55 weeks to arrive in the quadrant only five weeks excellent
Master what's to become of grade two and grade one?
They are to be given a level seven punishment in accordance with the rules of the BG
Master level seven, but what of compassion they should have thought of that before but master level seven
It's so cruel discipline grade four
I will not have discipline compromised in fact the punishment shall start immediately
Have the pair of the meters on the star deck yes master
Well, what have you got to say for yourselves? I'm sorry master. I was drunk with sensuality
Dog ruta oh it was fabulous O'leary
I wouldn't have missed it for the world to have tasted the power to have had the sex the drugs the madness the control
enough enough as
Master of birth I hereby sentence the pair of you to the Jade Hurley sound cocoon
For a yet-to-be determined period for a level seven punishment this will begin immediately
Nothing escort them to the cocoon master. Please. I'm sorry not the Jade Hurley cocoon
I'll do anything but not the cocoon keep your dignity a fire. Don't let him have the satisfaction of despair
It doesn't bother me is that all you can do O'leary level seven is that your worst take them away
You're weak you hear me weak you're a putrid had been a nothing you hear me you wouldn't recognize a sense of humor
I've been you on the ball now attach the electrodes Merkin yes master
To the buttocks Merkin of course master
Now as you both know with a level seven you will hear nothing but the song of my choice
played at an annoying volume and on a continuous loop and
the song that I select is
Yes, I
Started a joke
Merkin set the electric charge for 8,000 volts and to be activated by the word I
Now let the punishment begin I
Started a joke
It started the whole world crying
Morning Merkin morning master. What is the distance now to Julius Twilight two more weeks master excellent carry on
Oh
Morning Merkin morning master we've arrived in the theater sector master excellent life signs
I have to coming from a planet near the green son of door the green son of dwarf
I've heard so much about it magnify Merkin
Amazing ah beautiful set course for the planet
Master
What about rude and sheeps how long are you gonna keep them in the Jade Hurley Sound cocoon how long's it been five weeks?
Hmm. Let's see if those two have learned anything
Discontinue the punishment Merkin I master
now
What have we learned I started a joke master that started the what the whole world crying
That I just didn't see what didn't he see a fire that the joke was on me
Master very good report the duty in one hour
I'm going for a gold for a gold for putting on a green is the most erratic thing we've ever seen
I'm going for a gold for putting on a green is the most erratic thing we've ever seen
Yes, Roy and I've been shuttling around the South Pacific trying to put out some of the bushfires created by unfortunate comments that leaked out from the big
Cairns Regional Economic Ministers meeting Roy the South Pacific has been in uproar since the pen portraits of the leaders hit the fan
What is your perspective and understanding of the osteo that is Australian eyes only?
Reportage from the the foreign
You know first about it was the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade
Yes, that that set up the program with the profiles of each of the ministers the relevant ministers of the of the the islands
In particular for a Peter Costello and you got to remember they had to put it in the sort of language that Peter Costello would understand
Yes, yes, you see what I mean. So it had to be pretty bloody clear. Yes what these ministers well
I don't have any problem with that. No, I have no problem with that at all
I mean, I mean if I was coaching a football team or if I was delivering a conference
I want to know everything about each other people involved. Yes
I'd like to know a bit of background whether one is, you know, stupid ones an idiot ones good. Yes. Yes
Yes, well, I think that's fine. Look, I think I left behind for Reuters to look at well, that's the difficult
That's true. That's still doesn't worry me. Yeah. No, look, I think it's fair enough to say that the Prime Minister of the Cook Islands
Sir, Jeffrey Henry as a describing him as a heavy drinker is absolutely accurate. Yes. He's almost bankrupted the Cook Islands
I think that's fair comment. But look, I've always found him a fun bloke. He's a lovely
Go to the Cook Islands. It's just how I Roy hello HG in you come and look
I won't hold it against it if a bloke likes a sweet cherry at seven o'clock in the morning
That doesn't mean anything to me
If he's there having a pink gin and a beautiful slice of lemon with the umbrella stuck in the side a real umbrella not one of
Those fancy things I mean this gives you an idea of the glass he's using a real umbrella
If he wants to have that with a 11 o'clock while over nice cup of tea and a say oh
Biscuit with a bit of cheese and gurgle on it then that's fine. That's fine. That's Ireland life, Roy
The sun beating down the fish
Yes, oh boy out of your brain
I've got the deep that statement here on sir. Jeffrey Henry has was reported to Peter Costello
So we understand so Jeffrey Henry a boozing bozo
Larry Lush Jeremy Jin Stanley Scott Stanley's Barry beer
Captain Contro, Brian Brandy, Colin Clarratt, Damian Drambuey, Roslyn Roger-Reesley, Keith
King, Peter Port, Harry Hock, Malcolm Martini, the Cold Duck King, Frankie Flaggan, Colonel
Cocktail, Legless Leroy, Cut a Dustgower.
