Foreign correspondent in Boipatong a month after the massacre and all over South Africa
government and ANC confront each other.
Neither will back down.
There is no doubt whatsoever that Mr. de Klerk himself is implicated in the violence.
As the ANC begins its campaign of mass action Peter George reports from South Africa for
foreign correspondent 7.30 Saturday ABC.
This attraction can and does frighten people of all ages.
We've spent over 3.5 million dollars on this.
The One Nation package.
I know this logo here.
DJ Milagio live 10 o'clock Saturday on ABC.
Monday nights won't be the same now that Jean Kitson.
I wonder if you've noticed how the buses never arrive on time but the electricity bills always
do.
Has teamed up with Mary Ann Fay.
But I don't want you to want me to just because I want you to want me to.
I want you to want me to because you want me to, alright?
Kitson Fay 9.30 Monday.
Good evening.
Welcome to the show.
Let's get straight down to the big scandal, the story of the week in Australian television,
the People Meters Rort.
It's been all over the counterpair shows, all over the newspapers.
For those of you not familiar I will briefly explain.
People Meters are electronic boxes attached to various television sets around the country
which record what shows people watch.
It's the way that we networks can work out what our shows are rating.
Now earlier this week Channel 9 was accused of rorting this system by targeting a show,
City Extra, specifically at the people who have People Meters to try and artificially
boost their ratings.
And it seemed to work because on the night in question this show in Brisbane more than
doubled its ratings.
Now Channel 9 denied that it was possible to rort the People Meters system.
I'm here to tell you that it is and to demonstrate exactly how.
You see what you probably don't know is that at any given moment the television networks
have total access to the People Meters.
We know what our shows are rating.
What I'm about to do now is illegal but it's in the public interest and a lot of fun so
what the hell.
I'm going to call up our ratings to show you exactly what our ratings are on the People
Meters right now.
Can we see that please?
There we go, yeah that's pretty typical for Friday night.
We're rating about almost 70.
There's a handful of people watching Fires Out and Robbo.
There's a few people watching whatever 10 do these days which is I think a test pattern
at this time of night.
As usual SBS are wiping the floor with the opposition on a Friday night and I must say
their finished film festival has been superb.
Well done.
Now to demonstrate how easy it is to rort this system on the count of three I would
like everybody, every live and sweaty viewer at home with a People Meter attached to their
television to turn it off.
Wait for it on the count of three to turn their TV off.
One two three.
Everybody come on, even the old people come on quickly quickly quickly.
See it is that simple to rort the system.
That's documentary proof.
We're not making this up and I think that's made the point so everybody at home with People
Meters can turn their TV sets back on now.
Oh fucker.
Look how about people who know people with People Meters could they give them a call
and tell them we've just lost half our bloody audience.
This next bit is important.
Try and remember this bit and tell it to the people with People Meters.
It's about Paul Keating.
You see he's still playing hard to get but the pressure is building.
Just this week a question was asked of him in Parliament about the 10 pin bowling challenge.
Don't believe me?
Watch this.
Member for Wales.
Mr Speaker my question without notice is to the Prime Minister.
Mr Prime Minister why have you refused to compete in the 10 pin bowling competition against
my mate Andrew Denton on a fabulously successful live and sweaty program.
Were you not prepared to participate in a program which reaches some 5 million viewers
many of whom are unemployed.
As a matter of urgency I ask you to take up Mr Denton's offer and inspire this struggling
country of ours.
Well perhaps not surprisingly Mr Keating refused to answer that question not least because
Parliament wasn't actually sitting this week but let's not worry about that.
The thing is though the man is clearly frightened.
Just last week I met a member of our audience Alex Johnson from Perth who actually met Mr
Keating at a function and put the question to him are you going to go 10 pin bowling
on live and sweaty.
Mr Keating's reply was and I quote no it's too down market.
Now down market Paul I don't take down market personally I mean down market this from a
man that thinks scumbag is the height of sophisticated wits.
But Paul I think you should know that with 11.1% unemployment down market is in this
year it's all people can afford.
