I'm Rob Reiner, and for the next half hour, I'll be appearing on your VCR not as an actor
or a director, but as a father, which is a lot more rewarding than those other two roles
and a lot harder.
So any of you parents or prospective parents who are nervous about your ability to raise
a healthy child who achieves his or her potential, just know that you are not alone.
My wife and I, we have two little boys, and I know how scary being a new parent can be.
So the first bit of advice I have for you is just relax.
All parents have felt the way you're feeling right now.
But you should also feel excited, because startling new scientific discoveries have
given us insight about the emotional and intellectual development of a child and what we as parents
can do during those first three years of life to affect what kind of person he or she will
turn out to be.
I am your child, whatever I know I learned from you, whatever I do you taught me to do.
I am your child.
A newborn child, just one day old, the first day of an amazing journey that begins deep
within the brain.
For nine months, your baby's brain has been growing at an astounding rate.
Now in place, a network of more than 100 billion nerve cells growing and connecting with other
cells.
Cells that control all her thinking, movement, and senses.
From the moment your baby is born, his brain is incredibly active and growing minute by
minute.
In fact, over 90% of brain growth happens in the first three years, and the way it grows
is through experience.
In the process of making that 100 billion neurons, and each one of those neurons making
hundreds of more connections, nerve cells are activated because there's been some sort
of stimulation from the outside world.
And in the beginning, your baby's world is you.
If you provide consistent, predictable, nurturing, and enriched experiences for little infants,
little babies, that that has profound impact on how their brain organizes and how they
function when they get older.
What are those experiences?
And what can you do to make sure that your baby's getting what she needs?
New science has discovered that your opportunities start a lot earlier than you might think,
and that healthy brain connections depend on healthy human connections.
The moment of birth, and the birth of relationships that will shape your baby's world forever.
Right from the start, babies are ready to make contact.
A newborn can be super alert from the minute he's born.
Eyes wide, face searching, all senses tuned to recognize and capture the most important
people in his life, his parents.
And parents are ready to respond.
Dr. Barry Brazelton shows a mother that her day old infant prefers her voice.
And mom can't help but be affected.
It's the same with fathers too.
Mother and dad compete, and guess who wins?
It's the beginnings of what's called attachment.
The bonding that science now knows is the most critical factor in a baby's development.
Parents who fall in love with little children have children who fall in love with their
parents, and the beginning of the love relationship between parents and their children is probably
the most important thing that parents do.
Research has shown that a child who early on forms a secure attachment to at least one
caregiver learns faster, feels better about herself, makes friends more easily.
Throughout his life he'll do better in so many ways.
What can you do to bond with your baby?
In the first few months, one of the most important things is touch.
In ways science has begun to discover, touching your baby affects her on the deepest levels
of brain and body chemistry.
In fact, doctors who work with premature infants have found that touch is an important therapy
in helping these babies thrive.
Regular gentle massage will help your child too, to handle stress, form stronger attachments,
and it will actually go a long way towards building a healthier brain.
It's like exercising a muscle, and with the appropriate pattern of smiling and touching
and feeding, there are parts of that baby's brain that are being stimulated, and that
are being exercised, that are being grown, so that when that child gets older, it will
be very capable of loving other people.
So cuddle your baby as often as you can.
Don't over-stimulate, be gentle and responsive to the cues he's giving you back.
At the right start, you can stay in touch for the rest of their lives.
Many people think that before she can talk, you and your child can't really communicate.
But the reality is, the vast majority of our communications, and the vast majority of the
way we both perceive other people's intention, and communicate our intentions, is non-verbally.
And infants literally are communicating from the moment they're born.
You just have to know how to look, and listen.
Your baby will tell you what he likes, and what's bothering him.
A simple yawn may not be so simple after all.
Your baby might be tired, but it also might be a signal that he's overloaded and trying
to shut out the stimulation.
If you're watching, your child will give you so many cues.
If I could do one thing for every new parent, it would be to capture her or him, to read
the baby's behavior as his or her language.
