This industry's minister, Bronwyn Bishop, has created a ruckus by describing Australia's
five billion dollar Anzac frigates as floating targets. Our defences are in such bad shape,
Susie Moroney's swim was actually counted as part of the Australian Navy overseas deployment.
Bronwyn said if our defence forces don't become more aggressive, more formal and more frightening,
she'll just have to do it herself. But Bronny wasn't finished, she went on to label our
second-hand American landing craft as rust buckets, a term of affection usually reserved
for Pauline Hanson. Apparently we picked up the landing craft from a cash converters in
King's Cross after a US naval visit. Now we weren't allowed to inspect them first but the
Yanks did assure us that they'd been driven just twice a year by two little old admirals
who used them only once to menace a small Middle Eastern nation.
And there's nothing wrong with buying used craft from overseas. When we bought the West
Australia, we were assured the warship was lethal.
Melbourne Archbishop George Pell has caused a fuss by refusing communion to a group of gay Catholics.
In retaliation, the Melbourne gay community has threatened to refuse gay priests
their turn at the amyl nitrate and rubber gloves.
Patrick Stevedore's boss Chris Corrigan has unveiled his evil master plan to automate the
waterfront by replacing maritime workers with robots. I can't wait to hear a bunch of striking
warfies outside the gates of Port Botany chanting, you bubble-headed boobies!
You know, while the robots cruise up and down the wharves yelling, striking, striking,
danger Chris Corrigan, danger Chris Corrigan! I just wonder how long it'll take for robots
to start their own union and demand more recharging breaks, a bit of grade of oil,
and equal pay for photocopiers. You know, what do we want? Human emotions! When do we want them?
Now! Now! Now!
Despite the loss of ginger spies, the four other brave little tone deafies
have vowed to finish their American tour and also perform at a benefit for victims of Liberia's
civil war with Luciano Pavarotti. Yes, for one night only, posh, scary Sportium Baby will be
joined on stage by fat, hungry, horny, and hairy. Baby Spice is a little worried about performing
for Liberia though. She has a couple of overdue books and is frightened the Liberians
might ask her to bring them back. And that's the good news.
Thank you. Good evening tonight in glorious Technicolor, the handmade Julie McCrossan,
the free-range James O'Loughlin, and the highly polished Amanda Keller.
On the other side of the coin, old faithful Mikey Robbins, champion Australian netballer and lawyer,
young and vibrant Liz Ellis, and star of the castle, young Turk Stephen Curry.
Playtime. Julie, James, Amanda, what's the story here?
Sydney Channel. Good one. Olympics. Odd sport business.
A homeless guy. That was a beggar. Begging. Well, not begging. He was asleep. But had he
been awake, he would have been working, begging. And the government's decided they want to put all
the beggars, you know, all the homeless people off the streets, which the homeless people are
happy about, except there's nowhere to put them. They did this for the Atlanta Olympics. They did
this for the Barcelona Olympics. It's almost part of the Olympic creed. Let's just turn it into a
demonstration sport. People shoveling beggars off the street. Mind you though, Amanda, it is a fine
tradition going back to 1936 in Munich, except they just put the beggars in camps then.
I think it's terrible. They're saying all this for the Olympics. Like, you know, whenever they
build a road, you know, for the Olympics, don't drive on that, mate, you're Australian.
There's a park, you can't play there, it's for the Olympics. It's just to look at.
Five points.
The New City Council and the New South Wales state government are still arguing about whether
the homeless, beggars and street hawkers should be cleared off the streets for the 2000 Olympics.
But there have always been beggars at the Olympics. In fact, do you have any spare
chains so I can get home was the slogan of the Australian bobsled team at Nugger Oaks.
And there will be thousands of beggars at Sydney 2000. Most of them will be people who paid to get
a decent seat at the opening ceremony. Of course, the council doesn't want beggars around the place.
