confidence doesn't it?
but we don't need John Howard carrying on like that overseas
that's why we've got Tim Fischer
Kevin Costner claims he had secret negotiations with Princess Diana
to co-star with him in a sequel to The Bodyguard
if only she hadn't insisted on doing her own stunts
of course Kev will have to cast someone else in the lead
but he still thinks Diana might be able to play several small parts
but we want to silence this ugly rumor that on the night of her death
a distressed Diana was actually speeding away from a cinema showing Waterworld
when the Thai and Malaysian economies collapsed everyone said
don't panic!
when South Korea collapsed they said don't panic
now Japan's starting to collapse
okay panic!
on the bright side of the Japanese crisis
wasn't it great to see a bank manager break down into hysterical tears
and apologize to his customers for losing their money?
but what are the chances of that catching on?
I mean in Australia the banks don't apologize for losing your money
they apologize if they leave you any
the ABC has acquired startling video footage
of Papua New Guinea Prime Minister Bill Skate implicated in bribes
Skate is seen telling his audience
fellow Papua New Guineans
if you're watching this there's two thousand dollars in it for you
on the other hand if you are watching this my government is dead meat
Bill allegedly authorized the payment of about two grand in bribes
to keep the local media happy
but the ABC ran the story anyway
if you want to buy an ABC journalist this week they cost 1.1 million dollars
Mr Skate claims the corruption tape is a fake
but if the head of the ABC news doesn't show it again
there's a pig in it for him
and that's the good news
last one
thank you good evening
joining me for the last in this series of good news week
Julie the crusher mccrossan
Adam chainsaw spencer
and Amanda not as nice as you think
Keller
and they're going the full 15 rounds with Mikey don't call me Marty Robbins
the star of murder call Lucy you can ring my bell and Doug Doug Mulray
it's the last show
I'm getting really drunk after the show tonight
hi mum
you got really drunk before the show
yeah but after the show I'm driving home
time for a tip I think
ladies and gentlemen wherever you are wherever you're watching don't
drink drive it's a laundry detergent
okay once more into the breach dear friends Julie Adam
Amanda what's this story all about?
a big room full of people and a
sign up the front TV screen
bad looking casino
John Hall, I think from the Australian Legal Resources International
ah Mr Arafat
he looks a lot like Ringo Starr someone pointed out to me before the show
from what I understand Yasser Arafat has recently decided to overhaul the
Palestinian legal system thinks there's a few things that don't work there so he's
called on a team of expert Australian lawyers to come in and supervise the
Palestinian legal overhaul
can you imagine Australians overhauling their legal system?
first point of law start the barbecue
that's right
get them in and we'll take it from them
I think it's fantastic the Palestinian goat herders will now get 16 weeks holiday year
at 14.5% holiday leave loading
more public holidays than you can poke a stick at
I thought
I mean what worries me is I thought the key characteristic of our legal system is the court delays
so while we may have perhaps reduced the number of people we have to bash to death in the cells
which I understand is the Palestinian approach
well so much from the Jewish team let's hear from the Palestinian trio
apparently the whole economy now with the Australian lawyers is going to be based on whiplash claims
I think what Yasser Arafat is looking at he can solve the whole Israeli situation if he just gets a bit of
wick legislation in there and pisses them all off regardless of their rights even though they've been for thousands of years
three points thank you very much
President Yasser Arafat has appointed a group of Australian judges and lawyers
to overhaul the Palestinian legal system
it's part of an exchange program they get our legal eagles and we get a couple of
suicidal car bombers to train our taxi drivers
Mikey, Lucy, Doug some unbiased news for you
okay there's a man snorting in his hand he's got a serious bronchial problem he's copying up things
that are green with spines that's Ian Johnson gpv9
it's a gambling thing it's the gambling bug which has gripped this nation as we all know the um star
city over the night before last and it's very exciting too really it was riveting it was now
it took me all my time not to turn it off and watch Schindler's List
I suddenly realized watching Nazis kill people was preferable to seeing Diana Ross sing out of tune
I'm pretty much so
he was blowing the dice that could be
he was blowing the dice
if you and the other guy looked very serious if you don't blow the dice
you have to blow the dice yeah
you have to blow the dice
otherwise
and first take take the dice out for dinner first before you do um what's about is that uh a whole
bunch of church churchcript have uh run anti-gambling ads because for some bizarre reason people are
selling their firstborn to pay their gambling debts as if we didn't know and a lot of Asian people
are leaving their children in the car in the car park you may have read about that
Asian people they'd be with them
well yes and yes they're people of Asian extraction
I mean I don't know should I have said they were people who weren't Caucasian I don't know
that was just what I thought that there was a sort of a multiracial aspect to the mothers
