Thank you.
Welcome to Good News Week.
And the big news?
The Australian dollar plummeted to a two-year low this week after rumors spread that John
Howard was about to resign.
When he does something dumb, the market doesn't react.
But when it's rumored he's about to do something smart, the market goes wild.
The story was apparently started by financial traders.
Hard to believe I know, but it's true.
In fact, spreading rumors is all financial traders do.
That's what they're up to when you see them shouting at each other at the stock exchange,
John Howard's leaving politics!
Bill Clinton's got a mistress!
Alexander Downer knows what he's doing!
That's why they call it a bull market.
Australia is on the move again!
Canberra and the states have agreed that the nation's interstate railways should be run
by the federal government.
The railways are back!
Getting off at Redfern will now be a commercial decision.
Not just an accident because your mother came home unexpectedly.
This plan was actually first proposed in 1901, but you know how government works.
Plan goes to committee.
Committee dies of old age.
New committee is formed.
Ninety-six years later your train arrives.
The Northern Territory is considering using electronic bracelets to impose a nighttime
curfew on children.
It's all part of a plan to tag teenagers, release them back into the wild and see where
they're recaptured years later.
Top children are all for the scheme, except instead of a bracelet, they want an electronic
no-stud, which lights up when they're being bad.
Russia has apparently lost 100 portable nuclear bombs, each capable of killing 100,000 people.
The bombs are the size and shape of suitcases.
Maybe they are suitcases.
It's all part of the Russian nuclear bluff.
Inside there's nothing but a Manila folder labelled Bang in Russian.
The good news is the Russians don't believe the loss will lead to more countries possessing
nuclear bombs.
They're more likely to be bought by dictators as a cheap, compact second bomb for the wife
or kids.
A new list of Sydney buildings placed on the heritage list includes a men's toilet block
on Oxford Street.
You know the place, it's got a condom machine and one that dispenses chapsticks.
The toilet is of immense architectural significance.
Local historians believe it may be the original brick shithouse.
And being directly opposite the Supreme Court, a number of Sydney judges have very fond memories
of it too.
And that's the good news.
It's good news, we, some folks drop their bombs in black on tabernacian atmosphere and
it's good news, we.
Thank you, good evening.
Tonight with the wind in their sails, the Cheshire Cat Julie McCrossan, a man I hesitate
to call godlike and yet nothing else seems to fit, Peter Burner, and currently appearing
over breakfast on Radio 2CA in Canberra, talented theatre supporter Penny Cooper.
And they're laying in wait for the babyface assassin, Mikey Robbins, the president of
the ACTU, the scourge of the bosses, Jenny George, and from Melbourne, who has her family
in tonight, and from Melbourne, once a funny financial journalist now a capital stand-up
comedian, Will Anderson.
I tell you what, Paul, those wolfies love to clap, don't they?
All they've got to do now.
I didn't put them out of a job.
They got the job back.
And who was instrumental in doing that, Jen?
Oh well, I had a touch to do with them.
If they got the job back today, that means they'll start it on Monday.
Oh, you unionist, shut up.
No, okay, maybe, sure.
Let's take a vote on it, who wants to shut up?
Let's bring the umpire in to humiliate.
I'm meant to be the umpire.
Okay, without any further ado, Julie Peter Penny, what's going on here?
Newspapers, reading.
Satellite dish, communication, communication, lack of communication, who's that?
That's the middle of the defence, I think that-
Pine Gap, tool of Satan.
Pine Gap is an anagram for tool of Satan, did you know?
No, it's not.
Oh, you've got to spell it wrong.
Pine Gap is putting out their own newspaper.
It's like a little newsletter, you know, what sort of secrets we've got here today,
sent around the world.
Because we're into information sharing, what with the Cold War's gone.
That's right.
But I understand that they want to discourage Australian journalists from sharing too many
of the secrets of Pine Gap.
No paparazzi allowed there.
