Hello!
How you doin'?
It's Wild and Haynes again.
I'm Sean Haynes.
And I'm Robert Wilde.
But you might remember us as...
The Tall Dorky Guy.
And the dude with the big nose.
Profile!
Ahhhhh!
Don't scare me.
Sorry.
We're here to say thank you for buying our videotape.
Sucker.
No, he's just kidding.
This is the first time we've ever had a video tape.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
He's just kidding.
This video is actually the five year effort to bring you, our adoring fans, the utmost
in audiovisual products.
In other words...
Suckers!
Yeah.
But we know you'll enjoy it.
And here to say a word about our show is Waldo the Dog.
Take it away, Waldo.
Duh.
Hello, everybody.
I'm Waldo.
Where's Waldo?
I'm right here.
Duh!
Anyway, I'm your freaky little friend.
And, duh.
I just wanted to say.
working with Wilde and Haynes. I love those guys. Every performance is an absolute pisser,
if you know what I mean. Anyway, just wanted to make a little appearance on the video here.
Say, it's a pleasure coming into your home. You better cover your furniture. See ya.
That's enough Waldo, thank you. Anyway, the video, it's great. You're gonna love it. But we have to
tell you that watching it is going to kind of give away a few of our little secrets.
That's true. Because we practice audience manipulation. But don't be sad, because think
about this. Out of the 1,300 people that saw the show with you, only 25 know the truth. What do
you mean, 25? Yeah, 25. What do you mean? 25 people bought the video. They know the truth.
25 people bought this video? I don't know. I'm making this up as I go along. Excellent! Cool!
Good one. So in the meantime, look, if you want to be on our mailing list, all you got to do is
call the number on your screen. Right here. Right there. That's right. Leave your address,
and then we'll know where you live. So when we come to your town, we'll come and sleep over
at your house. Slumber party! Anyway, enjoy the video. We love you guys. Thanks for laughing.
Thank you very much. We'll see you. Bye!
Oh, come on, people! How about another hand for the Wave Review Singers and Dancers? Give it up
for them. They're working their butts off for you. They're showing their butts off for you,
yeah. Folks, it's great to be here. We are Wild and Haines. I'm Sean Haines. And I'm Robert Wild.
It's great to be cruising with you. We'd like to start our show by just hopping down here and
getting the feel of the crowd. That's what we like to do. Just come down here and get the feel of
the crowd. Oh, lady, you feel good. Whoa, he looks pissed. Oh, sorry. Oh, anybody here from out of
town? Thought we'd check. Oh, you guys, you probably noticed our ship has been rocking a
little bit today. Oh, boy. And I got to tell you, that bothered some people, but you guys seem to
be doing great. And the captain has actually done a wonderful job of circumnavigating the really
rough water out there. And the whole experience kind of inspired us to sing an old sea song. An
old sea shanty, if you will. It goes something like this. Just sit right back and you'll hear a
tale, a tale of a fateful trip that started from Miami that day on a Royal Caribbean ship. We headed
down Caribbean Wave with waves as big as a truck. There were barf bags in the stairwells. Our
vacation started to suck. The weather started getting rough. The giant vessel was lost. If not
for the courage of Captain Stanglin, our cookies would be tossed. Our cookies would be tossed. Hey!
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Nothing like a little vomit humor to start the show. Yeah. Oh,
but you guys, you got nothing to worry about. We have a wonderful captain. Ever since he got off
the Exxon Valdez, no problem with this guy, man. He's the best. We might want to move over this way
a little bit. Oh, in fact, the captain has a great sense of humor because if he didn't and we made
jokes like that, there are two guys named Uli and Sven. They take you down to deck one and schlabbing
nabbing into Volkswagen, yeah. Das ist nicht mein Lillehammer. Woo! With the hemoglobin. Yeah. But
you know, if you're feeling a little queasy, best thing to do, go down to your cabin. Lie down on
your bed. Watch a movie. They have the Poseidon adventure on all week, so that's kind of good.
Enjoy. There's got to be a morning after. Oh. And you know, another good thing to do, take a couple
of drinks because if you notice, the sober people are walking around like this. And the really drunk
people are walking like this. So that works good. Oh. You know, folks, we spend a lot of time in
Los Angeles because of our careers. Anybody here from Los Angeles? Any LA people? Couple? One or
two people. Cool. LA is so beautiful during the ceasefire. You really should visit, you know. It's a good
time. Good time to come to OJ World, yeah. Actually, we met, we were both going to Catholic school in
Malibu, California. St. Dude's. On the beach. Bless me, Father, for I am bogus. Yes. Actually, I hated
Catholic school, though. Oh, man, you hated it. Oh, because I'm Jewish, so hey, you know. Sister
Goldberg was a bitch, let me tell you. Oh, you know Sister Goldberg. It's terrible. And we had some
really weird Hollywood type jobs, too, before we got into the comedy. I was actually a Chippendales
dancer for a while. Exotic dancer right here, yeah. Got a little tired of seeing the ladies squint all
the time, so I got into the comedy and I feel much better about myself now. They're slowly getting it
in the back there. The ripple effect. And believe it or not, I was in an all Jewish hard rock group. All
Jewish hard rock group. Guns and noses. Maybe you heard of us. Welcome to the Bar Mitzvah. They were good.
