You
So like this guy walks in his bar one day
And he said I haven't had a bite in days and then so this guy BAM
You know what where I got this pack of tiny ice see it's great flavor, but next time I'm sad and we copy
It's gonna be called nurse
It's gonna be called. Yeah
Thank You maestro, and it's gonna have a maestro. I got it. Yeah
It's my family back
Oh, yeah, brother's older sister could be an aunt someone but either it's a mother sister
I'm moving to a different position
Oh
I
Got gas
Guys you got some snacks
I did from the crotch candy. Okay. I'm both under the monitor miss
Okay, hold on now for the news, okay
Hello
Today in a bucket of so it's a bucket of saliva Yugoslavia. I lost my cheat fees
Someone lost their cheese fed
in a bucket of saliva
Yugoslavia, that's the news now. I'm gonna put my glasses back on. Okay. I have an announcement
Okay, thank you
I'm well
Okay, we're gonna have some more fun stuff
That's right. I don't know how we're gonna have the fun stuff
But he keeps bending over and picking up pieces of candy watch him break that pretzel
I never know we could do that. You see it's a professor Marvel show anything day. I'm the creator of this
That's why I blew chalk on my hands and I'm going to stick it up my armpit now and see what happens
It's warm
I'm now on the monitor miss look on the monitor. Am I on there my whole head?
Okay, that's good. Well, this is getting real boring
Now one more announcement I like to make is
Is the uh sears is open till nine tonight. Okay, normally they're open till nine o'clock
But it's nine this time
That's good, I'm gonna brought the snack down here look how much of a mess we are making
That's right. When will this be over? I'm getting very hungry
No, I didn't say hungry
All right. Now. I got one more thing to say tomorrow is
Saturday
I can't hold that in because I was having gas there. Thank you
Thank you. And now let's try it one more time or I put a fishy up my nose. Hold on
Oh, I like that. It's got nice in it. It tastes like cheese. Can I smoke cheese?
I think we made a new word on here and we're going to call it the cheese boy
Okay, anybody got a vacuum cleaner hold on
We have a mess down here so someone please give me the vacuum cleaner
Oh, we're gonna bring the vacuum cleaner in here. Oh, we got clean this set up
That's the bloody plunger I want the bloody vacuum cleaner. It's got poop stuck to it
Sorry, it's got that bloody poop stuck to it. I might as well pause this
Okay, I'm gonna bring the vacuum cleaner in here. Oh, we're gonna bring the vacuum cleaner in here
Oh, sorry, it's got that bloody poop stuck to it. I might as well pause the show. Oh, it's getting silly
Oh, it's getting silly. Oh, bloody silly
Oh
You're on
Booker's tastes good today
Well today on the professor marvo show we're having one guest one only I mean one and we're gonna have one newsflash
Because today's the one show
Even though it says anything day show and we're going to have one report from u.c. Lockie
Yeah, you still are yugoslavia and a bucket of saliva
And we're also gonna have a lady
And you'll see what happens now, let's have a commercial break
Come So what happened today first like we usually do
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Then the odds are three to one you're being hustled
Oh lower prices bigger selection guaranteed
Hello and welcome back
to the professor marvo show
And today's episode is only one
This is our
Only one craft you can make for christmas
It's for the little kids. So let's show up little kids
Get the supplies tape your mother's best crystal dish
And a safety pin
First you get the dish and you put one across do that then you put one down
And then you put one up sideways and then another sideways and it makes a little star
And that's when the safety pins come in you put stick it in there
And then
Get another green safety pin and stick it in there then you poke your finger up and let the it let it bleed
then rub it all over
The tape the white tape in fact
And then draw all of your mother's best crystal
Oh, thank you
now for a video clip
What is the same day is where anything can happen like what's happening right now where the dumb producer doesn't know what he's doing
And switching all the hats around. Oh, he's hurting me
Yeah, look i'm gonna tell you i'm you're gonna fall down the cake
Thank you mr. Davis and tell that santa claus I won't forget him either. Yes, mr. Macy
Oh
Santa claus i'm falling. He thinks he is santa claus
I'm falling and I can't get up is anything day anything can happen
In like painters or composers or and get out of here
Oh
His report we won't say a word
I'm getting something off of you
And I hate the music that's going on and anything can happen on anything day and those two are connecting suicide
Quiet
I'm anything is any day any day
And um, I hate the weather if not, then I guess i'm through
You
Hello and welcome back to the show
Now we're going to talk about
Sears and what can you get it and jc pennies? What can you get it? Well, here's the example of what you can get at sears
Bracelets damage to the nervous system
JC pennies you can get some cat food under john quinn
And
Would you get me the brooks memorial home in great neck
Well, um, we can also get hot dogs, I mean muffins
Buns and they smell like chocolate and cat food
Eggs
And don't forget refrigerators
Beautiful, isn't it?
Well, I think that's about all for the food part of the day now, let's get you the peace person in
California I called her a couple weeks ago and she said she'd call me back on my show
And I think this is the day
Let's wait for her call
Right for what I know will work motrin ib motrin ib
Be oh that girl is ugly. I don't like to admit it, but I do. He's ugly too
Did 10 years ago?
Oh here she is now darn it stop it that's better. Hello. No, no
Oh, you did. Oh my gosh. I can't believe it. You really got married
Did what you had a child? What kind of ice do you want?
