In volume three, Tom talks about how self-esteem is a system that attempts to measure your
value as a person or your self-worth. Here's Tom.
Who's the most important person that you talk to? Yourself. You think it makes sense to
tell yourself what you mean? Yes. Make sense to tell yourself what you don't mean? No.
Make sense to mean what you don't tell yourself. Think about it.
This next session we're going to cover, self-esteem is pretty complicated. So just kind of let
it flow and let me kind of paint the images in your brain as we go through the pages.
But it's very important that you have a detailed step-by-step understanding as to how every
horse in the world uses or mostly misuses the system of self-esteem. Not only to understand
why you react so severely to things, but to have an excellent understanding as to why
every other horse in the world reacts so severely to things. Now unfortunately, to get you a
detailed understanding requires me to be somewhat didactic for a while. Big word.
Tell your horse that didactiness is only going to last for a little while. But try to remember
this forever. All self-esteem is, is a measurement. It's your horse's attempt to measure your
value as a person, your worth-while-ness as a person. And everybody out there talks about
it like that. They'll say, oh, so-and-so's got a very high sense of self-esteem. So-and-so's
got a very low. Somebody feels real? Good about themselves. Somebody feels real? See?
What is it? It's just a, feeling! Who said feeling back here? Point to them! That's more
to West Coast crap. Have you ever heard anybody say, I feel very angry? Heard them say that?
Yeah. Ever heard anybody say, I feel very sad? Yeah. Have you ever heard anybody say,
I feel very self-esteem? Nobody talks that way! It is not a feeling that is one of the
biggest misnomers around. It is a measurement. The horse always looks at two variables to
decide how much you're worth on. Variable one, looks at how much incoming demonstrations
of love, approval, and respectful treatment you get in from the other human beings in
your life. Variable two, it looks at how much competency behavior you put out. What it does,
it looks out there and it gets what you think your normative peer group is. It establishes
in your mind what you think that group's normative performance is on all the different behavioral
variables that are out there. And then it tries to compare how well you perform against
your group's standard norms. But if you look at the figure on page five, I get to page
five. It's at the bottom. Let's just pretend that that figure is the room we're in. Not
exactly the right shape, but it's close enough. Now right there in the middle of the room,
let's say oh, four feet below the ceiling. Just imagine there's the big pulley attached
to that wall. Another big pulley attached to that wall over there. All right, big fat
wire cable, but this fat is strung tightly between those two pulleys. Just like the old
fashion clothes line. Just divides the room into two parts. Now as you see here, I've
identified for you which part of the room is which part of the room. So from the clothes
line right up there, this side of the room, the part that I'm under, this side is the
people side. All right, now the backside over there, that's the doing side. Now some people
call your doing side your behavior and trait side. But don't worry, that's already printed
on the page for you. I already took that note. All right, flip over to the next page. Next
page you see I've added five little strands of wire on each side of the room. Visualize
those little wires running across the room up here at the same height as the clothes
line, but these are single strands of wire. Each one of these little wires about the size
of a pipe cleaner. Each one of the little wires on this side of the room symbolize a
person in your life somewhere. Each one of the wires on the backside of the room symbolize
a behavior or a trait that you do. All right, flip to the next page. Page seven. See at
the top of the page, that line there is near the top. Pretend that's a wire I've pulled
out of the room. Look on the right hand side of the wire. See that funny little thing there?
It's a miniaturized beer keg. It's got a hole drilled right through the middle. The wire
is threaded through that hole so that keg can slide up and down in the room. Everybody
see how that would work? Okay? If you look at the bottom of this page, see I've added
one last set of variables there. I put numbers across the top and the bottom of this room.
So this wall way over there symbolizes what number? Come on the rest of you. What is it?
How about all? In the middle? 50. It's just a gauge now. All right. We're going to show
you how to do people wires. We're going to pick your person A right down here on page
seven. See wire A, I've lettered the people wires and I've numbered the behavior and trait
wires. All right? Most people reserve wire A in their room for their significant other.
You know, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, wife? So right now, write the first name of
your significant other on the little line outside of letter A. Now if you don't got
one in your life right now and your horse got you embarrassed about it, make one. All
right. Now I'm going to show you how to do people kegs. We're going to do your person
A. Ask yourself this question. How much do you think your person A, whoever that is,
how much do you think that person usually generally, typically on the average, how much
do you think that person cares about you? So you're going to look inside person A's
body. You're going to make an educated guess as to about how much caring is in them pointed
in your direction. Now don't do it based upon how much person A demonstrates that they care
because a whole bunch of you wrote down males names there, right? Right? Hey guys, we're
males, right? Oh, come on. Right? We were not brought, we were not brought to know how
to, we know how to care. We're those, we know how to care. We just don't know how to show
it or demonstrate it. But that don't mean we don't care about you. Right guys? Right.
So get an idea. How much do you think we actually care about you? You know, like if you died,
would we notice? So if you think, oh, person A loves my butt a lot, where did you draw
on the keg? 100 or at least high in the? 90s. 90s. If you think, wow, you know, what's this?
Come on, this is international for what number? 50. If you think they hate your guts? Now
don't get compulsive about this. Look at this like it's a barometer. Zero over there means
you don't think they care at all. 100 means you think they care as much as they can care.
Force yourself to make a decision and draw a stupid little keg on wire A somewhere indicates
your best guess as to how much you think that person cares about you. And after you got
that keg drawn in, if you're a female sitting next to a male, check them. Check them! And
if they didn't draw their keg in yet, what do you do to them? Hit them. Right. Hit them.
