We wish to advise that tonight's edition of Roy and HG may include material that could offend some viewers.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Saturday night, it's party night! It's time to Club Buggery!
Tonight, this Sporting Live presents Club Buggery, live from the Mars Bar, here in Australia.
Club Buggery proudly features on song, The Nissen's Tetris!
Whoa whoa whoa, hey hey hey hey, this is just a wonderstay, I'll do anything I'll be able to buy, just to extend this buggery night!
And shouting with another stink, we'll be in the pink, Australia's brand new Beatles!
And now, can you please give a big warm Australian welcome to our hosts for the night, direct from the London Palladium, Rampaging Roy Slaven and HG Nelson!
Yes, yes, thanks very much indeed, thanks very much indeed Ian Terps, Terby, thanks very much Brand New Beatles, thanks very much Nissen's Cedric's Cooey Customers!
Welcome to Club Buggery on another Saturday night when too much variety will be barely enough!
Club Buggery this evening, coming to you live from the Mars Bar, here at the Talking Para Hotel!
And to get, well let's say the week underway, or the show underway, and to torch the week on another week of romance, adventure and danger here in Club Buggery,
let's simply ask Rampaging Roy Slaven, which issue have you plucked from the tissues this week?
How? Thank you very much HG Nelson, it's been a marvellous week, a very attractive week for Australia.
Started this morning really when the first pictures came through from Mars, through Tidbin Biller, the pictures, we're controlling the pictures, it's a real first for Australia,
and I'd just like to send a big cheerio to the blokes in the lab coats, and I use that term knowing that it is blokes in lab coats, they're at Tidbin Biller for sending those marvellous pictures through.
I've seen them, it's very red, it's a very red planet, it looks exactly as it did 25 years ago, and I know they were gone back!
Proved nothing last time, I suspect it's going to prove nothing this time. However the Woodies are into the final HG, Wimbledon, against I think Philip Poussos and Rafter.
We have the best and second best, arguably doubles team in the world.
Greg Norman is back at number one, I think he won the Stude Classic, I think he took out a chap by the name of Dud Hart.
Yes, Dud by name, Dud by nature.
Isn't he a terrible one?
Yes he is.
Dud Hart, the shark's better than Dud, not by much one Australian. And speaking of strokes, as we speak Australia is 3 for 39 in the test match, so it puts us about 100 in front, which may well be enough.
Taylor was out for one, people might be interested to know, he's invented yet another way of getting out, which is, he's a lefty if you understand.
Do you want me to be the bowler?
Yes, you can if you like. There was absolutely no footwork this time, none, just a big dape, big dape.
Ball came, plunked the back of that, that was the movement.
Which propelled him that way off, so it was doonk.
Roy, if I could get you to order those things, do you think seeing the cockroach on Mars, you know, is that far out there with the Woody, say, second, Greg, Norman, third and Mark, Taylor, fourth in that?
It's very difficult to order isn't it?
It is.
But I think I'd put Mars last.
And with that as well, I'm setting the scene here on the Mars bar, it's now a great thrill to welcome a man who has basically been a piece of the Australian landscape for as long as anyone can remember.
Certainly he's right up there with the big banana, the Kiama blowhole and the Victor Harbor blunt.
Listen, Cedrus, can you commandeer the tour bus sound system and give us the Gough Whitlam story.
Constitutional dreams, institutional schemes, a very big man, but well, needs lost power.
Gough Whitlam had power, drinking ideas as easy as he is.
Gough Whitlam, constitutionalists, a nation distressed, a natural nutrition, the labor magician with power.
Gough Whitlam has power, mentally fit, sharp with the wings.
Gough Whitlam.
Thanks very much for coming in Gough and you've got a new book out, Abiding Interests, which is a sort of an order book.
What's it called?
Abiding Interests.
Oh yeah.
Could I just refresh your memory here, if I could be so bold and suggest it's a sort of an autobiography of ideas that you've been interested in say in the past 80 years.
I'm an ideas man.
An ideas man.
And so one thing that I'd like to talk about, the idea of the Olympic Games.
Now your role in shoring up the tricky African vote to get the Olympic Games to come to Sydney hasn't been widely acknowledged enough.
But you gave a number of African nations assurances about human rights vis-a-vis Australia.
How do you feel about those assurances today?
I'm glad that the Olympics are not being sought by Sydney now.
Yes.
Because you wouldn't have got the 2004.
I must pay tribute to my partner because wherever we went in Africa of course they acknowledged her because she of course still holds one of the championships from the old Empire Games.