Down market Paul Keating is your constituency and you would do well to take heed of the
Australian public who any minute now are going to sign this petition.
That's right people of Australia we now have a petition available for you to sign in all
ABC shops and centres in every city and town near you to get Mr Keating to come 10 pin
bowling on live and sweaty.
If you're not near an ABC shop or centre all you have to do is write to us at live and
sweaty GPO Box number 4 in a capital city near you and we will send you a petition.
And they all have to be back by August the 17th.
Let's force this man once and for all to accept his democratic responsibilities.
And by the way the record for a petition is 213,000 signatures.
I think we can beat that don't you?
Yes we can.
These are the same people that clapped at the applause sign I wouldn't believe them
if I were you.
Mind you they're going to get excited because tonight aside from an extraordinary line up
of guests we have a musical act we've been after all year.
After four months on the road they've come back just for this appearance before disappearing
overseas.
Will you please welcome the hugely talented the mega Diesel.
Please happy birthday to Diesel.
And baby, ain't no sin gonna be your lover
Don't turn around when you're standing there
No one to turn but them gonna be your lover
Spend a little time, there ain't no time
Tell them the money's, let me learn to learn
That's not a yellow line, no, it's just a line
I'm gonna make you believe it
Cause my love that will satisfy
Is how, how you're willing to be, you are seen
Baby, I don't let you see
You got the best of me, gonna be your lover
Just give her a chance, let me make her stand
I come together, we're as one in a band
That's not a yellow line, no, it's just a line
I'm gonna make you believe it
Cause my love that will satisfy
Is how, how you're willing to be, you are seen
I know you're lost in confusion
I've been alive, can't you see
Girl, it ain't no illusion
You're gonna give it to me, no, no
I'm gonna make you believe
How, how
I'm gonna make you believe
How, how
I'm gonna make you believe
How, how
That's not a yellow line, no, it's just a line
I'm gonna make you believe
That's not a yellow line, no, it's just a line
I'm gonna make you believe
That's not a yellow line
No, no
That's not a yellow line
No, no
It's not a yellow line
I'm gonna make you believe
How, how
I'm gonna make you believe
How, how
How
Woo.
Dizel and his band. Amazing. I mean, good-looking, talented, great music, great guitar. I hate people like that.
Unfortunately, I'm gonna have to hate him twice more because, uh, well, actually, very please.
Dizel and his band will be back not once but twice in the show tonight.
We're going to be playing a special brand new song at the end of the show.
And let me tell you, this song is, uh, oh, it's alright.
Yeah, it's not bad at all.
Diesel will be back later, as will Peter Jackson and Steddietti.
But first, with all the latest sports news, my friend and yours, Karen Tine.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening. In Rugby League tonight, Western Suburbs have kept their Final Five hopes alive
for a three-point win at home over the Balmain Tigers.
The score didn't change from the half-time margin of 9-6.
It was one try apiece, leading try-scorer in the Winfield Cup, Mark Bell,
posting his 13th of the season for Western Suburbs.
There's a number one.
8 or 9 tack was racked up already.
Farah works the run around with Taylor. McHarry runs onto the flat pass.
Five gone.
What will Taylor do? Here he is.
Here's the runner. Lean back. They'll score.
Bell! He gets trying on the third lead.
Oh, tremendous play by the Magpies.
And in AFL this evening, the Sydney Swans,
who are struggling down the bottom of the competition ladder,
hosted third-placed Collingwood at the SCG.
The Swans trailed by 11 at half-time, staged a fight back in the third term,
in the end going down to Collingwood by 18. Here's some of the action.
In space, Lewis couldn't take it. McCartney is playing at centre-half back drives.
Well, there's nobody home for the Pies. It's a foot race now.
Rocker, Bays let it slip through. Rocker around the corner.
Handball to the Mercurial run.
Dacos pops through his second.
To basketball now, and two matches tonight in the Men's National League.
We've got a half-time score from Adelaide, where the 36ers, 61, are leading Geelong 52,
and a full-time score, Melbourne not good at all,
going down to the Newcastle Falcons, 118 to 113,
and in the Women's National Basketball League, Adelaide 80, have defeated Brisbane 56,
and in the following game, Melbourne 72 by 10 over Canberra.
