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Tonight's Good News Weekend is rated M for mature audiences
and contains material which may offend
Boy, I have to go to America for an operation
You know me little tick is bad
The doctors over there are the best
They say I have a bloody good chance of making it mate
So I need you to look after the company while I'm gone
You're a man now
and it's time you stand on your own two feet
What do you say?
I'll bring me back some Mickey Mouse ears, Dad
It's a Good News Weekend
Welcome to Good News Weekend
Now we don't normally do this but we did just want to say
get well soon to Butch the Williamstown police dog
who was stabbed by an armed bastard during a siege this week
The brave rock wheeler was seriously hurt as he overpowered the bastard
But thanks to his human partner and two ambulance officers
Butch is expected to make a full recovery
Good dog, good dog
Now this kind of thing really makes you realize just how much our canine friends do for us
For example, the army has an unusual recruiting problem at the moment
It desperately needs dogs to train to detect explosives
Now most sniffer dogs can pass the entrance test
which involves finding explosives placed up each other's bottoms
But if a dog can't spot a bomb it becomes pretty obvious during playtime
because every third frisbee the trainer throws is made of plastic explosives
To make the public more interested in providing suitable pets
army trainers have stopped giving them names like splatter and meat truck
If you are thinking of volunteering a pet
remember the army does prefer to get the dogs as puppies
because puppies don't make such a mess when they explode
Still there is an extraordinary bond between humans and canines
Social workers in Russia have recently captured a six-year-old boy
who spent two years living on the streets with a pack of stray dogs
The boy told them living with dogs does have its advantages
He now knows how they do that thing they do because they can
Unfortunately psychiatrists say the kid is experiencing a midlife crisis
Yes, he was only born six years ago
but he's now a six-year-old boy
and he's experiencing a midlife crisis
Yes, he was only born six years ago
but in dog years that makes him 42
Oh, and if you're after a gift for that special hound, that dog you love
a company called Pets International has just released a range of squeaky doggy toys
which bear the likeness of John Howard, Kim Beasley
and Pauline Hanson
Now, it's a hideous thought, you know, Pauline Hanson covered in drool
It'll be just like the first time she met David Oldfield
But for some reason only farm dogs can relate to the Hanson toy
They listen when it squeaks and feel it's prepared to squeak things
No other squeaky toy has ever squeaked before
And if you don't have a dog, don't feel left out
There's also the Amanda Vanstone cat toy
which always looks like the cat just dragged it in
And while we're at it...
Hello, hello Paul, I love you Paul
Mikey, come on, don't be stupid
Mikey, stop it, stop it
I love you, scratch my tummy
Stop it
Get your leg off, get your leg off me, don't
Stop it, Mike
I'm a dog, Paul
I love you
I love you, Paul
Have some dignity, mate, have some dignity
Look at the dog here
Oh, man, for God's sake
Guys, you're not going to believe this
Someone keeps taking things from my dressing room
and someone's actually stolen my socks
Oh, no, no, look, no, I was standing here
I was doing the monologue, right?
I was doing the monologue
And then Mikey comes over, right?
And he starts going, oh, he's scratched my tummy
And he's pretending he's a dog
and he's got these pure socks hanging on his ear
He, he, he, he, he...
You're pathetic
You sicken me
Mikey Roberts has got more dignity
than to put socks on his head and pretend he's a dog
Paul McDermott is a thief
Ah, shut up, fella, shut up
Come on, come on, come on, come on, fella
I am sorry for my shortcomings
I might try a final therapy
I like her when she wears tight sweaters
When I see her, I'm on my way
She said, she said
Let's talk about us now
She said, she said
I should know how I feel
She said, she said
When I was looking out the window
She said, oh, I don't know it
She said she could show
When I look into her eyes
Oh, I can see
She's got a thing for me
And I know that it's true
We started a small, big fire on the day we met
And I know she can't forget it
I know she loves me, yeah
She said, she said
She never knew what I was thinking
She said, she said
We should share each other's pain
She said, she said
I was watching as the smoke went to the ceiling
She said, I don't know
I was dreaming
She said she could show
She said I was blind
And I was blind
She said she could show
I was blind, I was blind
She said, she said
We should start things all over
She said, she said
Maybe we'll just need a little time
She said, she said
I was listening to the rain outside
She said, I don't know
She said she could show
She said, she said
Let's talk about us now
She said, she said
I should know how I feel
She said she could show
She said, she said
I should know how I feel
She said, she said
And I was looking out the window
And I, she said
Tuesday, 2 a.m.
