Thank you!
Thank you!
Welcome to Good News Week from the Queensland Performing Arts Centre as part of the 1997
Brisbane Writers Festival!
We were going to do the show from London, but at the last minute, Ray Martin offered us a fortune for the plane tickets.
And the big news? Embattled Senator Mel Colston is now a political party called Queensland First!
Though he is willing to quit himself for a better offer.
It's actually short for Queensland First, then Fiji, Rio, New York and Bali.
Mel likes his home in Queensland so much he's constantly, constantly going other places to appreciate it from a distance.
And he is the perfect man to represent the state of Queensland.
He's wide, windy and relatively empty at the top end.
If you're planning to party like it's 1999 on the last day of 1999...
Ow!
Forget it! John Howard says the new millennium doesn't officially start till January the 1st, 2001!
Why is John so worried about when the party is? I mean, it's not like he's going to be invited.
But what does he expect us all to do on December 31st, 1999? Stay at home and mine the computers?
What do you get when you combine 30,000 people and half a million tomatoes?
The Spanish town of Brunel's annual Tomatina Festival!
They now have an economy based entirely on treating tourists badly.
Much like we have on the Gold Coast.
Eventually everyone in Brunel is exhausted and covered from head to toe in bright red pulp.
And that's when the real fun starts because that's when they release the bulls.
This year's festival was actually a little different. The locals put down a layer of dough beforehand, then spread...
Wait for it, wait for it...
Then spread cheese and mushrooms on top after and called the town square a... Piazza Supreme.
At approximately 10.30am Eastern Standard Time on Sunday the 31st of August, the world was told the tragic news that Diana, Princess of Wales, was dead.
Less than two minutes later the world was told again that Diana, Princess of Wales, was dead.
Followed a minute later by the devastating news that Diana, Princess of Wales, was dead.
Now there are calls for new laws to control the media, but the paparazzi and the editors claim it's the fault of the people who buy the magazines.
They're just supplying a market.
Speaking of which, there used to be a market for slaves.
And there's still a market for child pornography. Why can't Women's Day get a piece of that action?
I'll tell you why. Because there are laws against it, that's why.
The good news is to stop this kind of tragedy ever happening again, the British government has implemented a camera buyback scheme.
Where you can trade in your fully automatic rapid fire Nikon for the handgun of your choice.
And that's the good news.
Thank you.
Good evening. Joining me in front of a sellout crowd tonight, the topical tropical Julie McCrossan.
Broadcast to a cultural ambassador for Brisbane, Queensland's own Jan Power.
And all the way from Kennetland, the scariest kingdom of them all, the moon tan man, Rob Quantzoff.
And they're stewing in their own juices with the heat seeking Mikey Robbins.
Tasmania's first lady of letters, the small but perfectly formed Margaret Scott.
And a comedian who's so laid back he just might be in a coma, Anthony Morgan.
Are you ready, Brisbane? Splendid. Julie Jan Rodd, what is this story?
It's a very dark room. That's right. It's an amateur video. Oh, there's a coloured wheel. Yeah, a raffle wheel.
I think that I see Jenny George through the gloom. Would this be I understand you've had the ACTU having a big conference up here.
Yeah, City Hall. You got any lights in the City Hall? No, they never made any lights in the City Hall. All off.
They all looked a bit off too. What are they talking about?
Well, it was the ACTU National Congress and they were talking about beating up the bosses.
Tearing them limb for limb, ripping out the livers of the ruling class.
And you'd be referring to collective bargaining. Collective bargaining.
The ACTU competition where you have to see who wins Bill Kelty.
Three points. Three points.
This week, Brisbane has been playing host to the 1997 ACTU Congress, which sounds a little like a position in the Kama Sutra.
That's where the union delegates bend over backwards to accommodate the workers while trying simultaneously to stick it up the bosses.
Bill Kelty's been busy on the Gold Coast too. He went to Wet n Wild and tried to organise a waterslide workers union.
