Welcome to Good News Week. And the big news, the high court has ruled state taxes on cigarettes,
alcohol and petrol are unconstitutional. So the state governments are going to have to
give you all your money back. Just stagger along to your local treasury, tell them you've
smoked 40 a day for 20 years, you get through a crater stalli a week and you're a serious
petrol head and they'll have to give you millions. The ruling puts enormous pressure on the federal
government to introduce a GST. Like they needed enormous pressure to do that. Then they've
been drooling for a chance. Oh dear, I've broken a nail. That's it, we're having a
GST. Of course now GST would stand for gas, smokes and tinnies. You can make a killing
in New South Wales at the moment. In the last week, Belinda Lowe was acquitted of the crime
on the grounds of self-defence. Boxer Dean Waters walked free after convincing a jury
he was brainwashed into killing by his father. And ex-cop Sid Morgan got off because the
man he shot six times was an alleged child molester. Morgan was found not guilty on the
grounds of diminished responsibility. The jury didn't want to feel responsible for
convicting someone they agreed with. And Dean Waters was influenced by his dad so he got
off. But Dean's accomplice was only influenced by someone who was influenced by someone.
So he got 18 years. Wait a second, everything is clear now, everything's so clear. Instead
of spending all that money on a gun buyback scheme, we should just make wasting people
legal. That'd be great for the economy. Think of all those positions vacant once people
start popping each other. Unemployment could even become a legitimate excuse for murder.
I was looking for a job. So I shot a bloke who had one. An Australian scientist says
prehistoric kangaroos were the size of bears and had razor sharp canine teeth. Dr Bernard
Cook says the ancient roos used the teeth for sexual signalling. What's that skip? Bend
over or you'll bite me. An advertising gimmick in McDonald's Austrian restaurants has backfired
after it was found that new placemats depicted a map of the country as Adolf Hitler wanted
it. Oops. Customers also complained about the new clown, Rommel McDonald, the Nurhembergler
and the blonde blue eyed kids behind the counter yelling, you wouldn't have fries with that.
On Monday, Threadbohr survivor Stuart Diver hired Harry M. Miller to handle all his media
inquiries. But on Sunday, Harry said he hoped no sleazebag agent would go near anyone in
Threadbohr. And he meant every word. Miller's reputation for finding a good story, squeezing
big bucks out of it, then skimming 25% off the top, are so legendary the Threadbohr rescue
team was thinking of using him instead of the sniffer dogs. And that's the good news.
Thank you. Good evening. Tonight for your amazement and delight, the warrior princess
Julie McCrossan, the multi skilled multimedia multi story Peter Berner and fresh from playing
to packed houses in the Melbourne Casino Suicide Prevention Room, Linda Gibson. And they're
not taking any lip from the handmade Mikey Robbins, a poet with a moat soon to be seen
on the ABC's Australian story, The Tasmanian Devil, Margaret Scott, and a man who recently
set himself on fire while demonstrating how not to drink flaming Sambuca, Anthony Morgan
brackets, Mr. Clones brackets. Let's go to work. Julie, Peter, Linda, what is this shocking
story? Oh, a little politician from New South Wales. We saw it on the news. Oh, yes. The
new Olympic pool. You come from Melbourne. Have you heard about this? Yes, it was everywhere.
There's nothing else happening in Melbourne. The man in the Nicky Noon now. Well, he was
swimming in Canberra. No, it was in the New South Wales Parliament up the road there and
he's gone in and he's got it out and he's had a go. To be fair to this gentleman, he's
a man who cares about the future of children, but he took his young son and his de facto
wife for nude swimming and his for family values. I think it's sick. I think it's brilliant.
