Tonight's edition of Roy and HG's Planet Norwich is rated M for mature audiences.
It contains material which may offend some viewers.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, from the high church of Chichester, from the top temple of Twickenham, welcome to Planet Norwich!
Tonight featuring on the Celestial Soundstage, the Cheddar Singles!
Picture yourself in front of the world, just picture yourself as a Norwich girl.
With Norwich hiding you, you're ready to start, look to the beat of the planet's Norwich heart!
And swinging on a star, Lord Cheese and his lunchbox!
And now, direct from the back end of the Barrier Reef, please welcome HG Nelson and Rob Paging Roy Slabam!
Yes, yes, yes! Thanks very much Stanley Stoughton and the Soundproof Booth, thanks very much the Cheddar Singles, thanks very much Lord Cheese...
Thanks very much Lord Cheese and his lunchbox! Hi there, sports specialists, and welcome to Planet Norwich on another night when too much variety will be barely enough!
Tonight it's a Toton football special with the drinks Lung and Large upstairs in the Pogo Lounge, where the Flutes will be pointing north and the Fat Grooves will be tuned up and turned on till dawn!
But before we cash in our fistful of winning chips, Paging Roy Slabam, who or what has been flung from the spinning roulette wheel in your direction? This week, Squire!
Thank you very, very much HG Nelson. I'm livid this week HG, absolutely livid.
Ben Lecomte, a Canadian Frenchman or a French-Canadian, claims to have swum across the Atlantic with the assistance of a boat, the assistance of flippers, the assistance of a wetsuit, the assistance of an a la carte menu every night.
He swam for two hours a day, perched himself on the boat, stopped off at the Azores for seven days, on the way over, and of course swum in the Atlantic.
That's not swimming in the Atlantic, you might as well have swum for two hours in his backyard pool!
Swimming in the Atlantic is covering yourself in pig fat on one side, tying a funny bit of fishing line to your tackle with a hook, and living off the sea while you swim across!
Paddle on your back at night using the tool as a sex pen!
That's right, absolutely, totally.
Swimming by the stars! And when you land in, I don't know where he land, where, it doesn't matter! That's when you know you've landed!
Yeah, that's right.
That's swimming in the Atlantic, unassisted, unaided, just you, fishing line, a hook, pig fat, and an idea! Sorry.
That's alright, don't be shorted that one out, and certainly the Australian way would be the way you describe it.
The only one.
Yes, yes, this French gear, this continental gear, never mind whether it comes from Canada, is best left in Europe.
Yes!
That's what I say. If they want to do it that way, that's fine.
That's fine! But don't call it swimming in the Atlantic.
And now on the planet, let's face it, it erupts as we welcome to the deeper man who is one of the, well let's face it, one of Norfolk's largest living mines.
Sure there's a lot of dead big ones, but this bloke is living. He's basically an open cut quarry of ideas.
But this man was born to be wild! Planet cheers, can you get out on the highway? Can you plant the pedal to the metal?
Can you burn rubber as you welcome Stephen Fry!
Stephen, let's get the plug out of the road to start with.
In your new autobiography, you claim that one of the greatest regrets of your life, one of the greatest regrets of your life, was knocking back an MCC membership offered to you at a certain stage.
I put it to you, that's a load of garbage.
Do you want to join a club that only this week has decided to admit women to it?
Well, that time I thought there was a strong chance that I was a woman, of course.
You see there are lots of things that you can regret, but you can catch up on. You can regret for example not being able to play billiards or the piano.
It doesn't take you 20 years to begin to play billiards. Once I'd missed that small window of opportunity, I could never join the MCCCCCCC again.
It's just 1200 in Latin, isn't it? But fortunately I just have to rely on friends now to invite me to big matches.
Look, the difficulty that I had was that you couch this in a position in the book where you're on the lam from the law, you've got a fistful of stolen credit cards, the shoes are giving you away, your parents don't know where you are.
It's your 18th birthday, you're smashed out of your mind in some Swindon abode, if I've got the right address, on some cheap plonk sent up pouring out this heartfelt thing.
And the only thing you can really regret, heartfelt thing about every kiddie who's been born in this book, Stephen, the only regret you've got to report to us is the fact that you couldn't join the MCC when the report was out.
I'm sure I didn't put it quite like that. Obviously my real regret is that 100 years later in a similar situation, on the lam from the law, drunk out of my face, when arrested I would have been obviously put on a boat and sent to Sydney, but instead...
I noted with interest that one of the first Australians you met, seeing you've raised Sydney, was Ashley Mallott, the great off spinner, whom you found just a trifle negative, I think, from memory.
Well, it wasn't that he was exactly negative, it's just that I was at this lunch at a great old family friends who often put up Australians when they're playing in test matches near London.
And there were two, there was Ross Edwards, who I'm sure you remember, and Ashley Mallott. And what to me, they just epitomised two immense differences in sportsman's attitudes to sport.
Ashley Mallott said, the problem with playing professional international sport was that the pain of losing was far more intense than any pleasure in winning, so that in a sense you were always going to lose.
Whereas Ross Edwards said, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, it's winning, winning, you're just up there, nothing beats that. And I think that is two types of mindset.
And I suppose without getting too serious about it, that is one of the problems with sport now, is that there is such intense pressure on those who lose, particularly of course in America as we know, that the fear of losing is much, much, much greater than the desire to win in some way.