Oh, but we started off doing a comedy juggling show and we love the juggling, but we love the
comedy, too, because if we can come out here and do our little act for you and in doing so make just
one person laugh, then we suck really bad. Yeah. So we're going to try to get everybody into it. In fact, we're going to show you how we
got started in the fast-paced world of comedy and juggling. It was about ten years ago. We didn't have
a lot of money, so we bought ourselves a set of juggling clubs. Juggling clubs like these right here. We decided to put a little act
together. We went down to the beach and we just tried to collect money from people passing by.
Give me your money, mister. See, that didn't always work though. No problem. He doesn't have any money. Look at that
tux, boys. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. That didn't always work because what we soon found out was what the
people wanted to see was something with a little bit more skill involved. Something a little bit more dangerous. Something a little
bit more like this. Let's go with the cash. Come on, dude. Start digging. Let's do it here. Hold on. Just stay still, sir. We're kind of
having a little hair problem here. Kind of having a no hair day. Yeah. Chachachachee-a. Don't hurt us. Just water it and it will
grow. Folks, these are razor sharp machetes. We don't play with toys. Forged in the jungles of New Jersey. We're going to juggle
them for you right now. Yes, we are. Let's do it. Here we go. Oh yeah. Yeah. You guys came early and got good seats, huh? Oh, I
shouldn't have taken that NyQuil. Look at all the pretty colors. Whoa. I'm freaking out. You ready? I'm going to go up here, I think.
You want to go up here? Yeah. Here we go. Over here, man. Ready. And up, down. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, both of you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Hold on. Save it up. Save it up. We have a week finish. Yes, we do. Folks, we're going to start off here by
showing you a demonstration of behind the back juggling. Behind the back juggling. Ready? Ready. Hup. Hup. Share the fantasy.
Behind the back, the real way. The real way. Ready? Now I notice a few children here. Hold on. We want to warn the kids. We want to
warn all the children. Do not try this kind of thing at home. Go over to a friend's house. Much safer. Mommy gets mad. Wild's pretty
good at this. Wait. Now he's going to try the same trick without the tongue sticking out. Shut up. There you go. Much harder there. Shut up.
It's much harder. Seriously. Hey, folks. Hold on. Hold on. Almost dropped one. Oh, good. No one noticed. Thank you. Folks, really good
jugglers can actually turn while they're juggling. They face each other. And then they throw the objects back and forth between them.
Two. Three. Those guys are good. Saw them on the Tonight Show. They were amazing. They were killer.
Hey, there we go. Thank you.
Bet you didn't see that in the movie, babe. Little farfag noog in there. Sorry. Never underestimate the power of soup, boy. I'll tell you.
Fire in the hole. Shut up. Now that we got that flattest humor over with, had to get it out of the way, Mr. Wild is going to show you a rather
unique and interesting trick with these machetes right now. Yes. They're great. Go for it. You got it. You got it. You got it. I'm sorry.
This always reminds me of a giant grandmother going to a formal dance. Mad cow disease right there. That's it.
I'm going to show you a trick I'm working on. What I'm going to do, I'm going to start juggling the knives and I'm going to throw one of them
high up in the air and catch it again, not using my hand, but using only my mouth. Now amongst jugglers, this trick is known as the knife
mouth catch. Amongst jugglers who have attempted it and failed, it is known as oh, oh, good. You people are sick. I like that. That's good.
I'm Jewish. Very good. Just seeing if you're awake. Hold on. It takes longer, but we'll get through it here in just a second.
Be true to your school. Here I go. Don't do it. Okay. Thank you. I am Fabio.
I can't believe it's not butter. Oh, folks, in our never ending quest to bring you new and unusual forms of entertainment, we'd like you to meet somebody special here.
All right. You got it. Yes. Okay. This is Waldo. Waldo loves to entertain. Sometimes he gets a little bit nervous. Sorry about that.
Oh, bad doggy. Bad doggy. Sorry. Come here. Bad doggy. Well, now that we have your attention, we'd like to talk to you about Amway products. All right.
Attention, please. Your attention, please. This is the captain speaking. While I'm up here on the bridge right now, and you'd never guess it, but I'm not wearing any pants.
Yes, sometimes I like to get naked, drink the aquavelva, and do the Michael Jackson dance.
Well, I got some good news and some bad news for you. The bad news is we'll be missing the port of Labadee tomorrow due to inclement weather.
The good news is we'll be arriving next Friday on the big island of Hawaii. Thank you for your attention.
Oh, you guys, you know, we're going to be around the ship all week long. Where else are we going to be? What do you mean?
Yeah, we're leaving later. We have a little dinghy. We're going to speak for yourself.
Actually, what we're trying to say, though, we're going to be around the ship all week. We'd like to meet everybody if we could.
So we're going to give you kind of a word association game so you can always tell which one is wild and which one is haine.
It's really very simple and very easy to remember. Yes, it is. I'm wild like the wind and I'm haines.
