Alright, troops, settle up. The State Commission on Human Resources informs me that it is time once again for the annual employee performance evaluations.
I quote, this year each employee will complete their own...
Each employee will complete their own performance evaluations, then compare their assessments to their supervisors.
One gets the impression the State Commission on Human Resources is a bunch of potheads.
So, you go over our answers with us to see if they match yours?
Hey, that's just like the newlywed game.
Right, right. Ladies, for ten points, what will your boss say is the naughtiest sounding legal term?
Bob, Bob, I know him and I think he's probably going to say hung jury, but I'm going to have to go with penal code.
Well, gee, you're all swell contestants, but shut up.
While these evaluations may seem trivial, they are in fact quite important.
Please make your answers brief and to the point, and kindly spare me your usual poppycock, balderdash, and arglebargle.
Gee, most men like my arglebargle.
These evaluations...
Oh, come on, Dee Dee. There's nothing to an essay question. You know, I used to major in philosophy in college. There's a darn good reason they gave me a BS.
Hunter's right. Boy, that felt strange.
Well, you know what? I just have to crack open my thesaurus and come up with a hundred different words for dazzling.
Although, that might be just exactly what they expect us to do.
See, maybe the thing to do is to lowball yourself and then they'll be impressed with your humility.
You think?
Nah, I'm being paranoid. You do it your way. You'll be great.
Well, that ought to keep them up for a night or two.
Oh, come on, Ma. You deserve a vacation. Look at this. You got Europe, Hawaii. Oh, look at this. Look at this.
Winter break in Cancun. There's wet t-shirt contests, beer guzzling. Oh, look at this. Naked volleyball. You always like volleyball.
I don't feel right about taking a vacation now. How can I relax knowing I've been downsized?
Downsized? What is that? You put 20 years of your life into that office and they canned you like a sardine.
Don't you dare let them get away with that euthanistic PC crap downsizing. Like, that's supposed to make you feel any better.
Actually, it did make me feel better. Thank you.
Come on, Ma. You know if you need us, Kevin and I will take care of you.
That's very sweet. Let's get real.
What am I going to do? I ran out of money when I'm 80. With my luck, I'll probably live to be 100.
Told you not to quit smoking.
Hey, Elise. Hey, honey. Hi, darling. Hi, Con. So, guess who was in the paper today?
Those two prudish pandas who keep refusing to do it?
No, in the sports section. Fred Nitschke. Really? What's a Fred Nitschke?
Fred Nitschke. Kevin's old coach. Remember, Ma? Remember the one who made the toast at our wedding to Kevin's parents?
You're not losing a son, you're gaining a mouthy broad with a hell of a rack.
You guys are who? Yeah, well.
Anyway, Fred has been named Athletic Director at Maryland State. They're going to be reinstating the program this fall.
They're going to need a new basketball coach. Wait a minute. You're a basketball coach.
That's right, I am. You two think you're so funny. Steve Allen was funny.
I really want this job, Lisa. Maryland State. That's a Division One school.
I'm so sick of being in Division Three. We're so small-time. Our players are lousy. Our cheerleader is one ugly dude.
Hey, you know what we should do? We should have Fred over for dinner, huh?
I'll ply him with wine and lasagna and you can sell yourself on the job. Good idea?
And to clinch the deal, I'll challenge him to a game of naked volleyball.
Hey, Lyndon. See how this sounds? My performance in the courtroom has been satisfactory. Too full of myself.
I'm going with Hunter's idea. I'm going to sell myself short on all my answers.
Then Nash will have no choice but to tell me I'm wrong.
Get a load of this. My trial work has been inconsistent and I have virtually no people skills.
See? Always thinking.
Hey, guys.
Hi.
Hello.
Hi. Miss Hunter, I was wondering if you could help me with my evaluation.
Sure. I think you're helpful, thoughtful, resourceful.
Yeah. I need a rhyme for Xerox.
Chickenpox?
Beauty.
Beauty.
Well, I think Matt likes me.
Good afternoon. I trust we enjoyed our lunch hour. Please don't respond.
Catering your next trial, Hunter. Ha, ha, ha. Evaluation is due tomorrow. Onward justice.
Yeah, I think that'll fit.
Can you get me my desk?
Gryphon's asleep.
Okay, thanks. Ma, what are you doing? You're going to the mall, not Ice Station Zebra.
It's flow season.
Oh, gee, already? Seems like just yesterday we took down all the flu decorations.
Nana, can we go now? I'm getting dizzy.
Sure.
Thanks for taking her, Ma. Appreciate it.
Oh, don't be silly. What else have I got to do?
I got no job to get up for. No one invited me to a dinner party.
Okay, bye-bye. Thanks a lot.
Be a good girl, honey. Okay? You do what Nana tells you to do.