He's spent 70% of the Cook Islands GDP on hoops for personal use.
He's useless after 8 in the morning.
He's a gibberry idiot by 6 at night.
Handy to have a funnel of negotiating in the late of the evening.
Well that's a Jeopardy.
What problems would he have with that?
That's him to a bloody T.
Look, what the disappointing fact, the problem was, was that went on like that for 14 pages
and Peter Costello had no idea.
He'd lost track.
That's right.
Once he got to Legless Leroy, he thought he was talking about himself.
Look, the other thing is Fiji's Finance Minister, the great, great Bernardo Buonibobo.
Buonibobo.
Was bagged.
Look, again, I've always liked him.
He was described as a poor performer.
You know, that's not our impression of him, is it?
No.
Poor performer at what?
Indeed.
I've seen him on the job and he's an absolute terrible one.
I mean, he's incestible.
Buonibobo.
He often just wears a grass skirt.
Yes.
So you can pop a grass.
That's right.
No time wasting.
That's right.
Yes, that's right.
Even during a conference, he'll pop the grass.
And I don't hold that against him.
Well, it looks very, very attractive and again, these are...
It can be distracting when you're trying to engage him in conversation and he's sort of...
Oh, yeah.
These are cultural differences, Ross.
You know, that are easily explained and understood if you've ever bothered to go to these places
and enjoy the hospitality there.
That's right.
Poor performer, Buonibobo, has no idea what the role of a treasurer is.
Oh, well.
Who does?
Peter Costello does.
He's a big rap for David Jull.
He modeled himself on Julley.
David Julley?
Yes.
He'd be the only person in the world who's done that, Roy.
I can't think of anybody else who would have done that.
Winston Peters.
Oh, yes.
Now, look, he's here in Australia at the moment, obviously, with the Blood is Loat Cup.
Yeah, where Australia's losing.
Yes.
236 will be last heard.
He's described as a loose cannon, an opportunist who spends all his time in nightclubs.
But who wouldn't if you were Winston Peters?
Isn't he an attractive fellow?
He is.
He is.
He's a real chick magnet.
He is.
He just pulls them.
He just pulls them in.
He's just got to walk into a nightclub and they're all around him.
Who are you, mate?
I'm Winston Peters.
I'm not so.
I see you now.
Yeah.
Out in the car park.
And often he doesn't...
In the Commonwealth car.
Indeed.
You've always got to have a big back seat.
Yeah, that's right.
Winston Peters.
And often he doesn't bother with either the trouser or the grass skirt.
I mean, because he's so quick.
So very, very quick that he feels as though he'd be letting the side down if he bothered
to dress.
That's right.
Look, he...
He's often had his trousers on and off.
That of an eye.
Yeah.
You don't realise he's done it.
No, that's right.
He's a magician.
Like a pigeon.
Yeah, that's right.
Now, listen.
Very quick.
How, you know...
Says here he's at the mercy of his trousers.
Oh, an interesting turn of approach.
Never.
What on Peter Crosse do I make of that?
Stands for nothing.
Likes nothing more than twisting on the dance floor.
Oh, yeah, we know that.
Hates Australia.
Well, it goes without saying.
Yeah.
Loves a joke if it involves a number of Australian politicians dog-notted in a mini-miner.
That's Winston Peters.
Oh, that's pure Peters, isn't it?
Yeah.
Got into a T.
Did you hear the one about the three Australian politicians?