I threw a baby up with the bath water
How it got in there in the first place is anyone's guess
You see, my home has become infested with infants
I don't know how they're getting in
3 a.m.
After following a trail of Kimbees
I spot a little uncircumcised 9-pounder teething on the sideboard
I tried to lure it out with a rusk
But it turned on me
Took me 2 hours to prise it from my nipple
5 a.m.
In an attempt to deter them
I sprinkled infanticide all over the floorboard
To no avail
If you find you have this problem in your own home
Whatever you do, don't become attached to them
For in no time they'll reach adolescence
Leave home
And eventually inherit everything you have ever strived to achieve
It's a cruel world
It's a good news weekend
Thank you, good evening
Tonight the test pilot for Aeroflot's new passenger aircraft Julie McCrossan
An informed, intelligent commentator on lots of stuff he knows nothing about
James O'Loughlin and, hopped on, it's Amanda Keller!
And they're doing it tough
Again, spank me, spank me, call me Mikey Robbins
And I don't know much about art but I know what I like and that's Zoe Karidis
Hey, what's that?
As a man who loses so much sincerity we often have to steam clean his chair afterwards
Anthony Ackroyd!
Howdy
Yeehaw
Let's get serious, Julie, James, Amanda, what's happening in the modern world here?
Okay
Top of the pop
Oh, James here, top of posies and the hairdo posies
You should try it
You are a god, come back
Wow
No, all those musical sonnets
Crackers
Now that's a good bit of what
And my favourite woman
That's Larry Olivier
Olivier, yeah, he's good, that kid's good, he'll go a long way on
Is he dead yet?
Yes
He's dead?
He's dead, so he's not really about him
Why, you reckon you can fill his spot?
Oh, please, not this early in the show
So we've got
We're talking Shakespeare, clearly
And we're talking detective series
You're the lawyer, what do you put together with this, crime and Shakespeare?
I think that some poms are trying to update the Shakespearean tales
and make like film noir detective movies out of them
Like sort of Booking Yorick Murder One
Yeah, or instead of, you know, to be or not to be, it'll be I'm dead or no I'm not
You could put in some modern issues like Lady Macbeth with the Hands, obsessive compulsive disorder
I really need us to write
I don't know how it's going to work
Because the murder always happens at the beginning
Like, you know, Macbeth Axeford he's seen too, the King gets it and then well, you know, it was him, he said it was him
We've got a soliloquy on tape
James, any other Shakespearean murders you can name to the act in the scene?
Yeah, they all have it in scene, Act Three, Scene Two
It's a role, they just said Act Three and Three, you know, whatever
Did he?
Did he say it as well as that?
He spoke old English, you know, he doesn't speak properly
But he said Act Three
James, you're not meant to say Macbeth in a theatre
Yeah, no
I've got a way, mate, this is a television show
This is a warehouse now
Are you excuse me, Blaine?
I'm going to give you five points
Nice start
Very nice start
Britain's ITV network has commissioned well-known television writers to turn 20 of Shakespeare's plays into contemporary thrillers, police dramas and comedies
Which will appeal to a modern audience
ITV has even signed Leonardo DiCaprio for the updated Romeo and Juliet
But this time, they're going to give it a happy ending
He lives and gets fat and ugly
Some TV shows have already started incorporating Shakespearean stories
On a recent episode of Teletubbies
Dipsy murdered La La and blamed it on Poe
Who committed suicide, then Dipsy was slaughtered by Tinky Winky
Who later drank poison after sleeping with his own mother
Oh, puppy
Shakespeare's plays had murder, adultery, incest and pedophilia
If he was alive today, Richard Alston would cut his funding
Mikey, Zoe, Anthony, a trip through the modern world for you
Right
Oh, big two, I'm sorry
When and how now?
I hate it when that happens
Is that ice cream?
What base is that on?
A rocket? Do they hate that?
Smugglers, bombs, wars?
I believe Iraq is working on an intercontinental ice cream missile
Richard Butler's trying to take it away
It's cream, ice cream, I believe that stuff was ice cream
Yes, it looked rather like
I want to believe it was ice cream
If you had a baby, you'll know what I mean
You've heard of, I can't believe it's not butter, there's, oh my god, please let it be ice cream
Or else I'm really sick
Would it be ice cream companies having a war between them and each other?