Oh, wait a minute. Uh-uh. You're not wearing that.
This is how you dress to get a job. Go upstairs and put a coat and tie on.
For Fred? We're going to be lucky if the guy's wearing pants.
Gee, I hope he keeps his napkin in his lap.
I just want to make sure we do anything and everything we can to make this happen, you know?
Lisa, I really appreciate what you're trying to do, but this is my job. I've got to get it myself.
Okay, fine. I'll be the good little Stepford wife. We'll do everything your way.
But change that crummy sweatshirt. Okay, last thing. That was it. I'm done.
Hey, hey, hey. The sweatshirt's fine.
Hey, hey, Kevin.
Fred, you're early. I haven't changed.
It's my fault. I forgot to lay out your tweed blazer and blue shirt.
Thanks, Fred.
It's a hell of a spread you lay out now.
Thank you, Fred. Cherry pie. Hope the crust is just the way you like it. Nice and flaky, Dumpling.
Anyway, Fred, I've got to congratulate you on this athletic director thing. You are exactly what Maryland State needs.
Kevin, are we going to get down to the nitty-gritty or are you going to keep blowing smoke up my can?
Ooh, I just love listening in on guy talk. Coffee, tea, or me?
You've got to train pretty good, huh, Coach?
So, you're going to be looking for a new head coach?
Oh, you got that right. What I need is an animal. A ferocious recruiter.
More coffee, tiger.
He's also got to help out with the fundraising. All those responsibilities.
And the spouse has got to be at all the school functions. Alumni dinners, all that crap.
Well, Fred, crap is my middle name.
You're killing me.
My coach has also got to be willing to travel a lot.
Kevin loves to travel. How much travel is a lot?
Exactly.
Well, whatever it takes to find the best players. You know, 15, 20 weeks a year.
Isn't that nice?
Coach, I got to tell you, I am the man for the job.
Well, Kevin, I figure that's why you called. I want you to have this job.
Hoo-ah!
But I got to warn you, you're going to be a tough sell for the boys upstairs.
Well, you let me at him, Fred. Boys upstairs is my middle name.
I thought crap was your middle name.
It's boys upstairs hyphen crap. We're a Spanish family.
Coach, I want this job. You just tell me what I got to do to close the deal.
The president of the university is in New York at some egghead conference.
Now, why don't we go up there and give him the hard sell for a couple of days.
Now, I got to warn you, he's looking for a guy who's been to a conference championship.
I've been to a conference championship. My seat sucked.
Now, there's a commuter flight to New York leaving at 10 tonight, but we got to go right now.
Got to go right now is my middle name.
Actually, it is.
I'm going to go pack.
Now, you're cool with this, right?
Oh, yeah. Go get your job.
Great. Well, thanks for the eat, style face.
Oh, Fred, any time.
Didn't you used to wear tighter clothes?
Didn't you used to have warmer hands?
How'd it go?
It went great. Kevin and Fred are on their way to New York to meet with the university president.
Oh, my God. He's going to leave you all alone? What are you going to do?
Gee, I don't know, Mom. Maybe I'll read a book, take a long bath, not watch Sports Center.
How will I ever get by?
I could never sleep alone.
After your father made sergeant and got the night desk,
I was afraid that all the killers he ever put away would band together, sneak into the house,
fall into my bedroom, and stab me in my bed.
Honey, wake up. Nana has a bedtime story.
Maybe I should stay here while Kevin is gone.
Oh, thanks, Mom. I'll take my chances with the killers.
Honey, I think I hear a noise.
That's okay, sugar puss. I'll just get my shotgun.
Mommy, what are you doing?
Playing.
What are you doing?
I went to the bathroom.
Well, you want to get in bed with Mommy and watch TV?
Okay.
When's Daddy coming home?
Friday night.
How come he has to get a new job?
Because it would be a really great job for Daddy. It's a job he always wanted.
Just like I wanted to be a lawyer and you always wanted to be a dolphin.
That would be so cool. I could swim all day.
You have to breathe through a hole in the top of your head, you know.
Like Grand Uncle Max?
No, that's a hole in his throat. Don't smoke.
In just eight minutes a day, you too can have rock hard, perfect abs, just like Pam and Kiana.
We hate Pam.
Kiana's okay. She's got fat legs.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
I just got the worst evaluation of my career.
Oh, come on, Linden. You didn't buy that lobe balling thing. I was joking.
Of course you didn't.
I saw through your feeble little head games. I went back to my strength.
A hundred different words for dazzling.
Then Nash told me that my trial work was inconsistent and that I have virtually no people skills.
So how did yours go, Dee Dee?
Well, um, Mr. Nash thinks that I would make an excellent judge.
But doesn't he think all judges are butt wipes?