Ripping money off tourists is what hotels and official merchandisers do. But why not incorporate
begging into the games, you know? It'd give the third world country a chance to get a good
medal. Like Australia. We use the offending people to make the events more exciting. In the marathon,
competitors have to get past a wilderness koala, a Hare Krishna, a dozen school kids with legacy
badges and flick knives, a junkie with a blood filled syringe and then complete a Scientology
questionnaire. Mikey Liz Stephen decipher this. Well there is Mr. Given touch. Nice tie.
Isn't that where those two American divers are hiding?
That fish is to scale. It's 10 meters long and both American divers are inside of it.
Here's another funny one.
That's a global story. And some guy saying, hey, my name is Jonah. What's your name?
Senator Robert Hill, who's our... He's the Minister for the Environment. I knew that.
He's a sensitive and new age guy. It's a bit like giving Charles Manson a gun shop, really.
He's decided that we can't... Shouldn't happen.
Shouldn't happen. Won't happen. The Liberal government going, as it always does, after the
rise... No drilling for oil on the Great Barrier Reef because they figured out it probably won't
kill enough dugongs. Five points, ladies and gentlemen.
After a few measly weeks of speculation, John Howard has finally promised not to allow oil
and gas drilling on the Great Barrier Reef. Never, ever. The coalition denies ever supporting oil
shale leases in a World Heritage area. I mean, it's not like it's uranium.
And Environment Minister Bobby Hill says he's made up his mind on the subject, even though his
briefing papers still refer to the reef as the Great Barrier Shale Oil Deposit.
In their application to open leases on the reef, mining companies estimated that a shale oil
industry could generate exports of $500 million a year, create up to a million new jobs,
end ozone depletion, find a cure for cancer, and bring about a world peace that will last a
thousand years. I think they admit this may be a little optimistic, but even if most of their
predictions are completely wrong, they'll still make a shitload of money.
How did Senator Robert Hill become Minister of Environment? Do you reckon the Liberal
Cabinet of the United States would say, what's your name, mate? Hill. Environment, all right.
Woodshipping Tasmanian forests, mining in Kakadu, oil drilling on the reef. What's next? Crush up
Uluru for driveways? Why not? An Uluru driveway would be a lovely addition to any suburban home.
I mean, all the neighbours would drop over to watch it change colour as the sun went down.
Strange but true time, McCrossan, O'Loughlin and Keller's Clues are? A sparkling clean little pot,
a potato and matching skin removing utensil. Which I am offering to juggle for extra points
later in the show. And I'm hoping James will shave my legs with this. And this. Bunsai!
That apparently is a Japanese war cry. I apologise if I've just declared war on anybody. I was told
to say it. No, I think I actually shouted out, tiny plant.
No one gets to amaze me in the war movies. They're running over the hill going,
little trees, little trees. No, I can see it confuses the enemy because they all go, what?
Except for Don Burke is going, oh shit. Can we let the whole little tiny tree thing go?
Oh, mind you though, you can't tell someone who's really good at bonsai.
They can also make a tiny little dog. They have these really small little loggers
that come in and cut them down. Tiny little greenies to protest.
Are we quite finished? The really tough part is shrinking midnight oil to do the benefit gig.
And Robyn's, Ellis and Curry have bondage gear. Oh, is that what this stuff is? Oh, I didn't know.
A croissant. And this.
Oh, that's funny. I don't remember that scene in the castle.
We get this sweet, innocent young man on the program and we get him to make that noise.
And not the first time by the sound. Oh my God, it's Catwoman.
Or should I say Tabby Catwoman? Who's been at the whiskers again?
Mind you though, you haven't lived here too long trying to force my way through the cat flap.
To launch round two, the return of Spot the Bull. Amanda, Foreign Minister Downer has been
keeping a close eye on tensions between Pakistan and India over the past few weeks.
What was his keen assessment of the escalating nuclear conflict? Did he say it's a game of
suicidal dominoes that can't be won, only lost at a terrible price? Or did he say it's some sort of
gruesome boxing match where no one actually lands a punch? Or three, it almost looks like a macabre
one day cricket game where both of them are trying to get a bigger score. Suicidal dominoes? Trying
to kill yourself with dominoes? That's because you're one of those tiny greenies beside the tiny
tree. Ah, the dominoes! You should try to hang yourself from a bonsai tree.
