Welcome to Newsweek, coming tonight from the National Convention Centre in Canberra, the
least confused city in Australia.
And why? Because it doesn't have a waterfront.
It's Australian Science Week 1998 and I like to think in our own special way we're all scientists,
driven by a relentless quest for knowledge, trying to discover order in a seemingly chaotic universe.
That's why we stick beans up our nose when we're five years old.
To discover the finite bean capacity of the nostril.
And the real scientific news, a national conference in Adelaide has been told that science needs to become
sexier if it's going to attract more funding.
It's a sad indictment when the sexiest moment in the history of Australian science has been
Julius Sumner Miller putting an egg in a milk bottle.
Okay, let's start with the basics people. Carrying pens in the top pocket is daggy.
But you could refine it into a sexual signalling system.
You know, a red pen means I like to watch and make notes.
Blue pen, into animal experimentation.
Black pen, big bang expert.
And all three will do anything for a government grant.
In a first for Australian medical science this week, a robot being controlled by a surgeon
eight kilometres away assisted in an operation to remove a woman's gold bladder.
There was only one slight hitch in this week's operation.
The monitor the telesurgeon was working from was on the wrong channel.
And the robot accidentally removed Kerry-Ann Kennelly's kidney in front of a live studio audience.
TV programmers are hoping operations will appeal to young viewers.
Televised abdominal surgery already has a name. Teletummies.
Now it wouldn't be a science show if we didn't talk about lab rats.
A team of US scientists has analysed a sharp and brief whistling sound in rats
and discovered they actually laugh when they're being tickled.
Rat laughter is apparently so high pitched it's inaudible to humans.
It can be heard by dogs, but they can't see what's so funny.
This discovery means we can now test jokes on rats to see if they're safe for human beings.
Yes ladies and gentlemen, the whole Logies tragedy could well have been averted.
CSIRO scientists have discovered that mice who drink tea develop fewer skin cancers than mice who drink water.
It was a very complex experiment.
Thousands of mice. And you had to remember, you know, who has milk, who has sugar, and how many.
You know, and that mouse 462 wants chamomile.
The results of the CSIRO experiments are very simple.
If the tea is white with two lumps, it prevents cancer.
If the mouse is white with two lumps, it's probably too late.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the good news.
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Good evening. Tonight, burning the Bunsen at both ends, BA History, Class 3 Drivers Licence, Julie McCrossan.
BSc Physics, PhD Communications, LUV Cabaretist, Sue Stockle-Meyer.
And BA Honours, Pure Mathematics, MA Supermodel Studies Incomplete, Adam Spencer.
Playing Igor to their Dr. Frankenstein. He's a broadcaster and writer.
But you know him better as that stranger you warn your children about, Mikey Robbins.
She's the Chief Minister of the ICT, but you know her better as that nice lady in the chemist shop at Red Hill.
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And he's a mammalogist and bestselling author, but you know him better as that man who takes in stray possums and gives them a home in his underpants, Tim Flannery.
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So what is it with the whole possum thing? What did you do?
Did you take it for dinner first?
No, no, no. I gave it a few treat tamarulos to eat and then I put it in the undies and was hoping that it might survive the night.
But they had a good idea.
Why should it? Nothing else has.
And Sue? Enjoying life at the moment?
Absolutely. It's the best.
Great. Okay. Are you ready, camera?
Julie, Sue, Adam, what's the story here?
Little fishies.
Barrier reef.
Big fishies. Really mutated guys.
Sick, sick coral.
It all depends on your perspective. I mean, for some people the fact that the coral is going white at Barrier Reef is an environmental disaster. For others, it's a marketing opportunity.
And I like to think in the 21st century if we're going to survive an environment of privatisation, we look at white coral, we don't worry about the environmental impact of rising water here or whatever.
We just think get in a paint company and market it.
What people have to realise is that coral normally comes in a range of colours. Blue, red, yellow, purple, green. And most of us look at that and go, that's the beauty of nature.
John Howard looks at that and goes, that's inefficiency.
He gets Peter Reith on the phone. Peter Reith rings the Barrier Reef, close friend of his, and says, look.