Oh? Does he?
Does he really?
What is that?
Max's evaluation. He set it to music.
No kidding. I'm doing interpretive dance.
Max's evaluation. He set it to music.
Thanks. You've been a great audience.
That rocked.
Free Bird!
Oh, Hunter. You're late. Please, your evaluation.
Well, at first glance I notice your evaluation is not only incomplete, but covered with mustard.
Yeah, I'm sorry. I was making sandwiches in the car.
Isn't it a matter of public record you promised your family wouldn't affect your job?
Well, yes, but...
Isn't it also true that that's precisely what's happened?
No, my evaluation was not affected in any way by my family.
Do you really expect us to believe that?
Us?
So it's a matter of coincidence then that you didn't finish your evaluation and you found yourself making sandwiches on the highway.
Oh, surface streets. Making sandwiches on the highway. That's just nuts.
And I'm certain you'll have no trouble at all explaining why this is yellow American mustard.
The clear preference of school children everywhere as opposed to spicy brown or a tangy Dijon.
Doesn't your daughter have these sandwiches in her lunch bucket even as we speak?
Okay, fine, Mr. Nash, you caught me, okay? I didn't have time to finish my evaluation this morning.
My mom was yakking at me on the phone and Kevin's gone off to New York to land some huge big job and I made sandwiches in the car, alright?
So for once I let my priorities get out of whack for a tiny little second.
I'm sorry, I was recklessly feeding my daughter with malice aforethought.
Oh, so Kevin's up for a new job.
Yeah, head coach at Maryland State.
Sounds wonderful. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also sounds time consuming.
The kind of job that could even add even more pressure to an already overburdened family life.
Maybe. I don't know that much about sports. Can I have a glass of water?
And now you tell me that Kevin might be the head of a new college basketball program and that you don't know if it'll affect you?
Come on, Miss Hunter, something stinks.
That would be the baloney in my purse, sir.
I think we all know where the baloney is.
What do you want from me, Mr. Nash?
I want the truth.
You can't handle the truth.
The truth is, of course I'm terrified that Kevin's going to get this new job, but I can't tell him that.
How can I tell the man that stood by me when I was in law school, you can't have the job you want?
This is the man who, when I was too tired to study for contract exams because tests was up all night with the crew, he said, yes, you can do it, and you will do it.
And I want to do the same thing for him.
And of course I'm worried about what's going to happen to us if this happens.
And I don't want to be worried, but I don't want to be selfish.
And I don't want to be worried that I am selfish.
Okay, so there, fine, you caught me, take me away, the glove fits!
Hey!
I didn't mean to startle you.
That's okay, you didn't.
So you're back early, what happened?
Oh, I...
Oh, what honey?
Got it.
You got it?
Got it.
You got it?
Oh my God, you got it!
You got it, oh you, that is so amazing, you are so amazing, oh my God, you're, that is so, yes!
Congratulations, that's just incredible, that's...
You okay?
I'm having a panic attack.
A panic attack? My heart's going a million miles a minute.
Oh, whoa, come here, sit down, sit down.
Okay, put your legs between your head.
You know what I mean.
I'm sorry honey, I'm thrilled for you, really, I'm thrilled.
It's okay, it's okay, just take some deep breaths, count to ten.
I don't have time to count to ten, I got eight minutes to get ready for work and get the kids to school.
We better get used to this, this is what our life is going to look like from now on, honey.
Lisa, I'm here, I'll take Tess to school, okay?
I am so unbelievably proud of you, you are a division one coach, man, yes!
Okay, good, I'm having a little trouble keeping up here.
That is so incredible, Kevin, God!
Okay, so you're alright now?
Yeah, I'm just, oh God!
Good, alright, by the way, I gotta go to Chicago next week for an NC2A conference.
Honey, honey, I don't like this ride, honey.
Listen, I was thinking maybe we should get you some help.
I don't have time to see a psychiatrist.
No, I meant help around the house with the kids.
Oh, we can't afford to pay a psychiatrist to watch the kids, what are you stupid?
We could hire babies that are maybe.
Yeah, that's a good point, I should have thought of that.
Honey, do you realize we finally have the jobs we've always wanted?
This is what we've worked for our whole lives, honey, we're here.
We're here.
This sucks.
Couldn't have gotten here without you.
I couldn't have gotten here without you, honey.
I hate you.
I hate you too.
We've talked it over and we think that you'll find that this is a fair figure for full-time child care.
Just a starting salary, you understand.
Hmm, I had a different figure in mind.
Oh, what did I just fall off the turnip truck yesterday?
Come on, hit the bricks.
Negotiating tactic, back me up.
Connie, you're hired.
Wonderful, I can't start till week after next.
Why?
I'm going to Cancun.