who do indeed leave their children outside the planet
every single one of them is a damn Asian
if you should be watching this show I've probably already been murdered ladies and gentlemen
and did Mikey Robbins have an answer to this question basically yes uh the whole bunch of
ads that were going to be run by channel 9 about anti-gambling ads by the church and the last
bit of 9c not quite so keen on them and I don't want to draw any conclusions between people who
might like gambling and people who might like channel 9 don't want to do that so that's your
answer then oh please before someone shoots me three points let's hear it go wild
channel 9 is refusing to run a series of anti-gambling ads made by the Christian
television association claiming they're biased against casinos
the main danger from gambling is that if you're any good at it you become stinking rich take up
polo leon governments and do any bloody thing you want and we've already got someone to do all that
the Christian television association is now worried 9 won't show their next set of ads
cross-media owners are the foot soldiers of satan
before the show was worth thinning out our desks both teams were given three clues to a strange
but true story mccrossan spencer and keller have the food
carl off
off
and this
i think we've eliminated another species the amazing thing is inside all that was a tiny little
duck got time
and robin bill and no rarity you want to talk the joy of christmas hang on this is a fancy
can i have a bit of shush because this prop is actually a working prop
oh christmas tree oh christmas tree how beautiful
so we have the joy of christmas a scream
and a nice hug
actually i think the hug and the scream should have been in the reversal
round two wheezes into action with spot the bull adam this is george edgar from bhp steel
after a tiny explosion at the port kemler steelworks this week what was he forced to admit
and we did make a bit of a mess so did he say and this sort of thing happens all the time
was it and we scared the slag out of the locals they're not talking about me
we're talking here about a corporate leader surely not making humorous and
degenerative remarks in relation to massive fires and potential enormous no they're no fun
i think one of the great problems with australia is how corporate leaders don't do enough sort of
off-the-cuff gag work imagine the guy from the exxon valdez he just goes haha little penguins
suck in everyone would have seen the funny side of it it would have been forgotten very quickly
so i can cross number three off the list already and surely it's not claiming that they nearly
blow up half the eastern seaboard regularly i don't think this sort of thing happens all the time
it's not as they tell us now this is a yeah this was a particularly good fire they normally just
have little small this i absolutely nailed this one 3000 people kicked out i think we're going
number one what did george say and we did make a bit of a mess
coincidentally we did make a bit of a mess is also bhp's environmental policy
a power surge at the port kembla steelworks caused a series of fires and explosions forcing
3000 workers from the plant something that only usually happens after a bhp board meeting
a lot of steel workers out there tonight
they're ozzy shareholders they're green piece green piece hey want a real challenge
climb on bhp's roof and convert them to solar
police believe they've traced the source of the electrical problem one of the workers decided to
start the day with some karaoke on a second-hand vietnamese machine
that he found in the trading post lucy you feel like a bit of bull spotting i'm ready okay after
falling hansen's videotape became public this week everyone had something to say about it which of
these statements was actually made very weird to me bizarre empathetic behavior from a real political
desperate it's gotta be that one it's gotta be that one
she is in this tragic redneck celebrity vortex oh they are scarily also act up i don't know if i
could it is a bit of a trick it is a tricky question it could be anyone it could be anyone
and it could be all of them lucy it's number four i'm gonna go for number four all of the above
all of the above are true in fact i think it's john howard gareth evans you don't know number three
no i'm actually certain it's pauline hansen the dress and everything sort of gives it
isn't it fantastic when the teams work together like that to give you the points
well let's have a look
very weird to me bizarre and pathetic behavior from a real political desperate she is in this tragic
redneck celebrity vortex
well done what an odd contradiction because pauline hansen has achieved political consensus in this
country in the weirdest of ways i mean it's not a bad thing at all it's not a bad thing
in this country in the weirdest of ways good point
this was a trick question that's a very well done lucy of course there are lots of dangerous
people out there fortunately for pauline most of them are in her own party
but there was one part of the video witness didn't show the sequence where mrs hansen peels off her
face and demands that all world leaders surrender to the death star or face annihilation
use the force to get rid of round two the game with the name
yes and what a real crowd pleaser it is three headlines about the same person but their identity
has been boringly hidden by the name amanda your headlines are witness to spill beans on
warren warren linked to more deaths warren's salute to black women witness to spill beans on
mikey robbins but they wouldn't last long
