Being originally an abattoir site, would the abattoir...
I've never seen anything dear to my heart, because I believe that the world will stop and watch
the opening of the Olympic Games in Hobush if there's a hint of slaughtered meat there.
If there's an emblem of the original use of this magnificent facility,
if we could have a perspex abattoir up and working.
Can that fit into the bench concept tonight?
It hadn't until now.
So with this extra money?
No problem, we could do something with kangaroo meat.
You've got roughly 30 million Australian dollars, Rick, haven't you?
It's a pittance ready when you think about it.
It is, when you spread it around, it doesn't go very far.
Exactly. Now, it's vital, the message, the signal that we send out to the rest of the world.
It's an enormous responsibility that you have.
Now, and I know that there were some criticisms of what you produced in Atlanta
from the New South Wales Premier Bob Carr,
and I think Donald Horn might have had some criticisms as well.
Now, we've got to send out the signal that we're the clever country.
Now, have you thought about this at all as a concept, the clever country?
Because we are the clever country now, Rick.
I know you've been away from us.
Yeah, no, the concept of Australia as a clever country eludes me still.
Right.
I think that the last thing we need to do is to show the world we're a clever country.
I think we need to show we're an imaginative country.
Well, that's a terrific idea.
Very positive.
It does.
Because you've seen what's happened to education.
Sure, cheap country now.
We're pretty safe with that, cheap.
Now, you like using a lot of volunteers.
You avoid using stars.
Now, is there a reason for this?
No, that's not true.
We use stars whenever we can.
Like Rob Harris.
Oh, that's true.
Rob Harris.
Yeah, Rob, and in Barcelona in particular, we had all the opera stars.
Opera stars.
And they're stars penciling their names.
And there were plenty of stars in Atlanta, except we didn't take many over from here.
Right, right.
Well, what Australian stars putting their hands up.
I was talking to Judy Davis the other day.
Judy's very keen to come on board.
I know Brian Brown's very keen to come on board.
Right.
And what they're pushing for is a sort of Gallipoli thing.
Now, if we imagine this the arena, Rick, let's say this is what we're working with.
Wouldn't it be lovely and simple just to have Judy and Brian walk out into the middle and say,
hello, world, we're Australians.
In Gallipoli, many years ago, there was a bloke called Simpson and his dog.
Out comes the reenactment of Simpson being pulled unwillingly by the donkey.
By a bicycle.
Now, is this an idea?
I mean, is this a kernel of an idea?
Can we start with this?
Sure can.
I'd bring Judy and Brian on from opposing sides.
That's actually me.
Right.
That's why you're in pride.
That's good.
Judy coming out here, Brian coming out here.
What do they do when they get in the middle?
Well, the donkey actually anticipates them.
What comes from underneath?
Underneath, with Simpson on its back, Judy, Brian both say, isn't that clever?
Yes.
Turn to the cameras.
Wink, Matilda style.
And then we probably cut to a commercial because it's the only way we're going to get more
money.
Come back and then they have a Lee Enfield rifle and they shoot and the flame goes off.
And Ian Treppie, Ian Trepp's Treppie comes out and sings My Way.
Oh, Johnny Biggott.
I think you've actually saved me a lot of time.
Well, it wouldn't cost much money.
No.
Well, I don't know.
Trepp's obviously get a fair bit, but I think that Judy is prepared to donate their services
for nothing.
Lee Enfield's a hard to find.
You've brought up actually two images that get sent to us a lot.
One is the Anzac Spirit and quite genuinely, I don't think that it's a very good look for
Australia to come out into the centre of the field armed with rifles, whether they're shooting
donkeys, kangaroos or other Australians.
The lighting of the torch, a number of people have suggested we do it with rifles because
of the success of Australia's shooters in Atlanta, including balloons full of petrol
that are suspended over the torch.
A single gunshot rings out, the torch goes into flame.
But the biggest suggestion is the flaming kangaroo.
In fact, one of you have already sent that in, I think.
Well, I know Roy sent you a terrific note and I hope you won't mind reading the correspondence
over your shoulder about simply lighting it, a lepetimum style.
Blue flame.
A blue flame.
Straight up to the torch.
There's no way that you'd have to worry about rehearsal because so many people in Australia
could get that boom like that.
You start with a big can of Edgels beans that Judy brings out, Brian has them, she's got
the big lighter, Brian bends over, kaboom!
Whoa!
Welcome to the games of the 23rd Ballon d'Arc!
Well that would be irreverent, you're looking for something irreverent.
What's more irreverent and more Australian than a bloody fit Australian with a big blue
flame?
There's nothing much that comes to mind.
That's just about...
Do you get tired of people coming up with suggestions?
No, not if they're like that.
I notice in some, you know, reporting job at your work, you claim that Sydney site is
acutely sensitive of how they are perceived overseas.
That can't be right, can it?
Not with suggestions like this.
I mean you can imagine how that would be received overseas.
Open arms and...
Look, I think the problem with the blow up kangaroos was that you didn't shoot any.
I think that was more Australian.