I'm gonna start deducting points. A gruesome boxing match where no one actually wins like
Mike Tyson playing Vincent van Gogh, perhaps? An ear joke! And a macabre one day cricket game. Look,
I'm going to go with the cricket game. That's where the money is. Thanks, Glenn.
Okay, well let's just see if Ms. Keller is right.
Almost looks like a macabre one day cricket game where both of them are trying to get a bigger score.
India does five nuclear tests, Pakistan does six. Then over the border in Afghanistan,
5,000 people die in an earthquake. If this was a big dick contest, God won.
Which is amazing, because as we all know, God is a woman.
Thanks, sister! Anytime! The sisters are doing it for themselves because no one else wants to.
Thank you, brothers. The Pakistani president promised he'd build more bombs, even if his
people had to eat one meal a day. This has been received very well since it's one meal a day more
than most of them are getting now. And if Pakistan abandoned their nuclear program,
all those eight-year-olds would have to go back to making Nikes.
Spade your time over 100 meters, but with a little bomb in the shoe.
The new Nike thermos. Just do it. But their tourism industry is on the
verge of collapse with the government spending all its money on nuclear weapons.
The Pakistani tour donkey hasn't eaten in three weeks and can barely stand,
let alone carry 44 drunken Contiki tourists.
Liz, after being in the water for over 35 hours battling jellyfish, sea sickness, exhaustion,
and a badly swollen tongue, Susie Moroney was forced to keep swimming because a Cuban coast guard
wouldn't let her come ashore near a sensitive military base. What did swim coordinator Joe
Pignantillo have to say? So we're not very happy about that. Just wait till I see Castro.
Or three, better open another tin of baby poo.
He's saying stop calling me at work. I think number one's a bit of a furphy.
Furphy? I was going to say that. Yeah, sure you were.
I think he's actually saying you're wearing what colored undies?
It's the 90s. What better way to meet a woman than over the telephone?
Yeah, no, I um. I reckon we're going. Where are we going?
No, you. Hang on. Who is this whip?
Okay, no. The baby food? Oh jeez, that's a big hit.
Yeah. Tell me where they came from. Okay,
baby. I don't know, baby food. You take as much time as you want because
we're in no rush. It's only half hour program. In that case, I think number one.
Oh, good decision. We're going to come up with that ourselves.
What did Captain Joe say? So we're not very happy about that.
Susie swam all the way from Mexico to Cuba, nearly 200 kilometers.
And how did her coach, Dick Kane, describe her? A swimmer who showed little talent,
but loads of determination. Gee, thanks, coach.
I wonder how he trains his swimmers. Walks up and down the pool beside them,
shouting, drown, you useless bastards, drown. What do you have to do to be a coach of a
long distance swimmer though? Just go, okay, start and I'll be back tomorrow.
Tomorrow. Susie says she owes her success to her training routine. Every day she'd spend
six hours swimming against the spin cycle in a front loading washing machine with four blue
bottles thrown in. And she'd only get out for one minute every hour to be beaten senseless with a
cricket bat. She also says she wants to be an inspiration to all the people out there who've
ever dreamed of vomiting their way from Mexico to Cuba. As for the pesky coast guard, how much of
a threat did she pose? I mean, what did the Cubans think she was? A very slow torpedo?
I mean, the vomiting was her own fault. She should have had eight burritos before she left.
If a lone disoriented, vomiting, exhausted swimmer is a cause for alarm, I'm thinking
it might be time to reevaluate their security. But you can still, you know, you see the point.
You see their point. The good folk at Pine Gap would probably panic too if someone wandered
through their outer perimeter in swimsuit goggles and a generous coating of lard.
Or it could just be Mikey down the swimming pool.
The good news is the Spice Girls have asked Susie to replace ginger
as fishy spice. They figure if she can withstand 38 hours of rough seas, jellyfish and a swollen tongue,
she has the stomach to endure posh singing. That's sort of dancing which she brings to the band.
Because posh is the one I feel sorry for now that ginger's gone. Why? Because posh used to hide
behind ginger. I mean, that's why ginger had the big shoes so posh could follow the dance steps.
