[theme song plays]
♪ Demons come from every side ♪
♪ In the darkness is the light ♪
♪ Out of the shadows of my life ♪
♪ In the darkness is the light ♪
♪ Surrender will win the fight ♪
♪ This girl's walked on fire and ice ♪
♪ But I come out ♪
♪ On the other side of paradise ♪
♪ Paradise ♪
[Fi] Let's face it, vampires are kind of cool.
They stay young forever, they get to stay out all night,
and they dress like rock stars.
Well, they didn't start out that way.
The original vampire was supposedly a guy named Vlad Tepes,
also known as Vlad the Impaler, which gives you an idea of his hobbies.
Now, Vlad was born in Transylvania back in 1431,
and he really was known as Dracula, just like in the movies.
He even wore a cape.
But for all of his bad habits, Vlad didn't drink blood,
have fangs, or sleep in a coffin.
So, where'd these stories about blood-suckers get started?
Theories range from a Hungarian rabies epidemic in the 18th century
to a disease called porphyria,
that gives it's victims vampire-like symptoms.
It's got to be something like that.
I mean, if vampires were real, we would have noticed them by now.
Wouldn't we?
[Molly] So if "X" equals three, then "Y" would be...
-Eight? -Seven.
You were close.
What's happened to you, Jack?
You used to be so normal, yet over the last year,
you've become so strangely nerdy.
Mock me if you want,
but I believe I'm the one getting straight A's from Ned.
I'm telling you, this OSSN thing has made all the difference.
-Oh, not them again. -What's OSSN?
The Obnoxious Sibling Study Network.
The Online Student Support Network.
This online tutoring thing, totally free.
Some honor students in Milwaukee started it last year.
Wow, it looks really slick.
Oh, yeah, you wouldn't believe how fast it's caught on.
People are starting local chapters all over,
doing face-to-face tutoring and community service.
[Fi] "Do well and do good"?
Oh, no, Mom, we're going to have to deprogram him
before he starts to say "gosh" and eat white bread.
[Fi and Molly laughing]
Come on, honey, I think it's sweet that these kids
are trying to make a difference.
Does that mean we can go to Indianapolis via Milwaukee?
Mom, it's, like, two days out of the way.
It's 18 hours. I downloaded a route map from the...
[both] OSSN website.
They said if I could come there in person, I'd be inducted as a full member.
I could start a chapter back home.
Well, I'm pretty sure we have the time, but let me just talk to Ned.
Yes! Mom, you rock!
Can I use the cellphone to call Gabe? I want to tell her I'm going.
Yes, but ten minutes only. The bill is killing us.
Thank you.
[groans] Math.
Oh, now, sweetie, don't get so stressed out about math.
There's plenty of ways to be smart.
Meaning I'm smart in all the dumb ways?
Meaning that I'm very proud of both of you.
So, come on, let's continue to explore the mysteries of "Y" and "X".
How about an e-mail break?
-OK. -Yes.
I'll talk to Ned about Milwaukee.
[blows raspberry]
Hey, Mr. Crawford, it's Jack. Hi. Good, thanks.
Can I talk to Gabe? Great.
Hey, Gabe. Hi. I miss you.
Yeah, of course I am. I always wear it.
You're my angel, Gabe. Yeah.
Hey, guess what? I'm going to Milwaukee. Yeah.
Hey, Brent, the new members are starting to arrive.
Good. Turns out Jack Phillips is coming to our little open house, as well.
Jack Phillips? Isn't he the guy that logs on to our website from a bus?
Yeah, he's in the online study group, and he is a hottie.
-How can you tell? -I don't know.
His answers to the study questions just seem... hot!
[giggling]
[Brent] Jack's famous mother is coming with him.
I wonder if he's more like her...
or his father.
[elevator bell dings]
-Jack, welcome. I'm Brent. -Oh, hey, Brent.
Great to finally meet you.
This is my mom, Molly...
-Hi. -Hi.
-And my sister, Fiona. -Hi.
Wait a second.
Molly Phillips of the Phillips-Kane Band?
-That's me. -Jack, why didn't you tell me?
My parents had all your CDs.
Your old songs have gotten me through a ton of all-night study sessions.
-That song "Origami." That cooks. -Thank you. I'm glad to be of help.
So, should I give you guys the grand tour?
-[Molly] Oh, that would be great. -Yeah.
We raised money to help renovate the seniors' center.
I love working with the elderly.
They just seem to have such sense of history, you know?
It's important to remember your roots.
-So where are you from, originally? -Uh, Milwaukee.