Just imagine that, the final ceremony, they're all out there and then the spotlight comes
around looking for them on the top of the ute and then...
I mean that's so Australian, so typically Australian.
As you know, the utes were used in the opening ceremony in Atlanta so they'd gone back to
the dealers.
Couldn't be reprieved.
Yes.
They only borrowed.
And you try and represent the truth of the city, the whole city.
Now obviously in the Barcelona thing you could see elements of that that it saw itself as
with a nautical history and sort of obviously Spanish armadas and stuff like that.
I only picked up on that, there were viewers in some of the Muslim countries who saw the
invasion of Spain being represented in that same sea battle, which it wasn't.
Originally it was actually going to be the journey of Olympism from the right hand side
of the arena to the left hand side of the arena representing Barcelona, but we developed
it into the journey of Hercules to Barcelona as you picked up earlier on in the conversation.
Sorry, you weren't tempted to have a Spanish Civil War theme, in which case you could have
used Juan Antonio to reenact his very fine work all those years ago with the blindfold
and the spiring spots.
How do you get on with Juan Antonio?
Do you talk much about the Civil War with him?
Not a lot, not so much.
We've actually only ever talked once about the Barcelona ceremony and he said that covering
the athletes with the Olympic flag was probably the finest moment and he wished that was done
in every ceremony.
So there may be something here we may wrap people in the flag.
Does he get hands on?
Does he come and have a look at a rehearsal and say, no, look, this stinks.
I've got a great idea for you.
No, he doesn't.
What about things that go wrong?
I believe in Barcelona you had huge timber rings, one of which broke and you couldn't
have four, so you had to throw away that idea.
I think in another game you had an American Eagle might have been in LA and the eagle
died unfortunately.
It was an eagle that had been rehearsed I think to come down on land at a specific time
and it was terrific but it died and you had to throw that idea out.
Does this happen often?
Big mistakes?
Yeah, every four years.
So is there a trick?
I mean, don't use live animals.
Yeah, actually Bomber was his name, an American Eagle.
There's an American bald-headed eagle which is the official mascot of America and very
few of them around in 1984 and we got hold of an American Eagle from the National Parks
and Wildlife who had been brought up from infancy, I guess it is, in a cage and our
trainer had a lot of trouble getting Bomber to fly properly because we want to bring Bomber
over the top of the stadium, fly down and land on a standard where the American flag
was and Bomber was going to land on top of the American flag standard, a magic moment
as the American anthem was played.
And Bomber couldn't really do even 50 metres and he was going to have to do 150 to pull
this stunt off and he was taken up in the mountains by the trainer who caught a sniff
of mountain air and...
Steroids?
Yeah, steroids all that, happening behind the scenes and we got a tragic phone call
two days before happening ceremony and Bomber's carked at a morning flight and he fell on
an air-truck.
You wouldn't have that trouble with Australian sheep at that last little distance.
If you wanted them to do something no matter how rowdy, no matter how lewd, no matter how
in keeping with the Olympic spirit, they'd be there when they had to be.
But you're no stranger to killing birds.
I noticed with Barcelona when all the birds came out they all went into the flame.
We had burning dead birds spilling down.
Was this part of the master plan?
I'm afraid, Roy, you're mixing your Olympics.
Which one was it where the birds died?
That was in Korea.
We actually had specific instructions from Juan Antonio not to burn the birds in Barcelona
and we went to a lot of trouble to put microwave transmitters with old ABC programming in the
cauldron and that kept them away.
Well, on a chipmunk's note, it's time to wish Rick all the best in the big show K-Back come
the year 2000 and I ask everyone whether they're at home or here in Yarnas coming back to the
ABC to get out their old Olympic souvenir and bang them together.
Thanks Rick, bye!
The
Ajax has so many stories to tell, stories of dealings with other cultures and other peoples.
So in space the weirdest things can happen, just be prepared.
Losing my sense of maleness was an absolute nightmare.
As bad as doing a hard gig and there are times when you'll always have a hard gig.
Believe me, I've had some doozies.
Oh, tell us, master.
Well, my first professional gig was in a night club owned by the shifty big taub.
A slimy taub if there was one.
Greasy, unkempt, filthy, hard to please, vicious form of life.
It's so unsettling to meet them, let alone entertain them.
Anyway, I had to do a three hour gig for these vermin.
Oh master, that must have been horrible.
What's so distasteful about the taubs?
I hate them.
That's what's so distasteful.
They're greasy, slobbering swine.
Well, I like them.
My first 19 sexual encounters with taubs, they're a very fit.
Giving people.
I'm sure the master didn't mean to demean the taub people per se.
Oh yes I did.
So you're telling me we have to meet with the taubs before we can even set foot on Novus 9?
Correct.
A protocol demands we obtain a visiting permit before we proceed to Novus 9.
Well, I don't like it.
I don't like them.
I'll tell you this for nothing, Dogruder.
There's a downside to being the master of an earth.
You have to bend over backwards, bowing and scraping to all kinds of intergalactic rubbish.
Okay, how do we get this permit?
We orbit around the planet Tint and they send the ambassador to us and we... entertain him.