Ice cream war, what is it good for?
Canberra and streets are fighting
They're locked, they're in a long war
Because Canberra's now gone into, I'm going to be an expert on this
Canberra has now gone, shut up, it's a gland problem
I've eaten too many glands
Canberra has now, Canberra has now
You have no shame
Well I have worn the socks on the head as a dog ears
And I wouldn't laugh too hard, hot dog woman
I know, but that outfit was so slimming, wasn't it?
It's my colour
Canberra have decided to move into the ice cream thing
Because now you can buy chocolate and top deck ice cream
And it's really nice
And you can buy it, yeah
Come on, come on, time is wasting
Shut up, you're a nice little man
There's an argument
It's not a gland problem, do you mind?
There's an argument at the moment either who invented the chocolate double dipping
The process
The process of chocolate double dipping
You just called it a taxation evasion
No, chocolate double dipping, I thought it was a porn film from the camera
I saw that once though
Who's because I'm chocolate dipping?
I'm going to give you four points for that
Thank you
And the audience can go wild
Paul, when you talk about ice cream wars
I've just got this image of the Paddle Pop Lion laying into a giant magnet
An ice cream war has broken out in Australia
Between streets and cabarets over just who developed the first triple
Triple dipping process
Not double, not double chocolate
The triple dipping process
That was a sequel
I love the smell of gay time in the morning
They say they've been experimenting with the triple dip for months
And they've got the really fat white mice and rabbits with ice cream smeared all over their eyes to prove it
And as James was saying, things have turned pretty nasty
This week the Paddle Pop Lion was knocked unconscious in a parking lot brawl
And when he woke up he'd been spayed
Sadly the UN Confectionery General is now concerned the conflict will escalate into a very cold war
Involving formerly neutral eastern ice block countries
Thank you
There, yes, Mikey
I've always wanted to do the Australian version of Born Free
Where the Paddle Pop Lion has returned to the wild
To roam with his own people
Oh, oh, oh, Paddy Pop there, bring it out an elk
With his own people, the Wambles
In a safari suit, I don't think so
And after one award winning round of Good News Weekend
Those people over there are on four points
And those people over there are on five points
My most rewarding injuries, I choose to start the story now
My most rewarding injury is a dislocated shoulder
Because it meant I got to go in an ambulance
And the ambulance officer sat in the back with me
And listened to everything I said
I'd never held anyone's interest for eight kilometres before
I was touched, laughed at and made to feel superior for $136
My second best injury is a broken nose
Which left me with a twisted septum
So every time I sneeze now, my snot comes out at right angles
And that makes me unique
Got it
It's a Good News Weekend
The prison round two, Idiot Box, two points for every correct TV show theme
Are you ready to go, Amanda?
Oh me, yes, I'm ready
Go Amanda, go Amanda
Thanks everyone, I'm ready
The hopes and dreams of a nation rest on your shoulders
Go hot dog
OK, take it away Gadflies
One day the wind blows hot and cold
Life can be
But I am in control
Alright, any time you're ready
Well, the second one
The second, we're starting with the second
We're starting with the second one
I hope you're not so maybe a bit confused about the film
I think so
So, I'm sorry, another first one
Now give them a chance first, give them a chance
So do we
The second one is Neighbours
Yes
Third one, Greenacres
Yes
Good place for me
Is the first one, we're going to have to have a bit of a guess here
Is the first one, any clues? Is the first one a modern ABC programme?
Is it something writing at Socks Off right now that all middle class people are fantasising about?
Someone in Italy used to wear a bustle but doesn't anymore
I would like to help you with this
Why is it the start of the audience like you normally do?
No, it's not, see change
OK, Paul
It goes right to Mikey, yes?
It's Sweet and Sour
It was a show on the ABC
Oh, Sweet and Sour
I've got a rock band, an industry rock band
That's right, Mikey's got it, thank you very much
And the show's where, Sweet and Sour, which you didn't get
I'm so sorry because my brain's truss knew it and I forgot to turn my eyes to the other part of my chin
How sad, Julie, cheating let you down
And the other two songs that he get were Neighbours and Greenacres
And in TV news from America, Max Beyer Jr, who played Jethro in the Beverly Hillbillies
Wants to open a $210 million hotel casino in Nevada based on the 60s TV show
I mean, how pathetic, how pathetic
Piny for the old days when everyone was simple, white and carried a gun
Thank you, just thank God that no one would think like that in this country
Jethro's hotel will be true to the show, none of the beds will have electric blankets
Although at the night's eventually room service will happily provide you with a nice warm pig to sleep with
And if you want to have sex with a pig, please say so and they'll make sure you get a real pretty one
Paul, that is really nasty, I mean, ugly pigs deserve sex too
How do you tell an ugly pig?
