Tonight's Good News Weekend is rated M for mature audiences and contains material which may offend.
Dad are you dead?
I was down the stock exchange buying stuff and someone said you were dead and then I couldn't buy as much stuff.
Do I look like the dead boy? Do I bloody look like the bloody dead? Do I bloody look like the bloody dead?
No Dad I've never seen the dead.
You saw Wayne Martin when he threatened to go to seven didn't you?
There are two things you need to know about the dead boy. They can't move and they can't talk.
What about zombies Dad? Zombies can move and they're dead. Maybe you're a zombie walking the earth and buying stuff.
I'm talking boy zombies can't bloody talk. They're only a zombie if they're moving and not talking.
What does it mean if they can talk but can't move?
I've signed a contract with Channel 9.
Welcome to Good News Weekend.
I love this country and I want this country to be great but it isn't. It's a slow country. It's a weak country.
We've been losers for too long and it's time to do something about it.
We can be winners people. We can be better, stronger, faster and there's a very simple way to achieve it. Drugs.
As we curse the rest of the world for their heinous criminal unsportsmanlike behaviour in taking performance enhancing drugs,
I want to see all our athletes weeing big meaty chunks of testosterone into a cup.
Samantha Riley, who cares if she's popped 57 quadra washed down with a bottle of Benadryl Expectrant if it means gold, gold, gold for Australia.
And Scotty Miller, does his enjoyment of the occasional jazz cigarette matter if he gets half way down the pool before the race actually starts?
More power to him. Eckart Arbae. So he manufactured East German female swimmers with scrotums the size of house bricks.
So what if they were one, two, three on the podium?
We should be embracing this wonderful opportunity but no, no. They even want to test the Australian cricket team. Well get over it.
From what we know of their habits, Shane Warne's drug of choice is a Mars bar pizza.
And just this week Newcastle Rugby League stars Robbie O Davis and Wayne Richards were suspended for 22 weeks for taking steroids.
22 weeks. This ban is wrong. It's unfair to give a player more weeks suspension than he can count up to.
Nah, 20 would have been alright, you know, if he took his shoes and socks off.
But 22 is just plain cruel. O Davis says he didn't consider himself a drugs cheat.
It was a complete surprise when he woke up one morning and found the steroid ferrier turned him into a great hulking monster.
With the loss of two key players, Newcastle need to speed up their back line. I hear Dean Cappabianco is free.
Steroid abuse has been an integral part of sport forever. We've always had athletes who were built like brick shithouses without the building approval.
I mean it's so hard to know what's safe and what isn't these days when there's even a banned substance in some breakfast cereals.
And really how are athletes expected to know there's something dodgy in deliciously enhancing steroid pops now with new non-testicle shrinking formula.
How would they know that?
I couldn't agree with you more mate.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Mikey Robbins.
There he is.
Hello.
Hello.
I reckon we've gotten really nandy-pandy about drugs.
When I was playing under-eight, under-eight, front row forward, for the game, there they'd be shoveling the steroids in.
Shoveling the steroids in.
Shoveling the steroids in.
Just like those troubles bulk up a bit.
Well it certainly helped you hasn't it? When's it going to stop working?
I mean I can't mate. I'm an athlete. I was a sportsman.
He's a sportsman. Look at that, he's a sportsman ladies and gentlemen.
He's a sportsman. Now I think what we've got in this country, we've got the year 2000 coming up, we've got two great things in this country.
Great scientists and great athletes.
CSIRO.
Let's bring the two together.
You know, if we want to go for gold, the only problem is rigorous drug tests.
So what I'm calling on is for every patriotic Australian to do their duty.
Exactly.
You know what you mean? We're going to need something very special from all of you for our athletes.
And what's your body like mate?
I'm a temple.
Dark and seldom visited.
Thank you Paul, thank you.
What about you?
I'm clean and I'm full.
Well, shall we do the right thing by Australia?
Let's go for gold.
Yes ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen, we want red-blooded sports loving Australians everywhere to drink your bath water, suck your garden hoses dry, and then use your body as your tool.
Fill up empty Vegemite jars with clean specimens and mail them directly to that inspirational sports administrator, Arthur Tunstall.
Come the year 2000 Olympics, we'll piss it in.
We're making something out of nothing.
With all our mind and all our heart.
You don't really have a heart.
You just want to come around here.
You just want to come around here.
