Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
God's one and only voice of comedy, Mike Warnke.
I know that when I walked out here, there are a number of you who have never seen me before.
Some of you husbands are now elbowing your wives saying,
I thought you said this was a Christian thing. Praise God.
If I'd know this is going to be a hippie deal, I wouldn't have come down here.
You know, I don't like them hippie deals, Martha.
And you told me this is going to be a Christian deal.
You didn't say nothing about this being no hippie deal.
If I'd have thought this was going to be a hippie deal,
I'd have stayed home and watched wrestling. Praise God.
You told me this is going to be a Christian thing.
And I can tell you right now, that boy up there on stage,
he is not a Christian because he's got that long hair.
And everybody knows that Christians don't wear their hair long on account of the Lord
likes his little sheep shorn real tight. You know what I'm saying?
That's okay, Elmer, you leave Ethel alone. I'm a Christian.
I am a Christian. I'm a Christian not because I wear long hair and not because of the way I talk
and not because of the version of the Bible that I carry or the denomination I belong to
or the kind of car that I drive or whether I got a pink shirt on or a blue shirt on or a yellow
shirt on or I got hair this long, this long or this long.
I'm not even a Christian because I got these holes in my earlobes.
The Lord hung on a cross and shed his blood to wash my sins away.
And that's why I'm a Christian. Amen.
And when the Lord decided to save me, he didn't need your permission.
You know that? And when the Lord decided to call me,
he called me so that I could use my talents for him.
Now, I don't sing. I don't play the piano. I don't dance.
I am not a great orator. I am not a pulpit preacher.
There is only one talent I have. I am weird.
I have been weird all my life. I will be weird until I die.
I tried three or four times to straighten up.
But if there's anything weirder than a weird person being weird,
it's a weird person trying to be straight. You know what I'm saying?
I mean, close your eyes and imagine me in a light green leisure suit with white shoes.
That'll kill you right there.
Try and imagine this face under one of them crew cuts so short
you got a bald spot right there that you don't even deserve, okay?
Think about it, man. I know I'm a weird person.
And I know that a lot of you think I'm weird just because you judge on the exteriors.
And that's okay. A lot of people judge on the exteriors.
Some of you think I'm weird simply because I've got long hair.
But, honey, I've got a spiritual reason for this hair.
But, of course, as a Christian, I've got to have a spiritual reason
for everything because Christians are not allowed to just do nothing, you know?
Because people will be challenged, you six ways from...
You get up in the morning and say, I need a cheese sandwich.
Somebody say, you show me the word cheese sandwich in the Word of God.
How do you know that the Lord's leading you to eat a cheese sandwich?
Did you have a revelation? Did you have a dream?
Were you speaking in tongues and the word cheese sandwich came out or what?
Was there a testimony to this? Was there a prophecy for this?
How do you know you're being led by the Holy Ghost to eat that cheese sandwich?
Yes, I mean, we can't even get up in the morning and want to eat a hamburger, you know?
You can't get up and say, boy, I could sure pig out today.
Yeah, buddy, I could sure deal with a couple of hamburgers.
Maybe, maybe more than a couple of hamburgers, maybe a couple dozen hamburgers.
Maybe a truckload of hamburgers. I need some grease in my life, man.
I got zits that need nourishment, you know?
If I'm going to nurture this crop of eruptions, I need some grease in my life.
Praise God.
Boy, I'll tell you, I could swim through a load of them today.
People would go, gluttony, he's in sin.
Cast the demon of secret sauce out of that boy, you know?
Name yourself foul spirit, Wendy.
And hearties in here, too.
Won't cause you no trouble at all to throw us up, you know what I mean?
So to avoid that kind of confrontation, what you need to do is you get up in the morning
and you say, as I lay sleeping, an angel of the Lord appeared unto me and said,
Yea, take thyself from thy recumbent and horizontal position into the world of men
and there high unto the land of the golden arches.
And once thou hast arrived, purchase unto thyself two all-beef patties,
special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles on a sesame seed, my.
Yea, and be ye filled in my name, you know?
Listen, not only will people go with you, you get a testimony.
Ha, it's Jesus.
Hallelujah, let's go.
I'll admit to being weird.
But I was wondering, do any of you normal people wonder what a weird person thinks is
weird?
I mean, if I'm it for you, what's it for me?
If you come to me for yours, where do I go for mine?
If I'm the bottom line where you're concerned, what's the bottom line where I'm concerned?
Sir, you're sitting down there, you're a well-dressed individual with a great big white
flower right on your lapel.
I want you to know that you look like a normal, fine individual to me and I want to know,
did you ever wonder what somebody like me thinks is weird?
Did you ever wonder that?
Well, I'm going to tell you.
I think it's weird when you're sitting in church and three pews behind you, somebody
goes, ha.
I always think to myself, what are they going to do with that now?
Oh, you see when I'm scratching her ear, you know?