Moving right along to Odd One Out. Teams for your enjoyment tonight, Bill and Ben, the flower pot men,
the European wasp, the Goliath snail and Don Burke.
Jesus, you should have worn the kiddies. You're the kiddies at home.
Don Burke's the only one without an adjective. Flower pot men, Goliath snail, European wasp.
Don Burke. Actually, I left Don's an adjective. Well, let's have the first crack at it. The odd
one out is Bill and Ben, the flower pot men, two men I've admired for many, many years
because of their grasp of the English language. Don't they have their own mardi gras float as well?
Bill and Ben are being made into a feature film. Imagine Arnold Schwarzenegger as...
Do you want to have a crack at this too?
Oh, come on. I think it's a matter of pests in the garden.
Bill and Ben, the flower pot men, are the only people that you will want in your garden.
Oh, look, the snail and the wasp and Don Burke will kill you very slowly,
but Bill and Ben go at it hard and fast. If that's a European wasp, why hasn't it got a
jaunty mustache and a smoking jacket? I agree that it's Bill and Ben are the only ones you'd
want in your garden because the wasp would sting you, the snail would eat your garden,
and that other bloke with the beard rearranges everything. So who are you saying? Bill and Ben.
Bill and Ben. Bill and Ben. But we thought it a long time ago.
It is Bill and Ben, the flower pot men. If the others get into your garden, there'll be all sorts
of trouble. So I'm going to give you three points each, ladies and gentlemen. Be happy.
Bill and Ben, the flower pot men, who gave us such expressions as flottelplop, flottelflop,
are making a comeback after 27 years. Bringing the pair out of retirement is costing 2.5 million
dollars. Apparently their full names are Bill and Ben Seinfeld. The original show was cancelled when
the producers caught Bill flottelflopping Ben's flottelplop. Then when the comeback idea was
floated, the original Bill and Ben asked for too much. They offered shalupa lupa lupa lupa,
but demanded shalupa lupa lupa lupa lupa. Then they thought about reviving Andy Pandy,
but he grew up to be a hopeless alcoholic, and Lou, and Louby Lou is making too much money as a
porn star. So they turned to state-of-the-art animation to bring Bill and Ben up to date.
But critics have attacked the new show over its tough story lines and streetwise language,
including words like flottelhead and mother flottler.
Garden variety McCrossens on 10 points.
Wheaty Robins is on 10 points.
Strange but true will wrap it up. Julie James Amanda, your clues were? That sort of pot thing.
Not really a pot. Potato and peeler? And... What day?
Let's not start that again. It's meant to indicate, as I understand, the Japanese army.
Is that Japanese for pie-o? I wouldn't think so either.
Have there any pot things that are meant to indicate that?
Are there any points that we can... I'm stuck on this. I'm sorry.
Never watched Going to Pile? Yep.
Pile! They were in the army.
Thank you very much. I've been Stephen Curry.
Was Pile related to Senator Robert Hill? Maybe he could be the Minister for Minerals.
Let's wind this one back in. I reckon we're dealing with army.
I don't think we're just dealing with army because of the PILARES!
PILARES!
I do remember Going to Pile constantly peeling potatoes, which is what they do in the army.
So this is definitely army. And it's definitely Japanese army.
And it's utensils useful in the kitchen.
What's this bit about? The Japanese army are getting into some sort of Avon Amway surreal.
We're going with this, okay?
They've stopped taking a massive interest in the non-military defence forces, which they're not allowed to have, but they have anyway.
And they've started just selling them.
And if you think about the army being incredibly effective door-to-door selling, they're knock, knock, do you want to buy something? No. Are you sure?
Fandoo under the fingernails.
An Avon lady with a tank is a scary thought.
DING DONG!
If you don't buy anything, they just kamikaze you and strap bombs to them and run into your house.
Which is great because then you need the vacuum cleaner.
And take photos of you at the same time.
So the entire Japanese army are more interested in selling things to each other.
They're protecting the country from the people who aren't trying to attack it.
They are right ladies and gentlemen. Give them a big round of hand-hours.
