In volume four, Tom teaches us that the essence of self-discipline and emotional control is
learning to relearn.
We learn to do this by following the yellow brick road.
Here's Tom to explain.
Open up the workbook to page 13.
Page 13 is what story from earlier in the program?
Well, look down there, you'll figure it out.
The Flower Story.
All right.
Basically page 13 is basically there for a review for you before you go teach your buddies
the system, just in case you want to use the Flower Story.
But it has some of the beginnings of the terminology on it that the guy that made up this approach.
Anybody remember the guy's name that made up this approach?
Albert Ellis.
And the big name of it used to be rational emotive therapy, R-E-T.
But about three months ago he added the behavior in, so now it's rational emotive behavior
therapy.
He is famous for something called the ABCs.
And that's what we're going to start learning here.
Now A in his terminology stands for the activating event, or what we've been calling the situation
or the thing that happens to you.
Now in the story with the female with the flowers, what was her A?
She gets the flowers.
All right.
B stands for your belief systems.
Now I didn't put that in there, so write it in.
B equals belief systems.
That note you can take.
All right.
In other words for B are attitudes, values, or simply the way in which your horse talks
you to tell you what things mean.
How fast?
Right.
Move something when I'm this close to you.
Okay.
C stands for big word, consequences.
Whenever you get hit with an event, your horse will always give you two consequences.
C1 and C2.
C1 is how you feel.
C2 is what you do.
Come on, it rhymes.
C1 is how you feel.
C2 is what you do.
Louder.
C1 is how you feel.
C2 is what you do.
Okay.
So, when she felt happy in the story this morning, what's that?
C1 or feel.
And then what's this?
C2.
Right.
That's the behavior that expresses the emotion.
Again, now do females always feel happy?
No.
Sometimes they get suspicious.
What's that?
Another possible different C1.
When she gets suspicious, is she going to do the big hugs and kisses?
No.
So, her behavior will be different.
So, how many A's were there in the story?
One.
So, one A can't possibly cause two different emotional and behavioral reaction patterns.
What's the cause?
The horse or letter?
B. Remember, the horse.
The event happens, who tells you what it means?
The horse.
Okay.
Then the horse could say, loves me, could say up to something no good.
It's up to what?
What the horse thinks causes the feelings and generates the behavior.
Okay.
It's just there for a review for you.
That's what page 13 is.
So, flip to page 14.
Look at the top of page 14, you see two curves.
First one is a learning curve.
Second one is a relearning curve.
Now brand new learning means there's no old learning already and who?
Of course.
Now, go back to earlier in the driving example.
Remember, that's the right key.
Keep the teeth.
I know who it was.
Put it in the hole, turn it on.
Who's doing that?
Who's doing that?
Who's doing that?
Remember the keyword.
Remember the keyword.
No, not the TV.
What?
Yo, baby, nobody ever gets that.
Nobody.
Give me five.
Repetition.
The repetition drives the learning lower and lower, closer and closer to the, until the
horse reaches up, Ben.
Grabs it.
Did I say grabs it earlier?
No.
What are these people supposed to remember?
Every, not eats, every single word I said to you.
Did I say grabs it this morning?
No, I said, eats it.
And after the horse eats it, who do it for you automatically?
So what's another word for horse?
Automatic.
Come on, what's another word for horse?
How fast automatic?
Move something when I'm looking at you.
How fast automatic?
How fast the horse?
What's another word for horse?
Automatic.
Now, brand new learning always start at what letter?
What letter?
B. B?
Ah!
Is that a B?
Tell them.
Is that a B?
No.
What is that?
W. How can she think that's a B?
I don't know.
I don't know either.
Come on, do it again.
Brand new learning always start at what?
W goes, down to?
Who does the guiding down?
Through enough what?
Repetition.
Repetition guides the learning from W down to X.
When it hit point X, who ate it?
Horse.
Point X stands for habit.
Horse.
Same word, say it, come on.
Habit.
Horse.
Same word.
It means point?
X.
Now, most of us who aren't too defensive would admit to having?
One.
Or?
Two.
Habits that we got in our life that we're not too thrilled with, right?
We would like to get rid of them and replace them with?
New ones.
New ones that are hopefully better, right?
Right.
It's also why you might have been sent here.
But we all start that journey at point?
X.
We got to go from X up to?
Y.
And back down to?
Z.
What's the name of the curve?
Go X, Y, Z.
Oh, good.
You know what that means?
You can read the book.
Get more creative and make me up a different name for the curve to go X, Y, Z.
Make me up a more creative, different name for the curve to go X, Y, Z.
What?
Oh, the big side over there, go to big words.
Say the big words louder.
Behavior modification.
Behavior modification.
That ain't it either.
The other name for the curve is the yellow brick road goes from X up through and down
to?
Z.
Now your butt's gonna get pushed through the yellow brick road.
Look over on the top of page 14A.
Next page over.
It says a play example.
Let's suppose you'd written a short play.
You didn't like the way it came out, meaning you didn't like the way you were?
Feel it.
Or what you?
Do.
Do.
You knew I was an expert at helping people rewrite the plays, at least on?
Paper.
So they'd come out more like you would like them to.
So you bring a play to me and I say, well, to understand why your play comes out the
way you don't like it, we're gonna push it through and analyze it through the famous
A, B, C system.
Now remember, A equals the event or the situation.
You want some help?
Let's look through the book.
Right there at the top of page 14A it says A equals what?
Solution.
B equals?
Beliefs or attitudes of value.
But we said what before?
Beliefs.
C1, feel.
Emotions or feelings that your horse puts in your guts you don't like having.
C2?
The behavior you do that you don't like doing.
All right, jump down to the bottom of the page 14A, say play one.
Same letters, a little bit different terminology.
Down there, A equals the?
Situation.
B equals sense plus?
Who tells you B?
Who tells you B?
How fast?
Tell you the sense and the nonsense are just the nonsense.
Both.
The horse does not know the difference between the truth and the?
Lies.
Between the sense and the?
Nonsense.
The horse does not know the difference.
The same way you've brought it?
Again, see one at the bottom?
Emotions or feelings that your horse puts in your guts you don't like having.
C2?
The behavior you do that you don't like doing.
All right, right now I want you to start thinking about how many?
One.
One.
S-pa-sific habit that you have in your life right now that you would severely love to
in your s-s-s-s.
This is, do the C word, baby.
What's the C word?
Change.
And tonight, you start writing out play one.
Now you'll always know how many things to play one.
Oh, come on, is this easier?
A.
How many?
Three.
You'll always know A, because A is just the situation.
You always know C1, because that's how you?
Two.
You'll always know C2, because that's what you?
Two.
OK.
So when you're trying to change something
that your horse has gotten hold of,
the three things you always write out
are the three things you always know.
Now let's go over them again.
You always know A, because that's just the situation.
If you don't know A, you're in deep.
Right.
You always know C1, because that's how you?
B.
You'll always know C2, because that's what you?
Two.
What letter won't you know too well?
B.
B.
Because you're not used to looking for it
and how fast it happened.
All right, so let's do one.
Let's suppose my buddy right here,
she write down for her A in play one, what's A in play one?
Situation.
She write down, my boss was on my back all day today.
That's what she thought her event was,
that her horse was all upset about.
Then she got to write out what letter next?
C1, feel.
So she write down, I was very hurt and upset all day.
Then she got to write out what letter next?
C2, do.
So she write down, I spent a lot of money.
I spent all day in the bathroom.
I'm going to come home.
All right, so she got the three things done.
Let's do them again.
A, situation, boss being on my back all day.
C1, feel, hurt and upset.
C2, do, in the bathroom, second one.
Now she got to write out what letter last?
B.
OK, now she knows the general sentence
that put her butt in the bathroom from page one.
She's got to take that, that's a hint for everybody
to start getting back to page one.
She's got to take that general sentence from page one
and make it specific.
So find page one, remember it's about six pages into the book.
It's that sentence we read a couple of times.
Let's say the general one out loud, come on.
That, even, whatever it was shouldn't have happened.
It's awful that it did and I can't stand it.
And somebody around here needs to be
him then as man worthless.
Let's see, is it me?
Is it you, or is it the way the world works?
All right, now she's got to take that general sentence
and make it specific.
So let's do it out loud as if we were writing it for her.
Ready, come on.
My boss shouldn't have been on my back at all,
let alone all day.