And that's it from me. I'll be back later in the program. Andrew.
Thank you, Karen. Actually, Collingwood didn't do quite as well
as they might have hoped there against the Swans, and Crackers Keenan,
I don't know if you know this, is an assistant coach at Collingwood.
And he wasn't there tonight, was he? He's here for this show, actually, skiving off.
We might ask Crackers actually what input he had
into what was clearly below average performance.
But first, I think we might talk to Skull of Rust, or Skull of Flemish,
who was last week, Debbie Spillane.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
How are you feeling? Better?
Much better. Got rid of the throat of rust.
I thought that was a much more tasteful description than what you just said.
I'm sorry, I try not to be tasteless. I just look that way.
Yes, you just can't help yourself.
I'm a bit sorry to say it actually hasn't been the sort of throbbing,
climactic issue and incident-laden week in sport
that we've come to expect here on Live and Sweaty.
No problem. No, I'm ready for this one.
Can we run the horse footage again from last week?
We're not going to run! Please! Oh, look, there it goes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I love that. I love that. That is so good.
I promise we've got some more falling over for you later on in the segment.
Something for you to look forward to, something a bit cerebral for you, Andrew.
So, just concentrate. All right.
But we've got to do some talking stuff first. Sure, sure.
So people don't fall over. I understand.
I thought we might start by paying tribute to Bathurst golfer Peter O'Malley,
who won the Scottish Open last weekend.
Although he's been on the European Tour for a while,
he's so far removed from the glamour, he probably thinks IMG's a building society.
Anyway, last weekend he grabbed the Scottish title
by carting five birdies and two eagles on the last seven holes.
Of course, the really, really unbelievable thing is that,
having done that, he didn't beat Greg Norman.
Norman wasn't the runner-up.
I mean, I thought it was absolutely compulsory that when anyone
sort of performed an eagle with a triple twist and pike on the last hole,
that you always beat Greg Norman under those circumstances, but he didn't.
I don't know. Well, listen, I mean, I think this Greg Norman thing
is getting looter, because the other week Greg Norman didn't even make it
to a play-off and everybody said he was ripped off.
I mean, he wasn't good enough, was he?
Well, let's admit I'm getting a bit tired of the this-time-he's-really-hungry routine.
I've read that story about 50. It's like the this-time-John McEnroe's-really-reformed story.
This time he's really got his head together and he's really going to go strongly
in this tournament, but we've got other golfers, like Peter O'Malley.
Let's talk about someone else for a change.
No, let's see the horse again. Have we got the horse again?
No, we're not going to see the horse again.
Oh, well, just once.
Just trying to control yourself. Oh, all right, go on.
For those tempted to think that women's sport is just a tamer version
of whatever the men are doing, there's been a couple of little stories this week
that might change your mind. For instance, the Federation Cup fracas are over in Frankfurt.
Very good. Yes, all unintentional.
I don't know if you heard about this.
The Federation Cup is basically the women's equivalent of the Davis Cup,
and during the Australia-Bulgaria doubles rubber,
they had to stop play when Yuli Mleva, the mother of the Bulgarian duo
Katarina and Magdalena Mleva, came courtside
and punched a German journalist in the throat.
They actually did have to stop the game.
Somebody clapped up there.
The war was over 50 years ago. Just relax.
This will bring the crowds back for sure.
Apparently the German journalist had called her an idiot.
Hard to believe, isn't it?
She was so upset at being called an idiot,
she went out there and made an absolute fool of herself by attacking this woman.
I think it works along the same logic as the argument,
you know, I'm not shouting!
Just punched this woman, and it didn't help the young girls.
It wasn't a McEnroe motherhood sort of thing
because they still got thrashed by Australia in straight sets.
All she needed to calm down this woman, to lighten up,
was to look at the horse again.
No, we're not!
There we go! Oh, that's so good!
You know, it wasn't really the horse, it's a stunt horse actually.
It was a stunt double.
