Twaynm
America's number one Christian comedian, Mr. Mike Warnky.
Hello, hello, hello, hello.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
I, uh, really, please, uh, the Lord's called me to be humble, and I'm very proud of that, and I just...
Actually, I did get an award for being humble one time. It was a humble button.
But they took it away from me because I wore it, so...
It was a fairly, uh, upgrade joke there, and if I didn't get a laugh, I was just testing the waters, you know.
Seeing where I had to go with this hummer, you know, whether we could keep it at a high spiritual plane,
or we're going to have to go straight to the toilet with it almost immediately, you know, because I...
Being a stand-up comedian as well as a Christian, I will do anything to get a laugh,
and then ask the Lord to forgive me, because I figure it's a lot easier to get forgiveness than it is permission, you know.
So, uh, any of those who, uh, any of those of you here tonight who are easily offended,
you're in the right place, because, uh, you're going to really enjoy it,
because I've noticed that people who are easily offended really enjoy being offended.
The feeling of self-righteousness, the feeling of being better than other people,
the feeling of getting in others' faces and actually telling them what they're supposed to do,
and this feeling of being offended gives trigger to these desires in your heart,
and I know that a lot of you have that desire to really get up and tell somebody off.
That's what makes your juice flow, and tonight you're in the right place, okay,
because I promise to try and offend as many of you as possible to get those triggers going, get those juices flowing.
I just would like you to know that if you do approach this stage and try to rebuke me in any way,
we have Hell's angels tucked up under here, and they will rush forward and beat you to death in Jesus' name,
you know, because we figure anybody as righteous as you needs to be in the presence of God almost immediately,
because, uh, leaving you down here, leaving you down here with the rest of us imperfect people could really, like,
you know, screw up your whole average, you know, and so we want you to get there as perfect as possible,
so we'd like to wring your neck tonight.
Also, if you get saved tonight, we are going to take you in the other room and kill you,
because we figure that way you don't have time to backslide, so we're, uh, you know,
when we talk about people meeting Jesus, we don't want any lag here, you know, so, uh, no, just don't really worry about that.
I'm just kidding.
The stool is out here because during the evening my legs may get tired, and I might sit down when that happens,
because my legs don't work too good.
I've been doing a severe amount of damage to my body over a long period of time, actually.
Started in Vietnam. I was in South Vietnam at the request of the government.
I was there because some people in Washington had told me what a danger the people from North Vietnam were to my way of life
and to the things that I held dear, that they were intent on rape, pillage, and murder,
especially in my hometown amongst the immediate members of my family.
And so I went to Southeast Asia, to South Vietnam, to make sure that the people from North Vietnam
did not somehow get to Crestline, California and carry out these drier threats.
I was told that I really hated these people, so I went there to prove it.
What I, I guess I didn't realize that in Hanoi, in North Vietnam, there were people telling my age counterpart,
North Vietnamese person, the exactly same thing, that I was coming there to rape, pillage, and kill amongst his immediate family.
And of course, he was probably a little bit more terrified than myself, because I was actually closer to Hanoi than he was to Crestline.
So the people who told the guys in Hanoi and the people that told us in the United States that this situation existed
never actually went to Vietnam to actually carry out the vendetta that they had between one another.
What they did is send thousands of people between the ages of 18 and 26 to carry out these details.
And I was lucky enough to be one of these individuals.
So I went to Southeast Asia, and at one point I was in a small building close to where the action was.
We called it Indian country, but that's before I became very race-conscious,
and I wouldn't say that anymore, you know, because I don't even use the term Indian.
I use the term Native American, and who knows what Native American country is, so I don't even use those terms anymore.
It was where the bad guys were, and they were only the bad guys because they were on the other side.
Anyway, they were over there, and they had this huge exploding device on an aerial delivery system.
Rocket is what that's called.
And they were up in the hills, and they lit off the rocket.
And this caused the exploded device to be lofted through the atmosphere in the general direction of where we all were.
And because these people were a lot better shot than people gave them credit for, they hit what they were aiming at.
And it was the building that I was in.
The rocket went through the roof, through the top floor, down into the place where we were, and then it exploded.
Now, when an explosion happens, it does dig a hole.
Bigger the explosion, bigger the crater, okay?
But the majority of the energy released in an explosion, my mouth is tightening up just talking about this,
but the majority of energy released in an explosion actually goes up and out.
And because I was sitting in close proximity to this exploding device when it did go off,
and because I have nothing whatsoever to do with the laws of physics,
I, of course, when the explosion occurred, went with the force of the explosion, which means I, too, went up and out.
Now, the only problem with this was between my point of origin and my appointed destination, or where I was to land.
There was a solid wall between me and that spot.
This necessitated me traveling through this solid object.
If any of you have this on your list of things to do before Jesus comes, okay?
If you have this on your pre-rapture list of things to do before Jesus shows up, please scratch it off.
Just take it from me, someone who's done it.
It sucks dirt, okay?
It is no fun whatsoever, and I want to use terms that we're all familiar with.
I don't want anybody sitting out there going, now, what did he really mean?
I mean, real clear about this, it really is a horrible experience.
When you hit a wall, your entire body expands, and every joint in your body pops just like a finger.
It's just like snapping your knuckles, only it's not just your knuckles, see?
It's your toes, your ankles, your knees, your hips, your pelvis, your backbone, your ribs, your shoulders, your elbows, your wrists, your fingers, your toes, your nose, your eyelids, your hair follicles.
The little piece of skin that hung down in the back of my throat went, you know, so I mean, I popped everything.
We're talking serious popping here, you know?
And I kind of, you spread out, and then you snap back together, and then you continue on through whatever solid object you're up against.
And so after having every bone in my body pop, then I also had to eat plaster in two-by-fours.
So let me tell you, this was an unpleasant experience, then landing on the ground going, where am I, where am I, you know?
And this board down my back, and this, you know, I was picking, you know, pieces of wire out of my teeth for two weeks.
And as a result of this activity, I'm prone to arthritis now that I'm getting older.
And there are some days when I wake up and it's cold and clammy out, especially those days,
and I wake up and I go like this with my hands, and my body, oh, my body remembers, and my brain starts singing old Vietnam songs, you know?
We gotta get out of this place, you know?
I mean, it's like a flashback right now, you know?
There's a man with a gun out there telling me I got to beware.
And my body's going, hey, you're even too old to enjoy this anymore, you know?
So picking things up and stuff.
And on top of that, I've done some serious, stupid damage to myself.
I don't know, I don't know what's going on, you know?
I don't know why I have this tendency to destroy the left-hand side of my body.
And I don't know why it's just the left-hand side of my body, but it is.
I mean, if I get stepped on, it's gonna be on the left foot.
If I fall down and skin my knee, it's gonna be the left knee, you understand?
If I fall down on the ice and bust my personality,
it's gonna be the left-hand side of that personality, you know?
If I'm picking my nose and somebody hits my elbow and drives my finger up into my brain,
it's gonna be my left elbow, my left finger, my left nostril, and the left side of my brain, you know?
I don't know why.
If I was falling out of a 30-story building, headed for the ground,
and I was falling to the right, my brain would adjust, you know?
I mean, my body would turn in midair.
My gyroscope would make me fall on my left side.
I don't know. It's my left side, always my left side.
I fell off a stage in Gainesville, Florida.
It was an amazing deal.
Nine-and-a-half foot risers, totally dark hall, no light, nowhere.
Had one super trooper shoot me right in the face.
I couldn't see a blessed thing.
They had nothing to indicate where the edge of the stage was.
And to help me with this situation, see,
they had placed my mic stand about a quarter of an inch from the lead edge of the stage.
And I pulled one of these grandiose gestures.
I yanked my mic out of the mic stand.
I stepped in front of the mic stand right into thin air, you know, just wow!
Now, to jump nine-and-a-half feet, that's one thing, but just to step off into midair,
that makes your little belly button go...
I mean, I'm telling you, it just kind of...
Ho! You know what I mean?
And if you watch them Saturday morning cartoons and you see that coyote run off that cliff
and stand there and look around and turn around and run back, that's a lie.
There is no hesitation at all.
You step off, bam! Next stop, the floor.
I dislocated my shoulder, cracked my elbow, broke my wrist.
I was in a cast, all wound up like that.
My leg was like this, and I was crippin' around.
I wouldn't let them make me go home, see?
I set off about a week out on the road, you know,
and I'd go out from the hotel and just do my concert and go back to the hotel,
but I wouldn't let them take me home, you know?
It was real weird standing out in front of people going,
Jesus loves you and has wonderful things for you.
Just trust God, He'll see you through.
I'm a servant of the Lord, and look what it's done for me, you know?
People, you know...
But you know what?
If Jesus ain't Jesus when you crippled,
He don't deserve to be God when you're skipping rope either.
You know what I mean? Praise God.
So anyway, I tell you, I fell off a stage here the first year in Houston.
I've been trying to upgrade my speech a little bit, you know,
because I'm from the South, as you can tell.
I mean, anybody can hear me talk realizes
I don't have one of them gumbo mud accents,
but I also don't sound like I'm from Minnesota, you know what I'm saying?
I just up in the Midwest, and I said,
now the people in the Midwest don't make fun of people about the way they talk
because people in the Midwest don't have an accent of their own,
so they don't know who to tease, you know what I'm saying?
Up in the Midwest, the language is just like the land,
flat, straight, and goes on forever, you know what I'm saying?
Like that.
But I go places and I get teased about the way I talk, you know,
and it's really hard to take sometimes in Christian love
to be teased by somebody, like say somebody from New York City,
you know, somebody saying,
oh, what a horrible accent.
Why in the world don't you learn how to talk like a normal human being?
What are you doing?