Great swimmer.
It was in yards.
So I'm very unlikely to be broken.
That's right. Never will be.
Now I think at one stage Rolf Harris held a Empire Games record too.
It might have been in the backstroke.
So I'm wondering if it was that, you know, might have been a bit easier to get them then than now.
I don't want to put the competition with fears.
I can remember Rolf Harris's greatest song, I remember hearing it up years ago in Townsville, it was something like, take them off, goth.
And I don't think there's any poem of his I can remember since.
Now what did he mean? The trousers? Take the trousers off?
I assumed but he had the wrong Prime Minister.
Him now?
Yes.
Maybe it should have been...
My sport was rowing. Great discipline.
And it was very good for a party leader because you can look one way and go the other.
I assumed you would have been the cocks if you were rowing.
Nothing like that. He looks the way you've gone.
Now maybe Rolf Harris's...
There are no cocks about me.
Maybe Rolf Harris's song should have been pull them down now.
Well, I presume you thought we were already down.
Pull them up.
But coming back to the Olympics, look, can I suggest to you that in the heady days when Sydney got the games,
there was a happy convergence of people from all sides of politics who saw a golden age for Australia dawning in the year 2000.
Gold, gold, gold.
Yes, gold, gold, gold.
Under a new flag, maybe a couple of additions or changes to the Constitution,
which would properly take Australia into the new millennium.
That dream has powdered badly, hasn't it?
Well, of course, the only Olympic Games that have been ever opened in Australia were done on behalf of our state by Prince Charming himself.
Yes.
The Duke.
Yes.
I noticed that Bob Hawke was very much into sports.
Who?
Bob Hawke, very much.
I remember.
You were very hands-on with your sports.
Paul Keating, very hands-on with the clocks.
Were you hands-on with anything yourself?
Rhymes and clocks.
Well, not quite.
But were you a hands-on sort of person?
I mean, were you a fiddler with donks?
I mean, were you a motorhead in younger days?
Did anything propel you in this way, like out in the backyard with the tools fiddly about?
No, hands-off, hands-off. None of that was my stuff.
Because I think you're the only second person I've met who had personalised number plates.
I believe you had an old valiant many years ago, a white valiant with EGW000 number plates.
Is this the case? Peter Brock's the only other person I know who's had personalised number plates.
No, EGW999.
Was it? Did you request the personalised number plates?
It would actually be an odd thing to do because people would spot them going,
now, which you all did at that stage.
They all did at that stage.
Well, they all did at that stage. Everyone got personalised number plates.
You mean Patrick Albert Field had PAF on the number plate?
This is a bit of trivialogy.
No, this is a family programme.
I don't want you to get started on that.
Look, can I ask, going back to the Olympics, have you met Juan Antonio Samaranch?
Indeed. See?
Yes, yes. And I must say, how would you approach a person like that knowing his track record,
say, with dropping the hanky with the blindfolds on and bang?
How did you get on with meeting a person of that sort of background, for want of a better word?
He didn't rankle calling him Excellency.
No, it was mutual.
Well, excellent heathamon.
Yes, yes.
But it surprises me about...
You know, I've been to Spain, as you know.
Yeah, yes, yes. And it's changed quite a lot since Juan lived there in the old days.
Well, since I visited myself, yes.
What was going to say...
No, he was from Catalonia. Catalonia.
Oh, yes.
He's Catalan. He's not real Spanish.
I mean, if it was in Spanish, it would be Samaranch.
Oh, okay.
Oh, yes, Samaranch. He's Catalan.
Now, do you think the way he organises sort of the Olympic movement
is that it's a wise thing for people, well, what's it going to say, to get into bed with?
It seems to be a rather difficult organisation which has very little to do...
Well, they still argue whether it's a good idea to go into bed the night before or not.
Yes.
Does it improve your appearance or...
Your performance.
Yes, yes.
It depends whether it's short or long run events, I think.
Yes.
And what would you think about Juan's case in this, that he shouldn't get into bed the night before
in terms of, say, pronouncing Sydney and...
Sorry, but he's got to... he'll obviously be there to announce the next Games...
I don't know that he'd be long enough in bed to have a shot.
Now...
No, that's all right.
Certainly a prominent figure.
But what about others? President Sahato, for example, is he a particularly erudite man?
I know you've met him a number of times. He's described in the book here as honourable.
Is he erudite?
I don't know because we don't speak the same language. We go through the interpreter.
Sure.
And the interpreter impresses me with his English and probably impresses the president with my...