Just pick one colour and settle on it by the end of the week or I've got some Japanese coral mate that's willing to come here and do the job.
Make your mind up.
We have actually got a scientist on the panel. Sue, what do you reckon is happening to the coral? Why would it be going white?
This is a hard question. I don't think it's fair to throw it on me.
Typical scientist.
Let's guess temperature.
Absolutely. The evils of global warming are killing our Barrier Reef.
You are right, five points.
Scientists are trying to assess the damages of the worst coral bleaching ever recorded on the Great Barrier Reef.
Due to the hottest Australian summer on record, large sections of the Barrier Reef have been permanently damaged.
This is prompted Jeff Kennett to offer to hold the reef in Victoria next year.
Micah K. Tim, make some sense of this.
Leaves.
Ah, your student days. I remember them well.
They're not any leaves.
No, they're not any leaves. They're teeth.
I'm sorry, I can say that I hate dentists.
I hate dentists too.
Oh, dad was a dentist.
Your dad's a dentist?
It's alright, but everyone hated him.
I think I inspired the old Solana Mepishanali there in the first shot, mate.
What, what, what?
The tobacco.
Solana Mepishanali.
Exactly, indeed.
You're in the pan though, it has to be marijuana.
It could be the new leaf, the new kind of non-spiny variety of marijuana, I suppose.
That's true, but we'll settle on the tobacco.
British dental technicians, now there's a contradiction in terms, have found out that if you have the sonenzyme, science week,
this enzyme can be extruded with the Bunsen burner,
and there's something in tobacco that can be used to stop your teeth decaying.
Does that mean in Canberra we'll end up with everyone outside the buildings brushing their teeth?
I'm going to give you five points, stop your right there.
I think everyone around Australia knows that with the very liberal dope walls you have in Canberra, people pop out once an hour for a bit of a smoke over a work thing,
and go, yeah, I'm buggering, I'm going home.
No, they come back with amazingly lateral views on life.
Scientists from Guy's Hospital in London have developed a vaccine from a genetically modified tobacco plant, which attacks the bacteria that causes cavities.
You can tell the vaccine is working because you end up with a mouthful of bacteria, all with little hacking cops.
Oh my God, he's got a curveball.
Then, instead of sticking to your teeth and causing plaque, those bacteria wash straight down your throat and eat the lining off your digestive system.
But hey, that's some other scientist's problem.
Time for the strange but true parade.
McCrossan, Stocklemyre and Spencer's clues are a 6-volt battery, a crowbar, in the wrong hands that could be very dangerous, and foliage.
So this encounters only one plant, yeah, Kate, hypothetically.
And Robbins, Connell and Flannery have clothing, grubby clothing, blubber.
Look, by the way, I want that back too.
The props are...
Can I just say, Kate, it was so sweet that you dressed to match the props.
That is so thoughtful.
And our last clue is bacteria.
A rather malodorous object, actually. I think it's a kebab of some kind.
But it's not from the ACT. It's from out of town, out of town, definitely.
So, okay, a kebab from somewhere else with bacteria.
Out of those other evil states that don't have dope and porn.
I think the reason we know it's not a camera kebab is, again, because of the marijuana laws you have down here, any kebab has a life expectancy of about four seconds.
And to get around to a roused, a game we called Buzzers of Death.
Adam and Tim will face off over a series of topical scientific questions.
Two points for a correct answer. No points lost if you're incorrect.
But you will look like a bit of a goose in front of all these people.
The name Buzzers of Death comes from the fact that I am holding two live wires that are connected to each buzzer.
When Adam and Tim buzz in, why don't you get the idea?
Please wait until the question has been completed before you answer.
And now let's check your buzzers before the start.
Adam?
Oh, that's the buzzer of death.
I tell you what, if you're at home and send the kids to bed, this could get pretty hairy.
Tim, you want to press your buzzer of death?
You do whatever you want.
Okay.
It certainly improves the hair style I've pulled out today.
You're never going to make it back in.
So, I don't know why I agreed to this, but if I push them together we all die.