Yes. I, Ashley Mallott put out a book quite recently where he...
How did I miss that?
Well, he does refer to the meeting he had with you. And he says of England that to know England is to drown in a sea of disappointment.
That's a mallott crushing a peanut, isn't it?
Yes, yes. Do you have any reaction to Ashley's position on England?
I think disappointment is the only word I would cribble with. I think to know England is to drown in a sea of embarrassment. I think that's our national emotion, isn't it? Embarrassment, a lot of disappointment. These things happen all the time.
There was a woman recently who said a lot of nasty things about Norfolk. I don't know if you heard about this.
Joan Wilson, I think.
Oh, obviously you did hear about her, yes, yes. Which was sad. She said it was boring.
Frankly, I know only a boar can find places boring, can't they? I mean, you know, exciting, interesting people will go to Antarctica and go, gosh, look at this, it's fascinating.
Well, speaking of Norwich, you're a Norwich local.
Yes.
Are there any haunts that you still like to visit around?
Halls, Halls, 1st Street for Halls.
I thought it was King Street, King Street.
King Street, King Street and 1st Street, yes, absolutely. Yes, well, the furry birds and the dollybutchers and...
Is 1st Street a place you still loiter about?
No, there used to be a wonderful place, sadly now gone, sort of opposite with the opening to this new extraordinary mall we have, or mall. I'm still like most English people, never quite sure whether to say mall or mall.
We say mall, Americans say mall.
We get embarrassed and sort of fall in between and go, that new mall, because we're not quite sure.
I was thinking mall would have one ill.
But there was a word, God knows what, on the dark night of the third it was born, but this little coffee house had a nice, it was a delicatessen really, and underneath you had coffee and things.
And this word, it just erupted in the mind of the owner, whose name was John, and he called it Just John's Delicateek.
I don't know if anyone remembers Just John's Delicateek.
I think there's a flower teak in Holt, I don't know if it's still there. It's obviously a Norfolk thing, but teetee on the end of it.
It's the kind of tweez you can get without drowning in vomit, really, isn't it?
Really extraordinary, delicatiek, but I miss Just John's Delicateek.
The Norfolk area has given you a bit of a belting note, if the book is to be believed, in a way to set you hard tasks and hard hurdles to get over as a kiddie.
Roy, I think what it is is that it's no matter where I would, oh Christ I've done this one.
Give me Roy!
I know, I'm just reading left to right. Call yourself H.G.M. Roy then, and then sit in that way.
Sorry, I'm sorry, Mr Nelson.
I think it's not Norfolk, I haven't grown up in Norfolk.
I think most people who are either growing up or have grown up would realise that really it's the kingdom of adolescence, or the Republic of Adolescence, is the embarrassing and terrible place to be.
And it doesn't matter actually whether in Norfolk or Scotland or in Alderbury or Donga.
That's frankly, the point is that it wasn't Norfolk.
Of course everyone who grows up in Norfolk says, oh well that's so boring, there's nothing you can do.
I have heard people who live in flats in German streets in Piccadilly say, there's nothing to do in the evening.
It's a kind of condition of adolescence to say, oh it's so boring isn't it.
Believe me there are adolescents who live in Times Square in Manhattan who say, God it's so boring, nothing you can do.
As if they have in their heads some planet which is even beyond planet knowledge as a place of excitement.
I was expelled from schools and things like that, but it was all much to do with my age. It wasn't Norfolk. Norfolk helped me, it held my hand.
Norfolk's my father, my mother, my one night stand, my father confessor, my love mate, my joy, my matron, my nurse, all rolled into one.
Yes.
I've noticed that here now it's illegal to hit your kiddie with a stick. It's thought of as being too cruel.
It seems to me sending a kiddie away to school at the age of seven or eight is a much crueler thing to do than to occasionally hit it with a stick.
I think cruelty comes from inside. I tried to make the point of my book. Yes I was sent away to prep school when I was seven.
But then so was everyone else I knew. That's a different issue. The kinds of people you know. I lived right out in the middle of the country.
Other boys my age and one played with lived seven or eight miles away. One would sort of bicycle over to see them and they were sent away to school.
And don't forget when you're seven and you're sent away to school, everyone there at that school has been sent away as well.
And it was the most normal thing to me that there possibly was. I have no sense at the time that it was cruel.
I think the real cruelties that you suffer, the real abuses you suffer apart from the obvious and appalling criminal ones that you're all aware of are those of injustice.
Something that always really upsets children. You know I didn't mind being beaten but I hated being beaten when I knew I wasn't guilty.
And I'm prepared to swing along with the times. Our great great grandfathers who I'm sure many of them were deeply moral people cheerfully put coffee spoons into them knowing it had been picked by slaves.
Now we would never do such a thing. We would feel that it was grossly immoral. But are we saying that our great great great grandfathers were deeply immoral people?
I think we have to accept morality is something that moves. There was nothing intrinsically wicked.
And I'm sure our great grandchildren will look at our generation and say how could they have done that? And I think that's the point.
I'm lucky enough to say hand on heart that I don't think I was ever beaten out of sadism or perversion.
And I remember the pride with which one would show one's stripes to one's friends and do you know.
You only got it seven times this week. I got it eight times. So I really didn't sense any abandonment or anything.
Well, but what is clear in your book is a sort of emotional needs and an emotional vacuum that was difficult to fill that you had to fill with your own imagination.
