Hello and thanks for joining us for this week's EVOLUTION. We've got two films for you this
week. The first one follows on from the themes commenced last week, Incest. Made in 1978,
Take the Hint examines the non-offending parents' struggle to understand, accept and recover from
the agony that is child sexual abuse.
About ten days before I was due to go away to Perth for roughly about three weeks and the
perpetrator and his family were going to be looking after my children for two weeks and my
daughter said something to me. The perpetrator came into the conversation as to this time I do
not remember what was said or how it came about. It was just something that she said that made me
ask her, did this man touch you? And she said yes. Well I didn't really suspect because that all
happened all at once. My daughter was two and she was a grown-up two at that age and then she
suddenly turned to being a baby and came her security blanket which is a little bit of material
that she takes with her all the time. We had a friend that we got to know when I was pregnant
with my second child and he got close to the family and we just didn't know anything was
happening. He sort of became a big brother to the kids and we just got on really well.
He's the sort of father that I wished I had had for my children. He was just fantastic with them.
Yeah, I mean he'd sit down and play games with them, he'd wrestle with them, he'd go out and
push them on the swing, he'd take them to the park. He'd do all the things that I just didn't have
time for some days and it was just wonderful. I started to suspect something was wrong. I noticed
the girls were a bit niggly but then it was puberty time and you think of that. The girls,
I don't know, I just had this gut feeling that he would go to the toilet and not come back for a
while and I'd be lying in bed and I'd pretend, I'd rolled over and go to sleep. He said,
I'll just go to the toilet and we had an en suite and then he'd say, no I won't use the en suite
because it might disturb you so I'll go down to the children's toilet and we have one of those
lovely homes with the adult area and the children's area and he wouldn't come back for a while. And I
just had this gut feeling something was right and I'd go down there after a while and he wouldn't
be doing anything. I'd go down another time and his hands would be under the blanket and you'd
accuse him and you get beaten up. We were moving house and on that day he was in there doing
something to her. Hey, let me out! Let me out! Let me out! Alright you guys can do it.
Would you stop running in and out all the time? Anything else to get outside? All the boxes from
inside. John would you go and get that small box from the kitchen please? I'll get the rest down
the aisle later. Thanks.
I never suspected it was just a case of that's what I was used to him doing. I was used to him just taking the kids off my hands
and being helpful. It just never occurred to me. I don't know what it is or why there's just something
there and that's how I felt about this man and I should have gone by my gut feeling, my gut instinct
that he was not to be trusted. But I trusted him at the time because he seemed genuinely
human. He always seemed to be very nice. He was always good with the kids. But that's
their way isn't it? Often enough in my experience parents of children who have been sexually
assaulted will look back and say in retrospect yes there were cues and there were things
which I now perceive could have been interpreted as indicative of something going wrong in
the household particularly in relation to his contact with daughter or son. But there
aren't absolute rules and there aren't cues which can be set out objectively. If there
were this would be so much easier. They choose what they do as like a thief goes out and
robs a pedophile goes out and molests and that's their way of their life. And it's
nothing to do with sex. One of the myths I really get really angry with and it was brought
up in the court that you didn't have enough sex with him and it's a myth that keeps on
coming up makes me very angry because I know that we I mean this is very it just makes
me really angry. We had sex every night but every second night it was either in the morning
it was all the time he wanted sex and a woman scared of losing her marriage and the threats
that he had over me I always had sex whether I wanted to or not because that was sort of
the threats. Yeah I'll go elsewhere I'll go to other women so you do it. So it's
nothing to do with sex. I remember going outside to do the washing and the perpetrator would
be in the lounge and my oldest my little baby would be asleep and Kieran would be watching
Sesame Street on TV and I'd say I'm coming mum's going outside to him and washing out
come back in and the feeling in the room wasn't right just I don't know really just feeling
in the room the atmosphere and I would ask Kieran everything okay yeah you know and she'd
when I sat down or something she'd come sit on my knee and cuddle and. I belonged to a
church and he admitted it to a church member who then came and told us. I was only I was
told that it was only touching so I sort of accepted it and thought okay she'll get over
it and left it at that. But once I found out what had really happened that's when it really
struck. All the way down the line there is excuse the the the crime is brought to the
attention of the mother and the mother gets herself into the police station then there's
a notion well the poor old thing you know he probably didn't really do it or perhaps
the child's making it up or anyway if he did do it wasn't so bad you get then into the
courtroom process again this idea well he didn't do it the child's making it up or if
he did do it it's not so bad so all the way along the line the man is hearing that he
didn't do it when he knows he did that if he did do it it's not so bad and he does know