Oh, really? Oh, that's really all the fun now.
Actually, the horse wasn't hurt.
For those of you who think I'm being cruel to horses...
Oh, he's worried about his conscience.
No, I'm not at all worried.
Look, I personally don't like horses.
I had a very bad experience with a horse when I was young.
Which I refuse to talk about unless it's for new ideas.
It knocked him back, basically.
The horse, I mean.
If you think so, Debbie, obviously you get around.
I don't know what you're talking about.
And how about this for an interesting story on women's sport
from today's Sydney Morning Herald.
I'll read it to you.
The second women's lacrosse test between Australia and the US
will go ahead in Adelaide tonight,
with players forbidden from wearing protective helmets.
Australian coach Peter Kuznicki says international rules ban helmets,
but anyone receiving head injuries will be encouraged to seek compensation.
That's what I like to see.
Going into a game with an open mind
and very possibly coming out of it with an open head wound.
It's ridiculous.
Encouraged to seek compensation.
They should be encouraged to spell it if they get hit in the head.
I mean, how stupid is that?
Would somebody from La Crosse care to contact the show in the next week
and explain what the hell they're on about?
That sort of violence should be restricted to the home.
Yeah, well...
Generally, though, apart from those little stories,
I'd have to say it's been a fairly uneventful week in sport,
and you sort of know it's a dud, actually,
when you have to say the only example of raw physical courage
that you've seen all week has come from the arts.
That's right.
This, in my book, is definitely the play of the week.
Yes, it was the fleet-footed tenor Placido Domingo.
Putting his body on the line in the performance of Tosca last weekend.
Basically, I think his coach is to blame there,
and I hope that they will advise him to wear the sprigs next time.
And, you know, the extraordinary thing about that
is that Greg Norman came that close to winning the lead role in Tosca.
That close!
Tell you no word of a lie, Debbie.
We'll see you for your Rugby League preview,
which will probably be way off the beam as usual,
but it's always very entertaining.
In the meantime, it's down to Melbourne and Elmwood.
Let's go.
Yeah!
Thanks, Karen.
And on this beautiful midwinter's day in Melbourne,
I thought perhaps we might explore
one of mankind's oldest leisure activities.
Yes, the flight of the humble kite.
All you need to do is take some brown paper and...
Oh, my God! Oh, what was that?
Lacrosse.
Lacrosse, look at my kite! I'm bloody furious!
Take it!
Come on, fellas.
Let's play!
Let's get over here!
Get in time!
Come on, come on!
Get in!
Come on, come on!
Get in!
Come on, get in!
They say that lacrosse is one of the oldest games on Earth.
That is correct, Elle. It is the oldest game on Earth.
Yes, it goes back over a thousand years.
It was first played by the North American Indians
and also by the Vikings.
From what it looks, it looks like it'd be a fairly rough kind of sport.
It's not, actually, Elle.
We have plenty of protective gear.
We have the helmets, the gloves,
helmets and gloves are compulsory to wear on the ground.
We have rib pads, chest pads,
shoulder pads and, of course, the mandatory box.
I don't think you were wearing any protective gear
around your face when this happened.
No, I wasn't, Elle. I wasn't wearing the helmet at the time.
No, I wasn't.
We're going to wear the helmets now and gloves.
Robot gear.
Similar to gridiron, doesn't it seem?
It's probably a bit more flexible than gridiron.
You've got more room to move.
Right.
Because it's such a fast stick handling sport,
you've got to have the room to move.
The skills that one needs in lacrosse are?
It's almost a combination of all sports.
Because it's such a fast game up and down,
it's a lot like an athletic sport,
like basketball up and down.
Except because the ball's fast,
like field hockey,
yet then you've got the skill of someone hitting you.
Like in ice hockey, if you're being hit,
you've still got to take control of the ball.
So when you've got the ball,
you might have someone running into you
or they'll be hitting you with their stick at the same time.
Actually hitting you?
Actually, well, hitting your glove
or the arm pad up to about here.
It's a whole lot of things all put together.
So I have to try and dislodge.