Thank you. Actually, those are our stage names, however, our real names are Beavis and Bonafuco. Yeah, there you go. You were close.
Actually, we were talking about the captain and speaking of guys with little or no authority who look good in uniform.
How about your cruise director, Kyle? Isn't he cool? He's kind of like our own little Wayne Newton on Slim Fast, isn't he?
Life is a Cabaret, old chum. Excellent.
We love Kyle, but he uses so much hairspray backstage, flies are stuck in midair.
Help me. Help me. Oh, but he's great. Out of all the cruise directors we've worked with, Kyle is the most recent, really.
He really is and we really respect him for that.
You know, we were talking about the boat movement and, you know, not really a problem this week. Nothing beats the problems of this Carnival cruise ship.
You guys hear about this ship about three months ago. A Carnival ship stuck in the water for three days.
They had no power for three days and they're stuck out there. They had no air conditioning for three days.
No hot food for three days. No toilets for three days. No toilets for three days. Wow.
I'd like to see Kathie Lee Gifford walk around now like her ship don't stink. You know what I mean?
If they could see me now.
Oh, but you guys are a lot of fun and, in fact, you're so much fun, I think we should come out here and see you all a little bit closer up.
Yeah. Can we turn up our house lights so we can get a good look at you?
Oh, turn them back down. Oh, leave them up. You guys look good. We'll come out here.
How you doing? Farber Bush, you look good, honey. You lost a bunch of weight there. You look good, too.
Man, oh man, how are you? Sir, what's your name? That's the right answer. Come with me.
This will be fun. This will be cool. Sir, what's your name? Come with me. All right.
Oh, okay. Where are you from?
Massachusetts. Boston. Oh, we got two. Boston and Massachusetts.
They're both from Boston. All right. Two Massachusetts.
Right up here. Oh, check it out. Jim Baker, out of jail, out on bail. Looking good.
Come over here. You guys come stand over here. Right over here in the center.
Okay, great. Yeah, you stand right here and you stand shoulder to shoulder just like that. Great, guys. Perfect.
We're going to try something a little bit different now. It's going to be a lot of fun.
We're going to try to juggle around your bodies. Okay? All right. Tuck it in, Rambo. Okay?
Oh, sorry. Just stay right there, guys. Little buffet belly. That's okay. You're on vacation.
Guys, you saw these before. They're juggling clubs. They're made of plastic.
Even if we bopped you, it wouldn't hurt too bad. But for legal reasons, we need your permission.
Yes, we do. Is that all right if we juggle around you? That's okay. Great. Is that all right with you, sir?
Yes. Great. We picked the right guys. Terrific. Cool, man. Yeah.
They said yes. They said yes. Yeah. They said yes.
We're going to use these torches. And these machetes. A new trick we're working on. Yeah.
No, no, no, no, no. Get over here. You're cool with this?
Hey, man, look. The white guy's doing it. Get over here, man.
Spoken like a true Jew. I know. I'm sorry. Stop it. Sorry, man. Sorry about that.
I had to play the race card, man. I'm sorry. Yes, you did, evidently.
We are the Rainbow Coalition. We're going to get through this, okay?
Nothing to worry about. Gentlemen, you've actually won a wonderful prize just for coming up here.
That's right. You both win pictures of people from last week's cruise.
The Graysons from Denver. The Ingles from Miami. There you go.
Stay here. Hey, don't laugh, people. We're going to be using your pictures next week, all right?
We already got some of you. Okay, don't get a paper cut. There we go.
Now, we need to borrow a cigarette lighter if anybody has a lighter handy.
Anybody? A lighter just to light these torches. Seriously.
Anybody have a lighter we can use? If you got one, we need it quickly.
Yeah, toss it up. We'll catch it. We're jugglers. We're jugglers. Go ahead. Toss it up.
Thank you. Needs butane. Where to go, man? That's...
Anybody else with a lighter we can borrow. You got that? We got it.
Get out from under grandma's shirt there. Thank you very much, sir.
Anybody have a wallet now? A wallet. Toss it up.
I'm sorry, what was your name again? Paul and Patrice.
Paul and Patrice. Okay, gentlemen, you're going to be able to tell that these torches are real.
That's fire on the end. But these are also real machetes.
And I'm going to prove that to you with a small demonstration.
Check it out. This carrot will represent part of my body.
Now, what I'm going to do is...
Oh, great one.
That was very funny. Very funny.
Well, well, well, Patrice made it funny.
I bet Patrice is feeling pretty good about himself right about now.
Do you feel good, Patrice? You should be scared shipless.
Shipless there. Patrice, can I have Mr. Big Cat? Thank you.
I want my mom. Okay. I'm going to show you what I was going to show you before.
Stop it. Don't go there. Don't go there. Don't go there.
There you go. Souvenir, buddy. There you go. Stop it.
Don't play with it. You go blind, all right?
Don't poke me, man. Stop it. He started it.
Settle. I like you, Jim Baker.
Shall we? I'm going to cut the carrot now. How about that?
La la la la la. Cut the carrot. Woo woo.
Crack another weenie joke now, Mr. Funny Man.