it's bad because he's actually experienced the response of the child when he's been abusing
exploiting in that way. The rate of cases which actually come before the courts is very
low there are so many factors in that first of all often enough people don't disclose
at all until so long on that no one becomes involved in the court processes secondly when
allegations do come to light often police are not terribly interested and certainly
until recent days were not interested in prosecuting unless there was clear corroboration of allegations
of medical nature or some other nature. Next often enough the victims once they have actually
reported to sexual assault counselors or teachers or police don't really want to go through
the legal system because it's very unpleasant there's not a lot in it for them often there's
a lot of pain but there's not a whole lot of gain for them. Next the Director of Public
Prosecutions filters out cases where there is no realistic prospect of success for the
Crown and so in the end the cases which actually come to court are a very low percentage of
those cases where quite correctly you say that there has been perpetration of serious
sexual offences against children. They're as healthy as you and I when we go into a
shop and the shopkeeper gives us the wrong change in our favour we make a decision we
hand it back or we don't hand it back they come in contact with a child they have a decision
to make and they always choose to hurt they don't not necessarily they think physically
but they hurt that child whether by exposure or through other things they're not sick.
Most criminality emanates from drugs or alcohol abuse and that can be a factor in this too
because it lowers inhibitions but often it emanates from the perpetrator having been
sexually abused themselves and from alcohol drug abuse which lowers inhibitions from stresses
of a whole variety of kinds. What we find is that teetotallers beat up their wives teetotallers
sexually abuse their children teetotallers rape their wives. Sexual assault in the home
does not just take place overnight a grandfather or a stepfather or some other member of the
family does not suddenly come and penetrate a nine-year-old it's generally an escalation
of sexualised behaviours. One can look back and say that it's manipulation by an adult
of a child escalating in seriousness to enable the adult to exploit the child and penetrate
the child the ultimate in violation but often enough it's a deterioration in boundaries
and taboos and it's a slippery slope once certain taboos go then other opportunities
follow and other temptations come. Touching oral sex touching her breasts you know and
having oral sex she didn't do anything to him he didn't ask her to do he did everything
to her. Late at night early in the morning seven o'clock twelve o'clock at night he
used to get up early to work and he would go into the bathroom and put the light on
and the way the house is set up he would leave the light on in the bathroom and then he would
go into our daughter's bedroom and my daughter told me how come I never heard or I never
suspected well I didn't because he used to do that every morning he's been doing it for
years and why would you think that your husband your child's father was in the bedroom having
sex with your child he just said that she might become a prostitute so that's why he
did it. She talks about you know in the bathroom she had no clothes on and he pulled her up
I got her out of the bath and she held her around my waist and she had her legs around
she talks about he had her like that and he hurt the hole in her bottom put knives and
forks in their bottoms hit them she said they had no took their clothes off and took them
outside and hit them with daddy's firewood and kicked Jacinta and Jacinta was crawling
kicked her in the stomach and put um you know he tied them up handcuffs. I was in the lounge
room with my youngest daughter and she said she needed to go to the toilet so I got up
off the couch and proceeded towards the kitchen dining area and I was stood in the doorway
and that's actually as I got to the doorway Rebecca had taken her hand away from his dressing
gown and I thought to myself what's going on what's happening I was about to comb your
daughter's hair what do you mean comb her hair she asked me to brush her hair is that
right is that what I was about to brush her hair what do you think is going on what was
she doing kneeling before you she was straightening out my gown for me is that what happened is
that true look at me what do you think has been going on well fine come on I better go
what do you think has been going on but I wish to god I hadn't let it go because in
the video interview apparently he made her touch his penis and if I'd known if I knew
there what I know now this would never have happened I would never have allowed him near
my daughter again and he always said that if he ever caught anyone touching his kids
of mine he'd kill them he only picked up my daughter anyway sure it's still not now uncommon
for women to blame themselves to feel that they were they failed to protect their child
it's all their fault they blame themselves for having ever taken on the particular partner
if it's a partner that is the offender or if it's a brother or a grandfather or an uncle
or a lodger whoever it is they've taken on the responsibility for the perpetrators behavior
I let them down I should have been a better adult I should have been but I feel that way
this is how I feel all right I know better than that I think in my experience that the
guilt and shame is so great that sometimes it's really hard to allow yourself to know
that maybe there were clues you didn't pick up because that's just going to get you into
being more guilty and more angry with yourself what if if only I had all those thoughts come
and for some people that's too painful for others they do remember and think oh yes that
did cross my mind but I thought it couldn't have happened it's very hard to particularly