More nudity in Parliament. Everybody should be naked. I want to see Mel Colston in the
room. No, no, no. I take that back. That's not a good one. He's actually a good bloke,
but he's made a little bit of a PR mistake. He's made a big goose of himself. A penis
revealing mistake. Three points. New South Wales MP Alan Corbett, the man who formed
the better future for our children party, is in trouble after being caught by a female
security guard, scheme dipping in the parliamentary pool with his girlfriend and six year old
son. Mr. Corbett claimed the naked body was nothing to be ashamed of saying, I don't hide
my nudity from my son and he doesn't hide his nudity from me. Also, my girlfriend doesn't
hide her nudity from me or my son. My son and I don't hide our nudity from her. All
three of us don't hide our nudity from female security guards. And if female security guards
didn't hide their nudity, burglars would stick around and get caught. But are we really paying
hundreds of thousands of dollars a year for MPs and their families to frolic naked in
state Parliament? No, I'm serious, are we? Because I mean, if we are, I want to see it.
Not question time, televised pool time.
Mike and Margaret Anthony, your news is reaching great heights.
Yeah, oh yeah, that's a couple of guys finding spank line. I have been very bad scientist.
Okay, is it something to do with space?
It's to do with space.
Margaret, should we throw the ball to you early?
It's to do with going into space to carry out a rescue. But there is one point I wish
to raise here.
Please.
Why has Wendy Lawrence not gone?
Wendy Lawrence the American, well apparently, because all about the rescue mission on Mir,
Wendy Lawrence was the American who was supposed to go up with the rest of them. And the silly
idiots who make, not the silly idiots, but let's face it, look at their track record,
the Russian scientists who work in the space think, glug glug glug glug glug. Apparently
made the space suit the wrong size for her. It's probably only come in XL and double XL
and when they put her in the suit, the visor came to there.
That's right.
That's right.
She keeps bumping into things.
Discrimination against the vertically challenged. That's what this is. It's a dreadful and bitter
tale.
Well if I had to send any short woman into space, Margaret, it'd be you.
Why do you like Margaret? In space they don't have RBTs.
Well, you're always going on about that sort of thing. I think you've got an obsession.
Oh, you don't know the half of it.
Three points, I'll stop you there. Three points.
Yes indeed, Major Wendy Lawrence has been dropped from the next NASA mission to Mir
because she's too short. The problem with short astronauts is they start at a lower
altitude. So it takes that much more fuel to get them into orbit.
And NASA says someone of Wendy's size is redundant on Mir. If she got into a space suit, she
wouldn't be able to see out the visor and she'd bump into things. And there are already
men on board who specialise in that.
Three pause now as we expect tonight's strange but true clues. McCross and Berner and Gibson
have a will, a keep out sign.
And the prop of the series.
And so, Jona.
The best bloody prop we've ever had on this program.
I reckon that's fantastic that they managed to get a remote controlled kiddies toy on Mars
and be able to work it and it can go up, did you know it can go up and look at rocks?
I would have loved to have watched it on telly but I had the common cold which they haven't
cured yet.
And Rodman Scott and Morgan got the usual suspects.
Grapeville.
A tin of boot polish.
And above his hat.
Hello, hello, hello.
We cut the ribbon of round two with bites. Peter, say hello to Jim Downey.
We're coming dangerously close to a situation where privately funded research is able to
buy itself public policy.
Look, I've been researching the effects of marijuana and things like that for years.
No one's been interested in a word I've had to say on the matter.
This is all about privately funded research into jewels?
You get an Australian economy that is reliant on the coal industry.
Greenhouse gasses.
Greenhouse gasses going up, warming up the earth, causing problems.
However, we've got to have jobs in this country.
Now, well Paul, we've got to have jobs in this country so this has obviously got to
do with the greenhouse gasses going up in the atmosphere and yeah, they're saying that
the estimates are way too high and we can burn heaps more fuel without worrying about
it.
Who are saying that, Peter?
The Australian Federation of Saying Stuff.
I think in essence, independent foundation has said that we can reduce our targets for
re- well, we can reduce our targets for the production of gasses that cause problems.
However, they've discovered that the independent agency is in fact funded by the coal industry.
Thanks for that, Peter.
Two points.
The Commonwealth Ombudsman will investigate allegations that the research behind Australia's
stand against greenhouse gas restrictions was funded by the fossil fuel industry.
For their part, the industry says they just dig up the coal and sell it.