That ain't too weird, but when they look at her finger, man, that is weird.
And why do they always want to show that to you?
Look.
No, I don't want to.
Praise God.
Or somebody take out their handkerchief and blow their nose, then they look at that.
What kind of wisdom are they trying to find in there?
It must be pretty good because then they fold it up and keep it, man.
Yeah, I think I'll hang on to that till Jesus comes.
I don't even believe I say some of this stuff.
You know what?
But I'll tell you, man, weird people worry about things that normal people don't worry
about too, you know?
Like for example, why do people drive on parkways and park on driveways?
What is daylight savings time?
And if we're saving so much of it, who's got it all?
How do you know when yogurt's gone bad?
How do you get Teflon to stick to a skillet when nothing sticks to Teflon?
How hard would it be to nail jello to a wall?
Inquiring minds want to know, you know?
It's like flying, for example.
You think that's a normal thing to do, go out to the airport and get...
Go out to the airport.
Go out to the airport, get on an airplane and go somewhere.
Do you realize what you're doing?
You're getting in a hollow metal tube with wings on it under the command of a complete
stranger.
You're letting this guy take you to 35,000 feet and travel an excess of 400 miles an
hour.
That's like saying, strap me to this bullet and send me home.
It's a dangerous and weird thing to do.
I travel 385,000 air miles a year.
I got so many frequent flyer points, I got an upgrade on the space shuttle, you know
what I'm saying?
And they say things on the airplane that's supposed to make you feel better, like fasten
your seatbelt in case we have an accident.
Well, I know if we're falling out of the sky from 35,000 feet at a 70 degree angle, heading
straight for the ground, and I know we're not going to miss, it's going to make me feel
a lot better to know that I got my seatbelt on.
Hey, nothing to worry about.
I'm strapped into this wreckage.
I'm just sitting there sipping my Coke.
The guy next to me is going crazy, aren't you afraid?
Why no, man, I have my seatbelt on.
And have you ever heard this one?
The cabin has been pressurized for your comfort.
In the unlikely event that we should lose cabin pressure, a compartment directly above
your head will open and an oxygen mask will fall from the ceiling.
If this should occur, please extinguish your smoking material, reach up and grasp a mask,
pull it to the full extent of the plastic tubing, which will start the individual oxygen
flow.
Then place the gold cup over your nose and mouth, adjust the elastic band to fit your
head and breathe normally.
Fat chance.
You've fallen out of the sky from 35,000 feet.
You're at a 70 degree angle.
You're headed straight for terra firma.
Now some mercy comes into the situation.
The air gets sucked out of the airplane and you got a chance to pass out before you hit
the ground.
But the airline wants you to get everything you paid for.
So they say your life.
This little panel opens up, this little mask falls down, but because you're at a 70 degree
angle, it doesn't fall straight down in front of you.
It falls out here somewhere.
And you can't reach it because you got your seatbelt on.
It's weird, see?
I mean, even the American family can be a pretty weird gig when you look at it just
right.
Dad comes home completely unsuspecting to that one bastion of tranquility and calm and an
otherwise hectic day.
That castle, that harbor safe from the storm of life, that bastion of love, caring and
understanding to his loving progeny and his darling spouse.
He walks in the door tired from a day of sweat and toil.
He puts his hat on the closet shelf and hangs his coat on the wire hanger.
He closes the door, puts his paper down on the hall table, walks into the living room
and the first thing to greet his eyes is a demon possessed woman.
You must do something with your children.
That says, oh my, they must have really messed up.
They just became my children.
Because up until then, they've been the direct result of the gene pool of mom's family.
Now they're messed up their dad's kids and he's got to do something with them.
And under this kind of pressure, he does what dads do from time to time.
He overreacts.
He runs down the hallway.
He kicks open the bedroom door.
The little girl is in the middle of the bed with the sheet pulled over her head, hugging
onto her teddy bear.
Little boy's in the toy box looking out through the slats.
Two kids too big to hide are standing in the middle of the room going, fake him to the
right.
No, no, fake him to the left.
I'll tell you what, I'll jump on him.
The rest of you head for the window.
I'll sacrifice myself.
Go for freedom.
Yeah.
And dad says something like, that's it.
I've had it with you people.
You go lay down in the driveway.
I'll be out there in a minute.
I'm going to tie your feet to the bumper of the truck and I'm going to drag you around
the block just to make sure you learn your lesson.
I'm going to get that guy next door to tailgate some.
And the kids are walking out there.
And dad supervising the activity.
And they're laying down in their.
They look like cord.
Mom walks out.
Dad puts his arm around mom's shoulder and says, how am I doing sweetheart?
And she looks at him and says, I wish you weren't so severe with the kid.
Then she goes down, gets them up out of the driveway, puts her arms around them, takes
them in the house and gives them milk and Oreo cookies.
And as they walk by you still standing on the porch with your face hanging out, they
do one of these.
And she's done it again.
She's a fairy godmother.
