Next, on Glick.
If Suge Knight hung me out a window, I'd remember.
If Suge Knight hung you out a window, both of y'all would fall out the damn window.
Catch Ice Cube and Brendan Fraser on an all-new episode of Primetime Glick.
Coming up next, only on Comedy Central.
The greatest duos of all time have always come in pairs.
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Now together again for the first time in one awesome collection.
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Do you know anything about the legend of Dr. Satan?
Yeah.
Dr. Satan!
From director Rob Zombie.
Young guy!
Comes a terrifying journey into hell.
House of a Thousand Corpses, rated R, now playing.
Pretty intense, isn't it?
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See yourself sign.
Thanks.
It's good to see you learn to talk without saying hey, hey, hey first.
It's like it is functional family discussion.
That's a popular look in 1982. Shut up.
Except no one's related.
I don't know who just let one go, but it's really pissing me off.
What do you think? What do you think it is?
Tough crowd with Colin Quinn, comedians with issues.
Weeknights after The Daily Show, only on Comedy Central.
Once in a great while, a television show brings the world together.
This is not that show.
Trigger Happy TV, Comedy Central's rapid fire hidden camera reality show, is back.
This is gay and lesbian parking only, all up and down here.
Gay and lesbian parking? Yep.
New cities, new cast. It's a new episode of Trigger Happy TV, Monday at 10.
Can I ask your sexual orientation, sir?
Yeah, I'm not gay.
I love that fire grill. Citrus thrill. Flavor filled. Chili's is the place for me. I love that special twist. Flavor kissed. Never miss. Chili's is the place to be.
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Got your rig loaded down? Yeah. Yeah, I got produce, supplies, heavy marine equipment. Yeah, we're loaded down alright. Good. Stay strong out there, man. Yeah, I will.
So, who you talking to in here? Oh, another trucker.
The surprisingly accommodating Ford F-150 SuperGru. If you haven't looked at Ford lately, look again.
Hey, Mom. Um, the rat, he looked at me. And then he started to sleep. And then the rat, he looked at me again.
I can't believe I'm getting this emotional over a rat.
Somehow I doubt it's the rat.
Introducing picture mail that talks from Sprint. Share it when it happens.
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One student on the verge of fame. Why is it that everyone you discover seems to be an underage girl?
One school on the edge. These budget cuts were not aimed at Winslow. This will destroy the school.
Just two episodes left this season. Then who undermined me, Scott?
Boston Public, followed by Mr. Personality, Fox Monday.
Fox Monday. Haley and the Masked Men go on their first dates.
Wow. And Mr. Green has a secret agenda.
He's listening to tapes on hypnosis. He started to weird me out.
But is she really falling under his spell?
I think I've forgotten that the cameras are here.
She's thinking what I want her to be thinking.
Mr. Personality continues at 9-8 Central, Fox Monday.
South Park is brought to you by the easy-to-use Nokia 3650 camera phone.
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Self-denial is total for Chef Jimmy of Quiznos.
Hello?
You don't know me, but I hear you're hot.
Is this about the peppers?
Peppers?
Until his search for the perfect peppers leads to the triumph of the ultimate spicy sub.
Everything else must be put on hold.
The Spicy Monterey Club with Chef Jimmy's Three Pepper Chili Sauce.
Toasty.
Tonight at 11, we found all the oil, we found all the trouble, but where are all the weapons of mass destruction?
Stephen Colbert invested guesses, plus John Malkovich.
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart tonight at 11 only on Comedy Central.
You may think it, they'll just say it.
The Internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids.
It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I used to teach my kid the alphabet.
Tough crowd with Colin Quinn, comedians with issues weeknights after The Daily Show only on Comedy Central.
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It's the one ring that says every day is Mother's Day.
