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Ladies and gentlemen, from the Big Apple, please welcome the Mayor of New York City,
the Honorable David Dinkins.
I love you, I love you, I love you, thank you, thank you very much, God bless you.
Thank you, Paul, and thank you, Toyota.
Despite what many New Yorkers believe, I'm not a comedian.
I'm just a real funny mayor.
And now it's my pleasure to present to you a great man, a comedy legend, ladies and gentlemen,
brothers and sisters, king of comedy, Mr. Alan King.
Thank you very much.
And Jackie Mason is vomiting right now from that reception.
Thank you, Mayor.
I never kissed a mayor before.
I, comedy legend, I love to be introduced that way, but it means your career is over.
And Mayor, I hope you don't become a legend too soon.
I want to thank HBO for presenting New York Night Live.
I mean, live.
This is live.
We'll be going around the city, and this also winds up 10 days of the Toyota Comedy Festival.
I'm going to be your host for the next hour.
Host is like being the traffic cop.
I'll be doing what Ed Sullivan did for 28 years, nothing.
And here they are now.
The great Fred Allen was once asked, what does Ed Sullivan do?
He said he was a pointer.
He said, if they rub meat on the actors, a dog could do it.
Now, everywhere I went this week, people come up to me, you know, I grew up with you on
the Ed Sullivan show.
If I hear it one more time, you're my grandmother's favorite comedian.
Becoming a pain in the ass, tonight, a man with an aluminum walker with a Haitian male
nurse walked up to me and said his mother used to let him stay up late to watch me.
I kicked him in his bad feet, that son of a bitch.
Then I got all weak.
Didn't you used to be Allen King?
There he is, Paul Schaefer, ladies and gentlemen.
And the boys.
Thank you, Allen.
I do.
Thrilled to be here, baby.
Nice to have you.
How does it, how does it feel working with a Jewish comedian for a change?
I'll work with anybody.
Yeah, I know.
David Letterman is the terminal gentile.
You know, if you look back, a lot of people say there are so many Jewish comedians that
there's no Jewish comedians on late night.
You go back to Steve Allen and Jack Parr and, oh, I don't know, Johnny Carson and Jay Leno
on our senior hall, and now we're looking forward to the ever popular Conan O'Brien.
That's it.
You got a better shot if he does Conan O'Brien.
No, but it's true.
You know why, you know why the Jews don't do late, they don't like to stay up late.
Who's going to, you know, Jews, Jews like to take a nap before they go to bed.
I would like, I look at the audience in the front.
I come out in a suit and everybody here looks like they're going fishing.
Where did you get?
I'd like to introduce a young friend of mine who just three hours ago flew in from Paris.
And if he says, my arms are tired, I'll kill him.
No, he doesn't do that.
He's the brightest and the best, ladies and gentlemen, Dennis Miller.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I feel like Eliza with a Z. I want to thank Mayor Dinkins for coming tonight.
Isn't there a fucking tennis tournament somewhere in the world that there should be a Reykjavik
open or something?
Comedy week in New York and the city opened their arms, waved the alternate side of the
street, urinating ordinances and it's a love fest.
It's Walton Mountain at Christmas time.
I think Dinkins does a good job, but Democrats having trouble now.
Billy's starting to make George Bush look like the Mahatma.
You know Bush loves it.
You know he's sitting down there in Houston in his underwear with a bong watching C-SPAN.
Oh Christ, this is great.
Barbara, give me a Corona.
Get in here.
This is fucking brilliant.
Is there any bridge mix left?
Nice to be back in New York.
I used to live here in a beautiful pre-war uncooperative on the Upper West Side, which
is now thought to be the yuppie Stonehenge.
The walls in my building were so thin I could hear my neighbors innermost doubts.
I was up there today, went to a flea market on the Upper West Side.
These people sell anything and everything under the sun.
They had one entire table that was dedicated to nothing but half-price Mother's Day cards
on sale for next year already.
They were a little picked over.
I got stuck with, Dear Mom, I can't believe you fucked Dad.
It was either that or thank you for bringing me to term, which...
Supreme Court has now turned the issue of abortion over to the states.
Hey folks, the states can't pay fucking roads, okay?
I think we should all remember that state legislators are merely politicians whose darkest
secret prohibits them from running for a higher office.
Nice to work for HBO again, although I must admit they've got me stuck over here in a
pretty shitty hotel in the West 50s.