Right.
Yes.
Right.
But does that make meetings awkward, say, for example...
Not at all.
OK.
We'd say meeting Mao Zedong or Ding Xiaopang. I mean, were they difficult meetings as well?
I only met Mao Zedong once, God rest his soul, and he floored me, actually.
He said, you know, we were... I, of course, said the proper things.
I said, well, of course, the difference between our systems, because there's two systems in China
that we believed in evolution, he in revolution.
And he said, oh, Darwinism, I said, yes.
He said, was Port Darwin named after Darwin?
And I must confess, I wasn't quite sure.
And I got it wrong, but I sent him back a note afterwards, you know, making an apology.
Because if you're wrong there, of course, you get out, but if you make a fulsome apology.
Right. Right. Right. So apart from the odd...
But of course, I was able to tell him then, in fact, Darwin had come to Sydney and crossed the mountains.
Didn't go to Darwin. That was called by...
That was so known by the chap who had brought Darwin to Sydney.
Yes, that's right.
And he later went to Port Essendon and made it Port Darwin.
That's right. I think Darwin made some pretty astute observations about Australia at the time.
That the soils were mostly fertile and it was unlikely that many people could live here.
I think that was Cook.
No, no, no, it was Darwin.
Well, I apologize. I apologize.
So you're in charge.
If you want to write Roy a letter later on, I'll give you the address.
I'll give you the address.
What language?
I hope he speaks all languages, Roy.
Does he? Yeah.
Can I ask about whether influence is better to have than political power?
Like you appear to me to still be very influential in Australian life.
Of course.
And whether this is better now than having the power of being Prime Minister?
I have more influence now than when I had the power.
I might say that.
And with regard to leadership, is leadership, say, sort of intrinsically patronizing,
is it a case of saying, I know what's right for people, rather than listening and saying,
I know now what people want?
I suppose what I'm saying is, do you listen and go by polls or do you lead from the front?
You certainly look at and listen to what people are thinking and saying and wanting.
Yes.
But then, of course, you come out with the ideas which will fulfill their aspirations.
Right. Right.
Well, what if you don't...
That is, you don't wait to see what, from polls...
Well, why aren't polls...
What people are thinking...
Well, what if there's a movement that says, all right, we want capital punishment?
Now, there's an intellectual elite that says, well, capital punishment doesn't work for these...
Oh, if you had a poll, the capital punishment would be carried.
But so many savage countries like China or the United States, which still have capital punishment.
This I understand, but do you then spend a lot of time educating people to the right way of thinking?
Yes, yes, of course you do.
Right. So that is leadership, educating people.
Yes. Giving them ideas, knowing their concerns, and then coming out with proposals which have a good chance of meeting
and fulfilling those concerns and fulfilling their aspirations.
That's what leadership is.
Right. Well, having read the book, it seems to me that you haven't put a bloody foot wrong here, Gough, according to...
Nobody, but nobody who writes any book has ever put anything wrong.
No, no, no, no.
But mine is a factual book.
I'd say there are only two mistakes.
A lot of politicians write fiction.
One was making John Kerr governor general.
Yes.
The other was not sacking him a couple of days before when you had the chance, before the big one.
There was never any propriety of my part. I wouldn't have sacked him.
But I will admit that subsequent prime ministers have shown better judgment in that respect than I did.
In selecting?
Yes. Oh, I'm not talking about their subsequent performance.
No, no.
Because the job does go to the head of even good Labour people.
So does power then corrupt? Does it corrupt?
Yes, but the phrase was absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Absolutely. Well, I didn't have absolute power. I've not been corrupted, of course.
One Antonia seems to have absolute power when it comes to the Olympic movement.
Has he corrupted absolutely?
No, he hasn't had it absolutely, but he's a very good diplomat.
He's a very persuasive person.
And of course, he knows what's going on in every continent.
The trouble with Australian diplomacy is that they often wonder what was happening in North America or Western Europe.
At UNESCO in particular, I also got an idea what was going on in Spanish-speaking countries.
Mao Zedong was corrupted absolutely then?
I would think so, yes.
President Sahato? Was he corrupted absolutely?
No, it's quite remarkable that President Sahato has remained in power so long.
What with an army like that, it's no surprise at all.
No, it's not a large army. He hasn't got a bigger fighting force than we have.
But what he does, see, the people that cover these things go to the city alone.
His strength is in the countryside.
And Sue Sukarno, of course, he made everybody in that vast archipelago understand and use one language.