Take things over.
You just want to come around here.
Take things over.
Call yourself a businessman.
Parasite, parasite, parasite, parasite.
You're the kind who sell your mother.
Always looking around for something you can't believe in.
You can't fail, you got faith for sale.
And there's money in stealing other people's dreams.
You don't really have a dream of your own.
You just want to come around here.
You just want to shake my hand.
Make me over.
Telling me that you really understand.
Parasite, parasite, parasite, parasite.
When you turn your face to me.
You can't hide what's in your eyes.
And I can see.
You're just a greedy little operator.
Always trying to tell me there's some deep desire we share.
When all you've got is just one desire.
You just want to come around here.
You just want to shake my hand.
You just want to take what I can't give.
You just want to take what I can't give.
And then sell me out.
Sell me out.
Sell me out.
Sell me out.
Parasite, parasite, parasite.
You're a parasite.
With your winning smile.
And your gung-ho style.
And your fragile ego.
And your one track mind.
But you see I'm wild.
I got wild to you now.
And I start running.
Every time I see you coming.
I'd like to demonstrate one of my attention seeking devices for you now called the pterodactyl.
The pterodactyl is perfect for when you meet someone for the first time.
Or in a job interview situation.
Or in a job interview situation.
Or in a job interview situation.
Or in a job interview situation.
Or in a job interview situation.
Which I'd like to demonstrate for you now.
I'll play the part of the manager and myself.
Because I'm good at playing characters.
Hello? Mr Sandman? That's the manager.
Yes? That's me.
So you're here about the metallurgist position are you?
Yes? Oh let's just check your credentials then.
Oh I see you failed the HSC four times.
Straight away he's forgotten about those four HSC results.
The end.
Thank you good evening. Tonight for your consideration a man with a dark past, Mikey Robbins.
Actress, singer, husky voice, dentist, Zoe Karidis.
And clean living baby faced Anthony Morgan.
The woman with an outfit for every occasion Julie McCrossan.
There's that outfit. Singer of the Wild Witch of the West, Fiona Horn.
And a man who really knows how to make an exit, Peter Burner.
Oh very nice memories there ladies and gentlemen. Very nice.
I'm just glad I managed to escape that.
It's funny working on Swiggles, the first time I was ever romantically linked with another star of the show.
Steam shovel. Mikey and Bill steam shovel having a lovely time.
He was a dancer.
Okay let's start.
It was always my favourite.
Hurry up.
Yeah and that's really bad to hear in the bedroom too.
I don't mind.
Well let's start the show Mikey, Zoe, Anthony. This is the modern world.
Here is a song about an alien land.
A rock pushy.
Satan, Satan.
Adriana.
I'm sure I'm related to her somehow. I'm not really, she's great.
Well Xenity does mean person who can spin letter.
I think Adriana is the, she's the royalty.
She's the regal family of people who are just hanging around with guys who are on quiz shows.
Ladies and gentlemen let's hear it for The Sentence. Come on.
Mikey, have you got to go home now?
No we've got a full hour of fun.
Mikey though have you caught catchphrase, the quiz show for people too dumb to go on Wheel of Fortune.
It's actually a British story. There was a game show in Britain that was giving away spam as like.
No.
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah, Wheel of Spam.
As a big prize.
As a booby prize.
As a booby prize.
I won't have, I won't bloody have spam relegated to the booby prize.
You love spam, you love it.
Spam is the backbone of this nation.
Actually that's what it's made of, the backbone of the pig.
That was the.
What about the three guys?
Well that was teenage fan club right and a lot of them were people like Anthony, people who were, they're known as the fans of spam.
And they've started picketing the show demanding that spam be treated more respectful.
Exactly because this country rides on spam's back.
But isn't that a British product?
Exactly.
Good point Johnny.
Is there anything more to say about that?
It's made here from our own pig's nipples and carnel.
You can make three quarter pounder burgers if you only carve it like that.
That's a spam burger, spam burger, spam burger, spam burger.
Oh that's what I meant, what I meant, what I meant, what I meant.
I'm going to give you four points.
I'm going to give you four points.
In Britain lovers of that real spiced ham delicacy spam have formed the spam fan club.
Spam lovers decided to start the club after a TV game show began handing out tins of spam as booby prizes.
But it's not the first time game show contestants have gone home with second rate meat.
Who could forget perfect match?
Thank you, thank you.