Well, here, I want to say, well, here, let me see what I can do.
Let me shove these raisins up my nose, you know?
Maybe that'll help, you know?
Now, I know, I know that there are people in New York that don't talk like that.
I know that there are people that don't talk like that.
I just ain't met them yet, you know?
I go into Macy's, you know, in New York,
and I always get that one lady that's real aggravated that she's there.
She got 15 minutes before her shift changes,
and she don't want nobody buying a sweater at her station.
You know, she just wants to be left alone to count her money
and get out of there, and I always pick her.
I don't mean to, but it's always her I get.
And I walk up and she goes, can I help you?
I'm used to shopping in Atlanta, you know,
where I go into a store and somebody says,
honey, what can I get for you?
You know what I mean?
You know, I'm used to that.
I'm used to walking into stores in North Carolina where people say,
get your sweet face over here and let me do business with you, you know?
I'm used to driving into gas stations in Florida where people go,
I rotate your tires for nothing, you know?
I'm not used to walking up here.
Can I help you?
You say, yeah, I came in for whining lessons,
and bless God, I know I'm in the right place.
Actually, I don't think there is anything you can do for me,
but I'd like to pray for you,
because you're definitely in some kind of pain.
You either got a bad cyst or your pantyhose is too tight.
Something's wrong,
because you're definitely in some kind of distress,
and if there's anything I can do to relieve you,
just stick your head over here and let me bless you in Jesus' name.
And then you go to California.
Now, I know that everybody in California don't talk like this,
but I always either get Ted or Bill, you know?
Those of you that know what I'm talking about, fine.
Those of you that don't, hey, it's our secret.
We're not explaining it to you, you know?
But I always got the guys that go, whoa, dude, totally heinous accent.
Whoa.
If you would just practice,
you could talk like a totally normal human being,
and then you'd be like mucho victorious, you know?
And totally triumphant, you know?
I cast you out in the name of Jesus.
I cast you out, spirit of Ted and Bill.
Go have an excellent adventure and leave my brother alone, you know?
And the spirit comes out, and the guy looks at me and goes,
whoa, thank you, man, I was just visiting from Georgia.
I don't know how that happened to me.
Praise God.
Now that the demons are gone,
I can go home as soon as they get me some chicken, you know?
Praise God.
And traveling other places, see, you get confused if you're from the South,
because like I go other places and I don't know the rules there.
You know, it's like rules about food.
I don't know, you know?
I get places.
I figured it out, you know?
This is something I just thought about, see?
In New England, they boil everything.
They boil meat, boil potatoes, boil cabbage, boil them all in the same pot
and call that a New England boiled dinner.
Now, nobody from New England has convinced anybody from down here
to eat boiled food.
But we somehow, thanks to them Cajuns, have convinced them to eat burnt fish.
Now, you know?
We call it, we call it blackened, but honey, it's burnt, you know?
So I'm just wondering, who's the sneakiest bunch of people in the country?
The people that can't get us to eat boiled food,
or them Cajuns that can get everybody to eat burnt fish, you know?
You know there's some Cajuns sitting down there on Bayou Tash going,
pfft, Yankees.
You know, I mean, there really is, you know?
They up there in New York eating burnt fish, you know?
Praise God.
I just, you know, if you get them to eat muskrat pie,
then you know that they've really gone and done something then.
But, now I don't know, see, like, I understand, see,
like I know the difference between mustard, turnip, collard, kale,
poke, dandelion, them are greens.
And each different kind of greens have got a different kind of taste.
And if you are a connoisseur of greens, you can tell what kind of greens you're eating.
Up north, it's all just broccoli.
And the one taste that keeps them from being confused.
I don't know who's smartest, I just know who's got the most taste.
I didn't mean that the way it sounded.
And cornbread.
Now, cornbread is made in a cast iron skillet.
Cornbread is about that thick.
Cornbread is crunchy on the outside and soft in the middle.
Cornbread is good when it's hot with butter,
and it's good cold crumbled up into an iced tea glass with sweet milk poured in on it.
That is cornbread.
When you go to a restaurant and they give you some big spongy material
with a little brown on top and a little brown on the bottom that tastes sweet,
and they tell you that's cornbread, that is not cornbread, okay?
Everybody in Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, Florida, in Tennessee, Kentucky, Texas, Arkansas, Missouri,
Oklahoma, North South Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia, all of us can tell you what that is.
That's cake.
And bless God, there's a difference.
Ain't nothing wrong with being from up north.
Ain't nothing wrong with up north food as long as you're up north to eat it.
The thing about it is, don't be messing with the cornbread.
Just make Parker House rolls and croissant and all that kind of stuff,
and leave the cornbread to us. Amen?
Amen. See?
I know about that stuff. I know about beans now.
I know about brown beans. I know about white bean soup.
I know about pinto beans. I know about lima beans.
I know about fresh garden beans out of the garden of green beans.
I know what white half-runners are and blue snappers are.
I know about all of that.
When you get out in California, they start feeding you stuff.
Every plate you see has got a wad of fruit on it, you know?
And I like fruit, but sometimes when I sit down to an egg and hash browns,
I'm not interested in having a kiwi and a piece of cantaloupe,
a piece of watermelon, a piece of orange, a piece of navel orange,
a piece of tangerine, a couple of cherries, and a strawberry,
and some kind of stuff. I'd eat mango and papaya all on some stick
sticking out of the middle of my eggs.
It looks like my eggs have been to a bullfight, you know?
And sometimes, ole! You know?
It's not that any of it's bad.
It's just that when you're from down here,
you just don't know the rules of the places,
and stuff can sneak up on you.
Now, I've been trying to upgrade my speech because I don't like to be teased,
so I've been dropping my H's.
Yeah, I've not been saying H's anymore,
because people of class don't say H's.
People of class don't want to be humble. They want to be humble.
So I guess they're looking for umility, too, you know?
Anyway, I was down at First Baptist to Houston, Texas,
and I was up there on stage, and they have a big house stage,
and then they have a place to kneel for prayer, you know, an altar rail,
and then they have a kneeler right there by the altar rail,
and they have floor.
Then they have a space between the altar rail and the platform about that wide,
and in the right light, that all looks just like steps.
And I stepped off the left-hand side of the stage
to go talk to some people over here on my left,
stepped on what I thought was a step. It was a hole.
And I stepped down off in there,
and I wear these pointed-toed cowboy boots.
Now, to say pointed-toed cowboy boot is a little bit redundant,
because cowboy boots got pointed toes.
You know what I'm saying? That's like saying creamy butter.
If you ain't got creamy butter, then you got yellow cottage cheese.
You know what I'm saying?
Cowboy boots got pointed toes.
You say, now, I got some cowboy boots, and they ain't got pointed toes.
That's because what you got ain't a cowboy boot.
What you got's Western wear.
Western wear was invented by people in Abilene, Texas,
to sell to people in Michigan,
because up there, it don't make no difference.
You know what I'm saying?
But I got pointed... Listen, these are pointed-toed cowboy boots.
They got to be pointed-toed to be a cowboy boot.
If you can't kill a cockroach in a corner with it,
it ain't a cowboy boot. All right?
Now, I...
I stepped off the stage there, and my leg went down in that gap,
and that altar rail's being held up by these spokes,
like a banister on a stairwell.
And my foot went between two of them spokes and got jammed,
and my leg came down in that hole,
and my thigh got jammed down in that place.
My leg wouldn't move at all.
If I had fallen forward, I'd have snapped my leg right off,
and you guys could have called me stumpy the rest of my life, you know?
But I didn't fall straightforward. Amen?
I fell to my left. Right.
And I rolled off the platform.
I fell down in there.
My body tried to insert itself in that space
between the altar rail and the platform.
No possible way.
I just kept rolling.
I mean, it kind of just went... right over the top, you know?
Wound up with my ponytail touching the toe of my pointy boot, you know?
Now, I want you to know that the human body
is not meant to bend in that direction.
And when it does, it is the occasion for some severe pain, okay?
Now, I'm hanging upside down off of this furniture.
I'm in severe pain.
I remember my exact words at the time,
but I have since repented, you know what I mean?
I have come to find that there ain't nothing like a little pain
to throw you into a momentary backslide.
You know what I mean, brother?
And there was some ladies sitting on the front row there
at First Baptist to Ooston,
and I don't believe them ladies have ever been slain in the Spirit before,
but when they heard what was coming out of my mouth,
honey, they hit the deck, you know what I mean?
And I don't believe it was the Holy Ghost.
I just think that they were afraid that the Lord was going to hit me
with the bolt of lightning, and they were just getting down
so they wouldn't get killed by no warrenky shrapnel,
you know what I mean?
They're getting down so no big chunks of me would hit them, you know?
I'm hanging upside down off the furniture.
Everybody in the church thought it was a joke.
They're all sitting there, they're going,
look at him, he'll do anything for a life.
Look at him, he's tearing his leg off just so we have a good time.
Finally some genius out there got it through his head
that hanging upside down from the furniture
with your face turning white and your lips turning blue
and sweat coming off you in sheets
is not an indication of a good time, you know?
They rushed forward there and extricated me from my situation,
they got me up out of there and laid me down on the floor.
My leg was swole up, looked like I was hiding basketballs up my pants,
all puffed up and sore and hurting,
because you know how it is when you jam a joint, man,
I mean it just blows up immediately.
You can hit your thigh and a lump will come up,
but man, you jam a finger and it's a poom, you know, you stub your toe,
poom, you know, you jam your knee, poom, you know.
I'm laying there in pain.
Four thousand people at First Baptist to Houston that night,
four thousand people all sitting there, Christian folk,
I'm laying up there in pain.
They started arguing with each other over how I should be prayed for,
because half of them was Baptist and half of them was Pentecostals.