You're the wicked witch of the north.
I'll tell you, mom's an interesting individual.
Mom's a very classy individual.
She's a very logical person that uses questions to raise us all our lives.
Mom says things to us like, do you want me to slap your face off?
Oh yes ma'am.
I've always wanted someone to slap my face off.
I could keep it in a box under the bed then.
I mean think what a hit I'd be at show and tell.
This is me.
Do you want me to knock you into the middle of next week?
Well who will recognize me?
I'll be over there with no face.
And as your mother ever got right down and you kiss her and said, do you hear me?
She's gonna look at her and go, what?
And the one question to end all questions, what do you think you're doing?
Well it doesn't matter what I think I'm doing.
I know what I'm doing and I'm not gonna get in trouble for what I'm doing or what I think
I'm doing.
I'm gonna get in trouble for what you think I'm doing.
So the question that we need to deal with here is not what do I think I'm doing, what
do you think I'm doing?
I'd need this information if I'm gonna come up with a decent lie.
And you young people bring some of this upon yourselves, okay?
No offense meant in any way, shape or form, but some of you young people have got to understand
the truth of the situation.
Some of you never will because you not only lie to everybody else, you lie to yourselves
and that's okay.
It goes with the territory, we understand.
But you see between the ages of 13 and 20 for those seven years, you're not even allowed
to talk to your parents.
You can talk to your friends' parents.
You can talk to your counselor at school.
You can talk, you can talk to your friends.
You can talk to people we don't know on the phone for hours and hours, but you can't talk
to us.
I mean the Teenage Union of the United States of America has forbidden its members to communicate
with their parents.
There are only three legitimate terms that members in good standing of the Teenage Union
of the United States can use in the presence of their parents.
There are only three approved sayings.
There are only three.
These sayings are number one, nowhere.
Number two, I don't know.
And number three, nothing.
That's all you're allowed to say.
And nowhere is only good for one question.
Where are you going?
Nowhere.
Oh, who's going with you?
I don't know.
What are you going to do when you get there?
Nothing.
Then why don't you stay in your room until you're 30?
Or go lay down in the driveway and I'll be out there in a minute.
I mean, you see how frustrating it can be?
I mean, think about it.
And then the I don't know part, you don't even have to enunciate the I don't know part.
You've got sign language for that.
We ask you a question.
We tell you the answer.
Oh yeah.
Seven years of this ought to give you all severe brain damage.
You ought to look like Neanderthals.
You ought to have foreheads back to here and shoulders over your ears.
Seven years.
What are you going to do after high school?
College.
What are you going to major in?
Walk into a room.
There sits a kid.
Hey, you got any homework?
I don't know.
Well, who do I ask to find out?
I don't know.
Well, you're sitting in front of the television.
What's on now?
I don't know.
Have you seen your mother?
She's in the kitchen.
Oh yeah.
And walk into a room where you got five kids.
Four of them will each have the legs of a cat stretching the animal out tight until this
thing looks like a fur-bearing trampoline.
The fifth one will be up there going...
What are you doing?
Nothing.
This cat was torn in half when we came in here.
I mean, don't you kids know where liars go?
They go to Washington.
And a family like the one I've been talking about, you can even wind up with weird pets.
This lady sitting over here going...
Lady sitting next to her is going...
That's okay.
Praise God.
Get used to me.
If you don't, your first thousand years in heaven's going to be miserable anyway.
We had this old dog, see?
And it died and went to be with Jesus.
You had to laugh.
It wasn't your dog.
You're probably laughing because you don't believe in doggy heaven.
And I just like to say, as your faith is, so be it unto you.
But I know where my dog went because my dog was into Jesus, man.
I mean, she was.
It was a female dog.
She was into Jesus.
She was.
I say to her, baby, heel.
And she goes...
You know, I mean, she's into it.
She's back in the backyard praying to little cats.
Little cats are saying...
I think I just broke a cameraman's neck.
But that dog got old.
She got old, man.
Her teeth fell out.
Her eyes got bad.
Yeah.
Her hearing got bad.
She got arthritis in all four legs.
And she just lay on the porch all day long.
And somebody come to the gate and she go...
Stranger.
At least I think it's a stranger.
I can't tell too good, you know.
Why don't you run up there and grab him and drag him down here.
And if we don't know him, I'll gum him one for you, okay?
Imagine being bitten by a dog with no teeth.
I mean, a regular dog run up and say...
Old dogs say...
It doesn't hurt, but it sure take the crease out of your slacks.
I'll tell you that.
And barking doesn't help because a dog barking with no teeth doesn't make a scary noise.
Woof.
Would that scare you?
Woof.
You're at my house and steal my personal belongings.
You got one leg through the bedroom window.
You hear woof.
Does that make you want to run away?
No.
Makes you want to check your shoes, you know.
That dog died, passed away and went to be with Jesus.
And because we're not the kind of family that can do without a dog, I had to go get us another
one.