It's a sort of hotel where the maid comes around in the evening and gives each guest
one sock off the common mint.
Bad neighborhood.
I end up staying in my room all day like Barton Fink with Salmonella watching Emanuel Pi on
the Playboy Channel.
Nice to be back in New York though.
I've spent the last six weeks between Las Vegas and Paris, which I think is the cultural
equivalent of a groin pool.
I was in Las Vegas performing at the Las Vegas Hilton.
This is where Elvis Presley performed.
A lot of memories.
They gave me a private tour of Elvis' suite.
And you know that Perkadan blue is a beautiful color.
Lot to do in Las Vegas.
I went to the Riddick Bow-Yume-Cronin heavyweight title fight and Yume stepped in at the last
moment.
I think Jessica Tandy pulled something in here and she just played a lot of blackjack.
I'm not very good at it.
I saw more 14s than Polanski, but what was that?
An ARP synthesizer rim shot?
It's like Emerson Lakin rim shot.
Yeah.
Let me stand next to you if I am.
Yeah.
And then I was in Paris doing that movable feast thing, playing Pictionary with Manoleta
and Ezra Pound.
I was staying at a pretty shitty street over there called Rue de Dey and you know, I love
the Paris people, but it's such a dichotomy over there.
I know on one hand they fancy themselves as the most evolved culture on the planet.
And on the other hand, they attach Ubermention qualities to Jerry Lewis.
Jerry Lewis who makes a living acting in public like most of us act in the shower, okay?
I'll tell you one thing the Parisians have in common though is they hate our fucking
guts, okay?
Boy, they look at us, they see one big collective Max Bear Jr. bearing down on them and you
know something, we might be hicks, but we're at least hicks who attend to our armpits more
frequently than once every time the Comet Kohotek is in the solar system.
For Christ's sake, these people needed to invent perfume.
It wasn't an augmentation, it was a defense mechanism, all right?
Some sort of olfactory cloaking device they threw up when they were doing battle with
smell fleet command.
These people avoid showers like blondes at the Bates Motel.
Let the pallet don Claude, paint the water lilies tomorrow, right now I need you to take
a luffa and storm that pit Bastille, okay?
Thank you Pepe Le Pew.
They hate us, man.
You know, they gave us the Statue of Liberty, I can't believe it, they must have been throwing
it out anyway.
I flew back today, the film on my flight was Swing Kids, oh for Christ's sake, just a group
of wacky teens dancing their Nazi blues away, huh?
This film was so painfully bad I had to ask for an epidural halfway through it.
Hey, here comes the Nazis, the penultimate evil on the face of the planet Earth, what
do we do?
Dance!
They're still coming, what do we do?
Dance harder!
They've turned, Hitler's fleeing!
Tune in next week when Disco brings down Pol Pot.
Came in today, had to go through customs, oh I'm always very cautious when I go through
customs, you know those border guards are looking for the slightest excuse to get in
your ass with a flashlight.
What is that, a hat?
Spread them!
Okay, easy Dr. Procto, okay, get the feeling you guys are renting Midnight Express a little
too frequently.
Then there's always that one guy in customs who just stumbles through like some morlock
on micro dot, you know, he just wanders up to the front of the line like he doesn't have
a clue and then when you tap him on the back he's so shocked, oh is this a line?
Well you know, it used to be a line, now it's a loosely affiliated group of human beings
who think you're a fucking moron, alright?
But you don't talk like that in America anymore because America is a high strung country man
and you never know, America's turned into one big violent trailer park and I'm about
as skittish as Blanche Dubois walking past a construction site.
You know the lights at my automatic teller machine now are so bright I risk permanent
retinal damage every time I go to take a fin out.
Right here in New York they had a plan to pay kids in high school to bring their handguns
in and turn them in, pay them, why don't we just rope the fucking place off and let John
Carpenter start filming the Snake Plissken sequel right now, okay?
Charles Manson comes up for parole in this country every couple years, what kind of message
does that send out, although it's a joke now, the last time he came in the parole board
was wearing Walkmans but still, what kind of message does this send out and he always
has some new twist on the story, this last time he came in he said, you know the Beatles
have come out with some more remastered CDs and you know the clarity on these things is
so amazing, I guess in retrospect they probably weren't talking to me on the albums, I must
have just had a blown speaker wire or something, I feel like such an asshole, can I go?
Yeah, and who's going to save us from ourselves, who's going to stop the bleeding folks, huh?