And the Pentecostals wanted me healed on the spot
and the Baptists, they wanted me to have enough strength
to get through my time of tribulation.
And I guess, I guess both parties got their prayers answered
because I'm walking, but it hurts, you know, praise God.
It's weird.
There was this one Pentecostal preacher,
he decided he's going to come up there and pray for me.
He didn't care.
He elbowed his way through that crowd.
The only problem with this brother, he's one of these fellows
that believes in direct contact with the afflicted area.
You know, this is not the kind of guy that you want to pray
for a bump on your backside, you know,
because he comes up and says the name of Jesus.
You go, whoa, brother.
That didn't feel like the Holy Ghost to me, praise God.
Oh, no, something about that don't make me want to sing.
He touched me, you know.
And he got up through there, you know, reached down,
grabbed hold of that big old sore puffy knee and said,
in the name of Jesus.
And I went, whoa, you know.
His wife was standing there.
She said, that's it, brother.
Shout the praises of God.
I looked up at her and I said,
sister, that ain't the praises of God.
If I'd of yelled hallelujah,
that would have been the praises of God.
Ah, is an indication of severe pain, okay.
Tell your husband if he continues to pray for me
to please back off about 10 yards,
because I don't believe I can live through another blessing
like that.
You know what I mean?
And if he hurts me again,
I'm going to get up off this floor and pray for him,
and he don't want that.
Because I don't pray with an open hand.
I pray with a pointed finger,
because I think we should get to the point.
And I am going to pray for his sinuses through his nose,
you know, it's like a,
huh, ha, yeah, puh.
How do you feel now, brother?
I'm free, I'm free.
But I intended to shove my finger so far up his nose,
he could have gone, I can hear, I can hear.
You know.
But people are funny, you know, I mean, it's weird.
Some of the stuff we do in the name of Jesus,
it's like getting to talking about getting slain
in the Spirit here, you know.
I was watching the crowd tonight, see,
and some of you, when I said get slain in the Spirit,
some of you went, yes, pray God, you know,
others were going, that's not for today, that's not for today.
I'll tell you how I feel, okay?
I believe that Jesus was, is, and will always be the same,
and he can do anything to anybody, anytime, anywhere,
any way he wants to, you know.
I believe that with all my heart, see.
Now, that means if the Lord wants to knock me down,
that's fine, just as long as it's the Lord.
You know what I mean?
If the Lord wants to grab me by my shirt collar
and swing me over his head, that's fine,
as long as it's the Lord, you know.
If God wants to paint me blue
and hang me naked out of a tree, I don't care.
Just as long as it's God.
Of course, if he came through with a directive like that,
I believe I'd have to ask for some ID, but anyway.
The point is, I don't care what God does to me,
I just don't want no help from Brother so-and-so,
you know what I mean?
Did you ever get prayed for by one of them guys
that expects you to fall down when he prays for you,
and you don't?
He's gonna help the Holy Ghost just a little bit.
Say, in the name of Jesus, you know.
It worked, Brother, I'm having a vision.
Praise God, I believe God's talking to me
about birds and stars and olive oil and Popeye and Mickey Mouse.
Mmm-koo-koo, mmm-koo-koo, mmm-koo, mmm-koo, mmm-koo-koo.
Sounds like God to me, woo-hoo-hoo!
You know, but I went up to get prayed for
by a guy like that one night.
Of course, I didn't know he was a guy like that
until I got up there, because you never do, amen?
I mean, I got up there, he said,
well, you must be a charismatic,
or you wouldn't have gone up there to get prayed for,
because in order to go up there to get prayed for,
you've got to believe in getting prayed for.
Bullseye, you got me. Hey, I'm guilty, geez.
I feel so sorry about that now.
Anyway, the point is, so what?
I went up there to get prayed for,
and I told the guy what I needed.
The guy said he reached out and prayed for me
in the name of Jesus, you know, and I didn't fall down,
and I just kind of staggered back, you know,
and he came after me.
He did, he prayed for me again
in the name of Jesus, you know?
I still didn't fall down,
he beat me all the way across that platform
in the name of Jesus, in the name of Jesus,
in the name of Jesus, in the name of Jesus,
in the name of Jesus, in the name of Jesus,
I'm free.
And I know that I didn't.
Never did knock me down, though.
But he did punch me out of sight, you know.
And he went and got back behind the microphone.
I went around and got lying again, you know.
I got back up there and he looked at me and he said,
ain't you already been up here?
And I said, yeah.
Now I got a headache.
And you need to be gentle with me because you don't want me
to use this, you know.
But it's wild, man.
You know, he was talking about food a minute ago, too.
And I'll tell you some real...
I went to Australia this summer and actually this spring,
and they got some food down there that's real good.
But they got one down there.
They got one thing down there that's got to be the national
food of the world.
It's got to be the nastiest substance I have ever seen
humans put in their mouth.
This stuff, as far as I can tell, this is made out of
spoiled vegetable matter mixed with Vaseline.
It's some nasty stuff.
Comes in big gallon jars made out of glass so you can look
at it before you eat it.
Looks like axle grease.
It really does.
It's some nasty looking stuff.
It's called Vegemite.
And they eat it on everything.
It's some foul stuff.
I mean, this is nasty, gag you, make you jump up and slap
your grandma stuff, you know.
I mean, this is some horrid stuff.
I mean, you know, I've seen roaches crawl up and crawl away.
You know what I'm saying?
Well, if it's so nasty, why do they eat it?
Because it's good for you.
It is, man.
It's got more vitamins than any other thing on earth, I guess.
It's good for you.
And that's the excuse that they use to get us all to eat this
stuff that tastes so terrible.
Now, I know it tastes bad, but it's good for you.
I know it's hard to swallow, but it'd be good for your diet.
I know that it tastes like mud balls, but go ahead and get it
down because if you do, you can lose weight.
I know, I know it's hard to swallow, but you know you've
got to be regular.
I'm just wondering how regular we got to be.
You know what I mean?
This is starting to bother me that, you know, we got so much
coal and consciousness in this country.
You know, we don't care about nothing as long as we're
regular, you know?
I mean, what are we supposed to do?
I mean, why don't we just, you know, aren't you getting tired
of Wilford Brimley telling you what the right thing is to do?
I mean, we've got to have oat bran, we've got to have rice
bran, we've got to have corn bran, we've got to have wheat
bran, we've got to have rye bran, we've got to have bran,
we've got to have roughage, we've got to have fiber, we've
got to have nuts and bolts and twigs and sticks and bark and
little pieces of gravel.
Man, I'm not a chicken.
I don't need a craw to grind up my food, you know?
And I'm just wondering, you know, one day, I'm just a little
off, is this going to kill me or what, you know?
I mean, why mess around?
Get you a bowl of muesli, pour in the oat bran, fill that up
with prune juice, slobber that down, baby, and you can turn
yourself inside out, you know?
Then you can walk around with your guts hanging on the outside
and people could point to you and say, now, there goes a
regular guy, you know?
But we are, man, it's good for you, it's good for you.
People make you eat this health food, you know?
I was telling a lady the other day, you know, boy, my
arthritis is kicking up.
She said, you need alfalfa germ and potassium nitrose,
double elixir, calcium carbonate, bees knees, you know,
magnolia, pollen, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And I'm thinking, no, no, I need a Big Mac, you know,
that's what I need.
That's what I need, you know?
And people keep getting you to eat this stuff because it's
good for you.
And I don't know how you feel about it, but most of that
stuff's so nasty it's hard to swallow.
And what difference does it make if you're feeling good, if
you strangle to death on what's making you better, you know?
I mean, you ain't going to be any less dead, you know, just
because you're healthy.
Is that so you can lay there in your coffin and people can
walk by and go, he sure looks good, you know what I mean?
Who can't, I mean, I got a button that says it all.
It says, eat right, exercise daily, and die anyway.
I don't want to die with Vegemite on my breath.
I want to go with a Big Mac in one hand and a bag of fries in
the other.
You know what I'm saying?
I used to think the nastiest thing on the face of the earth
was this stuffed tofu.
Y'all hip to tofu?
Now, ten years ago in Atlanta, Georgia, people would not have
been hip to tofu, but because the Japanese have come here and
have invested heavily in the industry in the South, thank
the Lord and thank them too, they have brought some of their
culinary delights along with them, and one of the culinary
things that they seem to like the best is this tofu.
This is whip processed soybean curd, okay?
And when you go to the market in Atlanta, Georgia now and you
look down and see a block of tofu laying next to the ham hocks,
you understand things in the South are changing.
You know what I'm saying?
This tofu is really good for you.
It got no cholesterol, got no taste, got no calories,
got no texture.
It's just this white stuff laying there.
It looks like lard flavored jello, you know?
And I ain't eating none of it because it sounds like you get
it out of your socks.
You know what I'm saying?
I mean, I don't know how it is in Georgia, but some old boy
walked up to me in Kentucky and said, man, I got tofu.
I'd say, hey, don't tell me, get Dr. Scholl's, leave me alone.
You know?
I don't know what you expect me to do about it.
If you bathed once in a while, you wouldn't have the tofu.
And you could go through more than, you know, like 16 pairs
of sneakers a year, you know?
Tofu, sounds nasty, don't it?
I suppose the healthiest meal in the world would be a block of
tofu smeared with Vegemite and sprinkled with bean sprouts.
I'm worried about them bean sprouts because we keep eating
them baby beans, we're going to wind up someday with no mature
beans to get us over with.
You know what I mean?
That's right.
You know, you see some little child, like this little girl
down here, you say, what a cute little old sprout she is.
But you know, if somebody ate her tonight, she'd never grow up
to be a mature woman.