The LGR one in just to get you to quit hitting them. For some reason, the male horses make
them feel stupid about drawing in these little kegs. All right. Now we're going to pick person
B. Person B will become symbolic in about five minutes. I want you to think of all the
friends you got, same sex as you. Come on, get all friends you got, same sex as you,
and put them over here in a pile. All right, then get them in a group. All right, now reach
in there and pull out your best, best same sex friend. You got him? Okay, right there,
first name it wire B. Got it? B, best friend. And then repeat the same question for that
person. If you had to guess, how much does your best buddy care about you? Drawing a
keg. Now just for the P word, you know the P word? Practice. Practice. Pick three more
people from your life. I don't care where you get them from. They could be all your
kids, brothers and sisters, parents, good friends of yours. It doesn't matter. Any three
more people put their first names at C, D, and E. And then repeat the same question for
whoever person C turns out to be. If you had to guess, how much does person C care about
you? Drawing a keg. Now a couple years ago I was over in Sydney, one of the people right
here in the program that said to me, Tom, can I use my dog? I said, William, if you
ran out of people that fast, sure, use your dog. Why? We're just doing this for what?
Practice. Learn how this part of the system works. Don't get compulsive about this stuff.
We're just making quick, educated guesses. Drawing a keg. All right, now we're going
to do the behaviors and trait ones. There are the numbered ones there. I want you to
think of what we call characteristics or traits that human beings believe that it's important
that human beings have them and that they exhibit them. And name me one of those out
loud. Go. Loving. Okay. We're going to write the same ones down at the same number. So
write loving or if you like caring, better do. At number one line, write loving or caring.
Somebody said compassionate back here? You? All right. Number two, compassionate. Give
me another one. Honest. Okay. Make number three honest. Give me another one. Dependable.
Okay. Number four, dependable. I'll make up number five so we can have a different type.
Number five, write down humor as in sense of humor. Now if we miss the number, yell
it out and tell you what it is. Three. What was three? Honest. Any other numbers you're
missing? Okay. The first four variables you picked, you can do this first way I'm going
to show you. You always try to measure how well you do something this first way. The
first way is called the hundred times way. Here in my arms are a hundred times in the
past where you thought it was reasonable. We'll do compassionate first. Reasonable for you
to have behaved in a compassionate fashion. Can you see them there? Say yes. All right.
Now ask yourself, out of these hundred times in the past where I thought it was reasonable
for me to have behaved in a compassionate way, if I had to guess about how many times
out of those hundred did you behave in a compassionate way? Now that number that just popped in your
brain would tell you where to draw in your compassionate cake. Now the reason we do it
this hundred times way is there's many times, especially in business, when you're behaving
well in some other area of your life, that doing so will force you to not behave so well
in some other area. Like let's say you had to fire somebody. Well that ain't the most
compassionate thing in the world to have to do, but because you're behaving well in some
other area, we can't count the time you had to fire somebody and how many times? A hundred.
Because it has to be what? Reasonable. Who defines reasonable? I do. Who defines reasonable?
Who defines compassionate? I do. Right. So whatever that number is, draw that at number
two. Compassionate, draw your cake in for about, remember don't get compulsive about
this. Quick guess. All right. What was number one? Loving or caring. Loving or caring. Okay
come on, do it the same way. Here's a hundred times in the past where you thought it was
reasonable, for you to have behaved in a loving or caring way. Out of those hundred you asked
about how many times, remember who defines what you think loving is? I do. You do. Okay.
Don't let the other person decide. You decide. You can do variables one, two, three, and
four, it's a hundred times way. So quickly do one, two, three, and four. Don't try to
do sense of humor this way, it don't make sense. I'll show you how to do sense of humor
in about five or ten seconds. Okay now anytime you run into a trait or characteristic that
does not seem to make sense to you do it this hundred times way, you always do it the other
way. Now don't get nervous about the other way big word. The other way big word is percentile
rank score. But just to remember what that was, let's all go back to third grade. Third
grade we started taking the Iowa tests. We got scores back on the math and English and
the yadda yadda. Let's suppose this one of me got a 95 on the math. What that means is
she and I are rated better at math than 95% of all the other third graders in the country.
But there are 5% of the kids in the third grade who are better at math than she and
I are. That's a percentile rank score. So let me walk you through your sense of humor
one. Get in your mind your social peer group. All those people you go out to play with,
get that whole group in your head. Now establish in your head what you think that group's normative
level of sense of humor is as a group. And call that normative level a 50. Okay here's
the 50. Now you're going to ask yourself, where do you think your sense of humor butts
up against your group's norm? Think a little bit above? 61. Little bit below? 42. Think
you're a stone? But go ahead, do your sense of humor one now based on the percentile rank
score way. Now some people in your life are more important to you than others, right?