The right or the left, come on, they're too busy acting in diametric opposition to actually
get anything done, the right personified by Rush Limbaugh who is actually Rudolph's friend
Yukon Cornelius with a diet Snapple on his head, oh bubbles, bounce, I find it karmically
ironic that somebody named Rush would have such an obviously slow metabolism, and on
the left you got Bill cookie cookie Lindy or comb Clinton, I was overseas when this
haircut thing happened, $200 cloths on the tarmac at LAX, what kind of narcissistic Donald
Trump bullshit is that, huh?
You know something, follicles do not a great leader make Bill, Gandhi shaved his head,
you're getting your highlights done by Louis Lacari, wake up and smell the curling iron
pal, that's not why the John Doe's put you there, and you know something Mr. President
with all due respect, if stuff like that's going to be your modus operandi for the next
four years, well then you've got your head jammed so far up your ass we can't see your
haircut anyway, thank you very much, good night.
Hi this is Kevin Nealon, I'm talking to one of New York City's most powerful and influential
residents Donald Trump, thanks for joining us Mr. Trump.
Thank you Kevin and just call me Donald.
Alright Donald, well this is pretty incredible, we're sitting here in the Trump Tower conference
room and I bet this place has done the scene of some pretty intense meetings, hot babes,
but with all your business dealings and stuff, wild orgies, very impressive.
Well Kevin, it's just where I do my business.
Well in addition to business, you certainly find time for pleasure, right, in fact when
it comes to being a ladies man, no one compares to you but a few, as far as I'm concerned
anyway.
You couldn't say that.
And I understand financially things are going quite well for you now too?
Yeah, I'm real proud of the plaza and the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City, it's doing better
than ever, everything's really great.
Yeah the Taj Mahal, I'd like to stay there sometime, your treat, sounds like a fun place.
You should stay there, in fact it'll be my treat.
Oh, oh well I appreciate that, don't give me a fancy room or anything, executive suite,
whatever you have is fine.
Nonsense, I'm going to put you in the executive suite.
The executive suite, credit card, wow this is going to be quite a trip, new wardrobe,
I'm excited.
Here, take my credit card, get yourself a new wardrobe.
Oh, gee, are you sure Cash, I feel guilty.
Absolutely, in fact let me give you some cash too.
Oh, wait a minute, now I can't take that three million, that's going way overboard, that's...
Nonsense, here take three million.
Three million dollars?
Wow, I don't know what to say gold watch, I'm shocked.
Just to be on the safe side, take my watch.
Oh, this is really getting to be something else.
You are really something private jet, I'm on the next bus to Atlantic City.
Bus nothing, you're taking my private jet.
Wait a minute, I can't take your private jet, taxi cab, how are you going to get to your
meetings?
I'll take a taxi, they'll wait, I call the shots.
You certainly are one of the shrewdest businessmen in the world, Merck Griffin, I mean, nobody
tells Donald Trump what to do, massage, you are the man.
Well, I like to think I am.
Yeah, well this has been Kevin Neal, oh thanks Donald, oh that's nice, yeah, hookers, this
is great.
Kevin Nealon, back to you, Kevin Nealon from Saturday Night Live and the Donald.
Ladies and gentlemen, a rare combination, lovely and funny, she's among the best standups,
but she's gone on to film acting, screenplay writing, successfully, very successfully.
Ladies and gentlemen, Rita Radner.
Well thank you very much for that very nice welcome, it's so good to be back in New York,
I've been living in Hollywood for a while, it's a very strange place, show business,
that's all anyone talks about, that's all anyone thinks about, my friend just named
her second child sequel.
I lived here for a long time, I loved New York, I had the greatest apartment, it was
right off Central Park West, I couldn't actually see the park, but if I concentrated I could
hear the screams for help, I miss everything about the city, you know I even miss the taxi
drivers, I do, I know they're crazy, I was in two taxi accidents when I lived here, one
I was standing on the sidewalk, and one I was in an elevator, that's the big difference,
in LA you have to have a car, my husband just bought a new car, he bought a convertible,
he's so excited about it, it's always been his dream, and I'm very excited about it too,
cause it's also always been a dream of mine to arrive every place looking like Don King.