if it's someone you trust particularly if it's your husband to let yourself believe
that he could do such a thing the man I love the man I married
yes I feel guilty that I didn't know I didn't know that it was happening I felt uneasy about
a lot of things but well some things but I never I wish I had taken that further realized
you know it pushed further and also had it in my mind to be aware that you know even
though he is a relative and even though he's only he was only 21 that he can do these things
one of the things I would like people to think mostly about with respect to this is to imagine
what it would be like to be in that person's shoes and if you can do that and have some
sense of how their world might be then you can help them
I believe what children say and I think you can make up something so hideous and horrible
by three and a half year old you can't make up that daddy did wee-wees in my mouth and
it tastes yuck that's that's not made up that's a three and a half year old how can
they have any other concept how can people sort of not believe children
when children tell what's happened to them in a way that's extremely detailed it would
it's impossible for anybody who's really fair and rational and logical to assert that they're
telling lies it's about adult sexuality it's not about children playing sexually orientated
games and it's very clear to anybody who's who's fair or acknowledging reality to see
that what the children are talking about is something that has really happened to them
if the form of sexual abuse that's been perpetrated on the child is a form of oral sex for example
touching masturbation exposure by their very nature they're generally unlikely to leave
any form of forensic evidence
he used to cut her hair he used to burn her hair with cigarette lighters and tied them
to a kitchen chair and she could tell me she said he put a clean rag in her mouth gagged
them tied her and her sister and filled the bath with hot water and she she said he used
yellow and blue stripey rope right details and that the water was really hot and he laid
the chair down in the bath
this is what people have got to remember our children tomorrow's adults
sentencing is one of those areas of the law that attracts an enormous amount of attention
and criticism constant criticism from from the public generally of the courts and criticism
about what appears to the public to be lenient sentences
as far as I know he received 12 months probation and community service work was very angry
very upset and I only found out because somebody told me actually how long he got I was never
informed by the courts or any officials just to what his sentence was I think it was far
too light he should have been given a more severe sentence he should have gone to jail
he got four years two years three months on good behavior so I still wonder why he only
got that small sentence for what he did he had 19 charges on him and he only gets that
amount of justice it's not fair
400 hours community work over two years charges were pressed against one of my daughters for
one of my daughters and it was only the lesser charge of the ones who was charged with was
in digital penetration and he was charged with rape and indecent assault sexual penetration
of a child under 10
from a sexual assault point of view when once the courts from my point of view once the
courts involved in the process it's too light it was a long long wait with one of my daughters
actually ending up in a adolescent psychiatric unit for three months and actually came out
of it to appear in court it's pretty horrendous time they don't know how to react to it so
the only way they can sort of let out their anger is lash out at the person nearest to
them and I always have to be the nearest person to her so she lashes out a fair bit towards
me after the children disclosed all seemed to show anger and they took it out in various
ways sometimes was anger at me knowing that I was safe and I'd still love them she still
has a nightmare she still wakes up some nights and comes into me says she's had a terrible
bad dream she finds she's in a hole that she can't get out of and she's calling for me
and she just she just doesn't I don't count for some reason she has baddies try to chase
her and hurt her you're going to have problems definitely we are having problems every day
is a battle at my house every week seems like a month for me because our daughter besides
what was happening she couldn't have any friends or anything like that but again remember the
way he was I actually accepted him being overprotective she had friends when we were at the flat when
we move where we are she didn't and I for a while maybe because she's growing up she's
becoming a young woman he's really getting scared so just giving a bit of time I gave
him too much time that is my mistake you know I should have tackled that one and when he
left that's it she fought freedom here I come so that was it totally wild that has come
down all right and now it's my son's turn and when the abuse was happening there's a
lot of changes in both my girls behavior they never slept through the night they used to
have nightmares all the time she's to hit and kick and spit and and she's to everything
was I'll kill you there were times when I wished I could just end it all and then I
thought no I can't do that because that I believe in my kids behind but I'm surviving
and it's been a very long hard struggle a long hard haul but I'm getting there isn't
helpful to tell people just to forget about it for some people it is easy to forget about
it and that's their way of dealing with it but for others it just isn't helpful and they
need to or want to to face it and and to deal with what's happened to them and I think the
other thing is that everybody's different people deal with these things in an enormously
wide variety of ways and that's part of the acceptance that you accept that what the person