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I
Don't enjoy things like I used to I can't sit still I wasn't always like this. I used to be happy
I remember being happy I
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I'm back to being me
Every week Tuesday Declassified explores the thin line between legend and truth
Between rumor and fact
Between suspicion and evidence with rare and never-before-seen documentaries that explore all the mysteries of the unknown
Tuesday Declassified, if you've suspected it, we've investigated it
Tuesday starting at 8 only on Sci-Fi
The unexpected can be planned for. Tires with proven stopping power on the wings of Goodyear
Smoking marijuana impairs your judgement. It's more harmful than we all thought
Friday's new sizzling chicken and cheese for just $8.99. Come get a taste of our new bold flavour
The Simpsons dog has always been one of the family, but in a catastrophe their dog turns chicken
I'd expect this from a French poodle, but not an American dog
The Simpsons, all new, coming up next on Fox
Holy
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AC on. CD play disc four. Find nearest Chinese restaurant
Voice-activated navigation system responds to 180 commands
Order, uh, mooshu pork
That's not one of them
The all-new 240 horsepower Accord from Honda
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My wallet. My credit card was in it
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The Threes Company movie. NBC Monday in two weeks.
Always controversial. Do you think you can act...
Ever-changing. You dated guys just to see if they'd look good standing next to you?
Oh, God. The ultimate pop diva.
Why do you think you are still famous? Why are you asking me the question?
Is it self-promotion? Oh, please. Madonna, next on NBC.
Mr. Watson, come here. I want to see you.
Two years after the telephone was invented, a telephone company was born
125 years of sweat
125 years of building networks
125 years of getting the job done
The fact is, after 125 years, we are just getting started.
Looking back, moving forward.
SBC. Hey, Ed! Oh, well.
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Your chance to fly like a superhero details at 10.
We just stole $35 million worth of gold.
He betrayed his friends.
What are you doing?
I made a few plans of my own.
On May 30th, it's time for payback.
Are you ready?
Yeah!
Mark Wahlberg, Charlize Theron, Edward Norton.
Just blew the element of surprise.
Surprised?
The Italian shot.
Wavy PG-13. Starts Friday, May 30th.
Like sourdough bread, burgers just taste better.
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The sourdough bacon cheeseburger is back at Burger King.
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Keys, keys.
Here we go.
Okay, bye.
Introducing the 270 horsepower Passat W8.
How you use it is entirely up to you.
Last week, my Italian father's wish came true.
He became an American citizen.
When we went to celebrate at Olive Garden, he got the shrimp scampi.
I love shrimp.
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At Olive Garden, you get the shrimp scampi.
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When you're here, you're family.
Lois is watching her weight go up.
Nobody gains a pound a day.
It is baffling.
And guess who's behind it all.
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
You other brothers can't deny.
It's the biggest Malcolm of them all.
Look at this.
I'm looking.
Call me at 9-8 Central tonight on Fox.
Can you hear me now?
Good.
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Hey, guys, Domino's is here.
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It's the heartwarming tale of a boy and his dog.
Or one kid versus the hound from hell.
You're a good dog, aren't you?
Hold the door.
My wife's having a baby.
Who's the dog?
I swear.
The Oliver Beans season finale after Malcolm tonight on Fox.
It's the beauty pageant of the year when Fox puts 51 of the most talented, gorgeous females from across America on one stage.
Get ready to sit up and beg for the first annual Miss Dog Beauty Pageant at 8, 7 Central Fox Thursday.
My friends and I were out in the field in a dial.
We found something.
A circle.
It's another one.
Another circle in the corn.
They're planning some kind of invasion.
They took her.
Oh, God, something's happening.
For the first time anywhere, Stephen Baldwin, Billy Zane.
Silent Warnings, a Sci-Fi Pictures original. Premieres Saturday, May 3rd at 9 on Sci-Fi.
Plastic holds the promise of a better world.
Taking medicine to new heights and giving our lives greater comfort.
It puts the answers in our hands and hope in our hearts.
Plastics make it possible.
Don't sweat it. Time to test it. Just get messed up. Throw your best stuff. Don't sweat it.
Own Babylon 5 Season 2 on DVD.
All fighters open fire, fire at will.
Get all 22 episodes with personnel and alien files, exclusive documentaries and insightful commentaries.
It'll hit space in five minutes.
Babylon 5 Season 2. Own it today on DVD.
Oh, hey, hi. I'm Thicker. Don't mind me. I'm just a dermatophyte. You know, a nail infection.
All I want is to get in here and live under your nail.
You can't get me with clippers or those surface treatments you try on your own. I'm in too deep in your nail bed.
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Your home, your ideas and the freedom to express them.
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Introducing a new sauce specially made for dipping.