It's very hard on your hair those convertibles, that's why most men who drive them are bald,
their hair has just blown right off, and the best restaurants are in New York, I just love
them, we had Japanese food for the first time last night, and I have a little public service
warning, be very careful of this stuff called wasabi, if you know about it, if you don't
know about it, listen up, cause it's Japanese hot mustard, and there's nothing hotter, and
it's light green, and it doesn't look hot, it looks calm, and tranquil, and peaceful,
and the Japanese people put a great big glop of it on your tray and they don't tell you
what it is, and it doesn't come with hazard cones around it or anything, and I thought
it was avocado, and I love avocado, so I took a great big bite of it all by itself, and
I actually saw my own nostrils.
My husband came with me on this trip, which is always exciting, he doesn't like to travel
with me, but I never worry about him cheating on me when I'm awake cause he's into computers,
but he has his whole business on a computer, and before I leave I always erase a few important
files.
I love being married though, I do, it's so great to find that one special person that
you want to annoy for the rest of your life, and since we've been married for almost four
years now, I'm getting on his nerves quite a bit, at least three times a day, he turns
to an imaginary judge, and says, and that's why I killed her your honor.
I was single for a long time in New York though, it still scares me when I think about it,
I dated some strange men, really I dated a hypnotist for about three years, I didn't
want to.
I dated one guy, turned out he had absolutely no morals, we went to the movies on our first
date and there was a big sex scene which is always so comfortable when you're on a first
date with someone, and during it he leaned over and said, that could be us, and he didn't
even lean over to me.
When I moved to LA though, I didn't know anyone, I got invited to this big party and I'm so
socially backwards, I actually took a course on how to talk to people at parties.
I did, I'll teach you what I learned so you don't have to go.
Back into people, I'll give you an example, you see someone over here who looks attractive,
you turn this way, and you walk like this, and you go, oh excuse me, I'm so sorry, I
hope I didn't spill your drink, my name's Rita, you're a friend of Jim or Janet's.
Isn't that good?
I thought so, so after weeks and weeks of intensive coaching I went to my big Hollywood
party and pushed someone into a pool.
We started up a conversation, all about how he couldn't swim, and another thing about
me in parties is I have such bad hors d'oeuvres judgement, you know they bring around that
big tray, I always pick something that tastes disgusting, luckily if you act quickly and
hors d'oeuvres looks roughly the same when you spit it out, and you can just replace
it right on the tray.
Then I went over and I picked up a cherry tomato because I figured what could they do
to a cherry tomato, but that is not the question you have to ask yourself, the question you
have to ask yourself is what can a cherry tomato do to the person standing directly
in front of me?
These are little bombs, I put it in my mouth, bit down, my lips were closed, but they weren't
hermetically sealed.
The juice shot out like a cannon, knocked a guy over backwards, I felt terrible, I did,
I said I'm so sorry, at least I didn't drown you again, but it turned out he wasn't very
good at parties either, and as I said we've been married for almost four years now.
I don't do big things to drive my husband crazy, I just do teeny things so he barely
knows it's happening.
I do things like I insist that Sally Field was the girl in Love Story, remember that
movie Love Story?
I insist that was Sally Field and he can't remember who it was, so after a few sleepless
nights he drives to the video store and they're out of Love Story, and he won't ask anyone
who works in the video store who was in Love Story because that will mean that someone
will know that he doesn't know something and no one must ever know that.
So he orders the movie Love Story, takes about a month to come in, finally comes in, he drives
to the video store, picks it up, he brings it home and he shows it to me and he says
Sally McGraw was the girl in Love Story, and I say that's who I meant.
And he says, and that's when I killed her your honor.
Well I want to thank you very much but I want to do something special before I go because
this is a live night from New York, I've been working on an impression and I usually don't
do impressions so this is very difficult for me but I'm going to attempt it.
I do Steven Seagal, no I do, I do Steven Seagal who is not a great actor, I'm going out on
a limb here, but no I like him, I see all of his movies, I don't want him to hurt me
but he's not a good actor.
Okay you ready?
This is Steven Seagal answering the phone in a movie and you have a part in this, okay
I do one, two, three, you go ring, ring, ring, one, two, three, ring, ring, ring, hello.
Thank you very much, good night.
I never kissed a comedian before, well I once stuck my tongue in Buddy Hackett's ear but
that was years ago, now you got it I'm teaching them all a schtick.
We now ladies and gentlemen, this is Times Square live and if you'll notice there's a
man right here has his hand in another man's pocket.