President Sahato is enabling them to read and write it.
And everywhere in the countryside, there's a very great deal of appreciation, as I understand, of what he's about.
It amazes me that he has lasted so long, or that anybody can last that long.
But he has, in fact, delivered the goods to a very great extent.
See, when we get to foreign affairs, of course, you used to have the ABC correspondence in every country.
But otherwise we get our foreign news from American press or, in some cases, where Americans don't know what's going on, like the Balkans, you get it from Austria or Bavaria.
Gov, can I say that this book covers, obviously, interests that you've had for a very long time, constitutional matters, Aboriginal land rights, engagement with Asia and stuff.
Are we making any progress?
Well, not only in Asia, with the whole…
With the rest of the world.
Yes. I mean, certainly you've got to understand our neighbourhood too.
But do you think we're making progress in these issues? We seem to have come to a full stop with a lot of them.
There was a big hitch in 96, undoubtedly, but I think, somewhat belatedly, even John Howard's learning.
You wouldn't get him on Club Baggerie, of course.
You only get Labour leaders on Club Baggerie, don't you?
Yes, I try to.
I would have thought that that bloke in Victoria, he's as good a clown as you'd find anywhere.
It's true that we don't ask them.
And on a cheerful note, it's time to wish Gov all the best for a long political future.
And I ask everyone, whether they're at home or here in the Mayors Bar, to get out their copies of the Constitution and bang them together to thank God. We're clubbing!
Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts. Absolutely.
Fascinating. Oh, I love this music. And it's coming from the same source as the molly signal. Correct, you're right.
You are getting very sleepy. Sleepy. Sleepy. Now, close your eyes. Now, open them. Good. You are now in my power. Say something rude.
Oh, Satan. Give me your glistening, throbbing person.
Yes, yes, yes. Fair enough. Now, stand up and walk into the wall.
Yes! Great. Now, when I tell you to wake up, you'll wake up and you won't remember a thing about this, okay?
Yes, Ajax.
Right. Wake up!
Where am I? Sorry, Ajax, I must have been daydreaming.
Great! Hey, a fire!
What do you want, Ajax?
You are getting very sleepy.
I am?
Look at the orb! You are getting very sleepy.
Listen, Ajax, I've got other things I want to do. This is a very unamusing game, okay?
Okay. Sorry. Sir, it doesn't work on everyone. I wonder if it will work on Dogruder, because if it does, I can force him to hand control back over to me where it rightfully belongs.
O'Leary! What are you doing here?
Ah, just thought I'd drop in.
He tried to play with me this afternoon.
Did you, O'Leary?
Well, sort of.
And what sort of game was this?
An orb sort of game.
An orb sort of game? How interesting. How does it work, O'Leary?
Well, I wave this orb in front of your face, and I tell you to go to sleep, and you do.
Intriguing. Is it fun?
Sure!
I thought it was dull.
Give me a go.
Oh, well.
Give me the orb. It takes practice.
To wave an orb, give it to me. I order you to.
Now, look at the orb, O'Leary. Now go to sleep.
Amazing! O'Leary is asleep!
Great game.
Well, it is interesting. He's asleep on his feet, so there must be some motor neuron activity.
I wonder if he can hear me. Can you hear me, O'Leary?
Yes.
Amazing! He's awake and can speak, yet still asleep.
What is the purpose of this game, O'Leary?
To hypnotize and thus gain control over the sleeping subject.
So you are in my power.
Yes.
I love it. And you wanted to hypnotize me, I suppose, so as to gain control of the Bee-cheese.
Yes.
O'Leary, you are an idiot.
Yes.
O'Leary, what do you have most difficulty in talking about?
My scrotum.
Next time you see Mark Merton, you will engage her in conversation about your scrotum. Understood?
Yes.
Now, entertain us for a while by singing the Torb from Novus 9.
Tall and wild and horned and airy, the Torbs from Novus 9 are walking.
And when they pass, I bark, but nobody sings.
Oh, good morning, A-Trek.
Ah, Merton, I don't believe you've ever seen my bowling bag.
Sorry?
My bowling bag, my ugly sack, Uncle Dick's cousins.
I'm sorry, Ajax, I have no idea what you're talking about.
I'm talking about my funny hat, the pounding pouch.
My thumpless boxing glove, the trouser twins.
O'Leary, this is excellent.
The gusset geyser.
I like the orb game.
I love the orb game.
Merton, I must introduce you to Lionel Murphy's nose.
I've had one or twice.
I am your bite and a bite.
