like I make more mistakes every day.
And that, Carla, is also your right as a parent.
We're all imperfect people.
We all get furious with our children at times.
We have our bad days and our bad moods.
You're a good and loving mother, Carla, and you're working to be an even better one.
Carrie knows you love him.
Be proud of all the good things you've done as a parent
and of your courage to forge ahead even though you're going to make mistakes.
Let's summarize the idea of parents' rights.
You have a right to have the choice to pursue a career besides parenthood
and to develop your interests as an individual.
You have a right to have time away from your child.
A break refreshes you and your child.
You have a right to spend some time and energy on the important adult relationships in your life.
It'll help you and the child because you'll be happier.
You have a right to get help, whether that comes through your family and friends,
a support group, or counseling.
You have a right to make mistakes.
There are no perfect parents.
Okay, Amy.
You know, I don't always let you know about the little things I appreciate that you do.
Oh, really? Like what?
Well, like the way you try to get the things I like to go in my lunchbox
and all the work you did on the apartment.
And I finally realize how hard it's been on you taking care of Amy
and being cut off from everything else in your life.
I'm so glad you went to that parenting session.
It really meant a lot.
So, what'd you think of Liz?
She was okay. Yeah, the people were real nice, too.
Did she ever go back?
Yeah, maybe. It wasn't too bad.
It helped me understand some of the things you've been going through.
Yeah, I learned a lot about you, too.
You know, we grew up with this crazy idea of what life and love are supposed to be like.
Being married and having a baby
doesn't all fall perfectly into place like some romance novel, does it?
No.
It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You know, if I had it to do all over again, I would've waited.
Waited until I was older and out of school.
What about you?
Yeah, me too.
But now that we're together and we have Amy, I want to try to work things out.
Yeah, I know there's got to be changes, especially in me and how I feel about myself.
And I know it's not going to happen overnight.
But I promised Amy I was going to try to learn to be a good mom.
I want to learn to be a good father and husband.
But I can't always be what you want.
I know. So when things come up and we know they will,
why can't we just try to communicate for a change instead of always reacting?
Why can't we listen to each other?
I want so much for Amy to grow up in a good home.
So do I. I just don't know if we can do it.
We're going to need help.
I know.
Does that mean you're going to go to counseling with me?
I'll try.
That's all I'm asking.
I did promise Amy I was going to try to be a good mom.
I'm going to keep that promise.
Come on, Amy. Let's go.
I'm going to keep that promise.