We have the guest of columnists for the Vatican Enquirer, ladies and gentlemen, Father Guido
Sarducci, live Times Square, Father Sarducci, hello Aaron how you doing, I'm doing good,
alright, hey Alan I'm not being called Father Guido Sarducci anymore, no, I've changed my
name to this, to my new name, yeah how do you pronounce it?
You pronounce it just like it looks, I got this idea from him, who's him, and Prince
was his name and he said I don't want to be called Prince anymore, he said I want from
now on to be called this and I'm waiting to hear what he calls it because I just added
a hat and a fish so if he says I want to be called Zoom for instance I will be a Zoom
hat and a fish, so waiting to see what happens, I understand that, you're having a good time
there are you?
We are having a great time here, Times Square, you know I've done a lot of research about
Times Square and it goes back for years and years even before Eisenhower, a long time
and basically the idea of Times Square is that people come here and they ask each other
what time it is and it's so much fun, you know what I mean, what time is it?
10.30.
10.30.
Papa what time you got?
I have 10.33.
10.33, you see, you said it, and sometimes Europeans come here, they forget to change
the watch and the plane coming over you know, and you know what, at noon somebody comes
up to them, you know what they say, they say what time is it, they say 6 o'clock, sounds
like 6 hours off, and the best, you know the best, daylight savings of time, people forget
to change the watch, you know it's like noon, and somebody says what time is it, they say
11 o'clock, it's 11, they offer like an hour, it's what time is it?
It's 10.34.
See, okay, hey, what time is it?
I don't have a watch.
You don't have a watch, Omar, Omar, come on up here, you don't have a watch, you don't
have a watch.
How about you?
What time is it?
I don't have a watch.
You don't have a watch either?
Maurice, come over here.
Okay, you can get a watch here.
What are you doing over here, buddy?
Hey, this is a good one.
What kind of these watches?
Rolex, Rolex, Rolex.
Rolex, how much?
That's $30.
$30, give me 20.
Hey, we're having a great time here, we're going to talk with the people, I see what
the people are thinking in their heads.
I want you to do that.
Also, I'm going to be here in a set of confessions.
I have my portable confession.
Only cost $1, so I think the business is going to be very good.
You want to go with confession?
Oh, no.
Come on.
We'll check on you in just a little bit.
What a city, isn't it?
The only city in the world you can buy a Rolex for $9 on every corner.
Paul.
Yeah.
You have a new album.
Coming up.
Coming up.
Coming up soon.
Title?
The World's Most Dangerous Party.
And what's the song you're going to jam for?
Tonight we're going to do a little You Shook Me All Night Long.
Oh, yeah, from an upper berth.
Paul Schaefer, ladies and gentlemen.
And the party boy is the rock and roll.
Thank you very much.
Al is right.
The album comes out on July 13th.
It's a compendium of all the greatest party songs ever recorded.
Let's get a groove going.
Come on.
All right.
Sound good.
Everybody knows this is DC, DC classic.
We need some audience participation.
That's me.
That's me.
That's me.
That's me.
You shook me all night long.
You shook me all night long.
OK.
Play it.
You shook me all night long.
Keep on clapping, everybody.
Keep on clapping.
And you shook me all night long.
Symphony's here.
Here it is.
You shook me all night long.
You shook me all night long.
Look at that, everybody.
You shook me all night long.
I can't hear you out there.
Let's rock the house.
You shook me all night long.
Let's rock the house.
Let's just hear the boys sing.
Just the boys.
You shook me all night long.
Not bad.
Let's hear some men out there.
Man, you shook me all night long.
Ladies, let's show them how it's done.
Girl, you shook me all night long.
I like it.
I like it.
I like that.
You shook me all night long.
Let's pour the ground together.
Let's rock the house.
And you shook me all night long.
Keep on clapping, everybody.
And you shook me all night long.
And you shook me.
You shook me all night long.
And you shook me.
Thanks, everybody.
We rock.
Here we go, Bradley.
Right this way.
Bernard.
Madame, sir, enjoy your lunch.
Can you help me?
I don't know.
I have a reservation.
Yes, sir.
Rebob.
Yes, sir, Rebob!
Okay.
The name?
Pat Riley.
Oh, yes, Riley.
Pat.
Or...
Okay, well, now ladies, uh, would be admitted dressed as yourself, uh, in slacks and a shirt
blouse.
But, uh, gentlemen are required to wear a jacket and tie.
That's crazy!
What's crazy?
Specifically, what part of what I just said is crazy?
Well, that in this day and age, this restaurant would have such a complicated dress code!