Right? And some behaviors and traits that are more important to you in your life than other
behaviors and traits. And the way we indicate that factor and keep track of it is by shading
in the little keg. So if we jump over to page 9A, you'll see there the artist, go ahead,
get to page 9A. The artist is drawn in various shading levels there. Now right now you redraw
in your person A where it usually goes. Where do you think you're, that's it, you have to
look it up. Go ahead and look it up. Alright, come on. But draw in person A's keg where
you have it. We got it down here for a different reason. Lower. But draw yours in. Now the
one we've got drawn in here, look at the shading factor. How fully shaded in is person A's
keg? Fully. Now remember, shading into the keg by you equals the word importance in your
life. So if you've shaded in somebody's keg fully, obviously that means you think that's
a very important person in your life. Now person B here, the artist screwed up. Now
should the artist have screwed up? Yes. Why? Because they did. They drew person B way too
low, only shaded him half. This would hopefully not be your best buddy. Person C might be
more like your best buddy. Person C what, 75 and about three-quarters shaded? And person
D, we would call person D a touch. Person D might be somebody down the hall at work
that you maybe know their first name. You know, they're not totally unimportant in your
life, but they're not that important either. So they just get a little bit of shading.
Everybody see how the shading factor works? Okay. Still on this page. At what people would
call the bottom of the clothesline, the thing in the middle. At about the 85 or the 90-ish
mark. You see that funny little thing hanging down there off the bottom of the clothesline?
Alright, that's a hook. That hook's welded to the clothesline. Remember, this clothesline's
on pulley so this hook can up and down in the room real quick. Follow the end of the
hook. See that little round circle stuck around the end of the hook? That little round circle
is the most important symbolic entity in your life. That little round circle is what your
horse calls your self. When the horse using the reference words, I, me, myself, or sometimes
when the horse mad at you, it's a you. Whenever the horse is referring to this whole entity
called you as a total human being, it's talking about that little circle thing that's stuck
on the hook. Now of course, where somebody's hook goes in the room answers a very important
question, doesn't it? Like this person here, where they've got their hook drawn in. What's
that mean they think about themselves? Earth to audience, earth to, what number's it drawn
in at? 85 or 90. What do you think that means they think about themselves? Yeah, their stuff
don't stink, baby. Somebody's hook's at 50, that means they think what? They're okay,
nothing special, nothing bad. And if somebody's hook's at zero, how do a person decide where
their hook goes? Pretty important question, isn't it? Who do it for you? Who's this?
Horse. And horse been doing it for you since it was a pony. Now I know little horses are
not called ponies, it's just fun to call them ponies. And remember this. You remember this,
horse part elephant and part jack. You don't have to whisper, part elephant and part jack.
Not rabbit, rabbit. Very stubborn and don't forget, easy. But how does a horse adjust
your hook position on a moment to moment basis? That's basically how we live our lives, right
Anna? Moment to moment basis. Well to get the exact equation every single horse in the
world uses, flash peak at the equation at the top of page 10, which is the next page,
and then immediately come back to page 9A. Top of page 10 it says TV plus DT equals what
letter? D. Get back to page 9A. Now, top of page 9A, about what number did you redraw
in your person A's keg? Probably somewhere in the 90s somewhere? So what we say, 90 something?
Right. Let's suppose, 90 something. Let's suppose your person A getting to being upset
with you and they demonstrate it to your face big time. What's going to happen to person
A's keg? It's going to go down. Where did we draw person A's keg on this page for you
in there? About what number? 45. See it there, 45. You just lost 40 some odd points of your
value just because person A's horse told them a bunch of lies. And your horse didn't think
too brightly either. But we'll show you what happens. Whenever some tough event come up
in your face, like person A getting to being upset with you, the very first thing every
human horse in the world do is this. Now for those of you in the back, I do have a slight
crack in my hands that allows me to see the one thing that's smack dab in the middle of
my face. Now what are these? They're not blinders. What are these? They're not hands. I said
the horse do this. What are these? Hoves. Right. They're hoves. They're hoves functioning as
blinders. Now what stupid thinking style initials TV and it's not television does this force
me to engage in? Tunnel vision. Let's get an idea how stupid tunnel vision is. Remember
what's the horse trying to measure here? This little thing stuck on a hook called your self.
Remember the esteem part is the number your horse give you. The esteem is the measurement,
but it's trying to measure this entity called your self. Remember there's two basic components
of you as a human being. One, incoming demonstrations of love, approval, and respectful treatment
you get in from the other human beings in your life. Variable two, amount of competency
behavior you put out. So let's get an idea of the number of different variables inside
of you as a total human being. Let's do the people ones first. I want you to think of
the number of people you've known from a little bit known to kind of well known to pretty
well known to extremely well known. Very, very good friends, immediate family members,
yadda, yadda, yadda, centurial boy. Come on, kid you went to kindergarten, first grade,
second grade, third grade, high school, college, you went to college, business acquaintances,
friends of the family, neighbors, extended family, yadda, yadda, yadda. What's that number?
Give me a general number. That's a specific number. I want a general number. Lots. Right,
who said lots back there? I can't come back there but give me five anyhow. Right. Now
lots of people. Where are all those lots of people? Where are all those lots of people?
Yeah, so where they should be. Give me five. Don't they have to be where they should be?
But where do we have all those lots of people? Each one of those people is a people while
you're in your room. So how many people wires in your room really? Lots of them. Now I'm
going to tell you from psychologists who study it how many different behavior and trick wires
they think exist on the backside of your room over there. They guess it to be about five
hundred thousand. So look up there. I said look up there. Lot of wires in a human being's
room. And when the horse is doing this to you, out of all those hundreds of thousands
of variables, how many are letting you look at? One. What's this a picture of? Tunnel
vision. Now to get a picture picture of tunnel vision, jump to page ten. Top of page ten,
how many people wires you see drawn in that room? One. Who is it? Person A. How many people
wires are missing? Lots of them are missing. How many behavior and trick wires you see
drawn in this room? None. How many missing about? Five hundred thousand. What are you
looking there? Picture of? Picture of? Now if you're taking a semester long course for
me, I give everybody one test, you get a forty five on it. What's your average? Come on,
that's not a hard question. Forty five. So if person A's cake goes to forty five here,
that's the only variable your horse is letting you look at to measure your entire self on.