is going through is real for them and that to let themselves have time at the natural
healing process occur so that they understand enough about psychology and about human behavior
to know where there's a problem where there isn't that's the first thing I think the second
thing is a helping professional is hopefully objective so they're not going to advise the
person what to do or judge them and they're going to be accepting of what's happened to
them and how they feel about it and what they think about it in two years of counseling
with a psychotherapist she didn't once talk about the crime that was committed against
her she couldn't do that she had to she could only deal with day-to-day issues the second
the third child he can only remember watching a pornographic movie at this stage he's also
an epileptic and had night terrors and we feel that maybe he jumped from him after he
had these incredible night terrors where he's talking a lot of garbled maybe it meant something
to me ex-husband but not to us and so he jumped to the youngest one he's been having counseling
now for 18 months with a psychiatrist I think it's like China a vase a beautiful vase and
then when you're abused sexually abused it's like hitting it with a hammer and it's broken
in all little bits and then you glue it back together but there's little bits that can't
you can't find them can't put you know it's back together in the original form but it's
not whole it's not complete so it's like as far as healing I don't think there's an end
to healing I don't feel you know I definitely feel on my pathway to healing and but I don't
feel that I don't think you end whole again I'm with a group now called PESA and I'm
it's non-offending parents of children that have been sexually abused and it's more support
for non-offending parents but we have outings where our kids come along the sexually abused
children and I think that's really good too because I explained to my girls that the other
kids have had similar things happen to them and it's good for them to see that they're
okay they're fine and they have fun and they move on they're not marked or permanently
damaged by it not visible signs you know you go out and have fun and they all have something
in common and they don't discuss what happened to them or anything not that I'm aware of
but they all have the same attire bond I'm happy with the counselling that she's getting
I wouldn't change any of it I only wished I only wished I knew that there was counselling
like that before it took a while for me to know that there was actually a specific centre
for things like that you know a bit more sort of one-on-one basis it should have been it's
it's not public knowledge it's actually it's not very common knowledge that there are special
sexual assault centres for for things like that it's not very it's not commonly known
I mean I didn't know about it until I ran out through community health centre through
my children's school I've just finished in a group with other ladies that has helped
because we've all talked about it we've heard each other's stories and we've become friends
so I guess my support will be them hopefully them with me I find that two years down the
track they're having flashbacks and they don't even know that that's normal and they
don't tell anyone they're having flashbacks because they're frightened they think they're
going crazy they think there's something wrong with them as well as all of everything else
that's happening and if they've been to see someone who knew about trauma in the first
few weeks who said after this this is the sorts of things that are going to happen to
you'll have flashbacks and you'll have nightmares you'll have trouble concentrating and you
won't sleep ah this is normal this is part of the healing process and then they don't
get upset about what's happening to them that that in itself can be enormously healing at
the end of 12 months I want to see what he's going to do am I going to have to go back
to the family court am I going to lose the home that the kids really like is he going
to attack me I just want it over I just want to but time is going to go quick it is going
to go quick but I'm going to persevere you know I just want the kids to come out of their
positive I don't want the kids to blame I think we've already had that little bit you
know you can blame your father but you can only go so far with that after that you have
to look at what you're going to do for yourself so I've had my go at blaming him so no one
do that anymore and the kids have their my the two eldest one they've had their their
chance sometimes it still happens but you've got to think well now what am I going to do
I've got to do something for myself and find people that are going to help me to get on
with my life because I can't see beyond 12 months I really can't you can't with the
way they're going you just work a day at a time and you don't look too much to the future
because every day is different they might get up happy and like all children they have
their bad days just in normal but then when they've got problems and something triggers
off a memory then you could have a really bad day so I only live today today I want
her to be able to have a normal life when she grows up when she becomes an adolescent
when she has her first sexual encounter with someone I'm very frightened that that she
might be able to have a normal relationship my future hopes are that she should be able
to have a normal relationship as soon as I say her life fixed and hopefully I can get
my back on track but until then she's my prime object at the moment
I should like to see a variety of measures undertaken to make the lot easier for non-offending
parents and also victims the whole system needs to be made much more user-friendly and
supportive it means more sophisticated care of family members of victims and victims of
course as well after the court case is over when the long healing process commences that