My bite, baby, baby.
Roy, now that the stitches are in place and the blood is congealed and the healing's begun and the bandages are on,
look, could you give us an overview of the Iron Mike Tyson bite last weekend in Las Vegas?
I suppose I wanted to sum up, how easy is it to get the teeth through the ear?
Can I just say from the off that I think it's one of the greatest things that's ever happened to boxing.
I've never seen or heard so many people discussing boxing.
It's really put boxing back on the map.
Look, it ran the risk of disappearing into forget-a-billion, but it's back with us.
Boxing is back center stage.
The world is talking boxing.
Look, I wrote to the blokes at CSIRO and asked them about the thorny problem of biting to an ear.
I've only nipped an ear in a scrum, as we example last week on this very program.
And what the blokes did, they sent me back some Freddo frogs.
Oh, yes, yes.
And they argue that a Freddo frog going through an ear, as Iron Mike did,
is not dissimilar in terms of degree of difficulty to going through a Freddo frog.
Now, you're part of the Freddo frog, then you go in.
You've got to pull away.
So then you go in, give it a go.
You go in.
I just want to see the technique.
And X.
And that's not dissimilar to around a Holyfield ear.
I think you're fine.
You know what I mean?
It can get brought quite easily.
And you're left with a little bit in there.
Which is the difficulty on the problem I might have.
You have the problem.
Why do you chew it, pretend it's gum?
A little curl.
Put the hands down.
Horty style.
Dance about.
Knowing the bloke knows you've got a bit of a ear in his mouth.
And he's trying to get it back.
He's going to come at you.
He's going to freeze it somewhere so you can put it back on later.
With the gloves on.
Yeah, with the gloves on.
Very difficult to do.
He's probably going to try and bite it out of his mouth.
Bite it back.
So it is difficult.
It is difficult.
They also sent me an acupuncture sort of ear.
Yeah, a guide to the ear.
A guide to the ear.
Now, news item tell, he's lost the points number one and two.
I don't know if you can see the points there, your acupuncture points.
Now I think they correspond to the liver and the kidneys.
So he'd be feeling pretty good.
He'd be over the moon.
Over the moon.
His liver and kidneys probably never been in better shape.
So I think it opens up all sorts of possibilities.
I think a new sport could come out of this.
I don't know if it's a sort of kick-biting sort of idea.
I don't know.
But it's not terribly unattractive.
I think it could work.
I think people would look.
If there is a return back.
Well, let's hope there is.
Between Avanda and iron, everyone will be watching.
Everyone will be paying the $39.50.
Everyone, just to see what happens.
Especially if they're allowed to go to the NIP.
If there's a change in the rules.
But I think there should be a change in the rules.
Three it up.
One NIP put around.
As many NIPs as you like.
You can either go to the bash.
Or you can get into the clinch.
You'd have a very attractive sight.
Of two big blokes having a go at each other's ears.
Until all the ear is gone.
There's nothing left.
There's just a sort of hole there.
Bleeding.
Very attractive in itself.
Where do you go from there?
Nose.
Going in the nose, you'd have eyelids burned.
Fitting off.
Bits of face.
Then you might go south.
Yeah.
Looking for bits.
Something that protrudes.
Yes, that can go in a hole and get the teeth around.
Exactly.
Tremendous sport that'd be.
I mean, boxing's been held back all this year.
Get rid of the bloody gloves.
Get rid of everything.
Have a nude, just blokes.
Blokes with bloody nails and teeth.
That's a sport.
And obviously people on Monday morning did have something to talk about over the couple of days.
Yes.
Whereas otherwise they would have said,
Oh, Evander Hunnicott, I am an iron.
Or Evander won in three rounds or whatever it was.
I lost my money at the TOP.
Did you see the bite?
The bite was like one of those adventures.
Like when J.P. Cate was shot.
Or Australia got the Sydney Olympics.
Should I say Sydney got the Olympics?
Or Australia too brought home the America's Cup.
Or Australia 3 sank.
If that's Australia 3 sank.
Yeah, one Australian.
Look, how did Australia respond?
I'm going to ask you to form a triangle of views.
Arthur Tunstall's view is very important.
Obviously, Jeff Phoenix's important.
His view is because he's obviously hands on both in the boxing and the biting.
And also Ozzie Joe Boussina.
He probably got out of the sport before biting became part of it.
He did.
Well, I was going to say that Boussina is still in.
Oh, of course you forget that.
He's the POBO champion.
Yeah, heavyweight champion.