And who is this ambassador?
A certain Slotak Gruff.
Do I have to remember his name?
It might help, master.
Slotak Gruff.
Novus 9. It must be so lonely for whoever's out there by himself.
He could have been there for hundreds of years.
He must be completely mad by now.
Probably, but we'll only find out with permission from the taubs.
These taubs, what are they like, Grade One?
I know the language but I've never met them.
Socially, very advanced.
Gender means nothing to the taub, which can disturb earth people who are narrow enough to see sex as only a means of procreation.
Oh, I see.
You might find meeting them interesting.
A cultural exchange is the usual price for a visiting permit.
And a cultural exchange for the taub usually means kennel sex.
Oh, really? We weren't taught that in school.
Okay, crew, the taub ambassador from Tint is due at 0900.
What was his name again, dog-rooter?
Slotak Gruff, I believe, master.
Yes, yes, yes, right. Now, I want us all on our very best behavior.
Does anyone here speak the taub tongue?
No, master, but I am willing to learn it.
I know only three words, master. Stop, go, and more.
Ahem, I speak taub quite fluently, master.
Excellent. You can interpret then, Merkin.
Okay, prepare yourselves. He's due now.
Five rings, I sing about five rings. Five big inflatable big rings.
The curse of fire blight for this plant-killing disease is sweeping the nation.
It was discovered by New Zealand scientist Chris Hales a couple of weeks ago.
He blew into Berkstown and pointed the finger at some plants in the Melbourne Botanical Gardens.
Roy, how did you respond to the news?
I was very shocked, HG, to think that we've got fire blight.
Fire blight, I should say, in Australia.
I'm very suspicious. I don't really think we have.
Well, what are the prior blight symptoms, Roy?
What should kitties be looking for in their backyards?
Well, look, it's easier to confuse with a lot of other things, HG.
Look, I went into the Botanical Gardens here in Sydney just this afternoon to see if I could spot any blight.
Now, this specimen here, if we have a look at this very, very carefully, actually, this looks like fire blight from a distance.
But if you have a look at it up close, I don't know if we can get this on the...
Can we see this here?
Yes, we can see it's got all the hallmarks of fire blight, i.e. a plant is dying.
This isn't fire blight.
Here, if we have another look here at this piece here, this is from a peach tree, HG.
A peach tree, again, we examine it.
Fire blight, no, not really.
It's got black spot, but that's natural for peach trees at this time of year.
I have no doubt, and this is a bit of a petunia, I think, here, HG.
This is a miniature petunia.
If you have a look there, all the hallmarks of fire blight, i.e. if you have a look at the brownish leaves there,
if you have a look yourself, if you have a look at the brownish leaves, they look as if they're fire blight.
Yeah, they certainly are.
No, jingoes, it's a living, creeping thing that's consuming everything in its wake.
Leap's out of you, doesn't it?
Certainly not.
But this is just natural attrition of leaf matter here, this is natural dip,
because as we go to this time of year, leafs start falling off.
Or automates, et cetera.
Or automates, et cetera, et cetera.
Now, if these were taken to New Zealand, they'd say fire blight.
Fire blight.
Now, I've been there, I had a look at the Katoni Aster at the Melbourne Botanical Gardens earlier in the week.
It doesn't look to me like fire blight, it just looks like a Katoni Aster that hasn't had much water.
So I see a massive conspiracy here.
Well, look, Roy, I think it's fair to say that the Hales thesis about the fire blight does leave a little bit to be desired,
because I've looked at this bloke's work from a camp or distance for years now, and I find it very, very, very ordinary.
You know, who knows what happened?
He took the samples out of the Melbourne Botanical Gardens onto a plane.
He didn't sit with them, they were down the back, obviously, in the luggage.
Who knows what could have done?
Unless he had them in his trousers.
Well, indeed, unless he smuggled them in.
Then he smuggles them into New Zealand, you know, obviously nod wink to the customs people on the way in.
They're left in a lab, anything could have happened to them there.
They were put in a taxi to go from the airport to the lab.
What could have happened there?
Probably, you know, tampered with.
Then they're—
Dean Cappabianco style.
Indeed, Dean Cappabianco style.
I mean, that's the thesis I'm developing.
It's Cappabianco all over again.
All over again, Roy, with his fire blight.
And the bloke gets in on Monday morning, spends a—
Well, obviously, he had to open his mail, he'd been away in Australia.
He had to do a few other things.
They're lying around.
Anybody could have torched them with a bunch of murder.
Or come in with a bit of fire blight.
And then he'd stuck it on there.
Look, I think, you know, how certain were you that Hatton and Hales, when he blurted out, blight, blight, blight, blight, was right?
Actually, I immediately thought, hello, this bloke's a New Zealander.
Yeah.
Look, I think we've got to state some facts.
I've had it with New Zealand.
Yes, I have.
I really have.
They've been asking for it ever since the underarm incident happened.
Yeah.
I'm glad the underarm incident bloody happened.
If you look at it, you've got your—say, your Crow brothers that are pale imitations of the Chapel brothers.