Where is that hooky going? Forty five. That's how math works. Where's your hook on this
page? Forty five. Again, you just lost forty some odd points of your value just because
person A's horse told him a bunch of lies. And your horse didn't think too brightly either.
Now jump to page eleven. A little bit lower in that page is a big word, start with D.
What's it? Pronounce it. Dichotomous. But we don't like big words, so dichotomous means
all are? Oh come on, the answers are printed for you on that second line right there. Come
on. All are? Nothing. Black are? Right are? Nothing in the? Middle are gray. All horses
in the world are incredibly competent at these two stupid thinking styles. So now if your
horse adds in dichotomous thinking on top of tunnel vision, can person A's cake stop
at forty five? No, because dichotomous thinking says what? Either it has to be way up where
it usually is, or all the way down at zero, and it ain't where it usually is, so it must
be at zero. And if person A's cake goes to zero, that's the only variable your horse
letting you look at to measure your entire self on, then where's Al Huckey going? Zero.
Where's Al Huckey on page eleven? Zero. What you're looking at is a literal translation
of the routine your horse runs on you with you being put down. And that's exactly the
routine it runs. Now we're going to try to demonstrate this to your? Right are. But before
we do a demonstration, we better do a nose check. Feel your nose. Straight? Right, now
feel the noses on both sides of you. Right, now why are we doing a nose check? Because
it's going to get what? No! I'm trying to warn you. I'm going to get a little intense
and emotional. I'm trying to warn you so your horse won't get. Now the last time I did this,
I picked on a male. So you're safe big guy. We'll pick on you today. We'll make you be
a female. Your significant male getting to be upset with you. Tells you they don't ever
want to see your face again. Sounds like he means it. Well what's the very first thing
her horse do? How many variables she looking at? What's the name of it? No, tunnel vision
is the name of the thinking style her horse is doing to her. What's the one variable tunnel
vision lets her look at? Person A. How do we say person A for her shorthand? Him. Screens
out all of the other big number of people in her life. Screens out all of her 500,000
traits and behaviors and only lets her look at him. What's this a picture of? Tunnel vision.
And then the horse add in dichotomous thinking. And they say listen honey, either we care
about you at his usual level or he don't care about you at? Awe. And listen dear, do
we have a little bit of information that right now he don't be cared at his usual level?
So we must conclude from her horse's point of view that his current caring level is at?
Zero. And how many variables is gorgeous female looking at to measure her entire being on?
One. And what's the numeric rating of that one by her horse? Zero. So what's her horse's
perceived value as a person? Zero. It's a literal translation of the routine your horse
runs on you with you being put. And that's exactly the routine it runs isn't it? See
I look around the room as I'm doing this explanation. See how many of you are getting it? I still
only see that one blank face I've seen back there all day long. You know that one blank
face back there going oh no what the heck is Tom talking about now? But the rest of
your faces are looking like. Wham. Now that he explains it that way. What? Yeah. My horse
runs that routine on me. A lot. Now the emotion I just described with her is the emotion every
human being refers to as hurt. Hurts when your horse turns you into a? Zero. Because
somebody else out there don't be demonstrating enough incoming love, approval, or respectful
treatment of you. That's hurt. Now I'm not going to go into quite the depth and detail
I did with her on hurt with the other five power emotions that horses love to drag people
through life with. But they're caused by the same general system, the system of self-esteem,
and the same two stupid thinking styles. First one is time, which second one is die. Kind
of thinking. The next nasty emotion horses love to give people their entire lifetime
is inadequacy or inferiority. Who's telling you to be turned into pages? Did anybody be
telling you to turn into pages? No. You stay on these pages. Is inadequacy or inferiority.
That's when your horse go whoosh. But it don't look at a people wire, it looks at a? It looks
at a behavior trait wire. In other words, it tell you you're screwed and it turns you
into a? Zero. So the results are the same. You're a? Zero. The difference now when you
hear people out there talk about the emotions of hurt versus inadequacy or inferiority.
The only difference between those two emotions is how your horse turns you into a? Zero.
Remember hurt always comes from what type of wire? People wire. Nice try. People wire.
Necessity always comes from a? Behavior trait wire. And the next one is depression. Now
your horse got you depressed on occasion, hasn't it? To get depressed your horse have
to say, listen honey, not only do we have to currently admit you're a zero, but face
the fact now dear, you're always going to remain a zero. Now who in their right mind
would want to live the rest of their life knowing they got to be a zero? That's when
people seriously start thinking about checking out of this place. That's exactly the thought
patterns that cause the hopelessness and the helplessness of depression. And the next one's
anxiety. Anxiety your horse say, listen big guy, you are not a zero. Yet. But soon you're
going to be. And what are the two possible sources of his horse turning him to zero?
Horse saying what? Soon somebody out there ain't going to be demonstrating enough incoming
love approval or respectful treatment or soon he's going to be screwing with something and
he's going to be a zero. So anxiety is always out into the future. So say it, going to be.