Oh, you need advice on that
She needs advice on what do you do when the baby throws up?
Uh, well doctor doctor some voice coming out of somewhere says this
That was a scene of a lady watching her kids fight, but this is really what you do
Some days are made to last forever
Now four perfumes of refillable atomizer in velvet bag
Twenty seven fifty with you use one hundred thirty five dollars on cleaning supplies
Miracle on 34th street will continue
Then you pick it up with your bare hands
And stuff it into the fun part faster with pills berry roll it
Hey, it's fat guy. How'd it go claire?
Wait next call
now for commercial break
You sure did magna doodle. Let's your child draw in a race like magic
And this says I love you mom
Oh
It's just the morning and you don't need to caffeinated for two
Wake up to fulgur's coffee singles made with ground roast to caffeinated coffee from one freshly brewed cup
The best part of waking up these singles in your cup
I was just having a little break, you know coffee breaks always work and shows first you pour the milk
Then
Then the eggs then the things and you listen to a record. Well now we're gonna have our guest on
andy
No, that's next week's
Never mind, it's not andy. It's goat cheese, but now we're gonna advertise a special pillow. Come on throw it over
Next
A perfect dress it will fit two to zero year olds
and
We're not and some film pads for your bed
I guess those go crash a little and the oh, let just let me tell you this dress. I mean, it's just beautiful
How you can fit it on and there's also
Jackets that work that fit with it
And
And you can also well
Clean access yes, but there you go
Yes comes back we're gonna do more decorating on
And also you can come down to see your
Now let's have a special guest goat cheese
Please we'll be get back after this. Thank you
You
As I told you we are going to have goat cheese and
He's related
Welcome to our
only one
the professor marvel show
Today's topic will be about only one
Well, let me tell you a little about it. We're gonna have a guest only one goat cheese because goat cheese has a
Only one twin brother and that twin brother helps out with my show
Well
Now we're going to say some things about shopping at sears and jc pennies
Sometimes you find things like
cars
Sometimes you find cars
Wrong thing I mean chairs
They're a little bit bigger, but they come in little size, too
And you can get special clothing
like pizza hut t-shirts
And swimsuits and ovens
But they last longer than this and you can get a car
And a see-through dress
This car doesn't fall apart that easily
Let me put this together for the next drop
And you can get baby dolls guaranteed
Me and you also can get hats all different kinds of sizes my personal favorite
Stop it stop it stop it some technical difficulties
We'll be right back after this well, i'm sorry about that little junkies that that happened, but I don't think they will happen again
Now
Hello toys rs price of 149.99 for the fisher price three in one tournament table then the odds are three to one you're being hustled
Up
Welcome to the professor marvel show
Only one to be continued
It's the to be continued part of the show and
We have a special guest on today. She's gonna stay on the whole time hanging up to the microphone
And hey give a hand for barbie
She might just be going flying
I mean in a different way than just normal
She gets a 10.10
Next barbie
Come on, get ready to die
Just hold on
Okay
Oh
I missed
Well tonight on the show we're gonna have a special guest goat cheese
And more than just one barbie is going to be showing their butts
Yes
And we're gonna have the special shopping update on children's and adults and we're having goat cheese like I said, so and
We're gonna show more more how to make this craft and make it more interesting
And we're gonna show how to make crab juice
With our special cooking class
And why did I decorate this microphone because it's the only one microphone I can decorate
Send over
The headband
I just had to do that
Sorry, not my first ship
Well
the shopping
Thing well, let's have a commercial first
Buy one
Come on
Oh
I'm so sorry. I was busy. I was just dying my hair
I don't know just like it. I just where my comb go. I'll just come in out
Here's my new one, but I like my choker. Don't you?
No, I can't get my choker off. We're gonna have the phantom coming on soon
and um
I just really love the phantom. He's like so cool
He's like, okay
Compared to
Compared to goat goat cheese goat cheese has been a very nice friend. It's very nice. Um, if he wants to be
But he'll be coming on in a few minutes. So let's talk about
Um
um
The project how to make it prettier the crap
It's first, you know how I said to put blood all over it and then put a safety pin
Now how to wrap it up
Put it on the platform
Then take two
A piece of wrapping paper and put it over
All right
Then you take it has to be longer than the platform. Then you take
Like the extra pieces and then fold them on the side
Don't worry
Hey, hey, my name's saliva. He's my doggy. Hey, yeah
That's why he needs glasses he's the one who gave the idea of dressing the microphone up
Oh, we got a broken mic
And let me just go on with this well saliva is very good at doing things leave it leave it don't touch then
Then you tape the things and then on the back on the bottom to write to mom from crappy child
Who who
Who wrote this?
And who made this I hope like it
And don't don't put I hope you like it. Just put hope like it
I hope you're writing down these notes
And that's pretty much all
Now for the phantom
Okay, don't look at from the camera sit down
Get to see what that mask on
Um, this time really sit down. Excuse me. Excuse me
Don't ruin my painting now. How do you feel being the phantom?