We will sing to the death.
When you join the spam club you get a CD by Wham with the W and H crossed out and SP written on top of it.
A recipe book, 101 things to do with spam, 102 if you're prepared to eat it.
And a range of spiced ham based cleaning products called spam wave.
There's also a spam website featuring spam art like paintings and sculpture.
Imagine the spam chat room, what colour is your spam?
Pink, mine's pink too.
Every meeting of the spam club is opened with a small key attached to the bottom.
It just shows how far you are away from the modern spam.
Tins of spam? Well that's what's wrong with this world Morgan.
That's what I like with this world.
Anthony how do you get into a tin of spam in the late 90s?
You're talking about how I get in? I get in with my teeth and nails.
Because I love it.
There you heard it there ladies, if you want your children to grow up like Anthony Morgan.
Feet in spam, Julie.
Julie, Fiona, Peter, some news from the modern world for you.
What is it?
Every day I write the book.
Charter? Chapter. Oh chapter of a book.
A lot of males. That's all the males.
I'm John Howard. John Howard go bye bye.
What is the story? Well it's all about the male that turns up at my place.
It's addressed to the people that used to live there.
No I don't think so. No it's not.
Maybe that's a personal drive. Personal grievance there.
This is sort of a law and order story. As so many states of our country go to election time.
They often turn to law and order. And I think this is about a man in America who's got the never ending sentence.
A guy who's never ever going to get out. A uni bomber.
Theodore Kuzinski is never going to get out of prison.
But in that truly American fashion he's going to sell his life story for millions of dollars.
So little kiddies all around America think, well let's mail something explosive to someone and I can be famous too.
And I think, good on you.
He's trying to push for it but even in the land of self promotion there's a little bit of nervousness about a man who's killed so many people making a buck.
But he's endeavouring to write his book.
He's endeavouring to write a book about his ex-girlfriend.
Spam man's got something to say. Yes spam.
I'm confused by if you sell your book while you're in prison and you get millions of dollars. Yes.
What are you going to buy? Spam!
I sell by yourself if you're smart.
Chances are the book will go out mail order and he won't sell any.
Five points!
Why do they get one more point? Because I like them more at the moment.
I could change over the course of the night. I like you people more.
It's a mood thing. It's a mood thing. It's arbitrary power.
It's a pathetic power game. Yeah I'm just loaning.
Let's get on with the game.
In America the Unabomber Ted Kaczynski is trying to interest publishers in a book about his case.
Unfortunately Ted hasn't had any takers yet possibly because he's been sending his proposal in the mail.
The alleged bomber says the book will be hard to put down particularly for those who picked up one of his earlier works.
It contains a wealth of previously unknown Unabomber detail.
The unsuccessful early years experimenting with faxing bombs.
The unsuccessful later years when he tried email.
But don't you think it's weird that the Unabomber is still allowed to post letters?
I mean if they really want to punish him they should put him somewhere where he doesn't have access to mail services.
Like rural Australia.
And at the moment we're looking at four for Mikey's team and five for the other team.
It's weird, it's crazy but it's going on now.
I am sick and tired of these sensitive new age men.
So much so that I have formed my own anti-mens group, mens group, called mongrel.
Men offended by new age goody goody ratbag effeminate losers.
Get out of here mongrel, get out of here mongrel.
They make me so angry those people, I can hardly get a word out.
Richmond.
Damn, wrong word.
To kick start round two, come on feel the noise.
Zoe and Anthony will imitate the introductions to three well known songs using only sounds.
Two points.
Don't laugh yet, be the burner.
Yes don't laugh yet because the big laughs are coming very shortly.
Two points for every song Mikey can make through out the noise.
Here we go.
Can we know what the songs are?
There you go.
Can I have a look?
Making sense?
Ok.
Notice the token, you did the beginning.
Let's not fight.
Ready set.
Oh yeah I'm glad I'm just enjoying it.
I'm so sure of it, how's that?
You got it ladies and gentlemen, two points.
I don't even remember Daryl doing that.
He's got too much spray in his hand.
Next song.
Ok, that's good.
No that's not the bass line.
No that's the drum beat.
Oh that's the drum beat.
My team is falling apart, this is good.
There is a bass line, that's what I'm talking about.
This is just like a cabinet meeting.
Fantastic teamwork ladies and gentlemen.
It's Madonna material girl.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That's a little bit like some bizarre lap dancing place.