If that's your arm and you've got that up there
and there's a ball in there, I have to basically do that.
Yes, that's correct, and I'd protect that with my body.
And there's nothing wrong with you hitting the stick hard
or another player from another side running straight through me.
Doesn't that lend to broken arms and stuff like that?
That's a tough game.
My oaf.
All right, then, now let's take a look at this young man.
So, number 11, a big guy.
A big guy.
Very attractive outfit we have there.
Oh, you've got a bigger one than this.
Yeah, it's a goalkeeper stick.
It's a lot bigger than the defence...
Don't brag.
Just found bad catch, that's all.
Got it flaunted, I suppose.
Oh, my hair.
Oh, very flattering.
Feel the ball into your skin.
I would if I could feel my head under the helmet.
Oh, there we go.
Elle's getting a go.
Nearly. Sorry.
APPLAUSE
Hang on a second.
How come the men?
It's OK for the men to wear helmets, but not women.
I want to know the answer to this.
Will somebody please contact me and let me know?
In the meantime, let's get on to our first guest tonight
who is in a difficult situation
of having a reputation as a larrikin
which threatens to outstrip his reputation as a footballer.
And look at this.
What a footballer.
Look at him through the defence.
Sure, it's only manly, but nonetheless, it's a hell of a try.
Will you please welcome
not only a good-time guy, but a very talented footballer indeed,
the North Sydney, Queensland
and Australian Rugby League 5'8", Peter Jackson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Jacko, welcome aboard.
What about the bag?
I just didn't bring one thing for the...
What is it called?
Holy Relics.
I've got the packet of smokes
that David Hill would let me smoke.
Naughty!
I've got the footballer's dream, the can of beer.
That's a wet dream.
I've got the...
I've got the tights that I probably played
my last test ever in.
Oh, really? Because, yes, you...
They might need a clean. In fact, they do.
That's funny. I didn't think you raised a sweat
in that particular test.
And the boots I probably played my last test in too,
down in Melbourne.
No, Jacko. Well, no, you might get back.
No, I'll stay positive.
No, if they ever have a veterans Australian team, you'll get there.
Jacko, of the many stories
told about you, which is your favourite?
Well, unfortunately, I suppose
a lot of the funny stories
that sort of you had to be
there ones.
Oh. Well, let's pretend we're there.
Yeah, OK. I think...
In 86, when I was deciding to come to Sydney,
I had a good offer from Canberra
and a good offer from Canberra.
And I was... about 3 o'clock in the morning,
I was full of it. And I was sort of
tossing up, so, you know, like,
best thing to do when you're making a critical
life decision is to get full of it.
So I was tossing up
what I should do and I sort of said to myself,
well, Sydney, I'm in Brisbane
and I'm full of it. I've got to get my life
together. So I said, if I go to
Sydney, it's all over. So I rang up Don
Fernand at 3 o'clock in the morning and said, Don,
I'm coming down. You didn't say exactly like that.
Ah, ah, ah, ah!
So that was it, yeah. That was it.
And Don responded positively. So you had to be.
That was about as funny as a war, that, wasn't it?
No, no, no, that was... that was...
That was good. You were glowing inwardly.
No, that was... yeah, absolutely.
They're going internally berserk to quote Elliot Goblet.
Well, actually, a story I know about you,
but I'd like you to relate, is Bungie
Jumping with Wally Lewis.
Yeah, we went in New Zealand after the last test
with Wally and I and actually
the... Jeff, the hitman, Harding.
Name dropper. Yeah, clunk.
But, yeah, he...
We all jumped off the Mount Starr...
Mount Smart Stadium where the Commonwealth Games were,
which was pretty stupid, really.
Yeah, what was...
Was it water beneath you? What was...
No, it was concrete, yeah.
Which even made it more stupid, really.
Yeah, very stupid. And weren't you supposed to be
in Sydney playing football at that time?
No, I went away with the Australian
team in 89 and
I was basically there... I didn't play a test
over there, so...
I didn't know what I was doing there.
Not at all. Well, that's what they said about you
in the test in Melbourne.
Yeah.