It's a denotation system, for those older members of our audience, remember denotation
which journalists used to not publish any secrets once a denotation was put on it.
That's gone, voluntary code of practice instead.
Thank you very much, three points.
Exactly what I was going to say.
Yeah, you're exactly right then.
Because the federal government wants the nation's media to keep delicate defence and intelligence
matters secret by employing a system of self-censorship.
As for the TV networks, do they want to televise military secrets?
I mean, they're not going to write, are they?
Although I can see a spot on Channel 9 for ASIO.
World's dumbest spies.
The good news is the Prime Minister hopes that restricting government information will
become less necessary over time, as the population becomes more illiterate.
Nike, Jenny, Will, some bucolic news for you.
Farmers.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, they've got hats, they're farmers.
We are men with hats.
My favourite man with that hat on.
Johnny Howard, he was out doing a spot of artificial inseminating on the weekend, wasn't he?
Or was it artificial disseminating?
There was John Anderson with him too.
Mr Sex, as he's known around the paddock.
I believe they're offering farmers something called farm aid, which is like live aid without the music.
They had a big package, 517 million, and John Howard was pretty happy to be out there,
living in the country when people weren't going to shoot at him.
Did he have his bulletproof vest on this time?
It was his bulletproof hat.
Actually, it's scary for him out in the bush, because ducksies, he's about the same size as a mallard.
Three points.
Thank you.
Cunningly disguised as a rural landowner, so he didn't spook the horses,
John Howard unveiled a 517 million dollar package to boost farmers' morale this week.
Howard is sympathetic to people who live off the land.
Farmers, politicians.
Up until now, farmers who wanted to retire were restricted from getting the pension because of a means test.
Now, thanks to the El Nino effect, their farms aren't worth anything, so they can get the pension much more easily.
Ride El Nino, ride.
Farmers that refused to retire gracefully were humanely put down,
then plowed back into the soil to add vital nutrients in this time of drought.
Before the show, while we were having our old tattoos removed,
both teams were given three clues to a recent strange but true story.
McCrossan, Burner, and Cooper, you have a honeycomb, a Wellington boot, and a wide load sign.
I want that back.
And Robin George and Anderson were given a surgical mirror,
Hello.
a screwdriver,
and a guillotine.
Magic.
First course in round two is bites. Peter, what is this overburdened minister talking about?
The potential that this industry offers, I think, is one that we have to very much capitalize on.
Don't get it fired on, mate.
It's spread around a lot by the mass media, by computers.
Crap. Manure?
It's the virus.
It's what the future's about. It's what all the big industries are about.
The virus is?
Blue sky.
Pacific Palisades.
Sorry?
I think it's about information.
Oh, it's information, no. Paul, what's going on there is he's giving us the lowdown on the new...
Information technology.
Information technology. How's your father? And we basically want to...
Have a lot more information technology.
Have a lot more information.
Right here.
On our fingertips.
Because he's just been...
Mr. Olsen has been made a new minister in relation to technology and information.
I'm not exactly sure of the title, but I think Peter knows it.
Yeah, he's the new minister for technology and information, I think.
I'll give you two points for it.
I'll give you two.
That's what he's meant to get.
Oh, okay.
Communications minister Richard Olsen is now also the minister for information economy.
Well, excuse me, Mr. Pedantic Man.
We were that close.
Responsible for overseeing all online services and the Internet.
Well, I guess that's the end of the ABC's website.
This is a reward for Olsen. Most ministers don't know what they're doing.
But he's got the advantage that no one else knows what he's doing either.
Ginny, your bite from the sexiest man in the world.
Oh, that's terrific. I'm so thrilled, so pleased.
Well, it's definitely not Peter Reath. I know a bit short-sighted.
Actually, I can imagine...
The name's Reath. Peter Reath.
Dum da da dum da da dum da da da da da da da da.
That's like Ms. Manny, Monty Penny.
We'll get them bludgeoning workers out of that building.
Now, dare I say, I think it looks a lot like Sean Connery.