Heavyweight champion.
I mean, he's queuing up to have a go at iron on the bite.
Because he's got a very big mouth.
He's got a very big, I'd say he's had the biggest mouth and the biggest grip in world boxing.
That's a big wrap, right?
That's a very big wrap.
He could take Iron Mike's whole bloody head.
That's what he'd go for.
He wouldn't be an ear man.
And have a blow down there and kick him out.
You know, the head gone.
Blood coming out.
The head totally off.
Spat into his second's face.
Do something with that.
He'd just step there with that, like a chook.
Headless chook.
That's a sport.
That's going to get kiddies queuing up going to see Traynor Lewis.
Where can I bloody sign?
I want to get into the headless look.
Yes.
Roy, what I was thinking of though, was do you think that the whole world of boxing,
with say Australia's response to it, and I did see people in clubs across Australia
hurling chairs at television screens, walking off spawning up.
Yeah, very disappointed.
The short view.
You've got to take the longer view of these things.
You've got to see the absolute possibilities that are opening up.
There's a chink there, a chink that's opened up.
You've got to tear it apart and dive through it.
And so you would favour, say those three, Tunstall, Trannick and Buznik,
getting round a round table and coughing up new rules.
New rules.
To take boxing into its millennium.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Grow your nails as long as you like.
Pile your teeth if you like.
Get them pulled out and get steel ones put in.
Who the bloody cares?
As long as you can do some bloody damage.
Wouldn't the tail of the tape be interesting?
The tail of the tape.
Bowshner comes sporting the new dentures.
Teeth down to here.
That's right, that's right.
Shoo-zha.
Have this unhooked here.
And leaving that there for the minute, my very good friends,
in the interest of bringing you, the Australian audience,
the very best in variety from around the world,
it's a tremendous thrill to welcome to the Mars Bar
a foursome who were fiddling about in Africa this time last week.
Tonight the lads are tuned up with a foot flat to the floor
and ready to rip into the Paul Simon medley of Graceland's
and you can call me al.
Customers, can you limber up and limbo along the lim-po-po
as you're welcome to the bug house, the Soweto String Quartet.
Let's go!
I should say my bodyguard
Ooh, ooh, ooh
I should tell you anything
Ooh, ooh, ooh
I should say my bodyguard
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Applause
That was the Hey Shirley, Wake Up arrangement of the Paul Simon medley.
Of course the tremendous work from the Bidders and the Cidricks and what about the Soweto Spring Quartet
turning the strings and plucking the perfect pitch and the lads will be touring near you during the coming fortnight
so check the local papers for the dates.
And now let's cross over to the cricket and have a look at what Channel 9 should be showing instead of that dribble
instead of that sodden dribble called Wimbledon.
Look, we've got a tremendous scoreboard here because they're at lunch.
Ooh, we're five down.
Oh yes, not quite, not quite.
Oh no, I was looking at the no balls. Sorry.
Three down.
England were all out for 162, Shane Willoughby got six for 48 and we do have a terrific dismissal here early on.
Here we go now, I think this is the first run that Mark Taylor scored or the third run, he gets a beautiful one.
It's a beautifully crafted run, isn't it?
It is.
From the misfit.
So confident, very, very confident.
Now let's have a look at what happens on the next delivery as we see a person here with sunglasses on.
That might have been Butcher.
And now we have this demon new first test cap coming in and bowling to Mark Taylor.
He's a tear away isn't he? Look at this.
He's tremendous. Oh look at this, tremendous.
Oh, gone.
And that's because this is a Mark Taylor. And so that, you know, take us through that, Roy.
Well I took us through it I think right on the off of the start of the show.
Yeah, sure.
No movement of feet, no movement of butt, nothing happening in the mind.
Just a bloke who, well nothing happening really.
Just a sort of waste of space in pants.
But that run, that first run, there was nothing wrong with that.
There was nothing wrong with that run.
And it looked good. It looked good.
No, no, no.
So it could go on.
Maybe get another 99 and put it together with that one and get a cap.
But he did look confused with the miss field. He didn't want to take that run.
No.
It took Elliott to call him through.
Come on through, Skip.
Come on, Skip, you can do it.
Remember Bob Simpson?
Come on, get bowling.
Go on, get that bloody big bot.
Remember Bob Simpson, the quick single?
Quick single, wing matches.
Now it's time to welcome to the Bokehouse a man who came from the suburb of Bicton in WA many, many, many moons ago.