Now, we eating all these baby beans and one of these days,
we're going to look around for a bowl of Pinto's and we ain't
going to have them.
And they may be able to get over with that in Montana someplace,
but if we don't have something to chase our cornbread with,
we're going to die.
You know what I mean?
Praise God, it worries me.
And besides that, we're right to life people, you know?
And here we are, you know?
Here we are practicing this bean abortion every day.
I figure if we're going to have a commitment, we ought to stick
by it all the way through, you know?
No baby people, no baby beans.
That way, we'll all have limas when we need them, you know?
I tell you, man.
First time I ever saw bean sprouts, they were on a salad bar.
Now, I worry about salad bars because they're popping up
everywhere, kind of like mushrooms after bad rain, you know?
Now, I didn't mind, you know, Pastor, when they popped up
at the steakhouse because I figured to myself, steak, salad,
okay.
Or they'd pop up down there at the corner restaurant.
You say dinner, salad, okay.
But they start popping up at the hamburger joint, and my
intelligence is starting to get a little bit offended.
Because I know, and you know, we don't go into a hamburger joint
to graze like a bunch of bunnies, you know what I mean?
There's McDonald's, let's pull in for some lettuce.
That's not what we say.
There's Wendy's, let's have one of them little tomatoes.
That's not what we're talking about.
When you go into them places, you're not going in there for
salad.
You're going in there for the gut bomb, the chili, you know,
the bag of fries.
You want the cholesterol.
You want the calories.
You want a double thick shake.
You want a Frosty.
You want a big old Coca-Cola.
That's what you want.
That's what you're going in there for.
And the salad bar is only there as a placebo measure to make you
feel better about yourself because you at least walk by
health food on your way to a heart attack.
You know what I'm saying?
And I worry about these.
See, because there's food on the salad bar that you never see
anyplace else.
Did you ever notice that?
Like, for example, who grows that little corn?
Huh?
Who grows that little corn?
I've been all over this country.
I ain't never seen no little corn farm.
You know what I mean?
I saw Worm Ranch once.
That's where they grow bait worms, you know, when you go to
bait and tackle shop and you get one of them cardboard boxes,
them white cardboard boxes with a lid,
and it's got the dirt and the night crawlers in there,
and you use that for fishing bait.
Those are actually grown domestically on places called
worm farms, honest.
Worm ranches, actually.
Can you imagine being a little boy, go to your daddy and say,
when I grow up, I want to be a worm boy.
I want to wear worm boy boots and a worm boy hat.
I want to wear them chaps, and I want to go on them great worm
roundups and drive my herd of worms from Montana to Kansas
to the railheads so we can send them back east to people that
don't have no worms.
You know, I want to go on the worm brandons, you know,
rolling, rolling, rolling, keep those crawlers rolling,
rawhide, you know.
You know, I think I'd take a short horse.
But I ain't never seen no little corn farm.
Matter of fact, I go around and I see people that grow corn,
and they kind of get macho about the whole thing, you know.
Go to Iowa, nine foot corn, look at the size of these ears.
You know.
Go to Indiana, 12 foot corn, look at the size of these ears.
You know.
Go to Tennessee, 19 foot corn, look at the size of these ears.
You know.
What is it, some guy in California going,
well, this is my crop.
It's small, it's yellow, it's so decorative, you know.
Now you're sitting out there and you're saying to yourself,
my God, this guy will talk about anything.
Boo.
But anyway, I just don't know, you know.
Little corn, little corn, man.
And did anybody ever cut up egg to put on your salad, chop it up,
put a five pound bowl out on the table and say,
sprinkle this on, just sprinkle this on the lettuce,
it'll make it feel, just taste so much better.
Anybody ever do that?
My mama used to cut them egg up, make sliced eggs, you know,
and put it on the salad and make everything look nice
if company was coming.
But nobody ever put a five pound bowl,
a chopped up boiled egg on our table and said,
here's a spoon, help yourselves, you know.
Looks like somebody in the back's going,
go ahead, put it out there on the ice,
the food's being here to eat lunch in a minute, you know.
Nasty stuff.
Salad bar.
But California is a weird place all on its own.
Salad bars are no.
I like California and it's beautiful and I love the people,
I love going there, went to school there.
I mean, I haven't got nothing against California, you understand.
But still, it can be a real experience for people
that are not ready for it, you know.
Last time I was out there, the whole time I was out there,
I was mistaken for a guy named Dude.
You know, I couldn't figure out if Dude was his first name
or Dude was his last name because sometimes it was just Dude
and other times it was Yo Dude.
And that was confusing for me because I'm from the South,
you know, and the term Yo in the South means something
completely different than what it does in California.
I mean, you know, I figure Yo out in California
is Mr. Dude's first name.
In the South, the term Yo means this object belongs to you.
This is your Bible, this is your stool, you know.
This here is your microphone.
And over yonder is your mama.
You know what I'm saying?
Amen?
So I'm out there, I'm walking through San Francisco, you know,
and this guy walks up to me and my road manager
and points at me and says, Yo Dude, and I went, uh-uh.
I ain't got a Dude, I ain't looking for a Dude,
and if you Dudes are cruising for a couple of Dudes,
you done hooked on to the wrong Dude, Dude.
Don't let the ponytail and jewelry fool you, man.
You don't want me to use this, but anyway.
Now, I'm wrecking, I got a phobia, I don't know.
I hurt my leg down in Houston, you know.
I had to put that white cream on there that you rub in,
it gets real hot to keep the joint from freezing up.
I chose Icy Hot because I wasn't fixing to put nothing
called being gay on me, because I ain't never been gay
and I don't intend to get gay, you know what I'm saying?
So.
Boy, you must really hate homosexuals
to make fun of them the way you do.
No, I don't hate homosexuals
because the Lord doesn't hate homosexuals.
And I believe that anybody can get their life right
and spend eternity in the presence of God.
And listen, I make fun of everything, okay?
I make fun of the church,
I make fun of people outside the church,
I make fun of what we do, I make fun of what they do.
I make fun especially of drugs and alcohol
and homosexuality and witchcraft
and all the things that keep people
from a relationship with Jesus Christ,
because when you get right down to it,
the lies that Satan tells, they're all stupid lies
and they deserve somebody to stand around and go,
ha ha ha ha, you know what I mean?
And that's my business, so I want you to know
that that's how that works.
applause
Oh, listen, when I was in California last time,
I got so sick.
Of course, y'all don't want me to say I got sick,
because y'all into positive confession.
You don't want me to say I got sick.
You want me to say something more spiritual
like I wasn't really sick,
I just overcome by a multitude of symptoms.
laughter
Except for the fact that I wasn't overcome
by a multitude of symptoms.
I was gutter crawling, commode hugging sick,
you know what I mean?
I was, I spent three days with my head in the toilet
calling the great white porcelain god, Ralph, you know.
When I couldn't find him, I started looking
for his brother, old Rourke, you know.
When I couldn't find him, I started looking
for a way out of town, Buick.
I mean, I lost everything from Christmas dinner in 1952,
you know what I mean?
I spent three days with my head in the toilet.
Let's hope I was sick,
because if I wasn't, there's something wrong with me.
You know that?
I mean it, you come home and find a friend of yours
on the floor in your bathroom with their head in your toilet
and you say, hey, are you sick?
And they look up and say, no, I'm just down here
because I like the bubbles.
laughter
Here's a person that needs to have their attention got,
you know.
Best way to do that, slam the lid.
Wow!
Then put your foot up there and flush.
And the whole time, this is going on,
your dog is out in the hallway going,
don't put his head in there, I drink out of that.
laughter
I mean, don't you hate it when your dog licks you in the face
and his nose is all wet and you know he ain't been outside?
laughter
Don't you throw him one of them mint-flavored dog bones
and say, see me in about an hour, will you?
laughter
I mean, stuff happens and people are funny
and hey, the world's a weird place to live in.
And you can deny it or you can go with it,
it just depends on your particular bent,
but hey, when you're a person like me,
you got no place to hide,
you ain't got no normal about me.
Normal people have this veneer of normalcy
that they could hide behind
and I have looked for really normal people all my life
and I ain't never found none.
I found some folks that know how to fake it pretty good
because you get anybody in the right set of circumstances,
they're going to get weird on you, you know.
It's just with me, it's always the right set of circumstances,
you know.
And because I haven't got anything to prove to anybody,
I'm just satisfied with being myself
and doing whatever I have to do
and the truth is that God wants me to accomplish
and I don't feel a bit bad about not being like you.
Ain't nothing wrong with you,
but hey, I'm satisfied with what God's got me doing
and who the Lord has made me, you know what I'm saying?
Applause
Lots of times I get criticized by folk
and I don't usually get criticized for my doctrine
and I usually don't even get criticized for the way I look.
I get criticized for being funny.
I've had people write me,
the relevance of the humor
and I write back, I'm not surprised.
Somebody write, what are the reasons for the jokes?
And you write back, to make you laugh.
Nothing spiritual, nothing deep, nothing, nothing.
If you had a good time, hey, you got it, that's it, you know.
But I'm a Christian, am I supposed to have a good time?
Lord, I hope so.
I mean, if we can't have a good time,
who can have a good time?
Applause
You know, if we can't enjoy this, who can enjoy this?
I mean, if you know where you're going
and you got the answers to the question,
what's left to bum you out?
That's what I want to know.
And life can throw you some curves, show enough.
And you can spend some time on your face, show enough.
But the thing about Jesus is
you always have the ability to get up
and you always have the added strength that you need to be victorious.
And if that doesn't give you joy in your life,
then you need to commit suicide, okay?
Laughter
And a lot of you commit spiritual suicide all the time
because you allow yourself to be religious
instead of just being Christians.
You take away the joy of your relationship with Jesus Christ.