And the Congress, the Congress is the same every year. You know, a few speeches.
The guys from CFMEU trashed the souvenir shop. Everyone sings Workin' Class Man on karaoke night.
And someone goes home in tears after a game of Pin the Mistake on the Work Experience Kit.
Mike and Margaret Anthony, some happening news for you.
That's Anne Margaret. No, it's not.
That's Chris Callum.
Chris Callum. And that's, oh, speed reading.
That's Bruce Baird, who's our minister for just hanging around and looking good in his tie.
Margaret.
Well, I know.
He said passing the buck.
Um, actually, what it's about is that...
It's actually about passing bucks, Rod.
Yes, what?
I mean, I know that was meant to be snide, but as it's turned out, it's given us the answer we require.
So...
What is it?
I know. I know.
Good. Oh, great. Good.
I know. What?
There was a fuss...
About?
About, um, travellers coming to Australia, young people...
Young people coming with visas...
Yes.
And taking jobs. And someone said they were taking jobs from young Australians.
Apparently tourists have been coming out here and taking our jobs.
They put this whole white paper saying, you know, we should stop this.
Whereas what we should all do is just learn the Swedish phrase for,
leave my windscreen alone, you backpacking bastard.
Essentially, young Australians are suffering from this.
Listen to the voice of reason there, Anthony Morgan. Who would have thought?
I think it's a complex issue, but I think it's one...
I think it's one that someone's got to be brave enough to stand up and address.
Are you that man, Anthony?
I will stand up in address at any moment.
Anthony, are you planning to stand for federal politics?
Yes, I am.
Oh, I'll reveal to you now, my election campaign will be based on,
I've got nothing better to do.
Great point.
Our parliamentary committee has recommended a crackdown on tourist working visas,
claiming foreign backpackers are taking Australian jobs.
Aussie kids, Aussie kids, are leaving school hopeful of a position in Australia squeegee,
or pamphlet handing out industry.
Only to find some suntanned dick brain named Sven,
has robbed them of a future.
Why don't we just gather up all Australia's unemployed, send them overseas,
then readmit them as backpackers?
That way, they'll all have jobs in a week.
The good news is the government is making progress on the unemployment front.
They're finding new people to blame all the time.
Before the show, as we enjoyed a very thorough cavity search at the airport,
both teams were given three clues to a recent strange but true story.
Macross and Power and Quantop, you have a violin case,
popcorn,
and a fish wrapped in newspaper.
Two fish!
Two fish!
Two fish!
I'll get them, I'll get them, I'll get them, I'll get them!
You've perhaps missed my performance as the world's only fish juggler.
I have a fish who likes popcorn!
Yeah, so, now, we've got a fish.
Anyway, they're our clues, Paul.
Well, I can only hope that Robin, Scott, and Morgan were given something as much fun.
They actually have a cricket stump,
Stump B!
Ink.
Oh, hysterical.
Ink.
And lastly, Batman.
Why do I always get this stupid hat?
We could make Margaret wear it.
Oh, well, yes, I could wear it.
You'd certainly be livin' up, Canberra, if you wore that.
Bites will get us into round two.
Jan, what is Tasmanian Green Senator Bob Brown talking about here?
It takes a need someone to break these ranks of absurdity, and that's me.
He'd be breaking the ranks of absurdity, Jan.
I think it's got something to do with closets.
Closets? I don't think he's in one.
I think it's about putting a bridge from Tasmania across to Victoria.
No! I object!
Oh, Mr. Kennett said you could have one.
Oh, he said I could have a lot of things. No! We object.
We should be pushing Tasmania further. Further.
We should attach a big winch to Antarctica and roll it in.
I think we should swap it with Ireland. That's not a bad idea.
I think he might be talking about the Constitution to discuss the Republic,
the gathering to discuss the Republic, and he was the person who broke ranks and said,
I'm not committed to compulsory voting.
I'm prepared to let the current federal government have their talkfest about the Republic.