Dog-notted.
Yeah, yeah.
One's a way.
One's a way.
Yeah, that's right.
Now, look, the difficult part about this was when it strayed, this whole thing, when it
strayed into language that I don't think is common parlance and which takes a couple of
visits to the dictionary to understand.
This came out when we were unfortunate enough to get comments about Chris Hivetta, the former
ministerial colleague of Julius Chan, Sir Julius Chan, the former PNG prime minister.
Now, Chris Hivetta was called a lickspittle.
Now, it conjured up me, you know, in my mind, at least somebody who, yes, indeed, who may...
Sir Julius would... and he'd...
Very unsavory idea, isn't it?
Chris Hivetta.
Occasionally, Sir Julius would, say, with another Cabinet colleague, often in excitement,
you know, have saliva come out...
Oh, with plosives, plosives.
Yeah, plosives, you know.
Like that style.
I'll give you the weather as well as the news.
I mean, Chris Hivetta, Hivetta was...
That's right.
That's right.
Cleaning him up.
And making him look very...
Well, you've got to have a blake like that in Cabinet.
You do.
You do.
And surely the goodness that that's a very difficult...
You know, I mean, how can you help that?
I mean, I don't like criticism when it just deals...
That's too personal.
Indeed, indeed.
When it's too just based on bodily functions like that.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, which... an accident's a birth and hereditary and...
Absolutely.
I agree, I agree.
And I mean, that was very, very disappointing.
I understand the people of Papua New Guinea, where we often, they go live to air on a Saturday
night and hello everyone in PNG, you know, would take offence.
They would.
They would.
But DFA has some solutions to sort of...
Spill oil.
On troubled waters.
On troubled waters.
And there's a lot of troubled water out here, believe me.
Indeed.
And then get a bit lighter and...
Yes.
Well, DFAT suggests we offer them free tickets to the Commonwealth Games.
Oh, yes.
Very good idea.
To the Olympics.
Free tickets to the Contre Ball.
Oh, yeah.
That's very good idea.
Winston Peters at the bloody Contre Ball.
There'll be no one left.
God almighty, it'd be a room clearer.
A case of beer.
A case of whiskey.
And this one I find interesting from DFAT, the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade.
Trinkets.
Well, an open order of $50 at Angus and Coot.
Some Mickey Moto pearls.
And a private audience with Jane Hurley.
And what do you mean, souvenir spoons of parts of Australia, like the Koma Blowhole and the
big glop of Victor Hubbard.
Sorry for that.
Sorry, Sir Geoffrey.
That's all right.
Oh, that'll work.
I think it's dead easy then to get back on top.
And now my very good friends, it's time to welcome to the Bug House a woman who brings
us contact with the world of British variety and all the marvelous things that it has to
offer.
Tonight she's supported by the brand new Beatles, the Nissan Cedricson Enfite, the riveting,
rowdy, raunchy rumble of the Volkswagen Razorbacks, the tune, the earth, wind and fire, Frenzy
of Fury called fantasy.
Australia, can you put another brick on the accelerator and let the chips fall where they
may as you welcome the sultry soul sound of Birmingham in the supersonic shape of Mizgol.
The shape of Mizgol Graham.
I'm going to sing to the ring forever as one.
Every thought is a dream, rushing by in a stream, bringing light to the king.
To the kingdom of new力ies.
And we will live together until the twelfth of never
We all will live together forever and one
Victory, victory in a land called fantasy Love and life for you and me
To behold, to your soul is ecstasy
You will find a kind that has been in search of you
Many lives left for you to recognize your life now in review
And as you stay on the play fantasy has a start for you
Knowing life will see you through
You should stay shining day all your dreams come true
And do you see, victory in a land called fantasy Love and life for you and me
To behold, to your soul is ecstasy
You will find a kind that has been in search of you
Many lives left for you to recognize your life now in review
That is the lethal weapon Mel Gibson AO blames the Fabian Society for all the world's ills arrangement of fantasy.
Tremendous work there from the Beatles, the Seds and we are able to load up on the load carrying footwork of the Volkswagen Razorbacks.