Now, Peter,
you have played with and against
Malmininga, son of Thor the Invincible.
For those of you who don't know...
Not Thor. I heard that one earlier.
For those of you who don't know...
Hi, I hope you're watching dinner. For those of you who don't know
Malmininga, he's built like any four human
beings crammed together by some
bizarre fusion experiment.
How do you play against
Malmininga? How do you stop him? Or is there a clause
in your contract which says you don't have to tackle him if you don't feel like it?
I'd like to put it in there.
Actually,
to be honest, and Mal will probably hate
me saying this, I don't find
playing against Mal that hard. You too?
Yeah. I'm glad, mate, because we can
talk about this. He's easy.
I sort of
seem to have more trouble
with the small nippy guys than the
big sort of lumbering guys
with tree trunks as legs.
Well, how do you stop him? Do you do
a sort of crocodile run thing?
Do you think I'm just hypnotising?
Basically, you've just got to sort of put your body on the line.
Just throw your head
at those legs and
hopefully you won't
end up in hospital.
Strikes me as a remarkably stupid
philosophy throwing your head
at legs like that. Yeah.
Well, it is, actually.
That's how I got that.
Fortunately, you're well again.
I've been fortunate
I haven't had to play against Mal that often because
as you know, Andrew,
because you've followed my career so closely
over the last ten years,
I actually started playing with Mal in
South Brisbane. With Wayne Bennett
as your coach.
And he thought I didn't know. And then I played in Canberra
and I've only actually
played about two games against him in ten years.
And the rumours are that it's because you're actually
frightened of doing that. That's why you've always
moved to Tinsbury Mall. Well, actually, I played
with him down in Canberra and
Gene Molls and Mal were the
Queensland centre combination
at the time and I was sort of trying to crack in
and get a start in there.
And I thought the best way to go about it
was one day down at Seaford Oval, I pushed
him into the goal post, he broke his arm and I got
two years in the state of Argentine. Well done.
Now that is what sport is all about,
young gregal out there. Help your mates out.
But it's not all fun. It's not all the fun
of throwing your head at legs this big.
I mean, it can get serious. You played
half of last year, including that trial we just saw earlier,
with a horrendous groin injury,
which, of course, only happens
if you've got a horrendous groin.
What was it?
Hard to lug around, I tell you.
Someone has to do it.
You should be playing basketball, not rugby league.
Now, what was this injury
and how did it affect you?
Well, I won't go into the complexities of it, but
basically it was tendonitis
of the groin. Overuse.
Overuse.
I actually don't wish to get crude here,
but what is the...
I mean, is it the actual groin or is it muscles in the...
Well, it's in there. It's up in there.
You want to see me scar?
No, not particularly.
People think it's a sex change operation
but I don't know.
How many people are there, Jacko? I don't want to know about that.
Now, obviously that must be an incredibly painful injury.
Well...
Come on, here's a chance to be a hero. Just say yes.
Yeah, it's just annoying, I think.
The worst thing about it was you could...
Once you were warm, you could do it,
you could go all right, but as soon as you cool down
at half time, I used to have to
keep jogging on the spot and
to keep it warm because once you cool down
it just cramps up and basically
you can't run and I used to get a shooting pain
through to my back as well, which is...
No, I can only... So to play on...
Where's that camera? To play on like I did was
quite an heroic effort. Yeah, it was.
We're certainly very impressed.
But it must be...
It must be very hard
for your wife an injury like that and I'm not
meaning to be crude, but it must... I mean, aside
from football, you can't jog on the spot all the time
for your whole life to keep yourself warm.
LAUGHTER
Yeah.
Oh, well, she's got to get away.
All right, well, we won't go into that. Now, Jacko,
Ropey League... She's in the green room, too.
Hi, Siobhan. Ropey League is
not just a game of brute force,
it's a game of skill and I'd like to
put those skills to the test right now.
You're a 5'8", your ball skills are legendary,
according to your CV.
So, would you be prepared to accept
the live and sweaty Pass the Ball Challenge?
Yeah, sure. Roll graphic.
