Welcome to Good News Week, coming to you tonight from the Lloyd Williams Memorial Hall.
As part of the 1998 Melbourne International Comedy Festival.
And the big news? John Howard is in the middle of a conflict of interest scandal for something he says he wasn't even making any money out of.
Gee, even his junior ministers can do better than that.
The Prime Minister has admitted that he forgot that he was a director of a public company, the Menzies Research Centre.
But what's the problem? It's not like the Menzies Research Centre had a lot to do.
You know, once a year, once a year, they'd all get together and someone would say, you know, is Menzies deep?
And someone else would say, yes.
Pity.
And then they'd all go home.
By failing to resign from a company which received a hundred thousand dollar grant from the federal government, it seems the Prime Minister may have breached his very own ministerial code of conduct.
And why not? Everyone else has.
But come on, you know, another conflict of interest?
Isn't it about time the government had a decent sex scandal, you know?
Or a video of Peter Costello snorting cocaine off Peter Reath's head?
Wouldn't that be the way to go?
Victoria's privately run Port Phillip Prison has come under attack again, this time for keeping an ambulance waiting outside the gate for 15 minutes because the only guard on duty couldn't find the keys.
You know something's seriously wrong when the prisoners complain there aren't enough guards.
Things are so bad, even the guards are expected to carve their guns out of soap.
Stay with me.
Geoff Kennett, of course, is standing by the prison operators, promising there will be more guards as soon as he can buy some cut-price teenagers from the Work for the Doll scheme.
There was a major diplomatic incident in Australia this week when visiting Argentine President Carlos Menem was given a dry as a bone as a gift and mistakenly walked off with Tim Fishers' Acoubra hat as well.
And Tim never goes anywhere without that hat. I mean, it gives his head something to do.
And the Nationals couldn't afford to lose it either. I mean, apart from Tim, it's more widely recognised than anyone else in the party.
Any doubt about which way Independent Senator Brian Haridine was leaning on the Native Title Bill disappeared this week when he kicked off his shoes to join in a traditional WIC tribal dance.
Look at that, you can almost hear Brian singing, it's just a jump to the left, it's just a step to the right.
Haridine is fascinated by old indigenous culture. He's a Tasmanian, they got rid of theirs a long time ago.
But if trying to be an Aborigine helps him understand the effects of the WIC legislation, maybe Brian should try to be a woman next time abortion laws come up.
And that's the Good News.
Thank you, good evening.
Tonight in the flesh and what flesh it is, the statuesque Mikey Robbins and two of the international stars of this year's Comedy Festival.
That gorgeous strumpet Jenny O'Clair and the best friend of Alan Parker Urban Warrior, in fact the only friend of Alan Parker Urban Warrior, Simon Mullery.
And they're getting up close and personal with the majestic Julie McCrossan. He smashed the box office at the 97 Melbourne International Comedy Festival.
He sold out in Edinburgh, he is the Irish sex god Ed Byrne.
And direct from the council chambers and his all new show, Crown of Thorns, the national treasure, Mr Rod Quantock.
Are you ready Melbourne?
Okay, good enough. Mikey, Jenny, Simon, what's the story here?
Right, is a... wheat and that's a bloke saying I love you.
Aeroplane.
People getting off a plane.
Pattern, a pattern.
Oasis of touring Iraq.
You've been on top of Iraq.
I'm completely clueless because I didn't come here to read your newspapers, I came to sleep with your men.
It's a diplomatic story because apparently we annoyed Tairaq Aziz, which I believe is a dip.
By supporting the US sending troops over there, I don't know why we do it all the time, we just love doing it.
Interfering.
We love to interfere. We're a busybody nation, Jenny.
And they've said that once the sanctions are dropped, they won't join us in a wheat for anthrax scheme.
Now I understand. Thank you.
No, you understand?
Yes.
I've no idea what's going on.
Five points ladies and gentlemen.
Yes, the Iraq government is finding the presence of Australian troops in the Persian Gulf so annoying that they've threatened to boycott Australia's multimillion dollar wheat and dairy exports.
And without dairy for cheese and wheat for bread, there'll be big changes at the Baghdad McDonald's.
Suddenly a Big Mac will be two beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, pickles, onions on a sesame seed.
But let's not forget that Iraq needs Australian milk to keep their powdered milk factories busy.
And they need powdered milk factories because without them the anthrax distilleries in the back shed will look really obvious.
Julie Edrod, Enlighten Us.
Electrical districts, map and finger.
And a man.
A tremendously interesting intellectual from a state to the north, Irish friend.
Was that Bob Carr's finger trying to find his way back to Sydney on the map?
What's gone on up there up in New South Wales is the allegedly fiendishly clever right wing of the Labour Party in New South Wales, which is meant to be a professional machine, have started up something that's like an exploding cigar in the mouth.