You're so funny. You're so funny. Thank you for participating.
All right. We need one of you guys to light these torches up for us, if you would.
He's done enough. Okay, you do this.
You're very good. Okay, hold on. You might want to stand back a little bit there.
Make some big fireball. They make a big fireball.
Go, Jim Baker. You're going to burn in hell.
I think you need to do it the other way. Yeah, there you go. There you go.
Childproof. Hold on. I might have a little gizmo on it.
We might have broken this lighter. Does anybody have another lighter that works?
Yeah. Seriously, anybody have a lighter? Come on, you guys.
Thank you. They're throwing them. Okay, great. Thank you very much.
Actually, you do that, and then you hold these.
Perfect. That's good. Here we go.
Extend your shoulder. Hold them in one hand. Put your head back.
Yeah, right back. We don't want you to...
Wait until we get out of here. Hold on.
Don't worry. They don't explode. Just light them up.
They don't explode.
Sorry. Hold me. I'll be your cammy.
Okay, we'll be right here with you guys.
Somebody went wee-wee. Oh, good. I'm so glad this one doesn't work.
Let's just do this. Okay, there we go.
That's good. Hold one in one hand and two in the other hand.
Yeah, there you go. One in one hand, two in the other. Come over here for a second.
Hold them up in the air. Careful.
Think about what you're doing here. Concentrate.
Juggle, man. Go, dude. Go.
No, no, no, no. That's a big lawsuit.
I'll take them. Over here, guys.
There we go. Perfect. Perfect.
Okay, guys, just stand still. We're going to do this now.
Yes, we are.
Sir, you see the way he has his hands? You might want to do that too, okay?
Hey, we don't want to have a weenie roast. No.
I'm just kidding. Great balls of fire. Let's go.
Set up. You're killing me.
You ready? Here we go. Let's do it.
If you get scared, just close your eyes.
That's what we do. It works when we do it.
Mr. Music. All right, let's go.
Here we go. Ready. Up. Wait, wait.
Let me take this side. You want this side? Yeah.
I want you, Carrot Man. You're mine.
Here we go. Let's go. Ready. Up. Down.
They're right behind you, too, guys. Don't move back.
All right. Careful.
That's good. That's great, guys.
You guys are doing good.
Okay, careful. Remember, guys, we're scared, too.
Okay. You're doing really good.
You're doing good. Okay.
Closer and closer. Right now.
Okay. That's great, guys.
Take a bow.
Eight, nine, ten. Up, up, up.
Hey.
Whoa.
Salving some skin. Thank you very much.
Great job. Great job.
Give it up for them, folks. Let's hear it for the guys.
Have a seat.
Killer. Oh, my gosh.
Folks, I just want to tell you thank you so much.
Come here. We just want to say thank you for coming to the show.
We had a...
Had a...
Too many Marlboro's, dude. There we go.
Folks, we want to tell you, you guys were wonderful.
Thank you so much for coming out and laughing with us tonight.
You know what? We're going to be back a little later in the week.
We have our own show coming up.
Late Night Comedy Show on Thursday night.
Right here in this room at 12.15.
We want you all to come. Totally different show.
Thursday night. It's going to be wild and haines.
It's going to be fun.
Please, come and make it.
We hope you can be there. Oh, wait. Oh, thank you.
Before we go, though, we'd like to show you something very quick.
This is something that no other juggling team does.
It's quick, but it's amazing.
Check it out.
I'm going to show you a little something now with three 16-pound bowling balls.
Three 16-pounders with a combined weight?
A combined weight of...
Like 128 pounds or something. It's a shipload.
A lot.
He'll throw me the third bowling ball on the count of three, and then no!
Whoa!
Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are Wild and Haines.
Thank you all. Good night.
Ladies and gentlemen, Wild and Haines.
Thank you.
We'll see you on Thursday.
Yeah!
The Dangerous Comedy of Wild and Haines.
The Dangerous Comedy of Wild and Haines.
We're too sexy for this ship.
Too sexy for this ship.
Too sexy, oh, never mind.
Oh, forget it.
Hey, how y'all doing?
How y'all doing?
All right.
Good to see you.
Oh, folks, thank you for staying up late with Wild and Haines.
Did you go to the buffet?
Did you take pictures of the food?
A pickle with a hat on it.
Yeah!
It's cool.
Tonight it's all desserts and cheese.
Desserts and cheese.
Captain Stangland's commemorative colon clogger.
Yummy.
But don't worry.
We'll get you out of here in time for the buffet.
And we also want to say, those of you in second seating
who go to this midnight buffet,
you're a pig.
You really are.
But that's okay.
You're on vacation.
Oh, man.
There are so many things you're going to remember about your wonderful vacation.
All the activities on board,
our favorite being karaoke.
Now, you guys know what karaoke is.
You've been doing it all week. You read off the screen.
You sing along to the music.
We get to watch you guys entertain.
Oh, what fun that is.
It really is. We were over there the other night
and there was a young man singing.
And first I got to tell you, one of the prerequisites of karaoke,
you really got to know how to read pretty good.
It helps to be hooked on phonics.
It really does.