means money and it means backing up the words of politicians which are so easily uttered
it means providing care and counseling and nurturing for people who have been profoundly
damaged not just by the offending but also by the whole court processes there are still
judges about who don't believe that they need to be educated about anything apparently and
it's no good if they simply have people who come from their own background their own class
position their own sex their own ethnic background talking to them about issues what's necessary
is to expose them to the experts in the various areas that they deal with and although they
won't want to acknowledge it they are not the experts in a large number of the areas
that they deal with and particularly in the area of child sexual abuse
tragedies happen all the time in this world I don't know why I don't have the answer
to that one but they do and we have to we have to get on with our lives now I don't
want to survive forget that one I don't want to survive that we are actually doing right
now I am alive my kids are alive we're surviving but I don't want to do that I want to have
a life I want to feel that my kids can handle whatever is going to come their way because
not everything that's going to come their way is going to be good they're going to come
across tough times not nice people they're going to come across all of that and I want
to feel that they can handle it and not to blame their father I can't handle this because
of what he has done to me I don't want that that would be accepting defeat things will
get better but it's going to take a while and we're talking years before things get
better if I can get in front in knowing that my kids are going to feel good about themselves
that when they meet somebody who's not they might meet somebody actually that seems okay
they think great they find and then they find out they're not that they can say yep that
person's no good I'm off that's it I don't want to know I don't want to hear I don't
want to explain I'm off I really want that's what I want that's what I'm concentrating
and that is what I want to be in front with I might help other people that would my biggest
thing because it hurts and if I could help somebody else even just to talk it's something
I like all the other kids to be safe because they're so precious careful of whoever you
make friends with just check them out because it's not as strange as any more it's friends
and it's family I should have gone with my instincts and risk losing a friend because
I'd rather risk losing a friend I'll have other people say to me that they think their
child has been assaulted and I've told them don't let it go even if it means losing a
friend you've got to take that risk because if you don't you may regret it for the rest
of your life which is what I regret and ever since I found out I've regretted that day
I should never have let it go I think once I can get rid of the guilt feeling inside
myself hopefully my life will get back on track and get my relationship back with my
daughter but I think it's going to take a long time for me to get rid of that guilt
feeling even though I know myself it wasn't my fault I didn't make it happen I didn't
let it happen I know that but I can't help feeling it and knowing something and feeling
something is two different things you have to be strong you have to be strong for yourself
and my son you have to be strong for your child or children to say that we're survivors
sort of puts us back in the victim role that you know we're still victims to say that we
thrive it's like we don't only survive we're not survivors we're thrivers we don't just
survive we thrive
I feel personally is the enormous respect I have for the people that I see and the courage
that they have in facing these incredibly ghastly problems and the faith that they have
to keep going is truly wonderful and that's very empowering in itself
Anyone wishing to find out where they can obtain advice information or counseling for
a variety of problems including suspected incest should telephone women's info link
on 1-800-177-577. Our second presentation this evening size 10 is about the way women
feel about their bodies and examines why so many women feel inadequate about the way they
look. Made in 1978 the dated clothing and even the attitudes of this film are wonderful
because it confirms that we have made terrific advances in this area since the 70s. We can
marvel at what we put ourselves through and also realise we still have some way to go.
I should warn you that this film does include full frontal nudity and I'm glad to say it's
of normal looking women and is refreshingly honest. Let's sit back and enjoy size 10.
When I was a teenager I really got into the
whole fashion and make up scene in a big way and when I look back on that time I can really
remember what a time consuming rigmarole the whole thing was how I'd have to spend so much
time getting my appearance right like curling my hair, plucking my eyebrows, shaving my
legs and my underarms and spending hours in front of the mirror getting the make up looking
right and this all came to a head when I was about 16 and got involved in a relationship
with a bloke and my whole self in that relationship was really absorbed in how he saw me and how
he wanted me to be. Like I'd dress the way he wanted me to and I'd just look and behave
how he wanted me to and this happened to the extent of me changing what I was wearing or
how I did my hair if he didn't like it and another thing during that whole relationship
was how passive I was and how he made all the decisions, he decided what we'd do, where
we'd go and spending time on the beach, I'd be sitting in the car doing the knitting whilst
he was out surfing getting fit and healthy. I think slowly I began to realise that myself
was just not showing at all, I was just, you know, I was an image, I was not a person at
all.