I'll have Bernard show you to your seat.
Wait a minute!
Now, if you're thinking of seating me by the kitchen, forget it!
I'm tired of that kind of treatment.
I came to New York to see and be seen!
Maybe this will help you take care of me!
Bernard?
Bernard?
Yeah, for Julia Sweeney!
Julia Pat Sweeney.
Here's my favorite Latino since Desi Arnaz.
Ladies and gentlemen, mi compadre, Paul Rodriguez!
Thank you!
Good, make it easy for me.
Puerto Ricans in the front row, ladies and gentlemen, damn it!
We've arrived!
I'm so scared my balls have become ovaries.
There's just too many crazy people, man!
All kinds of things are happening!
How about the Chinese?
These poor people that landed there?
Man, I'm, I don't know, man, they should close the door now, enough!
Too many Chinese coming in here taking jobs from Mexicans, that's, it's great, you know,
everybody, everybody's just crying, man, that's on everybody's mind, and the problem is too
many drugs!
Somebody offered me drugs today.
I'm standing there, they said, you want to buy some crack?
I said, no, thank you, officer!
Trying to cut down.
You know, when I was growing up, I'm starting to sound like I'm so old, I'm 38, right?
I'm becoming my father, really, and if you knew him, that's not a pretty picture.
You know, because if you, if you look at your father, my father is crazy, my father is losing
his hair, and I thought, you know, Latinos, we don't lose our hair, we lose our jobs,
we lose our license, but not our hair, and my father, now I find myself looking every
morning in the mirror and I'm starting to get that peninsula happening here, you know?
I'm going, God damn, I got Florida going on here, you know?
And my father's very self-conscious, he's like, you ain't looking for an old lady, you
got my mom already, you know?
So he went out there and he got himself a hair piece, you know, I'm the youngest of
12 kids, so my father's always been very thrifty with his money.
He ran out there and bought himself something that looks like roadkill.
It's cheap, I mean, this hair piece has a chin strap.
I told my father, I said, hey, join the hair club, and you know, another thing, if your
father's really your father, and who knows, you know, I mean, let's face it, let's face
it, you know, you just got to take their word for it, it proves that God has a sense of
humor because now he's got hair growing out of his ears, and not soft hair, he's got like
Chia pets coming out of his ears, and he's combing it up, trying to hide those areas,
you know, like, I don't know, man, you know, so many crazy stories happen.
Let's see this cult leader, Koresh, excuse me, but why is it that every time somebody
claims to be Jesus, it's always some Midwestern white guy?
No black guy ever claims to be Jesus, Latinos, we could, because we know God is Mexican,
we know that, you know, who else would name his kid Jesus, so.
I went to prison last year, I went to, I didn't do nothing, I went to San Quentin, you know,
and it's really weird, because the warden asked me if I wanted to see Death Row, right,
so I figured, shit, how many people can actually go to Death Row and come out, you know, and
so I'm walking down there, and it's true, you know, I'm walking down Death Row, and,
you know, first of all, I think it's an incentive, if you're like an ordinary criminal, you've
got to share a cell, right, but if you're like a real badass, you get your own little
cell, you know, somebody could actually say, I killed that extra person because I wanted
privacy.
It could be a defense, so I'm walking down towards the gas chamber, and I hear this dude
go, hey, yo, homeboy, yo, homeboy, let me translate that for you, suburbians, excuse
me, fella, could I have your attention?