Do, do, do, do.
You're not exactly working a musical master here are you?
This is a stroke of luck.
Have a drink, have a drink.
Stop it.
Is that the intro?
I have no idea.
Do, do, do, do.
Oh, oh, I'm, I'm, why not?
Do, do, do, do.
Breaking goes to Hollywood, relax.
Relax, don't do it.
Remind him.
I'm in.
I'm in.
I got 94 points there.
Oh no way.
Next song is How's That Sherbet, Madonna's Material Girl and Relax, Breaking Goes to Hollywood.
Relax has got one bass note throughout the entire song and there is some sort of tootling.
And that's not in the beginning Paul.
Infernal tootling.
I'm sorry we gave you such a hard one but the lion back there groaning to yourself doesn't exactly give me anything to go on.
It's mime.
Relax, go to it when you want to come.
Who got it?
Can anyone get what you're doing?
I got it.
That's why I sat on him.
Wouldn't I?
And moving on now, ancient Hollywood legend, Ja Ja Gabor is coming to Melbourne to promote her latest career move, a dance song called Relax.
And no thank God it's not the one they just did.
And I'm sorry but Ja Ja sounds like a giant panda name to me.
Although I hear she's made it in captivity a lot more often.
Sadly as often happens with dance tracks the video for the song will feature someone younger and better looking miming the vocal, Margaret Scott.
Ja Ja of course keeps her real age a closely guarded secret but it's easy enough to work it out.
You just count the rows of stitching behind her ears and multiply by ten.
Okay brave enough to feel the noise Mr. Burner?
I believe so.
Here we go.
Let's see what you've got.
Try and do a bit better than that.
Alright.
You start me off on the...
Boom ba cha, boom ba cha, boom ba cha, boom ba cha, boom ba cha.
Da da da da da da da da da da da da.
Boom ba cha, boom ba cha, boom ba cha, boom ba cha.
Wait wait, come on let's do it.
Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Right, you all leave, you all leave.
Please don't go.
That's what it's about.
That's what it's about.
That's what you're all about.
Okay, that's your linear key checked shirt.
That's on a five.
Fetch, you're all male sexuality.
Da da da da da da da da.
Fresh spring, three born in the USA.
Oh wow.
Okay.
Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do.
Don't leave your eyes on the melody.
Na na na na.
Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah, my sticks.
Compete again.
Six points.
We are the winners.
Six points.
We are the winners.
That's how it's done.
That is how it's done.
Hey.
Hey.
I'll take you on.
I don't have any musical talent, there's no worry about it.
I challenge anybody to listen to those six songs and pick the three with some sort of melody.
The songs were, as we found out, Baby Please Don't Go, Them, Bruce Springsteen, Born in the USA, and Computer Games, My Sex.
Take a moment.
We are the winners.
The music industry is panicking at the moment because kids, teenagers and 20-somethings have stopped buying CDs in favour of TV and computer games.
So the industry is fighting back by putting the soundtracks from your favourite games on CD.
Happily, the old folks haven't been forgotten either, with Smokey Dawson composing a soundtrack for the new senior's computer game, Incontinence Racer.
You have to get Grandpa through the corridors through the toilet just in time.
While there is a market for popular music on computer games, surely there's also a market for a game where you hunt down and kill Michael Bolton.
And the scores at this point in the game, Mikey Robbins and a musical team are sitting on eight big points.
While the McCrossens with their musical superiority are sitting on eleven big fat points.
Hello. You can tell a lot about a person from the style of car they drive.
I drive a blue Gemini SL with blonde corduroy upholstery.
The Gemini is the perfect vehicle for an insignificant person.
Every time you go to overtake something, you realise you haven't got enough power.
And you go back to where you started. The end.
Idiot Box is the name of the game. Three TV themes arranged by our very own Get Blies. Two points for each correct show.
Okay, Zoe. Are you ready?
Go, this could be good.
Take it away, boys.
Get Blies. That's relaxed. Bring you guys to Hollywood.
Young ones.
Okay, that's it ladies and gentlemen. Do you have those three TV themes?
I've got the last one.
Okay, we've got the third one. The young ones.
What did we say?
Mary Tyler Moore Show.
And Mox.
Here Come The Brides.
I will give you a couple of extra points if you can sing the words for the Mary Tyler Moore Show.
She's gonna make it after all.