I think that's what he's referring to. Is that what you were going to say, Jan? Yes.
Yes. You agree with her? Yes.
Two points.
The federal government has finally succeeded in pushing legislation through the Senate
for a Constitutional Convention on the Republic.
Having a voluntary ballot means there'll be a selective group of people who can't agree,
rather than a representative group of people who can't agree.
At the end of the day, this is an attack on one of our most cherished traditions,
having legislation stalled in the Senate.
Margaret, your vote from Democrat Senator Meg Lees.
I think this document shows us that there is nowhere in Australia that is safe from this government.
They're not talking about Jucha government.
She could be speaking of a university campus. She could. Yes.
A childcare centre. She could. Oh, yes.
A hospital. She could.
A nursing home. My joint.
Oh, yes. Your joint. My joint. Anybody's joint.
She could be the one in Kakadu. Kakadu!
Yes. That suddenly came to my mind.
Kakadu mine. Yes.
That's it, Margaret. Good.
Two points.
A second uranium mine will be operating inside Kakadu by the year 2000,
as the Federal Environment Minister, Bobby Hill, said there was no environmental reason why it couldn't go ahead.
In fact, Bobby says there's a good environmental reason why the Jabaluka mine should go ahead.
It'll mean there's a lot less uranium in a World Heritage area.
And that's got to be a good thing, doesn't it?
And ladies and gentlemen, think. Just think of the souvenirs.
You could have Jabaluka snow domes. Or should that be fallout domes?
Key rings that glow in the dark. Stubby holders that glow in the dark.
Goannas that glow in the dark. Body parts that glow in the dark.
And I can't wait to see Daryl Summers uranium-friendly ads.
You know, visit the top end. You'll never, never know if the never, never blows.
Round two goes out in a blaze of glory with Bad Street Theatre.
Mr. Quantop and Morgan will present a visual interpretation of a current news story.
Their remaining team members have to decipher it as quickly as they can.
Rod, help yourself to a topic.
Okay. Oh, thanks, Paul.
I'm not happy about this. I'm not happy about this.
And Rod, your time begins...now.
Typing.
Guns.
Killing. Killing. Sturbing. Killing.
Writers killing wildlife.
No, no.
Killing people.
Billy Joel to tour.
Writing crime thrillers. Writing crime thrillers with big noses.
Writing crime thrillers in drag.
With a snake on your head.
Time bomb. It's the history of the Second World War.
Isn't it like a...
Vanguards. Vanguards.
Not reindeers.
It's so clear what I'm doing and you are so stupid.
Could you just reinterpret that? That was brilliant, but two words.
Because you make Rod perhaps the attacks on the writer a little more Muslim based or something.
Salman Rushdie.
Salman Rushdie.
Kelly got married. Salman Rushdie got married.
Three times.
No, you've got it. Salman Rushdie got married for the...
Third time.
I must say that was a fantastic piece of teamwork from both teams.
Two points.
That's hot.
Salman Rushdie has married his long time girlfriend Elizabeth West in a secret ceremony in New York.
The bride wore white. The groom wore camouflage.
The wedding cake even had a little bride on top and a little groom hiding behind a meringue.
And now Anthony, can I interest you in a bit of Bad Street Theatre?
Yes, but I'll be doing it properly and not have like some amateur...
Read it.
Do I have to present this entire thing?
As close as you can I think. Off you go then Anthony.
Your time starts now.
Okay.
McDoom, McDoom wins World Championship. McDoom wins World Championship.
McDoom, McDoom in...
Good...I would...
Oh, it's...
People got mad on set of Blue Heelers.
One more, one more, one more.
He's got some more.
Okay, you are woman.
Be me raw.
Oh no.
You could be woman.
You're transvestite.
A judge.
Judge.
Judge says, policeman check this out. Look at that. That's incredible.
Now come round here, have a beer. I love you.
Okay, it's about the...
There's a biker gang shoot out in Mackay.
Yes, yes.
Right.
Right.