If people then want to set fire to it, it's nothing to do with them.
Margaret, without the benefit of a translator, what is this man saying?
Without lateral thinking, as we go down the path of examining in detail, the initiatives
the federal government can take, the onward initiatives-
What?
He might be talking about some sort of contortion.
I think.
You know, like going downhill with your head in the sand or something like that.
He's talking about going down the path and travelling laterally.
Laterally.
Which would be going down the path sideways.
It's sort of crab-like.
Crab-like.
Going down the path, but always gazing into the wilderness.
But I think actually he's talking about unemployment at the unemployment conference.
I think.
I mean, it's not very readily apparent.
But that is what I think he's talking about.
He's a great man in that he can say the same sentence, no matter what he means.
Sure.
Absolutely.
Two points.
He is talking about unemployment.
Even though there were five cabinet members missing, the federal government still held
a special meeting on Tuesday to tackle Australia's unemployment problem.
One whole day.
How optimistic was that?
Did it take most experts at least a week to work out how the guys in the meeting got jobs?
Listen, listen to the day's schedule though.
9am?
Arrive.
Get downer to sharpen pencils.
10am?
Keynote speech.
Unemployment.
Are jobs the answer?
11am?
Morning tea.
Ladies, bring a plate.
Noon to one?
Study of a successful day.
Zero unemployment.
The Mars story.
1 to 4?
Lunch.
4 to 6?
Question and answer.
Most common question?
Can I go home?
Most common answer?
Yeah.
To close, round two, magazine mastermind.
Earlier tonight, Ms Gibson and Mr Morgan were given a journal to study and memorize.
Oh, look at that Melbourne acting tonight.
There's so much better than I said.
They asked for it.
They're a cut above.
It's because we read more magazines.
We'll find out very shortly about that.
They now have to beat the clock and answer as many questions as they can about that publication.
Our first contestant is Linda Gibson.
Your special subject is volume three, number one of The Australian Tow Man.
I'm going to subscribe.
The other weird thing about this magazine is that I looked at it and it's published
in Bexley, where I grew up.
It's the most exciting thing to come out of Bexley in the last 40 years.
The Australian Tow Man, of course, a publication for the professional towing industry.
Your questions begin now.
How does the New South Wales tow truck industry feel about the cost of compulsory third party
insurance?
They hate it.
They think it's far too high and it should be lower in price.
You've got it.
If you own a tilt tray tow truck and tow broken down, damaged or abandoned motor vehicles,
what will happen?
You can be taken to court and charged.
You've got it.
The Western Sydney operator referred to Max Fotheringham, executive officer of the tow
truck industry council.
They call him Max Foghorn Leghorn because he's always shouting out, I'm pitching, you
ain't catching.
You're right.
What did Sydney tow truck driver Jim Backus find on Hamilton Island?
Oh, look, you wouldn't believe it, but on the gold buggy up there, they've got a tow
truck attached to the back and it was a tow truck on a gold buggy.
You're right.
According to Australian Tow Man, the dramatic change in the fortunes of the panel beater
will mean what?
Oh, they'll lose it.
They'll lose it.
What do you call it?
Good wheel business.
Yes, you're right.
Local council set the load limits on light traffic roads by the GVM of the vehicle.
As a rule, what is the load limit?
Three tonnes.
You're right.
And at the end of your round on Australian Tow Man, you scored six perfect points.
Sadly, you missed out on the special bonus question worth 400 points.
If a tow truck driver arrives at the scene of an accident before anyone else, what is
he required by law to do?
Wait until the accident occurs before towing away the vehicles involved.
So Linda Gibson, many thanks.
Thank you.
Anthony, good luck.
It's really hard.
Our second contestant is Anthony Morgan.
Your special subject in magazine Mastermind tonight is the July issue of Shoe and Leather
News.
I'm starting to wish I read a bit of it now.
So many questions about the cover, Paul.
Your time begins now.
According to the latest research, how does the future look for the specialist footwear
retailer?
Pretty bleak.
Right.
So of course, mad cow disease has increased consumer interest in footwear of a non leather
nature.