I think it's four of the words.
It's gonna be fine.
The hottest program on Moscow television at the moment is a game show called Interception. Contestants try to escape pursuing police in a stolen vehicle.
If you can evade the cops for 35 minutes, you get to win the car.
And it's harder than it sounds. There aren't many Russian cars that last for 35 minutes.
If you do win, you can take the car and leave the show or come back the next night.
You get a ski mask, machine gun and armored car timetable and you can go for the big cash jackpot.
Losing contestants either get a crappy board game and a beetroot memento of the show or fall from wreckage wrapped around a telegraph pole.
Julie, all set to take on Idiot Box.
With my tremendous support team, Paul McDermott, yes.
Okay, off you go lads.
Easy, easy. Got it, got it. We've got it.
Oh, nothing.
Oh, there it is.
Take it easy.
Shut up.
Get on down, stop fighting.
Oh, easy.
Easy, easy.
Alright, we're fine. We'll be at the funeral. Take care of yourself.
Paul, Paul, Paul.
How do we love with you?
Welcome back, Paul.
Thank you. Welcome back, Cotter. I can't give you any pause for that collusion.
I'm sorry, I'm 43 years old. What is this program?
I'm blind.
Julie, I was on 20 years ago.
You've got to watch that.
Oh my god. It's only the highest rating show that was on during your prime television right here.
And it's only on now.
Oh, I see. Well, I'm Spanish for watching my own station.
What do you want them to do? Play the theme to Bellberg three times?
Okay, can we not fight please?
Pick on me.
It's because I'm winning the musical bet.
Alright, so you did okay then. Thank you very much. You're settled back now for a second. Let's just move on.
The Adams family, and we're prepared to put light bulbs in our ears and make them go on for extra points.
I'll go one better.
That's funny.
Thank you very much. Four points at the end of that round for the Mock Rotten team.
And of course they were welcome back, Cotter, which everyone in the audience knew.
Thank you for telling us.
Can you say it louder?
Yes, thank you. By the way, you're not in the show.
And of course the Bugs Bunny Show, another great moment in Australian advertising this week,
when the Catholic Church branded a new sizzler TV commercial, Blasphemous.
Let's have a look at it.
G'day. What's going on?
There's a fella who's turning two fish and five loaves into thousands.
An illusionist? How about some prawns and scallops?
Or a big juicy steak with a Greek salad?
And make that a Caesar salad and lobster pasta.
And do that water into wine thing.
Who does he think he is? A sizzler?
You'll please the whole crowd at Sizzler.
I just can't wait till the Church sees the rest of the sizzler campaign.
In one ad, the manger is full, so baby Jesus is born in the salad bar.
And instead of gold, frankincense and myrrh, the three wise men bring a plate, tongs and a selection of condiments.
There's another commercial for the All You Can Eat buffet, in which Christ cures some ham.
Bam!
Thank you for being there for me. There's also one I think, the Burger King of Kings.
And... thank you. And in the last of the series, the Son of God actually gives Sizzler a plug from the cross.
And in the subtle advertising ploy, the two thieves on either side of him are Colonel Sanders and Ronald McDonald.
Beautiful!
Something about the Last Supper.
The Last Supper!
Oh, you'd want to get the Last Supper!
Take this garlic prawn and eat of it! It is the garlic prawn of the everlasting covenant.
Excuse me, Jesus, I didn't have an entree!
Okay, at the moment, we're sitting pretty with both teams on a nice 15 points.
Very nice, very happy.
That must be grating on you to know that we did well with the band.
Yeah, you did great with the band, fantastic.
Well, you know, just with live music, because we all know that the band's in here because you'd like to sing a song with them.
How obvious is it? This show is just exactly the same as the other bloody show, except it's got a band on it so you can sing one of your putrid songs.
I think the public agrees with you.
Okay, look. And I think the public would like just a chance to see someone else sing a song with the band, just in case.
Paul, I'm not saying anything against your singing, but what if you were to meet with a horrible accident?
Well, that's unlikely to happen, but all the same, anyone, anyone who wants to sing with the band, I mean, Fiona's got a beautiful, you could sing with the band.
Fiona's a singer, I mean, how could you?
What do you want? You don't mind if we get up and do a number.
Exactly, but they've all got jobs.
Do you know any songs? Do you know any songs?
What's up, some guy with no job?
Anthony, do you want to sing a song with me?