Mikey, what was going on with the wig?
It was a judge.
Oh, one of you say criminal justice.
Criminal justice.
Permission.
You're so good, I'm going to give you a big fat two points.
The criminal justice commission will personally monitor bikey activities after a shootout between the Outlaws and Odin's Warriors gangs in Mackay on the weekend.
Relatives have been asked not to send flowers, just amphetamines.
Roger and Julie, who's the odd one out here? We have from the catcher in the rye, JD Salinger.
From Home and Away, Isla Fisher.
From the Vatican, John Paul II.
And from the catwalk, Naomi Campbell.
I think it's about fish.
It's about fish.
We've got Fisher, we've got Fisher of Men, and we've got the woman from the catfish walk.
It could be about books, I'm thinking books, I think I understand Naomi Campbell has written some sort of a book.
Oh, she has, how many?
No, about life on the catwalk or something like that.
And I think that Isla Fisher has written a book about life in the soapy world.
Now, Salinger's clearly written a book, Catcher in the Rye, and as I understand it, his holiness doesn't write his own books.
His encyclicals are written by a massive number of bureaucrats in the Vatican.
The Holy Ghost writers.
That's right.
I reckon, I reckon it's the man in the red hat sealed one out because he uses a Holy Ghost writer.
You're on the right track with the books, the wrong conclusion.
Salinger's the only one who's written anything readable.
I'm going to give you three points for that, you're very close.
Only because I'm really generous, it is JD Salinger.
No one would read the others if they weren't famous.
That's what I said, hit my head.
That's why you got three points.
Thank you.
A new Polish film called Al God's Brother has been adapted from a play written in 1952 by Karol Witila, better known today as Pope John Paul II.
Al God's Brother is more interesting than his later plays where the actors just stand in a glass box and wave at the audience.
The good news is Hollywood has signed his holiness to a four-pitcher deal.
He's currently writing an action film in which terrorists take over the Vatican called Diocese Hard.
You can see where this one's going.
A story about a Catholic crime fighter with the working title Batman.
Papal attraction.
In which a mild-mannered Pope, played by Michael Douglas, is relentlessly pursued by 600 million insane Catholics, played by Glenn Close.
And the ultra-hip, ultra-violent Pope fiction.
Andrew Margaret Mikey, who's the unspeakable bastard here? We have Joseph Stalin.
Hello Joe.
The Khmer Rouge.
Hello Khmer.
Saddam Hussein.
Hello Saddam.
That's not him. Try the next one. No, no. Saddam Hussein. That's him. Down the bottom.
And Ray Martin.
Well, could it be that Stalin is the only one that has his own hair?
It's got something to do with trials and, you know, Khmer Rouge originally had a bit of a mock trial of their old mate Paul Butte.
And they said, was it you? And Paul went, yep. And they went, yep, we all saw you, so you've got to go and do some gardening.
You naughty old man.
Stalin sent all his mates off to Gulags after fixed trials.
Now Saddam had a whole bunch of, he put members of his family on mock trial for giving him shitty Christmas gifts.
And Ray Martin, what's the story with Ray?
Ray Martin doesn't operate on quite the scale of the others, would you say?
No. And Stalin doesn't have a loggie.
Stalin doesn't have a loggie.
So, so, so then.
So Ray is the only one who doesn't at least have a pretend trial before he judges people?
Not a Moustah.
Three points.
I think I did very well.
It is Ray Martin. At least the others pretend to have a trial before they condemn people.
Spot on.
He has no Moustah.
But all the Khmer Rouge have Moustahs.
After an expose on a current affair recently, Sydney electrician Benny Mendoza committed suicide.
ACA said it's not their fault Mendoza didn't know what to expect when they turned up.
Serves him right for being a today to night viewer.
But to set the record straight, ACA is planning a follow up report.
Where Mike Munro confronts Mendoza about why he refuses to answer their questions about committing suicide.
Macrossian is ten points.
Robinson is ten points.
Final round and it's going right down to the wire.