It's awful that he or she was and I can't stand it.
And somebody around here needs to be them then as man worthless.
Let's see, is it me?
Stop.
Rule one, horse will always look to put you down first.
So the horse will say, well, if the boss don't
think you're doing a good job, you
must not be doing a very good job.
And if you're not doing a good job,
you must not be a very good worker.
And if you're not a good worker, you
must be writing piece of.
Stop.
Right.
Almost said that other word.
But as soon as she's taken that general sentence from page one,
just like we did in made it specific,
then she's finished play one.
So get back to page 14 again, or A, 14A.
And don't let your horse whine about flipping back and forth
in the workbook.
All right, so let's do it for her again real quick.
A, situation, boss being on her back all day.
C1, come on.
C1, feel, hurting upset.
C2, do, in the bathroom sucking her thumb.
Then she takes the general sentence from page one
and makes it specific.
Now slide along to the other side of the bottom of page 14A,
where it say play two.
And don't let your horse get you nervous about the terminology.
Make your own capital D at the bottom of the page
and put an equal sign next to it.
I'm going to tell you what a capital D stands for every time
you see it in the system.
OK, write D equals and then put the word disputing.
Critically arguing with, write that word down, disputing.
Then underneath disputing in parentheses put dragnet.
Dragnet.
Now someone who's old enough in here,
tell us what that really means.
Come on, say it louder.
Just the facts, ma'am.
Just the facts.
All right, now do the music.
Come on.
Dum, da dum.
Come on, do the music loud.
Come on.
Dum, da dum, dum, dum.
Now this time do the music like the writer means it, baby.
Like the writer means it.
Come on, loud.
Dum, da dum, dum, dum.
All right, now you get a little trouble from now on.
Just do the music, baby.
Just do the music.
Watch your pants go where?
Oh.
OK, one more help word down there.
Write the word video.
So you got three help words down there.
You got D equals disputing.
You got dragnet.
Now you got the word video.
All right, so go up to the top of play two at the bottom
there.
It says D. What's the subscript?
A.
The same situation.
The subscript is this silly ass little letter
that's hanging down by the bottom of the D. What is it?
The same situation.
What is the subscript?
A. All right, so D stands for what?
Disputing.
So that means disputing A from play one
to make sure it's factual.
Dragnet help word.
Come on, say it out loud.
Disputing A. Why do I want you to say stuff out loud?
So you remember.
Come on.
D sub A means disputing A from play
one to make sure it's factual.
The help word there is video.
So this one would pretend a video followed her butt
around all day that day that the boss was supposedly on it.
Let's say it was today.
We weren't here, but she was regular work.
And she got at home tonight with me.
Of course, I go with her.
And we got it.
We put it in the VCR.
Now we don't want to waste a lot of time, so we put it on what?
Right, so she and I are going to sit there.
We're going to watch the screen.
We're going to count the number of times
we see her boss come up behind her and touch her on the back
like this that day, let alone be on it all day.
Now how many times a day a boss come up going to do this?
Probably not, right?
In a week, not.
Let alone be on her back all day,
unless you have an extremely interesting relationship
with your boss.
But then you wouldn't be writing about this, would you?
No.
No.
So let's say when she thinks about it with her,
and we both watch the video, we find out it was 10 o'clock.
Come on, we've done this number before.
10 o'clock, the boss blew in her office and said,
you are stupid.
That's what really got her horse going.
So for the top of play, too, we write down it was 10 o'clock.
The boss comes.
Did I say comes?
No.
What do you suppose to remember?
Every single word?
Right.
Did I say comes into the?
No.
I said, who?
Let's try it again.
It was?
The boss blew into the office and said,
quotes, you are stupid.
End of.
Now, are you checking on that?
Because videotape don't?
Whose face better come up at 10?
Boss better say what?
OK, none of this metaphorical crap be on my back.
Just the facts, ma'am, as they would literally
appear on the videotape.
You start with absolutely clean data.
No sloppy data.
Next step down there says D sub B.
You can probably say that one out loud with me
if you try a little bit.
It obviously means what?
Disputing B from play?
One.
There is no play A back there.
Come on, play one to make sure it's get rid of the?
Get rid of the?
Thank you over on the side.
To get rid of the?
Look at the?
Thank you.
Give me five for him over there since I can't go over there.
No.
Do it again.
D sub B means disputing B from play?
One, to get rid of the?
That's the other thing I've been trying to teach you all day
how to do.
If you don't think you need any help to say this sentence out
loud, don't turn to page?
Four.
Hurry up.
Get to page four.
It's at the bottom.
Let's read the general sentence out loud.
Come on.
That event, whatever it was, should have happened.
And it's about blank percent bad.
And I can stand a blank?
Mitzi.
Why do we say mitzi?
To find out what it really means.
All right?
So we've got to take that general sentence now
for her story and make it specific.
So let's do it out loud as if we're writing it.
Ready?
Come on.
My boss should have?
Come on, say it.
My boss should have just called me stupid.
And it's about?
No, it is not about time.
Who said that over there?
Get him.
Get him.
I can't get over there.
Why would you say it's about time that her boss called her
stupid?
Oh.
What are you laughing about?
It's not about.
That's not nice.
Come on.
What's the real reason her boss called her stupid?
Her boss got a?
Horse and horse got?
Out and the horse was?
Prancing.
Don't everybody got a?
Every once in a while it's going to get?
In bees?
Don't they?
Cut your boss some slack, will you?
The guy in the blue in the back is going, I'm cutting my
boss no slack.
You don't cut your boss any slack, boys, your
pants going to be a lot.
Down.
Will that fix the boss?
No, but it'll make you?
Interesting to be with.
All right.
Listen, I'll use my magic this one time.
I'll make the boss not be?
Horsey.
So they aren't going to get?
Did you guys forget these signals?
The boss not going to get?
Over upset.
But they're still going to get?
Reasonably upset.
So they won't use stupid words like stupid.
All right, but they're still going to get on your case a
little bit, OK?
Now to get the difference from them being?
Down to?
Reasonably upset.
You've got to go high enough on the Carson scale.
Give me a number.
Five.
No.
Three.
Right.
Three.
She's worse than you.
What's the number?
Three.
All right, come on, let's add.
All right, come on.
My boss should have just called me stupid, and it's about
3% bad, and I can stand to 3%.
Mitzy.
Why do we say Mitzy?
To find out what it really means.
So before our horse can tell us a big lie, which is we're a?
Zero.
We reach out there with our?
Riders.
Grab the horse by the?
Neck.
Not neck.
Right.
Throat.
Rip it down to its?
Me.
Take this event that was happening to you, freeze it,
switch it over, you see it happened to your best friend,
Mitzy.
So we switch the event over, we see Mitzy Boss
call Mitzy stupid.
Is that going to turn Mitzy into a rotten piece of stupid?
Nope.
So it won't turn you into one either.
And what's the real reason Mitzy Boss called Mitzy stupid?
Mitzy Boss got a, and it was, well you, hurry up!
Mitzy Boss got a, and it got, and it was, Mitzy.
And besides, it's only a?
Three.
Come on, let's do it again.
My boss.
Should.
Have just called me stupid.
And it's about.
Three.
Percent bad.
And I can stand a three.
Mitzy.
All right, the next step down, say E1.
What's E1?
Let's try it again.
Remember, when I say something like, what's E1?
What's it mean?
Put your head down to the paper and read it out loud.
What's E1?
Four.
Fireball.
Emotion.
Well, OK, now she told us how upset to get how upset.
Three.
She didn't tell us which emotion to have 3% of, though, did she?
We need to know that so we know how to express it.
Now, with Mitzy, what emotions, and with self-acceptance,
what emotions I do away without your lifetime forever?
First, hurt.
Inadequate.
Depressed.
Anxiety.
Guilt.
Anger.
How do I get rid of them?
All those nasty emotions depend upon your?
Force.
Being able to turn you into a?
Zero.
Can Mitzy be a zero?
So neither can?
So what happens to hurt, inadequate, depressed, anxious,
guilt, anger?
What happens to those nasty emotions
when you can't be a zero?
They can't exist in the first place.
Once you teach who?
Force.
That you can't be a?
Zero.
Why? Because you can't be measured.
But we still have the reasonable negative emotions left.
We got annoyed, irritated, frustrated, disappointment,
sad, big sadness.
That's a G word, but it ain't guilt.
What is it?
Grief.