Oh, come on, oh, okay.
Oh, come on.
I love your songs, John.
What are you going to sing, Mr. Morgan?
You boys like hillbilly music?
Nope.
That's a bit of bad luck.
What do you, you got a harmonica? What key is that in?
C.
Okay, we're planning C, that's this sort of shape, isn't it?
That's the one.
Okay.
Oh, I'm showing up in here.
Hey.
I met a little girl in Knoxville town.
We all know well.
Every Sunday evening out in her own high dwell.
We went to take an evening walk.
About a mile from town.
Picked a stick up off the ground.
And knocked that fair girl down.
She fell down on her bended knees.
For mercy she did cry.
Oh, will you dear, don't kill me here.
I'm unprepared to die.
She never spoke another word.
I only beat her more.
Until the ground around me.
Within her blood did flow.
Everybody.
Everyone.
I grabbed her by her golden curls.
And I dragged her round and round.
Throwing her into the river.
That flows through Knoxville town.
Go down, go down in Knoxville curl.
With dark and rolling eyes.
Go down, go down in Knoxville curl.
You can never play my ride.
Go crazy, man.
I'm here to waste my life away.
Down in this dirty old hell.
Because I buried at Knoxville curl.
Curl, curl, I love so much.
Roars of laughter at the barber in the Kmart at the dentist.
Life of the party MC for all occasions.
Look, kiddies, it's Clem.
Happy, happy Clem.
This is the story of happy Clem.
Large heart, hearty laugh, lights of flutter, happy Clem.
Skin of swimsuit, varicose vanity, hairy back, happy Clem.
Big bum, bum leg, breathless, asthmatic, happy Clem.
Hot-ridden thyroid trouble, gout inflamed, happy Clem.
Unmarried, tiny dick, fat ankles, happy Clem.
Alone living, one room flat, a rat infested, happy Clem.
Illiterate, unredeemed, unremarkable pencil chewing, happy Clem.
Stiff, bloated, two-day-old, chopped down a cream bun, happy, happy Clem.
It's a good news weekend.
A kiss for second round. Good riddance, broken English.
One line of dialogue from a movie. Players must identify the films.
And who said it? Fiona? For you? You ready?
Yep. Rosebud? Oh, oh.
Citizen Kane. Orson Welles.
I don't think we've ever played one game properly.
Why should we? For those of you who stayed asleep and missed the end, it's a slid.
A lot of people thought a sleeping movie.
And Rosebud was actually the name that William Randolph Hearst used for his love of Mary Poppins.
Anyway, we could talk about that all night, I'm sure.
My life is better than an ABBA song. I hope so.
Oh, it's gotta be, gotta be, uh... Come on.
Muriel! Saddle down!
Muriel! Oh, Muriel! Sorry, and who said it?
Muriel! Tony Collette!
Tony Collette, yeah. We were throwing our voices into those lovely girls.
I'm not gonna touch it.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.
Oh, yes, yes, yes. Come on, yes.
I need your husband. No, come on, just give it to me.
Kevin Spacey. Kevin Spacey.
It's your husband. It's your husband.
Who's your boyfriend now? Nancy. Who's your boyfriend now, Nancy?
Here's the clue.
Freddy Krueger. Why am I helping? Come on.
Yes, what's the film he was in? Nightmare on Elm Street.
What's your film? Okay, here we go.
You will travel far, my little Kal-El, but we will never leave you.
Superman! Superman.
Yes? Marlon Brando.
Thank you very much. I'm gonna give you at the end of that round...
100 points.
I'm gonna give you a six point...
Six points, yes. Thank you very much.
Jewish groups in America have attacked the latest Superman comic in which the man who still fights the Nazis in World War II.
The groups are angry because nowhere in the story is the word Jew actually mentioned.
He's still fighting for truth, justice and the American way though.
He even helps the entire population of a concentration camp escape.
Superman gives each prisoner a pair of Clark Kent glasses and they walk straight past the guards without being recognized.
Unfortunately, the Germans are also complaining that the comic makes them out to be stupid.
Like to infiltrate the SS, Superman just paints an extra S.
That's very funny.
That's very funny.
And we're moving right along now. Anthony, some broken English for you. You ready?
Yep. Easy.
There isn't going to be any governess. You know it.
I know it too. The sound of music.
Thank you.
Captain...
Von Trapp.