You've got your Sam Neal who's a pale imitation of Mel Gibson.
You've got your David Longy who's a pale imitation of Gough Whitman.
Everything about New Zealand is sadly a very, very pale, poor imitation of Australia.
They know it.
As well as that, we have the best, beautiful, most delightful, chunky, biting apples in the world, and they know it.
And they've got those pathetic, fire-blighted, bloody excuses for apples.
I don't know, have you had a New Zealand apple? I have.
No taste, flowery, dull, thick-skinned.
On the rot.
On the rot.
Even that bloody picture, the piano.
The piano, which I regard as a New Zealand picture, not an Australian picture, it's a New Zealand picture.
To it, very dull.
Lloyd, do you think it could be industrial sabotage?
Of course it's industrial sabotage.
Do we need ASEAN?
They went out into bloody South Australia, not Hale, but one of his mates, let's say his name was Bopp.
He slipped into the Botanical Gardens in Adelaide, hello, goes home, fire-blind.
Go to the Botanical Gardens in Sydney, they'd find fire-light there.
There, fire-light, crazy!
I'm happy with you.
Lloyd, what are relations?
They're Kiwi's bloody magic, just a pale, bloody imitation of Australia too.
Chris Lewis, that bloody hopeless dud, bloody ordinary tennis player, a pale imitation of Pat Kat.
The Orplax, just a pale imitation of the Orbeez.
Or less.
The rugby league, they're hopeless.
The only bloke they had was that John Walker, middle distance runner, big bloody yawn, he was.
And he was born in Australia.
Look, this nation's got a lot of problems, Lloyd, and I want to establish an idea tonight.
I don't know how it's going to go over.
Look, this nation's got a lot of problems.
We've got people worried about whether they should take the $450 for the $60,000 they've saved up.
We've got a lot of problems in other parks, with health insurance and so on.
But I think we could bring this nation in behind the current government with a war on New Zealand.
I think what New Zealand won't like is a dawn raid.
I think what New Zealand is scared stiff of is a lot of Australians coming over in boats with guns, pointing things at them,
and saying, stand over there pal, until we've spoken to you.
And stop trying to be funny.
You know, all that sort of stuff.
I think what New Zealand would like to see is a good old fashioned shelling war.
I think this could be just the thing, just the thing that this nation needs to pull it in behind us,
behind the Sydney Olympics, behind the Federation celebration and so on.
It's all unemployment.
It's certainly a child unemployment.
It'll be good for the economy.
And let's not forget that the current Prime Minister's name is John Winston Howard,
named after Winston Churchill, who was only any bloody good when he went to war.
So I say take a cue, John Winston Howard, from the idiot you named after.
Let's get across the Tundra.
Let's get a few blokes in there.
Let's get a bit of support, the idea of knocking over fly-by-by killing a few New Zealanders.
That's a good house war.
I think the audience is fighting with their hands.
Right.
I mean, they've only got that bloody Winston Peters.
He's a pale imitation of John Howard.
How much bloody vanishing cream is that like wearing?
By the way, I think I've found some fire blood.
It is actually, look.
That's a bit of buggery.
Yes, from the Sydney Botanical Gardens.
We'd better let them know.
We'd better.
We'll go down straight after this.
Now it's a tremendous through-to.
Welcome back to Yarras, a woman who's left us totally limp time after time
with a sultry, no-nonsense approach to swiveling the hips in tune
with the wild rhythms laid down by the brand-new Beatles.
Tonight, her swiveling is supported by the Nissan Cedric's,
and right downstairs on the toes,
look out for the lively footwork from the Subaru Liberty RX Sedans.
The tune Game of Love, Australia,
can you start twisting the night away and create a din
by clashing your buttocks together as you welcome to the Bugghouse
Ms. Monica Coppaganda.
Come on, baby, let's all eat it.
Come on, baby, let's all eat it.
Come on, baby, let's all eat it.
Come on, baby, let's play.
Love, love, love, love, love, love.
Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on, baby, your time is right.
Love your dad with all your might.
Hold me, baby, don't hold me tight.
Play the game of love.
The purpose of a man is to love a woman.
So come on, baby, let's all eat it.
Come on, baby, let's play.
The game of love, baby.
That was the Why Adriana Gottsit-Burgo-Tells-All
arrangement of the game of love.
The Beatles and the Cedrics on the turn with the genius of gyration.
And I could get a struck match between their work
and the spine-tingling toe work of the fabulous Subaru Liberty RX sedan.
And what about Monica's performance?
Well, that once again has reduced everybody.
I think I can speak on everybody's behalf to a heap of slightly damp rubble.
Congratulations to all.
Now, Roy, Fox Hunting, look, it's come back into the news this week.
It's been on the boil for some time.
And I know you've got some interesting statistics
that you want to lay on the audience.
So we've been running a poll here on Fox Hunting.
Can I get you to take us through the questions the survey asked
and then the results, which I think will shock a lot of Australians?
Yes. The questions were simple, HG.
The first one was have you ever fox hunted? Yes or no.
Do you like fox hunting? Yes or no.