This guy, I'm telling you the truth,
was singing a very patriotic Bruce Springsteen song.
He was going,
Born in the USA.
What's up with that?
Here he is, right in the front row.
Hey, I knew it. He's a man.
Oh, and we know, of course,
you'll always remember the crazy casino of doom in there.
That's right, you guys.
If you've been losing money in that casino,
you only got a couple nights to get back at these guys,
we got a great way to do it.
This works good. What you do is you go over to the craps table
and when they hand you all the dice to choose from,
just take a whole handful of them,
throw them across the table and yell,
Yahtzee!
They love that.
Or go over to the roulette wheel and ask to buy a vowel.
Really piss them off.
It works good.
Oh.
And we know you'll always remember your wonderful cruise director, Kyle,
or as we like to call him, Mr. Perfect.
Yeah.
Don't you love the way he walks around in his tight cruise director pants,
his tight cruise director butt sticking out?
Yeah.
Man, he could pick up a toothpick with that thing.
Yeah.
And he often does.
Yes, he does.
Black Attack O'Neill.
He's cool.
We're fired. That's all right.
Oh. And we know you always remember the ports of call,
starting with Labadee.
Anybody go snorkeling?
A few snorkelers here? Yeah.
Snorkeling is a great way to get the water directly into your lungs.
If you haven't tried it, it works really good.
We are out there. We love snorkeling.
We are out there snorkeling around.
And I'm going to tell him anyway.
We were snorkeling around underwater there and Wilde didn't realize it,
but he was swimming behind a very large,
large gentleman in a black bathing suit.
Oh, I thought it was a cave.
Not good.
We made up. Everything is cool now.
We're friends.
We're buddies.
Oh. At one point I surface and I'm looking around
and I don't see Wilde anywhere,
but I notice people are running out of the water.
People are running off the beach. I hear,
Shark! Shark! I look over. Wilde is floating on his back.
His nose is sticking out of the water.
It was scary.
Hey.
And then there was incredible Jamaica.
So many things to do in Jamaica.
We got our armpits braided. It was great.
Yeah. Makes a great sound when you do the funky chicken, man.
It's cool.
Oh, actually we got a radiogram from Ocho Rios
two hours after we left port yesterday.
They had a 7.2 earthquake.
It caused $280 worth of improvements.
So, you know, it's okay.
My cabin steward is going to kill me.
My cabin steward this morning knocks on my door at 8 o'clock.
He's like,
Hey, you know what?
My cabin steward this morning knocks on my door at 8 o'clock.
8 o'clock in the morning. I've got to come in and clean up.
I let him in.
He took a shower and left. It was really weird.
I didn't know what to do.
It was kind of freaky.
Oh, man.
I tell you, and I'm sure you'll always remember
your accommodations.
That crazy cabin toilet could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
Oh, man. Nuclear powered.
They should have put one of those toilets in space
instead of that Hubble telescope.
Could have saved us $50 billion. Can you imagine this?
Mission control. Vector 7.
Coordinate supply.
Could you bring Jupiter a little closer, Bob?
Uh, 10-4, buddy.
Whoa!
Just suck the planets right to ya!
Oh, man.
I got a moon up my nose.
I ought to be careful there.
Oh, and of course the technology on board.
Man, those talking elevators are incredible.
You know, they get a little testy late in the week.
I got in one this morning.
It said, deck 2.
Take the stairs, fat ass.
Kind of freaked me out a little bit.
Health club. Get out here.
Oh, it happened to you too.
It happens, man.
Oh, and then of course your wonderful captain, Captain Stengland.
You know, we finally figured out why
he makes so many announcements over the PA system
and why he talks for so long.
It's because when he was a little kid,
his mom had an intercom
that went into his bedroom,
and in the morning she would wake him up...
Your attention, please. Your attention, please.
Good morning, little Stengie.
This is the mama.
Well, looks like it's going to be a beautiful day
here in Yabba Dabba Dooseldorf.
I am currently pouring the milk on your comrade crunchies.
If you are not in attendance presently,
I expect cereal conditions to become soggy.
It's almost time for the breakfast drill,
so when you hear the seven short and one long blast,
please disregard it.
That's just your father.
He's got the farfugnugan again.
Oh, you guys are good.
And how about the service on board?
Have they taken good care of you?
Number one in the fleet, right here.
Number one ship in the fleet, right here.
In fact, a true story.
I called the purser's desk the other night.
I told them I got a leak in my sink.
They said, go ahead.
Hey, you're on vacation.
Do whatever you want.
Have fun, man.
Oh.
Gosh, we want to take a moment
to say congratulations to all the newlyweds on board
and all the anniversary couples.
Give yourselves a hand.
We know a lot of you here.
Wild and I believe very strongly
in the institution of marriage.
In fact, Wild and I are married.
No, not to each other.
No, no, no.
To two other guys. They're here tonight.
Stand up, you guys.
Folks, we'd like to show you something now
that you don't see every day on a cruise ship.
That's right. Ladies and gentlemen,
this is a six-foot unicycle.
Yes, it is.
Just thought you might want to see that.
Get it out of here.
We're going to come down here and see you.
Can we get a little volunteer finding music?