And what about Jackie? Well, if you are interested in seeing more Jackie, she's on at the Retro Club later this evening.
So if you are in the vicinity of the Retro Club and are interested, get on down.
Now a couple of weeks ago we reported extensively on the fallout from the big fight where Iron Mike bit the ear of Evander Holyfield and managed to prize off a little bit of ear.
And this was found and Roy, there's been some further developments on that.
Yes, it went up for auction in the United States yesterday morning our time HG and sold for $18,000 US.
An absolute steal. $24,000 Australian. Absolute steal. Great thing to have on your wall.
How would you place it on the wall Roy? You know you'd obviously maybe have a stag that you shot or the horns of a stag that you shot there.
Alongside it maybe a couple of cricket trophies, something that you might have bought at say an auction, a charity auction, maybe a Swans footy Guernsey signed by Plucka Lockett and Paul Kelly.
And then the ear and that would be the progression up the scale.
And by the way I've got Evander Holyfield's ear.
But it does raise problems for me, look it does raise problems for me.
If for example say we were at the Grand Prix and there was a big prank and Damon Hill was smashed up really badly and his head came off and we managed to catch it.
Could we keep it? Is it our head?
We'd mount it, you know, guess what, I've got Evander Holyfield's ear over Damon Hill's head.
Well you see why not, you know, that'd be a talking point.
Unfortunately I think people do do things like that.
You know I think, was it Jane Mansfield who was decapitated from the crash crash?
Yes she was, someone got hurt here.
I think so, I think so, yes I think that's right.
How's it looking?
Absolutely in the pink.
In the pink.
Yeah that's right, that's right.
Sprayed on.
And somebody else has got the rest of it, that's the interesting thing as well.
Oh I'm sure people are digging up all sorts of things all over the world, even as we speak.
Oh Ramsey's tootin' cum style.
Oh that sort of grave robbing, you know, Sotheby's will have a lot of, you know, they'll have a sale of stiffs soon and get a lot of people in, they'll have, you know, prize them.
Versace, don't bury him, let's...
Yeah, sell him.
Yeah, do it, do it.
Yeah, that's right, of course we can.
Now the ear itself Roy, how long do you think it would last out of, you know, some sort of preservative fluid?
Oh no, you'd have to have it in a vacuum.
Yeah.
Because it would go...
It would start to steep.
And wouldn't it be trouble if the cat got it?
I mean I know you're raising this as a possibility, it's obviously a...
Oh well I don't think even the smell of the cat would be all that interested in it, but perhaps you could have a little porthole so you could have a sniff.
I wonder how it's smelling this way, you know?
Well, yeah, gee, there's many, many possibilities, isn't there?
Yeah, could be an aphrodisiac.
Winston Peters.
Indeed, you'll see the crown up entirely little.
And now it's time to welcome to the Bug House a woman who has recently knocked them dead in New Zealand, speaking of Winston Peters, where she's a household name.
Mercifully, it's not her only claim to fame.
Listen, Cedric, can you welcome the second holder of the OBE to the Bug House tonight when you shout, Arise, Queen of Quips, and give us the rest of the Victoria Wood story.
While revealing every shade of the chronic, Victoria Wood helps us confront our fears.
The use of humor and veiled rumour, appealing to every behaviour consumer.
Through the mad and the sad, her style is envies, Victoria Wood, we'd love to give you.
Victoria Wood, we'd love to give you.
Yes, thanks for coming in, Victoria.
Now, late last year, a film that you wrote called Pat and Margaret was shown on the ABC television.
It's a film about two sisters, one of whom's had a huge, separated at an early stage of their lives, one of whom's had a huge success in America.
I don't know why I'm telling you all this, you know all this already.
I'm just setting the scene.
One of whose had a huge success in America.
The other ones remained in the North of England.
And they meet on a programme, a game show called Magic Moments.
And this is the fallout after they've had the meeting on the programme, and the programme is over.
Hi.
I didn't know everybody had gone.
I didn't know what I was supposed to do.
My sister being the one in glamour, I've gobsmacked me.
Come down here.
You give me such a funny look before.
I had this horrible feeling.
You don't want me to be here.
I don't.
Why don't?
I don't want to talk to you.