That to me is a most unhealthy situation to be in.
Well, it's called human life. I mean, I don't know an adolescent who hasn't felt to some extent.
Oh, adolescent. Sure. But we're talking here from the age of seven. Now, the age of seven, it's a totally different proposition.
I mean, children have an emotional craving at that age. Now, it wasn't fulfilled at all.
No, I can't be certain on my upbringing. I mean, my brother is one of the nicest, most decent, balanced people you've ever met.
He had exactly the same upbringing as me. And maybe because I'm a middle child.
I mean, I sort of think explanations in a way aren't relevant because I wasn't a middle child until I was seven.
If you know what I mean. I thought I was just a second child.
Sure. But one does resort then to explanation.
What I would say is that there's a sort of intellectual sensitivity, but not necessarily an emotional one.
That's right. I think and I think that something that was observed in me by anybody of insight at the time was that I was emotionally, developmentally delayed or whatever.
And I think it can be a kind of curse that if you're quick with words and you see patterns in things very quickly, you can mimic adults so convincingly that people think you're really quite sophisticated.
But inside, you really are still a child. I mean, I've seen just occasionally, I've done the odds celebrity isn't that the nastiest word in the world.
Chess challenge or something where you see a I remember Matthew Sadlow's now at your master.
But at the time was about sort of eight or nine or something. And he was doing a simultaneous chess exhibition and playing chess of a sophistication and intellectual complexity that is simply battling.
And then really he was sort of leaving the ball and going, and with chess, you can see it because it's a sealed off album.
Because it's a sealed off abstract sort of thing. But with me, my I'm certainly wasn't gifted him.
But I was good with words and charm and manner. But inside was was as immaterial as all get out.
So it's as if you're aware of the other world, but completely in equipped to deal with it.
Look, speaking of celebrities, Roy's been out and about capturing some British celebrities on film and he's managed to track down a beautiful piece of backdoor Bill Hague, whose work we are very impressed with, you know, vocally.
I'm not just saying that for cosmetic purposes, as they sometimes do in the 11th. Yes, that'll do. That'll do.
Thank you. Yes. Yes. Can you tell me about I find his accent really weird.
Now for me, from where I come from and for HG, it's difficult for us to see the different diets.
But his accent strikes me as being a weird marriage.
So much so that it sort of comes from the back of the throat. Yet the sound comes from about eight inches, old speak, from the front of his mouth. It's like a ventriloquist doll.
It is, which is complimented by his appearance, it must be said.
I wouldn't want to descend to know personalities or on appearance.
His timbre, I think is what is weird. His accent, I think he's trying to reclaim some Yorkshire. But I mean, these real mistakes, I think are, you know, there is something so uniquely embarrassing about a man like that putting on a baseball cap and going to a Caribbean street festival.
I mean, it just makes you really, I was excreting breeze blocks of embarrassment. It was just so painful.
He, as everyone knows, came to our attention when he was a precocious, I think 15 year old, possibly even younger, and made some speech about, you know, pushing back the frontiers of the state or something, some sort of vaguely Hayekian politics.
And then every thought, bring back bullying.
This was a Conservative Party conference, wasn't it? He must have been eight or nine, I think.
Well, even that young.
Yes, I think so.
Yes, fairly descended testicles. And he really was, he was the sort of archetype of the punchable figure, which I was, you know, we've all been punched by the time.
And one thought, well, you know, there we are. That's that little creep at least.
We've seen the last of him. And then suddenly he's poor chap. I mean, God, I wouldn't wish it on a dog. He's been given the job of leading the Conservative Party.
I mean, I don't know which of us would have thought 10 years ago that one would feel sorry for the leader of the Conservative Party. It's a strange thing, isn't it? But also a wonderful thing how things can change, you know.
Stephen, we could bend your ear all night and probably will over the big issues, over a couple of fruity lexias upstairs.
But for now, planeteers, can you go a little bit loony and lewd the Norfolk way as a way of thanking Stephen Fry?
Stephen Fry, Stephen Fry, Stephen Fry.
Stephen, always calm and even, retiring but never shy.
Stephen Fry, Stephen, you've been saying some time, Stephen.
Tonight I'll take a flight to fly with Stephen, Stephen Fry.
And now the hardcore party policy that is planet knowledge is once again given full bore.
Ladies and gentlemen, this will have you bending over and screaming, is that all there is?
The hit melody that takes you there is perfect. And to run you round the block and back on Donsel's, Ms. Eddie Reader.
I don't want to have a party love affair.
I need someone to really care.
Life is too short to play silly games.
I promise myself I won't do that again.
It's got to be perfect.
It's got to be worth it.
Too many people take second best, but I won't take anything less.
It's got to be perfect.
Young hearts are foolish. They make such mistakes.
They're much too eager to give their love away.
Well, I have been foolish too many times.
Now I'm determined I'm gonna get it right.
It's got to be perfect.
It's got to be worth it.
Too many people take second best, but I won't take anything less.
It's got to be perfect.
Young hearts are foolish. They make such mistakes.
They're much too eager to give their love away.
Well, I have been foolish too many times.
Now I'm determined I'm gonna get it right.
It's got to be perfect.
It's got to be worth it.
Too many people take second best, but I won't take anything less.
It's got to be perfect.
It's got to be worth it.