All our members tutor at least one underprivileged child,
-usually in more than one subject. -Tell her about the success rate, go on.
[Brent] The kids we tutor average an improvement of two letter grades.
-[Jack] Pretty cool, huh? -Pretty amazing.
Yeah, it's... that's very cool.
We're especially excited about our latest venture,
a national blood drive.
Brent, I have to ask you. How do you manage all these things
and keep your grades up and still have a life?
It's like our slogan says, "Sleep when you're old."
So, Brent, aren't you going to introduce us to your friend?
Jack, this is Paige and Rita.
They'll be joining us at the induction ceremony tomorrow.
-Hi. I'm Paige. -And I'm Rita.
-Uh... hi. -Hi.
Why don't you introduce Jack to the rest of the group?
-Sure. -Yeah, love to.
-Right over this way. -Come on.
-Mom, could we talk for a sec? -Sure, baby.
[sniffs]
I love your perfume. Sassy Number Six, right?
So, Pete, making goo-goo eyes at the little sister, huh?
[scoffs] No, no. I was... I was just--
This could be good. Maybe we can recruit her, too.
Well, I doubt if her grades are good enough for us.
Maybe she just needs a good tutor.
After all, she comes from a smart family. It's in the blood.
Excuse me, guys.
Fi and I are going to go do some shopping while Jack meets everybody,
but I just wanted to tell you how nice it is to meet you.
Oh, it was mutual, but before you go, I feel so presumptuous asking you this...
Would you consider being the speaker at tomorrow's induction ceremony?
Speaker? People usually ask me to sing.
You've done more charity concerts than Joan Baez in her prime.
If anybody embodies the spirit of what OSSN is trying to accomplish, it's you.
Come on. Am I hearing a yes?
-I'd be honored. -Great.
[Pete clears throat]
Oh, hi.
-I'm Fi. -I'm Pete.
So I... I saw you over there.
Yeah, I saw you see me over there.
Fi, baby, you ready to go?
Yeah.
-Oh, no, honey. This way. -OK.
[Molly] OK, orange and yellow are not my colors.
[Fi] You're not really going do it, are you, Mom?
What, buy this skirt? No.
I mean give the speech at the Poindexters' party.
Why wouldn't I? They seemed perfectly nice.
There's something strange about them, Mom.
That kid Pete acts like he's afraid of his own shadow.
[Molly] Pete acts like he's scared of pretty girls.
[Fi] Maybe it seems like a great organization and everything,
but, for all you know, they could be running sweatshops in South America.
Come on, Fiona.
Listen, if we weren't on the road so much, I would...
I don't know, I guess I'd join the PTA,
I'd organize a car wash for the marching band,
I'd chaperon school dances, but since I can't do those things,
I've got to find other ways to show that I support you guys.
These jeans are too tight.
In that case, I'll race you to the shoe department.
[Fi] Wait, Mom. Mom, wait.
Thanks again, everybody.
After hearing about everything you guys do,
I'm thinking you really don't sleep.
[all laughing]
After a while, you don't miss it.
Pete, what a joker.
So, we'll see you tomorrow, then, Jack.
OK, great.
[door opens]
[door shuts]
Peter, do you remember me telling you that Jack is sort of a special case?
And how we can't afford to make him suspicious?
Oh... yeah, I'm really... [yells]
Then keep your mouth shut!
Now, who's up for a little AP calculus?
Pete! What are you doing here? Are you OK?
I had to go cold turkey.
It was the only way that I could work up enough willpower to come here.
Cold turkey?
[groaning]
What is that?
Never mind. I don't have much time, OK? Soon, I'm gonna be one of them again.
-Stay back. -Don't worry, I won't bite.
Well, I wish I could say the same.
Listen to me, Fi, OK. Your brother is in danger.
From what?
Just don't let them make him a full member.
-Pete, wait. -Stay away from the OSSN.
Hey, did you forget your room key?
Pete... Pete was...
[Jack] Pete was here? Why didn't you invite him in?
He left when he heard you coming.
Yeah, I think he's kind of shy, and I think he likes you.
You guys want to hear my speech?
We've got to think up some new jokes for Mom's opener.
-Hey, I like my jokes. -I just want to make a good impression.
-Something wrong? -I'll get back to you on that.
Romania? I thought they were all American.
Transylvania? Blood? They're vampires?
Fi? Fi.
What? What?
-Honey, did you pull an all-nighter? -I guess so.
Well, maybe you can sleep when you're old, too.
-Oh, Mom. -I'm sorry.