So we got a little bitty puppy.
That was a little bitty white puppy and it had a black spot on its back.
And then it had a curly tail, a floppy ears and brown eyes and a wet nose and furry feet
and a fat tummy that made him wobble when he walked.
It was just a little puppy.
And now weighs 168 pounds.
And his whole attitude toward life is, hey, you want to play or what?
And it doesn't matter if you don't want to play because they drag you out in the yard
and make you play.
It's a very affectionate animal, see, with a tongue this long.
I come home from a trip.
I missed you.
And I walk in the house and Rose goes, is it raining?
I think the only thing that the dog likes to play with more than me or his ball is his
cat.
This cat named Henry likes to pick him up by the head and go, when he spits him out,
he goes, boy, Henry, you're a lot of fun to play with.
You're more fun than that ball because you walk back over here.
I have to tell you, this kind of treatment has changed a cat's life.
Okay?
Because the cat used to be cool.
You know, he walked around the house, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow,
meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow,
meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
And now he walks around the house.
It's a lot of fun to run up behind him and go, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo,
and he hits that ceiling fan, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh,
whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh.
And this one?'s funny.
It's funny between Bruce Wayne and pulling Ghost at the ceiling fan, where Road
Dad's
Whoayed Big
Really this stuff is kind of normal when you think about it because it's me.
And this is the stuff I normally do.
So far I've just been acting normal.
The stuff about me that's the weirdest is the stuff that would be normal if it happened
to normal people.
But because it's normal stuff that happened to a weird person, it turns out being really,
really weird, see?
You understand what I'm saying?
Back for the fact that I'm a Christian, a lot of people have trouble thinking of me
as Brother Mike.
I mean when I walk down the street, people don't automatically say, now there goes a
man of God.
They usually say something like, Ethel, you know where the kids are.
That boy looks like one of them hippie deals to me.
You know what I mean?
It's hard for people to say, that there is a brother of mine.
It's hard to think of me that way because we have a tendency to judge by what we see
instead of finding out what really is.
We put so much emphasis on exteriors, we never worry anything about interiors.
Now there was a situation tonight where some people were actually having trouble getting
into the church because there were some people who were afraid to let them in because they
were Satanists and said so.
They had black hoods on, they had satanic clothes on, and there were a few people that
were going, we can't let those people in our church.
Well what's it for then?
Who's supposed to come in here?
Then pastors showed up and said, I didn't open this church so people could be left out
of it.
Y'all get out of the way and let them people in here.
Those Satanists got in tonight, they're here.
Want you guys to know that you're welcome.
Thanks for coming.
Don't turn around and try and spot them.
They took the hoods off.
One of these days I'm going to stand before the throne of God and I'm going to have to
make an accounting for what I've done with my life.
I'm not going to have to answer for my sins because my sins have been forgiven, but I
am going to have to answer for what I did with what Jesus gave me to do with.
You know what?
When I stand before God's throne on the day of judgment, none of you people are going
to be sitting on it.
That's okay because I'm not going to be sitting on it for you either.
One of these days every Methodist, Baptist, Catholic, Presbyterian, Charismatic, Pentecostal,
Lutheran, Nazarene is going to wind up on the same side whether they like it or not.
And as long as we've got to be on the same side eventually, why don't we get on the same
side right now?
I'm a Christian because of what happened in my heart, not what happened to my hair.
The Lord didn't come to change my shirt.
He came to change my life.
And He did that.
He did that because I accepted Him as my personal Savior.
Because in a mob closet at 11.30 at night on the 22nd of August in boot camp in San
Diego, California in 1966, I prayed this simple prayer, Lord, I don't know if you can love
a Satanist, but if you can, I'm asking you to do something with me.
And 22 years ago the Lord answered my prayer and I've never been sorry that I prayed it.
And I'm a Christian whether you like it or not.
So go ahead and think of me as Brother Mike.
It'll be okay.
But you see, it gets weirder than that because I was ordained in 1975.
So for the past 13 years I have been a card carrying credentials holding minister of
the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Think upon it.
Meditate upon the ramifications of such a thing.
Let it twist your trans sisters and roast your rheostat.
It's not Brother Mike, it's Reverend Warnke.
Freak you out yet?
Hey, look, I am a college graduate.
I am seminary trained.
I have two bachelor's degrees.
I have two master's degrees and a doctorate in divinity from Antioch University.
If you're having trouble with Brother Reverend, just think of me as Dr. Mike.
Nothing is hardly ever what it looks like.
You know what I'm saying?
You can wrap up gold in burlap and it's still gonna be gold.
Do you guys get what I'm trying to say?
I'm not trying to brag.
It's just the facts, see?
Well, I don't care.
I've heard you talk about that one daughter of yours and she's sitting right there.
She made me promise not to make her stand up or indicate her presence in any way and
embarrass her in front of all these people.
And of course, I promised her that I wouldn't, but I lied.