It's got to be perfect.
Life is nothing but a bitch or a frown.
Let it, let it not end.
What did you make of Paolo's handiwork and what did you make of the ref going down for the count?
Yes, uh, Allcock, I think was the referee.
Which I don't think incidentally was his original name.
I think he changed his name after locker room pressure.
I think it might have been Benson or something like that earlier on.
Look, I enjoyed the incident.
I don't think the Benson fellow, Allcock, went far enough really.
I think you should have followed Paolo, who'd done some very nice lead up work pushing him over, and King Hiddie as he went on.
I think that's what people want to see.
Oh, they do.
You know, whenever I'm in a hoteliery or a public house, free house, I always like it when one of the customers goes a little silly.
And the publican's got a turfy mouth.
It's always very, very funny, especially when fisticuffs are involved and maybe a broken glass or a stick or something like that.
That's what people like. That's what gets people coming to pubs.
A good bit of violence.
And I think if the Allcock fellow had got involved and got a little bit willing, I think we would have had a tremendous spectacle.
As it was, it was a half spectacle.
Look, Roy, there are many, many ways to intimidate referees, and I know you're a master of that.
Obviously, it would start as soon as you arrived at the ground with the, obviously, torching the referee's car and then sending that whistle against you.
Then there was a lot of batonage in the locker room.
You'd often bob into the referee's room totally nude and say, have a look at this. Have you got something that you like, sir?
All that sort of gear.
And then out on the field, of course, there was often what I'd call the pheromonic attack or the nasal attack, where you'd often let a big one go in the referee's envelope, so to speak.
And he would be often left gagging and unable to put the whistle near the mouth for several minutes.
But what other things did you get up to? You know, trip on the foot, look over there. All those oldies are very, very good ones.
All those oldies, HG. But I think you hit the nail on the head.
The furthest I've gone is his burning a referee's house down the night before.
With him in it?
No, not with him. You'd make your fun up first and say, get out.
Often they would, especially if you're already threatening with your accent and your voice. Get out or I'll kill you.
That would often do it. And they'd go out scratching their heads wondering what's going on.
Next thing you know, the petrol you put in the backyard, you'd set fire to it.
And the next day when you saw him, he'd obviously be a little bit tired and out of sorts.
I'd just go up and say, have you got a match? Got a light, mate?
Yes.
And with a bit of a wink. And you might say, I know where your car is. I haven't finished yet. Stuff like that.
He'd get the idea. He'd get the idea. Because I hate that. I hate it when you burn their houses down.
In a subsequent incident, I did see a player who might have been in him right with the West Ham side actually re-enact the incident after he'd scored a goal.
Getting one of the players to push him over and then staggering around in the Alcock Manor, as it will be called from now on.
The Benson Manor.
The Benson Manor. Now look, Roy, celebrating goals hasn't gone too far. Do we have to clamp down?
There's that team that will persist in picking the leg up of the player who's scored the goal. I don't like that at all. I don't know why it offends me.
If they picked up the third leg in the middle there, I might be interested in picking up one of the other legs. I just don't think it's going far enough. It's not sending a message.
No. No.
But I know you're very strong on this.
Look, I love it. I love it. I suppose people the world over would be aware of the work of Australia's finest footballer, Johnny Warren.
Bloody hell could he play. Instinctively knew all the rules. Knew that you couldn't hold the ball. That sort of stuff. He used the feet.
Most of the time. He was a very well accomplished player.
Johnny Warren. I remember Johnny celebrating a goal. It was a marvellous thing to watch. He'd spit, obviously, on the goalie.
He'd leave a really big one on the goalie's head.
Then he'd run over to the sideline and remove his shorts and his underpants.
And go to the railing and just flop himself over.
And kiddies would play.
Stuff like that.
They'd be there and they'd have their photos taken with them.
Stuff like that. Then he'd take a program and stick it wedged into the back door.
Set fire to it.
And then run around to the middle of the ground where the other players would have formed a ring of brown dates.
He would go into the middle of them, bend right over and flatulate the flame out.
Like that.
Then a kiddie would come out with his shorts. He'd put them back on and wait for the allcock to blow the whistle and get going.
It was terrific to watch. It was a bit of theatre. Theatre. That's what you've got to get.
And how did the commentators react to it?
Well they wouldn't call it. No.
An embargo.
They had an embargo on it. On the great Johnny Warren's work.
They'd cut to the crowd cheering and stuff like that. You'd never see it on TV.
I always thought it was marvellous. Made for television, the work of Johnny Warren.
That's what I think players have got to do here. Really get involved. Really go a long way. Really let it out.
Show them how they feel.
Now on Planet Norwich the football band are cranks up a notch as it's time to welcome a woman to the hot seat from behind the front desk of the Birmingham City Blues.
Planetiers, can you believe dreams come true when the ball is whacked into the back of the net and as you go delirious with delight can you point the way to the penalty spot for Karen Brady!
Karen Brady defense the number. Karen Brady financial football number. Karen Brady.
Thanks for coming in Karen. My pleasure.
Now there must be referees that Birmingham City don't like.
Oh no. Couldn't dare say anything like that. We love them all. We're the only club that sends out Christmas cards.
To all the referees. But I bet you when the team sheet comes in and the fixture sheet comes in and the eye goes down to referee there'd be certain gas from shutters sent around the club when it's a certain person.