You can't, you can't, that's the problem
You're, you've got a nice personality
You've got a nice eye, you're ugly
I'm a stunning beautiful ugly pig
Yes, I think so, you've just got to look beneath the crackling net
Thank you, Mr. Ackroyd, three beloved idiot box, themes just for you
Hit me
Okay
Okay, what were they, ladies and gentlemen, can we have an answer?
Paul, starting with the second one
As is the custom
I think it's some sort of tradition, you know
That would be none other than Kimber, the extremely white line
The white line
He is right, ladies and gentlemen, Kimber the white line, yes
The third was none other than our friend Skippy
It was indeed, the Skipster
Yeah
And now the first one
First one, let's just move on
No, you can't ask them, how about you get quickly cranked out just once more there, can you do that?
One more turn
Oh, we didn't get that
Hang on
Happy days
No, happy days
Happy days
Was it something Chinese, was it something like kung fu or monkey or something?
Gentle Ben
Is it?
No
Billion Ben
I didn't realize that it caused so much excitement
It was in fact, when the boat comes in
Oh
Who will get the fishy, I don't know who
Yes, who will get the fishy
When the boat comes in
Dance to the daddy sing to the mommy car
We could go on all night with that great song
A local company is trying to sell outrageously priced holidays to the Yanks
Which include elite socialites and celebrities of Australian life
As part of the tour package
One such celebrity is Tony Bonner
Described in the brochure as an international motion picture and TV star
But who was really just a helicopter pilot on Skippy
And you can spend 14 days fishing and playing golf with Tone for only $40,000 US
What a bargain
Or for $6,000 you get to play a day of putt-putt with Bat Cat
If golf isn't your thing, $20,000 will get you a week in a borough with Batso, the wombat from a country practice
$10,000 in cash will get you a week in a borough with Danny Monod
And $10,000 in hash will get you six months in a cell with Dougie the Pizza Boy
That's what it is
And for only four grand, for four grand you can spend an afternoon face down the puddle with Jason Donovan
And the score is at the end of that nail biting round
Thames over there, ten points
Thames there, nine points
Oh, it's not about the things well
Ok folks, who the f***ing rabies wearing bear here
How the f*** is your mean, fit, fat and f***ing except for one thing
To be honest, we're all starting to get excited about the f***ing Olympics
And those stupid f***ing mascots
Milly, Willie and Silly Billy, what are their names?
I'm telling you what, why is there a f***ing bear on board?
Why is there a big beautiful brown f***ing bear there?
To show the Aussie spirit
And I'm not just saying that because I find Milly made me f***ing attracted
I'm a fantastic kid and I've heard they're f***ing fantastic
Just think of the opening ceremony
Instead of Muhammad Ali, Keith you'll be there
Light the Olympic torch with a big f***ing blue flame
Do it for Oz
Time to excuse me while I kiss this guy
The game for everyone who's ever sung along to a song without actually knowing the words
Now before the show, both teams were given part of a video clip to study
All they have to do is decipher what is really being sung
Extra points for originality
Amanda, James, Julie, you have Michael Jackson's thriller
Oh, he's a classic
Oh, what a classic
Move it, Mikey, move it
I was in the day when he was black
Lucky we share his raw sexuality
Is that John Clegg's part of the Contra North?
We hold each other tight and share our pocket and we get a f***
Oh, I could watch that all night
It's amazing, that wasn't make up, they raised the dead
Why couldn't we ask Satan to enter him and he would have been raising dead
And then he took body parts from each of them and just added them
The last time he was black
What is the loved one talking about there?
Well, can you go, James?
We were just doing song, it's about the new Wonder Drake
We believe it's a Viagra story, essentially
It's obvious, it's fairly obvious it's Viagra
Look at the state of those people dancing behind Michael, high arousal
And we're enormously pleased to know that they're trialling Viagra on Australian women as we speak
Why do women need Viagra?
Actually, Amanda, why do women?
But isn't it a male potency thing? How does it work for women?