I said say it, going to be a zero. And the last one's the one you used to think your
mother caused you to have start with G. Guilt. Right. Now you know the only entity on earth
ever made you feel guilty is who? Who? Your horse. Now your mother helped. She made the
sandwiches. Your horse ate them. You can teach your horse to stop eating your mother's guilt
filled sandwiches, you know. In segment two, Tom discusses how males seem to instantaneously
translate all emotions into one powerful but still negative emotion, anger. And if you've
noticed in the last minute and a half that many, many, many of the females in the room
who've been having to sit right next to a male have been having to sneak these quick
little glances at his face. Because many of the males in the room right now got this compelling
quizzical look on their face. Let me see if I can explain that quizzical look to the rest
of you. That male horse be sitting there going, um, what the heck is he talking about? Um,
with these wimpy emotions. I don't ever get none of those wimpy emotions he just covered.
I'm a male! I mean when? I've never felt hurt, inadequate, depressed, anxious, guilty. Me?
A male? Feel those wimpy emotions? I've never had none of those wimpy emotions. I just get
the male emotion baby. Yeah baby I just get the male emotion. Yeah I just get, I just get
angry baby. Yeah baby. Anger, male, anger, male. Yeah baby I just get, anger baby. Yeah
baby. I told you you're like the one that's always angry. I told you you're like the one
that's always angry. Yeah baby. I told you you're like the ones I did to him in the afternoon.
Now if you like that one, you will absolutely love this next one. Next one starts like this
in case you want to tell it to him. It starts like this. You ever been in at least a reasonably
serious relationship with a male? Yeah I know. A lot of people don't really think that's
possible. Can I change it? Okay listen, have you ever been in what you thought was a reasonably
serious relationship with a male? Okay. And you've had the unmitigating gall to suggest
that he, I mean he, consider changing one of his established behavior patterns? If you
don't know what you're supposed to get when you ask a male to change one of his behavior
patterns, let me show you. As soon as you ask a male to change one of his behavior patterns,
let me show you. As soon as you ask a male to change one of his behavior patterns, you're
supposed to get this. Listen, witch! Sounds like witch. Hey baby, this is just the way
I am. Hey baby, ain't nothing I can do about the way I am. So listen baby, just get your
to this. Because this is just the way I am. Hey baby, ain't nothing I can do about the
way I am. So listen baby, just get used to this. Because this is what you get. Now, you
don't like this, then there's the door. Make up your mind right now. Make up your mind
right now, witch. Either shut your damn face for the rest of your life, put up with this,
or get the heck out of the relationship right now, baby! And after you're out the door,
you turn around how many times? Once. And the reason you turn around is to see if he's
backed down, because they all will almost always back down if you got enough guts to
walk out the door. And if, when you've turned around, they haven't backed down, then you
keep on walking. And later, you send them a note. And in the note, you tell them to
come and see me, because I will fix his ass for you. Try to remember this. Anger is just
a peacock. What do peacocks do? Strut. What we call a display emotion. Anger is just what
we consider a very unimportant secondary emotion. So from now on, you see anybody angry with
you. You look right through the anger as if it does not exist, and you look down a little
bit deeper underneath that display of anger. Because underneath the display, the person
underneath is really feeling either hurt or inadequate or depressed or anxious or guilty
guys, whether you knew it or not. Now you're not getting nervous, are you? No. Good. Because
I'm going to cancel it. He's fine. Matter of fact, so is yours. I'm canceling it for
everybody. All your significant others are fine. So don't go home wondering how they
are. They're fine. But I'm going to switch it over and I'm going to have it happen to
your best friend. Person B, what's her first name? Mitzi. Mitzi. Significant male. Get
into being upset with Mitzi. Tell Mitzi don't ever want to see Mitzi's face again. Sounds
like he means it. Well, you know, all horses in the world work the very same way. So what's
the very first thing Mitzi horse do? That type of thing can get Mitzi quite upset, don't
it? And wham it, what's Mitzi always do when she gets herself that upset? Calls you up,
wants to come over your house and witch, right? Shortly into the witching though, Mitzi always
start to what? Mitzi want to start what? And then, and then, and whatever else Mitzi's
horse wants to do. But wham it, don't Mitzi always bring her horse with her? I happen
to be walking outside of her house as Mitzi and her horse are arriving and I give them
both sodium pentothal. And it's working by the time they're sitting across from her kitchen
table and Mitzi the rider is sitting right here. Of course Mitzi's horse is sitting right
next to her. And Mitzi the rider starts, you know, and the rider's fairly factual and Mitzi
the rider say, oh, you know, so and so got very upset with me, told me don't ever want
to see my face again. Sounds like he means it. Then of course Mitzi's horse pipe up,
now what's the function of the horse? Always interpret what things? Me. Come on, louder.
Always interpret what things? Me. So Mitzi horse pipe up and say, oh yes, and you know
what this me? It's about me, don't you? This means I've been turned into an absolutely
worthless, rotten, stinky piece of? Stop. Right. I thought you might slip, but you didn't.
