Thank you!
Welcome to Good News Week for the very first time in 1999 and what a year it's been so far.
As the coalition celebrated its third year in office, the Prime Minister was still proudly leading us towards the 20th century.
He ordered down his ministerial code of conduct again, so ministers are now allowed to keep shares in companies related to their portfolios.
But Howard claimed his old code of conduct was merely being upgraded to a new, cutting-edge model, used by big organisations like the International Olympic Committee.
Inside the Labour Party bunker, Kim Beasley was forced to make a stand against Laurie Brereton's rumoured leadership aspirations.
Kim said if anyone had plans to become leader of the Labour Party, it was him.
But it's a storm in a teacup. The whole leadership debate is just a publicity stunt to promote the new Labour Party children's book, Where's Beasley?
Where you have to find Kim in a big crowd of Laurie Breretons. Sadly, the book has been a failure because it turns out Beasley isn't there at all.
As we moved into 1999, simulation tests for the Millennium Bug were happening in earnest all over the world.
However, to accurately recreate New Year's Eve conditions in a laboratory, everyone needs to be extremely pissed and looking for someone to grope.
Australian rugby league players are in hot demand.
After months of speculation and controversy, an angry Queensland government now says Baywatch is a tawdry and vulgar show and good riddance to it.
But if there are any other producers of tawdry vulgar shows out there, they'd be happy to talk to them.
The good news is David Hasselhoff has now revealed why the show went to Hawaii.
The Baywatch cast didn't want to come to the Southern Hemisphere because they'd have to run along the beach on their heads.
Politicians had to get a private screening of Lolita in Parlin House this month as part of a growing push by coalition backbenchers to ban the film.
John Howard, meanwhile, is reluctant to go to the cinema with his ministers.
Last time he was in a dark room with the cabinet, Peter Costello started sucking on his neck, trying to find an artery.
The good news is a TV screening of the original version of Lolita has been cancelled, but it will be replaced by a two-hour children's special, The Wonderful World of Zig and Zag.
John Elliott has apologised for his speech in Melbourne recently when he described Aborigines as a forgotten race, land rights as a do-gooder problem and the Prime Minister as a shade boring.
All through the speech, Elliott had his trademark cigarette in hand, but he's not really a smoker.
It's to grind into the eyeball of any indigenous or unemployed person he might meet.
After the speech, Elliott got a warm round of applause.
Then they all settled back to be entertained by a couple of young women from the jelly wrestling for the doll scheme.
Happily, John Elliott now says he's sorry, claiming the speech was taken completely out of context.
He was sober.
Two days after an inquiry found Sydney's Olympic bid breached a slab of guidelines, six IOC members were kicked out for engaging in corrupt or inappropriate behaviour.
The Australian Olympic Committee said the question of bribing IOC members was all relative.
In some cases, it was several relatives.
The whole affair has been devastating for Phil Coles.
His Olympic career is in tatters and he's being deserted by friends and business associates.
But at least he can still turn for comfort to Shane Warner and Mark Warne.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the good news.
Thank you.
Good evening.
Tonight in lustrous new surroundings, the team leader of the club that's made for you and me,
MIKEYROBIS,
part-time politician and full-time enchantress, the deputy leader of the Democrat Senator,
Natasha Stuttes-Boyer,
and the funniest man in Melbourne after Geoff Kennett, the People's Champion, Anthony Morgan,
and enjoying the champagne and caviar with a team leader who has a heart as big as all outdoors and a competitive streak a mile wide,
Julie McCrossan,
actor, comedian, phone salesman, Melbourne's favourite heartthrob, Rhys Muldoon,
and the media monogamous megastar that is Amanda Keller.
Are you ready, customers?
They're a rebel in here, a rebel.
Right, round one, what's the story?
Mikey, Natasha, Anthony, what's going on here?
There's a truck with blokes on it. That's just a bloke with no truck.
It's the Deputy Minister.