Question one. In November the Earth's atmosphere will be hit by the most severe meteor shower in 33 years,
threatening 500 or so satellites currently in orbit. Although the debris will be very small,
one researcher says a meteor the size of a pea moving at 70 kilometers a second is equivalent to what?
Eight?
Ow! Ow! Ow! Yeah, good!
You see, wait, wait till the end! Wait till the end!
Get it on say that! Camera! Get on say wait till the end!
It's a competition, they have to beat each other. How can they wait till the end?
Because it's multiple choice.
There's one.
Get your hand away from the buzzer.
A. A piano drop from a three-story building.
B. A 357 magnum or worse.
Or C. A white hot bowling ball.
Adam's got it! Adam's got it!
Alright, which one is it? A, B or C?
It's B. A bullet from a 357 magnum or worse.
Let's just see if Adam's right.
A pea the size of a pea moving 70 kilometers a second is equivalent to a 357 magnum or worse.
Question two. Space shuttle Columbia returned to Earth this week with its menagerie of nearly 2,000 animals.
Half the rats on board died unexpectedly in orbit. Some were dissected, but one rat definitely made it back alive.
Why? Not yet!
A. A crew member became so attached to it he couldn't bring himself to kill it.
B. It has a cage booked on shuttle Discovery in July.
Or C. It got put behind an OPU, oxygen purification unit, and won't come out now.
Oh, god almighty!
It's definitely A. The crew member became so attached to it because there was nothing else living in the shuttle that could be used up to kill it.
What? When ordered to kill a rat he'd been working with for weeks, one of the crewmen apparently couldn't bring himself to do it.
Oh, that's it!
Watching that video reminded me there's nothing so funny as a small rodent creature attached to an electrical wire.
Oh, ha ha ha.
Question three. The Beijing Institute of Zoology is working on cloning a giant panda, but plans to inject the clones into another animal, possibly a dog.
Why?
A. Chromosomal similarities between pandas and canines.
B. Dogs normally produce multiple litters, increasing the chance of implantation.
Or C. A dog's fetus is in the womb for about the same length of time as a panda's.
Catch it, catch it!
Oh!
Paul, I've had a lot of babies with a lot of dogs in my time, and it's normally the fact that there's multiple litters. It's answer B, Paul.
Actually, I think with answer D, it would be fun.
Okay, let's see if he's right, ladies and gentlemen.
Because a dog's fetus is in the womb for about the same length of time as a panda's.
Oh!
Why couldn't you just get a panda and a dog together?
If we're in camera, there must be a video of it somewhere.
Question four.
U.S. company Kistler Aerospace is developing a reusable launch vehicle for communications satellites.
How do they recover the rocket after first stage separation?
A. It's designed to ditch in the ocean and survive up to 48 days in salt water.
B. Parachutes and airbags allow it to float gently back to the desert.
Or C. An orbiting retrieval shuttle collects it and returns it to Earth.
Oh, God almighty!
Ow! Ow!
I'm not doing this again!
Tim.
It's got to be that parachutes and airbags and other kind of people that appear on the show allow it to float gently back to Earth in the desert.
Is Tim right?
Parachutes and airbags allow the reusable rocket to float back to Earth less than two kilometers from where it was launched.
Let's hear it!
And at the end of that round, Adam got two points.
Adam Flannery four points.
And I have to go through life with a shame of knowing I was beaten in a scientific quiz by a man who puts possums down his underpants for fun.
Kistler Aerospace and the Australian government have signed a deal to launch the reusable rockets from Woonmura in the South Australian desert.
They decided to reuse old rockets when the new recycled rockets made out of cardboard and pet bottles kept bursting into flame on reentry.
The company chose Woonmura because they needed a lot of nowhere to be in the middle of.
And even if the rocket does go off course, it'll only hit Adelaide, so...
South Australia also beat out the other states because for every spaceship that's returned, you get five cents.
In the mood for a little scientific bad street theater, people? Yes?
Okay, Sue and Kate will present a vibrant visual version of a recent news story. Their teammates must decipher it as quickly as they can.
Sue, you ready for a topic?
Hey!
Okay.
Okay.