BELLS RINGING
That's perfectly appropriate.
Sir, we need your help for one second.
You'll be in and out of there.
Sir, will you help me out?
Come on over here.
Great, guys. Just come over here towards the center.
Your name is? Bruce.
Bruce and? Phil.
You're going to help me get on this thing, all right?
Yes, indeed.
I need you to both hold on here really tight.
Both hands. Alternate your hands.
Every other.
All the way up there.
Actually, let me turn the thing around here.
The seat's backwards. That would hurt.
A unicycle.
Hold on tight, guys.
Actually, if you could put your foot in front of the tire,
just like that, put your foot behind the tire then.
There you go. Hold on really tight, guys.
You're going to hold my full weight.
Flex those buns of steel.
Hold on tight.
Keep your head turned this way, sir, okay?
Oh, don't fart, man.
Okay.
Mwah.
Ch-ch-ch-chee-yah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay, great. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no, no.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay, give me your hand there, sir.
Okay, great.
Let me just steady. Let go of the unicycle.
Let go of the unicycle. Okay.
Houston, we have a problem.
Oh, great, dude. Get a picture.
Thank you.
Let me get your hand, sir.
Okay. Okay.
Watch your feet. Watch your feet.
Careful with the sandals there, homie.
Oh, it must be disco night again.
Okay, I'm going to let go of you.
Don't leave me, man. Don't leave me.
Thank you, sir.
Move to your left a little bit.
To your left. Okay, good.
Just give me your hand. Now, walk backwards
slowly. Let me get the feel of this thing.
Now, don't pull me, man.
No, no, no.
Watch out, watch out.
Dude. Watch out. Okay.
How about a hand for our
volunteers? Give it up for them.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Oh, wow.
Boy. Look,
no hands.
That was a good trick. Okay, man, let's do this quick.
Okay, great. I'm going to hand him
the machetes now.
What?
He's going to whoosh on by in here. Grab the
knives here. I'll just hand them to you. Okay, just pull them out there real far.
You got it. Oh, man, if I die, you can
have my wife.
I already did. Okay, he's going to come on by.
Whoa.
It's a joke.
It's a joke. Water under the bridge.
Long time ago. Let's do this. Okay.
Sorry. Come on, buddy.
Come on.
Here we go.
Careful.
Take the bomb. Good deal.
The other end, man.
Bad juggler.
Come on, dude. We got this covered.
Careful. Alright, one at a time.
You got it.
Careful.
I am your father, Luke.
Yeah, that's cute.
Take two.
Careful.
There we go.
Folks, if you got a camera, get it out now.
On the count of three, actually take the picture.
Seriously, anybody with a camera will give you a second
to get them out. On the count of three,
take the picture, alright? On the count of three.
Here we go.
One, two, three.
That's it.
Okay.
That was a real Prozac moment, wasn't it?
I think I'm blinded.
He's gonna be juggling little red dots now.
Folks, it's almost impossible to juggle up there.
This won't last long.
Let's hear it for him.
Oh!
And now, the incredible dismount.
The incredible dismount.
Folks, you're gonna be juggling little red dots now.
You're gonna be juggling little red dots now.
Whoa!
Thank you!
Mr. Robert Wilde
in his unicycle of death.
Oh, folks,
people are always asking us,
what do you guys do when you're not on the cruise ship?
Folks, we do a lot of benefits.
In 1995, we did a special benefit
for the survivors of a benefit we did in 94.
And that worked out pretty good.
But we also wanted to let you know
Wilde and I happen to be two of the world's
fastest jugglers.
We're in the Guinness Book in 1993.
We'll show you exactly what we mean right now.
In fact, we juggle these clubs so fast,
if you listen, you can actually
hear the sound they make as they pass
through the air. Breaking the sound barrier.
You gotta listen. It's kinda subtle. Check it out.
Whoosh.
Whoosh.
Whee!
They're buying it.
No, they're not.
Folks, we're gonna show you some of the cool maneuvers we've developed.
First, a trick we've been working on a long time.
This first one is kind of a visual trick.
We hope you like it.
We call it the ooh.
Ready? And, hup.
Ooh.
I kinda missed mine.
That was the ooh.
We have a better trick though.
This one's kinda dangerous, however.
We call this one the whoa.
Careful. Hup.
Whoa.
I like the ooh better myself.
I don't know, I kinda like the whoa.
Careful. Reversing is good.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa multiples. Whoa.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa.
Uh, right now we're juggling
six clubs.
Using only five.
There's a space here, you might have noticed.
Now I've got the space over here.
Now it's back over here.
Okay.
Now the physics lesson is over.
Whenever this happens, the guy who messes up
has to pick up the club while
he's juggling and throw it back to me.
What?
Wild's gonna grab it. I don't like the way you worded that.
He's gonna grab it and throw it right back into the juggling pattern.
All without stopping.
Left hand.
Here we go.
Hold on.
It's rolling now. The captain's pissed off.
He's rocking the boat. Oh no.
He's up there drinking that aquavelva again.
Come on. You can do it.
Got it. That was clever.
Where'd it go? It went into the
vortex, I think.