When you begin to rely on the rules and regulations
instead of a relationship with God.
And when you begin to share religious doctrines and dogmas
and pet ways of looking at things with people who really need Jesus,
you're not only committing spiritual suicide,
but then you start committing spiritual murder too.
You see, the Bible tells us that we are our brother's keepers.
The only person that even had a question about that
was a fellow by the name of Cain.
And I figure if we've got Cain's attitudes,
we can expect Cain's blessings too.
And if we have just gotten to the place in the body of Christ
where we consider everybody who isn't like us
unworthy of our concern,
where Jesus is just for the folks like us
and not for anybody else,
when we have boxed it up and packaged it up
to the place that we have made it inaccessible
to the folks that really need it,
then we've done ourselves a disservice,
we've done God a disservice,
but most of all we've done a disservice
to all those people out there who have never done anything wrong
except be unaware of the fact that they can change
the circumstances of their lives.
We are responsible for the message, you understand?
It's us. It's us. We're the ones. Yeah. Amen.
I understand the weirdness of the world.
I don't agree with it, but I do understand it.
I understand why the world's a weird place
because the world is a collection of fools being led by a liar.
Why wouldn't it be a weird place?
What I don't understand is the weirdness that we do in the name of Jesus
when we have less excuse for being stupid than they do
because we're children of the book
and we're inheritors of the truth of God,
and if we lived by what we had, we wouldn't act the way we do.
I'm sorry, we just wouldn't. You understand what I'm saying?
I mean, folks, we make religion really difficult.
It seems to me that we make religion difficult
because we want to have a lot of things to brag about to one another, you know?
Oh, yes, praise God, I've been fasting, ain't I spiritual?
I've been not listening to my rock and roll, ain't I spiritual?
And I'm not drinking anymore, ain't I spiritual?
And I'm not doing drugs anymore, ain't I spiritual?
And I got the right kind of haircut, ain't I spiritual?
And I drive the right kind of car, ain't I spiritual?
Oh, and it's so hard and the devil tempts me so bad
and I just drag myself from place to base by the skin of my teeth
just barely making it every day by the grace of God.
And you think to yourself, woo, you know, sounds a little intense to me.
Where's the joy in that? I don't see it, you know.
The Bible tells us that folks will know who we are
by the God that we serve and the spirit that we have
because the God that we serve and the spirit that we have,
if we are doing this all correctly,
will shine forth from our countenance and our character
and people will recognize the Lord in us.
This has nothing to do with the rules that you keep
or the legislation that you adhere to.
It has to do with the situation in your heart
because the Bible says by this all men will know that you're my disciples
if you have love one for another.
We've made religion very, very, very, very difficult,
but the Lord made salvation very, very, very simple
because He knew that it was going to be for us.
And ain't none of us quite as cool as we think we are.
You know what I'm saying?
I mean this whole thing is really pretty simple.
And if you have enough faith in God,
enough love for the Lord to accept it in a simple sense,
and if you have enough faith in God
in His strength and His leading
and enough love for your fellow man to deliver it in a simple sense,
then you begin to see activity in your spiritual life
and fruit produced by your relationship with Jesus.
And if you're a Christian, that's the idea, activity and fruit,
not sitting around waiting for the rapture,
making sure that all your I's are dotted and all your T's are crossed,
do you know, and ain't no stains in your underwear.
Don't go out of the house with dirty shorts on
because if you get in a wreck, people will think I'm a bad mother.
Not you'll be dead, not you'll be run over.
I just don't want anybody to think that I'm a bad mother.
You know what I'm saying?
And the church is like that.
Make sure that if you die, you can stand before God and say,
I belong to the right denomination,
I get to Sunday school every week,
I went to services three times a week,
I had to write haircut, I had to write jewelry,
I had to write makeup, I had to write money,
I gave to the right things,
I dotted all the I's and I crossed all the T's
and the Lord's gonna look past it all and say,
yeah, but you're dead because you don't know me,
because I see your heart and it's empty.
It doesn't have anything in it.
It's like a house full of dead men's bones,
whitewashed on the outside to look acceptable to the neighbors
and any passersby, but inside full of corruption.
And if you don't know Jesus, you don't know squat.
I mean, the Bible says, by this, all men will know
that you're my disciples if you have a loved one for another.
We don't practice love, we practice legalism.
We don't practice love, we practice judgmentalism.
We don't open our arms to a world
that's going to hell in a handbasket,
we point our finger at them.
Oh, now, Brother Mike, don't start talking about hell.
You're supposed to be funny and hell isn't funny.
Well, I know hell isn't funny,
but it's not something we need to forget about
just because it ain't humorous.
Well, I can forget about it, Brother Warnke,
because I've been to the cross.
Yes, sir, I've walked the aisle, I've knelt at the altar,
I've confessed my sins, I've been touched by the hand of God,
washed in the blood of the Lamb,
I've been buried in the waters of baptism
and raised a new life in Jesus Christ,
I'm saved, sanctified, and on my way to heaven,
and I don't need to hear about hell
from those jumped up hippie like you.
Well, you know what?
I'm here because the Lord wants me here.
And you are all here or listening to me tonight
because God wants you to hear what I got to say.
It's the Holy Spirit that's put us together.
So apparently you do need to hear this
because God knew I was coming,
he knew what I was going to say,
and he's got you all listening to this, okay?
So let's just scratch that right now.
Well, you know, if you're saved,
if you've accepted Jesus as your personal Savior,
then you're right.
You don't have to worry about hell.
Hell is no longer your portion.
It's not nothing that you need to sweat for you.
But what about all the people that you know
that don't know Jesus as well as you do?
Don't you reckon you ought to worry about hell
on their account a little bit?
Well, I just don't know, brother.
I don't believe that God would send anybody to hell.
I don't believe that a loving God would do a thing like that.
Yeah, I don't either.
That's why I didn't say the world is being sent to hell.
Did I now?
I said the world's going to hell, didn't I?
There's a difference between being sent some place
and going some place.
If you're sent, you've got no choice.
If you go, it's because of the decisions that you make.
And if anybody in sound of my voice this minute goes to hell,
it's going to be because they decide to go
because God has already done everything necessary
to make sure you don't have to take that trip.
And the only way that you can go to hell
is to decide to turn your back on what Jesus has done for you
and walk away.
It's just that simple.
But the decision's up to you.
Because the Lord didn't turn you into a puppet,
He gave you the right to choose.
He loves you enough to trust you to make the right choice,
even when you don't.
You understand?
No.
The other guy said, I don't believe in hell.
That's how I deal with it.
I just don't believe it exists.
Well, good, tell them when you get there.
Reminds me of a joke, you know.
Everything reminds me of a joke.
These three guys went to hell because they didn't know Jesus.
They belonged to churches, but they didn't know the Lord,
they went to Sunday school but didn't know the Lord,
they went to Sunday service but didn't know the Lord,
they had a membership card, but didn't know the Lord,
they had white shirts and didn't know Jesus,
they had neckties and didn't know God,
they had blue suits,
and didn't know the Lord from Dick's Hat Band so when they died
they went to hell because that's what happens
when you don't know Jesus.
Amen.
All the other stuff is not, it makes the whole picture look real good, but it don't do no
good in the end.
You know, it's like an egg.
If you smack it, the guts gonna fall out.
Doesn't matter if you paint a shell or not.
Amen?
Now, these guys died and went to hell, and one was a Baptist, and one was a Catholic,
and one was a Christian scientist.
Christian scientists got a good gig going for them, you know.
They figure everything that happens to you negative is mental.
So if you're walking down the street and you get hit by a log truck, wow!
All you gotta do is lay there and go, that didn't happen.
Well, these three guys died and go to hell.
They're standing down there in hell, you know, and the devil walks up to the first one, it's
the Baptist.
He says, what about you, boy?
Baptist said, I blew it, I'm here, that's it.
Three points and a prayer, you know.
And he walks over to the Catholic and he says, what about you?
Catholic said, I ain't wearing it too bad, there's somebody praying me out of here.
He walks up to the Christian scientist and says, what about you, boy?
And the Christian scientist said, man, I ain't here.
Now, the point of this little story is this, what the Christian scientist thought about
the truth didn't keep the truth from being the truth, because what is is regardless of
what you might think.
You understand?
Because God has established this universe to run on a set of rules, and those rules
are immutable.
There's no way to get around them.
Oh yes, brother, I know what you mean about the law of God.
You're talking about how much makeup a Christian woman should wear, amen?
No, no, no, no.
You see, in a world that's going to hell, we really don't have time to worry about your
Maybelline, all right?
Well, how much makeup should a Christian woman wear then?
I don't know, sister, it depends on your faith.
My motto's been, if you need it, dab it on.
You know what I mean?
Praise God, you know?
When I'm talking about the laws of God, I'm talking about the laws of God.
I'm talking about the stuff that makes everything hang where it's supposed to.
You know what I mean?
The physical, mental, and intellectual law of God.
You understand?
Now, the Lord created man in his image.
That don't mean that the Lord has got a ponytail and wears a purple and green shirt.
It means that he is three in one, and I as a human being am three in one as well.
He is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
I am spirit, intellect, and body.
And if all of me is not healthy, I'm not a healthy person, and if he wasn't altogether
three in one, then he wouldn't be the God that he's supposed to be.
Now, there are probably some oneness people here tonight and others that don't agree with
the Trinitarian concept, and that's fine.
You can talk to me until you're blue in the face.
You're not going to change my mind one bit, because I believe in the three in one, and
that's the way it is.
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, three persons, one God.
That's how I look at it.
That's how I accept it.
And that's the way I read it, and that's the way it is to me.
Now, people say, but that is such a hard concept.
It's not hard at all, especially not for a Southerner.