Did you get that on?
Anyway, I've heard you mention that one kid, but sometimes one kid's not enough.
If you had a whole bunch of kids, it'd give you a sense of responsibility, brother.
If you had more than one child, if you had maybe two, maybe three, you'd be a responsible
human being then.
Nothing like a few kids to give a guy a sense of responsibility.
If you had children, you would probably wear decent clothes, get a haircut, and let the
holes in your earlobes heal up.
If you had children and understood responsibility a little better, you wouldn't come out here
and be the kind of example to our kids that you are.
If I wanted my kids to see somebody that looked like you, well then I would take them to a
rock and roll show.
That means you ain't been to a rock and roll show lately.
I may have the hair, but I ain't got the spandex.
You know what I mean?
You know what I'd look like in a pair of spandex pants?
I'd look like a hippo in pantyhose, man.
Thinking about it makes me itch all over.
Oh man.
You talk about cutting off your life, but anyway.
I have six children.
I have a 26-year-old daughter, 24-year-old daughter, 23-year-old daughter, 18-year-old
son, 16-year-old daughter, 14-year-old son, and it hadn't helped a bit.
Those of you that are having trouble with Brother Reverend Doctor, just think of me
as dad.
It's not hard for her.
She's had a little experience.
We're just blowing it on you tonight.
Think about Christmas with me.
Think about sitting across the table eating turkey with a turkey.
So for those of you having trouble with Brother Reverend Doctor Dad, think of me as grandpa.
You gray-headed saints that have been sitting out there all night thinking, my God, where
did he come from?
I'm one of you.
I got a nosebleed up here, but anyway, you gotta be real careful with your children,
you know.
But you can mess your grandkids up any way you want to.
Because see, as a grandparent, you have the secret weapon.
It's called send them home, which means you can buy them all the noisy toys in the world
and then send them home.
It means you can take them to the state fair.
You can feed them all the food that you wouldn't let your own kids eat.
You can fill them full of corn dogs and cotton candy and caramel apples and popcorn and root
beer and lemonade, then take them on all the fast rides.
And when they get that interesting green color, you just send them home.
Leave them all day long, never change one single solitary diaper.
And when your daughter comes to your house and says, what are you doing?
You go, yeah.
My granddaughter is a hoot, man.
Her favorite person in the family is the dog.
So she's only got one speed, full tilt.
She doesn't walk anywhere anymore.
It's just sort of...
And the dog's the only one in the family that goes, heck, I'll go with her.
And you see them running through the house together and she'll be yelling, kitty!
Kitty!
And the cat, my God, there's two of them.
She caught the cat one day by the tail, held him up by the tail and said, doggie!
Kitty!
And the dog, I love that kid.
He decided he loved her when he found out that food stuck to her face.
We have the happiest dog and the cleanest child in the world.
He found that out one day when I was feeding her.
They left her with me and we were trying to get some food down her and she was playing
dodge the spoon, you know?
Had her mouth open and everything and I kept trying to...
Take them to the right, take them to the left.
I got a big bowl, took four bottles of baby food and emptied it into the bowl.
Went about 15 yards across the kitchen, got me one of the big serving spoons and said,
Buford, open up!
Ah, pshoo!
You know?
And I went, ah, pshoo!
You know?
Turned around to get the dish ragged and when I turned back around the dog was going...
She had him by the ears and she was going, ah!
And I said, why not?
She's a great little girl.
Thanks to everybody in the family, she sort of has a different response.
She loves her mom and daddy.
She loves her aunts and uncles.
She thinks that her grandmother hung the moon.
She loves us all differently and the same.
And Catherine loves to go through the litany of the family names with her little niece.
Say mamma, naman.
And I say papa.
Papa!
She likes me because I look so much like the dog.
168 pound old English sheep dog, you know?
And whenever my granddaughter sees me and she approaches me, she always runs at me for
whatever distance has to be covered, runs at me full tilt and then stops five yards
away, looks me up and down, then covers the remainder of the distance between me and her
in these short little baby steps.
I mean up until about five yards, she's just running full pelt, you know?
Then she stops, and then she goes.
And she gets right up to me until just her toes are touching.
And she stands there and she goes.
Then she looks up and goes, papa, take thee.
And you know what?
Every time she does that, I take her.
Now I don't take her every time she wants to be taken for something.
Like when they put her to bed and she's laying in there squabbling and squabbling and she
doesn't want to go to bed, I don't go in there and get her and haul her out back into the
living room because she's got to learn that bedtime is bedtime.
Sometimes her parents have to correct her.
And sometimes when they correct her, the correction makes her cry.
And I hate to hear my granddaughter cry, but I don't interfere with my daughter or my son-in-law
because my son-in-law and my daughter are good and just people and they're raising my
granddaughter the way I'd like to see her raised.
And even though she's my granddaughter and I don't like to hear her cry, she's got to
learn that no means no.
So I don't interfere.