Why is that section so much smarter than this one?
Come on.
What is it?
Grief.
Is grief depression?
No, depression's your?
Zero.
For how long?
Ever.
Grief is just like big sadness, like some of you
love a lot dies.
It's a very?
Reasonable emotion.
It is big, but it's reasonable because it's
based on reasonable thinking.
So which one you want, 3% annoyed or irritated?
Pick.
Annoyed.
Annoyed.
All right, so she write down for her E1,
she'd write down?
3% annoyed.
Now she got one more thing to write out.
E2, what's E2?
Morphology.
It's a good thing you moved your lips,
even though you weren't looking at the paper.
You at least move your lips.
Give me five for moving your lips.
OK, now.
That takes too long to say, so we're
going to write these new letters down for E2.
Write these new letters down for E2.
Write down N-E-W-D-O.
Pronounce it.
Nude.
Who's soon?
Nude-oh?
It's not nude-oh, it's nude-oo.
What's that make C2?
Right?
Bye, see that section is still quicker.
Come on, what is it?
Old-oo.
So your E2 is your nude-oo.
C2 is your old-oo.
OK, so she'd say to herself, what do I think?
3.
Those two.
Move your lips.
Now come on.
What do I think?
3%.
What emotion she pick?
Annoyed.
Face looks like.
What do I think a 3% annoyed?
Tone.
Sounds like.
What do I think a 3% annoyed set of words
are to say back to the boss when the boss calls me?
And she'd write those down under E to the new?
When she's finished that, and the way it looks on the paper,
she's happy with it, then she's finished play 2.
Now who believes play 2?
Who believes play 1?
Since it was a pony.
Come on, I told you that before.
OK, but we've gone from X up to?
We've won the first half of the ballgame.
And I want you to conceptualize the Yellow Brick Road
as like two distinct halves of like a football game.
Unfortunately, it's not like a real football game,
because you can't kick the?
No, you can't kick the?
What word do I want from you?
Right, you can't kick the?
Out of them in the first half and lose the second half
a little bit, but still win the game.
Nope, you got an out, not right win, both halves.
But we've just won the?
We've gone from?
Up to?
Let me warn you well ahead of time,
the first half of the ballgame is always the fun part.
You get to think about this stuff,
intellectualize about it, write it out on the paper,
talk it over with your buddies.
The hard, hard work is going from?
Y to Z.
But in the last minute and a half, I've seen a number
of your horse's lips sneaking right through your face.
Horse be going.
Tom just covered a lot of stuff.
Ain't no way you're going to remember how to do all this
stuff, let alone do it right.
Let alone do it in the right order.
So we going to win, we going to win, we going to win.
Make your horse look at pages 14, 14, 8, and 15 together.
A lot of what on those pages?
A lot of what on those pages?
Words.
Zooming on the middle of 15.
See those steps once a week?
Don't read them, just look at them.
There they are, laid out for you.
Step by step by step by step.
So say this back to your horse.
Oh, Tom wrote it all up for me.
Oh, Tom wrote it all up for me.
Now go, doosh to the horse, come on, do this.
Doosh to the horse.
All we got to do is a little H word, baby.
Come on, what's the H word?
What's the H word?
No, it ain't, heck, homework.
But it's all written out on what pages?
14, 8, and 15.
So everybody do this, do this.
What's this mean?
It's all in the work.
See how you remember stupid stuff?
In segment two, Tom helps us get to the end
of the yellow brick road with practice, practice, practice.
Here's Tom.
Flip to page 16.
What half's this?
Second half.
How big does a print need to be before you read it out loud?
I said, what half's this?
Second half.
Thank you.
First step in the second half, say,
design, if possible, a symbolic funny image
to what your horse?
Flip your horse.
Just imagine your Clydesdales out there driving in the pasture.
Woo.
Pretty strong horse driving around on all four legs, huh?
But let's say you knew how to flip it.
So legs were out like this.
Or you think it's funnier?
Horse-farer powerful when it's flipped?
You always want to flip it with what?
Symbolic, funny, imagery run by the rider.
Get a giggle in your guts.
Because when you got a giggle in your guts,
where's your pants?
I'll do you one with her.
Let's say she got a she-boss.
OK, pick up the she-boss hair.
All right, now the she-boss only wear dresses.
Pick up the hemline.
All right, now today she got a reasonably well-coordinated
allowance, from all the way down to the bottom.
All right, now today, though, she got on these gorgeous red,
I mean bright red, high heel, this high shoes.
Can you see the shoes?
All right, look in the shoes.
See hooves.
All right, now come back up to the nylons.
See all that dark, coarse hair sticking through the nylons?
All right, what type of hair is that?
What type of hair is that?
Now how many shoes you see?
How many shoes?
Now does she know you're looking at her four shoes?
Does she?
No.
But where's your horse?
Where's your horse?
Flipped.
You want to learn how to do that.
All right, second step on this page, say start.
What type of training tonight?
Spot.
Right.
Is that mister or doctor?
Doctor.
Right, is that mister or doctor?
Doctor.
Wait, what?
We don't want the baby doctor.
We want who?
Mister, from what show?
Star Trek.
Right, the Spock's pants dropped to the ground
when he's under the gun.
Do they?
No, they're like superglue, baby.
Starting tonight, I want 30 seconds of Spock practice.
This is exactly where I want them.
After you get under the covers, and after you
do whatever else you sometimes do after you get under the
covers, and before you go night night, I want 30 seconds
of Spock training.
Plus starting tomorrow, I want another 30 seconds somewhere
in a chair, plus the 30 under the, under the?
So as of tomorrow, how many minutes of training do I want
all your life every day?
One.
What's Spock got in here when he's under the gun?
Ice, baby, ice.
I want 90% Spock in there mixed in with 10% this.
Make my day.
10% who?
Clint.
Forget the Eastward Chest.
Clint.
Now not too much, Clint.
He's a little too cocky.
So we want 90% who?
Mixed in with 10%.
Now if you were under the?
But through my magic, I can still in your guts, 90% who?
Oh, come on, I want more volume.
90% who?
Spock.
Mixed in with 10%?
Clint.
Where's your pants then?
Up.
You guys are easy.
Where are you starting that training tonight?
Under, under, under the?
Covers.
Under, under, under the?
Chair.
How many seconds each time?
30.
Now let's do it right now.
Think of some situation where your horse gets you all in
your guts.
Got a situation?
All right.
Now cancel that feeling in your guts right now.
And now make your guts feel 90% who?
Which means just what?
All right, now mixed in 10%.
All right, make your guts feel like that right now.
OK, where are you starting that training tonight?
Under, under, under the?
Covers.
Under, under, under the?
Chair, tomorrow.
And the covers tomorrow night.
30 seconds each time.
Now what will happen tonight, just like you were able to do
now, you won't be able to hold this feeling too long.
Who will make you forget it?
Then Brad, grab the horse back, make the horse, give you
that feeling again.
That'll go on for a while.
Each time you get a little bit longer in being able to hold
that feeling.
We need you to hold it for at least how long?
30 seconds.
That's why you're doing this practice.
Where?
Under, under, under the?
Covers.
Under, under, under the?
So you get real good at bringing that feeling on and
holding it for 30 seconds.
That'll take you about a week.
In a week from now, you're going to run into a feeling
state that I call cocky.
That means you're getting wham good at bringing who on?
Oh, and a little bit of that cocky feeling as you're ready
for step four.
Skip the first three words, say the one that starts with R
out loud and circle it.
Rehearsal.
Now what's your horse saying right now?
He missed step three.
No he didn't.
What else are you starting tonight?
Play?
Ah, one.
Now do you have to finish play one tonight?
Do you have to finish play one tonight?
Why?
Because have to is a partner of must.
Do you have to even start play one tonight?
But you wham well better, or I'm coming home with your
butt.
Now if you don't do that other stuff tonight, where will I
also be tonight?
Somebody tell her?
Yeah, give me five.
Of course I'll be checking under the covers.
Now do you think a week is enough time to give you to
finish play?
Rewriting to play?
And then hm, and then hm, step three.
Hm, step three.
Memorize.
We've got enough time to give you to do that, say yes.
Then you're going to hit what?
Cocky.
That means you're ready for step?
Rehearsal.
Let's walk her through one.
What's the first thing a tailsor do in a rehearsal?
Remember, what's the rule?
Put your head down.
Read it out loud.