Stuff. And as soon as Mitzi say that to you, you lean across the kitchen table just a little
bit more than you usually do. You look Mitzi right in the face and you say, you know Mitzi,
I have been suspecting that very same thing about you myself recently. But now that I've
heard it out of your horse's face, you out of my house. Don't you ever dream about calling
me on the phone again ever? If I should ever see that face again anywhere on this earth,
this face walking right by that face, just like this. Because I don't associate with
worthless, rotten, stinky pieces of zero like you. Do you say that to Mitzi? Do you even
think that about her? When she's uttering such drivel in your face, what do you start
doing with her? Sympathizing. You have to get done sympathizing. That don't work for
nothing. Then what do you start doing? Arguing with her nicely. You say things like, Mitzi,
I still care about you. Oh, but that don't count for a wham thing, do it Mitzi, because
you're still up. Only who counts? Him. Say it louder, only him counts. Say it one more
time, only him counts. How many times your horse told you that lie? How many hours have
you sat by a phone waiting for him to call you? Those lies ruin people's lives. And don't
you dare pass them on to your daughters. And you go on with so and so and so and so and
so and so. I know those three people, they still care about you. Oh, but that don't count
for anything, do it Mitzi, because you're still up. You know this behavior, this behavior,
this behavior, you do those three behaviors better than anybody I know. That doesn't count
for anything. Don't you make those types of arguments with her? And when you're making
them, don't you mean them? Well, at least don't you mean most of them? Everybody fudges a
little bit under those circumstances. So tell me, why do you think you're so much better
than that best friend, Beat, that's on your paper there? Why do you think you're so much
better than Mitzi? I know what you're sitting there thinking. What the heck is he talking
about? I don't think I'm any better than my best friend. Yes, your horse do. It's called
horse doodoo. Let's see if we can stick it in your horse's face. Let's review what I
just did here. First I had this thing happen to you guys, specifically her, but generally
all of you. Then I quickly canceled it for you guys and I switched it over and I had
it happen to your best friend. In this case her name was Mitzi. So to state it accurately,
I had the same exact event happen to both of you. Except when I had it happen to you,
your horse turned you into a zero in a flash and it never even entered your mind that Mitzi
would have been a zero if the same exact event had happened to her. Somebody's lying to you
because the truth is either you're both rotten worthless stinky pieces of zero or neither
one of you are. Now I want an out loud non-geriatric answer to this question. Which one is the truth?
You know it's late in the program, you need help? Neither one of us are. Let's try it
again. Which one is the truth? Neither one of us are. And which one is the lie? We both
are. And you tell me, which one is the most obnoxious lie on earth? The most obnoxious
lie on earth is when the same exact event happens to both of you. Your turned into a
zero but Mitzi is not. Isn't that the most obnoxious lie on earth? And how many times
does your horse run that lie on you? More times than you even want to begin thinking
about. So turn to page, that sentence at the bottom that we read out loud, read it out
loud again. That event, whatever it was, should have happened and it's about blank percent
bad and I can stand a blank. Alright now right after that last blank you write in Mitzi at
the end of that sentence, you write in your person B's best friend's first name. So from
now on whenever we say that general sentence out loud or make it sp-ific, she and I will
say Mitzi like who means it? And you will say your best friend's name out loud like
who means it. So when we all say it out loud it might sound like, ah Mitzi. Alright come
on the whole sentence out loud let's go. That event, whatever it was, should have happened
and it's about blank percent bad and I can stand a blank Mitzi. Now just in case some
of your writers aren't getting it, I'm going to make it crystal clear to your face. From
now on any negative event jump up in your face before the horse can tell you the big
lie which is you're a? You reach out there with your? You grab the horse by the? Not
neck, throat, rip it down to it's? Take this event that was happening to you, freeze it
and you switch that event over there you see that exact event be happening to your best
friend and at that moment in time you ask yourself this question. From my point of view
looking at this event happening to my best buddy, from my point of view will this event
happening to my best buddy really turn him or her into a rotten worthless stinky piece
of zero will it? No. So it won't turn who into one either. That's what your best friend's
first name means until you die. We're now going to see if you can get your rider mad
enough to use it forever. Think about all the pain in your lifetime your horse has already
been able to cause you to have as a result of it being able to make you feel hurt, inadequate.
Depressed, anxious, guilty and anger that goes along with all that and you get a real
good idea of about how much pain that is and now you face this fact every ounce of that
pain you're thinking about has been caused by a lie and that lie was your horse turning
you into a zero. Now if that don't get your rider mad enough then let's take a look at
the rest of your lifetime laying out in front of you. You probably got some tough events
waiting for you down the road. You get an idea how much more pain is waiting down the
road for you if you don't fix who? Well let's go out after those people that you care a
lot about. How much pain in their lifetimes have their horses been able to cause them
to have as a result of these same lies? Now we're going to go after some you cannot easily
ignore. You get an idea of the ages of your kids right now. You give them normal life
expectancy rates. You figure out about how many more years they got left on this planet.
Now you take a good look at their lifetime laying out in front of them. Looking at the
tough events they're going to have to run into and deal with and you get a real good
idea of how much pain is waiting down the road for your little ones. And now you imagine
the scene. You go home real soon and you start getting this stuff under control real good
yourself. And then you find some ways to start teaching this stuff to your kids. Now they
don't get it real good right away. With a little more help from you, a little more repetition
and coaching. You see them one month from today down the road. But during that month
you see that you've gotten them real good at the system. Now from a month down the road
when they're real good at the system. Now you again take a look at their lifetime laying
out in front of them. Looking at those same tough events they're going to have to run
into and deal with. But you get a real good idea right now how much pain in their lifetime
you will have helped them prevent. You don't ever even want to let me suspect that you
didn't bother to pass this on to them. I didn't come here just after you. I came here to get
you to join the war to stop the lies. I'm sick and tired of seeing the pain and the
poor performance these lies cause on this earth. And after you get done with your horse
you can go out after those precious little horses that you care a lot about. And you
can stop the lies in this country. That's not supposed to happen to me. Now, cause your
kids got a best friend don't they? With a little bit of help from you they can understand
exactly what their best friend's first name means can't they? Thank you. Don't worry
I'll get over it. Flip to page 12. Page 12 is just a big what? Room. How many wires each
side? Look at them how many? Twenty. Without whining rewrite in Person A's name again.