But every time she comes up and stands toe to toe and holds her arms out to me and looks
at me in the face and says, papa, take thee, I take her.
She's done it when I've been talking to other people, I take her.
She's done it when I've been on the telephone, I take her.
She's done it when I'm sitting down, I take her.
She's done it when I'm standing up, I take her.
She's done it when we're feeding horses out in the yard, almost any place that you can
think of, almost any time during the day, she will walk up and do that and when she
does, I take her.
She never says it with a question and she never makes a demand.
She never walks up and says, papa, take thee, like maybe I won't.
And she doesn't come up and go, papa, take thee, like maybe she's got to get my attention.
There are no demands and there are no questions because she has put me to the test over and
over again ever since she was five months old and began to walk, ever since she was
able to walk up to me and stand toe to toe and say, papa, take thee, she said it and
I have done it.
And because she has put me to the test over and over again and because I have never failed
her, not one time, and hope to God that I never will, if she lives to be a hundred and
she can still say, papa, take thee, and I'm still around, I hope I still have the strength
to take her because she's mine, because she has tested me and because I haven't failed.
She has developed trust in the love that I have for her and because she trusts in the
love that I have for her, she has faith.
Faith that eliminates the questions and makes the demands unnecessary, faith based on the
trust in the love that someone else has for you.
In this case, papa, in our case, God, because the only true faith that exists is the faith
that comes from trusting in the love that God has for you.
When you come to trust that, when you can say the words, Jesus loves me, not just from
your mouth and not just from your head, but from your heart, then the questions disappear
and the demands become unnecessary.
And a walk with Jesus is something that gives you victory and peace and love and joy and
all the things that you're supposed to reap and benefit from when you have a relationship
with God and are possessed of and producing the fruits of the Holy Spirit in your life.
The Bible says we are justified by faith, we are justified by love, we are justified
in that trust that we place in God because he loves us.
Not because he's bigger than us, not because he can chastise us, not because he's omnipotent,
omniscient and omnipresent, not because he's bigger than everybody, not because he controls
everything, not because we need to stand before him in fear and trembling because if we don't
do what he says, he's going to squash us like bugs because he's not that kind of God.
You can read his word and find out what kind of God he is just by what he says to us, just
by what he thinks is important, just by what he wants us to know about him.
You can see the kind of God he is.
For example, 1 Corinthians 13, if I speak with the tongues of men and of angels but
do not have love, I've become a noisy gong and a clanging cymbal.
And if I have the gift of prophecy and know all mysteries and all knowledge and if I have
all faith so as to remove mountains but do not have love, I'm nothing.
And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor and if I deliver my body to be burned
but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind, love is not jealous, love does not brag and is not arrogant,
love does not act unbecomingly, it does not seek its own, it is not provoked, it does
not take into account a wrong suffered, it does not rejoice in unrighteousness but rejoices
with the truth.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, love
never fails.
Now, in 1 John, the 4th chapter, the 7th, 8th verse, it tells us that God is love.
So the very definition of the God that we are supposed to serve is the love that most
of us so desperately seek in our lives.
Nobody is life anyway except for a search to find somebody that will love you and somebody
that you can love back.
And how can you know love unless you accept the definition of love and according to the
word God is love?
So you can't even know love until you know God.
You understand?
God is love.
So take 1 Corinthians 13 and for every place that it says love, substitute the word God
and you get a picture of the kind of Savior we have, the kind of God that we serve.
Listen to this.
God is patient.
God is kind.
God is not jealous of you and me.
God does not brag.
God is not arrogant.
God does not act unbecomingly.
God does not seek his own.
God is not provoked.
God does not take into account a wrong suffered.
God does not rejoice in unrighteousness but rejoices with the truth.
God bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
God never fails.
Now ain't that the kind of person you could stand toe to toe with and hold your arms out
to and say, hey, hey, Lord, take me without question and without demand?
You, I have picked up my granddaughter a couple of times when she didn't want to be picked
up but she was headed for disaster and she couldn't tell it and I could because she's
this tall and I'm this tall because she's Catherine Rose and I'm Paphaw because she
is 18 months old and I am 14 some odd years old.
You know, like the time she got fascinated with the fireplace.
To her it was pretty.
To me it was crispy.
But the child knows no fear.
She'd head straight for it lickety spit with me right behind her.
She'd be going, pretty.
There's no right or wrong.
Thank you.
At Orchee Ministries we handle between 45,000 and 50,000 prayer requests and counseling
calls a month.
A lot of people think it's just me running around the country doing concerts.
I've been doing this for over 22 years now.
And I do on an average of 22 concerts a month.
And the people who come to us, pastor, wouldn't come to normal folks with a 10-foot pole.
Not because you folks wouldn't help them.
It's just in a lot of cases they're as prejudiced as you are.
And they're just as willing to judge you by the way you look as you are to judge them
by the way they look.
The people who come to us, some are homosexual.