Oh, no, a truck!
That's a truck spewing out blokes.
That was the Defence Minister, John Moore.
What's he like? Which one was he?
I think you can tell he's a pretty hip and happening kind of guy.
I look at him and I think, now that's a sexy dude.
They're talking about positioning Australian troops in Darwin,
because it's the best way to get them pissed on a regular basis.
Hey, let's get a bunch of really well-armed guys and put them in the heaviest drinking capital of Australia.
It's in fact the biggest troop movement since the Vietnam War,
and let's think about how successful that was for Australia.
Natasha, as a man, yeah.
That's a communist overrun Australia.
Are you saying this is just to create the impression that unemployment is down
by moving the army around and making a gap where the army used to be?
So that young kiddies have to fill that gap?
Because some of the long-term unemployed would very much appreciate pre-close and dental care.
It's a work for the DOL project.
It's actually a get-shot-for-the-DOL scheme.
The amazing thing is it's part of a strategy where they reckon we can respond to any situation within 28 days.
So if you're thinking of starting a war, seriously, seriously,
so if you're thinking of starting a war around about late April, give us a ring now.
We'll be there. We'll be ready.
That'd be good. If Social Security ran the Defence Ministry, it would...
Anthony Morgan!
I thought they did.
Come on!
Woo!
You declare war on someone and then it wouldn't start for another six weeks.
Unless you'd been sacked.
Then it wouldn't start for twelve weeks.
They are right, ladies and gentlemen. Five points for DOL. No games.
Under a new $300 million initiative, the Australian Army has announced it will now have 11,000 combat troops
based in Darwin and ready for war in 28 days.
Does that mean that February is the only time they can invade anywhere?
It's because there's so many women in the Army now.
We need a month to get ready in case we get our period. We've got to do our...
That's when you send them in to do battle.
I'm thinking PMT and a rocket launcher. Dangerous combination.
Can we just clear all the kids off the streets who are on heroin
and tell them the guy behind all those soldiers has got 50 bucks?
Chikorovsky's latest great plan is to go like her, you know, one of her latest pork-barrelling things is to go,
we want to set up a million dollars battle of the bands thing so that kids don't take drugs.
Put them into a rock band. That'll stop them taking drugs for an hour.
Hi, remember me?
Oh, the little band wants you show back.
Defence Minister John Moore said 11,000 troops might be used to get the 10,000 Australians out of Indonesia.
While a thousand of the troops create a diversion, the rest will each grab an Australian and run.
A Defence Department spokesman said the Indonesian government are aware of the deployment and have no complaints.
All they want to know is the precise geographical location of Darwin.
The force will be within striking distance of Indonesia should it descend into chaos after the elections.
They'll also be within striking distance of the Gold Coast should it descend into chaos during schoolies week.
Julie Rees-Amanda, what's the story?
Oh, an interesting man with fetch hair, which I love in the air.
A glass of water, some writing and a big fat bloke walking towards the attic.
Is that Les Murray?
Back off.
This would have to be about the preamble, wouldn't it, that Prime Minister is writing to our Constitution.
Imagine him sitting down with a crown.
Les Murray, a good choice, I think.
I was expecting something a little more daggy, like maybe Pam Ayres.
As I sit upon my little chair, I think of Australia and my eyebrow hair.
I like that.
Apparently John Howard wanted to bring Les Murray in as a power because he couldn't find a word to rhyme with, bucket.
Isn't it puket?
It does worry me a little, even though Les Murray is an internationally acclaimed Australian poet.
I'm not here crying for it because his poems are crap.
The views of Anthony Morgan are not necessarily those of this station.
I love your work, Les, I think it's great.
I admit that one of Les's lines...
I hate your work, Les, I think it's crap, I think you should break all your pens.
Actually, I tell you who should have done it, Thomas Keneally.
Blow the whistle, Governor-General.
Clearly he's chosen Les Murray because the title of his latest book is Subhuman Redneck Poems.