When I look into the mirror, you know I don't like what I see, I have to run and put my
Oh, I don't like what I see
I have to run and put my clothes on
Then at last I can recognize me
It's the size of the tit, you know it just don't fit
Into the latest dresses if you want to make a hit
So you squeeze and you shove on if it by bit
It's a size ten try to be like them
And it's the shape of my thighs
You know they just won't compromise
Into new season's tight fitting pants
Or the image of a model in a hot romantic
Really I feel basically good about my body
And there are a few parts of me that
You know I haven't quite come to terms with
And one of those is my breasts
I have been self-conscious about them for years
I mean I just thought they were different to everyone else
They were large and the nipples were large and flat looking
And I just thought that other girls didn't have breasts like I did
And even now I'm self-conscious about them
And I'm reluctant to be naked amongst
You know people I don't really know very well
And another part of me is my arms
And that's really funny because when I was younger
I thought they were great because they were skinny
And being skinny was what you were supposed to be
But now I think how scrawny and unmuscly they look
And they just prevent me from doing things that I want to do
Because I'm just not strong enough
Well the thing that's always concerned me most about my body
Is the fact that I've always had a weight problem
This is something that's really freaked me out
At least anyway since I was a teenager
It's always been a great concern to me that I've been overweight
And although on the one hand I can theorise and say
Well you know it doesn't really matter
Your appearance doesn't really matter, that's not important
It's what you are as a person that's important
At the same time I still feel I don't present an image to the world
That I would like to present to the world
Consequently I wear these sort of voluminous type dresses
As I see it to cover up a multitude of sins
I sometimes go into boutiques or dress shops and places like that
Sometimes just to look at the new materials that are out
And this type of thing to see the new designs in clothes
Just because I'm vaguely interested
And I have people come up to me like shop assistants
And they'll come up and say
I'm afraid we don't have your size madam
And I always feel then I have to make some excuse
That I really shouldn't be there
So I sort of make up some excuse and say
Well I wasn't buying it for myself, I was just looking for my daughter
To be in the first place
Still the one I've got already is better known
So I'm through with all you, what you do makes me blue
Always trying to pursue the elusive size 10
We'll say it again
Oh wouldn't it be great to be in that state size 10
Miss Women's Magazine editor, don't you tell me I'm ugly
I'm starting to enjoy the wrinkles and the hairs
One of the first things that really hit me
Was the comments I got from the girls at school
About the way my sister and I used to walk
According to them we had this wiggle
Our bums moved when we walked
I had never noticed it before
And to me it seemed really absurd
But what happened as a result of it was
I became quite perturbed about it
And quite obsessed with my bum
And really aware of the fact that it was different
From all these other tall-skinned girls
Like it wasn't just the fact that it moved in a different way from other people's
But that it all of a sudden developed a different shape
Or I thought it had a different shape from everyone else's
I thought that its skin tone was different from everyone else's
The fact that it had a few pinches on it
I thought I was the only woman in the world who had pinches on her bum
It just became really absurd
And that lasted for years and years
And now it's gotten to the point where
It isn't a problem anymore and it doesn't really worry me
But I still choose clothes that don't emphasize it
I don't wear clothes that reveal the shape of it
I'm a little bit embarrassed when I'm nude about the shape or the size of it
Which is quite crazy because in fact it's a very normal bum
And it's like many others I've seen
The first time I became aware of what I looked like
And what I was meant to look like was when I was about 12
And I was having a birthday party and I was anxiously awaiting all the other girls to come
My brother came up to me and he said
You know you'd look much better if you didn't have your glasses on
And suddenly it started changing my life
I started looking around me and looking at magazines
I remember reading 17 avidly through my teenage years
And finding that of course models didn't wear glasses
In fact no one else wore glasses that I can remember
I was about the only girl in my class
And it wasn't just glasses of course
It was all the things that went with it
Everything became focused on what my face looked like
My skin wasn't right, my lips were too thin
I didn't have cheekbones
Somehow my hair never looked right
And the rest of my body just didn't matter at all
Because I felt so hopeless about from the neck upwards
And if you looked at magazines or anything
That was where people focused on that sort of area there
And it just became worse and worse during my teenage years