Interestingly, with the statistics, with the audience, actually,
I think we've pulled about 50,000 people who've been into the club
over the last 18 months.
Of the first question, have you ever fox hunted, 0.2% said yes.
Do you like fox hunting? 99% said yes.
I think there's a grand swell of opinion out there
that says thumbs up fox hunting.
Look, can I just say, I don't know how many people would be familiar
with this caper.
Obviously, you get it dressed in the morning in a funny gear,
get up pretty early, and then you have a couple of slugs
of something that's pretty stiff, you know,
like something as close to rocket fuel as the liquor store will allow.
Then with the funny gear on, you throw a leg over a big chestnut
and you get a lot of hounds, you know, hounds on the hounds,
somebody with a bit of a trumpet turn, then they sort of snip them,
up they go, timidly clop, timidly clop, over fences,
timidly clop, timidly clop, over fences, on the hound,
all that sort of stuff, and then they spot a scent,
and then everything converges and they get this small thing
about this big and just rip it to shreds,
and then they have another couple of stiff ones,
and up they go again, over fences like that,
and the great thing in Australia is you have barbed wire.
I love it when I see a horse go over barbed wire
and a couple of dogs go through barbed wires,
because there's always a bit of telltale sort of...
Gash. Yeah, gash, or just streaks on everything by the end of the bar.
Hup and rub, we call it.
Now, Roy, what are the implications of this survey?
I mean, I know it looks as though the Labour Party
is in a bit of trouble in England with regard to, you know,
obviously knocking it over there, and I know there's a lot of chat in Australia.
What are the implications, do you think, of a survey?
Do you think we could extrapolate from those results
to the whole of the Australian public, you know, vis-a-vis fox hunting?
Look, I've been listening to a lot of talkback radio, HG,
and it's all pro-fox hunting.
Yeah. Yeah, I think the nation is galvanised behind your hunters.
It's an issue, isn't it? It is a big issue.
I hope it doesn't tear the nation apart.
Well, 99% would tear 1% apart, but...
Hey, that's happening. That's fox hunting.
Hey, that's Australia.
But my feeling is, see, it's a thin edge of a wedge.
I've always felt about fox hunting. I've always loved it.
Because it proves to yourself, it's a metaphor to prove
the human ascendancy over animals.
Because if you give animals a bit of a sniff, they'll bloody well take over.
Next thing you know, bloody Simpson's donkey will be getting a DSO.
You know what I mean? You've got to keep them bloody well down here.
Nothing sends out a better signal than getting on a horse,
forcing it to follow the dog that's following the fox
until you kill the mongrel bloody thing
and have the tail on your mantelpiece with your pipe
and a couple of chums out, and they say,
how did you get that? And you say, I bloody bagged it this afternoon.
Now, Roy, are there any ways we could make it more humane?
Look, I think everybody loves seeing dogs, oh, on the howl, on the run,
horses, you know, clippity-clop, clippity-clop style.
Is there anything we could do to sort of defuse what is, I think,
I believe a legitimate RSPCA concern?
You know, is there any way we could just get a bit of a rag
and dip it in a bit of something, you know, like kerosene?
Well, you could have the fox, I suppose, put down humanely.
And it drank around. Northern territory style.
It chooses to die with it.
It chooses to die with it, puts its paw on it.
Not a worry.
And then you tie it to a bloke. Yeah, who's on the run.
Who's on the run. Someone quick. And who's got a bit of speed?
Steve Monaghetty. Steve Monaghetty style.
Clippity-clop, clippity-clop.
And then we... Steve Monaghetty and tear him to bits.
Would you go that attack? Or would you look behind him?
No, I think you're trying to dog the loose Steve alone.
Just fiddle with the dead cucks.
That'd be just as much fun. Yeah, it would.
I don't think dogs are mine.
Now, look... You could use rabbits.
Bunnies. I'd like to chase a bunny. Tied to a bloke.
Look, you think knowing there was tied to a bloke and dead...
Anything tied to a bloke, anything dead tied to a bloke.
Well, chase it. But do you think it would ruin it
knowing that the rabbit or the fox was already dead?
I suppose it would have been. Yeah.
I suppose it would have been. Yeah.
What if you had a bunny tied to a dead bunny, tied to a big dead fox,
tied to a bloody quick dog, tied to a horse? Tied to a bloke.
Tied to a bloke. Tied to a land cruiser.
Tied to a land cruiser. Yeah.
Land cruiser. Well, that could go anywhere.
Tied to a quick boat. Yeah.
Listen, just before we leave this topic, I know the rooting king loved a hunt.
He probably liked when he got the flair of a fox in his mask.
Well, the king hated the dogs.
The king never needed dogs. Yeah.
He's not rooting king. No.
Oh, no, he liked to get the foxes by himself. Right.
He bark, he do the... He do everything.
He'd wear the jacket, you know what I mean?
He'd have the hot putty. Yeah.
He's a funny bloody horse. Yeah, he was.
Just going back, what does the boat do in that sequence?
Oh, sorry. I'm not too sure.
It happens to be a sort of what? Holocraft.