And for one extra point ladies and gentlemen, for the juggle, don't break your phone.
Can I just point out here that we two are also willing to do a slight performance.
It wouldn't work for many but it certainly works for me.
Hi, I'm Mikey. Double O, double five.
And they were right three sergeants in the Japanese army have been censured for enlisting 20 other soldiers to moonlight as Amway salesmen.
Japanese soldiers take Amway's aggressive sales techniques to new heights.
You're relaxing in your bubble bath amidst its sub-surfaces.
And the crew starts demonstrating shower products.
The reps deny Amway is a threat to military discipline.
They say there's no reason the Japanese army can't be a terrifying fighting machine and have a really effective moisturizing routine as well.
The bad news is one of the soldiers retreated into the hills and will probably go on selling Amway for years.
It's pretty sad they have to drop pamphlets. We do not need your cleaning products.
Mikey lives, Stephen. Had any luck with bondage gear?
Oh yes, I'm not the show though.
That croissant and...
Ah!
You know those magazines that say what's in your handbag?
Well, a man of Anstone.
The croissants actually indicate France I believe.
Yes, I was thinking Kinky Baker. I mean something like that.
I believe that was a Rick James song from the mid-70s.
Kinky Baker, Kinky Baker, Kinky Baker.
Put the bun in your oven, Kinky Baker.
That song made no dough whatsoever.
I'm sorry, it was the yeast I could do.
We can roll around with this idea for hours, but we're going to loathe it alone.
No more puns. No more puns.
This is a French story. The Marquis de Saad who invented sadism.
And croissants?
Yeah, but his old chateau was going to be a... you're going to stay there. It's a motel, it's a hotel.
B&B, B&B, IJ.
I think it's going to be called a country discomfort.
You know I've got an extra point for juggling. I could form a human hoop.
And you could throw a croissant in it and get a point.
This may get in the front of your dress, Julie.
I think not.
That's okay, I'll get it out.
Anyone got any other skills they want to demonstrate in front of anyone?
I mean, it doesn't seem to matter what it is.
I'm sorry, we've been playing with potatoes and props and I've got the bag of fun here.
You're right!
In Paris, the childhood home of the Marquis de Saad is being turned into a bed and breakfast chateau.
Catering to those who share the same fantasies.
A recent review in Fetish Monthly summed it up.
The beds are uncomfortable, the people who work there are rude and aggressive, and the food is shit.
Five stars.
There have been some problems with the breakfast though.
One patron had to send his enema back because it was cold.
Or if you prefer a more traditional fare, you can have your eggs fried, scrambled, poached, whipped, humiliated, or walked on in stilettos.
The toast is always burnt before being spread, rather like the guests, and the pa...
And the patrons are asked not to bring children.
They can be ordered through room service.
Honor the Michael Jackson special.
The proprietors were planning to operate a chain, handcuffs, leg irons, studded leather straps.
And the original marketing was also aimed at masochists.
But they just read the brochure over and over again and deprived themselves of the joy of booking in.
The bad news is the idea hasn't been a success.
Guests can't tell the difference between a bed and breakfast run by sadists and a B&B run by regular French people.
Does the sadist or the masochist wear this?
Yes, it looks bad.
Because he looks stupid.
It's like, you're walking to the bedroom, I am going to beat you.
No, you're not.
By the way, is anyone thinking, Vel Kilmer, no, George Clooney, no, Mikey Robbins?
Yes!
Julie McCross and James O'Loughlin and Amanda Keller scored a sadistic 14 points.
Walking all over Mikey Robbins, Liz Ellis and Stephen Curry on a masochistic 13 points.
Yep, it was the juggling that did it.
So we say goodbye Phil Hartman and his lovely wife.
And leave you with the news that a lot of people thought Chris Corrigan's idea for a fully automated waterfront was a winner.
Until they realised the system would have to be shipped in from overseas.
Good night.
Good News Week returns with Wordsmith Margaret Scott.
And the battle of the scientific masterminds Adam Spencer and Karl Krzyzlnicki.
8 o'clock next Friday night on ABC.