What's the first thing a tailsor do in a rehearsal?
Who's that in our story?
The boss.
All right, so here come the boss.
Next step.
I'm tired of giving here a hint.
I'm going to give it to you.
Here, give me the pen.
Take your finger and put it right on each step.
Each time I say a step, you just slide your finger down a
little bit.
You'll know right where we are.
Hold the pen in this hand.
All right, now let's go to the next step.
What's the next step?
Symbolic image.
So all right.
So here come the who?
Boss.
Boss going to try to call her what?
Yeah, but who's taking over the image?
Writer.
Writer will reach out there, grab the word stupid, break it,
and half make a pause in the middle.
So it goes stu-pid.
And before her can hear, pid.
Writer take over.
Goes stu-shoes.
Try it.
Stu-shoes.
What happened to ours?
What happened to ours?
Flip.
Next step.
Just back in a little bit of clant.
All right, so now we got the horse flipped.
Now listen, haven't you ever been real upset about
something, then something else funny happens and you start
laughing?
What happens to the upset and it's feeling?
It goes away.
That was an accident.
We can do it on purpose with a symbolic, funny image that we
get to what?
Flip the horse.
Then we're going to bring on Spock and a little bit of
clant to pin the horse down so it can't get back.
OK, what's the next step?
DB.
So now she's going to think her new sentence.
Let's say it for her out loud.
Ready?
Come on.
My boss should have just called me stupid.
And it's about 3% bad.
I can stand a 3.
Bitsy.
All right, next step?
Self-feel.
The new feeling.
So she's going to feel herself getting how upset?
What emotion?
Annoyed.
Where?
Inner?
Guts.
Where's her guts?
Where's her guts?
I know her guts are down there.
Where's her guts?
Under there.
Cover.
Inderinderindere.
Chair.
How many seconds this time?
Where's her other set of guts?
Indy, office, being called stupid.
In both sets of guts, she only sees and feels herself getting
a 3% annoyed.
Last step?
The new.
Or do the new do.
So now she would see herself deliver a?
3%.
Percent annoyed.
Face.
Tone.
Words.
Back to the?
For calling her?
Stupid.
She just did a re.
Her so where was she?
Unda, unda, unda.
Cover.
Inderindere.
How many seconds this time?
30.
All step four is, is practicing.
It's just exactly the same thing athletes do when they're
not on the field.
They take the behavioral components of the sport and
they break it down into little pieces.
And they mentally practice and practice and rehearse those
little steps over and over and over again.
That's all step four is.
We're getting who better at it?
Who?
Me.
Right.
Right.
What's the name of step five?
Instant replay.
Now you're all aware of regular instant replays.
You know it's football season.
Your favorite team wide receiver in the end zone, just
as the quarterback released the ball, how many seconds left
in the game?
Lose and buy?
Five.
Don't the wide receiver drop the ball?
Of course, what happened?
No, the clock didn't stop.
You lost.
Right.
What's the way MTV do though?
Replay.
Show it again.
Oh, don't he drop it again.
But this time he drop it?
Slow.
That's a what?
Regular instant replay.
In a bias instant replay, my buddy right here that keeps
screwing up would have spent a lot of money on a special
button he had installed on the inside arm of his favorite TV
watching chair.
This button be called a?
Bias instant replay button.
So when his favorite team wide receiver dropped the ball, he
get upset?
No.
Because he knows the TV's going to what?
Show it again.
But before they have a chance to show it again, what he do?
Push the button.
Then when they show the replay, don't the wide receiver
catch what they put?
They put six.
Underscore board and we?
Win.
Win the game.
What's that called?
A?
Bias instant replay.
What is it really?
Changing the way something occurred back in reality to be
the way he wanted it to be.
What's that called?
A?
Bias instant replay.
OK.
A bias instant replay in our system.
Right off of her knee here, just imagine there's a plane
of time this wide that goes right up from the rug all the
way to the ceiling.
Can you see it there?
This is the reality.
That's where the boss in this case actually calls her stupid.
Who shoots out of the barn?
How fast?
Puts her butt in the bathroom sucking her.
Then some?
Goes by and she runs into this other plane of time
symbolized right here.
Can you see this one?
Good.
Now there's a plane of time over there.
That's reality.
Then there's some in the middle.
And then there's this plane of time right here.
The difference in time between there and here could be 10
milliseconds.
How fast is that?
Could be 10 hours, 10 whole seconds, a day and a half
driving home.
Some?
Goes by and she hits this wall of time right here.
When she hits that wall of time, it's called running into
the old Italian say.
Watch.
The old Italian saying go like this.
It's also something from an old TV commercial.
The V8.
So there's three names for this.
The V8, the old Italian saying, but the real name for
this is the biased, instant, replay, signal.
Now you've all had that feeling thousands upon
thousands of times in your life.
You know all the times in the past when it's been too late
you go, wham it.
Why didn't I think of saying this to them then?
Each one of those times has been a good one.
Each one of those times has been a biased,
instant, replay, signal.
Now let me show you what happens every single time you
get that feeling.
Take either one of these two fingers, the pad of the finger,
and on the cross shoulder right around here, you feel
that bone?
Elrond Bumby Bumby called the person hole cover.
A person hole cover?
I'm trying to make the seminar less sexist.
This is a what?
Person hole cover.
So what isn't this?
Right, it's the man hole cover.
It's a person hole cover.
And whenever you get that, it pops that little
personal cover off.
Now you never knew this before.
But right underneath the personal cover, four inches
deep, there's a little cylindrical hole down there
about the size of a quarter.
And I can get that little.
And I've been in there forever.
And I'm going to stay in there forever too.
Oh yes.
And that whenever you get that, pops that little personal
cover off, institutes a little.
What was this before?
Up on her shoulder, come home.
Me, how tall I be?
How deep was the hole?
So my?
My?
Ends up at her.
And she can look over there and see me.
And the two of us can talk.
Oh, but nobody can see me standing there or hear her
talking to me, so they don't think she's crazy.
So whenever you get the, you got to turn and go, hi Tom.
Practice that.
Come on, go.
Hi Tom.
Oh, come on, do it better.
Come on.
Hi Tom.
Tom will say back to you every time, close your eyes.
The only time you don't immediately listen to me is
if you happen to be.
You pull your butt over and then you close your eyes.
If your horse tricks you into not listening to me when I
say, close your eyes, then the only thing you will ever be
good for with this system is running your mouth at cocktail
parties.
Let me be real clear with you.
Let's say your rider thinks the system makes sense.
You even pick something in your write out play.
Did somebody give you an excuse to not move your lips?
Now come on.
We're going to even write out play.
One, even write into play.
Even.
You even do v, v, v, under, under, under,
k, under, in, in.
How many seconds this time?
You do all that work on something, but then your horse
tricks you into not listening to me when I say what?
Close your eyes.
Then even though you've done all that other work, still,
what's the only thing you will ever be good for with the
system?
Come on.
Running your mouth at cocktail parties.
You won't get the c word, but the c word, change, unless you
do step five.
Step five is a step that breaks who's back.
OK.
So there's where that plane of time is reality.
That's where the boss actually called her stupid.
Who shot out the barn?
Stuck her butt in the bathroom.
Run some.
And she hit the wall.
She turned and said what?
All right.
Tom said what back?
Close your eyes.
So she closed her eyes.
So where is she?
Where is she?
She's not in the dark.
She's in the bathroom.
Don't you remember where she was?
In the bathroom.
So she sat on a toilet, closed her eyes.
See who coming at her?
Who?
Boss.
Boss is going to call her what?
Stooges.
Ah.
Stooges.
Shoes.
What happened to horse?
Flipped the horse.
Now we're going to bring on what feeling?
Spocking a little bit of.
Clint to pin the horse.
Don't you can't get back?
That's twice on the same one.
Then she's going to think what?
The new sentence.
Come on.
My boss should have just called me stupid.
And it's about 3% bad.
I stand 3%.
Mitzi.
Then she's going to feel how upset?
What emotion?
I know.
Where?
In her?
In her?
In her guts?
Where's her guts?
Where's her guts?
I know her guts are there.
Where's her guts?
On the toilet.
Where's her other set of guts?
In the office being called stupid.
In both sets of guts, she sees and.
Herself getting how upset?
Replay.
What emotion?
Annoyed.
Then she sees the three annoyed looking.
Face.
Tone.
Words.
Go back to the.