Why not?
I don't want this.
I'm doing a book.
I'm here to plug a book.
What are we to do then?
How did you get here?
We came on a coach.
Fine.
Go and get on it.
I'll deal with everything else.
Do you not want to know about me?
No, I don't want to know.
Have I just to go then?
Yes, a very poignant moment.
A very poignant moment.
Writers often complain about actors ruining their work.
It must be doubly difficult being in it and seeing actors opposite you ruining your work.
You have to complain to yourself if you've done it wrong.
That's right.
How did you feel about Patton Margaret?
I was really pleased with it.
I liked it.
It was nice to do something that wasn't just telling jokes.
It was nice to wear a wig.
Now, look, an easy topic to start with.
You're a keen student of diets and exercise.
How many programs have you tried?
What do you do at the moment and what's the weirdest programs you've come across?
There's a three-part question.
Three-part question.
Time starts now.
I think the worst one I've ever done was the thing that fastened onto the door knob.
You fastened it onto the door knob and you lay on the floor and you put your arms in loops and you put your feet in loops.
Then you sort of did that.
If anybody opened the door, you got a concussion.
I've done spinning.
You sit on a bike and pretend you're going up a hill.
No, I haven't done that one.
It's very big in America.
It's not really caught on in Britain because you're supposed to visualize that you're going up a hill and going there.
British people, they can't do this.
They're going up a hill now.
I'm like, what? What did you say?
It doesn't really work.
I've done slide.
We've done a plastic slide and you slip from side to side with plastic boosies on.
Yes, I've seen that.
That's awful because after two and a half minutes you just want to kill yourself because it's so boring.
I've done aqua aerobics.
We jump around the water with ankle weights.
That's good.
Did you ever try the Chairman Mao exercises?
The Chairman obviously was a very fit bloke.
He swam in the Yangtze River.
There was a photograph suggesting towards the end of his life that he was swimming there.
They put out a record which he did the exercises to.
There was a lot of obviously adopting heroic poses like this.
This was supposed to do wonders for your fitness.
They weren't a big hit in England.
No, we haven't come across those yet.
It was sort of Tim Bix style.
I suppose so.
Some sort of variation of it.
What's the weirdest diets?
I don't do diets.
I only do exercise.
You only do exercise?
I was just meaning obviously as a student of diet as fads.
I think the one where you ate eggs and bacon and the egg was supposed to eat the bacon, I think, inside you.
Are you subjecting the UK to the same sort of late night television exercise American style that we are here?
The infomercials.
For hours you're sort of bodied by Jake.
That sort of rubbish.
I thought they were real.
Because we don't have infomercials really except on cable television.
So you thought they were a real show.
Yeah, and people said, my God, it's so good.
I thought, I must buy one.
I have an exercise bike because all these people think it's so good.
I thought it was a real programme.
But you don't have that in the UK, these sorts of infomercials that might go for an hour.
No, we just have a really boring programme.
Without a doubt the best one is, if you can get a chance to see it, is the blue block of sunglasses.
But that's not speaking of exercise.
No, but it's a fad.
It's a fad.
What is it do?
While the blue blockers wear, the great claim is they're worn by a police department in America, if I'm right,
and the arrest rates have gone up 9% with the blue blockers on.
They make you see better.
They make you arrest better.
I think it's the claim.
I think that's the claim.
Victoria, you're one of a few very remarkable people.
I put Billy Connolly as another one, who were able to walk out onto a bare stage in front of thousands of people
and amuse them for a long time.
Does this have a downside?
I mean, do people make demands of you in the same way when you're off stage?
Does it have a downside off stage at all?
No, it doesn't have a downside to me.
I mean, I think what I find is that people want to make me laugh.
When I come off stage, people want to tell you jokes.
That's the only downside.
That can be a bit depressing.
That gets to you.
I've got a great one for you.
They say you're really like this, and they say you're something really filthy that you couldn't say in a million years,
because it's disgusting.
Yeah, yeah.
You don't work on the blue end.
I don't go on the blue end, no.
No, no.
I think Billy goes on the blue end language style.
Yeah, I'm more of a move person.
Right, right, right.
I understand.