They've slid on a banana skin, redistributed the seeds.
I'm sorry, calm down. There are too many metaphors. Please, slow down.
When things go really wrong in Ireland, how would you put it?
A bomb.
That thing's going according to plan.
Look, they've essentially changed the electoral boundaries in New South Wales and to the horror of the incumbent Labour government it's gone badly wrong for them.
Two of their ministers likely to lose their seat and shock horror of the coalition may even get in next time.
Apparently they're also given some new gun control laws as well as to prevent themselves shooting themselves in the fort again.
Ladies and gentlemen, five points.
They are right.
New South Wales Premier Bob Carr's plan to secure re-election by redistributing electoral boundaries has backfired with a new electoral map showing that he's probably redistributed himself right out of government.
In fact, the new map is such a disaster for the ALP, it's a disaster for the government.
It actually looks as if Joe might get to be Prime Minister after all.
The redistribution was the last chance for Labour to get an edge in New South Wales.
Now they have to resort to their last ditch emergency strategy.
Coming up with a policy.
Before the show as we taunted the Iraqis with our yoghurt.
Gee, you've got short memories.
Both teams were given three clues to a recent strange but true story.
For Robbins, Eclair and Munnery we have a walking frame.
Can someone change my depend?
Handcuffs.
I've got these, it's so far looking a bit like Saturday night at my house.
And some doilies.
I have a doily.
And McCrossen, Byrne and Quantock were given a horse's head.
I thought we might do a midsummer...
Go move, just go move.
Move!
Look at that, the amazing Mrs Ed.
I wanted to do a bottom Shakespeare joke but Rob said Melbourne wouldn't get it.
Give it a shot.
I tell you what though, Sydney will get a bottom joke any time.
And I've got...
Some poppies.
Some poppies.
And an unpleasant statue.
Unpleasant because of the...
The pigeon poo.
Other than that she's a rather lovely looking lass.
There it is, that's fine.
To get round two, moving, bites.
Simon, what is this hunky TV heartthrob talking about?
It's just terrific, I love it here.
I don't know why I'm here.
I tell you what, if Don Burke sees you in that shirt you're not going to be a happy man.
Is there anyone to answer there Simon?
You want a liaison?
He knows here, he knows here.
I know, sure.
Is Matthew Perry from Friends?
I've suddenly remembered.
We knew that.
Yes and they're in England, they're in England because they're shooting an episode.
They're shooting Friends in England, I'd hate the ammunition myself.
And you know our frankly royal trollop, Fergie.
She's going to be in it.
Is it going to be a speaking part?
It's probably a whinnying part.
It's a toe sucking part.
On behalf of my team, it is Matthew Perry, heartthrob from Friends, in England, shooting Friends, shooting Fergie.
It's a big shooting party over there really.
And going to lap dancing parlours.
Who is?
Matthew Perry, because you know you go to England, there's a house apartment, you can do this, you can do that.
He went to a lap dancing club.
I thought he was there.
Yeah, you wouldn't have a lap big enough.
Anyway, look.
No, that was wrong.
Thank you for judging me so harshly then.
I realise my mistake.
Three points.
Fergie, Duchess of York has filmed a cameo appearance in London for the US sitcom Friends.
The show's director was concerned about giving the Duchess a speaking part though,
mostly because Fergie's own speaking part is usually preoccupied with chocolate eclairs, doughnuts and pork fat.
You've turned.
It's not a weight problem, it's a gland problem.
I know, I suffer it too.
We eat a lot of glands.
You are actually marvellously fat.
He's just sitting here slightly wobbling, it's lovely.
This is only the beginning for the royals.
Fergie is also working on a new cooking show for the BBC called One Fat Lady.
Prince Philip is shooting a pilot for his own version of Healthy, Wealthy and Wise called Wealthy.
And the Queen has come up with her own royal medical drama, ER.
Rod, your bite now from this terribly important man.
There will be a penalty for carriers up to $10 million.
I reckon it's a great tribute to the way this government respects the portfolio of finance
that they could put this man of incomparable stupidity in charge of it.
Look, I don't agree that...
That's John Fay.
It is, you've picked him.
That was John Fay and he was saying...
He was, for those of you who missed it, I'll translate.
He was talking about the Telstra float, the opportunity for all Australians to become owners of Telstra.
Hands up if you're an owner of Telstra at the moment.
100%. Will you be an owner when it's privatised?
No, because we only get poor bastards into this show.
A big concern about the privatisation of Telstra is that if it goes into private hands,
private enterprise may exploit the great mass of rural Australia.
I know it's unbelievable, it couldn't happen.
People who bring you cigarettes and nutritional torn flakes...
...would not in any way exploit Telstra.
So John Fay has said that if anybody who buys Telstra mucks around with its services
to the detriment of the average Australian, they'll be fined $10 million.