They go crazy, they go crazy sex mad, they do a womp
I just need someone to bring my washing in and my libido's up
Love it
It means it helps them stand up after sex is finished
To make a cup of tea
Thank you, James
Thank you
What are your words?
We've got some words, we think it's all about a pillar called Viagra
Michael Jackson and Viagra, how are you going to get Viagra to rhyme with Boy Scout?
Well, you'll see
Can we hear them first and then we'll sing along
A line each?
Yeah, go on
It's the pillar, Viagra, ooh
Girl, I can do you more than anyone has done before
I get the good one, Viagra, Viagra, ooh
So let me hold you tight
And shout
Get up, get up
Fair when we sing it
Okay, let's try it now with the Michael Jackson clip, sing along
We've got movements
Oh, going for the big points
Cause the, the, the Viagra, ooh
Girl, I can do you more than anyone has done before
Viagra, Viagra, ooh
So let me hold you tight and shout
Get up, get up
Yeah
Ladies and gentlemen
What are your songs?
That's right
I'm sorry, man
I pull it
So, so that, that is how the white people dance
Listen, Mikey, we might be white, but I think we've raised the sexual tension in this room
Oh, oh, oh
I'm going to give you ten points for that, cause it was so good
And with the movements and everything, so you've rocketed ahead there
And I think if Viagra have a bloody brain in their head, they should use that as an advertisement
The real words, of course, are
Cause it's a thriller, thrill night
Girl, I can thrill you more than any ghost would dare to try
Thriller, thriller night
So let me hold you tight
And share a killer, dealer
Diller?
Diller, killer, dealer
Well, it rhymed
It was three in the morning, Quincy wasn't coming up with the good ideas, and Mikey just went
Let's go for dealer
It's thriller, my folder is manila
I thought we were trying to work in Harry and Miller, but we couldn't get any further
I bet he could
The internet is abuzz with rumours that a remake of the classic children's film
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is about to go into production with Michael Jackson in the title role
Oh dear god, no
Quite a few changes have been made to the original script
In the new movie, Wonka makes white chocolate instead of dark chocolate
Michael's fee is said to be in the millions, although he is willing to pay more if the kids are good looking
If you'd like to learn more about Michael's Willy Wonka, get onto the internet
If you'd like to just learn more about Michael's Willy, get onto the LAPD
Okay, Anthony, Zoe, Mikey, you were given rock and roll damnation by Akka Daka Live in London, 1916
And you were given rock and roll damnation by Akka Daka Live in London, 1977
Alright
I'm not a rock star, I'm a rock star
Whoa, those pants are tight
That's not a hurt
That's not a suck up
Alright
What dog?
We are talking pants where you can tell what religion he is
What's your translation there?
Okay, can we settle together?
We'll just go one more time
Akka, should we start?
I like to fall over on steps
A lot
A Chinese Emperor called Feng Qiumin, he was hot
Look at my bag of beans that I've got stuck down my jeans
My temperature is running hot, I've been waiting all night
Just to prove it's not a sock
Sure beats masturbation
Why didn't I get the last one?
Okay, do you want to try it now with the...
Can I request the music down a little bit?
Because Anthony's and my voices are a little...
Oh yeah, actually it's really freaky
Why don't we just stop the program completely?
There's no need to get nasty, there's so no need
We give so much to the profession that our voices lead us
Sorry, did we bleed blood?
Okay, well let's get started
The fighting kareedis are in the room ladies and gentlemen
Anthony has deliberately given himself laryngitis because he wants all of Zoe's work
He wants to be all those voiceovers
Okay, here we go, now with the music, if you could have us just down a tad bit
Because Zoe's got a bit of...
All of my...
I like to fall over on steps
A lot
Johnny is emphra-cold, think you're mint, he was hot
Oh my bad bag of beans
But I've stuffed in the jeans
I've been waiting all night just to prove it's not a sock
Sure beats masturbation
Who was that?
Johnny's masturbation
Beautiful, beautiful at the start, you lost it a bit at the end
But you came back strong with the masturbation which is always good
It felt like I was...
The music was a little low
Yeah, yeah, it was a little bit lower
I'm going to ACBC saying can you turn the music down, I've got a sore throat, pro-Bond Scott
Very beautiful piece of work, sort of played with it a bit there, lost it a little bit
So I can't give you quite the ten points that I can
How about the content?