Okay, it's okay talk congrats. Thanks
I don't like it. It's not fun. I'll pull on your mask
Oh, and you know this craft can be used for an ashtray
Phantom you're still on you have nine more minutes. We're waiting for the real face
Face 33 minutes. This is a fake thing, right? You know, it's exploding
And next we'll have goat shoes on
So this is the phantom's remainings
Very special next in a few minutes. We'll have goat cheese
Okay
now we're going to
Color the wrapping paper. I told you to get white paper, you know, okay now you can make some switch textures like
White with purple light purple
Or velvet green see through which I don't think you'd want to do or dark are green
Hi, oh I hurt my knee. Hold on. Oh goat cheese you're here. Hi. It's nice to see you again
Hi
So, how you doing
Okay, i'm so glad you're here
Now i'm gonna give the weather report so okay, there's a chance to upchuck because I
I farted. I'm sorry
I'm sorry
Oh
Good she's gone. Oh, well, it's my show. I invented it. Hold on
Okay, that's better, um, well welcome to the professor marvel show i'd like to make an announcement
Okay, thank you that's very nice and now we are going to stop messing with the camera
Okay, that's great well the set is finally cleaned up and now i'm gonna put this around my finger
In fact, no, it's the microphone
Oh gosh look at that what We got someone coming out here. Um, here's the seat for him
And they're just taking more clothes. Oh, well, um, i'll tell you about the show
Okay, we're gonna put a clip in
We're gonna put a clip in. Um, we just might as well pause the vcr and put the thing in let's pause it
Okay, I think you like this club, but don't throw
Ow that's right. Oh, don't make me laugh like that. I'm on the air. Oh, sure. Yeah tomorrow night
What?
Oh, hi, i'm back again. Hi, it's great to see you on the professor marvel show. Yes
one only one we got to change that
But no, it's
it's
Oh darn
It's oh darn, okay, that's the name of the show. Oh darn, okay
We're sorry. We had to change it on you, but we'll do the credits later. Okay, baby
Clap you again like that just like that clap you in the butt
Like that don't get me angry stop that
Hey, what are you looking at you fruit?
Oh look at her box butt. It's funny. Yes. It's very funny. Okay, you know why?
Blind people hate to go skydiving
Because it scares their dogs
Is that funny I made it funny I popped a funny. Oh, what's this? This is a dress
That is the smallest waste i've ever seen or maybe it's someone's butthole
Yay, look he's got something for me
I
Caught it here. This is what we call the entertainment place. Can you see it in the camera joel joe go
Yeah, that's the other piece to it. No more no more
Oh, yeah, there is another piece get the tabletop to it
No, I don't want pepsi
Give me the tabletop
No, the tape tabletop. It's white. Well, he's trying to find the tabletop
He's making a mess back there. I swear it is
No
Oh, no. Okay. We'll just eat like this. Okay. See this is what we call
This is it goes like this. See you drive the car
Oh, yes
Here we got someone coming in. Okay here. Say hi. Say hi
Okay, quick get down
You get down like that. Okay. Say hi. See this is goat cheese. All right. She's one of our unusual characters first time
Just give it to me
No, I have something for you. Yeah, no more
It's pepsi. I hate pepsi
Yeah
Hey you took the tape off
She's making me look pretty
No, no put it all back
Stop it. Okay, that's good enough goat cheese. Tell us it's in here. Oh great. It's compact
It's mine. It's not yours. Hold on. I need to put something on you. Look at yourself. Look at yourself
So
Hello and welcome to interviews today we're gonna have a special
Guest it's going to be a maker of icky poo
And well, also we're gonna have the weather and some other things. So let's have her come in. Her name is clutes
press
Oh and here's the icky poo is this icky poo? Yes it is
Yes. Well, can I ask you a question? Why is your name clutes cluts clutes
Clutes press
Um, I don't know. I was born and study arabia
Oh, okay
and um
How did you think of icky poo?
Well, I thought of it. Um
And when I was a little bit younger
When when they used to shoot their boogers at the t-shirt and everything so I thought
Because it's like a rubber band in a toy shop and here it says um that
That
That you should wash icky poo
Yeah, you should wash it says another one other prime rule
As you say when around here dirty icky poo is bad to keep you
Yeah, because when it gets dirty, it doesn't stick it won't stick and it leaves his dirt wherever it goes as soon as
There's your sticks. Oh, okay
So, um
Let me ask you another question
How will
Did you help did did anybody help you make icky pool?
No, nobody helped me just thought of it by yourself. How old were you then?
About uh 14 14. Oh
So you became famous when you were 14. Does this stuff have his own brain?
What happens if you eat it if you eat it well
If some of them smell like strawberry and stuff and a lot of kids think it smells like lemon
Gummy bear fruit and everything this one smells like grape and that one smells like lemon
And well if you eat just this part right here, you'll get like ill
But if you eat the whole thing, you'll probably choke on it and die
Okay, let's have a commercial break and when we come back we'll have a bucket of water and we'll see how to clean icky poo
Uh, we need the bucket of water
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I'm gonna get me some new kibbles and bits too stew stew stew stew
Oh
What a dog won't do for new kibbles and bits stew based in meaty kibbles bits with a taste of carrots and peas
Stupendous new kibbles and bits stew
Fisher price knows in a world where everything is bigger than they are
It's nice to have worlds where everything is smaller
Like a friendly farm where cows can drive
And pigs can fly
Or a busy garage where cars can park all by themselves magical places fueled by imagination
Which is why your kids will love playing with our new little people just as much as you once did
The new little people farm and garage
Fisher price knows
So
Welcome back to interviews and
And the special guest icky poo the owner of icky two clutz
Cress if you've just tuned in
Um, but now we're working with icky poo and we're gonna wash it but
But if you'd like to know what that was
That was santa
Riding a fire truck
Oh, and she's a little late. She was just getting ingredients
Okay
The secret to washing icky poo
You take a bowl of water
And you dip the icky poo in now you let it stay in there for
10 seconds
10 seconds, you must take out the icky poo and squeeze it out
And then you say the three magic words
moose booger
fart booger and ee
And then you take it out
Squeeze it one more time
And put it on a towel to dry
But don't you have to wash the lint off her if there's any lint on it?