That's the title of his latest book, but I think the Warumpi Band have come up with the greatest one, which is Jalan Gura, Jalan Gura Pukanu, which has just got out of jail today.
It should be the preamble.
And they are right, ladies and gentlemen.
Five points.
The first words that John wrote were, a long, long time ago in a galaxy far away.
You're having trouble because were you saying there's only two words that rhyme with Australia?
A failure genitalia.
Failure genitalia? Where can you go with that?
I don't know, I could go a long way.
Matter of fact, they already have.
John Howe, the man who brought us such literary visions as incentivation, non-call promise and not a new tax, a new tax system, has asked an Australian poet, Les Murray, to help him write the preamble to the new constitution.
The government was going to get a million monkeys with a million typewriters to do it, but they're too busy writing the unfair dismissal laws.
John Howard, of course, has tried his hand at writing before, but Mills and Boone rejected his first romantic novel, Trade Surplus of Desire.
I have a question. I have a question.
If Howard gets a mention, you know, to mention God in the preamble, will it stop there or does he get to mention his other invisible friends too?
Anyway, knowing our patriotic Prime Minister, he'll probably go for something quintessentially Australian.
I love a Menzies country, a land of tax reforms, of dole you have to work for, a Senate that conforms.
I love our English monarch. I love our ethnic free, her safety and her comfort, the economically rational land for me.
So after one awe-inspiring round of Good News Week, the Robins team are on five points.
And as Bazaaris at Mike Seenum across the team are on five points.
It's a joy to be alive, ladies and gentlemen, a joy.
During the break, as we sold our souls to the devil, both teams were given three clues to a recent strange but true story.
Robins, Stott Despoja and Morgan have rosary beads.
And look, there's a little man here at the bottom. Hello.
A flag.
Hey, oh, well done, you.
And...
Should I wrap myself in it?
That.
He's cranky.
Yeah.
But I don't like doing this.
And McCrossan, Muldoon and Keller got recycled plastic, hunting.
And you have to sing this with me, are you ready?
And this.
In the Navy.
Something for a confession, something in the Navy.
Try not to join in on everything, OK?
Suddenly we're all at a big YMCA camp here.
To start round two again, we call giving headline.
Your mother must be so proud of you.
Mikey, we'll show you a series of headlines.
The first one is a story about a man who has explained the stories which go with them.
Two points for every correct answer.
OK, here we go.
Bribed to breed.
Is this a surrogate story?
It is not a Brian Harriding reference.
No, it's...
If you didn't stop bringing it up, no-one else would.
I'll tell you what, I think there's unresolved sexual tension there.
This is a story about in the future that will actually have to give women incentives to have kiddies.
Mikey's right, two points, let's move on.
Second one, fish a killer.
Was this the story about the woman who caught the world's biggest blue male
and was then given a lot of trouble by the sports fishing people
because she shouldn't have killed it, she should have returned it back to the wild?
Yes, we're going to go over here, but I won't give it to you.
There was a man who was fishing, I think, in Malaysia or something
and he got gored by a giant garfish.
Garfish?
It's stuck in his side!
That's a story, ladies and gentlemen, man gored by a garfish.
Wait a minute, garfish isn't even real, it's a cartoon cat.
And the last one now, email.
Jeff Kennan has actually come out and said that old people should be given email
because they love new technology.
Jeff Kennan's come out and said that old people should be given email
so that way they can keep in touch with their grandchildren.
He's a wily one, that Jeff Kennan.
The Labour Party have been trying to knock him off in Victoria for some time
and finally John Brumby's come up with a strategy that just might work, he's resigned.
They have it, ladies and gentlemen, eight points for Mr Mikey Robbo and a two.
At the opening of the 1999 Seniors Expo in Melbourne this week,
Jeff Kennan said old people should stop talking about the past
and get a computer so they can stay in touch with the younger generation.