Am I on the right track?
I think you're, yeah.
I'm on the right track, getting warm.
Yeah, could be Sean Connery.
He wasn't in Australia.
He wasn't visiting Diane Chilinto, his former wife in Northern Queensland.
So I think he may well have been in Scotland.
Does that ring a bell?
Well, it could do. I've never had my bells rung in Scotland.
No, no, I think I know what it is. I'm just winding up to finish.
Look, and I think...
Let the hell the ACPU state her case!
Yeah.
And I think he was in Scotland assisting the cause,
the referendum there for more self-government for the Scottish people.
It was very successful, so maybe we should bring him to Australia
to help us gather votes for the coming republic.
Right.
Two points.
I thought that was worth three.
I got it all right, didn't I?
It probably is worth...
It's...
For God's sake, shut up!
I only ever give two points for it, you union scum!
Can we negotiate for the North Island?
I will not back down on this!
I will not back down!
Two points!
Two points!
Paul, Jones, what's up in the side?
Three points, so we're walking out.
We're walking out.
We're out.
Off you go. I'll get some bloody scab contestant to come and sit there.
And after that fun-filled five minutes,
Scotland has voted overwhelmingly in favour of forming its own parliament,
ending nearly 300 years of rule from London.
The Scottish referendum was followed by a similar vote in Wales,
with the approval of Westminster.
And next week, England will vote on self-rule too.
It's all part of Labour's plan to deal with Northern Ireland.
Eventually, they'll be the only ones left in Great Britain,
and they'll have to sort out their problems themselves.
The new, decentralised British system will be similar to our own system of federal and state governments.
Except it'll actually work.
To celebrate the Scottish result, Sean Connery is starring in a new film called Dr Noo,
where he plans to make a daring escape by pressing the spurn on his ejector kilter.
Dr Noo?
He's got a better accent. His accent's much better.
Oh, is it? Thanks, Jen. Be honest.
Let's hear it.
I'll not be paying for that, Dr Finlay.
You meant to say Dr Noo.
Dr Noo.
Dr Noo.
You've got to get the down as deep as this.
Actually, if it goes any deeper, only whales will hear it.
Let's quit round two now with a game called What Next?
What next, laddie?
We'll show you a...
Penny, we'll show you a piece of video tape, then freeze it at the crucial moment.
All you have to do is tell us what happens next. Easy?
Yes.
Yeah, yeah.
New game.
Thanks, Mr Spirit. Have a look at this.
I know.
That's George Jitson.
He's having a bad day.
I know.
I know.
Oh, yeah. What...
Oh, good lord, this is a barbecue.
All right.
What happens next, is it?
Oh.
The ejected pilot comes crashing to earth, or is it a car explodes knocking the cameraman over?
Or is it the owner of the house starts screaming for someone to call?
911.
That'd make very good television.
The ejected pilot comes crashing down to earth.
Now, this is the stealth bomber that's had everything absolutely go wrong with it.
Yes. They still can't bloody find it, though.
So I'm not sure that it's that one.
A car explodes knocking the cameraman over. That's a pretty good option.
The owner of the house starts screaming for 911.
They'd be dead in that time.
Yeah.
That's a red herring.
I think I have to go with what God would want, which would be the ejected pilot comes crashing to earth.
What would God want?
You caught us slightly off guard with that answer.
I'm currently channeling Mother Teresa.
All right. Let's see if you're right.
Oh, there he is.
There he is.
It's the Thunderbirds.
But he lived. This is a living story.
I'm pleased about that.
Yeah, but the man he landed on died.
A $45 million stealth fighter broke apart all by itself during an air show in Maryland this week.
An air show is just not worth going to these days unless they can guarantee a crash, a mid-air collision or a fiery dive into the crowd.
The pilot said the moment the nose fell off, he knew it was over.
It's kind of like a Michael Jackson concert.
Will, what happens next?
That's John. Oh, dancing. John Howard dancing.