For calling her.
And she just did a.
Biased.
Instant replay.
What is it really?
Changing the way her.
Made her react back in reality to be the way she.
Wants it to be.
What's that called?
Biased.
Instant.
Replay.
Now.
We can't wait around for her boss to call her stupid again
at 10 o'clock, right?
Might not happen till.
Not next month.
11 or so.
So back here in real life, we create a general umbrella
term that will cover this specific event.
This one with her story type, we would call underneath this
umbrella we call obnoxious treatment.
That she gets in from any other human being on Earth.
So let's say she goes shopping tonight.
Store clerk treats her rudely.
What's that come under?
Obnoxious treatment.
Let's say a different person at work treats her badly
tomorrow.
What's that come under?
Obnoxious treatment.
Let's say later on the weekend she's disciplining one of her
older kids.
Behind the back the kid goes, what's that come under?
Obnoxious treatment.
So anytime she runs in the future when she runs into any
type of obnoxious treatment, we'll take her from there.
What's there?
That's reality over there.
Two.
Remember two?
Here.
Remember, this is how much it took under the first umbrella
one, which is the boss one she was working on.
She immediately did a biased instant replay, which is when
I said what?
Close your eyes.
I say, close your eyes.
What do you say?
Then I say what?
Close your eyes.
Because she did that at the right time, then the next time
she runs into any type of obnoxious treatment, it won't
take her from there to here to get the, nope.
It'll only take her from there to here before she gets the,
and then the next time, and then the next time, and then
the next time.
I ain't doing it all the way back here.
But who's getting faster?
She is is not an answer.
Come on over here.
Who's getting faster?
The rider.
Catching the?
OK, here's the first real time goal you can notice that
you're making to prove the system's working for you.
Pass the H word.
What's the H word?
Let's do the homework again.
Homeworkers, write out play.
Who's writing to play?
Remember, I used to play to do re, re, re, re, and, and,
and, and.
How many seconds this time?
Homeworkers has done it?
Pass the homework.
The first thing you can notice that you're making the system
work is you're starting to notice you're cutting the?
Down it takes your?
Catch your?
Isn't that what's happening here?
Each time she does a bison's replay, she's cutting the
time, takes her, rider to catch her, until the rider
get almost as quick as who, almost?
Yeah, but who's still a little quicker?
There go the horse.
But before the horse get too far, who got it?
Who got it?
When she gets that quick, it's called hitting the good
schizophrenic point in time.
That means she gets a line drawn in the middle of her
face, she gets a split right there.
All right, that's what schizophrenic means.
That means this side of the face, they'll be
controlled by the who?
This side now be controlled by the?
And she ends up going?
But she's close.
With a little more P word, what's a P word?
Practice.
You break through there and break.
Who's back?
Now who automatically gives her a?
In her guts, in her face, in her tone, in her words.
The new who?
Who?
Who's been doing all the work in the meantime?
That point is how many months from today?
When you pick something, and you push your horse's butt
through the?
The?
Yellow?
Road.
And it works on everything that exists outside of this room.
All right, now I'm going to show you the secret handshake.
Now you know the people that were here.
Look around the faces in the room.
You recognize the people here.
Now if you see them in the mall, or at a big restaurant or
something, from now on, whenever you see these people
that were here today, hi, say hi to them.
Come on, hi, say hi to them.
That's called getting in the front half of the secret
handshake.
Now if you get in the front half first, that means the
other person got to return the rest of the secret handshake.
He's got to go, hi, Tom.
That's the rest of the secret handshake.
Now anybody figured out psychological
k-o-pec-te yet?
I told you early in the program that's what you were
learning here today, what?
Psychological k-o-pec-te.
Well, listen, when you have a difficult task, if you haven't
figured it out, you're supposed to break it down into
smaller what?
Pieces.
So what does real k-o-pec-te do?
What does k-o-pec-te do?
It gets your together.
Isn't that exactly what k-o-pec-te do?
Literally, isn't it?
So what did you learn here today?
Psychological k-o-pec-te.
Now you know when athletes do something they think's neat on
the field, they run at each other a lot and they do this,
they go, what's that called?
Well, get creative now.
If that's a high five, what's this called?
A what?
High horse.
Give me a high horse on three.
Ready, one, two, three.
All right, now put it down.
What's the first thing I touch you to scream back at your
horse?
Sit down.
So what do you think you're going to?
Sit down.
Did we say sit down?
Come on, what?
Sit down.
So what do you think you're going to scream as loud as you
can right when we reach the apex?
On three.
Ready, one, two, three.
Sit down.
This is usually where Tom ends his program, but we were able
to persuade him to stay for a while and answer questions
from some of the audience members on how to apply this
system to specific situations.
Here's Tom.
Now, who's got that first question?
There's a few people that I work with that seem to
procrastinate a lot.
And I'm wondering if your program would help with that,
if I could help them or the anger that I feel always
picking up the slack.
You mean they don't do their job?
They don't carry their own weight?
They don't do anything?
OK.
What's A in the story?
Come on.
They're not doing their work.
What's C1?
For the angerer, she said anger.
And then what is it that a person might do to
express the anger?
Yeah, but do they yell at the person?
What do they do?
Witch and moan to the other sympathetic people who like to
witch and moan.
All right, so that's A, C1, C2.
What's B?
Give me some B's.
What do you think a person in her scenario, horse, would
think that would cause her to get angry?
Everybody needs to do their job.
They're not doing their job.
Need, need, need.
Should is going to take the sentence from page one.
They should be carrying their own weight.
It's awful that they're not.
I can't see.
You're doing good.
And somebody around here needs to be condemned and damned as
rotten and worthless.
Let's see.
Is it me?
No, I'm doing my job.
It's the person that's not doing their job.
Right?
So again, what you see is you've got to do play one and
then rewrite it into play two.
So A was they're not doing all their job.
C1, angry.
C2, witch and moan to the other.
And then we took the general.
You always look for where is your horse demanding?
Where is it making it out to be awful?
Where is the things you can't stand in the
condemning and damning?
Look for that.
Now it might not always fit into that sentence on page one
exactly the right way, but you kind of crunch it into as best
as you can.
Now you've got to write play two.
So they don't carry their own weight.
What do you mean?
What do you check?
Make sure that's really true.
Let's say it is.
Next.
D sub B.
Got to get rid of the nonsense.
All right, so how should they be doing a job?
The way they're doing it.
Why?
Because that's what they're doing.
All right, so they should be doing as much work as they're
doing.
Right?
Horse go, oh, that ain't right.
Right?
But according to our way of thinking, no matter what's the
goal, to get her from being over upset down to reasonably
upset.
All right?
Is it awful that they're not doing it?
No.
Hey, bud, how high would you go?
I'll use my magic.
What am I going to do to a person?
Make them do their regular job.
All right?
You're going to go that?
What's that?
Is that a 15?
Oh, it's a 20.
OK, you're going to go that if I fix the person?
All of them?
One at a time.
15?
All right, so for all the rest of the time, you've got to
work with them, 15?
OK, so come on.
And it's about 15% bad.
And I can stand a 15.
Now, you don't necessarily have to bring in your best
friend's first name there, because you're probably not
taking it personally.
Unless there's a thought underneath that says, I should
be able to find a way to get them to do their job.
Since I can't find that way, that means I'm inadequate.
Because if I was an inadequate person, I would find a way.
If there's that in there, then you want to come up with your
best friend's first name.
But that's not usually there.
All right, so now we change C1 from angry to what?
E1 is your new emotion, which is what?
How much?
15% irritated.
All right, so let's say that's closer to the lemon rather
than the watermelon.
OK, so now do we just reduce her emotional dollar cost for
having to deal with this person?
OK, but does it make sense that she's still reasonably
upset about it?
Sure.
Do we want her to be totally un-upset about this?
Doesn't make sense, right?
But we want her to be what?
Reasonably upset.
Now, she may never be able to, quote, influence that other
person to change their behavior.
Just have to accept that sometimes.
But you can try if you want to.
Next question.
Tom, I feel certain that I wasn't being talked about when
the question about procrastination came up.
Because I do procrastinate, but I work so well under
pressure that I don't really think it's a bad thing.
Right.
What's that sound like?
Horse love.
Horses love to come up with excuses.
Procrastination is probably one of the most common problems.
There's three reasons.
Fear of failure, fear of success, which you might not
understand, and what we call low frustration tolerance.