Well, that's not good. No, it's not.
That's not bad. And a man.
It's a skiff. Well, otherwise you limit yourself to...
Land and sea. Well, the waterways.
Yeah, true. True. You've got to get back away.
Still, well, yeah, horses, bunnies, foxes.
They all love swimming. People, boats.
Now, on the director's special, it continues as we welcome to the Bug House
a man who has had all the greats working for him in his biopics.
He's had, you know, a terrific range of cast packed down on the Yimma Boy Spray,
flirting, dimboola and sirens.
Nissen Cedrus, can you scream standby?
Turn over. Shmoot. Action. Cut.
And when you have a look at it back on the video split and give it the thumbs up,
can you shout, that's a wrap, as you give us the John Digan story.
Lights. Camera. Action.
He's got control to bring. He's got a cool history.
Open up the shutter. Flirting with the gutter.
And cut. Print. John Digan's the man.
Another film in the can.
He's the control figure. The focus is sweet.
Open up the lens. See what the actor intends.
And cut. Print. John Digan's the man.
Another film in the can.
Another film in the can.
Yes, thanks very much for coming in, John.
And now the film that's currently released of yours is called The Leading Man.
Now this is basically, for those who know the ACDC tune Dirty Deeds Dunder Cheap,
it's a representation of that in film.
We've got a clip here now. I should explain.
The hubby is on with one of the stars of the play.
Another male lead in the play decides to help out the hubby by sort of suggesting
that he'd make a good companion for the playwright's missus.
We see the playwright and the leading man, if you're following me, at a bar,
setting this up now. And look at the bloke on the right.
Two people who could be happy together, but only at the expense of the third.
I said I was a mercenary, Hart.
What?
I said I was a mercenary.
What does that mean?
I could seduce your wife.
Are you crazy?
That's serious.
Yes. Now we need to talk about John Bon Jovi as a way of discussing The Leading Man.
Do you, obviously, you'd seen him in previous things,
or did you come to him totally new as a director?
I came to him new as a director, but I was impressed by his temperament
and his footwork. I think he's a good judge of a run.
And with his googly's, I thought he could develop into a good all-rounder.
How did you get on with John Bon Jovi the band, or Bon Jovi the band?
Were you a fan of theirs?
I didn't know.
Had you seen them?
I hadn't seen them live at the time I cast him.
I knew him as this face covered with very long hair.
And I didn't realise that he was actually very serious about acting.
When I sat down with him, I could see and started to read with him,
I could see he was really a major talent, and I think that he's going to go a long way.
He's had a bit of a reputation as a hellraiser in the band.
Was this, he was just playing a part then, was he, as the hellraiser?
It's hard to tell. I mean, he was, I guess, a vestige of his past was the fact
that there were very large numbers of groupies that would turn up from time to time.
And when he would actually appear, they would throw their underwear in his direction.
And ever a one for a good business deal, the production manager saw the opportunity
to actually sweep these pairs of underwear together and do a deal with a Japanese import-export firm.
As for Bon Jovi?
You see, there's a big market for used female underwear in Japan
where they sell them individually to lovesick businessmen.
Isn't that a beautiful story? And that's how you financed the film, is it? Off the underwear trial?
Yes, basically we were able to shoot an extra two weeks on that.
There's a lot of lovesick businessmen in Japan.
And when the film budget was going down the Google, you had to send John out the front a few more times
just to get the underwear coming back in.
That's the way it went.
John, that would be a very interesting film to make.
The story of Japanese businessmen and what they get up to with used underpants from the West.
Have you been lured to this as a story at all?
And do you know what they get up to in the quietness of their own sadness?
With the, with the garment?
Well, I can only speculate and base my speculations on the sort of things that I get up to with my own underwear.
Did the producer give you a presentation pack of underwear when you left the shoot?
No, because I'd actually kept a selection of the underwear that had been thrown at Mr Bon Jovi.
But actually one of the things about the Japanese company is that they always sell them better
if they actually can include photographs of the owners of the underwear.
Now we couldn't actually supplement that, so I did a side deal with Barry Humphreys
and we got some coy pictures of Dame Edna Everidge.
Sharped them in with each pair of underpants and their business is booming.
Is there any sense of, I don't know what we're talking about this, value addedness with the underpants?
If there's, if there are any sort of stains at all, John, does that bring a bigger, more yen, I suppose?
I think you charge more for discharge, yes.
Now, you're no stranger to working with actors who have problems with underwear, are you?
I mean, I think that when L McPherson comes to mind, and you seem to be interested in luring into films,
people who previously seemed unlikely starters in the acting caper.
Yes, I suppose so. I mean, I think that people like L and Bon Jovi have been doing quite a lot of acting in public.
Actually, now that you mention L, I think that one of the more responsible ways of approaching that particular shoot
was when we did the nude scenes, because we had some very degenerate members of our crew.
We had a bald grip who would breathe heavily whenever he got near the actresses.
Aren't they animals, those grips?
They can be. We had an electrician who would dribble copiously whenever he got near them.
So when I came to actually direct the nude scenes, I decided to have these members of the crew blindfolded.