Your head must just be hollow because it's louder.
Rock band is so loud it's been years ago.
I'm as mad as hell I'm not going to take any more.
News front? No. Network?
Yes.
No, no, no.
Thank you very much. That's two down. Let's go shopping.
Let's go shopping.
Let's go shopping.
Let's finish the game first.
What?
No, you're wrong. Guy Fierce and Priscilla Queen of the Desert.
Stop your games.
What we have here is a failure to communicate.
What we have here is a failure to communicate.
Strother Martin.
Strother Martin, Kill Ham Luke.
For many years he's painted men and women who seem to be slaves of cocaine or a similar drug which has reduced them to frenzied and shameless morbidity.
Am I a psychiatrist?
Sorry.
Hang on, hang on.
I'm going to give you five seconds.
What painting did you say?
Bad Luck.
Sam, Neil, Norman, Lindsay and Sirens.
That's right.
We knew that.
I'm going to give you six points at the end of that. Go on.
I've watched that film breast by breast.
I remember watching the swimming scene.
An Australian company has finally secured the rights to make an animated film version of Norman Lindsay's 80 year old children's story The Magic Pudding.
There will be a feature length Magic Pudding and also a microwave Magic Pudding that tells the whole story in just under three minutes.
The animated feature will have an unusual plot.
Two minutes in Egbert Rumpus Bumpus notices the use by date on the pudding is 1918 and it spends the rest of the movie on a compost heap.
The producers say the budget is 12 million dollars. Who's playing the bloody pulling? Demi Moore?
And not to be outdone, Disney are rushing to complete their own dessert based animated feature, Mickey Moose.
Stuff you, stuff you all.
Did you know the Magic Pudding wasn't Norman Lindsay's original idea for a children's character? No.
But his friends thought the magic nymphomaniac with enormous breasts might have been a bit too scary for the under sevens.
And the scores at this point in the game we have the Robins team sitting free on 21 points.
Neck and neck with the McCrossan team on 21 points.
I choose to start the song now. With the bumblebee, with the bumblebee.
My petals are with pollen and they're heavy down to sea.
With the bumblebee, with the bumblebee.
I'm tired and I want to go to sleep.
With the bumblebee.
The big finishes take a long line complete the next line of the song. One point for every correct answer. Peace.
Okay. Anthony, Zoe, Mikey. Your time begins now. Two little boys had two little toys.
He's had a wooden horse. Rob Harris. What costume shall the poor girl wear?
Um, I don't care. Come on, we're timing. I don't care, I'll do her hair.
We're going to move on to all tomorrow's parties. Velvet Underground and Nico. My baby is alright, she doesn't mind a bit of dirt.
Um, your gal is a real big flirt. Yeah.
She says horror vampire, bite, bite. Release the bets. The birthday party.
Close your eyes. Okay, come on. And I'll kiss you. What?
Tomorrow I'll miss you. Tomorrow I'll miss you. Yes. We know that one, thank you.
Remember I'll always be true. And then while I'm away I'll go home every next month.
And I'll send all my love into you. Next one.
All my loving I will send to you. All my loving darling I'll be true.
Okay, I'm in the phone booth, it's the one across the hall.
If you don't ring the doorbell, I'll just throw you out the wall.
Hang on on telephone, Blondie. Summer breeze makes me feel fine.
Blondie, there's a jasmine in my mind. Seals and crop, thank you very much.
You take me by the heart. When you take me by the hand. Oh, Nicky, can't you understand?
Nicky, Tony Basil, John Stepson, what do you take?
The police. Ricky, don't lose that number.
It's the only one that I've got. Very close. You're going to call somebody else.
Steal it down. The history book on the shelf. History book on the shelf.
It's not the one that I left there.
And here's the last one. Ladies and gentlemen, midnight, not a sound from the pavement.
Oh, the oasis is crazy.
Has it midnight? Not a sound from the pavement.
Has the moon lost its memory? Is it smiling alone?
Very close. I'm going to give it to you.
Oh, thank you. Can we not have...
I'm sorry, Paul, can we not have that last point?
Because I feel ashamed that anyone knew those lyrics.
I'm sorry, I'm a big fan of Rum Tum Tumkin.
I'm going to take it back there.
Victorian police have launched an internal inquiry into claims by singer Deborah Byrne
that copied and distributed a video of her and her ex-lover having sex.