Example would be things like not starting a report on time.
So what's A?
It's time to start the report.
What's the behavioral response?
Don't do it.
OK, what's the horse say?
Give me some horse excuses.
Yeah, we can do it later, right?
Tomorrow.
What's underneath it?
What's underneath it?
If I started on time, I might not do a good job.
It's the old college put off the paper.
Right?
It's the fear of trying hard like you're supposed to and
not doing well.
So what does it horse say?
Call me a procrastinator.
Don't call me stupid.
Because if I work real hard, start the report on time,
start the, and I don't get a good grade, or I don't get the,
then I'm going to have to admit that I'm stupid.
But hey, listen, there's a better excuse.
Put it off.
Because then, if you don't do it well, you have a what?
An excuse.
What do you expect?
I just started it a half hour ago.
Oh, listen, if I had started it on time, I would have done a
great job on it.
So don't call me stupid.
Call me a procrastinator.
Because everybody is.
But the pressure makes me do better.
The pressure makes you do better?
Does he believe that one?
He has the lucky experience of sometimes doing better on the
pressure, right?
You have that as a historical.
You were the one that didn't do the paper
until the last night.
And what?
He got a good grade.
The horse say, this works.
This works.
Keep putting it off.
Now, the other one is the fear of success.
And that one's a little more complicated.
Your horse has an old belief that as you become more
successful, something bad is going to happen to you.
Now, that varies as to what that bad thing is.
But a lot of it has to do with early horse training.
That somebody back when you were little who was successful
was also, from your point of view, of something whole.
Around the house.
In other words, they were very successful outside house.
But in the house, they were something whole.
So your horse thinks, if you're successful, you're going to be
something whole at home.
So as you become more successful, meaning you don't
procrastinate, get things done on time, your anxiety level
raises, and your horse gets you to screw up.
So why?
So you don't get turned into a something whole.
Because, God forbid, we should get that.
That's always what happens under this
sometimes fear of success.
The more common one is the grade school one.
Most of us went to grade school.
We didn't have to work that hard to get good grades.
So what did the horse learn?
Getting good grades means you're a good kid.
But underneath it is the more important one.
And you didn't have to work hard at it.
So that becomes the key.
You don't have to work hard at getting the good grade or the
good performance.
You get to junior high school, they give you more work,
though.
It's easy to keep getting the good grades without having to
do more what?
Then your high school, college gets harder and harder to get
the same grades.
Horse starts learning what?
You aren't nearly as good as you used to.
You still get the same grades, but you had to work harder.
So as you have to work harder at something, your horse makes
your value go down.
The horse don't like that, so just don't do it.
Have this belief, my life must be easy and comfortable.
I must never have to do anything I don't want to do.
Because worthwhile people never have to do anything they don't
want to do, right?
No, right?
So do I want to be worthwhile?
So I ain't going to do anything that I don't want to do.
Tom, my wife and I have a three-year-old boy and another
one on the way.
And you mentioned earlier in the program how vital it is to
teach these skills to your kids.
My question is, when do you start teaching it?
And more importantly, how?
Well, when is as soon as they become around, through
modeling mostly.
They learn a lot from watching you and how you respond.
But that's just a general way.
Specific ways are like, how's the oldest one is what?
Three years old.
Oh, and the other one's not quite there yet.
No.
OK, he's not there.
All right.
Now, three years old, they can start beginning to get the
idea of the premise of the system.
And you do it by watching.
Do they watch cartoons?
Sometimes.
OK, well, they get a little older, they watch them more.
Let's say on a cartoon it's snowing.
So you say to them out loud, as if you're kind of talking
out loud, does everybody like snow?
Does grandpa like snow?
Oh, no.
Grandpa hates snow.
Try to find another person that likes snow.
So how can that be?
The snow is the snow.
What's grandpa think about the snow?
You got to shovel it.
You drive in the stuff.
The other person, what?
Snow in here.
Snowing in the mountains.
Then they go skiing.
People think differently.
So you just find various different examples to show
them that you could have two different
reactions to the same event.
There are things that happen in their environment.
That three-year-old's a little too young to understand the
Carson scale.
But when they get a little older, you could teach them the
Carson scale.
If they're already older teenagers, you've got to trick
them, all right?
And the way you trick them is by doing things that generate
the C word, a different C word, the curiosity, all right?
So you're talking on the phone to one of your friends.
You start explaining the stuff on the phone to one of your
friends.
The kids what?
Disney.
Right.
But if you try to teach it to them, you get two hooves going
like this, all right?
The other thing you do is you take something that happens to
their, let's say their boyfriend dumped them.
OK.
So you write out play one for them.
Now, you know how to write that.
I'm no good.
And you leave it laying around.
See?
They're going to read it, right?
Then you also on the back, you write out play two, all right?
Meaning if my best friend got dumped, would she be a no good?
No.
And you leave those little things around, and they stumble
on them, and you kind of teach it to them that way.
Now, I can't understand the should stuff or the
conceptualization of the two room model with the self
accept.
They really can't see that until they get to be late
junior high, high school.
Their brain ain't developed enough.
But they can get the idea like when you hear people say, oh,
you were a good boy.
Uh-uh.
We don't want good boy.
Good boy is a what?
Measurement.
You did good at that.
Now, you've heard people say that in parenting stuff all the
time, right?
But nobody's explained why.
Now, that little kid will still think if I did good, I'm a good
boy.
They'll still make the mistake.
But if you keep constantly talking that way to them,
when my daughter was little, we'd play games.
I'd give her lines.
She'd have her lines.
I'd do my lines.
Typically, I could get upset with her and press at her.
And I'd say, OK, here's what's going to happen.
I'll probably still, because I'm not perfect, I'll still get
upset.
But then quickly, I'm going to get it under control.
And then I'm going to come back in your face.
And I'm going to pretend to be this upset still.
Pretend.
I'm going to say this.
You're going to say this.
OK?
So this is how it would go.
I'd get upset at her, then quickly get it under control.
And I'd go right back up on her face, and her name's Lori.
I would say, now, Lori, who got me upset?
And she'd say, you did.
See, now, she had no idea what that meant.
All right?
But we started laying the groundwork early.
I'd come home.
I was in graduate school then.
We had a flat with the stairs that go up, open the door.
She'd hear me.
The game was, I'm going to come home, say this.
You're going to say this.
I'd yell up the steps.
She'd wait there at the top.
I'd say, Lori, were you a good girl today?
And she'd say, no.
And I'd say, why not?
And she'd say, because it's not possible to be a good girl.
Now, she didn't know what that meant.
All right?
But we were starting to lay the groundwork for some of the
philosophical types of ideations as to what was
happening that we could talk about later when she could
understand what it was.
So you can do those types of things to teach the kids.
If they're amenable to listening to you, which
sometimes they are, then you can sit down just like I was
with you and say, this is the argument.
This is the logic.
Those types of things.
As they get into teenagers, you don't know nothing.
You're just my old man, that type of thing.
How do you deal with the manager or the supervisor who
thinks it's OK to yell at you all the time?
How do you not get so upset about it?
Right.
So what's A?
Bajas.
See how good you're getting at this?
What's C1?
He probably gets what he say, upset.
That's a garbage emotion, but we can call it upset.
Probably gets what?
Hurt.
Right.
Boy, are you getting good.
All right, now what's C2?
The behavior.
What's he probably do?
What do you think people do?
OK, they could either wimp out and not say anything, or kind
of similar to the one about witch and moan to the other
people about what a something hold a boss is.
Right?
But most people don't rip the boss's faces off.
Right?
OK, most people.
All right, so that's now.
That's A, C1, C2.
What do you think his horse says?
This should not have happened.
Yeah, the boss don't like me.
Remember, when you first come up and write these things
down, remember, that's the first job, is to write these
things down.
The best way to do it is, as soon as he's gotten upset, go
to the bathroom with a piece of paper and a pencil.
Write down the two words.
Just let the horse.
That's a called cathartic release.
Did you get that one?
Cathartic release.
No, I said cathartic.
Oh.
See?
Horse is what?
Right, on the paper.
That gets two things.
That gets the cathartic release, and it gets the horse
documented on the paper.
Just write that.
All right, now, boss don't think I'm doing a good job,
so I must not be doing it.
It's very much like the one I did just before.
OK, so now we've got to rewrite it.
What's it really mean that the boss yells at him?