The content was shit
And the real words
But I will not succumb to peer group breacher
Talking about the content of Bond's jeans
That should have had a postcode
And the real words are, they say that you want respect honey, or what
For all the things that you've done to me, thanks a lot
Get down on your bended knees
You can put your mind at ease, my temperature's running high
I've been waiting all night for a lot of what you've got
Now that's romance
And I believe next lyrical is happy Mother's Day
Why are they reviving Shakespeare when they've got poets like Bono?
After discovering two new fossilised species of millipede
Greg Edgecombe from the Australian Museum decided to officially name them after Malcolm and Angus Young
From Akadaka
Edgecombe said he did it because they're both diminutive, related and left Australia to conquer the world
And they're both stuck in old hard rock
And the specimens are very ancient, so it's a case of it's a long way to the top of the rock strata if you want a fossil mould
Thank you!
Greg also named a prehistoric fossil after Jimmy Barnes
It's an ancient creature that apparently only thrived in a mossy environment
Oh they've turned
Okay the McCrossan team at this point have pulled in front by 1 point, 19 points!
Love and team, 18 points!
Darling you, you send me
I know you send me
Darling you, you send me
Honest you do, honest you do
Darling you, you thrill me
Oh you, you thrill me
Oh darling you thrill me
You honestly thrill me, honest you do
Honest you do
First I thought it was infatuation
I didn't thought I would fall in love
But oh how it's lasted for so long
Baby it's lasted so long
From now I just find myself wanting
To marry you, take you home
Oh you send me
Darling you send me
You honestly send me
Honest you do
Woo, woo, woo, woo
Thank you this next song I'd like to sing is actually Mike's favourite so I'll share this one with you
Shoo up, doo doo
I'm dirty, I mean, I'm mighty unclean
I'm a wanted man
Public enemy number one
Understand?
So lock up your daughter, lock up your wife
Lock up the back door and run for your life
The man is back in town
So don't you mess me around
Cause I'm TNT, dynamite
I'm TNT, I win the fight
TNT, I'm a power load
TNT, watch me explode
Cause I'm TNT, I'm dynamite
TNT, I win the fight
TNT, I'm a power load
TNT, watch me explode
Human nature!
What is this thing called love?
A highly unstable condition
Where the two smitten parties observe each other through spectacles of rose
But who can resist Cupid's call?
Who does not desire to fall?
Head over heels in love
Thus ending up with your heels over your head
Lost in libidness lust
All senses stimulated
Except of course
The sense we call common
Guess who does not desire to abandon their sanity
As your self esteem engine breaks down on the highway of heartbreak
And as you lie there
On the hot burning bitumen of broken dreams
You come to the realization
That love is like a warm turd wrapped in a sock
But you know how it is
As the old saying goes
Diamonds are forever
But oranges are for half time
Wyoming Bill Kelso, howdy partner
Dancing with Wolves
John Wayne in A Thousand Films
Love Story
It's Peter Sellers in The Party
Burundi V. Akshi
Mrs Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?
That's Dustin Hoffman in Mrs Robinson
The Graduate
My legal friend meant The Graduate
I think it's also in Act Two Scene Three
You're right, Stands of Four
Go ahead, slug me, scar my face, I wouldn't dance with you if you're the last guy in the gym
That's you, Paul
Last guy in the gym?
You know that muscle film?
Oh, that one, that old thing
Is that me with Jamie Curtis and John Travolta in it?
Come on, crank it out, time's a-wastin'
Go ahead, slug me, scar my face, I wouldn't dance with you if you're the last guy in the gym
Perfect, John Travolta
No, Cindy Williams
But I said it confidently, didn't I?
In American Graffiti, and she said that line to Ron Howard
Oh, yeah, it's very interesting, but not funny
It was a violation of the most basic protection codes we have
And it is the best indication of a massive plot
In Dallas
Now that was Donald Sutherland
MJFK
Yes, you're right, he's right, ladies and gentlemen, got it
Beautiful work
Still reckonin' with John Wayne?
Julie hasn't seen a movie since then
That's sad, but it is true
The most disturbing home movie in history, the subruder film of John F. Kennedy's assassination
Is now being sold on video in the US
The footage has even been digitally enhanced
The first time you can see quite clearly that this is a movie
That's a movie, and it's a movie
That's been enhanced, the first time you can see quite clearly
That this JFK crap is gonna go on forever
The video is essentially the director's cut
Exactly how Abraham Subruder intended it to be
It includes a 25 minute segment of his wife, Dulce, trying to find a parking spot in Deerie Plaza
And close-ups of all the pretty girls they could get a shot of
On the grassy knoll
I mean, look at this, look at it
It includes never-before-seen version of a President Kennedy's assassination
A never-before-seen version
I mean, what does that mean? The version where he's strangled by a giant squid?