Wire A. Draw the keg in where you think it usually goes. Now we're going to try to add
a little bit bigger layer of sophistication on this model. Remember where we had Person
A get upset with you and the keg went down to 45? Okay there's really two kegs per wire.
The one you're aware of is the general or the average keg. That's the one you just drew
in there. There's really another keg that sleeves over the top of that keg. That one's
called the what's her name? What's her name? No it's that. This is that. That, that, that,
that. It's the dotted keg. Or the specific instance keg. It measures a specific instance
of a person's carrying level fluctuation and a specific instance of a performance fluctuation.
Now remember the story before we did Person A they got upset remember and the keg went
down to 45? Well we're going to now make it the dotted keg. So on page 12 on wire A at
the 45ish mark draw a little dotted keg around the 45. That symbolizes this specific instance
of Person A getting themselves upset. Now tell me almost always after some time goes
by what always happens to the dotted keg. It goes back. Don't say. It goes back and
it sleeves over the general keg doesn't it? Doesn't it? Well don't ever point that out
to yourself at the time though. You might not get nearly as upset about things. It goes
back up. Of course it goes back up. Now we're going to go to a much higher hopefully level
of sophistication. Remember self esteem is a? Is it a feeling? No. It's a measurement.
Of course look at two variables. One income and demonstrations of? Love, approval, affection,
respectful treatment you get in from others. Variable two, not a competency behavior you
do. Now if we were going to do what self esteem says we're doing which is to what? Measure
you. We would have to be able to do the following. We would have to know each and every one of
the behaviors you ever did. You'd have to be aware of them at the time you were doing
them. We would have to know your conscious and unconscious motivations for doing each
one of those. Now how are we going to know your unconscious motivations? But you would
have to know it. We would have to know the long and short term consequences of each one
of your behaviors were on you. And if your behaviors interacted with another human being
we would have to know the consequences short term long term on them of each one of your
behaviors. Even then we would really have to know where these people kegs went. Remember
how did we get your people kegs up there? It was based on what you thought they cared
about you. In order to measure you accurately we'd have to really know where those kegs
were because you could be what? Too high or too low. You could be biased one way or the
other. We would have to really know all those fluctuations in the past and present. Now
to kind of put this in perspective. Let's see on my what back there? Now it's a wall.
Would you get the story straight? On the wall back there just imagine there's a circular
painting about the size of a basketball. And I got that painting covered up on a diagonal
half so you can only see half of the painting. And I say to you listen sometime before you
leave I want you to go up and look at my painting and I want you to tell me what you think about
it. But I keep insisting that you tell me about what you think about the whole thing.
Would you do it? Huh? No why? Stupid right? Stupid. You would say what? Listen Tom. I'll
tell you what I can about the half I can see. I'll tell you what I think about that. But
I'm not going to be stupid enough to tell you about the part that I can't see. Right?
Most sensible people would say that. Okay. So now let's say this in a room this size.
Remember on the hook what's on the hook? Your self. Let's say that's as big as the basketball
is. The self. Hanging on the hook up there. And in that self of a thing which is what?
All of the experiences over there. I want you to get an idea. Make a guess. If you had
to work real hard. If you had to try to come up with all the experiences, all the behavior
you did, all the motivations for doing them, each one of them conscious unconscious, the
long term short term consequences you and other people and the people fluctuations during
your life. If you had to try to recall that data just make an idea in your mind about
how much of that data could you recall if you worked real hard at it. Of course remember
you're constantly having experiences as the time you're trying to remember. But whatever
that number is get an idea of a percentage of what you could recall if you worked hard.
Now draw that percentage in to the basketball painting. Alright so let's say in a basketball
this big. You thought you could be aware of this much if you worked real hard. So the
rest of the basketball painting is missing, right? If you thought it was stupid before
to ask to make your whole self, right? Whole painting on half. Now you can only see this
much. It's what? Stupid or real stupid. Either one. But now I'm going to ask you a very important
question. Hopefully the most important question anybody ever asked you. With the argument
that I just presented I want you to answer to yourself. Don't answer out loud. Do you
think it's possible with any degree of accuracy or logic to really rate, measure, or give
yourself what we would call a report card? Do you think it's really possible to measure
the entire thing called you as a total human being? Answer that question in your head yes
or no. Now if you said no, you don't think it's possible to measure a human being. Then
you've made a very powerful leap in the way in which you can look at yourself for the
rest of your life. Because you've moved from a model that we call self-esteem, the one
that does measure you, to the one that we says can't measure you, which is what we call
self-acceptance. Now self-acceptance is not that stuff that shrinks out on the west coast
of Antalania, that once you can feel good about yourself enough, then you can accept
yourself. Self-acceptance says it is absolutely impossible to measure or rate a human being.
Therefore everybody in this room is exactly the same. Now what we do to picture it, remember
page 12, got lots of wires, there's really a lot more, right? Yeah, but we only do 20
on each side. We're up in this room. Alright, now let's put it in the room right below us.