Nissen Cedrics, can you plonk your bot on the spot in the front bar of the Ocean Beach Hotel, Cottesloe,
and bring a tear to the eye of the regulars with the Dave Warner story.
Yes.
Thanks very much for coming in, Dave. Now let's get the hard question out of the road.
How did you see the Mark Taylor dismissal?
Well, I saw it that he didn't move his feet again, HG.
Are you worried about the captain's form at all or do you think you'll come good in the subcontest or do we care?
I doubt it. I think the long, slippery road and he made that ton, didn't he,
which had everybody leaping to their feet to say we never should have criticised and I know you fellas wouldn't have.
Oh no, we said we'd wait till he retired and then we'd bag him. We'd bag him half an hour.
That's not a bad position to adopt though.
I think as long as the ball doesn't do anything, Mark's a fair chance.
Yes, true. True. Now look, you've got another, well you've got an anthology of humour out, Great Australian Bites.
You know, I'm just wondering if Australia needs another anthology of humour at the moment.
Do you get on buses and hear people talking? God almighty, I wish I had something to read, you know,
could we get another anthology of humour together or something of that, you know, what's the genesis of this project?
It's more that, you know, what can I do to get a whole bunch of people together and form up a few books?
Yeah, write a book without having to do the work.
Yeah, exactly. So that was a bit of it.
And did you go to other great anthologies of Australian humour, you know, like Laughing at League,
like the Max Walker How to Murder a Crocodile sort of series of books,
and have a look at what they had done before you got yours together?
No, I just went, just sailed blindly out and just took what influences I could
and got in touch with people like yourself.
And of course, Roy, for example, has given the complete secret to rooting King's training schedule in the book.
And so I think it's not just humour, it's a much broader spectrum than that.
That's true, it's a didactic piece. The whole book really is a series of didactic pieces.
Speaking of didactic pieces, Dave, you are a literary fellow, aren't you?
When you were with the suburbs all those years ago, there were songs of anger, songs of passion.
What were you so bloody angry about in those days, mate? And how you was angry today?
Well, Angry Anderson was first and he was angry.
But you invented punk, you were ahead of your time, weren't you?
Yeah, I was. Well, I think I lived in Perth and I think anyone who lived in Perth for that amount of time would be fairly angry.
Especially when you saw bands coming over to Perth like Red House Roll Band.
You were hopeless. Yeah, exactly.
And you couldn't get a look in, so you got angrier.
I don't think I went angry enough, actually, Roy. Peter Garrett was angrier and he did much better.
True, but I think you took Umbridge, too, at Countdown in its early incarnation,
when it was prosecuting the causes of limp overseas acts like Roger Bedouris.
Oh, well, who can forget Roger Bedouris?
I mean, did that get up your nose? They were plugging away ahead of your time at the cutting edge,
the cutting edge of anger, the fusion of anger and music, which has lived with us now for a hell of a long time.
They were the cutting edge, Mr. D. Warner, being ignored by mainstream. Did that get up your nose?
It did.
Well, you're ignored by Molly Meldrum to be fair, Roy, who seemed to be having, you know, this is ancient history,
who seemed to have a vice-monk.
Have you got a feud with Molly Meldrum?
I think the feud has dissipated if it ever was there because I haven't seen Molly for so long.
Now, you've taken to crime writing and in a big way, I think your first novel, City of Light, was shortlisted for the Dublin Prize.
Now, David Maloof would have spoiled your chances of winning that because he won it the year before, didn't he?
Exactly, and so that wrecked any chance that any of the Australians had in the next year, as you know, you know, like...
You're getting angry about that, Dave?
You're getting angry about that?
David Maloof dotted me in Dublin!
Uh, top ten.
Now, look, sorry, can I just follow up the crime writing book?
Because I finished reading this the other night. It's a jigsaw puzzle, Dave.
How do you... Do you work out with little scripts of paper?
I mean, is it a case of starting, you know, with the first sentence and working your way through,
or do you actually plan out the murder, plan out the, you know, the way it was conceived?
And, you know, how does it work? How do you start with something like this?
Well, the first book, City of Light, I did. I wrote the first page and I worked from there.
And that took me a long time. So on this one, Big Bad Blood, I was a lot more planning ahead.
But a lot of work goes into the exercise, book drawing little lines to characters and, you know, thinking...
Did you walk around King's Cross and take the name of the streets down,
and if the bloke was standing here, well, they would have had to have been up there.
And so, I mean, it is that detailed, isn't it?
Well, yeah, I don't know, it might be. I didn't tell you.