Until by about the time I was 15
The thing that really finally did the straw for me
Was sitting with a friend of mine at a bus stop waiting to go out one night
And he turned around to me quite out of the blue and said
You know you're not very nice looking
You're not really beautiful but I suppose you've got personality
And from then on I went around trying to cultivate this mysterious personality
That would somehow compensate for the fact that I really felt all the time
That I had this distorted face
This sort of monstrosity that I went out into the world with
And it wasn't that I started reading things about the women's movement
My friends started changing
That I finally took to wearing glasses full time
And I've done that ever since
And that was just this whole sense of relief
For one thing I could see people and see things
And it just reflected changes in me
About where my concerns in my life were
That they were more to do with what I was doing rather than what I looked like
My first memories about body hair are an incident
When my brother and I were in the back seat of the car
And he happened to look under my arms
And notice that there are about three tiny little hairs there
And he started making jokes about it and ridiculing me
And I felt terrible about it and went home that night
And used my mother's scissors to cut those three tiny little hairs off
Ever since then I was really aware of it
And secretly I'd cut the tiny little hairs out whenever they emerged
And have gotten to the stage now where I don't shave my underarms anymore
So that's not a problem
But as far as the hair on my legs goes
When I was 14 one of my best friends turned to me and said
My God you don't shave your legs yet
I then went home and using my mother's razor
I shaved all that lovely hair off
And I then shaved for many, many, about ten years
And then what I've got now is sort of black hairy legs
And I don't feel very good about that either
I mean that's a problem now
And I tend not to wear shorts because it shows black hairy legs
I mean it's something I haven't quite come to terms with
I really resent the fact that years ago she said that to me
I think the worst thing about women looking at what they look like all the time
And being really obsessed about it
Is that they no longer have any sense of how they can move their own bodies
And I guess I became really aware of it when I saw a whole group of young women and men on the beach
One sort of fairly cool day
It was a very isolated beach
And all the women took off all their clothes and sat huddled together on the beach
All looking completely exposed, they were all very thin
They'd obviously been dieting for months to achieve the so-called correct shape
Which essentially meant they had no muscles at all
Whereas all the men looked fairly broad muscles
And they all dried up in the water and swam in comparison to what happened to the women
Who just sat and looked miserable on the beach
And that sort of thing about what happens to women
Seems to me just so wrong
And I mean I can sense it in myself
I don't have muscles that I should have
And what that does to me is make me feel very powerless
When I'm walking down streets
You know the other night I was, a guy came up from behind me
And stuck his hand around my bum and pinched my bum
And here I was, completely powerless
I mean it's partly because I'm pregnant
I felt very vulnerable about being hit
But I couldn't do anything
Because I just didn't have that sense of strength in myself
Because of all those teenage years when I could have been building muscles
Instead I was being worried about my face and what I looked like
This thing is causing me a lot of confusion
I'm getting to feel it's just a grand illusion
Maybe this face and body that I'm using shouldn't be like them
Or nothing like size ten
I'm only hitting this old world once
And I'd have to be some kind of a dunce
One I hate can chase the body I've grown
Till the one I've got already is better known
So I'm through with all you, what you do makes me blue
Always trying to pursue the elusive size ten
We'll say it again
Oh, wouldn't it be great to be in that state size ten
Miss Women's Magazine editor, don't you tell me I'm ugly
I'm starting to enjoy the wrinkles and the hairs
I'm starting to know that lovers like the fat bits
And pretty certain this old machine of mine will be free from care
You keep on wanting me to spend right through my pockets
And to buy from memes and photos that are meant to blend
My skin and my eyes and my hard-working hands
In a size ten so it attracts them
And I'm telling you it just won't do
Cause me and my body gonna affect the coup
Ain't gonna buy no more of your shit
This is my face and I'm gonna learn to love it
Miss Women's Magazine editor, don't you tell me I'm ugly
I'm starting to enjoy the wrinkles and the hairs
I'm starting to know that lovers like the fat bits
And pretty certain this old machine of mine will be free from care
Size ten, size ten
I'm gonna say it again, I'm gonna say it again
I've learned it all
For now I need your hidden love
I'm cold as a new razor blade
You left when I told you I was curious
I'm cold as a new razor blade
You left when I told you I was curious
I'm cold as a new razor blade