Boss got a?
Every once in a while, it's going to get in
these brancies.
All right, now I'll fix the boss.
How high are you going?
I'll make the boss be what?
No, not perfect, but reasonable.
Almost all the time.
I don't want to make anybody perfect.
But what?
I'll make them what?
Reasonable.
How high are you going to go if you were this pretend person?
Now, you might have to work with this boss quite a long time
now, so you might go up into the higher numbers.
Not above 50, though, right?
Yeah, we ain't going above 50.
All right, but you might go a broken arm, let's say.
If you had to, let's say we knew you were going to work
five years, you might be willing to go a broken arm.
If we got the boss was never in five years, almost never,
to be what?
Horsey.
OK?
So let's say it's 25% bad.
OK?
That's a noticeable one, right?
OK, so then it makes sense.
Does it make sense every time the boss is
horsey to get 25%?
No, because that's the what?
Whole thing.
So we break it down each time the boss rip your face.
OK?
Each time, don't be a 25.
Right?
Each time would be lower.
You think bruise?
Think a bruise is reasonable?
OK, so bruise is a what?
Five.
So each time the boss rip, we'd be a five.
So we'd be what?
5% disappointed and frustrated that we got stuck with a boss
like this, right?
That occasionally gets horsey and does
this irrational behavior.
And therefore, we would then reduce the emotional dollar
cost for having to deal with this particular type of person
or boss.
Now, that's just on what?
Paper.
Now, what's going to happen?
Boss is going to rip his face again, right?
Yeah?
Horsey's going to what?
And then he's going to go, what's that mean?
All right.
And that's the cue to do what?
Do a bias and a replay.
Go back to when the boss, a few minutes ago,
boss ripped your face.
But now you're going to think it through play two instead
of play one.
You're going to actually feel yourself only getting 5%
disappointed and annoyed.
And then see yourself, whatever you
think your face would look like, expressing the 5%,
not directly back at the boss because we decided
you ain't going to do anything back to the boss.
The best thing to do with these types of people
is leave them alone, all right?
If you think there's not much chance
that their horse is going to change.
Do you see how hard from before when we did the other example,
how hard it is for you to get your horse to change?
Just think about how hard it is to get somebody else's horse
to change when they don't even know they got a horse.
All right?
So the chances of influencing the other people to change
aren't great.
OK?
You can sometimes try.
But it requires a different behavior pattern from you
than you usually give.
If you're in sales, can the system help you?
Big time.
Big time.
In sales, there's a sales circle.
All right?
First, you've got to find somebody to sell stuff to.
That's called prospecting or suspecting.
And then you've got to turn those suspects into prospects.
And then you try to get an appointment with them,
whether it's over the phone or in person.
Then you've got to present your sales presentation pitch
and then ask for the sale.
And then try to close it.
And then ask for referrals.
It forms pretty much a circle in most sales types
of situations.
Usually somebody in sales, one of those areas in the circle,
they don't do well at it.
Most common one is the quote, cold calls.
Who don't like to do cold calls?
The horse.
Why?
Because there's a lot of rejection.
And when somebody don't want to know about what your stuff is,
what's your horse do?
Pfft.
Zero, zero.
That they don't like you or your stuff.
Well, that's very expensive to keep feeling that feeling
and still have to pick the phone up.
All right?
So A, you're at your desk.
That's a situation.
C2, you don't pick the phone up.
It's another form of the procrastination stuff.
But it's just a different model.
All right?
So why don't you want to pick the phone up?
What's a horse say?
They're, oh, it's not going to work.
They're not going to say, I'm going to tell you no.
You're going to feel bad.
Don't do it.
All right?
OK.
So what's C1?
They're anxious about being turned.
Have they been turned into a zero yet?
No.
It's only when they get the rejection.
So in the future, it's always going to be a zero.
All right, so that's play one.
Now we're going to go and rewrite play two.
So check it out.
Make sure it's written factually.
In this case, what?
Sitting at the desk.
Time to make the phone calls.
Right?
OK.
What do we want the new behavior to be?
Pick up the phone call.
All right?
Do we want her to feel anxious about doing it?
No.
It's just a numbers game.
It's just a numbers game.
And you keep doing it.
It's kind of like throwing the stuff against the wall.
Sometimes, some of it's going to stick.
All right?
But you've got to have the right approach in here
to keep picking the phone up.
Or if it's the other stuff, presenting the information,
asking for the sale, whatever it is.
So how would we rewrite it?
That'd be DB, the way we want her to think.
Am I going to be a zero if they say no?
No.
So why?
Because you can't be a zero.
All right, you want to do the short?
What's her friend's name?
Good?
Mitzi?
So would Mitzi be a zero if she got told
by this potential person to go, pfft, it?
Nope.
So neither am I. Is it reasonable to not like this?
Yeah.
If you could use my magic and have this person
that she was going to call say yes.
How high would you go?
Well, it depends on how big the sale is, right?
Sorry, because it depends on dollars now.
But again, you would use my magic, right?
All right, so let's say this one wasn't that big.
She'd take a cut, which is a what?
10.
So I say to her, listen, either pick the phone up
and do your job, or I'm going to give you a cut.
Which one you want?
The phone.
That's right.
See how quick?
Boom, I'll take the phone.
All right?
See, but that's the way you get around the horse.
All right, so now let's say it's the mid-morning
and she's realized she didn't do it.
What's that?
That's right.
Remember, when you become aware of the fact
that you did it the old way, that's the B8 order,
biased instant replay signal.
So now you see yourself, it's back in the morning.
You just pretend it's earlier in the morning.
You're at your desk, but do you let the horse get you
to not pick the phone up in your mind?
No, you play it through play to the way
you wished you had done it two hours ago.
All right, and that starts cutting down.
It takes your rider to catch your horse, all right?
And that pretty soon you start beating the habit
and picking up the phone when you're supposed to,
or asking for the sale, or asking for some referrals.
What do they say about referrals?
Horse say, don't ask for referrals.
What?
People don't like to give out their friends' names.
No, they feel they won't like you if you ask them that.
So what?
Don't ask them that.
Because you what?
You have to be liked.
Who wrote you have to be liked?
Your horse made it up.
I work with people a lot.
And there are a lot of customers out there
who, when they're upset, can sometimes,
because they're in their horse and they're ready to lash out,
they'll get my goat.
And I want to know how I can change my reaction right there
so that I treat them better, or I don't get as upset
and I can treat them better.
It comes under the guise of all the content trainers
tell customer service people what?
Listen, don't take it personal.
I want to say to all those trainers,
when's the last time you told somebody not to take it
personal and they didn't?
You can't just tell people not to take things personally.
Doesn't work.
A, what's A?
Customers on a phone calling her bad names,
saying rotten things about her company, being very abrasive.
What's C1?
Hurt, right, hurt.
Somebody is in line, treat me right.
Does she demonstrate the hurt?
No, she converts it into what?
Anger, right.
But does she show it to the customer?
No, right, why?
Because her butt would get fired,
or she'd get written up or whatever.
So she's got to what?
Suppress it.
But she's still got to be nice to the person on the phone.
What's her horse want to do?
Reach through the phone line, rip their throat out.
OK.
So it makes it real hard.
That person can hear your tone, can't it?
You might say the right words, but that person reads your tone.
OK, so that's play one.
OK, if this person don't treat me right,
then they don't like my company.
Then I'm going to do, you know, and they're, OK.
Now, so we did play one.
OK, let's play two.
Person calls, says all the same things.
All right, what's the lead word?
Best friends for his name is the first best word
to come up with.
Now, the other stuff is, should this customer
be treating her badly?
Not well, come on.
Yes, why?
Because they are.
Your horse would do what?
Demand all customers be nice.
You know if that were true, if all customers were nice,
you probably might not have a job.
Why?
Because we wouldn't need so many people in customer service
then.
You can be careful what your horse goes around demanding.
You might get something you don't want.
All right, but should this person be this way?
Yep, all right, I'll fix them.
How bad is it?
One call, one call.
You're going to go a bruise?
Bruise, maybe a 10?
No, a little bit, how about a 7?
7?
Well, what do you want?
Two.
Two, he's lower.
We'll take you, we'll do you a 5.
All right, so it's worth a bruise.
OK, it's 5% annoying and disappointing
that she's got to put up with this abusive treatment
on the phone.
OK?
Why doesn't she take it personally?
What's her name?