The edge is towards blue, but it never quite gets in.
Right.
Now, when you got your OBE, how was that? Was that recently?
I haven't had it yet.
When does it come?
I don't know. I'm waiting for it to come.
What do you know is you're going to get it?
They send you a piece of paper.
They say, do you want one or not?
And you tick a box.
Yes, I do.
No, I wouldn't touch it with the barge pole.
And then you send that back up in a little brown envelope.
And then the next thing you know, you're in the papers.
My milkman got one as well the same day.
And his picture was bigger than mine in the newspaper.
So, you obviously, the milkman's what a person who's been doing the same round for, say, 60 years.
He's one of those that finds dead bodies.
Right. So, he's a crime stopper as well as being a milkman.
That's right.
Does he wear blue blockers?
Yes.
Obviously, I notice we load up our public servants with more and more things to do.
I suppose you'll be teaching at the school soon and probably...
Yeah, I'll be doing the school crossing.
That's right. At the same time.
Listen, can you ride on the run when you travel around?
You've just been to New Zealand and you're in Australia now.
Am I? Oh, I didn't know where I was.
I'm sorry. I've lost track.
Yes.
I thought I was in Wellington. Never mind.
So, I'm in Australia.
It's very hard to tell the countries apart, especially at this trying time.
Nobody's sitting on sheepskin here. That's a clue, isn't it?
That's right. And, of course, you would have come over with all the people to play in the Rugby Union match in Melbourne tonight.
But what I was going to say was, is it possible to include local references as you go along?
You can include a little bit. If you've got time...
When we went to Auckland, we went to a sea life place and I had jet lags.
So, I did a bit back there.
Yes.
Because that was so terrible.
Because they're having a travelator and you're looking at sea slugs and they're looking at you going, God, you look rough.
Right.
But it's very difficult to...
You can't do much. You can't do much.
No.
Because it would be so false to get all your papers and learn all the names and do a routine.
Because everybody would know you didn't know what you were talking about.
So, I don't do it. I just do Britain and people have to pick it up as they go along.
Sure.
So, I mean, when you get out and about while you're here, how long are you here for?
About two more weeks.
Two more weeks.
But I'm doing shows every night now. I've got so many shows packed in, so I'm...
Yes. So, what time... I mean, what's your routine? You'd go to bed pretty late, maybe two-ish, something like that in the morning?
Yeah. Get up five-ish. I've got two children with me, so...
Right.
And I'm training at five past five in the morning.
Is that right?
Yeah. What does Popeye look like? I don't know.
Yeah. Yeah.
So, a lot of... You'll get a lot of morning TV then?
No. I don't have to watch the television.
No.
Sorry. I don't bring my children up in that way.
We're doing education.
So, you will get...
We're watching commercials at night, they don't work.
Yeah. You will get out and about, though. You'll go and have a look at a few things.
I suppose so, yeah. I've been on Puffing Billy. That's a steam train.
Yeah.
You pick all the good ones, don't you?
Yeah.
Yeah. Three slugs looking at you on Puffing Billy.
No television.
And I found a laundry in the hotel, so I did that.
Right. I should point out the gigs are tomorrow night you're in Brisbane at Suncorp Theatre,
then you're back in Sydney on Monday and Tuesday, down to Melbourne for Thursday,
back in Sydney on the 5th and 6th of August, in Adelaide on Thursday the 7th,
and in Friday on August the 8th, and check your local papers for venues.
So, you're not going to have much time to stop, are you?
I'm having a nervous breakdown on the 9th, so that's why I'm...
And then Sydney, you're at the Seymour Centre.
Yeah.
And for four nights.
Yeah.
And the first couple of nights are sold out, or is the whole bloody thing sold out?
No, the first two are sold out. I don't know about the other two.
That's a bloody big theatre, the York Theatre at the Seymour Centre. That's enormous.
That's good, isn't it?
Yeah. TFI just incidentally that it's easier to perform in front of a vast crowd than, say, you know, 50 or 60.
Than in here.
Yes. Yeah. Much easier.
Can I ask about your husband's activities? He bills himself as the great...
Yes, I'd like to know about them.
...Supremdor.
He's a magician by trade.