I mean, we relate everything to food, don't we?
Now, trust me, ain't that so?
What is the one room in our house that we spend most of the time in, in the South?
Tell me.
The kitchen.
And if we got company, where do we hang?
The kitchen.
And if we decide to have a decent dinner, and all sit around the dinner table for three
hours after dinner is over, where will we be?
Around the dinner table, and in the kitchen, and picking, and talking, and picking, and
talking.
You know, and ain't that right?
So we relate a lot of things to food.
If you want to know about the Holy Ghost, all you got to do is look at a piece of cherry
pie.
If you want to know about Jesus, God the Son, all you need to do is look at a piece of cherry
pie.
If you want to know about God the Father, all you got to do is look at a piece of cherry
pie.
If you want to see how they all fit together and make themselves into one God, all you
got to do is look at a piece of cherry pie.
Now, good cherry pie is running in the middle.
Say amen.
You go out to one of these truck stops, and you get one of these slabs of cherry pie that
looks like two pieces of cardboard with jello in between.
Honey, that ain't cherry pie, okay?
That's a hammock for the Roach Motel, you know what I'm saying?
That right there is rat bait, you know?
That's toxic waste.
You don't want to eat that, you know?
And take paint off your bumper with that, you know?
Good cherry pie, man, you got to put your plate right over next to the pie pan and whip
that pie over it, because if you don't hurry up, it'll run out from between the crust.
Ain't that right?
Amen.
Look at this.
There's a gray-headed lady right out there, and I bet she has cooked a mini of cherry
pie, and she's nodding her head because she knows that's how he's supposed to be.
Amen?
No kidding.
Now, if somebody took one of them nice, fresh, runny cherry pies and put it on the counter
and cut it into three pieces, you'd see the lines of the cut in the crust, but there wouldn't
be any lines where the knife had passed through the filling, would there?
Because that filling would run right back into the crack, and there wouldn't be any
line at all.
Amen?
And people would come in and look at the crust and say, that's three pieces of pie, because
they'd see the lines of demarcation in the crust, but inside the crust, it'd be all one
pie filling, just like inside God, it's all one God, even though he's taken his exterior
and divided it, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, because we couldn't take him in one bite if
we had to.
So if you want to see the Holy Ghost, just look a piece of pie.
Ain't no big deal, you know?
People in these big seminaries, oh, it's a mystery.
Oh, it's a mystery.
Look, God didn't make it that difficult.
We just want to be impressed with ourselves.
That's why we're looking for mysteries.
God made it as simple as cherry pie.
You understand what I'm saying?
Now, when God created laws, he created them intellectual, physical, and spiritual.
Let me show you what I mean, okay?
This is an exercise in the physical laws of God.
Let me show you again.
That's called gravity.
What goes up comes down.
Doesn't matter what you think, what goes up comes down.
You can disagree with it all you want to.
It won't keep you from falling on your backside.
You know what I'm saying?
If your feet fly out from under you on the ice, you're going to fall flat off right on
you.
You know what I mean.
And you can confess all the way to the ground that it ain't going to happen, it ain't going
to change you to bed, because God's law says what goes up comes down.
Apparently, you can go up here in the balcony and throw yourself off and confess all the
way to the front row of seats that you're going to float.
It ain't going to happen, because God's law says what goes up comes down.
There ain't no way to get around it.
You know what I mean?
Well, if you put that stool on top of a big rocket ship and shoot it into outer space,
it wouldn't come down then.
Yes, it would somewhere.
This ain't the only place we got down.
They got down on Mars.
They got down on Venus.
They got down on Jupiter and Saturn and Neptune.
They got down in this solar system, the next solar system, this galaxy, the next galaxy.
Honey, what goes up is going to come down somewhere, someplace, sometime, because when
God created down, He got down, and down is what keeps everything hanging where it's supposed
to.
Amen?
It's no big deal, see?
It's an immutable law of God.
You understand?
Now, intellectual law.
Most intellectual law is based on mathematics.
Most logic is based on mathematics.
You understand?
So, two and two is four.
Doesn't matter what you think, two and two is four.
Doesn't matter what you confess, two and two is four, two and two is four, two and two
is four.
Yeah, but not if you start with base three.
What I care about base three, man.
New math was created by demon-possessed people to drive us all nuts.
Base three.
I ain't talking about base three.
I'm talking about this many and this many being this many.
You know what I mean?
And I don't care if you're standing on the bridge of the starship Enterprise.
If you turn to Spock and say, how many is this many and this many, he's going to look
at you and say, this many.
Live long and prosper.
You know what I'm saying?
Because two and two is four.
Now the philosophers are out there going, yes, but why do we call it four?
I don't care what you call it.
This ain't a deal of semantics.
We're talking about what is being what is.
You can call it anything you want to.
Corn, limas, succotash.
You know what I'm saying?
It still comes out being the same thing.
Amen?
Because the law of God is the law of God.
And biblical law says there is a God.
Biblical law says there is a devil.
Biblical law says there is a heaven.
Biblical law says there is a hell.
And biblical law says you get to keep what you die with.
Now you don't get to keep what you have physically because it's a different experience to live
in a different realm.
You probably get to keep what you have intellectually, but standing next to God is going to look
pretty puny because now we see through a glass darkly, then face to face.
Now we know in part, but then we will know fully just as we have been fully known.
Amen?
But spiritually speaking, you get to keep everything you die with.
Amen?
You do?
Of course, this whole term to die leaves me a little cold.
No pun intended.
Because see, I don't believe people die.
I don't believe people do that.
I don't believe in death.
Well, I don't know, Brother Warnky.
I went to Telly's funeral the other day.
She was pretty cold and pretty stiff and she was laying there in that box, man, and they
closed the lid on her and put her in a hole in the ground and covered her up with dirt.
She wasn't dead, she's probably ticked.
I don't even believe I say some of this stuff, but anyway, there was...
Reminds me of a joke.
Anyway, what does?
He's two drunks and one of them left this party about an hour ahead of the other one
and on his way home, it was cold, 2.30 at night, dark, foggy, nasty, rainy, horrible
night, and he decided he's going to take a shortcut through the graveyard, see?
So he's walking through these tombstones, man, and the wind is blowing.
And the rain is raining.
And there's thunder over in the hills.
And he's walking through the graveyard, and he comes to an open grave and he falls in.
And this grave is full of mad and nastiness about this deep.
He tries to get up, he falls down, he tries to get up, he falls down, he tries to get
up, he falls down, he tries to climb out, he falls back in.
He tries to climb out, he falls back in, he gets up, he falls down, he gets up, he falls
down, tries to climb out, he falls back in.
And then all of a sudden he realizes that without help, he is stuck in this hole.
So he's laying down at the bottom of this hole, 2.30 in the morning, rain coming in,
covered with mud and sticks and goo, and he starts yelling, help!
Now about 15 minutes later, that other drunk, he decides he's gonna go home and take a shortcut
through the graveyard too, see?
So he's staggering through them bushes and them gravestones, you know, and that wind say whoosh!
And that rain say, whoosh!
You know, and that thunder say, whoosh!
And he's staggering along there and all of a sudden he hears, help!
And it's coming from the ground, you know.
Now he gets real scared and he's looking around, you know, trying to figure out where
that yelling is coming from.
And he winds up right at the edge of that grave and he looks down in there and standing
down at the bottom of the grave is this thing.
He can't see what it is real good, by that time there's this huge crash of lightning,
and he sees, illuminated, in the flickering blue light from the flash of lightning, this
humanoid figure with his arms outstretched, goo dripping out of every hole in his body.
And the guy looks down, this thing in the hole looks up at the guy and says, help me
out of here, buddy, I'm cold, you know.
And the drunk looks in the hole and says, well, no wonder you're cold, you kicked all
your dirt off.
You need to be a little bit more reverent on the subject of death, Brother Warren Key.
Well, I would be if I believed in it, but I don't.
Here, let me show you what I mean, okay?
Brother, man, what's your name?
Yeah, you.
Huh?
Stan.
Stan.
Yo, Stan.
Have you got a car, Stan?
What kind of car you got, man?
A Ford.
A Ford?
You ever had car trouble?
I guess that's a stupid question.
How to say the same thing if the guy said Chevrolet.
You got a Ford, you ever had car trouble?
You have, huh?
Yeah, we all had car trouble one time or another, amen, or knowing somebody had car trouble.
Stan, we in your car now, all of us, and we going down the road in your car and we gonna
have car trouble, okay?
You all can follow this, all right?
You understand what I'm talking about, amen?
This is an analogy that you can deal with, say amen.
All right, now, we're going down the road in Stan's Ford and we gonna have car trouble,
okay?
Here we go.
Sorry, Ford.
We going down the road in Stan's Ford and we have car trouble.
Now.
Now...
Your car is dead, Stan.
It's over there by the side of the road.
You try to get it started, you know?
Your car is dead, Stan.
Come on baby.
Come on baby.
Come on baby.
Come on baby.
Come on baby.
Come on baby.
Car is dead.
That's when you say something smart like, it must be the Thelanoid.
And you put the keys in your pocket after you take them out of the ignition, you open up the door and you climb out of your vehicle.
Then you shut the door and walk down the street to go get some help.
And the question I got asked is when you step out of your car because it breaks down, do you cease to exist?
No.
You just trade realities, right Stan?
First reality you're in the car, next reality you're in the street.
First reality you're walking, next reality, I mean first reality you're riding, next reality you're walking, amen?
You don't cease to exist, you just move from place to place.
You go from here to there.
From this place to that place.
From this time to the next time, from this situation to the next situation, you do not cease to exist.
Well, see Stan, that is the way that life is.