There are one or two. There are one or two. I think that the thing that you always require is consistency and I think that's what's lacking.
How much does a referee get roughly Karen?
Not very much.
No, would it be what, ten pounds a game? Something like that?
There'd be a bit more than that. A bit more than that.
They get mainly expenses.
Right.
And they get the...
So which opens the door for corruption doesn't it? I mean if you're only getting peanuts you get monkey...
No I did hear a story about one of the football clubs and I can't remember which one it was had a mini bar in the ref's room with whiskeys and things and they were asked to take it out.
So I think the refs in the main are pretty down the line there. They're pretty straight guys.
Look I read a report the other day suggesting that referees should be armed. That they should have a gun with a dart in it that would render or immobilise players once they've been red carded.
So you wouldn't have an incident like the Apollo Alcock incident the other day. The player would simply be darted, would collapse and be dragged off.
And they...
Would you like to see this? I mean is this the direction that it should be going in? Because at the moment nobody's going to get into the business of refereeing because they cop too much abuse don't they?
Give them a bit of power.
And you read this in Australia right?
No no no I read this in... it might be the Sunday Sport.
Great paper.
Is this a good idea?
I think that the Sunday Sport probably employ another tactic with topless girls running up and down the touch line to...
What? Distract the players?
To distract everybody probably.
Well that's not a bad idea because football is showbiz. It's showbiz isn't it?
More on the front pages than on the back pages.
I don't think referees should have self defence classes though. I think a jujitsu jumping referee would add up. I bet you hear if they knew Alcock.
They can look after themselves. Most of them look after themselves very well. They have good banter with the players and they are very respected as individuals. They have a very difficult job to do.
But really that is a one off incident perhaps because he's not British.
Oh that's true.
That could be a little bit of a European player coming in for games.
Are there too many European players bringing their bad habits?
Their razzmatazz, their crazy ideas, their diets, their passion footwork, their celebrating the gold by eating a crass horn on a bentwood chair, having a Galway cigarette on the sideline and a glass of Absinthe.
I mean I've seen that happen here in Norwich at the weekend.
Really?
Yes, it was mercifully blanketed out of television giddy.
I don't think they bring more good than they do. But look at Chelsea, look how fabulous a club that is and the players they've brought through.
I've got one thing about Chelsea though. I'm sure this is true. A weekend or so ago they've got 10 of the 11 players were all Europeans. If they've got that many why don't they go and play in Europe forever?
Why don't they just move? Why don't they just move? There's plenty of places that don't have a club and they'd love Chelsea to come there in Europe.
But this is Europe.
Well it's not continental Europe. This is England, not Europe.
It's not sunny.
But is it going to lift the standard of English football having all these blow ins, highly paid, passionate idiots?
Pushing reps over.
Doing weird things when I get one in the back of the net.
Personally I think they add a lot. I think that without doubt they've added a lot to the game.
Barry Frye. We had Barry on the programme last year who's a very very passionate fellow. Why did you get rid of Barry Frye?
Because he would be perfect for Birmingham City. He has passion, he has skills and I noticed that you didn't get on with him so well because he was mainly interested in keeping the players happy.
Is that the case?
No that's not the case at all. Barry is a charming man. He is a very likeable fellow.
Sadly at Birmingham he wasn't cutting the mustard really and when the decision has to be made somebody has to make it. I think all football managers go into a job knowing that one day they will be sacked or they will leave you to go on to better things.
That's the nature of the job.
And I got to a point with Barry where he'd done very well. He got us promoted after being relegated and got us back promoted in a year which is quite hard to do, to achieve.
We did spend a lot of money and we gave it a go and it just didn't work out. And Barry I think is the first to say that he had some good times at Birmingham.
And this new chap, when are you going to get rid of him?
Well Trevor's doing very well.
What's the team coming in at the moment? Fifth? Sixth?
Fifth. It's early days and we had a recent run of bad form and we've had a few injuries. One of our top strikers is injured.
We have the full confidence of the manager to do a really good job this year.
That's normally said just before you're second.
Yes.
That's why I hesitate when I say it.
Now look, can I ask a question about paper coverage, especially tabloid paper coverage. What's the worst thing that's been said about, worst untruth that's been said about Birmingham City?
I think things like internal politics, that's quite upsetting. You presume that I didn't get on with Barry, whereas in fact Barry and I were very good friends. Barry bought my house from me.
Yes, in fact Barry's taking over.
Yes I know, Barry bought the house from you, the plumbing was shot, the wiring was redoing, the roof leaked, you'd patched it up.
No that's not true.
Barry said that you pulled him out of the shower when he was nude and stripped him down.
That's goodness.
Barry said that he couldn't get on with you at all.
That's not true, that's not true.
Absolutely true. Barry said to me that you were averaging 15 motor car accidents a year. Is this true?
A bit less now, but I'm a very bad driver.
What was the problem? Barry said it's because you can't drive.
I can't drive. I think I was the one who told him I couldn't drive.
Right, and what was the nature of the accident? Did you go up the back of people or did people go up the back of you?
A bit of everything really.
Right, what was the worst accident?
Most of them probably because I'm on the phone and I'm writing something down, painting my toenails, going too far, don't wear a seatbelt.
Haven't you got a hands-off phone in the car?
No, I've got two you see, they're Hansing and the other one and they're both going at the same time.
Which is the more important, communication or human life?
