Thanks for watching!
Oh yeah! Everybody rockin' wanna rock some too!
Oh yeah! Oh yeah! I wanna jump like I used to do!
Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Everybody rockin' wanna rock some too!
Oh yeah! I wanna jump like I used to do!
Oh yeah! Oh yeah! I throw my hoe! I throw my hoe! I dance with the meat!
Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Everybody doin' the jig!
Hey! That's my bitch!
Looks like you need your ears bobbed.
Thanks for watching!
What are you lookin' at?
Just waiting.
Waiting for what?
Where'd you get that t-shirt?
My guy was selling them on campus.
I defend some people.
Why? Because it says bastard?
Because of what it represents.
Spill baby, spill.
It's a complicated story to explain.
Sit.
To some, the science bastard was a hero.
Those people are fools.
He was a criminal, a vigilante.
Wait a second. If he was such a big deal, why wouldn't I have heard of him by now?
You were only a little girl back there.
Nobody knows much about his life before he became the science bastard.
Hey, hello. How's everyone today?
Mr. Experiments wants to talk about experiments today before we get on the way with some of the more, uh, tedious parts.
There are rumors, of course.
Stories of his misfit.
His experiments gone wrong.
So all knowledge comes to us today.
There was a time, not too long ago,
darkness and ignorance ruled.
In these days, when science was attempted,
often the practitioners of this science would begin.
And, uh, they charged for it.
They were pedagogues of darkness, ignorance, and...
I would like some people today who disapprove of certain practices that we won't go into today, but...
We know a little more about his adult years.
He was employed at an important factory.
But all was not well.
He apparently suffered the disrespect of his co-workers.
And there were rumors of a bad girlfriend.
Kitty.
He was plagued by terrible pain.
Haunted by frightening visions.
He was slices of flesh.
Oh
He took these visions as a sign a path he must follow if he was to find relief
It's science
Oh
And so began his career as a scientist
Oh
Dude, we're a couple years by crime
What the
Oh
Who is it?
I wouldn't believe how much beer I had to drink to make that work.
Don't zip that up.
There's something in there I want to rip off.
Kill me, torture me, whatever.
Just lay off the performance art.
You've got a hole in your head.
You let your monkey loose.
My monkey?
You made me a self-made man.
Don't blame me.
You gave me the ways and the means.
You popped my top.
I went from making fifty, sixty bucks a job to netting three, four hundred dollars every time I do my work.
I felt like I could build an empire with that kind of dough.
Marry Tanya Roberts.
Don't worry baby, an ape can take many wives.
So what did you do before?
You know.
I'm not going to be wasting my time.
I'm interested in you.
It's my creator.
My dad.
Okay, don't.
And don't call me dad.
You should be proud.
Look about you.
I am the king of crime.
It's more like the king of the one car garage to me.
What does this look like to you?
Just don't ask me to pull it.
How about the dick-Hartoonian finger of death?
Will you take over for me, will you?
It's a monkey.
It's a bee.
It's a monkey.
It's a bee.
It's a monkey.
It's a bee.
It was then, after his torture at the brutish hands of the skunk ape, that the story became truly bizarre.
Hiya.
Welcome to the show.
Mr. Experiments, remember?
You're not on the air anymore.
Hey, you're hurt pretty bad. Let me.
Can you call an ambulance?
No phone.
I think I'm bleeding to death here.
Hey, you're right.
Do you know how much blood is in the human body?
Oh, a lot less than I'd like to think about right now.
What are you doing here?
You were showing off the air when I was, like, fifteen.
Life goes on, son.
Even though I lost my show, I continue to exist.
But you look exactly the same. You're wearing the same clothes.
You don't think the lab coat suits me?
It's not bad. It's something else. Something about a heroin overdose.
Just ugly rumors, my friend.
But I saw it on TV. It carried the body out of a motel.
Science never dies.
I'm pretty sure I'm dying.
I'm not certain, son, but you could eat my brain.
It's as if a door wasn't locked.
Well, sort of.
When you eat my brain, you'll be stepping through that door.
I really don't want your brains, Mr. Experiments.
You're a haunt, a spook.
What else are you going to do?
This'll do.
It's going to taste bad.
The knowledge and strength we'll gain will astound you.
It's science.
You need to open that hole in there.
Shut up.
By consuming the brain of a junkie phantasm,
Vigilante became a practitioner of nefarious science and a true science bastard.
Miraculously, he recovered.
Tended his wounds.
And then, vengeance.
So whatever happened to this guy? Why haven't I heard of him before now?
Well, that's the question, isn't it?
After his battle with the Skunk Ape, the science bastard simply disappeared.
Who sold you this crock?
Oh, it's all true.
How do you know if this crap was...
Intelligence gathering is very important before an invasion.
And now, the elimination of your species can begin with you.
Space creature!
Return to human form immediately, or I'll be forced to issue wolf tickets.
That's right.
Four stars!
I want to be...
You're one of my four stars!
Come at me, please!
You're one of my four stars!
Nice shirt.
Yeah.
Why don't you sit around in this bar?
I got Hitler's brain in a jar.
I'm a science fair superstar.
Nobody likes it.
Science faster!
I've got the future guy beat by a mile.
And my ropes deep in a vial.
I've got a backyard nuclear pile.
Nobody likes it.
Science faster!
Ah.
You're one of my four stars!
Space!
Robots!
Action!
Fun!
Yay!
Science faster, is that the one that you've been trying to do for a while?
Yeah, this is just like a short film.
Say that again.
2.30 tomorrow, beginning of shooting at Science Bastard 2002.