That's your topic?
Thank you, Paul.
Yeah, not as funny now.
Are you serious?
Yeah, yeah, you'll be able to do that, won't you?
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you, Sue.
Good luck out of here.
How do I have?
Your time begins now.
Okay.
Come here, little furry creature, and be my friend.
Free Willy, Free Willy, Free Willy the sequel.
Wiles, Wiles, Wiles.
Dolphin?
One dolphin.
Dolphin.
Dolphins are learning to communicate?
No, no, no, no, they're not.
Frustrated, frustrated.
Looking at dolphin, looking at dolphin.
Oh, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, dolphin.
Oh, yep, yep, um, um, sponge.
Sponge, sponge, sponge, sponge, sponge.
Dolphins are bludging and using our taxpayer dollars.
Spongey.
That's right.
There are these dolphins who won't do the washing up, but there are dolphins in Western
Australia who are wearing sponges on their noses.
Now, I don't know, call me a skeptic, but I didn't see all that.
I didn't see all that in there.
But Paul, what you're dealing with here is Mr. Science Week.
He's been down here in Canberra boning up on Science all week.
Actually, I am the dirty pervert who's been over there putting sponges on their noses going
ha ha ha.
Let's watch you beat yourself now, flipper.
That's all.
Fairly straightforward.
I have to tell you, I'm a lucky person who swam with dolphins in Western Australia.
It's fantastic.
And I've never seen a dolphin in me life.
It tastes a lot like chicken.
Experts have indeed discovered dolphins wearing sponges on their nose off the Western Australian
coast, but are actually baffled by the habit.
I think it's just another example of a symbiotic relationship.
The sponge-nosed dolphin is there for those times when the bottle-nosed dolphin tips over.
But I just think we should try to see this from the sponges' point of view.
This isn't a dolphin with a sponge on its nose.
This is a sponge with a dolphin's nose up its bum.
Ready to face your public, Kate?
No, but I'll do it anyway.
Home of porn, dope and mine.
Here we have a topic for you.
Here we go.
You're not serious.
Let me see.
Give me a hand with the big words, mate.
You are serious.
Yeah.
On television.
You're happy with that?
Do you want to sit on another one?
No, no, it's all right.
You sure?
We'll give it a go.
Your time begins now.
I'll be quiet because it's unusual for me.
Here we go.
What?
A tent.
Asia, try it out.
What is praying in a tent?
Chinese scientists, Chinese scientists, Chinese scientists, yes.
That knows a devil, bill of eight million.
Chinese scientists are confused about sex.
Chinese scientists have very large genitals.
Hang on.
I'm not the devil.
I know that Canberra has very liberal porn laws, but if you think penises are that big, Kate,
you've got to get out of the house more often.
Chinese scientists, Chinese scientists have invented a condom, have discovered a condom.
It won't break if you put it on.
A condom is hard as steel.
Contraceptive.
Chinese scientists have got a contraceptive.
Well, good on them.
More, more, more, more.
Okay, Chinese scientists.
Electricity.
An electric contraceptive.
Electricity.
Oh, hang on.
Couldn't mime the battery, could you?
Chinese scientists are using electricity to kill male sperm.
What?
Oh!
Chinese scientists have developed something.
It's a battery.
It's going to be some sort of contraceptive that you wear as an electrical implant in your
groin area, in the man's, in the lady, in a panda.
I don't care.
As warm as they love each other, Kate, I'll watch.
In their underwear.
Their underwear?
Yes, their underwear.
Oh, look.
Fantastic.
I think you might have gained a few more burgers than you lost.
Three points.
Let's hear it for Kate.
Remember about 20 minutes ago we were talking about Chinese scientists?
Well, they're hailing a new device which is attached to the underpants and kills off
sperm with an electronic pulse as a breakthrough in contraception.
Now, if a girl asks if you have protection, she's just making sure you're earthed.
The only question I have is if your battery goes flat, exactly where do you attach the
jumper leads?
My question is how quickly is it rechargeable?
You see, the trick is to have another man on standby.
The final event on the card is strange but true.