Yes, but watch that's why it's in there for the 10 seconds. Then you take it
Okay, so you'll put it in
Let it stay in for 10 seconds
Okay, then you take it out and you squeeze it
then say
moose
booger fart booger
And ee
Then you put it back in
Now if you have a hole
in yours
Um, the lint will not come off very well because it's sticky
Because the out it's sticking too much
so now you take out your
thing
and
Take it out
And i'll move the water now some games that we're going to do and here is the icky poo book
By me
And it has lots of things
it has the icky poo story and
You have the care and feeding of icky poo
But you have to wash it and it tells you the rules
and we have other games and
The most favorite one is the frog tongue darts
What you do is you take your icky poo
Put this big part right here that looks like a frog tongue and put it back and then let it go into the sky
And then you want to let it go
And see if it sticks to the wall and we also you just twist it and you throw it against the wall
Try yours throw it against the wall and see if it sticks
But that's okay
See it's like a frog's tongue it also sticks to book pages
And
It also you can play jump rope with it what is the most active game that there is
Let's see
The most active let's see
Um the jump rope
Um
What's an easy one that you can play at home or anything
Icky concentration
Now this is what you do
You take pieces of paper and you put them around in the circle or you could put clothes or something like that
And you take your icky poo
And you sort of I thought I said it doesn't stick to clothes. Well, it will stick to certain clothes not
It won't stick to cotton. It'll stick stick to silk and when you do that
um
You try to aim for one of the pieces of paper
And that's an easy one. And if you get it you get points
And then another easy one is
Um
A fun one is icky poo tag you take your icky poo
Roll it into a ball and someone's running you throw it at him and hit him
And that's what that is
there's a lot of fun things you could do you could do shot sky poo and
Um, you have a paddle ball paddles and you try to keep it up in the air and stuff like that
and
Icky poo is the most popular toy right now
Most kids like to get green or yellow
And what is well
How much is this usually how much is this book usually with the icky poo?
Only about
Five bucks ten bucks
Ten bucks
Five bucks it's usually five bucks, but if you get two of them
It's ten and if you get two icky poos, it's ten
So if you usually get two bucks, it's ten or two icky poos
It's ten
Well where I got mine it was um, it came with two icky poos in the book and it was ten
Um, yeah, we get them at bookstores a lot
We
A lot of it's fun and um the most common place that we sell them at is um
Uh-oh is
Is butt biters
Well, I got mine at
Barnes and nobles for my kids butt biters is the thing and the sign on it
Ow
Well, there's sort of like a girl or actually it's a boy and it's standing there and you see a dog come and bite its butt
Butt biters and if you go into one big section
It's called um, they go to
It's called the icky poo the icky poo smoonoo
And if you go there, you'll see lots of icky poo different colors and everything
Oh, yeah, it sticks to the book pages and it's swaying over
And it's also good for picking up things and knocking down things and stuff like that
Is that all
Take questions
Okay, now we're gonna take some questions from our fans when we come back
Andy you're gonna be our fan
We're not gonna have commercials
We're not gonna have commercials. Well, here's a call. Here's a question from color number one
Uh, yes, I want to know if icky poo is able to
uh bounce off
a dog
Well
No, it's not because when it bounces up with the dog the dog will usually fly in the air with it
So, oh, that's that's not too nice
Nice, okay. Thank you next color
For yours. Um, is it true that icky poo is made from cowflop?
No, it's not made from cowflop. It's made from chemicals
Dangerous or okay
Okay chemicals, okay
Thank you next color
Oh, excuse me
No
Ed that was ed or fed or stupid guy. Okay. Next color
Um, can I get icky poos in packages of five million?