Oh, slip it in.
He's up with some wacky hats at the moment, isn't he?
Here are your choices. They put another dozen layers around his neck.
Be careful.
John decides he doesn't like the complimentary fruit punch.
Or three, he trips up the stairs as he walks in the middle.
Well, Will, I think it's definitely something to do with the Cook Islands, don't you?
In the South Pacific.
Yes, I do. I guess whatever he did next was going to be, you know, nationally embarrassing to this country.
But probably any of those three would do.
But I think it might be number one, they put another dozen layers around his...
Oh, okay, maybe I think I might...
Oh, come on!
When did we become Wheel of Fortune?
I'd like to buy a vowel.
Buying a vowel isn't that the government's new literacy program.
But, uh, it's a vowel buyback scheme.
Full confidence for the poor.
The poor are inconstant.
Will, you can end all this with an answer.
Um, is it one?
Just because it is the first time, it's not the second time.
One? Just because it is the first time on the show for you, Will.
Let's hear the answer.
Two?
Let's have a look.
There he is.
Oh, take a big... Oh!
Thanks very much, but it's not me.
Two points.
The Prime Minister arrived in the Cook Islands for the South Pacific Forum this week,
and was greeted in the traditional manner.
A corrupt Fiji trade secretary asked him for 50 bucks,
while a drunken Kiwi minister threw up in his hand luggage.
No, no.
Hey, been there, Jen.
Many times.
But isn't putting on items of silly national costume and keeping a straight face while consuming unpleasant things part of Tim Fish's portfolio?
Some of these...
Politicians can talk underwater.
A useful skill considering Australia's greenhouse gas policy.
The McCross and Lick Spittles are kissing Bartok on seven points,
while the Robins Toadies lick boot on seven points.
Odd one out, one big game. Team versus team.
This is new.
We have...
Mousy Doom,
Bananas in Pyjamas,
Evander Holyfield,
and the Ear Mouts.
I mean, could it be that Evander Holyfield is not...
Wait a second!
Wait a moment!
Because I'm going to give it to your team.
Because I was quite generous to Will before,
but because Penny got hers right, I didn't have to be generous with him.
So now...
Don't penalise me just because I'm stupid.
Look, can I just say, this is not a good week for science,
because some of you will have seen this shocking business about the baboons in cages outside Western Sydney,
and fancy growing an ear on the back of a mouse.
It's happy!
And if you get two of them, you get glasses that go round together.
It's a lean ear thing.
It's an ear thing. I think it's an ear-eating thing.
Yeah, because Holyfield lost his ear to Tyson.
Made out of chocolate?
Yep, after they made little chocolate bits.
Luckily he didn't go for the groin grab.
That's a hell of a lot of chocolate, Puppet.
He's got one ear.
The mouse has got one ear and you can eat the mouse?
Yep, the other ones have got two ears.
Well, actually, the banana's got no ears, but you can eat it.
I reckon this mouse is the odd one out because you can't eat him.
I think I'll toss it over here quickly.
Could it be that Evander Holyfield is the only one who hasn't led a popular uprising against an impressive capitalist regime?
I don't know which oppressive capitalist regime the banana's led a revolution against.
Oh, little one fact that there was one banana under the Eureka stockade, and...
Again, the weak one led an uprising against the mouse?
The mouse was at the Odessa Steps during the 1905 Russian uprising.
Oh, was that the Russian uprising?
And it was known to Lenin as Mr. Cheesy.
That's a great guess by both teams.
But is there anyone who has the answer?
Oh, of course, but I'm not telling you.
The mouse is the only one with three ears.
Mousy-tongue is the only one when you hold him up to your ear you hear the sound of the sea.
Come on, anybody, anybody?
They made an artificial ear.
Yes.
They made an artificial ear of mousy-tongue to determine whether it's the real mousy-tongue,
because your ear is as close in identification as the fingerprint, and Holyfield lost an ear.
He didn't lose it, he only had a bit.