To old people, Jeff Kennan is the younger generation,
which is precisely why they haven't wanted to stay in touch.
Oh God, I'll tell this horrible image of old people in chat rooms,
I'm wearing a blue cardigan.
Jeff suggested elderly people stop talking about the past
because he's genuinely concerned for them.
He doesn't want the old dears to upset themselves
by remembering how nice it was having public services like hospitals.
Kennan is confident all elderly people could afford internet subscription
if they budgeted and bought no-name brands instead of splashing out on pal.
He does give them a nice silky coat though.
But what's the bet if these old people set up their own webpage,
their families won't visit them there either.
Yes, not only funny but tragically true.
Ready for some good headline, Julie?
I love headline polls.
I'm not going to lie, I'm not going to lie, I'm not going to lie.
Ready for some good headline, Julie?
I love headline polls.
Here we go. Beasley to keep bear essentials. What's it about?
I think this is about the allegation that Mr Beasley hasn't been sufficiently
aggressive and assertive as a leader.
Sufficiently like a bear, Mike.
Sufficiently like a bear?
I think he wants to stay more like a bear, doesn't he?
He wants to stay cuddly and cute like a bear.
He's not going to kill any more salmon.
That's right.
He just wants to sit on the end of girls' beds and look cute with his
bed pyjamas inside.
That's right. Thank you, Julie, for that.
Moving on. ABC has footage in Mouth Disease says, I rate Martin.
What's it about?
This is the shocking business that Ray Martin has only been a
straight down the line journalist all his life, has been harassed by a
madman with blonde hair who was working for the ABC.
And we all felt sorry.
I mean, I constantly have people going through my garbage and
photographing my children.
I just smile and wave.
It seems like most people were offended at Ray's shirt.
It was, oh my God, designed by someone on acid.
Why would you be so protective about your rubbish if there wasn't
something in there?
In there, exactly.
Like Monroe's undies.
There's a scandal waiting to happen.
On the TV jobs he turned out because he'd have to get a haircut.
Oh no.
The fact that he rings up the ABC and says, I want this thing, and
she says, OK.
I mean, what's the ABC?
Boom!
To the person that said, we won't show it, Ray.
I just like to say that.
I shoot and I vote.
I'm going to give you two points for that, even though we did go
slightly off the rails and just get, I think, a bit personal.
Let's go for the last one.
Gene, mix and hatch adds two more legs.
Oh, this is a weird story.
Oh, of course.
The kiss lead singer, the bass player.
Chickens with three legs.
Is that right?
It's not really a third leg.
It's just a very lucky chicken.
They are interfering with God's work.
And I say, Senator Harold Dean, do what you can.
So basically what I hear is the three chicken legs.
OK, two points for that as well.
Thank you very much.
And the bass player from Kiss is doing all this.
At Harvard Medical School, scientists have put drumstick
genes into embryo wings and produce chickens with three legs.
Let's just hope they never make a chook with eight legs,
because technically that would be a chicken spider.
Scientists also hope to breed a chicken which will grow bread
crumbs instead of feathers and crap mashed potato.
Next game in the one on one round is bites.
Natasha, to what does this well-known sinner refer?
If self-regulation doesn't work, where there isn't total
privatisation, my concern is what happens when there is?
Whatever I expected from politics, it was not watching
porn videos with Brian Haradine in a Senate committee room.
You're kidding!
So how many boxes of tea?
No, sorry.
But obviously Brian Haradine is referring to, well,
at least his perceived failure of Telstra to monitor and
regulate the 1900 numbers and they should all be abolished.
Those are the six lines.
Otherwise he's not going to sell the remaining two thirds of
Telstra and not that they should be sold.
Not that I have anything against Private Enterprise Channel 10,
but we know that public utilities should stay in public hands.
Right.
Two points!
Brian Haradine has confirmed he wants Telstra in majority
public ownership, full stop, end of story.