Communication.
Karen, we could blabber on about football all night and probably will over a couple of snifters upstairs later on, but for now, football freaks as the referee blows his whistle to cease hostilities, can you give us a match-winning cheer as a way of thanking Karen Brady?
The New York City now has its dreams, now Karen Brady lead the team. Karen, Brady can crunch a number. Karen Brady, financial football, rumble. Karen Brady.
And now it's time for Know Your Knowledge.
Stone Age Flames, Norman Blakes, a spinach, Vatican from the Hattick, it's time for Know Your Knowledge.
Yes, welcome once again to Know Your Knowledge, a chance where three contestants buy for points which could earn them fabulous prizes simply by demonstrating their knowledge of Norwich. Roy, who are our contestants this week.
Yes, I see we have terrific contestants, we've got Alex, Kimberley and Vic, three Norwich specialists joining us this evening.
And the prize this week Roy, it's an absolute butler.
It is HG, with the ball paint hammer comes a bucket of Norwich flint that I picked up at Grimes Graves last week.
I went down into the Neolithic mine and picked out some of the gear that Stone Age men and women were pulling out all those years ago and you can see why.
It's wonderful to play with, you can nap it, you can make sharp objects, you can make decorative objects, you can build a house out of it. It's marvelous, well there's a bucket of it here to go to our winner tonight.
And Roy, it's a simple game contestants, it's a simple game, it's three rounds, the first two rounds are worth 100 points each and the final round is the Premiership round and that is worth 1,000 points.
And so let's get underway, Roy, with question one in Know Your Norwich.
Question one, which foyer is the biggest in Norwich? A, Barclays Bank, B, Sprouston Manor, C, Norwich Union.
Yes Vic?
Barclays Bank.
Yes I'd go with Barclays Bank, I would accept that. Congratulations Roy.
Vic's got 100 points and now question two.
One of the local spots of particular interest in Magdalen Street here in Norwich is Ron's Reptiles. Question two, what has Ron's Reptiles got on special this week?
A, an Anaconda, B, a pair of peach-faced parrots or C, two imported redback spiders?
Yes Alex?
Imported redback spiders.
Yes indeed.
Absolutely.
Alex 100 points, Vic 100 points. The Premiership question in Know Your Norwich.
Tonight we'll make this question worth 5,000 points. The question is, in 1991 how many Germans settled in Norwich?
Was it A, 97, B, 100 or C, 102?
Kimberley.
Yes Kimberley.
97.
Sorry Kimberley, no. Anyone else have a stab Vic?
102.
Sorry Vic, anyone else have a stab? Yes Alex?
100.
Yes, congratulations. On 5,100 points the winner is Alex.
Alex come around here and collect your bucket of flint. You can take it home with you later on around this way. No I'll get you around here, that makes a much more attractive shot. Congratulations Alex.
And now my very good friends, tonight's Speed Special continues as we're joined by one of the fastest men alive. He's out back on the block just itching to rock. When I bellow, on your marks, get set, go. Can you welcome to the finish line with a big gold medal cheer and a world record time, Linford Christine.
Linford Christine, master of speed, out of the blocks, into the lead. Linford Christine, breaking the shape, from temple thoughts, he makes his escape. Linford Christine, passion and grace. Linford Christine, action and grace. Linford Christine, he's fast.
Linford Christine, he's fast.
Thanks very much for coming in Linford. Now we wanted to talk a little bit about tactics in running the 100 metres. How much aggression do you need? Can you have too much? Where do you get it from? How can you give it out as a coach? Could you address those issues to staff?
Only one answer?
Yes.
I think first of all you can't have too much aggression. Because the idea of aggression makes you tense and tight. And if you're aggressive you've got to channel it inside so it's got to be a channeled aggression because you've got to run relaxed. And it's the guy who runs the fastest and stays relaxed the longest that normally wins.
And is it a competition there when you get out and you have to take the tracksuits off and they introduce you to the crowd? Is it a psych out situation where you're saying I'm more aggressive than you, yet I'm really relaxed.
I'm really ready to rock. But I'm still cool as a...
I think you got it right there. Maybe you'd be a good runner.
I noticed Ato Bolden gave you a bit of a bake when he won the 100 metres recently in Kuala Lumpur. Now I thought it was a bit presumptuous of him. I mean given that he's only really on his way up. Do you think he has the makings of being a superstar?
Well there's no doubt about it. Ato is a very talented guy. It's just the problem is he talks a better race than he actually runs.
I think the other idea is if he just went out there and ran a race and he won and then if the time was good he can say well the time is really good or if he broke the world record he can say well I broke the world record.
But he said he's going to break the world record before. And what happens is he goes in the race even though he's won he hasn't broken the world record so really he's failed. So I think that's where the difference is. It's best to go out there, do what you have to do and make your story after that.
Who are the most annoying to run against? The Americans? Are they the worst?
Well the guys you can't beat are always annoying.
But the Americans carry on a bit much.
Well I mean I think the Americans have got a better attitude I believe than we've got because from a very young age they believe that they're the best.
But when they're not they look really stupid.
That is true but when you know you only find that out afterwards because you go in a race and you know you go on the circuit and an American will turn up and sometimes he's no good at all but because he's American automatically you begin to fear him because you think oh he's American he's got to be good.