For instance, when a baby looks up in your face, you know that baby is saying, give me
back something.
Talk to me, cuddle me, pick me up and love me.
And so every time you read a baby appropriately, they give you back a signal.
That was what I wanted.
Cries communicate too.
Scientists have found that there are several distinct types of cries that mean very different
things.
You'll come to learn them from your own baby, like the cry that says, I'm hungry, and the
one that says, I'm really in pain, literally a cry for help.
There's even a cry that asks for attention and interaction.
It's just as important as the others.
And far from spoiling your baby, responding to this special request is critical.
Babies go through several states of consciousness during the day.
Watch for the quiet but alert look on your child's face.
That's the best time to play.
And that's exactly what your baby wants to do.
A child's need to communicate is just as vital as any physical need.
Your baby wants to feel that someone cares and understands.
Just watch this amazing experiment.
What your baby wants to do.
A child's need to communicate is just as vital as any physical need.
Your baby wants to feel that someone cares and understands that he's connected.
Just watch this amazing experiment.
In the face-to-face paradigm, you have an infant, in this case around three or four
months of age, and a parent who's looking directly into the face of the child.
The mother is responding with her voice, with her face, with eye contact to the baby's responses.
Now if you watch, watch how the baby locks into the mother's face right there.
And then we'll respond with an arousal that's exactly proportional to what the mother's doing.
Now when we ask the mother to have a blank expression, watch how the baby's behavior
becomes disorganized.
Her arms move, she pulls things, tries to get herself calmed, but it doesn't work.
This lack of response disconnects the mother from the infant.
Now notice that when the mother begins to express herself in response to the baby, there's
a reconnection that occurs.
And you can see this kind of circle of communication that occurs, a kind of dance of attunement.
And these attunements that happen are extremely important for the development of the brain.
Moments like these between parent and child do so much for a baby.
Well you know, if you hold a small baby, a newborn baby, and hold him right and then start talking to him,
you'll see his eyes widen, his whole face will soften.
Can you do that with your tongue?
Yeah.
When a baby goes ooh to you and you go ooh back, you're saying to him, you're important.
And he knows it.
I think the recent research on brain development shows that this kind of interaction, which
causes a response in him and shows how important it is to him, is hitting some pathways that
the baby is going to reinforce.
And they're going to get richer and richer and richer.
Believe it or not, this dance between you is also getting your baby ready to speak.
At birth, a child is wired to learn any language on earth.
He learns his particular tongue through exposure and imitation.
But language isn't just a collection of words.
It's a far more complex mix of inflections, tones, and rhythms as well.
The rhythm of speech and language is critically important for providing this patterned organization
of the brain as an infant grows into toddlerhood.
Way up in the sky, the little birds fly.
So we are literally rhythm-bound organisms.
It's like the roots of a tree, and music organizes the roots, because you have a strong, healthy
root that allows someone to later on be able to think in an abstract way.
So sing to your baby in the simple words and rhythms he'll respond to.
Read to your baby, early and often.
Tell her what you're doing, how you're feeling.
Talk your way through the day.
Read to your baby.
Make it interactive.
When she gets older, ask her questions, encourage her to get involved, and don't mind if she
wants you to read her favorite story over and over.
Children learn by repetition and love the comfort of the predictable and familiar.
You and your baby can communicate in so many ways, ways that will set the stage for her
growth and the growth of understanding between you.
A healthy baby is the first thing every parent hopes for, and good health begins long before
birth.
Let's take a look.
There's the baby's heart beating.
Both physically and emotionally, the fetus is largely dependent on its mother, her diet,
her physical condition.
Even mom's levels of stress have been shown to directly impact the unborn baby.
So if you're pregnant, eat sensibly, don't drink or smoke, and take care of yourself.
After your baby's born, what you feed her is critical.
The first thing I, as a pediatrician, would encourage a mother to do is to breastfeed
her baby.
And there's no doubt about the fact that the studies show that breastfeeding is way ahead
of artificial feeding.