No, you can um, if you go to butt biters
There will be a deluxe package and it has 10 but it costs 20 bucks
Oh, that's nice. Yeah, it's time. You gotta go
You're welcome
Okay, and that was
Our interview of the day
Tomorrow, we're going to have goat cheese a very smelly goat
That was made of cowflops
Okay, bye
You
Uh, and any day any day is where anything can happen
Sorry, uh
Okay, um any days where anything can happen anything
Get that
Anything can happen no matter what happens
like balls flying not those kind of balls, but different
Oh, sorry
Um, well and he's putting over there. Um little one more. No, no cheese get this thing away
Bye. Bye. I don't need this thing. Help
Sorry guys, but i'm gonna have to speak i'm gonna have to speed
You can't see me uh guys we're recording uh, andy you're wasting tape
Oh, just kidding i'm gonna have to spew guys
Guys
Guys there's someone out there. There's a problem
Oh
At the indian
Uh
I like that and anything is anything day number three and our producer is dying. We better choke him
His stupid bum is he's taking my hand out and um today is anything day as i've been telling you and
Anything day is where anything can happen like what's happening right now where the dumb producer doesn't know what he's doing and switching all the heads around
Oh, he's hurting me
I'm gonna kill you and you're gonna fall down, okay
I have to show all to myself. Don't you turn up those lights? Oh
Oh
Uh guys i'm crazy i'm crazy
I've fallen and I can't get up
Up
Today is anything day anything can happen
And
Get out of here
Uh
And I hate the music that's going on
And anything can happen on anything day and on to our connecting suicide
Quiet
Uh
And um
I hate the weather
Somebody's dumping all this paper. I don't know who put it
Off that night. I don't know what the weather is but
Um
But um today was cloudy
And
Get these things off of me
Um and today today is balls day, but not those kind of balls
Uh, but don't do that. Quick quick. Don't throw two
And um
Okay, and next prep of t-ball practice is um
Next this wednesday, and that's the day after tomorrow
And get out of here. My name is andy swim. I live in naperville, illinois. Hi everybody. Welcome to the professor marvel show
She's gonna move
And uh
And that's our thing to do
You no, baby, he's farting on me
What's your name alexander what's your real name
That's not that's not right say it all right
Say your middle name too, but say it in or
You are mason david. Ewald mason david. Ewald. Hey close up
Welcome to the professor marvel show from naperville naperville illinois
The basement of andy swim
You look at room two and close up
We're gonna try to be on funniest home video
Yeah, we are
Things flying through the air
um
Uh, what else swole people hitting not really hard
You don't know and people know what's gonna go on
Hats can be changing
Everything can happen like this and well, no, no, there's glass on
Everybody pause pause. I'm like everybody stand still pause. Hold on guys. Don't make a move. Don't make a move. Okay, I want to
And then today is anything day as you know
And anything day is anything can happen and as it's now you can't see because the stupid
Need lead. Oh, please keep discovering me and hello
Okay, I was dying our other producer michael win
And I am
uh, jeez, um, um
as you know is professor marvel show and
and today is it might be anything day for half the time and
Sports day for half the time, but sports day. No, I don't think so
Put it down put it down. You're not allowed to use it
No, put it down mike. I really mean it
Don't do it
Oh, okay. No, and there's a producer doing something back there. What are you doing? What are you doing producer?
I'm rewriting our signs so it looks much better
Okay
Okay, as you know, we have a crazy little homeless person right here
Too bad, but
Ah, okay today is anything day and anything can happen anything except boogers flying at people
And as you know little michael and me hiding away from chanaynays and chanaynay is a word where
You're stupid that's why he's a really stupid person. Um
It's my brother. I can call him whenever I want stop. He's stupid isn't he? Yep. Ah, you are
Now shut up. You are jeff. Here's the microphone over to mike
Like
You are watching Channel 13, WZTR, Mount Laurel, New Jersey.
Out here with you.
Stay to your side.
It's funny right away.
I'm sorry.
It's my fault.
You're not a good son.
I'm sorry.
Come on.
Oh, okay.
You want to go down?
Alex, come on.
Okay, Alex.
Say hi.
Come on.
Okay.
Come on.
Let's go on.
Come on down.
There's a board, if you were in, remember the board.
Straight ahead.
Look at everybody else jump or catch up.
Look at the blackboard, straight ahead.
Look at everybody else jump or catch up.
Do you have other celebrations?
Look at everybody else jump or catch up.
When you think of it, history is really important even though you dread it at school.
So I'll just watch the rest of it and I hope you enjoy it.
Sit back and relax and enjoy the history here on Traveling in North America.
Now that's pretty clever.
I guess in a big blizzard it'll be.
That's me.
What, Andy has?
They don't have any calls?
That's me.
Very troublesome stuff.
I've used it before.
And I don't know much about it.
I think for coarse fire, and once it comes to coal, once all that corrupt part is burned away, the fire is not fueled by the wood, it's fueled by the tar and the vapors and those corrupt things bound up in the wood.
Once they are burned off and away, the fire just dies out.
Otherwise we ain't deserving of it.
What's that doing?
Making hinges.
What is the point of putting water on the fire?
To control it.
Control the size and shape of it mostly.
I can control the heat of it.
By washing it with water I can make the fire more hotter rather than cooler.
How did you learn your trade?
By apprenticeship.
It's the only lawful way to learn a trade.
Whether you do that apprenticeship for your father or for an unknown tradesman.
You see the hole, that's the hole.
Making hinges, dovetail hinges.
The corners go.
What are you actually making?
Oh look it's a cat.
I know what you can get.
Oh my god.
Hello and welcome to the Today Show.
This is our first show, it is December 14th 1995 and school is out and there is no school because of ice storm weather.
Yes, finally we're getting it, it's December and it's going to get worse next year, that's right.
Okay, let's see, forecast is snow and freezing rain.
And today on the show we're going to have two guests, which I know.
And let's bring out the first one, Emily Swim.
Hi Emily.
Hi, it's very nice to see you.
Okay, so you work with Freddie Industries, is that true?
Yes.
I was flattered on the show.
Oh you're farting, that's very nice.