One of these days this cardiac Cadillac, this Tonsorio Toyota, this fleshly Ford, this cellular Chevrolet,
is going to cruise over to the curb of life and you ain't never going to get it started again.
People might even come along and try and jump start you, clear?
Ah!
That's, that's, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean?
Well, most of the time when it's time to go, bless God, it's time to go.
But just because your vehicle breaks down does not mean that you cease to exist.
What happens is you step out of this skin envelope that you've been walking around in
and you step out of time into eternity from this place to the next place,
from this reality to the next reality, you do not cease to exist.
We got songs in the church that are very misleading, pastor.
Songs like, if I know Jesus, I'll live forever.
If I know Jesus, I'll never die.
Actually, it doesn't matter if we know Jesus or not, we ain't never going to die
because everybody's going to live forever somewhere.
It's not a matter whether you live forever or not.
You live forever, Stan.
The question is, when you step into eternity,
whose neighborhood you going to be hanging out in?
That is the question.
See?
And the only way that you can tell where you're going to spend your eternity
is by what you got packed when you step over,
because whatever you carry with you spiritually gets to become as eternal as you do.
So if you step into eternity with the one thing that you can have packed,
which is your salvation, then you're okay and you're eternally saved.
But if you step into eternity with the only other thing that you can have packed,
which is your sins, then you get to keep your mistakes forever.
But before you pack, you got to understand one thing
about the character of God.
He cannot exist in the presence of sin.
And if you step into eternity with your mistakes intact
and you have to spend your eternity boxed in by the sins that you committed in this life,
then God is going to have to spend eternity someplace you're not.
And, beloved, that is exactly what makes hell hell.
It is not the fire. It is not the smoke.
It is not the red long johns or the pointed horn
or the pointed tail or the cloven hooves or shoveling coal forever.
What makes hell hell is the fact that God isn't there.
No matter how bad things get here, you can always turn to the Lord,
because Jesus Christ came and lived on this earth for 33 years,
the span of one human lifetime, and during that lifetime
he worked out everything necessary for our salvation,
and each of us is given the same length of time to pack
whatever we need to pack to get on over to the other side.
I don't mean 33 years. I mean a human lifetime.
Some are shorter, some are longer, but we each got the same chance,
one human lifetime, because once you step into eternity,
that's the way things are, that's the way things stay,
and there can't be no repacking then.
So you've got to decide what are you going to do
and what are you going to have packed when it comes time to face God,
because whatever you've got in your valises is going to determine
how you spend your eternity. You understand?
Well, I always got time.
I always got time. I always got time to make that decision.
I'll have to make it now.
I'm young, I'm a teenager, I ain't got nothing to worry about.
I am in the prime of my life in my prime earning years.
I would love to give some time to the Lord,
but you know, I don't really have time to do that,
because I am busy taking care of my family,
getting my kids through school, paying for my BMW,
and making sure the grass gets cut, praise God.
I've got social position in this community.
I've got furs and diamonds, and I've got a membership at the country club,
and I go out there and play tennis,
and I get myself operated on so I can stay young,
and I have all this money to worry about, my children to manage,
and I have so many things to do.
I really don't have time to think about Jesus.
I think about Jesus some other time.
I'm busy, I'm tired, I'm sick, I'm old, I'm young, I'm stupid,
I'm smart, I'm busy, I'm lazy.
I hear the excuses every day from every direction
that you can possibly hear excuses, but you see, I know a truth.
Excuses are like armpits.
Everybody's got a couple, and they stink.
You can go to hell on your excuses.
Do you know that?
And it ain't just hell anyway.
It's not like the Lord gets us saved and goes off to the finish line
to wait for us to show up.
He gets us saved and stays here with us
and makes sure that we can make it to the finish line,
and make it to the finish line right.
It isn't just a sweep by and by.
Jesus is the God of tomorrow morning, too.
It's not that He just gives us eternity.
He shows us how to do this right in the meantime.
None of it makes any sense without Him.
We need to be saved, and we need to make the decision right now
because it's the only thing we're sure of.
You understand?
Here, to further muddy the waters,
having proved that there is no such thing as death,
I will now commence to prove that there is also no such thing as time.
Whew!
Show can't tell if the 60s were good to him.
There's no time.
Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh.
Look at that shirt. I told you.
But anyway, what is this?
Watch.
Watch.
Was it good for?
Tell time?
This tells me when to sleep.
This tells me when to eat.
It tells me nothing about eternity, and when I die,
if I haven't willed this item to somebody,
they're going to throw it to the ground with me,
and it ain't going to mean a thing.
It's going to be strapped to a decaying carcass
that used to be my external identity.
There ain't no such thing as time.
Stand.
Look, man, stand up and tell me what's going on in the parking lot right now
by looking through the wall, okay?
Can you do that, stand?
No, you can't do that, and you know why, stand?
Because your perception is limited,
because you're a human being.
All you will ever know is what you experience and what you learn, and that's it.
It may never be what somebody else experiences and learns,
because there is no X marks the spot as far as perception goes amongst human beings,
because each of us are individuals, and our individual perception is different.
What we learn and what we see, that's what we know, all that we know,
and anything that we have physically as any sort of sense is limited by our environment.
In other words, Stan can't see you through a wall because he's a human being.
Understand?
If we're that limited, not being God the way we think we are,
how in the world, if we can't even look through something as simple as a wall
and tell what's going on in the parking lot right now,
can we sit and tell each other that we know about tomorrow?
Tomorrow, tomorrow, there's always tomorrow, it's only a day away.
Tomorrow, tomorrow, there's always tomorrow, and that's just a pile of manure, okay?
You understand?
There ain't no such thing as time.
There ain't no past, there ain't no future, there ain't no time.
The past doesn't exist, sister pastor, the past doesn't exist.
If you're as old as I am, any of you in this place, and some of you look like you might be,
you know, not a lot of you, but some, if you could look back and honestly say,
I would do things different if I had a chance to do so,
then you would be the kind of person I could trust,
because anybody that would say to me, looking back over an entire lifetime,
there's nothing I would change is a liar.
I don't mean bad things that we would do good,
but maybe good things that we would do better simply because we know what's going on this time, amen?
But it's just too bad, because what happened five minutes ago doesn't exist,
what happened five hours ago doesn't exist,
what happened five days ago doesn't exist,
what happened five years ago doesn't exist.
Yesterday is gone forever.
Yesterday is the lessons that we learned,
and tomorrow is what we prepare for with the lessons that we learned yesterday.
You understand? Human experience, that's what that is.
Hey, but reality is the second that we're living right now,
because that's all that we're sure of.
You understand?
So if you're going to make decisions for Jesus,
tomorrow is not the time, and what you did yesterday makes no difference.
To follow the Lord, you have to be constantly ready,
constantly in focus, and constantly in the will of God every minute of your life,
or try as hard as you can to be within the limits of being a human being.
And if you're going to accept the Lord, now is the only time to do it,
because now is the accepted hour of salvation.
You understand?
Now, to save yourself, to accept the Lord.
Jesus says that everybody is sinned and comes short of the glory of God,
which means simply that everybody needs to get saved.
Tall people and short people, rich people and poor people,
fat people and skinny people, nice people and nasty people,
cute people and ugly people, dirty people and clean people,
fast people and slow people, men people and woman people,
black people and white people and brown people
and red people and yellow people and male people and female people,
people with brown hair, people with white hair,
people with blonde hair, people with black hair,
people with blue eyes, brown eyes, green eyes, no eyes.
Everybody needs to get saved, understand,
understand? Because everybody's sinned and everybody's come
short of the glory of God. Now that's simple. God's taken all
the mystery out of who needs to get saved because everybody
needs to get saved. Amen? Bible says if we confess our sins,
He is faithful and just and will forgive us of our sins and
cleanse us from all unrighteousness. When you confess
your sins, you don't need to tell God what you did wrong
because God already knows what you did wrong because He was
there when you did it. Amen? You mean He saw me when I, yes He
did, and He saw me when I, yes He did, and in the back seat of
that, yeah, He saw that, and He loves you anyway. Ain't that
a hoot? Because the Bible says while I was yet a sinner, He
died for me. Amen? You understand what I'm saying? So
when you confess your sins to God, you don't have to tell God
what you did wrong. You got to tell God that you know you did
wrong and that you're sorry because it is not the darkness
of your transgression that God is interested in. It is the
brilliance of your repentance, not how bad you've been, but
how sorry you are. Amen? The Bible says if we believe in our
hearts and confess with our mouths that Jesus Christ is
Lord and that God has raised Him from the dead, we'll be saved.
That's when we admit who Jesus is. Now Jesus doesn't become
who He is because we admit who He is. Jesus becomes who He is,
and I mean Jesus is who He is whether we admit it or not.
Jesus becomes who He is for us when we admit who He is. Let
me give you an example. You're walking down the street. You're
looking for a job. You see a help wanted sign in the window.
You go in. You get the help wanted sign. You take it to the
guy that owns the store. You hand him the sign and say, I'm
the person that can do this job. He says you're right. You're
hired. Now you got the job and the man who hired you becomes
your boss. Amen? But He was boss before you went in the store.
He was boss three days ago. He was boss two weeks ago. He was
boss ten years ago. It didn't take you going in there to get
a job to make Him the boss. It took you going in there to get
a job to make Him your boss. He became your boss when you
accepted the position He had for you, and Jesus becomes your
Jesus when you accept the position He has for you. Amen?
Bible says He stands at the door and He knocks, and anyone who
will open that door, He will come into them and sup with them
and never leave them. And to me, that's a beautiful thing
because in all these other religions it seems like you got
to go somewhere and do something to get some God's attention,
and if you knock through enough lifetimes, get your harmonica
converged and listen to Shirley MacLaine shout boogie woogie
till the sky falls in, you might accidentally wind up in the
kingdom of God someday. I mean, think about it. The Buddhists
have got to climb mountains in the Himalayas, and the Muslims
have got to go to Mecca, and the Hindus have got to bathe in the
river Ganges, and the Mormons have got to go to Salt Lake City.