Beyond that, if it's not possible to breastfeed, then we have to find a formula for the baby
that substitutes for it as nearly as possible.
Move slowly up through the addition of solid food.
As your child develops, she'll also develop her own tastes and eating styles.
One of the things that mothers think is that babies are little machines and they eat just
on a schedule and they're always the same.
That's not true.
Sometimes their appetite is off.
Don't panic.
Wait till tomorrow.
It'll all straighten out.
Safety is important.
From the moment your baby leaves the hospital, proper car seats are a must.
And as your baby gets more mobile, childproofing your house becomes critical.
If you have questions about this or any issue, ask your healthcare provider.
As your baby grows, she'll help you with everyday issues like feeding, immunizations, and what's
normal for your baby's overall development.
So regular visits are important all throughout your child's growing years.
New parents have a lot of questions about discipline.
And there are a lot of myths and misconceptions.
Rules?
Yeah, I was going to say restrictions.
The first concern some parents have is about spoiling.
Can you spoil an infant by picking her up when she cries?
By holding her too much?
By seeing that she gets what she needs as soon as she needs it?
There are a lot of people who have the false idea that you can spoil a newborn infant.
And in fact, you can't.
When a newborn cries, when a newborn wants parental attention, it's for a reason.
They want to be held, they want to be fed, they want to be made warm, they want to be
rocked, they want something.
It is a need, and it is a critical need.
Babies' young brains are just too immature to have any notion of manipulating their parents.
In fact, science has proven that it's much, much better to respond quickly when your baby
cries.
It helps her to begin to manage her world, and herself.
When a baby is born, it's not very good at regulating what we call its internal states.
It's not very good at regulating its sleep and wake cycles.
In fact, one of the major roles that a parent plays early on in the first six weeks is to
help structure and organize the child's sleeping and waking cycles.
These are the first lessons parents can teach.
For example, at night, if your baby is crying lightly, you can let him go for a little,
to see if he can calm himself down.
He may not really be fully awake, and might soon fall back to sleep.
If he persists, come in and comfort him, helping him to learn to get back to sleep himself.
If they learn these smooth patterns of regulation, where every time they get a little bit distressed,
there's this response, and they get soothed.
They get hungry, and they get fed.
They get tired, and they go to sleep.
They get cold, and they get warm.
And they build in smooth, regulated patterns that will provide the framework for all of
the rest of their future emotional, behavioral, cognitive development.
When you respond to her needs, your baby will learn that her world is safe, predictable,
and loving.
As your child gets older, he'll start to test the limits you set for him.
This is perfectly normal and natural.
In fact, you should worry if they don't show some spunk in independence.
But a child also looks for limits.
They want to know their boundaries, how far they can go.
They're going to push you until you find out.
Predictable boundaries that can help him stay under control.
Your job is to help your child understand why limits are needed.
I feel that you can set rules for your kids, but let them figure stuff out for themselves.
As they grow, they can eventually begin to set limits on their own.
When you do have to discipline, be firm but gentle.
My father used to use a razor strap, and spanking was the first result.
It wasn't the last.
What my mom did, she would tell us to meet her in the basement.
Whenever spank, hit, or shake your child, it could injure him physically, and certainly
emotionally.
A slap in the face was really humiliating to me.
That's what bothered me more than anything else.
What I'd like to do now is go around the room and find out what you guys learned from the
experience of being spanked by your parents.
I don't remember learning anything from them.
Hurt was what I got out of it the most.
I guess sometimes I felt rejected.
I just remember being very misunderstood, and thinking how unpredictable they could
be sometimes.
Look at those unpredictable big people.
In fact, physical punishment can leave scars that last a lifetime.
I wanted to break that cycle for my children.
A few effective techniques you can use.
Redirecting your child's attention.
I tell you what, you know what I want to do?
Can you sing me a song?
Yeah.
Okay, I want a song.
No, I want to be a pop.
No.
Limiting choices.
You can have juice, or you can have milk.