Okay, so tell me, what is the big seller for Freddie's this month?
The little kids like the balloons.
They pop it because they leave it down and it sort of fades a couple days later and then they just sit on it.
Just like the normal helium balloons?
Yes, but it fades even shorter, shorter than our time to fade.
And for the adults, they like the notepads.
Yes.
Okay, so tell us, what are they?
What's their name and how much do they cost?
Is it a good deal?
Well, the balloons, it matters where they're sold.
I'm sorry, we're going to do that one more time.
Okay, please.
The balloons, they're usually sold at carnivals.
How much are they normally?
Just look at that.
At the gift shop, they're not blown up, they're flat.
So you have to actually do that.
Okay.
They're not blown up.
You have to fart inside of them and blow them up.
Oh, you have to fart inside of them.
Oh, that is very, very nice.
You stick a little straw.
Oh, I see.
You stick it in your...
And then you go...
So you go like that and the straw goes right into the balloon and you fart into it?
Yeah.
Oh, that's nice.
And then you wipe it off and then blow into it.
And the notepads...
Excuse me.
Okay, the notepads, yes.
Yes, the notepads.
Well, there's two parts to it, actually three.
The clips, they smell like strawberry to make it better when it parts.
Are there any other scents?
And then the pen that clips onto it, well, that's a little different because it's two
parts when you need to refill the ink.
Oh, so when you're refilling the ink, it goes like...
Yeah, and then the pads, when you flip, it goes...
How pleasant.
And it smells a little weird.
And that's pretty much all.
Okay, thank you for coming on.
That was Emily Swim with Works for Freddie Industries.
And the place you can buy Freddie products are at Mitchell Advertisement on the 87th
floor of the Trump Taj Mahal behind the hot water pipes.
And the notepads are about $0.75 or something.
Scent, right?
Okay, that's very good.
All right, thank you.
Have a nice day.
Hold on, wait.
That was nice.
Okay, now, hold on, let me get the smell out.
Now, direct from Sing Sing, under the table is P.U.
No, no, is goat cheese.
Please come up, goat cheese, the magical flying chicken.
Why not?
Okay, excuse me, that's next week.
Now, what is it this week?
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Katie Parsowitz from Mount Lowell, New Jersey, who works for Apple computers in...
What's the name of that city?
What?
Hawaii.
Is that the name of the city?
I forgot.
What is your occupation?
What do you do?
This is her occupation.
She is a mind...
Oh, she's being honked at, guys.
Quick, get on here, get on here.
Come on, quick, quick, quick, quick.
Say hi to the camera.
Quick, quick.
It's Katie.
That's Katie.
Okay, bye-bye.
Okay, that was a quick show.
No, yay.
Oh, thank God that helped.
All right, now, Emily.
Get your...
Thank you.
All right, now, now for the news.
Let me take a...
I've got to polish off my glasses.
Okay, Emily will be back after I do the news.
Okay, now for the news.
Oh, hell.
Hello.
Hi, my name's Andy Swim, and now for the news.
News.
Okay, today, Inc. and England.
Hold on a second.
Oh, right.
Today, in Fruitville, a lady with purple hair and pink Pantaz pints was found...
Naked?
Naked.
Oh, and he said he was thinking about six.
Six.
Sorry.
For many years, he lived in Hell...
Helland.
Sorry.
And that is the dude.
News.
Nude.
News.
Sorry about that.
I must be hallucinating again.
Hallucinating.
Hallucinating again.
This is Andanky Squeaking, saying good dang it, from the Stoot Eels at Undetidally Vision,
saying goodbye.
Good night.
Oh, I can see much better now.
Okay, now, we are going to have a crazy person we took off from...
Oh, yeah, we have to have a commercial.
I'm sorry right now, because there is no...
I'm jittering.
That's right.
I have the camera.
We'll be back for a commercial very soon.
Have a nice day.
We'll be back for a commercial very soon.
We got food and we all got poison ivy, and that was my vacation.
We drive and drive and drive some more, and that was my vacation.
After I went to a haunted mansion, I traveled into the future and hung out with famous movie stars.
And then I was attacked by aliens, got caught in a tidal wave, and went all the way to China.
Is that all, Billy?
No, but the rest is kind of hard to believe.
Call 1-407-W-Disney to make the dream come true.
So you can't keep up with your old ma, huh?
Not with this headache.
Where's your autumnal?
Oh, it's Advil now.
Mom, you never used anything but Tylenol.
Well, times change.
There you go.
Now, these days it's Advil I trust.
A lot of people do.
And you know, two Advil work better on tough headaches than any two extra-strength Tylenol.
Welcome to the 90s, Mom.
Why, thank you.
For safe and effective pain relief, Advil, nothing is proven to work better or last longer.
Welcome to nature's kingdom.
This week, man's quest for food.
First, be foraged, combing the wild near and far in search of edibles.
Soon, the advent of fire changed his eating habits forever.
Introducing Healthy Choice Microwave Popcorn.
The best-tasting evolution yet in low-fat snacks.
Guarding against predators, however, is a constant challenge.
Try new Healthy Choice Microwave Popcorn and eat what you like.
Blotty microphone. I have to get a blotty novel.
Oh, hi. Hi, hi.
Okay, we're back again, and we're about to have another guest come on.
She looks really funny.