And here's Jesus, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the
fairest of ten thousand, the lily of the valley, the bright
morning sun. He is called Wonderful Counselor, the Mighty
God, the Everlasting Father, and the Prince of Peace, looking
you in the face and saying, Hey, you don't have to look for me,
I'll look for you. You don't have to come to me, I'll come to
you. You don't have to make the trip, I'll make the trip. You
don't have to pay the price, I'll pay the price. You don't
have to bleed the blood, I'll bleed the blood. You don't have
to do the knocking, I'll do the knocking. It's not that you want
me, I want you. It's not that you desire me, I desire you. It
is not fellowship that you look for in me, it is fellowship
that I look for in you, and if you listen hard, you can hear
me knock, and all you've got to do is open the door. I mean,
what is so hard about this? Why is it that we have this
difficulty in keeping it simple? What is it about us that
makes us constantly put this outside the grip of people that
really need it? Why are we fooling around while the world's
going to hell? Why don't we have any heart? Why don't we
care anymore? Why can't we just tell the truth? Why can't
we just be real? Why can't we just say to one another the
thing that really makes a difference? Why can't we just
look each other in the face and say, I love you, and let
that be enough, Jesus, especially then when they can
see Him in us as the words come out of our mouth.
I had planned to do a lot of things tonight. I had planned
to do an altar call. I had planned to give those of you
here a chance to accept the Lord, but I'm going to do
something different tonight, and I'm going to kind of go
out on a limb, even with the people who are listening to
this video. And I know that this is being taped for video,
and I know that some of you that are listening to me
wherever place and whatever time, it's because you've
purchased this video and you're listening to it. The
people in this congregation are here with me in person
tonight, and those of you listening to the video,
you're here with me in person wherever you are, and I'm
saying these things to you. I've heard in recent years
and recent months especially that a lot of people who are
Christians buy my material and use it to help them lead
their friends to the Lord, and that really makes me feel
good, because I believe that a lot of times we in the
body of Christ get to be too personality oriented. In
other words, we kept expecting somebody else to do our
job, and the truth is, I don't mind helping you do your
job, but I'm getting to the place where I resent you
expecting me to do your job. I don't mind giving you the
tools and helping you and giving you the information to
help you lead your friends to the Lord. I just hate to
hear you say, I've been waiting for six months for you
to come so you could lead my cousin to Jesus. What have
your cousins, what if your cousin had died while you
were waiting? I'm getting tired of people who think
that the real work of the body of Christ is done by
special people at special times and special places. The
real work of the body of Christ is done by everyday
people in everyday places who've got the guts to stand
up and live Jesus every day. That's how this gets done.
Amen? I'm going to ask you to do me a favor in this
congregation tonight. If you're here tonight and you're
a Christian, put your hand up. Go on. Put it up high.
Don't be ashamed. Put your hand way up high. Go on.
Say, I'm a Christian. Now keep your hand up and look
around. Now put your hand down. Most of this sermon
tonight has been about commitment. In other words, not
how to get to be a Christian, although we covered that
rather thoroughly. It's been about how to act like a
Christian once you are a Christian and the message that
we are supposed to share with the dying world. It's been
about laying down the religious and picking up the
righteous. Amen? That's what it's been about a lot.
Now people say, you're an evangelist. You're supposed
to preach salvation to the lost. Well, I got that
covered, but I didn't stand up here all night and go,
get saved, get saved, get saved, get saved, you know?
Because if I'd have done that, 99.9% of the people in
this congregation and a majority of you who buy this
tape to listen to it before you share it with your
friends, you'd be sitting out there going, we are, we
are, we are, we are, we are. Hey, I am not the person
to look to if you think that Christianity is a
spectator sport, something that you can sit back and
watch somebody else do. There ain't no possible way.
I am no longer willing, at least tonight and in this
place, and for those of you who have stumbled on this
lesson in your browsing through the bookstore, I'm not
willing at this point to take your responsibility. If
you brought somebody tonight that doesn't know Jesus,
then you lead them to the Lord. If you've got your
friends listening to this tape, then you take the
responsibility to lead your friends to the Lord. Show
them the love of Jesus not only exists in Mike Wanker
or on this tape or in this church where all of us
Christians are here tonight, but show them that Jesus
exists right there in the kitchen or the dining room
or wherever you got this video running. Try that, too.
Be what you said you were, a child of the most high,
and let somebody see him in your life and use it for
purpose to take control of time in this moment that we
have to make our decisions and make a difference.
We're going to pray together tonight, and the prayer
that we're going to pray is a song. I'm making two
conditions in this prayer. Now, prayers don't usually
come with conditions, but this one does. If you mean
it, sing. If you do not mean it, shut up. I'm only
using these street terms so that nobody can say,
what did he mean? If you mean it, sing. If you do not
mean it, be quiet. Don't sing. Better an honest sinner
than a hypocritical Christian making promises they
have no intention of keeping. All right? That's one.
If you mean it, then sing. If you don't mean it, be
quiet. And if you decide to sing, sing! Don't mumble
lyrics. You know, you guys are tough, bad Georgia-type
dudes. You know, you go to a ball game, you scream
until your eyeballs bug out. Amen? Then they get you
in church on Sunday, ask you to sing the glory of
the Most High God and what you do for Him. Rock of
Ages, clamp for me. How'd you save a wimp like me?
It's enough, you know, to make a grown man gag. You
know? I mean, boys sing this song like you got a
little hair. You know what I mean? Urah! Amen?
You say, Urah! Come on, say, Urah! There you go.
There you go now. And you women, you don't have to
sing like wimps because you women. Because this
weaker sex stuff is a bunch of baloney. If y'all were
the weaker sex, God wouldn't ask you to have the
babies. Amen? Now, beloved, now beloved, let me tell
you something. I know what I'm talking about because
I had a kidney stomp. It was about the size of the
head of a pen. I cannot imagine giving birth to
something weighing nine pounds. It would be like
passing a basketball, you know that? Praise God.
No, as far as I'm concerned, you look up the word
macho in the dictionary, it says, see mom. You know?
So, thank the Lord. Let's sing like what we are
tonight, more than conquerors in Christ Jesus.
Amen? You're going to sing? Sing. If you're not,
be quiet. Song is, I have decided to follow Jesus.
Amen?
I have decided to follow Jesus.
I have decided to follow Jesus.
I have decided to follow Jesus.
No turning back. No turning back.
Now the ladies.
Though none go with me, still I will follow.
Though none go with me, still I will follow.
No turning back. No turning back.
Now the guys.
The cross before me, the world behind me.
The cross before me, the world behind me.
No turning back. No turning back.
Everybody.
I have decided to follow Jesus.
I have decided to follow Jesus.
No turning back. No turning back.
Amen.
Everybody said? Amen. Praise the Lord.
Now, I'm going to just tell you this joke and silently fade into the background.
Of course, I could do that. We didn't even coordinate this.
They did this on their own. I bought this shirt this morning.
Ain't that wild?
Never amazes me. I never seems it to amaze me.
The things that God puts His finger in.
I mean, the Lord's going, let's make this nice.
All right.
It wasn't that funny. But anyway.
But I appreciate it. Thank you.
There's these two fellas and they going down the highway at a high rate of speed.
And they wound up in heaven.
And they standing in heaven, you know, and the Lord walked up and said, Hi fellas.
And they said, Hi Lord.
He said, Welcome to heaven. They said, Thank you.
He said, How do you like the place? They said, Wonderful.
He said, No complaints. And the first one said, No complaints, Lord.
Second one said, One.
Lord said, What?
He said, Well, he said, We's pretty young and that wreck was pretty quick.
And he says, There's some stuff I'd like to have done before I got here.
Lord said, Well, OK. He said, You guys been good guys.
I'll tell you what I'll do. Each of you pick one thing you want to do.
I'll send you back down there for a week. You can do it.
And I'll come get you.
So the first one said, Well, Lord, that's awful generous of you.
He said, You know, I've always wanted to fly. I think it'd be great to be an eagle.
Lord said, And he was gone.
Second guy standing there, he's kind of digging his toe in this dirt, you know.
Lord said, What?
The guy said, Well, Lord, he says, It's embarrassing.
Lord said, Well, what is it you think I don't know or hadn't heard of?
The guy said, Oh, yeah.
He said, Well, I'll tell you, Lord, I've been a wimp all my life.
He's Oscar Meyer City, Lord.
And he said, Just once, I'd like to be a real stud.
Lord said, And he was gone.
Now, a week goes by. Don't look so worried, Pastor, OK?
I can read that look on your face.
He's saying, My God, where's he going now?
I started telling this joke. Sister Pastor looked over to her husband and said,
Did you check him on this first?
I didn't know I could read lips, but I saw her.
Anyway, now Lord's walking through, a week later,
Lord's walking through this garden in heaven and he remembers these guys that he gave a week to.
And so he calls his angel to him, Yo, Ralph.
Ralph comes. He's a friend of Buck's. Amen.
Ralph comes. Lord said, Listen, do you remember those guys we gave the week to?
Ralph says, Yes, sir.
Lord says, Well, go get them.
Ralph says, OK.
He says, Where are they at?
Lord says, Well, the one that wanted to be the eagle, he's out floating over the Grand Canyon.
And Ralph said, That's great, Lord. Where's the guy that wanted to be the stud?
Lord said, Well, he's a two by four and a plaster wall in Atlanta, Georgia.
Thank you.
Yeah.
you