oh because i think i have friends to take them off me that's not friends
apparently they salute other black women well yes warren's salute to black women we think
spice girls no i think i think that's more uh spice girls linked to more deaths
i thought that was a casino thing yeah warren's salute to black women michael jackson
wanted to give a salute to black women now that he's a white woman he feels that he can't
now looking at all of those three i think uh winnie mandel has been in the news this week
she's involved with a murderous soccer team allegedly allegedly allegedly sorry winnie i
love you work it is odd that so many people die playing football soccer our team would only murder
a beer when you talk about winnie's warren yeah winnie's warren it's as simple as that
let's see who it is it's winnie mandela
and two points for you it is winnie mandela south africa's truth and reconciliation commission
has been told of mrs mandela's involvement in beatings abductions and murder she also has made
a video but it's a little different from pauline's winnie starts with fellow south african if you're
seeing me now it means i'll murder you but many of the atrocities attributed to winning were
actually carried out by her bodyguards the mandela united football club of course she denies the
accusations and says if archbishop desmond tutu doesn't watch it she'll give him a soccer lesson
he'll never forget she claimed she just wanted to be a better south african the whites are always
kidnapping beating and killing blacks and when he was just trying to assimilate now have you got
that peaceful warren feeling doug i'm ready for warren come on warren i'm ready okay three headlines
for you warren's orient express white ant admission frustrates warren push warren threatens to defeat
himself who is warren i have no idea help me mikey help me lucy come on i think i think we're
talking about advertisers south australia the south australian premier yes yes who's also minister of
comovers um john does anybody know john olson john olson of course the premier of south australia
how could i have overlooked john olson south australia and adelaide adelaide after all as i've
always said yes with poopters also is warren warren is also also this warren end of story is the man
right two points it is south australian premier john olson olson says if his minority government
continues to be thwarted in the lower house he'll support a vote of no confidence in himself and
call an early election and john is a man of principle if there is an election he plans to
vote against himself there too as he says the most honest form of criticism is self-abuse
but i mean what's their election slogan going to be put in the team who kick themselves out
at a meeting last week the liberals were confident they had the numbers to kick themselves out in a
no confidence motion then they realized they no longer had no confidence so they were no longer
confident no confidence applied but they aren't confident enough that they've lost enough confidence
so a vote of no confidence will fill them with confidence
um
robert debacle's seven points
oh one final game of odd one out i think teams we have howard hughes old and dead paul mccartney
should be david health got and aganda can uh can we have a go here and well i think no amanda
adam well uh david health got was in the news recently um allegations i think at a it was an
la party that he might have uh inadvertently given uh celine dion a feel she doesn't even have
buttocks how she can give her a tweak on the bar i feel no one in the aussie vernacular as being
goose it's very impressive if you manage to goose saloon dion because we've basically got her lower
back and then her ankles and that's it so you really don't have much to go for there i'd suggest
that you also have contact with howard howard hughes remember in his later years he went all
reclusive and he grew his fingernails massively long imagine being goose
a giant wooden plane that flew once the champion feathers is clearly a goose and paul mccartney
married no no no no no paul mccartney is out because he doesn't eat goose
hey one go near a goose i'm having a bit of a quandary here because you both did that sort
of together so i think i'm gonna have to award you both three points each
and in form of cartney the others allegedly don't mind the occasional goose
and david health got has threatened to sue the new york post after they printed an article implying
the australian pianist was a lunatic the folks claimed health got refused to stop playing the
piano at a recent award ceremony in manhattan and fondled selene dion at the party so it's an
endearing and eccentric plea for affection on film but in real life it's being groped by a loony
but david didn't grab ms dion intentionally he was frightened by the paparazzi thought she was a
concrete pillar and crashed into her in his defense david says he would never embarrass himself by
filling up boring singers at a party he spent most of the night alone having a quiet time
standing in the punch bowl in his underwear humming flight of the bumblebee through a stuffed olive
in his left nostril before we start the final round i should point out that the overall game
score for the series is mickey's team 16 wins juli's team 15 wins yes uh-huh
there've also been seven tied games one abc strike one magical night of marla
and one night where i mopped the floor with a lot of them thank you
thank you so julie adam amanda knowing that a good answer will save you from the humiliation of
public failure but don't feel any pressure not public failure your strange but true clues were