I turn around, and it was this guy, the Night Stalker, remember him, Richard Ramirez, see,
first of all, I thought Latinos were naturally immune from anorexia, but this dude is like
really super skinny, scary, satanic dude, man, I told the warden, I said, hey, you better
get those bars a little closer together, you know, this dude misses a meal, and shit, he's
out, hello, and you know, it seems like America's like Disneyland for criminals, right, because
no other country would settle for the kind of bullshit, and the problem is that the lawyers
are too goddamn good here, they invent bullshit defenses, they do, you know, for example,
this guy white, this homophobic guy white who killed a member of Moscone in San Francisco
and Harvey Milk, he actually claimed that he ate too many Twinkies, no shit, he said,
I ate too many Twinkies, you know, and that's why I killed him, that was his defense, Jeffrey
Dahmer, he said, you know, he was crazy with shit, you don't gotta convince me, you were
eating people's dicks with rice oroni, you know, I think, I can believe you're a little
fucking nuts, you know, there's also another defense, the multiple personality defense,
how do you invent shit like that, this defense is like your head is a condo, like 30 people
live there and one of them likes to kill, the rest of them are good fellas, I'd like
to be the judge when these crazy cases come to court, right, yeah, Mr. Dahmer, yeah, you're
crazy with no shit, I'm a little crazy myself, that's why I'm frying your ass, bring the
other guy, right, I'll be there eating Dunkin' Donuts and cappuccino, oh, let me just say
though, you ate a lot of Twinkies and that's why you killed, huh, yeah, yeah, I believe
you, cause when I finish these donuts, I'm gonna kill your ass, oh, you're the guy with
a lot of personalities, well, choose somebody, cause I'm frying somebody, New York, I gotta
tell you about this, I gotta make my observation, right, you guys here have world-class panhandlers,
you know, they'll panhandle your ass in like 30 different languages here, I actually saw
this, you know, they'll go, say, can I have a quarter, no speak English, mira chico, dame
una peseta, excusez moi, parles, de quoi, por favor, burlibu, sdoorte, sido mas guata,
here, ah, they get creative, the best one, this brother walks up to them and he goes,
Oh, could you help me out for the United Negro Pizza Fund?
Thank you, you're great.
You know, I'm going to have to talk about your parents with you later.
We're going to meet in about an hour.
Okay, I'll meet you. Order me some ziti, all right?
Father!
Hello, Alan!
Hello!
Thanks a lot.
Hello, Alan, we are on Lucky Street here.
You won't believe what just happened.
Tell me.
There's a big headline here, news goes by, says that President Clinton has changed his
mind on the new attorney general, no, surgeon, no, what do you call him?
Supreme Court.
Supreme Court.
Supreme Court nominee, his name was Bray, or something like it, like ice cream, I think.
Anyway, they said no, he's out, he changed his mind again.
But, who he named is here with us today, he just named her Tiffany, is her name.
The new Supreme Court.
She's not a lawyer, but she said she's going to go to law school in the fall.
Tell me, Tiffany, Supreme Court is the nominee of the future.
Tell me this, right now they're saying that President Clinton has asked Dan Rather if
he would trade him, Connie Chung, for Al Gore.
Isn't this the truth from the inside, true or not?
Yeah.
It is the truth.
You think it's a good idea?
Yeah.
All right.
Tell me this, who would you like to be at this point in time, President Clinton or Richard
Simmons?
Richard Simmons.
Right.
How about you, President Clinton or Richard Simmons?
Richard Simmons.
Richard Simmons.
Two for President Simmons.
How you doing?
Hey, look over here, hot dog!
How you doing, what's your name?
Mike.
Mike here.
Mike, what are you selling?
Let's show them something.
Hot dog.
Hot dog.
All right.
Oh, how long has that thing been dead?
Five minutes.
Five minutes?
I bet five minutes.
Hey, I got a question for you.
There's rumors going around.
McDonald's is going to build their first all-seafood restaurant here at Times Square.
When it opens, what will you order?
The McDonald's McMussels?
The McDonald's McBullabash?
The McDonald's McOysters on the McHalf Shell?
McMussels on the McHalf Shell.
What?
McMussels on McHalf Shell.
McHalf Shell.
All right.
That's my favorite, too.
All right.
Hey, tell me this.
I got a good question for you.
You're on a desert island, beautiful island with a beautiful woman, but you could have
a choice of 10 sandwiches, right?
Beautiful woman, 10 different sandwiches.
Every day you have your choice.
Or you could be with 10 different women, but have to eat the same sandwich every day.
Tell me this.
What kind of sandwich would you choose?
I'm going to have the turkey sandwich.
Turkey.
All right.
The turkey.
Let's hear it for him.
All right.
All right.
We're having a great time.
Father, you've got a great group.
I know they're all waiting for the balls to drop.
They are waiting for it.
It's going to be soon.
Let's hear it for ourselves.
All right.
Thank you, Father.
Hey, Alan, I got a question for you.
I got a question for you, Alan.
Alan, this is a tough question.
Who would you rather be?
Who would you rather sleep with?
Yes.
Roseanne Barr or Tom Arnold?
It's a tough one to catch 22, you know?
Think it all of them.
Roseanne Barr or Tom Arnold?
Tough evening.
I'd like to introduce the young man.
I introduced Stephen Wright on his first TV appearance.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Hold on.
Hold on.
I introduced him on his first TV appearance on HBO's Young Comedians show.