Or maybe the version where he ducks
And dies in 87 in a bad syphilis
Mind you though, it is fun to have the remote control there, you know
Board goes in, board goes out
One, two, three
How much did he pay Robert to get him for the sequel?
Oh, sorry
Bad taste, bad taste
Chepaquenic, chepaquenic
Zoe, five pieces of broken English for you
You ready? Yeah
Okay, here we go
No, don't, Carl, don't
I hate it, I can't wear a bikini
It's your again, Paul
It's me, in Death in Brunswick
Don't do that
So who is you?
It's Sophie, by Zoe Carini's in Death in Brunswick
You are right
I have a very great friend in Rome called Bigger Thicker
Life of Brian
Was it Grant Shana? No, Michael Pallant
You are right, here we go
I say it here and it comes out there
Oh, come on, you know it Mr. Man, I can sense that you know it
I say it here and it comes out there
Oh, now it's, now it's left me
Should we go on? I was vaguely entered by it then it left
Thank you very much audience, Paulson
Thank you
And you win the car
Board cast you as a Holly Hunter
Holly Hunter? I can be smart, no, Albert Brooks
Albert Brooks, yeah, go on
I can be smart when it's important but men don't like it
Oh, I don't know
Ah, I can be smart when it's important but men don't like it
Marilyn Monroe in some, no, no, in some like it part
Yes, gentlemen prefer blondes, I'm going to give it to Mikey even though you said the wrong answer there
I said Marilyn Monroe
What light through yonder window breaks?
That was a big bet
It's um, just so I can take that and unfortunately you've
Romeo and Juliet
Yes, that little bit
It's Leonardo DiCaprio if you like that
It's a cat, what is that?
Kid
You are right there right ladies and gentlemen
It's up, it's down, it's all over the place, Leonardo DiCaprio
Oh, it's a neck and neck game this one
Do you know the cruelest thing about Leonardo DiCaprio?
What?
That he's not a girl
Because if he was
Come on Mikey, you live in Sydney
I'll try anything once
Leonardo DiCaprio has been quoted in an English magazine saying kissing is disgusting
Because the human mouth is one of the dirtiest things on the planet
Leo allegedly said there's so much bacteria, slime and trapped food
A dog's mouth is much cleaner
I have one question
How does he know?
Maybe he's just been kissing unusually unhygienic humans or maybe unusually hygienic dog
Well Leo's right, I mean kissing a dog is much more sanitary
You can suck on their tongue while their mouth is still six inches away
Julie, can I have those socks back?
I love you Rio
And in a reversal of fortune, the McCrossan team is now on 25 points and the Robins team on 26 points
The two way crack
I choose to start the story now
I first discovered the two way crack at the Sunstruck guest house
Each morning when I walked by the proprietor of Mr Sands half closed bedroom door
I'd see him in bed with his wife Conchita
I'd take great delight at my one second of insight into their private lives
Through the crack between the door and the door jam
I discovered details like when Conchita kissed
Her lips were often closed white hard with Latin immersion
While Mr Sands liked to be touched at the base of the spine and it made him do this
Then one day Mr Sands grabbed me and he said
If I looked through the crack one more time he'd fill my eyes up with sand
And move the lids up and down with his fingers
Like that
I'd seen into the Sands lives but unknowingly they'd seen into mine
It was a two way crack
The end
Can you tell me what it means?
That's close enough, God help me
I was only 19
Red Gov ladies and gentlemen
Will you ask me about the clothes I wear?
Yeah they do
Ask me about the clothes I wear
Something
Come on
You ask me why I comb my hair?
And you ask me why I comb my hair? High voltage AC DC
The head nurse spoke up said leave this one alone
She could tell right away I was bad to the bone
Thank you James, you're so good
I was dreaming when I wrote this
Forgive me if it goes astray
1999 Prince
We're caught in a trap
I can't walk out
Can't walk out
Yes?