Yeah, go ahead. Throw it right back into the juggling
pattern, sir. Thank you.
What a big help.
Okay, Wild's gonna grab it.
Okay, slow down a little bit, alright?
Seriously, slow down.
You can do it. Slow down. I will.
You can do it.
No, I can't. Yes, you can.
Left hand, double spin.
You're all over the place, man.
Feel the power.
You're throwing it right at my head when I go to get it.
You read Dianetics. Come on.
Unlock the giant within you.
Shut up, man. Let me do this.
Elrond Hubbard. Focus.
Juggle for Jesus.
Shut up!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Let's do it. I'm trying to do it.
Come on. Oh my God, look.
It's on your side. Go ahead.
I'm gonna kill you.
Go ahead.
Pick it up, man.
Come on, dude. Juggle for Jesus.
Omne, domine.
The new Tony principal.
Tammy Fay. I'm sorry.
That was for you, Jim Baker.
Okay, I'm gonna grab it. Here we go.
Slow it down a little bit. See, it's not easy, is it?
Slow it down, man. Yelling at me the whole time.
Get the club. Get the club.
Mr. Negative, that was my joke.
Hup, hup, hup. There we go.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, folks.
Don't applaud. I could have done that.
You guys, we're gonna try to juggle seven clubs now.
Since we're doing so well with six, we'll try seven.
Wild over there is gonna go into juggling
four clubs all by himself.
And then Haynes is gonna run to the box,
grab another club, and then we'll go into seven
all without stopping. Yes, we will.
We gotta do it fast, because our arms are getting tired.
Yes, they are. Ready? Ready.
Hup.
Hurry up, man.
I'm coming. Hurry up.
Turn the music off. Thank you.
I really was coming. Here we go. Ready?
Let's do it. Hup, hup.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
That's it, folks.
Hold on.
Keep them coming.
Keep them coming.
Hey!
Thank you.
Oh, boy. That was good.
Quick little drink.
Mmm.
Folks...
Thank you very much.
What were...
We used to juggle chainsaws, actually.
We lost some fingers. See?
Laughter
Applause
Applause
Applause
Applause
Applause
Applause
I don't believe you. Oh, my God.
Your turn.
Laughter
Oh, my goodness.
Nothing. Nothing at all.
You're a bad little juggler.
Oh, folks.
You guys are great. You know, um...
I think we gotta come down here
and see y'all again. You wanna?
Let's come down again. Okay.
Come in here. Y'all look good.
We always get you guys on formula. Actually, come over here for a second.
This guy's waving over here.
No, right here. Right here. Right here. Come here.
Where you going?
Hold on, hold on, hold on. Excuse me, excuse me.
Come here.
Laughter
Laughter
Laughter
Laughter
Ship-shaped dollar.
Laughter
Laughter
Laughter
Laughter
What the hell was that all about?
Oh, my gosh.
Did you see something good over here?
Oh, that was nasty.
Like floor cleaner or something.
Oh, this is good. Right here.
For our next trick, we need a volunteer.
Laughter
Oh, look. Here comes a little boy now.
Laughter
Make a wish.
Hey, stand right here.
Laughter
Are you all right?
Relax, man. Relax.
What's your name? Tony. Where are you from?
Connecticut. Tony from Connecticut.
How about a hand for Tony?
Take a bow, Tony. They love you.
Laughter
Oh, Tony from Connecticut
was having a little nap over there, I think.
Laughter
Sorry to wake you, man. We're going to give young Tony here
from Connecticut a chance to win a valuable prize.
Tony, all you got to do to win the prize
is try to balance this apple
on top of your head while we count to three.
If you can do that, you just might win
the entire Return of the Jedi
space action figure toy set.
Right on, right on, right on.
Look how happy he is.
Look.
It's howdy doody time.
It's howdy doody time.
Hacuna Matata.
Everybody, while the kids
trying to do this, please, no loud
noises. We want them to win, you guys.
No farfing noogling. Alright. Keep it down.
We're all rooting for you, man.
Just stay still. Keep your hands at your side.
Tuck in the buffet, Billy. There you go.
Don't laugh. Don't laugh.
Little slippery here. Hold on. Make a little nest.
Little mucus.
Stick it right on there.
Here we go. Now just stay still.
Don't move, buddy. It'll fall off. Don't move.
Ready? Get it right on the point.
Ready? And...
One.
It's going to fall off on you.
Oh, Tony.
Oh, Tony.
Don't be so sad.
Tony,
we're just messing with you. Actually,
we want you to do something else. Will you help us out with something else?
You will? Great.
Come stand over here.
Feet together. Hands at your side.
Relax, man. You're all tense. You're all tense.
Relax, Tony. Relax. Look up in the air.
Light out. There we go.
Don't get whiplash. Don't bang your head.
Right there. Stay right there.
Hey, this is going to be better than Disney World for the young man.
He's about to see juggling
in a whole new way.
It's going to be really cool. Okay, Tony,
I'm juggling over your body.
I'll be using one of these
raw eggs. Only one.
To make it a little bit more exciting,
I'll also be juggling these, the real ones.