Julie, Jan, Rod, your strange but true tale is linked to the violin case.
Popcorn.
Popcorn, Jan, sorry.
And dead fish.
And dead fish.
Uh oh, here we go again.
Well this usually connotates one of two things.
Music, we are after all in a concert hall.
Yes.
Or crime, we are after all in a concert hall.
We are after all in a country where there is organized crime and we've heard of the mafia.
Or buskers.
Or buskers.
Which is a crime in itself.
You actually have no idea do you?
I understand in mafia circles when someone is about to die they put a dead fish in their bed.
They put a horse's head on the bed.
How does such a sweet little old lady know such things?
She's a killer.
Look, it's plainly clearly that it's a musical movie.
And this is a red herring.
And yes.
Very close, not close enough.
Two points.
A film shown at the recent Venice Film Festival claims to be the world's first mafia musical.
And stars 200 people with first hand experience of the cosinostra.
Hello, Gardi, well hello Gardi.
It's so nice to see you shot Gambino's son.
With the...
It was hard keeping track of everybody every time an actor sang.
He'd be bumped off by the rest of the cast.
So how did this film get to be made in the first place?
Well, the mafia made the director an opera he couldn't refuse.
Where did the fish come in?
You didn't mention the fish.
Wrapped in newspaper, mafia code for his sleep with the fishes.
See if there was like a bulletproof jacket in there.
That belonged to you.
And that was wrapped up with the fish.
All of a sudden I feel like I'm from Queensland.
Oh, they turn, don't they?
They turn.
They don't want to either, right?
Mikey, Margaret, Anthony, your strange but true clues were the cricket stump...
Stump, please.
Ink.
Ink.
Ink.
Ink.
And Batman.
What's going on?
Pretty bloody straight forward to me.
Yep.
Cricket stump.
Cricket stump.
Symbolic of the ashes.
But Australia just won.
Yep.
But we're not getting to bring back here.
No, we're not, are we?
It can't be.
And how do I know that?
I know that because somebody wrote an article in the papers.
So what's going to happen next, mate?
And it was John Howard.
Becoming the role of the Cape Crusader to say how shocking it was that we weren't bringing
the ashes home.
How are we going there?
Actually, that's all.
You were doing quite good bad.
It's due with writing.
Writing.
It's due with writing.
And actually, the cricket stump is symbolic of...
Ashes?
Ashes.
Ashes.
It's due with the ashes.
There was a guy in America who was a cartoonist for DC Comics who, when he died, he wanted
his ashes mixed in with ink and used to write cartoons, which is a lovely idea because when
I die, I want to be a speed hump in a leaky suburb.
Yeah, so a guy had his ashes put in the ink and put it up in a comic book, which is rather
touching really, for him.
It's warm, it's emotional, it's...
What do you think?
What do you think, Margaret?
What do you think, Margaret?
I have no idea.
Great!
You all right?
Comic book creator Mark Goodenwald's dying wish has come true.
His ashes were mixed with ink and printed into one of his comics.
So thank God he wasn't a pastry chef.
It presents a unique challenge for collectors.
Not only can you collect the complete set of comics, but if you buy every single edition,
you'll have the complete author, too.
Many celebrities are interested in the idea.
Madonna wants to be recycled as lipstick.
Charlie Sheen as a pack of ripped condoms.
And Michael Jackson as a daycare center.
Julie McCroslin, Dan Power and Ron Quantox scored a bright red 12 points.
Bravely succumbing to Mikey Robbins, Margaret Scott and Anthony Morgan on a soft pink 13
points.
So we say farewell to the Queen of Hearts and leave you with the good news that the
focus working on a remake of the classic 1963 film Sodom and Gomorrah, with all the rude
bits cut out, it's called And.
Good night!
And if you'd like to join us in the Good News Week audience at our Sydney studios, call
02 99503037 on Monday morning after nine o'clock.
And if you'd like to join us at the Good News Week audience at our Sydney studios, call