Yes
Because I love you
Too much baby
Why can't you see
What you're doing to me
When you don't believe a word I say
I don't believe a word I say
We gather on together
With a suspicious mind
I'm going to give it to you and the last one
I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have
Good on you mate
Something about the hand of the devil
I've held the hand of the devil
I still haven't found what I'm looking for
Here's to the material
There wasn't one wrong
Brilliant
You're nominal
Not one mistake
You two have reportedly lost close to $20 million
investing in a bunch of German bowling alley
So the band has done their last two decades of work for nothing
all in legal terms pro bono
James laughed real hard at that one
They now have a lot of leftover bowling equipment
so for the next concert tour you two will be scraped off stage after each song
then lowered back into position by these enormous clamps
and the German bowling alleys weren't their only bad decision
the band also lost a bundle on their Swiss surf shops
Iraqi adult book stores
and the Israeli merchandising rights to bathe
Thank you for being there all the way to the end ladies and gentlemen
Anthony, Zoe, Mikey, shall we take a long line?
Let's do it
Let's go for it Bolly Boy
Listen to the passion in that voice
You spunky bubble you
This is not a love song
Public image
Sitting on a park bench
Eyeing little girls with bad intent
Jethro Tome and the love
Most people I know
Think that I'm crazy
And I know at times
I act a little hazy or lazy
Lazy
I'm hung like planet Pluto
Invisible to the naked eye
No, it's very hard to see with the naked eye
Firewater burned bloodhound gang
I thought you were just making a comment
Yeah, I built that about you
Come on, quick, we're running out of time
You are wasting time here
Why is the bedroom so cold?
Turn the way on your side
Love will tear us apart, Joy Division
It's not unusual
Go out
With anyone
Yes, it's not unusual
To have fun with anyone
But when I see you out and about with anyone
It's not unusual
It happens every day
No matter what you say
When will this crazy love be mine?
And here we go, the last one
Just like a white wing dove
Last one, just like a white wing dove
Can you sing it a bit?
I know this one
No?
Are you doing it just like a white wing dove?
Just like a white wing dove
Come on
Sings a song, sounds like she's singing
Stevie Nicks, I've got it
Thank you
Gee, I'm so embarrassed
I didn't know the lyrics to the Stevie Nicks solos
The stupidest lyric of all time
Sings a song, sounds like she's singing
What does that mean?
There must be something good about working on Triple M
You wouldn't know songs like that
Before we do get into a bit of a fight about this
Fleetwood Mac's Stevie Nicks has taken out a restraining order
Against a psychiatric patient
Who believes the 50 year old singer is a witch
Who can cure him of his homosexuality
The restraining order bars the loony from all concerts, venues
Or recording studios where Stevie may be performing
Lucky loony
Other homosexuals
But homosexuality isn't a disease that can be cured
It's a perfectly natural sexual urge
That can only be suppressed effectively
By joining the clergy
But still, there is compelling evidence that Stevie Nicks
Really is a witch who works against homosexuality
Whenever you put on a Fleetwood Mac album
Gay men just disappear
Thank you!
That's right!
Wow!
Heel of heart
Julie McCrossan, James O'Loughlin and Amanda Keller
Scored 42 points tonight
Now only winning in front of Mikey Robinson, O'Caridies and Anthony Ackroyd on 40 points
So before we go
A quick weekend news flash
Despite believing he's better off on the street with the dogs
The six year old Russian boy was a witch
And even though he's better off on the street with the dogs
The six year old Russian boy won't be a complete social outcast
He'll be able to double date with Leonardo DiCaprio
Well, that's another one done
So before we say goodnight
There's been a lot of violence
And we did want to end tonight with a feeling of world unity and peace
So the last song tonight
I'm going to perform a piece written by a New Zealand missionary
At the turn of the century
It was his opus to peace
His peace opus
To the darkness that has no end
For those lost within demented souls
We sing this opus of peace
This is a peace opus
Such a shame that it should come to this
Join hands and sing along with us
Sing our opus of peace
This is a peace opus
For those with hearts afraid to love
For those whose minds have gone
For those who've turned their back on God
We sing this opus of peace
For the tiny bites in every home
For the pain that comes again and again
For all the wars that have no end
We sing this opus of peace
This is a peace opus
For the one to mend the hearts of a broken world
For those who fly too high and feel it fall
For every man, woman and child
We sing this opus of peace
This is a peace opus
Everybody!
Such a shame that it should come to this
Join hands and sing along with us
Sing this opus of peace
This is a peace opus
Everybody now!
This is a peace opus
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you everybody!
Thank you! Thank you!
Can you thank human nature?