What would you like?
You were very naughty to bite.
And timeouts.
And if you feel like you're losing control, don't hesitate to take timeout yourself.
Okay, I'll give Cristiana this one.
Okay, thank you.
Remember, discipline should really be all about helping your child learn to regulate
himself.
Thank you.
Give him a hug, you forgive him.
And about love.
Yeah, we forgive people.
Mary, you go give him a hug, too.
Yes, we forgive you.
Making your child feel good about you and herself.
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Steven.
We all want children who feel good about themselves.
And scientists have found that a strong sense of self is the basis for healthy development.
What can we do to help our children achieve good self-esteem?
Well, first and foremost, we can recognize that every child is unique right from the
start.
Even newborns are distinct individuals with their own personalities and preferences.
Parents should discover who their children are.
Then value that person, no matter how different she might be from what you expected.
That a girl, come on.
Praise your child to explore the world and express herself.
Praise your child, not with empty words, but with real concrete feedback.
You're doing a very good job, Brooke.
Thank you for helping me.
Tell her exactly what you find so wonderful.
Her mommy's socks, oh wonderful, thank you very much, you've been very helpful this morning.
Respect your child, then he'll learn to respect not only himself, but others as well.
Many of you may soon be going back to work.
Separating from your baby, trusting her to someone else, these are very difficult things
for any new parent.
One way to ease your mind is by making sure that your child is in a good environment.
What do you look for in child care?
Whatever the type of care you choose, there are certain universals that signal quality.
The first and foremost is people.
The caregiver who said, I don't spoil my children, is certainly not the one that you would want
to leave your infant or toddler with.
You want someone who, but I also believe that I must play with the baby and we must talk
together and I have books that babies can read, so that it's someone who really has
taken an interest in what do we know about young children, how do they learn, and what
do they need.
What's he putting on?
A good provider should ideally be well trained with references.
Someone who understands children and who's committed to being the consistent presence
your baby needs.
Because caregiver and child can form real attachments.
Grandparents and neighbors can be great caregivers, as long as they take the responsibility as
seriously as any good professional.
What's most important, people who care for children should be people who care about children.
Getting right down to your baby's level, warm, responsive, sensitive to his cues.
Your baby's environment should be clean and safe.
The food he's given, healthy and nutritious.
And studies show that if there are no more than three or four babies for each adult,
your child will get better care.
A good provider should also do everything possible to encourage the bond between you
and your child.
And urge you to drop in at any time, unannounced.
And parents, make sure you stay involved.
Studies show that it's better for your baby, and your own peace of mind as well.
Because how you feel is more important for your child than you might think.
One last word for you new mothers and fathers, about the most important person in your baby's
life, you.
To take care of your baby, you have to take care of yourself too.
If you work, try not to fall victim to the super parent syndrome.
Make sure you have energy left over for your baby when you get home.
Don't be afraid to ask for help, from friends, neighbors, relatives, even community groups.
Think about what the baby might need.
And parenting classes are a great way to learn about your baby.
Take advantage of them.
It's just like any other subject.
The more you learn about babies, the better parents you'll be.
What's most important, try to give your baby your best.
Every child needs someone who's in love with them.
But don't put too much pressure on yourself, because there's no such thing as a perfect
parent.
Learning to parent is learning from failures.
So you first learn from failing, and then saying, oh, well, what did I do wrong?
Now I'll try it again, and getting it right.
The first three years of life provide those experiences which organize all of the critical
parts of the brain, which will allow the child through the whole rest of their life to think,
to have feelings, to communicate, to move, to laugh, to love, to dance.
All the things that we do as human beings, their root capabilities are built in in the
first three years of life.
I hope this video has given you a better understanding of what goes on with your child during those
most important first three years, and what you can be doing to give your child the foundation
he or she needs to reach their full potential.
Remember, now's the time to take the time with your child, because all those cliches
are true.
They're only young once, they grow up so fast, and one I hope becomes a cliché.
The first years last forever.