Is this it? I hear Margaret and David loved it. Five stars.
But it wasn't a homemade skin flick.
It was Deborah's audition for the lead in Andrew Lloyd Webber's new musical, Beauty and the Beast with Two Backs.
Sadly, Brian Harradine has now abandoned his moral crusade.
He realises his efforts are too little, too late, if one of the young talent team is making porno movies.
One last word, if anyone who's watching tonight and they have a tape at home,
the Victorian police want you to know that if you don't love it, you can swap it for free.
I can never figure it out. There's people who video tape themselves and then watch it, having sex.
The last person I want to see having sex is me.
You're the last person I want to see having sex with.
Okay, here we go. Johnny is a guy who can't make up his mind.
Blah, blah, blah.
You're not getting any extra points for that, but I'm going to give it to them.
Super not. That goes in there. That goes in there. This goes with that, goes with this, goes with that.
Almost. This is Hardcore by Pulp.
Sandy came from out on the island.
In the back room she was everybody's darling.
But she never lost her head. Even when she was given head.
She said, hey babe, take a walk on the wild side.
She said, hey babe, take a walk on the wild side.
And the coloured girls go, doop de doop.
Doop de doop doop de doop de doop de doop de doop de doop de doop de doop de doop de doop de doop de doop de doop.
Hey, that's funky dancing, Julie.
Went down to Santa Fe.
Where Renoir paints the wall.
Hang on, where Renoir paints the wall.
And where are we going to see your faces again?
Because tonight for the first time, just about half past ten.
Oh, I know this one. Something's about the bananas in pajamas.
Come on, come on, for the first time in history.
Just about half past ten.
It's going to start raining.
It's going to start raining men.
The weather girls.
Pretty women out walking.
Down my street.
Pretty women out walking.
Down my street.
Pretty women out walking.
With gorillas down my street.
Thank you very much. Is she really going out with him? Joe Jackson.
He just forgot the gorillas.
Yeah, that'd be right.
He's a brick and I'm slowly drowning.
And the last one got myself a smiling, walking, breathing, talking.
Living doll.
Thank you very much. Go wild for them, ladies and gentlemen.
No idea.
Cliff Richard, one of the headline acts of this week's Princess Diana tribute, says he would have killed to sing at her funeral.
Isn't that incredible?
If Cliff owned a white Fiat Uno, I think we're on to something.
But it's a really horrible thing to say, until you realize that the person he would have had to kill is Elton John.
And Cliff would have gone through with it too, but the only blunt instrument he could find on the day was Christa Burgh.
What is up with Christa Burgh's eyebrows? It's like two caterpillars have died on his forehead.
The ageless singer even had to put his performance all worked out for the big night.
He was going to sing Wired for Sound while his dancers reenacted the tunnel crash on roller skates.
I like beat speakers.
Thank you very much. Mikey Robbins, Zoe Kareades and Anthony Morgan scored 32 points.
Just inching in front of Julie Macross and Fiona Horn and Peter Burner on 30 points.
Oh no.
Sorry.
Before we go, a quick weekend news flash.
I am in hell!
We can't all be winners, only they can be winners.
A quick news flash, Jar Jar Gabor has just announced that she will make a video for her new single in Australia.
I want you all to join with me in heartfelt prayer that it won't be a Deborah Bernstein video.
Goodnight.
Looking from the window above, it's a story of love.
Can you hear me?
Came back only yesterday, moving further away.
Want you near me?
All I needed was the love you gave.
All I needed for another day.
And all I ever knew, only you.
This is gonna take a long time, and I wonder with my eyes.
I can't take no more.
Wonder if you'll understand.
It's just the touch of your hand behind a closed door.
All I needed was the love you gave.
All I needed for another day.
And all I ever knew, only you.
All I needed was the love you gave.
All I needed for another day.
And all I ever knew, only you.
Can turn the world on with your smile.
All I needed was the love you gave.
All I needed was the love you gave.
And suddenly make it all seem worthwhile.
Well it's you girl and you should know it.
With each glance and every little movement you show it.
Love is all around, no need to grace it.
You can never tell, why don't you taste it?
You're gonna make it after all.
All I needed was the love you gave.
All I needed for another day.
And all I ever knew.
All I needed was the love you gave.
All I needed for another day.
And all I ever knew, only you.
You're gonna make it after all.
Only you, you're gonna make it after all.
Thank you.