Brian is worried a privatised Telstra will become arrogant,
unhelpful and inefficient.
In other words, business as usual.
Haradine also mistrusts Telstra because they're reducing
services to rural areas and won't crack down on phone sex.
Telstra said it wouldn't be a problem if more people were
ringing up farms to talk dirty to sheep.
Amanda, a bite for you from this bloke.
It has a special role in trying to convey some of the optimism,
some of the feeling, some of the vigour.
And what an optimistic feeling vigorous feller he is.
Well, that's Michael Knight.
I think he's talking about the Olympic torch.
Have you seen it?
It's huge and only slightly smaller than his teeth.
Did you see the footage of them testing it?
They had it in an extreme wind tunnel.
Did they have a 1,000-AMP shareholder going...
But they had it upside down.
I mean, what sort of uncles are going to be carrying this thing?
It'll hit like Mount Gambier on Newcastle and some guy will
be carrying it upside down and some guy will be carrying it upside down.
I think it's a shark earring.
Actually, ex-Mrs. Phil Coles has probably got them as a pair of earrings.
And all this hoo-ha about taking jewellery as a bribe.
Am I the only one that's noticed that I think a lot of the athletes are in on this?
Have you noticed athletes getting medallions, big gold ones,
silver ones, sometimes bronze ones, and only the ones who are successful?
If that's not a bribe, I don't know what is.
That is sick.
She's right to die!
Yes, the fabulous new Olympic torch has been unveiled,
inspired by a boomerang, the blue of Sydney Harbour, and the sails of the Opera House.
Yes, the torch is inspired by the Opera House.
It looks good on the outside, but the inside needs a match put to it.
Designers say the inspiration also came from the graceful,
overlapping curves of the zeros on their check.
The torch is guaranteed not to go out in wind, rain, or while slowly roasting Phil Coles.
Fully paid robinses now are on 15 big fat points.
The check looks across and inching in front, they're on 16 points.
Anyone can win, I could be bribed!
We're now proud to present Bad Street Theatre, Anthony and...
Oh, they love the classics, don't they?
They love the classics.
Anthony and Rhys will give us their own purely visual interpretation of a recent news story.
Their teammates must decipher it as quickly as they can.
Help yourself to a topic.
Go Monks!
Come on, go you precise mime artist.
Oh look at that, the whole Marcel thing, I'm already weird.
Anthony, could you move your lips when you're reading?
No.
It's like when you got chewy and you're trying to walk.
Okay, off you go.
He's awake.
Oh no, go Monks!
Okay, your time starts...
And...
Oh, it's Mark Taylor, watch out.
This is mine, right, so I can't make any noise at all.
Well, you know, go and make a noise, make a...
But not wordy wordy noises.
Arf.
I think arf will be okay.
Arf.
Dog.
Little dog.
Panting little dog.
Petting the dog, you're petting the dog, you're...
Dog attack!
Dog bites you!
Dog bites you, babe!
I was about to say, is it about pit bulls?
Oh, yes, he's taking his eye out.
He's taking his eye out, the gouge the eye out, it's a killer dog.
And he's got a...
So, get rid of that eye.
Okay, so you're eyeless, you've been made eyeless by a doggy.
You've...
You've scratched yourself to the point where you're bleeding, mate.
That's because I love arf.
Do you have a transplant?
What?
Oh, yes!
The third eye!
The groove in the cheek!
That's right!
They're gonna grow cheeks, eyeballs in the cheeks!
In the cheeks!
They're gonna grow eyeballs in cheeks for transplants!
That's right!
This week, doctors in Britain started growing part of a human eye in the cheek
of 76-year-old Cecil Creed, who lost his sight when he was a child.
I just hope the doctors pick the right cheek,
otherwise if the sun shines out of Cecil's arse,
he'll be able to use it as a reading lamp.
Thank you.
Cecil Creed has found there are many benefits in having an eye in his mouth.
When people try to poke him in the eye, it's easy to bite them.