This room's empty for a minute. Got it? Okay. Except there's no rug or floor as we know
it. There's this much crystal clear plexiglass floor. So we can look through it. Alright,
now we're going to take the self off the hook and put it up here. And now it's kind of like
up here like Casper the ghost. You know it's there but you can't pick it up. You can't
put a tape measure around to measure it. You can't send it out to get its mineral values
assessed. It's just there. That's kind of what like self-acceptance is when you look
at yourself. It's just there. And everybody's self is exactly the same. But we can look
through the plexiglass at the wires down there. Okay, here's the people wires over there to
behavior traits. Now you can do behaviors better, right? Let's say this one can cook roast beef
better than me. Alright? So her K-gon cooking roast beef is higher than mine, right? But
we're measuring those things how many times? One. You can't go from a measurement of those
things down there to a measurement of this thing called your self. Why? Because it's
not possible to measure you. We can measure the stuff that goes on in the wires. We can
measure how well you think you get along with person A or B or whoever. But you can't jump
from a measurement of those things to a measurement of the whole self. When you do that, a very
powerful word change happens. Things that you were stupidly brought up to think were
needs turn back to what they've always been, which are wants. You want lots of people to
love you like you think you're wonderful. You want to do lots of stuff very competently,
but you don't need to. You don't need anybody on this earth to think you're wonderful. You
don't need to do one thing well on this earth, but you want to. Now the difference between
want and need is symbolized by the following story. Let's suppose this one of me go vacation
down to Caribbean. We go scuba diving. 150 feet. Hurt tank malfunctions. Mine's working
fine. Whose story is this? It's mine. Now you know, you don't just hold your breath
and real quick without paying a big price when you get to the top. The general procedure
is that we share my what? Regulator, right? Under that particular set of situations, circumstances,
I got a lot of power over you, don't I? Yeah, you do. You're going to be willing to do anything
I want you to do on the way up, aren't you? What do you mean? It doesn't matter what I
mean. You're going to be willing to do anything I want you to do on the way up, aren't you?
Probably. Not probably. Is she going to probably? No. Now switch the air in that story to love.
And that's how most horses drive people through life. Needing other people's love like you
need air. And as soon as you do that, you become an easy mark. Let's suppose this one
right here is the female I'm involved with. I know her horse. I treat her nicely. She
thinks she's a princess. I treat her badly. She thinks she's a piece of... You can't give
me any more power than that. Now, does she really need me to love her? No. Or I treat
her nice? No. But she what? Wants to. Now the difference between need and want is the difference
between air and something else that you might want. Now, put your hands like this. Just
pretend there's like a big lighter thing in there with a doorbell top, like a regular
doorbell thing on the top button. Push it in, push it on. All right. Now, when I've
got her button pushed in, that means she keeps getting air. Now, if I get upset with her,
what am I going to do? She's going to do anything I want to get me to put my what? Thumb back
so she gets air. That's too much power to give somebody. But that's what the system
does to you. All right. Now we're going to change this. Open it up. All right. On your
hand, no plate. I want you to think of now your most favorite dessert. And diets don't
count. Okay? Bestest dessert you ever liked. Ever. Right on your hand. Okay? So here's
person A. On their hand, they got this piece of dessert. Just the right bestest quality
and the right size for this piece of eating behavior. Okay? Just the best quality you
ever had and the right biggest size. Got it? Sitting on right there. What's the worst person
A can do to you? Put it back. Put it back there. But almost always after some time goes
by, what do they do? Bring it back up. Don't they? No stuff, big guy. So from now on, whenever
you catch your horse thinking that you need somebody to, what do you do? What is it? Dessert.
Do you need dessert? Oh, but you would like to. Now with people who aren't your person
A, we changed the quality of the dessert. Ain't quite the bestest quality. Right? Ain't
quite the right size piece. But again, you'd still eat it, right? Right. All right. So
it's still a what? Wind. So practice that. All right? When you believe you cannot be
measured, what happens to hurt? It goes away. Why I say it's stronger? It cannot exist in
the first place. When you can't be measured, what happens to inadequacy or inferiority?
It can't exist. What happens to depression? It can't exist. What happens to anxiety? It
can't exist. What happens to guilt? It can't exist. And what happens to the demonstration
there then of anger? It won't exist. Self-esteem causes all of those nasty emotions. And the
shrinks out there for the last 10 years been going around making self-esteem a buzzword.
And all self-esteem is, is a big lie. And it causes all of that pain we just went over.
So you practice this upstairs room. It's like what? Casper the ghost. And you remember,
you don't need anybody to love you. You don't need to do one thing well. But you want to.
Why? Because it'll get you closer to your goals. Now am I saying don't pay attention
to the downstairs room kegs? Right. No, no, not. Why? Because the more it would be reasonable
to have you want the kegs to go where? Higher. Because the closer you can get your kegs to
the hundred mark, then the closer you'll get to your major goals. Here's your major goals.
I think you got one, survival. You'd like to keep living, right? Two, increase your pleasure,
decrease your pain. General good-goal. Have social interactions with other people. Right?
In general. And four, to have various degrees of intimacy involvement, not the sexual kind,
but that closeness, with some of those other people in your social network. And fifth,
to have some type of meaningful involvement in some avocational or andovocational activity.
Well the closer you get the kegs, especially the behavior ones, higher. Okay, then you
get closer to those goals. So do I want you to work at getting the kegs higher? Yeah!
But just because you get your kegs higher, does that mean you're a better person? Why?
Because the hook is still left on, but those self is where? Defined as an unmeasurable
entity. For how long? Forever.