Oh, he had a bit bit in a way.
He had a good bit.
It's only the bananas that don't have ears.
Oh, aren't you observing Jenny?
Jenny's right, the bananas have got ears.
Right.
So do we understand what happened then?
No.
Well, every way everyone basically got, well, the bananas don't have ears, that wasn't like
a hard thing to really get.
But you had the answer.
Mousy-tongue ear thing.
That's right.
So it was B1 to B2 because you can spot the others by their ears, so good on you.
Thanks very much.
Thanks Paul.
A former agent claims the sea is the only one with three ears.
Thanks very much.
A former agent claims the CIA built a giant scale model of Mousy-tongue's ear to determine
whether the Chinese leader was still alive.
The human ear is as unique as a fingerprint, only you can hear better with it, and you
don't get them all over a wine glass after you've eaten a pizza.
The CIA compared the oversized ear with newspaper photographs from out to see if it was really
him or a standing.
If the ears on the person in the photo were the same size as the giant model, it wasn't
Mao.
And Mousy wasn't the only replica.
The CIA also had Castro's beard, Arafat's nose, and Reagan's brain.
The real one, Ronnie's got the model.
And during the 80s, they were the only intelligence service in the world to have an exact replica
of Margaret Thatcher's scrotum.
The Cross and Bureau, 10 points.
Robin's agency, 7 points.
And now the game to end all games.
Strange but true.
Julie, Peter, Penny, your clues were the honeycomb, Wellington boot, and wide load sign.
Oh, it's not true, I'm afraid.
Now listen, last week there was an astonishing allegation made against this program, and
we're here to refute it, Paul, and that is that engineers don't crack sufficient mentions
in the media.
Crack sufficient mentions in the media.
And this is a chance, this Wellington boot represents an engineer.
No, we are tonight talking about engineering.
Yes, we are.
What country would we be in, young man?
Well, obviously we're in Wellington.
That's exactly right.
And some harsh things...
Power's in the deduction, home.
I thought that was a small village of gum.
Now, some harsh things are sometimes said about New Zealanders, but not tonight, because
in New Zealand there is a billion...
Particularly the Shearers.
Particularly the Shearers.
But in New Zealand, in Wellington, there is a honeycomb, well, the shape that's in the
honeycomb, and I'm sorry, I don't know what that shape is.
It's a hexagon.
Is it a hexagon?
For the sake of a couple.
There's a building in Wellington that is in the shape of one of these hexagons, and it
is in fact referred to as a beehive.
Right.
And this is because wide load means that it's a big truck, and when they have this sign
on it, there's another little truck that drives behind it with a light that goes like this.
And this was a national holiday in New Zealand, because they'd never seen anything that exotic.
So maybe...
Well, the truck had something to do with the building.
It's going to transport a big, big, big building.
They're going to attach millions of bees to the building, and they're going to move it.
And they're the only ones that'll do it for minimum wage.
Yes.
And the engineers...
Because we saved the Queen Bee hostage.
The engineers have in fact trained the bees to move this building.
It's a big government building in Wellington, it's moving, it's a bee story.
Either that or the building, an enormous violet crumble.
Three points!
The 12-storey building known as the beehive, which houses the offices of New Zealand's
cabinet ministers, is going to be lifted up and moved 100 metres across the road.
Why, Paul, why?
Because they want to put another wing on the Parliament House, and that's in the way, so
they're going to move it.
Knock it down, it's a weedoo.
Once they get it moving, you can bet some idiot in an office block will pull out and
want to overtake.
Of course, if Peter Costello's guide to our Pacific neighbours is right, 120 pissed Kiwi
cabinet ministers are going to come back from lunch one day and freak out.
The good news is the government is hiring a guy in a gauze hood to puff smoke into the
beehive before they move it, so the occupants don't get mad.
Mikey, Jenny, Will, your strange but true tale is stitched to the surgeon's mirror.
Here we go.
Screwdriver.