And when really ugly people walk by in the street,
it's much easier to avoid eye contact,
so long as they don't try to tongue kiss him.
Cecil does have to be careful, though.
He could be walking down the street chewing on some gum and realize,
wait a minute, I don't have any gum.
Can I interest you in a bit of bad street theatre, Reese Muldoon?
Can I just firstly say that, like, you've bled for the art, okay?
You can't see how you go, actor boy.
Oh, okay.
All right, oh shit, okay.
At least he can't swear when he's behind me.
What about?
Can we just have everyone close their eyes together?
Good luck, and listen, just a hint,
you're allowed to make arf arf noises.
Your time begins now.
Oh, wait, look at me, he's an actor and he's shaking it out.
You're having a baby.
A woman is having a baby.
And breastfeeding.
A woman with four breasts, a woman is giving birth to something and chewing it.
It's an evil, it's a devil's spawn.
She's had a caesarean.
Blood, blood, blood.
Alien, when the thing can't...
Lungs, you're bringing your lungs in.
Whatever it is, I'm glad I wasn't there.
There's a baby involved or a heart transplant involved in the birth.
A woman who'd had...
No woman, a man having a baby.
I've got a hand over to you Amanda, this is an act.
Re-stop, we get it.
I told you I could sleep with my baby.
Is it men being able to have babies?
They're now saying that men will be able to have babies.
But what's the pie not through their penises?
No.
Though they deserve it.
They're going to come out of their inner organs, they're going to grow it in their intestines.
Stomach, stomach.
In their gut.
Playing the piano.
Out of dead people's stomachs.
I might have to stop it, this is the most hideous display of stupidity I've seen for a long time.
So, very close, very close.
And I'm going to give you four points because it was so good.
According to one of Britain's top fertility experts, it's now a scientific possibility for men to give birth.
I'm bloody tired, I've been out in the yard birthing all morning.
Dropped off a nine pounder and went back inside to watch the cricket.
Life brings it up.
The pregnancy is sustained when the fetus becomes attached to a male organ with a lot of blood flow.
Which is how women usually get pregnant in the first place.
But when Labour starts there won't be any of these namby-pamby anesthetics and breathing exercises.
Just invite your mates around and rip the kid out with your own bare hands.
But if you put on a keg, the term bringing up baby could take on a new unpleasant meaning.
And you have to pity the newborn who gets handed to his male mother, goes for the nipple and gets a mouthful of hair and Rexona Sport instead.
Of course there will be teething problems, the hormones released during pregnancy cause the breast to swell.
And in clinical trials, several men severely damage their eye muscles trying to pervade their own cleavage.
Now that lot are now on 20 points, that lot are on 20 points.
The game is seven days in seven seconds.
The teams will see a quick montage of seven stories from the past week.
All they have to do is identify them.
Opposing teams may challenge.
And it's really very easy. Let's do it.
Okay, that's it. Let's get it started.
Anthony, Natasha, Mikey, first story.
Lee Falk, the one of the fans.
Sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, challenge.
Okay, I'm gonna have to throw it in here.
The first one was the Pope.
It was.
He's put out a new single and a CD and everything.
It says Perez in Latin with gorgeous music behind it really turns me off.
Straight out of the Vatican.
And it's called Jagged Little Pope.
Okay, number two, ladies and gentlemen. Let's go.
Anthony, Mikey, stand for number two.
Okay, that was the fan. Lee Falk, the creator of the fandom, sadly died this week.
He's right. Let's go number three now. Moving on.
Tim Fischer, there's been speculation about whether he's going to stay on as deputy head of the, as leader of the National Party.
Yes.
But he is going to.
Great. Thank you. Two points.
Moving back.
Queen Mother, she's in debt.
Ten million pounds in debt because of.
Spending too much.
On gin.
So she's going to sell her liver to a kiddie in India.
Moving back now across this side. Question number five.