Down with the breadsticks, guys.
Hellman's Dippin' Sauce.
Nothing else to eat, guys.
Dip into the Hellman's and bring out the best.
The Pure Water Filter. So easy to install and use, anyone can do it.
Pure Water Filters. Your water should be pure.
Keys. Keys.
Keys.
Here we go.
Okay. Bye.
Introducing the 270-horsepower Passat W8.
How you use it is entirely up to you.
Wednesday on an all-new West Wing. It's only happened twice in our history.
I'm resigning.
A vice president taken down.
How the hell did you do this to us?
By a man on his first day.
You've got to talk to your family now, sir.
Matthew Perry guest stars.
Then on an all-new Lawn Order ripped from the headlines.
$20,000 for kindergarten.
Getting your kid into the right school can be murder.
Hell hath no fury like a mother's scorn.
The West Wing and Lawn Order all-new NBC Wednesday.
NBC Thursday. It's the one show that's been called everything in the book.
How long till they get here?
Now.
Get ready for the episode that will remind you why.
It's my brother. What's going on?
We're taking him to the O.I.
A superb hour of television that lives up to the hype.
We have the ability to save but not the will to do it.
As one man brings an entire hospital together to make a miracle.
An all-new E.R. NBC Thursday.
It was America's favorite comedy but behind the comedy it was all drama.
The Three's Company story, NBC Monday in two weeks.
Introducing the new Kodak EasyShare digital camera and printer dock.
You can just press a button to get real Kodak photos at home without a PC.
Tschuss. Tschuss.
Keys. Keys.
Here we go.
Okay. Bye.
Introducing the 270-horsepower Passat W8.
How you use it is entirely up to you.
It's Taco Bell's cheesy Gordita Crunch.
It's cheesy. It's crunchy. It's chewy.
It's got a taste to satisfy all your cravings.
Sympathy is the key to success.
It's not just about the taste.
It's about the taste.
Sympathy Baines.
To get the cheesy Gordita Crunch think outside the
Police monitoring your speed by plane could be grounded due to budget cuts.
The story at nine.
A decade, you were there for every triumph and heartbreak.
90210 was a beautiful, amazing experience.
Now, in a television event, the cast of 90210 reunites for the first time.
That was a good time. These guys are my best friends.
Be there as they reminisce and share their most cherished memories
from this groundbreaking series.
90210 changed my life.
An all-new special, The Beverly Hills 90210 Reunion.
At 9, 8 Central, next Sunday on FOX.
Whoo-hoo!
You love their movies. You love their TV shows.
Just wait till you see what's really going on inside their heads.
Celebrity Cat Scan, coming this summer.
AC on.
CD, play disc four.
Find nearest Chinese restaurant.
The voice-activated navigation system responds to 180 commands.
Order a mooshu pork.
That's not one of them.
The all-new 240 horsepower Accord from Honda.
Who are you?
I'm God.
Please.
How many fingers am I holding up?
Seven.
Ah-ha!
When you leave this building, you will be endowed with all my powers.
This Memorial Day...
I've got the power!
If you think God works in mysterious ways...
Hey, who's here?
...wait till you see Bruce.
That's what I'll be moving about.
Jim Carrey is Bruce Almighty.
I swear my boobs are bigger.
Rated PG-13, May 23rd.
It's Sonic's 50th birthday,
and you're invited to enjoy a made-to-order Sonic Burger,
always made how you like it after you order it,
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from the place you've loved for generations.
Kraft Cheese Nips, made with 100% real Kraft cheese.
Oh, I love Kraft cheese.
Um, one per person, please.
Oh, okay.
Taste for yourself.
Cheese lovers choose Kraft Cheese Nips.
That's more than one!
As far as allergies go, I'm a ragweed grass cat dander.
Who met a cat person?
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So I asked my doctor about Zyrtec.
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In studies, drowsiness was the most common side effect.
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Ask your doctor about switching to Zyrtec.
Zyrtec. That's Zyrtec.
Lots of allergies, just one Zyrtec.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Laugh it up. You could be next.
Recently, all the winners of the Car and Driver Best Pickup Award
got together for a little reunion.
It's good to see everyone again.
Silverado, the three-time winner,
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Get away from the usual with the new supersampler combo at Long John Silver's,
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On Tuesday, be the first to bring home
Catch Me If You Can on DVD.
Hey!
It's a two-disc set packed with nonstop excitement.
Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hanks in a Steven Spielberg film.
Catch Me If You Can. Own the two-disc DVD Tuesday.
It's great. Yep, me and my butterfly.
We're what you call social creatures.
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Simon, I could tell America I love vanilla coke,
but if it comes from you, America's most notorious critic,
then we've got something.
So, what is your opinion about vanilla coke?
Well, actually, I... Jimmy, show him his opinion.
I love the smooth, intriguing flavour of vanilla coke.
He loves it!
Jimmy, ring the bell. We've got our first celebrity endorsement.
Vanilla coke and diet vanilla coke.
Smooth and intriguing, like we said.
It's good.
In five days, Daddy Daycare is open for business.
Yeah, great.
It's the perfect family film with huge...
huge...
laughs.
He's a cake.
Eddie Murphy, Daddy Daycare.
Rated PG. Opens Friday.
Why would you go to a casual dining restaurant
and spend $32 for a quality meal
when you could go to KFC and get the same thing for half the price?
Get the KFC Family Feast Meal.
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Boxed tonight, Oliver Bean gets the dog...
Scruffles?
...from hell.
You have been very bad.
Besides, we're not allowed to play catch in the house.
Mom says I may break a window.
Oliver Bean, season finale after Malcolm, tonight on FOX.
Tonight first on FOX 11 News at 9.
State police use planes to catch speeders,
but budget cuts may cut out the program.
Now, speeders like the idea,
but what will it mean for safety on our roads?
Grounding State Patrol planes, the story at 9.
Tonight first on FOX 11 News at 9.
Five bucks, five bucks, five bucks, five bucks, five bucks.
Why does he keep saying that?
Must be the amazing five bucks deal from Pizza Hut.
Now, let me finish.
Buy any medium pizza at regular price
and get up to five more for five bucks each.
Five bucks.
Okay, we get the idea.
The best pizza's under...
Five bucks.
...one roof.
I woke up this morning feeling fine
There's something special on my mind
I know I'll find it right here in the neighborhood
Wake up to something good
with any of our three delicious breakfast platters
plus fresh minute-made orange juice.
Hey.
I'm not used to seeing you here this early on a Saturday.
Saturday.
It's the tale of a guy named Zeke
who has come here from Battle Creek
As he walks with his Pepsi can
he is bombed by a stranger's bed
His Pepsi fell, his Pepsi's lost
The joy of life he needs at any cost
The Pepsi's found, the people cheered
For the joy of Pepsi now is here
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba
The joy of Pepsi
Five bucks, five bucks, five bucks, five bucks, five bucks.
Why does he keep saying that?
Must be the amazing five bucks deal from Pizza Hut.
Five bucks.
Now, let me finish.
Buy any medium pizza at regular price
and get up to five more for five bucks each.
Five bucks.
Now, we get the idea.
The best pizza's under...
Five bucks.
One roof.
Spell senility.
S-E-N-I-L-I-T-Y.
No, spell senility.
Another Simpsons is coming up next on Fox.
Lois is watching her weight go up.
Nobody gains a pound a day.
It is baffling.
And guess who's behind it all.
I like big butts and I cannot lie
You other brothers can't deny
It's the biggest Malcolm of them all.
Look at this.
I'm looking.
Baby got back.
All new, 9, 8 Central, tonight on Fox.
For consistent monthly payments on any new Honda motorcycle,
scooter, personal watercraft, or ATV.
So head for your local Honda dealer today.
And remember, it's not just a deal.
It's a straight deal.
And it's from Honda.
Coming to DVD.
Newsweek calls Catch Me If You Can a delicious cat and mouse game.
It's one of the best films of the year.
Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hanks, Catch Me If You Can,
a film by Steven Spielberg.
Own the Tugus DVD Tuesday.
Every day, the South wakes up to billions of allergens,
from cats and dogs to ragweed and dust.
That's why there's Clarinax.
Clarinax provides receptor protection to help block histamine.
Get 24-hour non-drowsy allergy relief anywhere, anytime.
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One, two, three, four, let's go.
What happened, man?
Five.
Who's this?
It's Lars, my personal trader.
Got a great new sandwich.
Gonna be really, really busy.
Got to get in shape.
Arby's new homestyle pot roast sandwich.
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What are you eating today?
Zales exclusive one-carat diamond jewelry.
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It's the tale of a guy named Zeke
Who has come here from Battle Creek
As he walks with his Pepsi can
He is bombed by a stranger's hand
Pepsi fell, his Pepsi's lost
The joy of life he needs at any cost
The Pepsi's found, the people cheer
For the joy of Pepsi now is here
Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba
The joy of Pepsi
You're two years old, developing a strong sense of self.
This week, yourself is a superhero
Wearing Pampers Easy Ups.
They fit like real underwear.
Super underwear. Easy Ups. Created by Pampers.
Hit it with your hold-up
Don't sweat it, time to test it
Just get messed up, throw your best stuff
Don't sweat it
Right now at TGI Friday, it's digging to our new delicious sizzling chicken and cheese
With sauteed vegetables and our signature mashed potatoes for just $8.99.
Come get a taste of our new bold flavor.
Introducing the new Kodak EasyShare digital camera and printer dock.
Just press a button to get real Kodak photos at home, without a PC.
Truce. Truce.
NBC Thursday, a full hour of friends. Surprise!
It's Chandler's face-off with fertility.
I know this is embarrassing, but no one here even knows you.
Oh, my God!
You can't miss the big news.
Should I be sitting down for this?
Then, Macaulay Culkin is Karen's divorce lawyer.
What, uh, do I have a bug?
No, no, no, no bug.
It's an hour of Will and Grace.
Sweet, my mom put in a kudos.
Plus an all-new ER. NBC Thursday.
The first big event of the summer is on NBC.
The most exciting two minutes in sports, the Kentucky Derby.
As the Visa Triple Crown begins Saturday, live 5 Eastern on NBC.
How long have you been coloring your hair?
Wow. Now, there's a question.
I have very fine, fine color-treated hair.
Yes, unfortunately, this is not my natural color anymore.
My hair goes flat really easily.
Icky. To use the technical term, yeah.
Icky. Yeah, icky.
Dubb definitely has started something.
Yay!
It builds the hair, as opposed to leaving it heavy.
It's not weighed down. It really picks up the color.
The dead shampoo and the conditioner, it was a huge change.
It just feels really nice.
Mom? Mom?
Can we go to McDonald's? Nope.
Now, can we go to McDonald's?
No.
Can we go to McDonald's now?
No.
Hey, anybody want to go to McDonald's?
Warm breast of chicken, gourmet baby greens,
and Newman's own all-natural dressing.
Introducing premium salads at McDonald's.
Yeah, McDonald's.
Can we go skydiving?
No!
Honey!
Pretty intense, isn't it?
Makeup is just a cover-up.
That's so yesterday.
But makeup that softens little lines?
That's today.
That's Visible Lift by L'Oreal.
It just got better.
Now it's two times the pro-retinol A.
So now, as it really covers those little laugh lines,
it really helps them disappear.
Visible Lift by L'Oreal.
So now, when I put on my makeup,
it really helps them disappear.
Visible Lift by L'Oreal.
So now, when I put on my makeup,
the years don't come back.
Now that's Visible Lift.
I can see it.
I can feel it.
And I'm worth it.
The Chevy Trailblazer worst-case scenario.
What to do if tailgated by a giant overhauler?
Don't slow down or pull one of those
I'm-braking-slightly-to-freak-you-out-stuffs.
You won't like the results.
Simply let that standard 275-horsepower Vortech engine
send a clear message
that it's worth it.
Visible Lift by L'Oreal.
So now, when I pull one of those
I'm-braking-slightly-to-freak-you-out-stuffs.
You won't like the results.
Simply let that standard 275-horsepower Vortech engine
send a clear message...
Get off my rear, poor man.
Here, you have a best-case scenario.
Chevy Trailblazer.
Like a rock.
Wednesday on an all-new West Wing...
It's only happened twice in our history.
I'm resigning.
A vice president taken down...
$20,000 for kindergarten.
Getting your kid into the right school can be murder.
Hell hath no fury like a mother's scorn.
The West Wing and Law and Order all-new NBC Wednesday.
Hey and all-new watching Ellie's coming up next right here on NBC.
My friends and I were out in the field and we found something.
Circle.
They're planning some kind of invasion.
They took her.
Oh, God, something's happening.
For the first time anywhere, Stephen Baldwin, Billy Zane.
Silent Warnings premieres Saturday at 9 on SyFy.
Every week, SyFy brings you rare and never-before-seen documentaries that explore all the mysteries of the unknown.
If you've suspected it, we've investigated it.
Tuesday Declassified, Tuesday starting at 8 only on SyFy.
Own Babylon 5 Season 2 on DVD.
All fighters open fire, fire at will.
Get all 22 episodes with personnel and alien files, exclusive documentaries and insightful commentaries.
They'll hit space in five minutes.
Babylon 5 Season 2, only today on DVD.
For three months, I'm the invisible man.
I'm an accountant.
From January to April, you can't see me, you can't talk to me.
I don't have time to talk on my cell phone.
I don't even have time to talk to myself.
You need Singular's Rollover, unused any time minutes rollover from month to month.
Plus get 50% more any time minutes and nationwide long distance.
And get a free phone with a $20 donation to Special Olympics.
I call it the Kevin McCorkle Taxes Should Be This Fair Plan.
Come into Singular now to find the plan that fits you best.
Hey Ted, remember that day we took 50 roasts out of the oven?
Hey everybody, great news.
Arby's is introducing a new homestyle pot roast sandwich.
Alright!
Uh-oh, ow!
Oh, oh, oh!
Easy!
Oh, yeah!
It's real slow-cooked pot roast with tangy cheddar and a kickin' ranch sauce all on our new soft baguette.
Mommy!
Stop!
Try Arby's new homestyle pot roast sandwich.
What are you eating today?
Plastic holds the promise of a better world.
Taking medicine to new heights and giving our lives greater comfort.
It puts the answers in our hands and hope in our hearts.
Plastics make it possible.
When you leave this building, you will be endowed with all my powers.
All the powers of God.
This Memorial Day.
Boom!
The guy next door.
I've never seen the moon that big.
We really shouldn't waste it.
Gets his shot at being the man upstairs.
Sam?
Jim Carrey.
Bruce Almighty.
Rated PG-13.
At theaters Friday, May 23rd.
Next Friday on an all-new Scare Tactics hosted by Shannon Dory.
Let the sacrifice begin.
Get the hell out of here!
Laugh it up. You could be next.
Scare Tactics all new every Sci-Fi Friday at 10, only on Sci-Fi.
Hey guys, Domino's is here.
Watch out!
Sorry.
Kids, give this man some air, please.
What day is it, sir?
Free pizza day.
And the next day?
Free pizza day.
Fascinating. And the next day?
Free pizza day.
Kids, your dad's gonna be just fine.
Now every day is free pizza day at Domino's.
Get a medium one topping pizza free when you buy a large Domino's pizza at menu price any day.
Sir, how many pizzas am I holding?
Two.
He's good.
Get the door. It's two-for-one pizza day.
Honey, should I play a little something to get us in the mood?
There's nothing more magical than a Walt Disney World vacation, especially when you've won it from Visa.
Use your Visa card in May and June, and you're entered to win an exclusive After Hours Magic Kingdom Party
and amazing Walt Disney World vacation for you and seven guests and all the other winners, only from Visa.
This song gets Mommy and Daddy in the mood.
Visa, it's everywhere you want to be.
Guys everywhere are defying gravity.
Mach 3 Turbo.
Total comfort shaving down or up, an anti-friction coating on the blades, plus more lubrication.
So even against the grain, you get less irritation.
Unbelievable.
Mach 3 Turbo from Gillette.
Here, kikikiki.
Box Monday.
Haley and the Masked Men go on their first dates.
Wow.
And Mr. Green has a secret agenda.
He's listening to tapes on hypnosis. He started to weird me out.
But is she really falling under his spell?
I think I've forgotten that the cameras are here.
She's thinking what I want her to be thinking.
Mr. Personality continues at 9-8 Central, Fox Monday.
So, having a good time?
What's the matter, baby?
Hey!
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Start your weekday mornings with Good Day Wisconsin.
530 on Fox 11.
More local, more often.