The actresses were very pleased when they came on the set and saw that this was the case,
but they whispered amongst themselves and asked if I could be blindfolded.
I said it was only really the degenerate members of the crew that needed to be blindfolded, and they said exactly.
So did you offer to put your underpants on your head?
Yes, I did, but that didn't work because they actually insisted that the holes for the legs be sewn together.
So I was literally directing Sight Unseen.
Did El MacPherson and John Bon Jovi, for example, did they have to audition at all?
Did you audition them or did you just take the name on face value, knowing that it would add value to the film in terms of promoting it?
Yes, they absolutely had to audition. I auditioned several people for the roles.
I felt in the case of El that if Norman Lindsay had still been alive, he would have been delighted to have had the opportunity to paint her.
Well, you got her to bulk up, didn't you? She had to eat a lot of pies and things to get...
Yes, it was hard to get her away from the pies, as a matter of fact.
She ate half of her own accord. I had no interest in her becoming big, but she chose to be that way, and I thought she looked marvellous.
Do you believe that anybody can act? I don't mean this as flippant as it sounds.
I mean, a lot of people are applying their idea of acting in promoting lingerie or being in a hard rock band or a soft rock band, depending on your attitude.
Can anybody in public life... Is it always a performance? I mean, could John Howard appear in a film?
Yes, I think he could. I think he would be rather good in films of the genre like The Mouse Who Roared or something like that.
I think it is possible for... I think everybody has the potential to act, but maybe it's a matter of nerve,
and it's the ability to appear to be relaxed in public that allows people to get away with it.
Yes. Now, a lot of your films, I mean, you take on the idea of ethics as an idea.
I think in your early days you rejected, say, logical positivism, which suggests that things are metaphysical, meaningless, because they can't be measured,
and you took on ethics as an idea, that is, that people are responsible for actions, etc.
Now, has this been an enduring theme for you, that people are responsible for actions and therefore so are filmmakers?
That being the case, filmmakers, particularly American filmmakers who make films about violence and sex for no other reason,
are they then, ethically, in your terms, creating problems?
Not necessarily. I think it's the way that violence is depicted in films.
I think if violence is actually filmed in a way that excites the audience, then I have questions about it.
So you'd have trouble working with, say, George Miller because of Mad Max?
No, because I think violence of that kind is done also in such an expert way that it's essentially entertaining,
and people can see that it's comic strip. It's only really when, I think, those who have a disposition to be excited in a particular way by violence,
when the films invite their aggressive instincts, that I think that it becomes a problem.
But I'm against censorship of any kind. I think it's simply just up to filmmakers themselves to take responsibility for what they do.
Self-censorship. So can you cite any films that you think treat violence in the wrong sort of way?
Personally, I think Natural Born Killers is a film I didn't much like.
It's films like that that actually invite copycat killers on about three or four occasions so far around the world.
People have, if not dressed up as those characters, they have said when they've been arrested after going on some sort of imitative killing spree,
that that was the film that inspired them. Now, personally, as a filmmaker, I would hate it if somebody tried to justify what they'd done
or at least said that they'd been inspired by what they'd seen in a film of mine.
Just coming back to The Leading Man, most of your films have a certain sort of social twang about them,
sort of exploring growing up in Australia and so on, whereas this seems to me just a purely entertaining film,
a film made in another country without really being able to, I was looking for, say, Thatcherist implications or something like that.
But it comes over set in a rather damp English, you know, Morkish sort of climate.
Is it meant to be an entertainment or is there a larger message there?
No, it's purely an entertainment. I think that there are films that can have social messages and there can be films that are purely entertaining films.
Amongst the films that I like, there are films of both kinds and I hope to be able to make films of both kinds.
Well, on that cheerful note, it's time to wish John all the best for his film-filled future and The Leading Man in particular.
And I ask all Club Buggery viewers, whether they're at home or here in the yarn,
to come back to the ABC to get out their copy of cinema papers and bang them together to thank John Digan.
I think the big news in film this week is that Eric Cantona, the Manchester United soccer player that has just retired,
and is going to link out with Mickey Rourke to make a film. Roy, what's the story here? What's the nature of the plot?
I think they're playing failed boxers, HG. I assume Eric would probably be a failed kickboxer.
I'm not too sure. But I think it could work because Mickey's got that sort of roguish... Remember him in Barfly?
Oh, that's an tremendously exciting man.
I think he was a boxer. I think he was a sort of junior Welderweight.
Many years ago he reprised the act.
No, he got back into the ring.
Oh no, he reprised the act with not much success.
No, I think he took out some bloke. He took out some bloke that never fought before in his life.
Can't remember a thing about it.
Can't remember a thing about it. But he took him out in the 12th round, I think.
Will Eric and Mickey get the fat shorts on and the big boots and get out there and do a bit?
Oh, I think so.
Yeah?
Oh, I think so.
Where would you be putting them?
I think it's based loosely on the life of Ozzie J. Bushner.
That'll be a big picture.
Takes two blokes to play him.