Some are AIDS victims.
Some are suicidal.
Some are runaways.
Some are young girls wondering about abortion because they have unwanted pregnancy.
Some are witches.
Some are warlocks.
Some are pimps.
Some are perverts.
Some are Satanists.
Some are junkies.
And when somebody comes to your office or calls you on the phone and says, I had a sex
change operation three years ago and I got saved last night, I want you to tell me what
to do with the rest of my life.
You better have some Jesus on tap then.
When a 15-year-old kid comes and says, or calls and says, I'm sitting in my father's
study right now with a loaded pistol in my lap, you got exactly 10 minutes to talk me
out of blowing my brains all over the ceiling.
You better have some Jesus on tap then.
When a young girl calls and says, I've been kicked out of my house because I'm pregnant,
and my dad says I can't come home again until I get an abortion, what kind of Jesus do you
think she needs?
The Methodist Jesus or the Presbyterian Jesus or the Catholic Jesus or the Pentecostal Jesus
or the Charismatic Jesus or the Lutheran Jesus or the Episcopal Jesus or the Nazarene Jesus
or what have you?
Or do you think that she just needs the Jesus that will put his arms around her and tell
her that her life is worth something and so is the life inside of her?
And if she needs that Jesus, where is she going to find that Jesus if she doesn't find
that Jesus in us?
If she doesn't find this Jesus, this Jesus that's not puffed up, that's not proud, that's
not arrogant, this Jesus that loves and endures and believes and hopes, what's she going to
do?
At Warranty Ministries we preach in prisons.
We were in prison just a few months ago and it wasn't a beautiful auditorium like this,
Pastor.
It was just a lunch room, 40 convicts over warm Kool-Aid and stale bologna sandwiches
down in Georgia, but you know what?
Four of them got saved anyway.
We preach in mental hospitals.
When we first started going into mental hospitals, everybody said you shouldn't waste your time
with those people.
They're crazy.
They won't even understand what you're talking about.
We started going into mental hospitals and we found out that there's a whole lot of people
in mental hospitals that aren't crazy.
They've just been surrounded by the darkness of this world to such an extent they've lost
their way and we found out that the same love and the same light that drew us out of darkness
could draw them out of darkness too.
We have an anti-occult ministry that walks all over this United States and in some foreign
countries too.
At Warranty Ministries we deal very heavily in the area of occult crimes.
Not only do we do seminars for police departments and law enforcement agencies and churches
and any other interested civic group that wants to do something about the problem of
occult crime, we also help the police prosecute people who have committed crimes in the name
of Satan.
At Warranty Ministries we specialize in a certain kind of crime.
We specialize in crimes committed against children.
In all fairness, let me say, every Satanist in this country is not a criminal.
And it is not against the law to worship Satan in a country that guarantees your religious
freedom.
But when the people who practice Satanism step over the bounds into criminal activity,
that's where we come in.
And when it involves children, that's especially where we come in.
We investigate between 25 and 30 cases every single month, and 98 percent of the victims
are under the age of 12.
I'm talking about a little girl who was murdered last year in 1987 in the state of Louisiana
by having her sexual organs cut out while she was still alive.
A lot of you think that when a Satanist kills they do so because they want to spill blood.
And you've seen enough late-night movies to think that.
But if a Satanist or any other kind of occultist kills an animal or a human sacrifice, it's
not to spill blood, it's to release the life force.
Because when the life force is released and you've done the right incantations and rituals,
you can absorb that force, they say, and it makes you a stronger wizard warlock or whatever.
The longer the death and more prolonged the death and the more agonizing the death, the
more force is released.
So they took this little girl and they killed her by cutting her sexual organs out while
she was still alive.
After she was dead, they cut her chest open, took out her heart, cut it up in little pieces,
and took communion on it.
And after she was dead, they cut down both sides of her head and down the back, they
peeled the flesh away from the bone.
They stole her skull to be used in satanic rituals, took her mutilated body, put her
in a garbage sack, and threw her in the dump.
I wish you wouldn't tell these ugly stories, so does the devil.
I wish you wouldn't upset our children, so does the devil.
I wish you'd clean this up a little bit.
Is there any way to clean up the sacrificial murder of a six-month-old child?
You sound like a fanatic to me.
Well, good thinking.
I am a fanatic.
I'm fanatically in love with the kids that get hurt.
I'm fanatically in love with you.
I'm fanatically in love with the Satanist brothers that came here tonight.
I'm fanatically in love with anybody that will sit still long enough for me to tell
them about Jesus, and I'm fanatically in love with people that won't sit still that I have
to run down.
Because the only thing that will ever stand against this kind of hatred is this kind of
love.
The only thing that will defeat that kind of Satan is this kind of Jesus.
And when it comes to Jesus, it's not special people on special nights in special places
that does the work that he has to be done.
It's everyday people in everyday places that got the guts to live Jesus every single day
to get the job done.
Hallelujah.