Because they taught from a very young age that to be American he's got to be the best thing and I think it's something that we should teach our youngsters that to be British he's got to be the best.
Yeah British is best.
HG mentioned tactics. Now my old sprint coach used to say, Roy, 100 metres is one in the first two hundredths of a second. That's where it's one all lost. I mean do you subscribe to that philosophy, that theory?
Not really. It's not how fast you start. It's how fast you finish.
So you think it's one lost in the last two hundredths of a second. Two different schools of thought. This is interesting. But isn't the start important? I mean do you try to anticipate the gun?
Well no not really. I mean the only thing that wins in our race is the gun is the first thing that goes off and the clock is the first thing that stops.
So the clock always wins. And the old idea, my coach always taught us, you can't beat the gun so you've just got to concentrate.
Run to the clock.
Try and beat the clock. That's the old idea. It's not about the next guy. It's about trying to get as close to the clock as possible.
Are there tactics though? I mean is it simply, you know, Valerie Borsod once came to our school and he basically indicated that it was just as simple as, you know, bursting out of the blocks and being as quick as buttery and get down there before everybody else.
Is that what it is? Or can you lure the other runners into over committing themselves in the process of the race and then burn them off at the end?
I wish it was that easy. I mean it's a good school of thought, you know, you've got to try and get from A to B as quick as possible.
But the other idea is, you know, the race is broken up into the first phase which will be the start, the second phase is the pick up.
And the last phase is the finish. And you've got to get to top speed as quick as possible and maintain it for as long as possible.
Because, you know, like when I run races people think it's because I'm getting quicker at the end and I'm coming through but it's not the reason. It's because I'm stronger than the other guys and they're de-accelerating a lot more than I am.
So it looks good when you're coming through.
My coach used to say to me to get to top speed in the first two hundredths of a second. Is that what you try to do? Get there as quickly as possible?
Well, if I got there as quick as the first two hundredths then I'm hoping that I've got something left in the last two hundredths.
Linford, there are, anecdotally at least, a lot of drug addicts running these days.
Now, can you pick up drug addicts by the way they look? Can you? I mean there are telltale signs. Can you pick it?
There's no telltale signs at all because, you see, I mean we're all made up, you know, different chemistry totally.
And the other idea, you can't go around thinking, well, this guy's on drugs or this woman's on drugs because at the end of the day you've got to beat them.
So the other idea, you just go out there and, you know, I always say, if you're on drugs I'm going to beat you and if you're not I'm still going to beat you.
Yes, but isn't the truth of the matter, if you're not on drugs you're not going to win?
I wish it weren't true. I mean, you know, the people who say that, it's just people who can't win.
You see, the other idea is a lot of people, when they get caught on drugs it's always I'm doing it because everybody else is doing it.
And if everyone else is doing it then why are you keeping it a secret because you're doing it? It's only until you get caught.
And the other idea is they've got to just, the people who take drugs have got to be of a special mentality.
They've got to justify why they're doing it and it's because they're weak natured people.
Yes.
You know, and it's so easy to say every time someone runs quick that they're on drugs. I mean someone's got to win.
Yes.
So then if we ever, they'll say, well, you know, you only lost because you're on drugs.
What did you make of the unfortunate death of Florence Griffith's joiner?
Now I saw her many years ago and then saw her a few years later. The shape of her whole body had changed.
You got closer to her than I did.
Yeah.
She'd bulked up. Her jaw was longer. There were signs of skin problems. All these things.
Do you think it's possible? Do you think there's a smidgen of a suggestion of a perhaps that maybe there's a chance that she might have gone near someone who had chemicals and might have slipped them into her system?
I mean, first of all, I mean, I think it's sad when anybody dies, you know.
Sure.
Especially at 38.
I mean, but you see the idea is you're never too young to die, you know, and that's just one of these things we've got to remember.
Yeah.
You know, it's always easy to point fingers, but there's no saying when you point one finger at someone, remember three points back at you.
And it's better not to point them that way. And for those of us who believe in God and believe in judgment, I mean, we do things and we believe that nobody sees us, but God sees you.
Do you think God's going to be stripping people of medals when they die?
I find that hard to believe, Lintrid.
Well, I mean, it...
Well, let's say in your imagination, Florence Griffith Joyner is now in heaven and God's saying, come on up here, would he take her medals off her?
Well, they're no good to her now, are they, really?
And...
Can I ask about the IOC and the push towards the Sydney 2000 Games and the international athletics federation?
Now, the boss, Primo, near below, who's a marvellous bloke, very, very fit man, even though he's getting on in years.
Look, and when you look at him and Juan Antonio Semaranchi in charge of the Olympic movement and so on, what worries me is that they don't seem to be genuinely concerned about this as an issue.
They seem to be more concerned about the, for whatever better term, the high life, the easy access to hotels and front row seats and so on.
And I would feel more confident, you know, if there was a bit more sort of action from the top.
Well, I mean, you know, I can't, you know, I can only speak my own opinion on that.
But, you know, I think, like, people like Nebbiolo, he's brought a lot of, you know, finance and a lot of sponsorship into the sport.
And, I mean, I think if you work hard, then you deserve to get something out of it.
And front row seat.
Well, that's front row seat, but he can't get away with it if he's doing anything under the table unless people allow him to get away with it.
So, you know, and my problem is I just believe in order to get the Olympic Games, you've got to spend all these millions in getting the Games, which I think is wrong.