And everyone in the country will be given two 10s and a very long piece of string.
Three points on Zulia Zola.
Oh, I love that tension.
To allay the fears of country people, the federal government is introducing legislation
that allows the fully privatised Telstra to be fined up to $10 million for poor service.
So how come when the pizza boy is late, you get a free pizza,
but if the phone repair man is late, the government gets $10 million.
In a counter-attack, Telstra plans to put Senator Warwick-Pera on their board of directors,
because everyone knows he's exempt from prime ministerial standards.
To wrap up the round, a dose of bad street theatre.
Jenny and Ed will present a visual interpretation of a recent news story.
Their teammates must decipher it as quickly as they can,
otherwise the Tokyo Shop Boys will come out and superglue our heads to their buttocks.
OK, Jenny?
Is this mime? I'm not good at this sort of thing.
That's a no, you'll be fantastic.
The mime with trousers.
It's given me terrible thrush, but very nice trousers.
Now then, what's this?
If you could just read that.
Don't show the team. Don't show the team behind you.
And I have to...
Mime that.
Mime that.
Every single word.
I'm not good at mime, but I can put this leg around the back of my head.
No, I'm not good at mime.
You've just become suddenly more attractive.
I'm hurt.
Jenny, your time begins now.
OK, all legs over the head again.
Car. You're sitting in a car.
You're sitting in a car, you're aggressive, you're rude, road rage, you're angry, you're kicking your own car.
I just went and did that.
She's holding her private hat.
That's not part of it.
OK, that's one bit.
Stop talking.
Oh, shut up.
OK.
Right, this is the other half bit. This is the alternative.
Jenny, walking.
You want a good day.
Getting into a very tiny car.
Hello.
Happy, happy, kissy kissy, smiling.
I can't think what else to do with that.
I've done my best.
Was that very poor? I'm so sorry.
But you get it, don't you?
Because you've seen it.
Jenny, do the first bit again.
The car driving.
Oh, what?
Is it car driving?
Or is it the four wheeled car driving?
Is it car driving?
You are such a good mime artist.
Well, this has something to do with a new story this week about four wheeled drive car drivers.
Yes!
Who might be slightly more aggressive than normal two wheeled car drivers.
Yes!
She's incredible.
Of course, the whole thing became so much easier when she started talking.
And I think that's a lesson to all mime artists out there.
Just shout.
Just shout, you idiots.
I'm walking against the wind.
You did get it right.
How many points?
Well, you cheated.
I don't know if anyone else noticed.
One point.
One point.
Two points. I'm going to be hard.
For those of you who didn't quite follow what was happening,
a study by the Federal Office of Road Safety has found that a four wheel drive is 27 times more likely to kill than a family car when the two collide.
But four wheeled drivers don't kill on purpose because the size of their vehicle, they don't even notice they've wiped out another car.
They just think they're speed bumps.
There is some good news for sedan owners though.
A sedan is 50 times deadlier than a wombat when they collide.
Unless the wombat is in a four wheel drive.
That's a job I'd like actually.
Being a speed hump.
Nice leafy suburbs. Hello. Slow down.
Wouldn't you be rather more of a road block though?
Now I can interest you in a little bit of the Bad Street Theatre, Mr. Byrne.
They get the man with the cutest accent on the show to do mine.
As far as the accent goes, he's from Geelong.
This isn't even true, is it?
Yes. Yes. Sadly it is.
Ed Byrne, your time begins now.
I always think it's just miming where it is without being offensive is the most difficult thing.
Kung Fu, Tai Chi, Asia.
Eating with chopsticks, eating a very healthy food.
Chopsticks, chopsticks, Chinese food.
Eating the corpses of karate victims.
I'm not getting down to anything so specific just yet. China.
He's talking!
But he's doing it in an accent.
You're going to inject something in your ass.
You've lost a finger.
Everybody knows the syllable sign.
Four syllables? They're Australian, they won't get it.
Chinese are counterfeiting.
One-eyed legless.
That's mine, baby. That's mine.
Just to rub it in, show them how you do a car.
Alright, you've just...
Condoms!
Pirating condoms!
Pirating condoms!
China, he's a pirating condom!
Ladies and gentlemen, we normally only give three points for that, but because it was so outstanding...
Four points!
Durex, the world's leading condom manufacturer, says counterfeiters are now selling pirate condoms on the Chinese mainland.
What about this for a slogan?
Pirate condoms for a Jolly Roger.
It's like this. You fake being in love with her to get her interested, right?
She fakes having great breasts to get you interested.
You use a fake condom and she fakes an orgasm.
Then you give her a fake phone number and she fakes intending to call you.
It's the perfect 90s encounter.
It's very easy to spot the fake condoms. They have Rolex written on them.
And much like a fake Rolex, the condom stops working five minutes after you put it on.