APPLAUSE
CHEERING
APPLAUSE
It's a pretty simple concept. We invited a back
tonight, not a forwarder, I suppose we could have been here all night explaining it.
This is the old Rex competition, wasn't it?
It is the old Rex competition. Who's going to make the big elephant noise?
Well, Rex will, because he's behind there
if you hit his ear.
He'll make the noise, yes.
Pretty hard to miss his ear, wouldn't it? Yeah, actually, the whole thing
is modelled on his ear.
Well, it's a scale version, obviously,
except it's slightly smaller.
OK, Collie. Two each?
You get four. We're going to see if you can get all four.
You're not going to have a go. It's not me against you.
OK, look, I'll have a go. You go first.
Two each, you go. OK, two each.
Peter Jackson, champion footballer.
Good luck.
CHEERING
She's Jack.
CHEERING
That's what happens
when you pass a ball at North City.
LAUGHTER
And he's the playmaker for the team.
Thanks very much, Jacko, for ruining the set. Peter Jackson.
CHEERING
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Oh!
LAUGHTER
I just hit the light.
Well, now it's over to our...
Oh, this is fun. Now it's over...
Now it's over to our political correspondent.
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Shh, shh.
We're here at the office of Phil Cleary, MP for Wales.
Now, security...
We've managed to obey them for a moment.
I just want to quick word with Phil Cleary
about this hulk-eating business, democracy, the whole damn thing.
Come on.
I'm not sure if he knows we're here.
Phil? Andrew Datton, ABC Television.
Don't move. Taxpayers, money or work.
Sit down. Just a second.
You're at work right now and you're dressed like this.
You're a parliamentarian now, Phil.
I'm preparing myself for a very big game on Sunday against Peran.
So I want to get myself psyched up for the day.
So I'm doing a bit of work and psyching up at the same time.
A big... a big game?
We're talking the big issues, Phil.
I mean, what have you done since you came here?
Look at the notepad. Nothing.
Nothing. Nothing at all.
At the front, a shopping list.
Well, I've been looking at hands, son,
reading the paper and finding out what's happening
and I'm getting set for it.
There's a lot of bills going through tonight,
so I've got a lot of careful reading to do here.
What? Sorry? Mm-hm.
No, no. His position on that is definitely no.
Thank you.
Is that my mum again?
Because Phil is the new member for Willow's.
Remember the old one? Oh, what was his name?
The ex-prime minister.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
R.J. Oh, J. Hawke.
I mean, really, this is a rather sad portrait.
This man was robust and good health when I last saw him.
He was cheerful, optimistic.
Mr Deeds goes to Washington and now look at him.
He's smiling, but it's a fixed smile.
It's sort of a rip-dust, basically, here,
and his body's gone a bit flabby.
He's a strong man from COVID, not any more.
How is it, Phil, really? You can tell me.
I think it's what I expected.
I think it's hard work.
It has its moments. Sometimes it's entertaining.
Question time's entertaining.
It's depressing at times because there's massive unemployment.
That's a real worry.
And when you're back in the electorate,
you're going to have a lot of work to do.
But the whole process of democracy,
I mean, have you found yourself swallowed up
or is there still a flicker of the Coburg boy in there?
Oh, I think there's a bit of the Coburg boy still there.
I'm still optimistic that I can do a few things.
We've opened up some debates.
Tariffs are back in the wind.
Good. Hang on a sec.
Yeah, yeah.
No, he'll vote yes for that one. Thank you.
Which bill was that?
Oh, there's the one on tariffs that you were talking about before.
You were voting yes, weren't you?
I'm sorry, I got it wrong.
This is a parliamentarian's office.
Phil doesn't get any different office to anyone else
except the minister, of course. He has a lot more staff.
And this is it. Look around.
As a highly paid parliamentarian,
Phil gets a complete collection of FJ Holden.
We've got OECD economic surveys,
compulsive bedtime reading
because it'll send you to sleep in about a minute flat.
Do you read all of this stuff?
Well, I tell you what, Andrew, what else would you do in Canberra?
There's not a lot of...
I'm not into pornography or anything like that.