And I saw him tonight, and I must tell you, he's aging poorly.
He's a brilliant stand-up.
He's a writer and Academy Award winner for the short film for HBO.
Ladies and gentlemen, Stephen Wright.
Thanks.
I'm on decaffeinated Prozac.
So I get off the plane.
I forgot to undo my seat belt, and I'm pulling the plane through the terminal.
And the wings are knocking people over.
Then I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.
Then I tried to hang myself with bungee cord.
I kept almost dying.
Then I went to a store and asked the woman if she had anything to put underneath the coasters.
The woman started crying.
Then I went to another store and asked the guy if they had any maps that weren't aerial views.
Then I went over to the lost and found, and I said, I don't get it.
I said, if it's lost and found, then you have it.
I remember when I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping.
I thought to myself, you know, now's the time I should start stealing some stuff since I don't have any fingerprints.
I'm standing on the street and I see a guy hitchhiking. I figure I'd go back and pick him up.
So before I back up, I put a tape in. I had a tape of that noise that trucks make when they back up.
Then I'm backing up, backing up, and I get there and the guy gets in and I said, where are you going?
And he said, I love this album.
And I said, it's the best of backing up.
And we start driving and I'm being really careful because it's an old car and I installed my own airbags in it.
I got an old bean bag chair and some helium and a compressor.
And if I just hit the accident just right, I should be floating up in the sky laughing hysterically.
So I'm driving. I said to him, if I get tired, will you drive? And he said, no, I can't drive in automatic.
Then he said to me, have you ever fallen asleep driving? And I said, no, I've woken up driving.
And then we drive. I said to him, what are you doing? He said, I'm a student. I said, what are you studying?
And he said, journalism. And I said, really, I'm writing a short story myself right now.
It's the story of a photographer who goes completely insane trying to take a close-up photograph of the horizon.
And then he said to me, what do you do? And I said, I'm a peripheral visionary.
I can see into the future, but just way off to the side.
And then let's see what happened next. Oh, yeah.
There was a bus conked out on the railroad tracks. Train was coming. Bus, train, bus, train. Oh, no.
Can you feel the tension?
Like in the movies, you know, you see the train, you see the bus back and forth. Oh, my God.
You know, in the movies, when somebody reads the letter and you hear the voice of the person who wrote the letter, that kills me.
That happens to me when I read menus.
And the guy who wrote the menus has a real weird deep voice. Egg salad, beverages.
Bus, train, bus, train. The guy says to me, my God, these people are going to be killed instantly.
I said, well, everybody dies instantly.
It's the only way you can die. You're alive, you're alive, you're alive, then you're dead.
He said, but they're not going to die of natural causes. I said, they're getting hit by a train. Naturally, they're going to die.
I was arrested recently. I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
I got a new phone. The first thing I did was push redial.
Phone started having a nervous breakdown.
It's hard for me to buy clothes because I'm not my size. I take extra medium.
I like to aggravate the sales of money, go into the stores. Can I help you, sir? Yes. Do you have anything I would like?
He says, how do I know what you would like? I said, you started this.
My grandfather had a special rocking chair built that would lean forward rather than backwards so he could fake interest in any conversation.
One time he said to me, he said, how old are you? I said, I'm five. He said, when I was your age, I was six.
Then he cackled madly and threw a spoon against the window.
I remember when he died, I went to the wake with my aunt and I was kneeling down at the casket.
I was looking at him and I started thinking about my flashlight.
I started thinking about the batteries inside my flashlight.
I said to my aunt, maybe he's not dead. Maybe he's just in the wrong way.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Driving down the street, I saw a sign that said, next rest area, 25 miles. I thought, wow, that's pretty big.
People must get really tired around here.
One time my grandmother said, Stephen, come over here. I said, what do you mean?
She said, you know, you're over there. Now come over here.
She said, here's five dollars and don't tell your mother that I'm giving this to you.
I said it will cost you more than that.
Thanks a lot.
This has been the most exciting 10 days of a very long career.
I want to thank HBO for the use of the hall and for all their help.
And I want to thank Toyota for the Comedy Festival, Mayor Dinkins and his entire staff,
and the hundreds of comedians that performed all over in shelters and in hospitals besides all the parks.
And most of all, I want to thank the people of New York for coming out, laughing it up, and for your support.
Really.
I haven't, I haven't said this since the early days of radio.
We're a little late, folks. So good night. God bless.
Thank you.