And what's her name?
Cuckoo Slapalaka.
Okay.
Woo!
Something coming from me.
Okay.
Hold on, she just lost her hat.
Okay.
Cuckoo Slapalaka.
Hey, how you doing?
Good.
Oh, that sounds very good.
So...
No!
Okay, so what do you do?
Tell me, what do you do?
No, tell me what you do.
What do you do?
I fart.
No, what's your job?
I make hats.
Oh, you do?
That's my tiny, tiny job.
But I really...
You know, I feel my face is really very uninteresting.
But what do I do?
Please hear me, fellow, what a look.
You loser!
I'm not a loser.
You're not.
And my brother-in-law, he looks a lot...
He looks a lot.
You didn't hear that!
This microphone's getting really angry.
This is our special language.
It is?
Yee!
What does yee mean?
It means to lose.
I don't know, what the...
You got it on the microphone.
You're getting it all over the place.
What did I do?
Yeah, the chalk.
She's very chalky, so watch out, children.
Okay, ready to roll that video clip we got?
We're not?
What's wrong?
We're having technical difficulties, sir.
Running on...
Oh, what do you want?
Running on AV, right?
No, we're not, Captain.
Channel 4.
Yes, Captain.
Why can't we run the bloody video?
Because I didn't want to then.
I can now, Captain.
We are going to run the video now.
Okay, put the bloody thing in the...
The video is coming.
Okay, here's a good video.
It's really good.
Oh, that's very nice.
That video clip was me spying on guests at the Terror Inn Hotel, which were we.
That was us.
I was outside our room spying.
You know that I kept saying, here's Emily, little kid.
Also, I spied on the Thomases, too.
There's Thomases' kid.
Oh, I know him.
We put him in shit.
What?
We put him in shit.
Stepped in the shit?
No, we put him in shit.
Shit?
Yeah.
We loved it.
Oh, he ate some shit.
Oh, gotcha.
We put him in shit.
So, it's 604, and what, do you know where your chicken is?
Well, at the same time, I have to get to my university.
Let's put in another video, okay?
Maybe we can do a commercial.
We need to turn up.
Sounds good.
Oh, the phone's ringing.
I was really trying to.
That's very nice.
Okay, we are going.
Hold on, I have one announcement.
Wait, wait, one announcement.
This announcement is for people going crazy.
Look, I'm going crazy.
Okay, we are going...
Hold on, I have one announcement. Wait, wait, one announcement.
This announcement is for people going crazy.
Look, I'm going crazy. I don't want to go crazy right now!
Now, don't get Grandma too excited.
That's right. The poor dear is probably a bit weak.
She has been running on the same Taurus cell battery since...
The Ice Age?
Those Taurus cell batteries sure do last.
The Copper Top. No battery is stronger, longer.
Anybody know McDonald's Big Mac song?
To all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun. Oh, my!
To all beef patties, special sauce, as you know, onions, pepper, sesame seed, bun.
To all beef patties, special sauce.
To all beef cheeses, cheesy pee-pees.
To all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun.
I can do anything. Why can't I do this?
Have you had your mac today?
It's the biggest prize yet, so don't miss this sweepstakes from us.
You can be first, right here.
This holiday season, don't let a fortune pass you by.
It's the Discover Card Big Payback.
Just use your card for your chance to win one of eight quarter of a million dollar prizes.
It pays to discover.
The card with the big payback.
I know.
Bloody well, I think so. If you've got a problem with that, you might come and take it from me, bloody.
Okay, I'm making right now a cup holder, and it's very, very pretty.
I mean, it's all just for my cup.
Raw cup. See, look, it goes like this. It's not very nice.
Okay, now, we have another video. How nice!
And guess where it's from? It's in the description.
We have another video. How nice! And guess where it's from?
It's from the Professor Marvel shows, Anything Day.
It's got me, Luke, Jeff Sassano, and Mason Ewell.
That's all it's got, okay?
And I guess we'll just have a viewing pleasure.
And let's see it.
Hope we enjoy it. It's going to be a very good one.
Here it is.
Guys, I'm falling. I'm falling, and I can't get up.
It's cute. Today is Anything Day. Anything can happen.
And get out of here.
And so, get out of here.
Get off of here.
Oh, kill this thing.
Get something off of here.
And I hate the music that's going on.
And anything can happen on Anything Day.
And those two are connecting suicide.
Quiet.
Anything is Any Day.
And I hate the weather.
Somebody's dumping all this paper. I don't know who for.
Hi.
The camera at all means don't touch the camera. That's right.
Okay, now for the phrase of the day.
Today's phrase is go unfrock yourself.
It's spelled F-R-O-C-K.
That stands in England for dress.
A frock is a dress. So, everybody, I want to tell you something.
Go unfrock yourself.
Wait, we've got to write that down. I mean, it's so famous, okay?
Here we go. Go.
Go unfrock yourself.
F-R-O. Oh, it spells fro.
C-K. C-K. I hate C-K.
I like C-C.
Go unfrock your...
Self. There we go.
Go unfrock yourself, you bloody...
Beefy.
Go unfrock yourself. How's it look, Matt?
Oh, great.
Okay, that's good. Where do we put this? Oh, I know somewhere to put it.
Hold on.
Oh, how magically. A pen.