That's a bit of big in Canberra, but I'd give that a wide berth.
So what else can I do but read reports like that?
Not into porn, so you haven't read any of the fight back stuff?
That's an exciting tour.
This is it. This is power at work.
This is all our hands are.
Oh, no.
What is lacking is pictures.
You know, it should have a picture of Keating saying
Lick Spittle or something like that.
But here, of course, every parliamentarian obviously
has to know, understand, love and treasure
the laws of the land.
And these are Phil's law books.
There's all laws and statutes governing Australia.
Now, this is interesting.
In here, this is what?
More files.
Oh, where are the files?
Oh, in here.
We're just building them up.
It's a pretty heady example of power at work here
in Phil Cleary's office.
Phil, I am a bit worried about you.
Wait here just one second.
Mate, I think what you need
is a good kick around of the ball.
Right here, right now. You ready?
OK.
Just loosen up. Get the feel of it back again.
A bit of body contact, Phil. Come on.
Oh, the man.
I'm not a good body.
Taxpayers money at work.
You've been visiting Phil Cleary in his office.
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Ah!
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I don't know. I worry about the parliamentary process sometimes, don't you?
Still, I know Phil will be watching tonight.
In fact, he'll probably be changed into his corduroy bodysuit,
smeared himself with the walrus fat,
ready to go as we welcome back
with his fantastic band, Diesel.
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I hear some heartless beer and trade
And all the promises we've made
Happy roses and wine
If I could see you one more time
I'd like to see you one more time
One more time before you leave
But then I ought to stay
Just how much I love you
If I leave you behind
If I could see you one more time
For sure that you'd be mine
If I could see you one more time
Happy roses and wine
If I could see you one more time
One more time before you leave
Happy roses and wine
Excuse me, big boy, have you got a light?
Yes, will you please welcome a man who's been invited on this show for three crucial reasons.
One, he's very funny. Two, he has a red belt and karate. And three, he had the good taste and good sense to turn down Darren Hinch because he can't stand the man.
Steady Eddie.
It's a nice act, Eddie. Where did you get the idea for cerebral palsy?
I thought I was broke all the time, you know, so actually I haven't got cerebral palsy. I threw myself in front of a car.
Now that's more dedication than Peter Jackson. I'm impressed.
Truth be told, you have got cerebral palsy. What exactly is it?
It affects the coordination system, which basically means my body does one thing and my brain does the other, which presents a bit of a problem when it comes to sex.
I can believe that. What's even worse is when your body does one thing and the other person's body does another. That's a problem too.
Do people mistake physical incapacity for mental incapacity?
All the time, mate. Because you've got a bent body, they think you must be a real idiot.
They always patronise you. They speak like, hello, darling, how are you? It's like, get away from me.
Out, Satan.
What about your actor? Do people find that tasteless?
I don't think tasteless. I think they're a bit shocked, you know, within the first couple of jokes. And by the time I finish my act, they seem to get into it.
Do people actually think you're putting it on? Has anybody ever accused you of that?
Actually, I got heckled at Miranda RSL by a cerebral folding blake. I just did a really kick-ass punchline and this guy yelled out, hey, mate, you're not really disabled.
And I just went, no. You know, I can't put on a thing like this, you know.
Did you get to explain to him after the show that you're the real
Yeah, we did the secret handshake.
How does that cut?
I just can't do it, I'm afraid. What about you? I mean, what do you consider tasteless? Do you have a boundary?
I haven't found it yet.
Haven't? Look around the set. That's pretty tasteless. I mean, maybe this is as far as you'd like to go.
I was thinking more of you football jumper, mate.
Normally in a situation like this I would come back with a very ugly reply, but I'm not going to do that because you happen to be a red belt in karate. Why did you take up karate?
I just don't understand correctly. No, I mean, Bruce Lee is not a sufficient reason to take up anything.
I'd like to also improve your coordination, which I thought was a very good idea for me.
With your balance, I would have thought karate would be quite difficult because there's a lot of leg kicks and things.
So you're not that fearsome?
No, not that fearsome.
So I can say whatever I like to you.