It was South Sydney. I'm not sure if it was Julian O'Neil or not, but it was South Sydney football.
And I think it was to do with people taking ecstasy.
No, no, no, no.
I'm gonna drop back to Mikey.
The NRL, the Wainland South Sydney, Rabatosa, Ranafai Junior O'Neil's contract over some strange incident in some hotel where he couldn't quite find the bathroom.
He's got it. Question number six. Question number six. Anybody?
I think it might be Tasmania. They're going to have reasonable.
No.
It's the Lancop debate as to whether or not the Gina Reinhart or those courteous names.
The Senator is wrong.
Thank you.
And what's the name of the woman? The daughter?
Gina Reinhart.
Thank you. I'm going to give you two points for that one. This is so damn exciting. I'm going to throw the last one open.
Beep beep beep.
A hundred dollars if you were long term unemployed and you managed to hold down a job for six months.
It was part of his headline speech this week.
Vision speech, vision statement.
Not necessarily, but that was the contest.
Haven't I been put in my place by the Senator?
Yes, Anthony.
Oh no.
No, that's what I was going to say.
Mr Beasley sounding alarmingly like John Howard.
Yes, on this point Julie.
Yes, unfortunately he looks completely different.
The stories were the Pope's new CD is expected to become the biggest selling recording of all time, particularly after people hear his cover of Like a Virgin.
Lee Fork, creator of The Phantom Dies, an attempt was made to bury Lee this week, but unfortunately Fred Bassett dug him up.
That's funny.
Tim Fisher denies rumours he's about to resign, but just to be on the safe side, the National Party have put Smokey Dawson on standby.
The Queen Mum has a reported overdraft of £10 million. London Hospital is threatening to repossess her hips.
Julian O'Neill's attempt to put those very unpleasant allegations behind him are poo-pooed by the NRE.
Gina Reinhart fighting former stepmother Rose in court over Lang Hancock's millions.
Gina admits to actually hiring Rose as a maid in the first place, but says she had excellent references from a whole bunch of her husbands.
And Kim Beasley outlines his new vision for Australia.
Unfortunately in Kim's vision, Laurie Brereton is a lot closer than he appears to be.
So go wild. At the end of that, eight points over this side, six points over this side. Still, anybody's going.
After being accused of going soft, Kim Beasley suddenly released a Labour Party vision statement and held a special caucus meeting to throw his weight around.
Their replacement furniture will arrive next week.
But people don't realise just how busy Kim Beasley actually has been in these last few months.
Busy hiding under his doona, busy standing still pretending to be a tree, busy sitting in question time with his hands over his eyes hoping no one can see him.
But he's also agreed with John Howard on the heroin trials and the preamble to the constitution.
Kim only has to side with Howard once more and he'll be legally entitled to a seat on the coalition front bench.
The good news is, to lift his profile, Kim Beasley has become the new spokesman for Weight Watchers, showing how a 20 stone man can become invisible.
Ah ha ha ha ha ha. OK, at the moment, them are on 30 points, them are on 28 points.
Surprise us ladies and gentlemen.
It is the final round and now the strange but true thing comes together.
Mikey, Natasha, Anthony, you had the rosary beads, the flag.
V. Vitalio. Very nice. And this. Oh he's not going to mime again is he?
Uh oh.
What his cat, Kate Moss.
Oh, OK Paul, the rosary beads and the little Italian flag obviously mean the Catholic Church.
Oh jingers, how? Because. That's pretty straight forward. Now explain to me why I've been puncing around.
Cause you've got a nice bum and it's going to be good for the ratings buddy.
I tell you what, we're relying on my ass for ratings man.
I'd like to see you and Richard Carlton go ass for ass in a ass contest. I'd back your bums any day.
They're talking about fashion parades for priests and nuns to show exciting new, what are they weird?
Habits. Habits.
At the moment the Roman Catholic clergy have very bad habits.
Here we have an answer to the story.