Listen, honey, why don't you grab a shower?
The ceremony starts at 10:00.
Great.
[knocking]
-Morning. -Morning.
-Mom finish the speech? -She's all set.
[chuckles] Let me do that.
You know how to tie a tie?
I had to learn when we went to Aunt Rachel's birthday party.
-Carey and Clu, they were hopeless. -[laughs] Oh, yeah, I remember.
So... you're really set on this initiation thing, aren't you?
-Absolutely. -Listen, Jack.
I'm really sorry about being such a load yesterday.
Hey, we're cool. Listen, I know none of this OSSN stuff is much fun for you.
Those people are doing a lot of good things.
In fact... I want to join.
-What? -I'm serious.
I know I'm not exactly an straight "A" student or anything,
but I thought maybe if they made an exception,
and if you worked with me.
You are serious.
Fiona, this is great. Of course, I'll work with you.
-Whatever it takes. -Can I go to your induction?
Sure. Yeah.
I mean, it's a whole big ceremony. There's even a party afterwards.
-Let's party. -OK.
[sniffing]
Do you smell garlic?
No.
Are you kidding me? We'd love to have you.
In fact, you know, an OSSN family
could be the perfect angle for an advertising campaign.
What do you think, Ms. Phillips?
-Um, sure. Maybe. -Let's talk about that later.
Shall we head in?
Fi, honey, are you doing this because you want to,
or because you're feeling left out?
Mom, it's OK. I'm doing this because I want to help.
I really, really want to help. More than anything.
OK.
[elevator dings]
Here we are.
You initiate people in the basement?
Something like that.
Run! They're vampires!
What are you doing? Just leave us alone.
Fi, I thought you wanted to join.
You talked about us on your website all night.
Get away!
[inhales deeply]
Mm... would you like to choose from our gift basket?
None of them work.
Just let us go and we won't tell anybody.
You're missing the point. We want everyone to know about OSSN.
-You do? -Of course.
No offense to my immortal kin, but the vampire community
has long been plagued with short-sighted strategizing.
I mean, please, sleeping in coffins? What sort of signal does that send?
No, we're about recruitment and expansion.
With your mother as our spokesperson,
we'll launch a cross-media advertising campaign targeting every demographic.
Of course, we'll leave out that whole pesky vampire thing.
You humans can be so... provincial.
-She won't do it. -Won't she?
No.
Molly, please stick your finger in your nose.
Thank you. As you were.
Within a generation, we'll control the thoughts of the world:
print, television, schools, governments,
perhaps even our own internet service provider.
And how beautifully ironic that we'll owe our success to Molly Phillips,
whose very own husband was the meddler who exposed my father as a vampire.
My dad?
Rick Phillips forced my father to flee back to Romania,
one step ahead of the authorities!
But after today...
no hard feelings. We'll be family.
Remove the females. I want to start with Jack.
Pete. Stay.
It's a great honor to drink with me, directly from the faucet, as it were.
-Don't you feel honored, Pete? -Of course.
Bring him here. Chop, chop.
By the way, Pete,
one of the members saw you in the vicinity of Jack's hotel.
Yeah, I... I went to see Jack's sister, to recruit her, like you said.
You know I'd never be disloyal.
Of course you wouldn't...
because you know the penalty for disloyalty is worse than death.
Cheers.
[wincing]
[gasps]
[laughing]
Oh, hi, Jack. Is it over already?
We were just arguing over who gets to be your date for the reception.
His neck is clean.
I did not dress for this!
Mom, Fiona, wake up!
Take your family and go. Now!
Mom, we've got to go. We've got to...
Fiona, these people are crazy. Let's go.
-What about my speech? -It was great. Let's go.
[girl] Sha! I broke a nail.
[growls]
Come on.
Come on!
Go!
[Fi] The OSSN website disappeared without a trace.
-Not even a link. -I still don't understand what happened.
It was like they just went wacko on us.
OK, thank you anyway.
Well, the police say that they found the building empty and unlocked.
No sign of Brent or anyone who knows anything about the OSSN.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
I know how hard it is when people don't turn out
to be what you hoped they'd be.
Don't worry, bro. You'll still make the world a better place.
You don't need them.
Hey, you want to help me with the song order for my set?
I'm going to put "Origami" in. I forgot about that one.
-Sure. -Great.
[Fi] After Jack told me what happened, I had to wonder
why Gabe's angel worked when nothing else did.
Maybe it wasn't about the angel itself.
Maybe it was about what's between Jack and Gabe.
The more I see, the more I believe.
Only love is stronger than evil.