Not a real problem for most men.
Some Chinese condoms, however, actually offer better protection because they're made from leftover car tire rubber.
And it takes a bloody keen sperm to get through a steel belted radial.
Mind you though, they're better in the wet.
The Fertile Robinses are on ten points!
The Fruitful McCrossens, 12 points.
Final round now. Anybody's game? Mikey, Jenny, Simon, your strange but true clues were...
The walking frame.
Yep. Oh, that would be upsetting, wouldn't it?
Some toys.
The handcuffs.
And the oil.
Time for a pruning.
I'm going to have a go if you think you're hard enough.
It's getting feisty now, ladies and gentlemen.
This is an Italian story. A chap, an Italian chap, killed someone.
This is, yes, this is rather sad, isn't it?
Well, he went to court and instead of being... I'm under a lot of pressure here.
Instead of being sent to prison, he was sentenced to 18 years house arrest with his grandmother.
No. Is that true?
18 years, hence the doilies, because that represents... the doilies and the zimber frame represent grandmother.
Did he play vicious sex games with his grandmother?
Yes.
That's fine then.
He didn't, but it's an eight o'clock time slot, so I'm going for it.
Instead of being sent to prison, sent to the big house, they decided that the most humane thing to do,
because his grandmother needed the company and he needed to be punished,
was 18 years of someone going, you've got something on your face.
Jenny, anything you want to add?
No.
You want to talk about anything in particular?
Not now, thank you.
Oh, okay. Simon?
I have another doily. It's bigger than the first one.
That's a bloody big doily.
It's an embarrassment of doilies.
It's just as well as his grandmother was still alive, really,
otherwise they would have had to bury him.
It is very sad, but Mikey is right, ladies and gentlemen.
Three points for everybody.
25-year-old Italian, Christian Pavese, convicted of murder,
has been sentenced to exactly 18 years house arrest at grandma's place.
That's wrong.
18 years.
18 years of here and what we used to do before television.
We used to invade other countries.
There was a Roman man on murder. He had to change his plans.
Dury found him guilty. They gave him 18 years at grand.
She said, I ain't spending my life here.
She's 82 when in world.
By 2060, she'll be dead and starting to smell.
Gonna make the pill break.
Thank you.
You made my mom look really boring.
But you know the worst thing about jail at your grandmother's?
Communal showers.
Oh!
Julie Ed Rod, your story is tied to the horse's head.
Yay!
Poppies and statues.
Now, I've got thoughts, but I want to hear the Irishman speak,
because I have to admit I love the accent. What do you reckon, mate?
This is a stunning coincidence.
This is a story that just happened in England just before I left.
A man who fed his horse with flowers and turned into a statue.
No, no, look, it's obvious.
The horse's head is the mafia. You can't get away with that.
And the poppies are for Remembrance Day.
And the mafia are going to have a sort of annual day,
a sort of Anzac Day for dead mafia contract killers.
Yeah.
And the statue is irrelevant.
That's really tough.
Well, because you're from Melbourne, you're what I call partly right.
We're going to be nice to be, are you? Oh, partly right.
Because I do think... No, ladies and gentlemen,
I know that sounded a little cruel, but let me explain what I mean.
We in New South Wales are the people who really understand organised crime.
This does represent the mafia,
but I think this represents the growing of poppies that we see in Tasmania.
What?
Well, in Tasmania, we grow poppies for heroin and opium.
Who's we?
I think our government does for medical purposes.
And this is a story about the mafia using pigeons,
carrier pigeons, putting tiny, tiny, tiny bits of heroin
of a tremendously high quality, little things on their foot,
full of heroin, and flying them over to people who want that product.
And each carrier that doesn't deliver the heroin is fined $10 million.
That's fine. Don't say.
Oh, that's bad. It's a leap.
They're right, ladies and gentlemen.
Naples police have seized 50 carrier pigeons, allegedly used by the mafia
to carry heroin and cocaine to clients in other parts of the city.
At one stage, drug bosses were also using the birds to deliver marijuana,
but clients kept getting the munchies and eating the pigeon.
Mafia bosses have defended their use of the birds.
A pigeon could have a worse life. It could be used to open Crown Casino.
Mikey Robbins, Jenny Eclair, and Simon Munnery scored a roasted 13 points.
Shot down in flames tonight by Julie McCrossan, Ed Byrne, and Rod Kwantok
on a scorched 17 points.
For now, we'll leave you with the good news that John Howard says
Brian Haradine's Aboriginal dancing was nothing.
When the Telstra sale goes through, the front bench has worked up a routine
that will knock Australia's socks off.
And Amanda Vanstone doing the splits will bring the house down.
Literally. Good night.
Good News Week will be back at the Comedy Festival next week
with Linda Gibson, Rich Hall, John Hegley and Adam Spencer.
8 o'clock next Friday.