I'll tell you what.
It's time we quit being comfortable.
It's time we quit sitting around on our big fat pews waiting for God to bless us.
It's time for us to quit having this attitude, Lord, what can you do for me today?
It's time for us to start wondering what we can do for Jesus.
It's time for us to stand up, get over our tails, look Satan right in the eye and say,
I'm a believer.
What are you going to do about it?
You see?
Because the Bible says if you resist Satan, he'll flee from you.
At Warranty Ministries, everything we can believe and everything we do believe can be
condensed into the words of one song.
Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to him belong, they are weak, but he is strong.
You say that's a children's song.
If you think that, it's because you don't know what you're talking about.
You see?
When you say the name of Jesus Christ, you're not talking about one of nine divine manifestations
of Godhood.
You're not talking about some cat at the airport trying to stick incense sticks in your hand
or some dude on the street corner trying to sell you carnations.
You're not talking about a reincarnation of Michael the Archangel.
You're not talking about a golden statue on top of a temple in Salt Lake City.
You're not talking about a prince, a poet, a prophet.
You're not talking about some yogurt sucking guru from Antelope, Oregon.
When you say the name of Jesus Christ, you're talking about the King of Kings and the Lord
of Lords, the fairest of 10,000, the lily of the valley, the bright and morning star.
He was called wonderful, counselor, the mighty God, the everlasting father and the prince
of peace.
And when you say the name of Jesus, honey, you say a mouthful because at the sound of
that name, every knee will bow, every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord.
Jesus Christ is Lord.
Jesus loves me.
When you say Jesus loves me, you're saying that the God who put the night sky in place,
who sprinkled it with stars, who could gather his creation into the palm of one hand and
drop it in his eye and it wouldn't make him blink, loves you.
Loves you enough to know your name.
Loves you enough to have the number of hairs on your head counted.
Loves you enough to have known you before you were formed in your mother's womb.
Now, honey, if that don't give you goosebumps, you ain't got a goose bump in you.
Hear me?
Praise God.
Jesus loves me.
This I know.
Why?
Because I'm the right color, because I got the right amount of money in the bank, because
I drive a Mercedes Benz, or I go to the first church of the Frigidaire or the second St.
Luke overcoming Pentecostal Church of God in Christ with fire and signs following, or
the Methodist this or the Baptist that, or I got a red shirt or a blue shirt or a green
shirt or I shop uptown or downtown.
I live on that side of the tracks or on this side of the track.
I speak English.
I speak German.
I speak French.
I speak Latin.
Is that why Jesus loves me?
Is that how I know?
Absolutely not.
I know because he told me, and he's not a man that he should lie, and everything else
is going to pass away except this word right here.
And in this word he says, I love you, which must mean that his love is as long lasting
as his word.
So when everything else passes away in my life, the love of God will still be there
to sustain me.
Not the world's idea of God, not Hollywood's idea of God, not Martin Scorsese's version
of Jesus or what this book says.
See, Jesus loves me, this I know, because the Bible tells me so.
You understand?
Now, because I got a quiver in my liver or a splatter in my bladder, because the Bible
tells me so.
Jesus loves me, this I know, because the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to him belong.
They are weak, but he is strong.
Because every one of us is small and weak and naked and sick and diseased and lost and
crippled and hurt except for Jesus.
Every one of us is at Satan's mercy except for Jesus.
And when we get saved, we get the biggest big brother on the block.
Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to him belong.
They are weak, but he is strong.
I have never been a perfect Christian.
I have never been a perfect man.
I have never been a perfect husband, a perfect father, a perfect grandfather.
I have never been a perfect angel.
I have made more mistakes since I have been a Christian than I ever did before I got saved.
And now that I am a Christian, I have less excuse for the ones I do make.
I am not God's best servant.
I am not the body of Christ's best speaker.
I am not the funniest man that ever lived.
I have never been a perfect Christian.
But even though I have never been the Christian I should be.
Jesus has always been the Jesus he promised he would be.
And the reason I stand up here tonight with victory in my heart and joy in my life is
not because of my perfection, but because of the perfection of my Savior.
Not because I have learned to trust in me, but because I have learned to trust in the
love that he has for me.
I have learned faith.
And I am a winner.
Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to him belong.
Unbelievable.
Went back in the prayer room.
Several lives changed.
Demon possessed people completely changed.
Young people who were contemplating suicide lives completely changed.
Incredible night.
Incredible.
Unbelievable.
Simply fabulous.
I saw all denominations being just flattened out and we gathered together as Christians.
Praise the Lord.
My sides hurt.
I laughed so hard.
Dog barking with no teeth doesn't make a scary noise.
Woof.
Does that make you want to run away?
No.
Makes you want to check your shoes.
You know.
That's okay.
Praise God.
Get used to me.
If you don't, your first thousand years in heaven is going to be miserable.
Go ahead.
Praise the Lord.
Yup, over and over.
Thank you.