Yes, that'll be a very big picture. And now it's an enormous
for Club Buggery to present on the stall this evening an exhibition of old-fashioned hats in the air, jaw-dropping magic.
Look, I love magic. I love the whole magic thing. I try and work out how they do it. But let's have a deep drink of the craft right now as we welcome to the stool Timothy Hyde and the Amazing Linda.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes. And now we celebrate your endeavor with the threads. Roy, before we go to this week's winners, let's have a look at the happy couple. The happy trio, I think it was, who greeted the judge this time last week.
Yes, actually it was Kate Angelo and Brent. We set off to the Peter Shemarres cell, where they were met by the local member for Grainla, Anthony Albanese. And Anthony certainly knows how to enjoy himself, took the kiddies through and gave them an absolutely splendid time.
Very engaging bloke, taught him how to do the pokies, obviously. And then I think he might have taken these young kiddies boldly.
Nothing I like more than a game of pokies with my local member. Yes, the local member. And he did a terrific shot here, spoilt the game for everyone, no surprises there. And then it was on to the snooker, where Anthony was very, very ordinary.
And then the young kiddies took over, actually. It might have been Angela, who showed she was an absolute dab hand. None of these shots were set up. She was absolutely tremendous. I think she had a break of 19 there and ended up potting the black.
And then it was off to enjoy a bit of seafood Albanese, which is a special Peter Shemarres cell dish, where the seafood is covered with a lot of rubbish. And those kiddies had an excellent time.
This is living.
I'll say. Yes, tremendously the battered salve still on the menu there at Peter Shemarres cell. This week prizes stick on tats. We've got the toolboxes. We've got a couple of CDs, Monica's Seaside Adventure, plus the big one from Melanie Oxley and Chris Abrams. Roy, plus this very, very big bonus prize.
This week, I see we're setting a happy trio to the Sydney football stadium to see Ilwara the South. Oh, this is going to be tremendous, HG. All the skills out there. It's going to be marvelous because this is living.
Just here. Congratulations. You've come in black. Was it your idea? What's your name? Danny and Joe. Danny and Joe. For how long have you been together? About three years. Have you been to the Sydney football stadium before? No, we haven't. Have you seen Ilwara the South before? No, we haven't. You'll go because? This is living.
Oh, yeah.
We come to the end of another show. We come to the end of our director's special here on Club Buggery. Roy, where are you off to in the coming weeks? HG, I'm off to Canberra to the Steers auction that's happening. The Canberra Abattoir is being sold off.
There are some terrific items I want to put a bid on. There's the gravity and motorized nasal probe and stimulating. There's the Jarvis carcass splitting sore and bleeding shackles.
How long since you've seen a Jarvis? I haven't seen a Jarvis bleeding shackle in years. I'll bring back so many memories. And also, I haven't seen one in years either, HG, the Kentmaster brisket sore and captive bolt pistol. So I'll be putting a big bid on those.
Roy, look, I'm going along to watch some rugby league on Wednesday night. Look, I'm not going to learn any players because I'm doing that as a protest because I want to bring peace to rugby league. I will only start learning players when there is peace between the two tribes of rugby league. I'm just going to go along and enjoy the spectacle and try and imagine nothing in the last two years has happened.
I think it's going to be terrific nights, state of origin, New South Wales playing Queensland. And you know, I've got a tear in the eye already because I know it's going to be so good. So good.
As we sign off from Yarnas coming back to the ABC, Roy and I would like to thank Rick Burch, John Digan, Monica Traviger, the Subaru Liberty, Rx Sedan, The Innocent Cedric, the brand new Beatles and Ian Terps Turfee and you the audience, whether here in the back to the ABC or there at home on the tug.
Thanks once again for taking interest in variety. Finally, it's time for Act 10 and the Battle of the South. The battle, this battle has captured the nation's imagination. We're doing so much website work with tabulating the votes. It's just incredible.
And I believe it is because this battle, unlike so many media offerings in this day and age, this battle delivers what it promises. And that is class week in, week out in the toughest variety competition in the world.
Tonight, contestant number 10 is hurling before us the Aretha Franklin classic, Think Australia can create a dent at your place because taking the ball up in the battle tonight and getting the hard ones on the turn is Melanie Oxley. See you next week, Sinfiners.
Let yourself be free. Let's go back. Let's go back. Let's go way on the way back. I didn't even know you. You could be too much. I ain't no doctor's degree.
But it don't take much. I see what you're doing. Think about what you're trying to do to me. Let your mind go. Let yourself be free. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom.
Think about it. Think about it. There's nothing you can't ask. I can answer you what I want. I want. I want. I was gonna change all night if you keep doing things I don't. Don't think. Think about what you're trying to do to me. What you're trying to do to me. Let your mind go. Let yourself be free. People walking around everywhere playing games and chasing scores.
Trying to make other people lose their minds. So be careful you don't lose yours. Think. Think. Think about what you're trying to do to me. Yeah. Think. Think. Think. Let your mind go. Let yourself be free. You need me. I need you. Without each other there ain't nothing we can do.
Think about what you're trying to do. Come on now. Think about it. Think about it. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom.