Welcome to a special edition of Ballpark Magazine.
The Super Duper Baseball Blooper Issue.
Drive deep, the right center fiel, Barfield going back, it is gone.
No, he caught it Larry.
My neighbor said, where are you going?
And I said, well I'm headed to Kansas City to see the Orioles play.
And he said, what? Have you lost your head?
No, I haven't.
And a lot of guys that spent time together in the minor leagues.
Yeah, there are quite a few of us.
That probably means that Rona might be going to the minor leagues.
And if so, the question is, can Rona bury it?
Oh my God.
Time is called now, the home plate up by her season.
He's pointing at it.
He's looking out the left field.
Eric's looking down the left field.
He thinks there's some on the field now.
Take a bite.
Before we turn to the heart of this issue, let's first hear from our faithful readers.
Madeline Malinowski of New York City writes,
Dear Ball Park Magazine, I constantly hear announcers refer to a utility player.
What exactly is a utility player?
Well, Madeline, this is someone like Jose Ukenno, who's so versatile,
the manager can put him anywhere he pleases.
Jose Ukenno, the secret weapon, now hurling for the red bird in the right field.
Ukenno.
One gone.
Ukenno throws him out.
What a play by Ukenno.
Yes, Madeline, Jose, can you see, is everywhere.
And the pitch is lined in the left field.
Here comes Ukenno, and he's got it.
Jack of all trades, he's got it.
The jack of all trades, Jose Ukenno.
Jim Rogal of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania writes,
Dear Ball Park, I finally accepted the concept of the designated hitter in the American League.
Now I'm hearing rumors about a designated fielder.
Are they true?
Well, Jim, you caught us off guard on this one, but you never know what's going to pop up.
Finally, Jackie Freed of Atlanta, Georgia writes,
Dear Ball Park, I recently attended my first baseball game, and I was very confused.
How many outs are there in an inning?
Well, Jackie, you must have attended the game between the Phillies and the Atlanta Braves.
Andres Thomas on to Perry for out number two.
That'll bring up Vaughn Hayes.
Correction, out number three.
Wait a minute.
There are only two outs, folks.
Hold everything here. Hold everything.
I thought I was losing it there for a minute.
I don't know how in the world that happened.
How can nine players out on the field all be confused about how many outs there are?
I have never seen that happen in all the years that I've watched baseball.
Oh, but to answer your question, Jackie, in one inning there are six outs.
The strike zone, where pitchers and batters wage their daily war.
The strike zone is often a source of frustration and bewilderment.
It offers no quarrel on a swing and a miss, but do it enough and you can lose your grip.
Want to see a sailing bat? Here it is.
I've always wanted to see a sailing bat.
Sometimes the ball never makes it to the strike zone.
On these occasions, revenge is often in order.
This doesn't bother pitchers, as they tend to turn the other cheek.
Besides, they're too busy cultivating that delicate relationship between pitcher and umpire.
An unhappy pitcher can leave an umpire helpless.
As every umpire knows, this game can be played by two.
Let's see, did it hit him? Yes, right there.
Luckily, Harvey throws about 10 miles an hour.
Foul balls or strikes, and sometimes outs, and one pitch allows no argument.
Right down the middle, and that's the frustration of a pretty good hitter that's batting well under 200.
But with all these balls and strikes, it can sometimes get confusing.
Bob Engel thinks it's strike three. Robert, you're thinking about that favorite restaurant.
The count is three and two. Or is it?
Houston players are leaving the field, and the count should be three and two.
Bob Engel embarrassed this time. He's trying to keep from laughing and smiling.
Embarrassing moments can take place any time you cross the strike zone. Real embarrassing.
Just when you thought you'd avoided the issue completely, another strike is behind you.
Come with us now, if you dare, inside your worst baseball nightmare.
A place where evil lurks and schemes. A place that's called the field of bad dreams.
Where balls can find the smallest crack and home runs torment you by bouncing back.
For only on the field of bad dreams do bumps roll forever, or so it seems.
And when it lasts, the ball stays fair. The fielders seem to forget it's there.
Here catch a saldo, tear a pitchers, baffling hitters with his hitches, and leaving most of them in stitches.
A field where on a pitch by kipper the runner breaks, unbeknownst to the pitcher who catches one for the kipper.
Where calling time calls for a double take, and yes, the double he will take.
It's only here a routine grounder seals a shoddy infield's fate. For while at third they flop and flounder, the awful runner takes home plate.
So come with us to the field of bad dreams, where nothing is the way it seems. Where even doubles test the brain, when ground rules don't include the drain.
For in this land of nightmare lore, the bad dreams leave you wanting more of things you've never seen before.
There's another ball that scoots over near the Phillies dugout, and this ball is going to try to, it stays on the lip.
And Schmit's going to try to come home. Nobody's covering. Oh my goodness. I have never in my life seen that.
Well, we've seen it all. How many pulled the plug on this thing? Well, the lights are out in Georgia.
And we've got a flood. We've got a geyser. Or as they said in the movie Bulldurham, we got ourselves a natural disaster.
Strike three was called and Gladden was out of the box. Gladden stepped out. McClelland apparently told him to get back in motion for Hudson to throw the pitch.
And he was called out. What a bizarre out. Two balls and a strike. What that ball hit Tommy? Holy cow, he wasn't looking.
There it is running, swing and a miss, the throw to second by Kennedy.
And the runner is safe. What a better trickery on the part of Marty Beravitz second base. Obviously the throw was there in time.
Marty knew that. He pulled up short purposefully. Sure did, didn't he? That's incredible.
Carter unable to tag in advance and wisely remaining in second. The Mets down by four and there are two out here in the ninth inning.
Now Carter's called out and the ball game is over.
You think it's safe up in the press box? It's not supposed to shatter like that. That's plexiglass up there.
The runners are going. Brooks lost the bat. The throw down to third and Bonilla seemed to be clipped by the bat.
Watch this. The bat, the ball and Garcia arrive at third base at the same time. That's weird.
Here's the bat. Garcia avoids it. Bonilla can't. The ball hit it. This is the first time I've ever seen this.
This sliders hit deep to left field. Daniel's back on the track. At the wall he jumps. Run again. Home run.
Oh my goodness. I'm starting to sound like Phil Rizzo. Hit deep to center. Robin back. Does he have it?
I think he made a great catch. He did. Unbelievable. Oh, that was beautiful. The Brewers win.
It's a dinger. He lost the ball over the fence. It fell out of his glove? Yes. The second base up fire signaled out.
And everyone in the stadium, ball players included, fooled on that one.
And that's precisely what we mean in this, the field of bad, bad dreams.
When you talk about baseball players' most embarrassing moments, everyone is the master of rationalization.
That wasn't goofy. That was supernatural. I think it was the Aurora Borealis went off that night.
They'll only be able to get one if they can get that here, John. Bob was a ball and Jim Helman. John does not normally make that kind of mistake. They're going to try to score a hit there. And Tommy Fowl.
Tommy made two errors. Tommy should have stayed right on the mound. You're right, absolutely. Three errors?
They can't give you three errors, huh? At one time, it was time for me to go up to hit. I just had to go to the bathroom. I just had to go. And they just had to wait until I was done.
And then, of course, there was the time Lloyd Mosby stole second base and first base and second base again, all on the same play.
There goes Mosby. Picked a good pitch to go on. Terrible throw. Mosby doesn't know where the throw is. He's going back to first base. Is he going to steal first? He steals first. Now he's going to steal second again. I've never seen it before.
It was something that I just wanted to make a video for the kids for on how to do things twice and be successful at doing so. That is probably the most unfortunate thing out of the whole year.
How did you get to stolen base for? I started against the Cubs one Sunday afternoon. I think I faced eight hitters and I only got one out and he almost killed the third baseman.
I tried to throw the ball in my glove. I missed the glove. Howard made a great save between third and short. It was a one run game. If he doesn't come up with the save, it's a tie game. I got a save. Howard got a save. We got two saves in that game.
And now it's time for the greatest show on turf. The three ring, four base spectacular that stands head and shoulders above the rest. Let the ballpark big top begin.
And so without further ado, let's send out the clowns and get underway. I said send out the clowns and let's get underway. Will somebody get that clown off the field? Thank you.
And now keep your eye on the ball as baseball jugglers take center stage.
And now the sideshow in this three ring spectacular where with so much going on, you don't know which way to look.
In this ring, we have the amazing and somewhat ridiculous looking half bearded man. Most people stop doing this when they were 12 years old. The tall man, the short man. Are we on a roll now or what?
And just when you thought the trapeze artists had gone home, we present the amazing freestanding leap over the dome. And now back to the sideshow with wild animal trainer, Gunga Gunga Jones.
Do not be afraid of the wild animals. They will not hurt you. I said do not be afraid. Just keep your eyes on them at all times.
Wild animals are really quite harmless. Watch how I carefully control this king of the astroturf with no fear whatsoever.
And now for our finale, the tumblers.
On this one fact we're crystal clear.
The baseball booth is not to fear. But when the games start running long, announcers sing a different song.
Yeah, the great suspenders out tonight. There is a place on the earth where the sun sets in the east.
It appears to set in the east. How are our government relations with Spain? Do you happen to know? They're fine as far as I know.
In the Panama Canal, as you go through the Panama Canal, it leads back and forth. And the sun appears to come up in the west and set in the east.
This is General Schwarzenegger.
I haven't seen that one.
And if you don't like Pee-wee Herman, you need to be checked.
Well, what else can we talk about?
Have you ever heard of cow tipping?
Cow tipping?
Yeah.
They're pigeons.
They're worthless creatures.
And the jellyfish.
You swim with a jellyfish?
Try not to.
Oh, August.
August is jellyfish month here in the East Coast.
We're really running out of things to talk about, aren't we?
It's coloring everything here.
Valley Regional High School was on the Housatonic River.
Is that right?
On the banks of the Housatonic.
In fact, I can sing the fight song, but no, I won't do that.
How can the Bee Gees stay in alive?
A much disdained disco record, rank ahead of Mitch Ryder
and Devil with a blue dress on.
Sing it.
High above the Housatonic, mid to Berkshires, proud and true.
And what have you and Mr. Blast been talking about tonight?
Anything?
Nothing important.
No, no, if I tuned in today's game,
if it was the first game I ever saw, I would say,
you know, listen, the two guys tell me about partially Hitler.
And some baseball.
And I think Curly of the Three Stooges
would have summed up this series by saying,
boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.
Meow.
Oh.
Ha, ha, ha.
And now, this one and only message from our sponsor.
Is it important?
Just look.
New York Mets relief pitcher Roger McDowell
is known as baseball's premier practical jokester.
And now, he's proud to announce the opening of Roger McDowell's
School of Practical Jokes.
Fans, it gets mighty boring out here in the bullpen sometimes,
so I have to look for ways to liven things up a bit.
So now, I've decided to let you, the viewing audience,
in on some of my favorite pranks.
Enroll today, and I'll show you how
to plant rubber in the gloves of opposing outfielders.
All right.
You'll also learn how to secretly
doctor your opponent's bat before he steps up
to the plate.
And here's a good one.
I'll teach you how to throw your voice while yelling,
I've got it.
When your team hits an easy fly pop.
And of course, my all time favorite, greasing the mound
for the opposing pitcher.
Ha, ha.
What a laugh.
Be sure to sign up today.
["The Big Game Show Theme"]
Baseball streaks belong only to the best,
like Joe DiMaggio, who hit in 56 straight games,
Lou Gehrig, who played more than 2,000 in a row,
and the latest entry in the successive Hall of Fame,
Oral Hersheiser, who pitched 59 straight scoreless innings.
Fly ball to right on a semi-check swing.
Gonzalez, the record.
Oral Hersheiser, 59 consecutive innings, scoreless.
The all time record.
That's Triesdale thing.
Don't give me that stuff where guys always give it that.
Oh, yeah, records are made to be broken.
I was rooting for the kid.
Fat chance.
Whose name you want on the record,
both yours or someone else's?
But not all streaks strike a player's fancy,
like Eric Davis, who struck out nine straight times in two days
of Mike Scott and Nolan Lyon.
["The Big Game Show Theme"]
Corey Snyder knows the feeling.
Corey had struck out nine straight times
against Roger Clemens.
Then a miracle.
Corey's contact left him clamoring for more.
At least a step in the right direction as he had contact
and flat out to shallow right.
There it is, the handshake.
Oh!
It's my hand!
High five, a low five.
I got a fly ball against Roger Clemens.
Then there's the saga of pitcher Don Carmen,
who was 0 for 46 in his career and figured, when in doubt,
he might as well bunt.
Carmen made it to first, but the error made him 0 for 47.
A reprise was in order.
Here's the two strike pitch, a bunt, and it trickles foul,
and he's a strikeout victim.
At 0 for 48 now, the bunt simply wasn't working.
So Carmen took a cut.
The batter, Don Carmen.
Up there to bunt, probably.
Nope, he's going to swing.
Base hit through the middle.
Oh!
I don't believe it.
Don Carmen with his first major league hit.
That snaps at 0 for 48 for him.
I do not believe it.
They're going to stop the game and give him the ball.
Len Cicada owns still another streak worthy of forgetting.
Cicada couldn't have bought a hit against the White Sox,
going 0 for 66 over the course of seven seasons.
But all streaks, whether good or bad, must soon come to an end.
In the box score, it was one small hit,
but it was a giant leap for Len.
Finally, there's Dwayne Kuyper.
Less known for his power than his glove,
Dwayne had gone to the plate more than 1,300 times
without hitting a home run.
Then one night, to the amazement of all,
Dwayne Kuyper rocked Steve Stone.
The game started early, 12 minutes early,
and Bob Lemon, the manager, didn't know that.
So when I went out to the bullpen to warm up,
I found out that the bullpen was a little bit too big.
So when I went out to the bullpen to warm up,
I found that I had seven minutes to warm up
and didn't have a curve ball, which at that point in my career
was my big pitch.
And I'm sure that Steve Stone's story
would be that he wasn't loose.
Well, he was loose enough to strike out
the first hitter of the game.
He likes to tell the story.
It was 450 feet deep into the right field seats.
I think it just cleared the fence, but the point was it
went over.
Dwayne gave him the yay as he's running around the bases.
I didn't realize that he had watched me.
Obviously, he did if he knew that I raised my arm.
Or maybe it was the 8 by 10s that I sent him,
of these still shots that I had.
Whatever.
It's the Dwayne Kipers of the world
who will always keep the streaks of the Joe DiMaggio's intact.
And now, it's time for a very special feature,
as Ballpark Magazine conducts its own star search
in this, the first annual Baseball Talent Show.
Today's category, impersonators who've
made a lasting impression.
So now, let's begin.
The first impression is a very special one.
It's a very special feature.
So now, let's get on with the show.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
And have we got a show for you.
First, what do you say we take a look at those
who didn't make the finals?
All right, Pilgrim.
I'm here to invite you to come out to the Kingdome.
I can really dig that, man.
Oh, mamma.
It's your little boy, Sammy, all the way from Alabama.
Don't want no eggs and hamma.
Mamma.
Hi, this is Ed Sullivan inviting all you fans
in the greater Seattle area.
Well, close me down.
Ah, good, good, good, good.
It's interesting to note there are so many broadcasters,
but the best broadcasters are those who always do themselves
and not try to imitate any other broadcaster.
All right, Siegfried, we've got you completely surrounded
by the entire fourth cavalry.
Would you believe the third cavalry?
How about three Boy Scouts on roller skates?
This is Jimmy Stewart inviting every now and then.
Now, Marylanders manager, Darryl Johnson.
Tom hits well, feels well,
but his Jimmy Stewart needs a lot of work.
And how's this for a blast from the past?
The Pedro and Tommy Show.
That's the army!
Hey, baby!
All right, we'll get back to those guys.
But first, yeah, trust me on this one,
remember Cincinnati relief pitcher Brad the Animal Leslie?
Well, he even prompted an imitation
from the normally subdued Nolan Ryan.
Nolan Ryan doing Brad Leslie, you got to be kidding.
But you got to love it.
What do you think, Pedro, Tommy?
How good?
You can do it now, be tough.
I bet Tommy loves this.
But what about Tommy John?
Well, it looks like Don Mattingly
has him down just about perfect.
Now, unfortunately, once Price Waterhouse
tallied up the votes,
none of these contestants, not even Pedro and Tommy,
made it to this, the final round.
MUSIC
Our second runner-up is Rick Dempsey,
who somehow manages to do a Robin Yowd
and an old Tommy Lasorda at the same time,
featuring a brief cameo by Sammy Stewart as Jim Palmer.
Get it? A brief cameo.
Hoo boy.
Toward right, curling down toward the corner.
They won't get it, and it might get out.
It will. See you later.
Yowd hits an opposite field home run.
MUSIC
And now, our first runner-up,
a tie between John Morris and Dennis Lamp,
with Lamp doing Gaylord Perry
almost better than the original.
Now, watch closely.
Here's Lamp doing Perry,
and here's Perry doing Perry.
Well, you make the call.
Now, Morris explains how to do Willie McGee.
You've got to look like you're in a lot of pain
and you're having a miserable time out there,
and then get up there and make it look like
your knees are killing you,
and it's the last place in the world that you want to be
out on the baseball field,
and then just go out and lay out four-line drives.
That's Willie.
Well, I'm not going to argue with that,
but listen, nobody does a Dave Winfield better than Lamp.
MUSIC
But the most natural impression
has to be Morris doing Kirk Gibson.
All year long, they looked to him to light the fire,
and all year long, he answered the demand.
Here's the big pitch.
He's got to make it happen on this one.
High fly ball into right field.
She is gone!
MUSIC
And now it's time for the winner
of the first annual Baseball Talent Show.
Picture Mark Grant of the San Diego Padres
and his study in the calling habits of umpires.
I got a lot of time to kill in the bullpen,
so I check out the umpires.
John Kibler from San Diego, you might be familiar with him.
He's just real basic.
He squares up behind the plate and he goes,
strike, one, drive, one.
Big Eric Gregg. We got the big guys going.
For a right-hander, he gets like this and he'll go.
For a left-hander, he'll go.
Like that.
Frank Foley, he's another one of my favorites.
He's kind of like the Rocky of the umpires.
He'll be behind the plate and he'll go.
And then for a strikeout, he'll go.
John McSherry, big John.
Big John McSherry, a big man.
He'll just...
He'll just smosh it with his hand like that.
Dutch Reddard, my favorite.
One of the all-time favorites. He's from the old school.
Very vocal. He'll get behind the plate and he'll go.
Strike, one, drive, one.
How'd you tell me Dutch Reddard orders steak in the restaurant?
He orders steak rare.
Of course, we know which bloopers win our admiration,
but what about the players themselves?
Which ones do they like best?
My favorite blooper, I guess, was about 1979.
Ron Reed, one of our relief pitchers on the Phillies,
was having a real tough time. He was in a slump.
And he finally came in, had a 1-2-3 inning,
hadn't pitched in a while, and he did cartwheels off the mound
all the way to the dugout. He's 6'7".
Unbelievable.
We were playing in Minnesota, and there was a bunt down the line
and Kevin Seitzer came over.
It was staying on the line and Kevin goes on the inside of the line
and starts blowing the ball so he could continue to row foul.
And not just to have the ability to think about doing something like that,
it just comes... it blows you away.
Terry Mulholland, we were playing the Mets a couple years ago,
a ball was hit to him and it stuck in his glove in between his fingers.
And instead of just taking the ball out, he calmly took his glove off
and threw it over to first base.
He didn't panic, and that was just so him.
Right back to the mound. Good stab by Mulholland.
Runs most of the... the throw... what?
The ball stuck in his glove, and that's why he ran so far at first.
He couldn't get it out.
And then he attempted to lob with his glove hand,
and the glove went with it.
He caught them both!
Ha ha ha!
The most ridiculous play that I have ever seen.
I wouldn't call it funny, but... and I was not involved in it,
we were not involved in the game, but one night in New York,
two runners at home played almost simultaneously.
I can't remember who's hitting, but Ozzie Guillen's a shortstop,
and the hitter ends up losing the bat when he's swinging,
and the bat's rolling out towards Ozzie, and Ozzie goes over and fields the bat
and he ends up like he's going to throw the guy out at first with it.
That's pretty inventive for a fielder to think that quickly.
I thought it was funny.
I remember I was broadcasting a game, doing some work for the Mets,
and they were playing the Cubs in Chicago,
and one of the batters for the Mets hit a ball, and the guy lost it,
fell down, and we couldn't find it, and walked around,
ran around all over the field, couldn't find it,
the ball was in his hat on the ground.
We were playing the Philadelphia Phillies,
and I forget the pitcher who was on second.
I think that the ball went behind the plate,
and he was going from second to third,
and he tripped over the base and just landed on his face.
It was just the funniest thing I've ever seen.
I think it was the blooper of the year.
I couldn't stop laughing. It was so funny.
You know, not every super-duper baseball blooper leaves its victim in a stupor
as Ballpark Magazine looks at the bounces that went over with a bang.
disappointingly
That's out to the Valley.
He got it.
It'll be a double play.
What a freak double play.
That's sliced to left field and
it's another chance for Mitchell
and he makes a fair hand.
And you got to be kidding me.
You got to be the play of the
year.
It back look at that.
Look what I have.
And I don't even have time to
look into the dugout to say to
his teammates I got it.
Oh Newman on the tarp makes the
catch.
Unbelievable.
Greetings to all.
But I know you are coming for I
am the compelling Llewellyn the
magnanimous magician the
prescient personality the
bedeviling bird of a baseball
able to see into the future as
with this my first three the
magnificent seven are warming up
in the bullpen and we'll be with
you as soon as Leonard gets into
a six four three six four.
Yes.
Thank you.
The compelling Llewellyn the
baseball is merely a tool in the
mystical magical world of
illusion and I allude to illusion
for a very good reason.
Just watch.
But do not be afraid for as
compelling as I am I am always
in control.
Just keep your eyes on the ball
and you too will be amazed.
My son keep your eyes on the
ball.
Never let it leave your sight.
What's the matter you flunk a
little or something.
For only I the compelling Llewellyn
can make a ball disappear or so it
seems then reappear then watch the
victim disappear into the minor
world.
Yes I am indeed the compelling I
simply can't say that enough as I
can make balls disappear into
walls and gloves if I so choose.
It's in the glove stupid catchers
hoi.
The compelling Llewellyn can be a
magical punster putting one catch
in the bag or agonizing over the
agony of defeat.
Defeat defeat look at defeat.
You must tip your hat to the
compelling Llewellyn for per chance
that you don't you might lose it.
Compelling no.
I can make balls disappear into
gloves you see.
Oh what a tangled web we weave.
And so can I make entire gloves
disappear.
But the compelling Llewellyn's
greatest trick is not making gloves
or balls or bats disappear.
No my dear friends it's making
entire ball players vanish.
Magically.
Just watch what I do to Lee Mazzile.
And again.
Through doors piece of cake.
But there is one little problem with
all of these.
For once the ball players are gone I
am compelled to stop.
What.
Pay no attention to that man behind
the curtain.
He's gone.
I have compelled him to leave.
Hey what's with the freezer frame.
I'm not finished.
You can't do this.
Don't put me back in the stupid
blooper duper thing.
приложение
He-he-he-he-he!
Donny!
He-he-he-he-he!
You...
не
к
Oh
You