False.
It's actually due to the radical improvements in attaching non leather upers to soles.
Unfortunately, it's true.
Not as much as the radical improvements of attaching non leather upers to soles.
What is the first on the list of key stock management methods?
Planning, planning, planning.
How many different types of shoelace does the shoestring company have in stock?
18.
388.
Buying trends in women's footwear over recent years has shown what?
Spending is down, but women are buying more pairs of shoes.
Yes, you're right.
If a new scanner system, which creates a 3D image of the customer's foot in seconds, takes
off, it will allow user companies to do what?
Right and accurate data basis.
At the end of your round on shoe and leather news, you scored four points.
I know a joke about mad cows.
Well, why don't we just take half an hour off while you tell it?
One British cow says to another British cow, you're not one of these mad cows, are you?
And the cow says, no, of course not.
I'm a rabbit.
And now back to the show.
Unfortunately, Anthony, you missed out on the 400 point bonus question as well.
What's the most erotic part of making a shoe?
And the answer, sticking the tongue in.
So Anthony Morgan, many thanks.
Odd One Out is the traditional name of the game in round three.
Linda, Peter, Julie, you have a prawn, Mickey Mouse, Jane Mansfield and Kurt Cobain.
Easy, easy.
That is so annoyingly easy.
Well, no, well, Peter, I'm in a little bit of shock with the Mansfield image there.
For the younger members of our audience, she is a famous bombshell who came to an unfortunate
sort of.
Yeah, she had a car smashing and she was a milkman.
She was a milkman.
Mickey got busted without a head the other week and that's obviously causing a tremendous
shock to a child.
Causing a brew haha.
Yeah.
To an American child who's suing.
Yeah, Kurt Cobain shot his head off.
Causing tremendous shock to young music fans.
It can't be as simple as the prawn.
The prawn is so obvious.
It's too obvious.
Why and what is the reason for the prawn?
Well, because it's the only one where Aussie's feel real happy when they rip its head off.
Yeah.
Yeah, you don't feel comfortable about that answer?
I feel comfortable.
It's too obvious.
I think the whole show is going downhill.
We had to make it obvious.
We had to make it a bit obvious because the last few months you haven't been getting it.
Well, if you'd phrased it in the way that fans of Jane Matsviel, Nirvana Guy and Mickey
are upset when their head comes off, but fans of the prawn are quite happy.
See?
Yeah, yeah, we could have said it like that but we're...
How do you want to say it?
I mean...
I say it.
We just want to...
It's the prawn.
Three points!
That is the crustacean.
When you take the head off a prawn, it doesn't scare the children.
A Californian woman is suing the Disney Company for allegedly traumatizing her grandchildren
after they saw Mickey, Donald and Goofy taking their costumes off at Disneyland.
Who's the mouse with nothing wear his head's supposed to be?
M-I-C-K-E-Y, kids in therapy, headless mouse, headless mouse.
Impossible to close your...
Eye, eye, eye, eye!
The children were traumatized to learn that the rodent had a man inside him.
Lucky they didn't go to Richard Gear Land.
Anthony, Margaret, Mikey, who's the awful in the hot dog here?
We have American General Norman Swartzgoft, Japanese sumo wrestlers, Russian supermodel
Paulina Poroskova, German Chancellor Helmut Kohl.
Seems pretty straightforward to me.
Three fat blokes and a thin girl.
That sounds like fun.
That's some...
My God, you're right, Margaret!
How did you see that?
Three... hang on, let me count them.
One, two, three absolute porky barrels,ubby wobble, fat fat fat fat water rat, skinny
pinny, doesn't meany.
What could it be, going up a limb here, this is almost as hard as old prawn breath over
there.
The model is skinny, the others are porky, and we're in the right direction here.
Mr. Haircut.
I think they were very kind when they were choosing the images for that piece.
I wish to share a thought.
Nice, this is awful.
Very obvious.
Yes.
Did you know that John Howard's personal physician was called Dr. Killer?
Are any of these mint, Dr. Killer?