this
and this
is like three really disturbed wiggles
it's always hard the musical problem i understand adam you might have a view on this i have one
theory it's certainly it's certainly not i also have a bowel problem it's um it's certainly not
a recent plan of victoria by conservationist duck season very unpopular they're now going to
release members of the who roger daltrey john in person but fingers shoot at them for a couple of
hours over the summer that's not what it is this is this is what they used to call in all the um
all the ladies playing bingo at my local rsl's calling all the old ducks
well look i'm i'm having a feeling i'm traveling to a foreign country i'm traveling in a bus
yeah
let's be fair she's traveling in a bus but she's stroking the copious bosom of the old
menopausal woman in seat 4a
i'm in a foreign country i'm oddly enough in a bus that looks like a train sure and something
incredibly portentous happens spiritual and oogie boogie that's why that oogie boogie music
absolutely you're on a bus going down the main street of kinshasa which is the capital of the
congo and suddenly we hear i think i'm right there's a there's a shattering of glass there's
an accident and lying in the lap of one of the women is this duck a duck with an odd resemblance
and what is incredible is that even though this duck looking like amanda keller has
quest for a windscreen it's still alive 100 in good health only one logical explanation for that
the duck is the devil incarnate these people stand around wanting to lynch the duck the bus driver
takes the duck to the local police station quote to see that justice is done it's a story from the
congo it's an allegedly satanic duck being put on trial fair enough for crashing into a bus this kind
of thing is going on all over the world i mean for sure satan is going to come back as a duck
if there's the black lord he could come back as a panther no he could come back as a great white shark
and he could come back as a big bulldozer he's a duck satan comes back as a duck
you're saying oogie boogie yeah yeah yada yada come on demon duck you're right
four points four police since they have apprehended the devil duck of kinshasa
after the bird allegedly crashed with a windscreen of a bus going like that and landed unheard in a
passenger's lap angry commuters then surrounded the duck and cursed him as a devil convinced his
sorcery had caused the accident and you thought road rage in this country was bad
but no one is sure what really happened because all the passengers hit the floor when the driver
yelled duck just thank you since i hear many ducks are turning to satan because they feel
the christian churches let them down when they turn up for confession they're not taken seriously
and those communion wafers just don't fit the bill
oh stop it mikey lucy doug your series winning answer must include the joy of christmas
a scream
and that very lovely hug
it's good
christmas for many people can be a wonderful caring sharing joyful time of the year unfortunately
for a lot of people it's not it's not as sad it's lonely murders go through the roof
but murders will go through the roof but we're talking stress we're talking angst we're talking
human misery every year you watch the papers you see that people behave extremely badly at
christmas time christmas new year is a time of eggs never mind the love never mind the camaraderie
how do we know it's a bad scream this could be a happy scream this could be christmas screaming
oh it's a sad no thanks we're talking eggs aren't we folks it's a sad
lucy is lucky enough to come from a happy family and she wants to express a positive
feeling about christmas ladies and gentlemen a round of applause for lucy
i must qualify that i think i'm wrong yeah okay so we talk happy christmas no one told my mother
three weeks out before christmas you don't rat pets sooty started to smell round about
all the day before christmas and and sooty was a fish so what happens is that um they've now set
up a helpline for people who can't handle christmas stress it's called one 500 my bastard of a father
bought me soap on a rope the people who can't handle um the christmas stress so you get a big
hug you get some care you get some concern to get you through the festive season you're right
in an attempt to help those people who suffer from festive anxiety a christmas phobia support
group has indeed started up in melbourne the support group will have friendly staff on hand
for you'll find related counseling 24 hours a day seven days a week except of course
over christmas when they'll be closed the good news is if the christmas phobia support group
can't help they will give you the address of your nearest synagogue so you can convert to judaism
and take the pressure off yourself julie mccrossan adam spencer and amanda keller scored a jingle
bellish 14 points dashing through the snow past mikey robbins lucy bell and doug mulleray on a
red-nosed 13 points before we go seeing as it is our last show we'd just like to thanks the good
news week book available at abc shops and good bookstores for only 16.95
for now we say farewell michael hutchins and leave you with the good news that kevin costner's sequel
to the bodyguard may still go ahead berghy has offered to take diana's place of course if that
happens costner won't play a bodyguard he'll play a forklift driver good night see you on new year's
and don't forget the good news week book is available at abc shops
paul and the gang will be back for one hour new year's eve special don't miss us