The real ones. These two
16-pound bowling balls.
Two 16-pounders
with a... Where are you going, man?
Light out. Where are you going?
I don't drop it. I swear to God.
Little Tony had to go
poo-poo, I think, but he's okay now.
He's cool.
No problem. He already went
poo-poo. That's okay.
Thank you. You alright?
Put your hands on your chest like a dead boy, okay? Very good.
Mr. Negative.
Oh my gosh.
Don't worry, man. There's absolutely nothing
to worry about. I've actually done this trick
twice. It's going to work this time.
There's a feeling tonight. The kid will be
fine when this is over. He might have a little twitch.
Other than that, should be good.
I can't juggle the egg and the bowling balls for very
long. When I start to juggle,
please immediate applause.
Sorry. Sorry.
Where are you going, man? Tony.
Tony. Tony.
Tony, we're kidding. Come here.
Tony!
Yo! We're kidding. Come here.
What was that? I'll give you that for.
Tony!
Come here. We'll pay you. Come on, dad.
We'll give you a dollar.
Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.
We need this kid. Come here, man.
Hold on. We've got a lot of kids
volunteering here.
Little boogie howser. Okay, guys. Thanks a lot.
We're working on...
$5. You'll do it? You're going to do it?
We'll pay you $5. Tony!
Is that cool with you? No, we need this kid.
I'm not going to drop it on you. I actually stand way back.
You guys don't too. Nothing to worry about.
Does anybody
have $5 we can borrow?
Hey, if we don't get it to you
this cruise, we'll get it to you next cruise.
No, no, no. Hold on.
Come here. Great. Leave me out here
with little Damien.
He's doing a great job, isn't he?
He's great.
It's great. We will get you the money
right after the show, I think. Let's go wild.
Let's do this. Hold on. We got it.
Go ahead. Lie down. We've got $5 for you.
Lie down. Here you go.
I'll hold it for you in case you don't make it though.
Give me that. You never know
what could happen here. I'm going to hold it for him.
Wild's going to lie down on the dangerous side.
Oh, is he? Okay, I'll lie down with the kid
just in case. We'll do this together
as a team. Here, scoot over this way a little bit
there, buddy. Okay, perfect. Here we go.
Okay, don't move at all. Folks, on the count of three
all three objects up in the air.
That was a joke.
Hey, man. That's not funny, guy.
You can do that with
the kid down there, not me.
I don't play that way. Hey, buddy,
do me a favor. Just slide over this way, okay?
There we go.
That works so much better, don't you think?
Yeah.
I'm going to stand back a little bit farther.
Yes! Oh, what a cute
little fart. Yeah.
Where's mom and dad?
We're taking your kid on the road. Wave bye-bye.
Wave bye-bye. Get over here.
No, just stay right there, man. Don't move.
You moved enough.
I peed in my pants.
That's okay. That depends, but I got it
covered here. Oh, my gosh.
Let's do this, man. Funny, man.
Ready? Here we go.
One, two,
three.
Yeah, incredible. It's amazing.
It's stupid.
Do it for real. Do it for real. One, two,
three. Okay, folks. Applaud
quickly. Can't do it long.
Just keep it. Get it away from me.
Oh, okay.
That's enough.
Get up, kid. Get up. Come on.
Okay, right there. Don't move. Here we go.
Nice and easy. Ready on this one? Okay.
Up. Over. There you go.
Oh, gross.
Oh, gross.
Don't look. Don't look.
You don't want to see this, dude.
Icky. Icky caca. Oh, that is
so gross. Oh,
give me a kiss, baby. I think I love you.
Kiss me.
Tony, you were great. Give the kid the money.
Come on over here. Take a bow.
Tony!
Oh!
Tony!
Oh, my God.
Wait a minute.
Tony, come back for a second.
Come here, Tony. Give it up for Tony
for stealing the show, the little bastard.
Come here.
Hurry up, man. Hurry up.
Oh, my gosh. Tony, we want
to thank you very much. We also,
because you were so great, we also want to give you a
copy of the Wild and Haines videotape.
That's right. The only thing is, it's
going to cost you $5.
Where'd it go?
You already dumped it off. It's gone.
All right. Thank you very much, Tony.
Let's hear it for Tony!
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my God.
Oh, that hurts in a way.
That's so good.
Whoo!
It was great. Wonderful week.
We're going to leave you with something a little bit
different for us now, kind of a departure.
Something with a little bit more culture,
a little bit more class, you might say.
You might say.
Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to present to you
the Apple Dance. Mr. Music,
if you would.
This is so stupid.
This is so stupid.
Nine years of high school for this.
Yes.
Wow.
Here we go.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are Wild and Hangs.
Thank you all.
Ladies and gentlemen, Wild and Hangs.
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Wild and Hangs.
Let them hear it.
You know you enjoyed it. Give it up.
Give it up for Wild and Hangs.
All right, guys, keep that going.
You know you love them. You want to see them one more time.
Come on out, guys.
Give it up for Wild and Hangs.
Let them hear it, guys.
Thank you.
Wild and Hangs. Thank you very much.
Thanks, guys.
Thank you.
Thank you.