By chance, Margaret, is there any reason for noticing if one of the Japanese sumo wrestlers,
Dr. Killer...
Can I tell you a joke?
Can someone help me?
Someone said to Norman Schwarzkopf, you're not one of those Dr. Killers, are you?
And he said, no, of course not, I'm a rabbit.
Give me an answer I can understand.
As what?
As Margaret, your Stephanie can't talk anymore, okay?
Could be the fact that Norman, the sumos and Cole all eat meals that weigh more than the
model.
So you're choosing the model.
The model, we've done this.
I'm going to give it to you.
I'm going to give it to you.
You tried very hard.
There's some great stuff in there.
I'm going to give you three points anyway.
It is Paulina Porishkova having lunch with the others doesn't come cheap.
It's more to do with money.
Norman stormed in the country for a series of motivational lectures on Wednesday, immediately
securing baggage collection before fanning out through the airport proper.
But then the general who was decorated for bravery in Vietnam and led the allied forces
in desert storm faced his greatest challenge, trying to motivate Australians.
If you're going to see Norman, try to avoid the usual stadium rock cliches.
At his Sydney show, one merchant banker held up a cigarette lighter.
They got taken out by heat seeking missile.
Strange but true is the final very important round.
Julie, Peter, Linda, your story is linked to the will, the keep out sign and sojourner.
The Tonka.
Tonka.
Tarant.
My learned friend's been reading the age and evidently this will and this sign thank
you to the ABC people who gave us a little hint by writing Yemen security.
It appears to be about an Arabic will.
Yes it is.
I just wanted to say something.
And then the Americans sent this up to Mars.
Yes.
They did.
Because they had to.
And then this came out via Yemen.
The evidently a little Arabic family are actually claiming that they have a property interest
in Mars.
They own Mars.
They inherited Mars many, many moons ago, hundreds of years and the Yanks have gone
up and trespassed.
But the Yemenites have learned one thing and that is how to take legal action.
The sort of litigious nature of the Americans has come into the Yemenites and they are taking
action to say get off Mars Americans.
It's our Barney rubble up there.
So this is a land rights claim on Mars.
A group of Yemenites have made a land rights claim on Mars.
Yes.
You're right.
Three points.
Three men from Yemen are suing NASA for invading Mars claiming they own the red planet.
And they've got documents they say prove they inherited Mars from their ancestors 3,000
years ago.
Do you think Martian bacteria are sitting around watching reruns of my favourite Yemenite?
As well as compensation the Arabs say Sojourner has clocked up over $600 in parking fines
and unless they're paid immediately that vehicle will be towed.
Mikey, Margaret, Anthony, your strange but true clues were the usual suspects.
Boot polish and Bobby's hat.
This is a true story that came out of Manchester.
Apparently there was a black man who was arrested for a crime.
They needed a line up to see whether he was guilty or not and they couldn't find enough
English people of Jamaican descent so they actually blacked up some policemen a la Black
and White Minstrel Show.
With boot polish?
With boot polish and they all burst in and they were part of the line up as well.
So I was like well can you identify the one black guy or the four big white blokes doing
way down upon the Swanee River?
And strange enough they managed to pick out the black guy in the middle.
That's what happened.
That is what happened isn't it?
And it's not funny it's disgusting.
It's wrong and they're thinking you're trying it out in Queensland next week.
When Yorkshire police couldn't find enough tall black men to stand in a line up with
an alleged criminal they got eight white guys and put them in blackface.
Senior police condemned using makeup to make white guys look black.
In the old days they would have done it with bruises.
As a result of the line up the case was thrown out of court.
The good news is it's reopened in the West End where it's playing to packed houses.
Julian McCrossan, Peter Boehner and Linda Gibson scored an objectionable 17 points.
Riding ruckshod over Mikey Robbins, Martha Scott and Anthony Morgan on a sustained 14
points.
How does that feel Peter?
That'll be a first for you I think.
That's the first time I've ever won.
It's going to feel terrible now because I'm going to snatch it away from you and just give
the game to Margaret Scott.