Julie Sue Adam, your clues were the battery, the crowbar, and hasn't that come in handy?
And foliage.
Actually, that foliage reminds me of a great work of science fiction, it being Science
Week, Day of the Triphids.
And it's oddly relevant to this story.
My understanding is that in Britain, a fiendish new system of home security has been developed
where instead of the fiendish dog or the recorded sound of a dog barking, they simply put triphid-like
cut plants all around when large sizes...
The plants have the crowbar and as you...
No, the robbers, Sue.
Robbers have the crowbar.
Robbers have the crowbar.
This is called, if you carry one of these, it's called...
What is it?
Are there any police officers in the room?
Something with intent.
No, that's called a confession, as far as I'm aware.
Julie Grodd, this is exactly what's going on.
There is a British scientist whose revolutionised home security, instead of alarms, instead
of lights, instead of devices, he's actually managed to attach electrical charge monitors
to house plants and rubber plants.
These things read the general level of electricity in the room.
When an intruder comes in and stands near them or brushes them, the heat raises the
electricity level and they activate a device.
The guy's name is Dr Hal Phillip and he works for the Quantum Research Institute.
And Quantum happens to be the name of the National Science Show on Thursday, 8pm on
Channel 2.
Electrified watch plants.
I've got to be honest with you.
They're right, ladies and gentlemen, four points.
British inventor Hal Phillip has come up with a home protection system to rival the watch
dog, the watch plant.
When some types of common house plant are linked to an electric circuit and small battery,
they can detect the presence of large objects, like burglars, and set off an alarm.
On a more deadly note, some species of South American succulent can be used to trigger
guns which fire at intruders.
Which means, if you unsuspectingly walk past one, you're cactus.
Mikey, Kate, Tim, what magic can you weave with the clothes?
The blubber and bacteria.
The blubber represents whale and from the taste I would say minky.
But, dead whale and there's bacteria growing on it.
Our scientists have found out that there is an enzyme.
It's like this, they're going, it's like this.
Which, let's say it's a bacteria that grows that can be used, the enzyme you take from
that can be used to clean clothes.
What you do is you boil it up and the fat comes to the top and then you make it into
soap.
I mean everyone's always done that, isn't it what everyone does to make their own soap
at home?
Maybe you're a free-wheeling sex pants camera.
Come on now, we're boiling up a whale, Kate.
Well, I'm not sure about this Bloomin' story that rotting whales are actually good for
your clothes, that's all I can say.
I've dived into the odd rotting whale as kind of a force, you know, when you're down there
and there's a stranding and there's a huge whale on the beach sinking, making awful noises
at each end and kind of floating up to a huge size.
You dive in?
But you have to, it's awful.
And if a big wave comes along, carries you out and you're in the middle of it with your
cleansing tools and stuff.
You're inside a dead whale floating out to sea.
That's right, exactly.
What a life, ladies and gentlemen.
Well, look, I'll go along, I'll go along with Mikey because you know.
And speaking of which, all the whole whale's out to sea thing, I think I'm from Green
Bruce's watching, next time ask me before you push me out to deeper water.
They are right, ladies and gentlemen, keep it going.
US scientists say enzymes.
Enzymes?
I don't know what an enzyme is, but I want one.
Produced by bacteria living on the corpses of dead whales could provide new biological
detergents that wash clothes cleaner in cold water.
Gray whales are good for getting out gravy stains.
Killer whales work wonders on blood and sperm whales are great for sheets.
Julian Cross and Sue Stocklemyer and Adam Spencer scored a Southern right 14 points.
Bleaching themselves in front of Mikey Robbins, Kate Carnell and Tim Flannery on a free willy 16 points.
So we say it's your shot, Tosh, and leave you with the good news that the disastrous coral
bleaching on the Great Barrier Reef has made scientists very worried, but Queensland police
very happy.
If the coral is dying, there's nothing for tourists to go and look at.
So tour operators will start abandoning Americans on land, which makes it much easier to find
the bodies.
Goodnight.
Good News Week returns next Friday with Robert Gottliebson and Margot Kingston for a post-budget
bash.
It's 8 o'clock next Friday night.