Science Bastard grew out of a public access TV show called Cheese Flicks that I used to do with my friend Craig Chrisinger.
This was back in 1989, 1990.
And we had built a set in the basement of this apartment that I lived in at the time that was just really crappy.
It was just movie posters and porno flyers and stuff thrown up on the wall and we sat in these little chairs in front of it and reviewed movies and acted like dorks.
But there was one night where we were having a party and just decided to take advantage of the fact that we had all these people around.
So we herded everyone down into the basement and shot this introduction to an upcoming episode.
It was basically intended to fake people out and make them think they had tuned into the wrong show like anybody cares on public access.
But it was this dance party show called Dance Jam 98 or something like that.
Hey everybody, welcome to Dance Jam 91. I'm Dan Gregg. We're playing the hottest hits and the oldies and goodies and all kinds of stuff you've never heard on TV before.
It's all the cool new music and we're playing it all at Dance Jam 91 with the Dance Jam 91 dancers. Check them out!
Gregg! Jesus Christ!
I need the money! It's a part time job!
And it was hosted by this guy who was playing this character named Dan Gregg and for some reason Dan Gregg wouldn't die.
Dance Jam 91, no Gregg. You can't rent the set to the train guy. That's a wholesome show.
Dan Gregg is a sleaze. I told you to stay away from that guy. Dan Gregg is the reason the Cook Your Ass Off isn't on.
No, that's off because it was Terrell.
That's a great show. He came back in a wrestling show that we did and what finally led to Science Bastard was this show that I wanted to do about Dan Gregg being this big behind the scenes wheeling and dealing guy at the public access station.
And he was going to be doing a TV show called Science Bastard and it wasn't like the kind of psychotic vigilante superhero kind of thing that it eventually became.
It was more just like a science show only he was this total prick and all of his experiments hurt people somehow. He was just this prankster.
We never made that show because we were all pretty lazy I think.
Eventually though we started shooting a short and I don't know how the transition was made but in this thing he was this sort of superhero kind of character but he was a lot more dark man style.
I mean the costume was like a wrestling mask with part of the mask burned away and like a stingy brim hat and a trench coat and he had these ridiculous gloves that we made that were made out of foam rubber with baby bottle nipples glued to them.
And for the life of me I don't think there's any of that footage left anywhere which is probably a good thing.
In 1993 I had opened my own video store called Wavy Brain which was just this little hole in the wall that specialized in kung fu movies and monster movies and all this kind of stuff.
And I had everything sort of you know nerdishly organized into sections. It was like the Mario Baba section and the John Woo section.
I also had a J.R. Bookwalter section. I had started talking to J.R. on the phone a year or two before that when I worked at another video store I was ordering his tapes for that store.
But I was just totally influenced by this guy. You know the fact that he was off in Ohio making his own movies the way he wanted to make them.
Not anybody telling him what to do. I just thought that was the coolest thing.
I started writing this script and that in itself is kind of a weird story because I had taken a little side job.
A friend of mine named Wade Stevens who was a videographer had offered me a job running a second camera on this seminar that he was videotaping.
And it was just unbelievable. It was like this real new agey thing where it was like five days straight. People swinging these little pendants around on chains.
And they'd hold it over your head and depending on which direction it spun whether it went in a circle or back and forth told you whether you had a brain tumor or not or something like that.
And they'd hold it over somebody's drinking water and say ooh it's got chlorine in it or whatever.
And I thought my head was going to explode after about two hours of listening to this crap.
No just another one of my headaches.
I decided the next day that I would just work on the script for Science Bastard.
Because my job consisted of nothing more than just popping blank tapes into this camera as it needed them.
I didn't have to move it, adjust, anything. So I just sat back behind this camera writing the script.
And about third day or something one of the guys involved in the seminar came up to me and congratulated me on my enthusiasm for taking notes.
Which is pretty funny because I'm sitting back there writing. And then her naked breasts are splattered with gore.
After the seminar was over I had more or less a finished script.
And it was just ridiculous to think that I could even try to shoot this thing. It was just full of impossible stuff.
I mean stuff that's not impossible for anybody who has ten dollars.
But we didn't have any money to spend on this movie and really didn't have any time.
It was full of over the top effect sequences and these big John Woo inspired action scenes.
And a lot of cast members and stuff and it just never worked.
But we blindly just plowed into it and we shot maybe 10-15 pages worth of the script.
And some of that footage is just gone forever. I don't know what happened to it.
I was watching House of Cindy. What did I say? House of Dracula. I said House of Dracula.
I don't even have cable. How could I be watching House of Style?
No I was not beating off. If I was beating off it would be to something much more lured than MTV.
I don't know what you are getting so jealous about.
But we realized it was just never going to happen. There was no way.
We were shooting around everybody's schedules and shooting until like 3-4 in the morning sometimes.
And it just wasn't going to work.
I started writing a new script and I got 25 pages or so into it.
And I realized not only was I making the same mistake that I made the first time around.
Because I had just overburdened this script with characters and settings and this sort of thing.
But I also realized that really this whole draft of the script existed
because I wanted to get in the pants of this waitress at this local tiki bar.
And I had made her the main character. I had written this part for her in the script.
And she was in it more than the science bastard.
So I kind of realized I don't even really care that much about getting into this girl's pants.
I decided this time to try and do it right.
So what I did was went back to that original script that was written during the swinging pendant seminar.
And just condensed it into about 20 pages with this framing sequence.
So it's almost like an extended trailer.
And that's what we're shooting now.
Music
Back to the scene.
Music
Oh man, that's a lawsuit.
Music
Okay, that's much better.
Music