He is a magician, yeah.
Do you ask how the tricks work, or is that...
He tells you.
Ah.
You can't stop him.
Right.
I always get him to think about his pyjamas and linking them together.
Other magicians come up and say, you know, you've got to tell him to stop giving the game away, or otherwise we'll be out of work.
No, I've never dive-bullied anything to anybody else. It's too boring.
Right, right.
Does he use the rubber thumb, the ball's thumb, and shove it up?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, shove it up, yeah.
But, yeah, OK.
And can he do a good, whatever you call it, this thing, palming things behind his head?
He could till he broke one of his fingers, and then he could see it through the gap in his fingers.
I read where he went for something like 24 stone to 14 stone. Is that right?
He did, yeah.
24 stone!
Was that a magic act?
No, he had his legs amputated.
He did.
He was a big bloke. Was he a big bloke when you met him?
No, he was small. He only got bigger and got smaller again.
He bulked up?
Yeah, I was really annoyed about it.
When I met him, he had a wig and a fake tan, and they took it all off, and he was bored of his pasty face.
It was too late by then. I'd already slept with him.
Now, you've slept in Clive James's bed.
I've slept in Clive James's bed, but Clive James wasn't in it.
No.
And he was very annoyed.
Does he know about it?
He knows about it now. He was really cross about it.
What sort of bed is it? Is it a three quarter bed or a Queen's size, King's size?
No, it was a Clive James size. It was absolutely enormous.
Enormous.
It was a new size specially made for his ego.
Do you realize that a lot of people in Cogra where he was born didn't like you saying things about Clive?
They relate to him as a...
I don't care.
You don't care?
I don't live here.
That's right.
Going back to the Magic Act, is there something that you've ever thought of saying, you know, the first half, the Great Soprano, the second half, Victoria...
We did do that. We did that a few years ago.
And how did that go over?
Well, it died the death basically.
What did he say?
His heart went really well.
That's right. Then they thought you'd be more of the same.
Yeah. They were disappointed because I didn't have fishnet tights and I wasn't going like this all the time.
Yeah.
Now, when people come along and see the show, they come along and, you know, a couple of... an hour each side of an interval.
Yep.
And you start off with a fairly prepared routine or hand inside it. Can you...
It can alter a little bit as it goes along, but basically it's the same show.
Right.
Right.
And with this is... do you find this... how do I put this? It's a stupid question, I know.
Go on, ask it anyway.
Yeah. Exhausting to do it. Or is it something that is enjoyable because the audience follows it along with you and sort of sustains you through it?
Yeah. They give you the energy. If you get a bad audience, which I don't often do, but if I do like a corporate thing in a hotel and everybody's drunk and they're not giving you any energy, then it's more hard work.
But I love it. Here it's been fantastic. In New Zealand it's been great.
Well, on that cheerful note, it's time to wish Victoria all the best for a fun-filled future and our school club buggery viewers, whether they're at home or here in Sevens Super Saturday, to tickle themselves senseless as a way of thanking Victoria Wood.
Victoria Wood, we love to work for you. Victoria Wood, we love to give for you.
And now we come to the moment in the show where we celebrate your endeavour with the vines. Yes, before we go to this week's deliriously happy couple, let's have a look at who greeted the judge in the bug house this time last week.
This was Andrew and Sarah. Yes, G. And what did they do?
They went to the Cremorne Theatre, sorry, the Orpheum Theatre at Cremorne to see the four and a half hour Hamlet. And they had a terrific time. They could see it by themselves.
Such was its popularity. They got very involved. There was this sort of action jam packed all the way through. One not at all, the other didn't. But a great night.
This is living.
They got into the Yorick character. They related to the Yorick very, very carefully, much as we might Damon Hill.
Look, this week the prizes include the socks, the tool socks, the get a dog hat and the Screaming Jets CD, World Gone Crazy featuring Dave Gleeson.
Plus Roy. Yes, sir. The happy couple of this week goes, HG2, the Heroes from Heaven concert at the Riot Eastwood RSL.
You've got the big Pat Elvis. You've got the younger Elvis. You've got Roy Orbison. You've got Johnny O'Keefe. Who's this one? Ricky Nelson. No one remembers him.