Mitzi, right.
Mitzi means what?
If Mitzi was up getting this phone call
and Mitzi came over to you and said, oh, I just
got turned into a, because some customer treated me badly
on the phone, what would you say to her?
Come on, Mitzi.
Now, the way I help those people that have to do that job,
I try to get to their boss.
They have a competition every week
of the most obnoxious phone call.
See?
So they're going what?
Oh, I hope this is a good one, right?
Because they get to tell the story.
How would you feel then?
You right?
You would have a totally different attitude
about having to deal with the abusive people.
Now, are the people on the line always abusive?
Probably not.
But they're just being what?
Horsey, because they're horses out.
Why can't you give people permission
to be horsey with you every once in a while?
I'm not asking you to like it.
But why can't you allow it?
We know it exists out there.
You're going to bump into it with your own fair share,
more with customer service, but with your own fair share.
You're going to run into it.
Why don't you make your reasonable dollar
cost in here sensible?
In order to do that, you kind of have to give those people
permission to have these idiot, syncretic behavior patterns.
But you don't have to think it means anything about you,
because you wouldn't if it was Mitzi.
Same type of thing.
Now, if it's worse treatment, you
might go a few points higher.
If it's lower, like he said, only a two.
So you can be sitting there, and you can convert twos.
You like the fruit example, right?
You can convert twos into fruit.
What's a two?
A grape.
A grape.
So twos were the grape, meaning that size upset in us
in your guts.
Does it make sense when you get a phone call like that?
Sure.
If you have the competition, you're not even got a grape,
do you?
Oh, I might win this one.
See, because everybody gets together
at the end of the weekend, they tell their worst story,
and they get to act it out.
Wouldn't that be fun?
You can turn things around so that these things are
kind of fun sometimes.
Next question.
Tom, I have a bunch of employees at work,
and I'm going to be buying some new equipment.
How can I use this system to get people
to buy into the new equipment that we're
going to be working with?
You mean you're going to get different equipment than you
have now?
Different equals?
Change.
Which is equals wrong to the horse, right?
All right, the way I would do it?
All right, I would say, bring me in
and have me teach this seminar to all your people.
OK?
And if you can't afford that, then get the video,
and you train them on it.
And then you walk them through what's likely going to happen.
So the event coming up that we predict his people's play one,
new equipment, right?
What's the horse say about new equipment?
No, we don't like it.
Too much work.
Won't work.
Buy the dummy picket.
Mm, mm, mm.
Right?
Very upset and rat, and the behavior of resisting it.
OK?
That's play one.
How would we like them to think about getting
the new equipment?
Well, again, so it's the same.
The A, the D sub A in play two is the same.
Getting new equipment.
OK?
How would we like their horse to think
about getting the new equipment?
Right?
Yeah, it's going to be some work, right?
Got to be.
But do we have to witch about the work?
No, we don't have to witch about the work.
Right.
Would we like it if we knew the machines that quickly?
Sure.
All right, how high are you going?
E.
All right, see, now I can do it.
I got what?
Magic.
I can make all his employees not have
to do any come up to speed.
See, that's what the horse don't like.
It don't like the work you have to do to come up to speed.
Now, after they're there and using the equipment for about
how long?
Six months at the most, right?
Who knows it now?
Now try to change it.
Oh, no, we like this new stuff.
Right?
See?
But it's that transition period.
All right, and that's the same with George drinking.
That we get them to look down the road
as to how they're going to be viewing this down the road.
And it'll be the horses will get used to it.
And at a certain point, they'll like it.
But if we don't get them to see that when the equipment is
coming, then you're going to get all that typical.
They get together in little groups.
And some of them try to show you that it was stupid to buy
this equipment.
By doing what?
Taking a long time to learn it.
Making a lot of mistakes.
We'll teach Tim to change things around here.
We'll make it so that everybody screws up.
The orders are wrong.
It'll be so caught, he'll never do it again.
Those types of things.
But that's unless you get their riders to understand why they
would be resisting in the short while when the equipment comes
and how to challenge those thought patterns, OK?
And change them.
They're going to do their no, because horses are what?
Horses.
They just do their same thing over and over and over again.
And if you don't do anything to try to interweave and head them
off at the pass, then they're going to be the same way
they've always been.
And in six months, they won't be resisting it that much anymore.
And so it's an unpleasant six months.
But maybe using this approach, you could cut that resistance
down.
You always try to do three things,
whether it's your own horse being out doing things you don't like
or other people.
You try to get a decrease in the frequency in which the horse
goes out.
You try to get a decrease in the duration
that the horse stays out.
And you try to get a decrease in the imprint in the hoofs marks
or the intensity of the horse being out.
You can't ever get it to what?
Zero, because we're not perfect.
But you can certainly take a shot at reducing the frequency
that your horse is out, reducing the duration that it stays out,
and to reduce the intensity of the duration out.
And you might be able to do that with the people that work for you.
It'll take a little work.
This concludes our feature presentation,
Self-Discipline and Emotional Control with Dr. Tom Miller.
In just a moment, we'll have a special bonus excerpt
from one of our most popular programs.
But first, if you would like to share
the benefits of a Career Track seminar with members
of your company or organization, call our on-site department
toll-free at 1-800-325-5854.
And now, here's a bonus excerpt from another Career Track video,
Stress Management for Professionals with Roger Malott.
A technique that I'm going to teach you,
it's a theory I'm going to share here, called the banana theory.
It'll help you take a look at dropping some of these things
that you're holding onto and holding on to some of the things
that you need to hold onto.
The banana theory is a theory to help you with this approval issue.
I'd like you to imagine, this is a true story.
This is how they catch monkeys in India.
They have these bamboo boxes.
And this bamboo box has got a banana on the inside of it.
They take this monkey.
Well, actually, it's a monkey that's, they just
place this bamboo box on the floor of the jungle.
And this monkey comes out of the jungle
and sees this banana inside the box.
The monkey wants the banana.
Now, the bamboo is close together but not touching.
The monkey gradually squeezes his hand through the bamboo,
grabs the banana, but cannot get the banana out.
Bamboo is too close together.
All the monkey has to do is drop the banana, pull its hand out,
and the monkey's free.
And they catch these monkeys holding onto these bananas
all day long.
Can you see the visual?
Here's a monkey sitting next to this bamboo box
with their hand inside.
That's all holding onto this banana.
All they have to do is drop the banana and pull their hand out.
They're free.
Now, approval is one of the bananas
that each of us, at one time or another, gets caught holding.
You want someone's approval so much,
you literally violate yourself to get it.
You do things that you hate doing
to try to get their approval.
Now, I see this especially in companies
where we have a decision maker, a person that's
in a position where they need to make decisions, that's
also a vacillator.
They're not a good decision maker.
They vacillate more because they're
afraid of making the wrong decision.
Why?
What happens if they make the wrong decision?
Someone won't like them.
And they don't want to not be liked,
so they end up making no decisions at all.
And because approval is such a primary value
in this particular person's fabric,
they make no decisions at all.
And it creates great chaos inside companies.
If you've ever worked for a non-decision maker, someone
who's really addicted to approval,
it's very exasperating.
Also, we see inside companies where somebody gets away
with whatever they want, and they get away
with whatever they want because the person in charge
is not willing to implement the consequence to this one person.
Let's just look at it this way.
You've got 10 people working inside this office.
Nine people are playing by the rules.
One person's not.
And after a while, the nine people
that are playing by the rules start to question,
why should I play by the rules when
this person who's not playing by the rules
is suffering absolutely no consequence?
Now, after a while, the nine people in that company
start getting upset with who?
The one person.
The one person that's not doing their job.
But that's not the problem.
The problem is with the person that lets that one person get
away with it.
It's called the artichoke theory, when a lot of times,
you'll just play with those outside leaves.
And if you problem solve the outside leaves of an artichoke,
it's like a dog chasing your own tail.
You just feel like you're going around in a circle.
The heart of the artichoke, the key problem in this case,
is the supervisor.
It's not the person that's not doing their job.
And yet, a lot of us spend great deal of energy
focusing on the person not doing their job.
If you would like to share the benefits of a CareerTrack
seminar with members of your company or organization,
call our on-site department toll free at 1-800-325-5854.
For a free catalog containing all of CareerTrack's audio
and videotape programs, or to order additional copies
of the workbook, please call 1-800-334-1018.
Thanks for watching.