You know, I think the country should get the Games, but they shouldn't have to spend so much money.
And because all the money you're spending just to get the Games and you've got to build and you've got to do everything else, that's even more money when the money could be going to something really useful.
Speaking of Sydney, you'll be there in a coaching capacity?
I'll be there watching. I spend a lot of my time in Sydney. I love the place.
Now, there's no hint. Are you missing, you know, the adrenaline, the rush of, you know, sitting out with the blocks with the others, psyching them out, getting out quickly, running?
Is there any chance that, you know, maybe if I offered you a place at my place, you know, a room at my place, you could come down as an athlete as opposed to just a coach?
Or is it all now too far in the park?
I mean, I think it's too far in the park. I'm 38 now and, you know.
We think you've got one run left in you.
We do.
We've had a little bit of a really trade. You'd have to be one run.
You'd breeze through the semi-finals. You'd be there in the final eight and then just pull out one big one for old time's sake.
And I can see stepping up onto the top level, getting the gold medal.
Linford Christie, Britain National Anthem, up goes the flags. That's the vision I've got for the 100 metres.
Call me old fashioned if you like, but tell me I'm wrong.
You're wrong.
Linford, we could verbal on all night about the speed caper and probably will when we mark out the 100 metres upstairs in the Pogo Lounge.
But for now, planetiers, can you pull up breathless and gasping for air as a way of thanking Mr. Phenomenal Foot Speed, Linford Christie?
Linford Christie, master of speed, out of the box, into the lead.
Linford Christie, power and pace, Linford Christie, action and grace.
Linford Christie, in spite.
Yes, sadly we come to the end of Planet Norwich for another week. Roy, what are you up to in the coming set of seven?
You see, I'm off to Horsford, to the Blacksmith's Arms, a marvellous pub there, where I read you can take along your animal and get it drunk.
It's great fun, it's like a menagerie. I'm going to take a couple of parrots, a snake probably, a horse, a couple of dogs and a cat, and you bring them all in.
Everyone brings their animals and you get them drunk and just see what happens.
It's great fun having a beer and a parrot fly in it. It's a marvellous spot.
But you can't take your animals during weekends apparently. It's only Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays.
So if you want to join me with your dog, parrot, etc., come along.
Make sure you've got a designated driver though, because it does get pretty rowdy out there and you need somebody to get you home.
Yes, a driver who understands how to cope with drunken animals.
Now look, I'm off to Kings Lynn, the Corn Exchange. I think it might be Saturday night, I'll have to check my diary.
But Danny's unleashed tour is blowing into town.
Oh yes. Isn't that crowding excitement?
It is. People forget that she's had hits like This Is It, Love and Kisses, Jump to the Beat, you know, all those, they're all on.
And they've improved the start of the show because Danny now comes out tied up and is thrown into quite a deep tank of water with lead weights around her.
And she wriggles free to burst to the surface, grab the microphone and sing the first number.
It's pretty new in rock and roll, but I think it can work.
She's genuinely unleashed before you.
Yes, isn't that fantastic?
Because she can stay underwater, they reckon, for close to three and a half hours.
She's got a lot of, she's got the Houdini timing up book.
Yeah.
And she's getting a lot out of that.
Yeah, she's really good.
Yeah, really good. Top notch.
And on behalf of Roy and myself, I'd like to thank all our guests this evening.
The Cheddar Singles, Lord Cheeson, his lunchbox and you at home slipping through a sultry samba there under the sheets.
Thanks once again for taking interest in variety.
And we'll leave you this week with a tune that will have you up on the toes and loosening the balance of the old chart buster.
You make me feel like dancing.
The singer, the foot tapping specialist, Leo Sayer.
Say the sweet plantains.
You've got a cute way of talking.
Yeah.
You've got the better of me.
Yeah.
Just snap your fingers and I'm walking.
Like a dog hanging on your knee.
Yeah.
I'm in the spinging on.
I'm shaking on the stringing on.
You make me feel like dancing.
A dance class night away.
You make me feel like dancing.
Every night and every day.
You make me feel like dancing.
I feel like dancing.
Dancing.
A dance the night away.
Yeah.
Dancing.
I.
I quite took it far enough on.
Yeah.
I ain't finished time.
No, no, no, no, no.
Whoo.
Just hold me tight.
Leave all that like you know what I mean.
Yeah.
Because I don't want to go.
Away.
Yeah.
You've got the better of me.
Right where you want me to be.
You make me feel like dancing.
A dance that night away.
You make me feel like dancing.
Every night and every day.
You make me feel like dancing.
I feel like dancing.
Dancing.
A dance the night away.
Yeah.
Dancing.
Whoo.
Yeah.
Whoo.
Dancing.
A dance the night away.
Yeah.
Dancing.
Whoo.
A.
Whoo.
You really slipped me a potion.
Yeah.
I take it off of the floor.
Whoo.
Oh, there's a perpetual motion.
Yeah.
I gave you some more.
Yeah.
I gave you some more.
Yeah.
And if you'll let me stay, we'll dance our lives away.
You make me feel like dancing.
A dance the night away.
You make me feel like dancing.
Every night and every day.
You make me feel like dancing.
A.
A dance the night away.
Yeah.
Dancing.
Every night and every day.
Yeah.
You make me feel like dancing.
I feel.
Yeah.
Whoo.
I feel.