I've got to get my phone back.
Okay.
Hey, I heard that.
Smell these.
Beef.
This chair keeps getting in my way. I think I'll shoot it.
All right, now, this means it's me.
Okay, now that announcement about people going crazy, Matt, I'll protect your ears. I'm about to do it.
Okay, this is...
Okay, people want to go crazy. You're not so crazy.
I'll go crazy! I'll go crazy! I'll go crazy!
I had to do that.
Right now, I must do my thing.
All right, now, shall we end the show? Yes, shall we end the show? Yeah, should we?
What's the time on the VCR?
Oh, I don't know.
It's flashing 12, 12, 12, 12.
No, no, hit the display button. Hold down the panel. Hit the display button.
I've got to tell you, I've got to fire some good people.
11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 19, 33.
Now, I mean, how many minutes?
19 minutes.
Let's go to 20 minutes, everybody, okay?
We've got another 10 minutes of show to do, sir.
How many minutes are we at?
You're at 19 right now.
We'll do a 20-minute show, put it in commercials.
Yeah, my bloody bad. Don't worry about it.
Okay, Sal, should we cut the show now or shall we just cut the show now?
Okay, let's cut the show now.
Okay, well, we'll just see you and have a nice day. Bye.
Peace, peace.
Oh, I thought I had some gray hairs, I'm sorry.
Well, welcome to Professor Marvose Show. I'm Black Eyes.
I'm one of the 100 Professor Marvose out there.
Today we're going to have a weather report, a nose flash, and a guest,
and a shopping district person, and a person from North America and Chicago.
And let's get on with the show.
Hello, and welcome to the weather report.
I think we'll start with the western part today.
In Maine, in Dover Fox Corp, on Highway 16, there's a big pile of poop.
And Colorado, in the Z area, or shall we say the N area, on Highway 550,
on Meastorrington, you'll go through a bridge.
And in South Carolina...
Hold on, hold on. Oh, my goodness. This is causing changes in it.
Hold on. Technical difficulties, everybody. Sorry.
It happens all the time.
Yes, it does. Stupid cow.
What's going on?
Okay, it's good. It's off. It's off. It's up. Wake up.
And don't touch the board again. It'll break.
Go, go, go. Come on. Get on the news.
Okay. Now, as you can see, in the...
In the key, I think that's what this thing's called,
you can see the national parks, monuments, and other points...
Inventor.
...ponds of interest.
Interest.
Interest. Thank you. And let's find that.
Here's one.
D.A. Mosles.
L.A. T.T.
I watch the Egyptian channels,
because I steal singles from my satellite, from their satellite.
Well, in Nevada, I forget.
Okay, in Washington, D.C., there's a city,
a new city called Seattle.
And then there's Tomica and Kent.
Red Tin Tin. Tin Tin Tin. Kingston.
And if you've heard and listened to the other crap news stations,
you would see Alaska.
And right near Alaska, a new country is born.
Yukon.
Listen up, little ones.
You'll be learning about this soon.
And just let me cross here.
In Quebec, they want to speak Spanish.
But the other people want to speak French.
And the other people want to speak Aedicism.
And the other people want to speak Egyptian.
I hear them, please.
Hello.
Now for the news flash.
I'm drunk, but guess what?
Since then, I got divorced with Mrs. Claus.
He said, from his point of view, he's fed up with the cookies,
and he wants to go on Nordic track for once.
And Mrs. Claus says she doesn't like fat men.
So, little kiddies, listen up.
You might have to have Christmas ever again,
because the reindeer have pink eyes.
And Santa's getting better every minute.
And Mrs. Claus is growing blue hair.
And I'm sick of Christmas, too, if you'd like to know.
So don't feed Santa cookies.
And now Mrs. Claus is getting fat,
and Mrs. Claus is pregnant.
And she's going to have more elves.
And the elves, I mean, the elves,
she's not pregnant, but I'm just kidding.
But the elves want a raise.
Can you believe it?
And the reindeer, they want to cut off their hair
and shave their body.
And they want to be a skinless reindeer.
They want to dance around like Elvis.
And I think, personally, it's not very good.
Oh, well.
I'll talk to somebody in California.
Hello?
Anybody home?
Oh, yes, now for the phrase of the day.
If you feel down, go down down.
Just don't go down.
Let me repeat that.
Remember, the phrase of the day is,
if you feel down, don't go down.
Go to the toilet.
Now, who has a problem?
I have a problem.
Hi.
Welcome back.
If you've heard, there's going to be a guest in the chat.
And there's also going to be a new way to grow hair.
But there's something more.
The newest music video.
And this is how it will go.
Let's go.
Oh, sorry.
And that was our new music video.
But I prefer to call it the Twilight Zone.
And then you get drunk.
We have the Twilight Zone.
Would you like that?
Yes.
Okay.
Let's put that one up.
No, the Twilight Zone.
Um, who says you want to play it?
Your choice.
Katie, here.
I got the studio set up.
My brother has the studio taken down.
No, it's up.
It's up.
We're taping right now, Emily.
Excuse me.
Be quiet.
Um, I don't know.
Five minutes left in the show.
Hurry up.
We're going to put the credits on.
What?
What did you say?
I don't care.
Your house, I guess.
Okay.
Sorry about that phone call.
Okay.
Bye.