It's all part of the new sort of fashionable image for the church, for the Vatican, they've got the CD.
In fact the Pope-a-ville is going to be low cut now and play doof doof doof music with 40 guys backed in going lovely lady.
The deep heart of the Roman Catholic Church is trying to get across to the young kids because they're pretty sure that the basic message of Roman Catholicism is something that the kids really want and they'll dance to it.
Because after all he is the Lord of the dance.
Okay let's wrap it up here.
The Roman Catholic Church, a couple of priests and nuns becoming catwalk models.
That's it.
Say hello to the right ladies and gentlemen.
In a bid to create a more modern profile for the Catholic Church a group of Italian nuns and priests have become catwalk models at a fashion show in Rome.
It started when some nuns misunderstood the instruction to go out and meet the starving and they joined a model agency.
Some of the nuns were so concerned about looking thin they allowed themselves to be possessed by the devil.
After all nothing keeps you weight down like projectile vomiting.
And have had tremendous success. The best models have become super nuns who don't get out of bed for anything less than 20,000 Hail Marys.
Sadly the Vatican's worst fears have been confirmed. One of the brides of Christ has already applied for divorce from Jesus so she can marry the bass player from Oasis.
Julie Rees-Amanda you had the recycled plastic hunting and that haunting tune.
In the Navy, this is a bop the B one, in the Navy.
You get to buy lots of Judy Free, in the Navy.
You're having a rhythm like a metronome.
Now look this is actually a marvellous thing. This is so that young children no matter how young they are can contribute to the defence of this nation by collecting plastic, donating...
Julie stop twisting them like that I'm getting strangely turned on.
I just know that they're using plastic to make big warships aren't they?
A boat.
A boat but a big one out of plastic.
A mine seeker.
Is it? A mine clearer.
A big plate like a giant co-pilot.
But a really really big ship and they have to test it in a big bath because it's made of plastic.
Train the soldiers in a plastic boat.
No, Navy, Navy.
We're all recycling.
I'm just going to throw it to Anthony.
Alright, I think it's fairly obvious that the Australian Navy has absolutely nothing to do.
So what they're doing is drifting about in their stupid boats, harpooning bits of floating plastic rubbish.
And now it's a plastic boat.
And it's drilled like this and it's got thousands of male and female models all just...
That's right.
Inside.
So quick summary.
The ships that are going to seek mines and destroy them are being made out of plastic.
Alright ladies and gentlemen.
HMAS Orcs, the Navy's new $200 million plastic mine hunter began eight months of sea trials this week.
This is the latest innovation after the less than successful experiments with making ships out of cardboard, play dough, loofahs and cheese.
The crew will be dressed entirely in polyester, making it the world's first strip dry destroyer.
The only concern is that with a plastic ship and polyester underwear on really dry days, the entire crew might be pinned to the deck by static electricity.
The Navy commanders who commissioned the plastic ship said they were very happy with the way it turned out, but it still doesn't look quite as good as it did on the front of the box.
The only difference is that the effort of a plastic ship is that it can't be detected by conventional radar.
The downside is that it can be picked up by two large blokes and carried away.
And ladies and gentlemen, it probably doesn't get any better than this.
Just illegalize shooting galleries.
It's not that great for the addicts, but it does give the police some much needed target practice.
But here in the No Holds Barred contest, Mikey Robbins, Senator Natasha Stott-Despoir and Anthony Morgan scored a pointless 34 points.
Winning nothing over Julie McCrossan, Reese Mulder and Amanda Keller on a meaningless 33 points.
That was only one point, isn't it? They were wrong. They were wrong.
For now we leave you with the good news that the Prime Minister John Howard and poet Les Murray have finally decided on the constitutional preamble.
It reads, Hooray for the land of us Aussies, as we lie on the beach in our cozies. Migrants can come here. There's already some here. At the airport we sprayed them from Aussies.
Good night.
Sweet.