Look at this one. Buddy Holly. All the way from Moorunga. Elvis Presley from Marrickville. There's the Elvis Presley from Hornsby. It's a great night because this, well, it's living.
What's your name? David and Sarah. Sorry? David and Sarah. David and Sarah. And you're Sarah and David. Yes, that's it.
Look, tremendous. You've got so much trouble. I love the ball game. I love the Mickey Modo pearls. They're very, very nice. And I like the collar and tell you, it really is.
If this belonged to Dan, it obviously doesn't belong to you. It belongs to you. Oh, well, OK. Enjoy it. Have a great night. Have you seen the Heroes of, you know, the? No. No.
Have you been to the Riot Eastwood RSL? No. I have. You have. What was it like? It was nice.
Well, enjoy it again because this is living. Good on you.
A golfer, a golfer, a golfer driving to the green is the most erotic thing we've ever seen.
Yes, look, this time last week in Club Buggery, we set the nation a question in the national poll. Who should Australia help? A Cambodia, B the Mir space station, C Ian Baker Finch. Roy, what were the results?
I was shocked, HG. Let's have a look. Ian Baker picked 66 percent. Cambodia only six percent. The Mir space station, 17 percent. Others, which were mainly for Mark Woodford.
Yes. Is that a week late? Yes, a week late. But they were the other. But a very surprising result.
And the question this week, Roy, to get the nation thinking is?
Yes. The question this week is as follows, HG. The English have described our Shane Warne as a fat boy. Is he A, too fat, B, too thin, C, just perfect?
And where do they send their entries, Roy? Send it to Club Buggery, ABC TV, GPO Box, Triple I, 4 Sydney News, at the last 2001, just with A, B or C on the back of the envelope.
And Roy, sadly we've come to the end of another Club Buggery. Where are you off to in the coming week?
I think Mum, Dad and me are going to be test driving a Hyundai Sonata.
Yes. Yes. That is an exciting week.
Yes. We're going to drive to the basement, HG. We're going to see, I think on Thursday night, Darren Paul.
Oh, well that'll be good. I hope your Mum and Dad like that. They will.
Because I know they're Darren Paul freak out spots. They're Paul freak out spots. That's right.
Look, I'll be off to see Victoria Wood during the week. And then on Tuesday, 29th of July, I'm doing something different.
I'm going to go down to the Sydney Fish Markets to a launch of a book. It's a new book. It's called Cooking with Carp. Carp are much maligned fish. They're magnificent.
Are these your koi carp? Your introduced koi carp?
I think so. They're the ones that are buggering up all the rivers around the place. We're going to have a bit of a campaign to fish them out, use the cookbook and get people eating carp. It's an odd idea.
Especially the eyes. You just take the eyes out, throw the rest away. It's just rubbish. And if you can get a mound of eyes.
It's very tasty. Indeed. As we sign off from Seven's Super Saturday, Roy and I would like to thank Ina Bartroves, Victoria Wood, Jackie Graham, the Volkswagen Transporters,
and this is Cedric, the brand new Beatles, the Insterbstibby. And you the audience, whether here in the Seven or there at home on the Fiddle, Fumble and Flop.
Thanks once again for taking an interest in variety. Finally, it's time for Act 19 and the 1997 Battle of the Sounds.
The selection tonight is a little bit of flute pointing North Mayhem, originally made popular by the great, great Johnny Cash.
The selection is the jail classic, Fulsome Prison Blues Australia. Please raise a substantial shout as you welcome the loudest screaming jet of all in Mr. Dave Gleeson.
See you next week Australia.
Oh,
I was just a baby.
My mother told me, son, always be a good boy. Don't ever play with guns.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
I'm fine all the time.
I bet there's rich folks eating in a fancy dining car.
Probably drinking coffee and smoking big cigars. I know I had it coming. I know I can't be free.
Oh, but don't be the fever moving. And that's what torches me. Just like being in hell, I feel physical pain, baby.
Oh,
they freed me from this prison. That railroad train was mine. I bet I'd move it up a little farther down the line.
That's where I want to stay.
Oh,
not.
Thank you.