Or it was a Gregory's or a Melway's. What did you do?
I used to stand King's Cross and the Band-Aid, so I just, you know, went...
So it could be completely wrong, you know, where the places are.
But, I mean, I didn't think that was so important,
is getting the feel of the cross and the seediness and that type of thing.
You know, this is, as Ruud points out, you've written a couple of thrillers.
You know, the thriller form, can we still get something out of it?
I mean, or are we just repeating, you know, what Hammett and Chandler
and, say, Jimmy Thompson did all those years ago?
Is there real blood in here, Dave? Is there anger?
Is there bagging David Maluth? He doesn't sleep with...
With guts. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, and ideas and ferment and...
Well, I'd like to think so. I think, you know, James Elroy
and a lot of people have compared that to Elroy's style.
He always says, bigger, better, more characters.
So I think you're taking the prototype of Chandler and those people
and just throwing more in there.
Yeah, and Elroy, he's an easy person to copy, too, isn't he?
Well, yeah, he's a long way away, so he doesn't find out so quickly.
And you don't have to write sentences with verbs in them if you copy his style.
That's right, yeah.
You can just write the cat full stop.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, that's true. You do it.
No, the verb does creeping about halfway through.
I don't know if it's stylistic device...
Honey, only a couple of times, though.
Yeah, but there was no verb in the first 20 pages.
Don't confuse me.
The verb, you know, obviously when someone does something,
you have to meet a verb, especially when the crime is so bizarre,
i.e., you know, cutting someone up in a pretty bad way
and putting a cross up the date and writing weird words on the wall.
It's a pretty hideous crime, isn't it?
Well, it's not a nice one.
Well, yeah, indeed, but it could be comparable with crime
that happened in Sydney this week, which we shouldn't, for reasons of taste...
Yes.
...avoid talking about.
But you've been... Sorry, you've been writing for Big Sky.
Did you do an episode of Big Sky for Channel 10?
Yeah, it hasn't yet hit the screens,
so I don't know how it's going to, you know, how it will finally end up there.
And how does that...
Well, does the scenario arrive and you've just got to fill in the blanks?
So the characters listed there with blanks beside them and the scenario,
and you've just got to write the dialogue in?
Is that how it is?
Well, that's how I think it should be.
And hopefully, you know, that's more or less how it proceeded.
We sat around and we kicked around a few ideas,
but ultimately I think that's really what would happen.
I'm sure the characters know what they're supposed to say.
So, you know, you kick around a few scenarios of what would be a good thing to do,
what could we have the pilots doing this time, and, you know, you throw in a story.
Look, I think it's terribly difficult writing for Big Sky.
All you've got, sweetie, in the plane there, a chair like this with a chroma key behind it,
and you nod to her like this, turns to the copilot there, turns back here.
Oh, we're going into the drink, smash, into the drink.
Lots of shots of the altimeter going like that.
I mean, then cut away to a model plane, air-fixed model plane coming through, smoke pouring out.
Feather engine one.
Feather engine two.
You respect those guys that wrote for Whirlybirds and Mike Nelson's Sea Hunt
and all those big ones, you know, there's only so much you can do with an aqualung.
Now, your next book is going to be Cricket Hall of Shame.
You've done a footy hall of shame already, a cricket hall of shame,
which I understand you're working with Greg Chaplon.
Yes.
Now, how forthcoming is Greg with the...
Obviously he's been very close to Australian cricket for many, many years.
He's pioneered the underarm bowling.
He's organised, you know, people to, if I believe the papers,
to eat licorice-flavoured underpants off him.
Are these the sort of things that are going to go in the Hall of Shame book?
I don't know about the...
I don't know if we're getting the down south region about that yet,
but certainly the underarm bowling,
and I think Greg's very forthcoming on that these days.
How about the day the two took the Sheffield Shield down,
the two old players took the Sheffield Shield down and, you know...
That was Ian Botham and...
Dennis Lilley, I think.
Dennis Lilley.
How about the feud in the car park?
Is it between the both and Ian Chappell, Greg's brother?
Yeah.
How about the Don secrets?
I mean, I hope you're going to lift the lid on the Don.
Greg Richie's flights.
Is that the sort of book it's going to be?
Well, I hope so, but I think you boys...
I think HG there has got a little bit more in than I have,
so HG, I might have to be quizzing you on some of that,
but yeah, there'll be that sort of stuff in there,
plus, you know, just two of the hacks and who's failed and that type of thing.
Now, have you got...
I know this puts a question to the out notice if I could borrow a Gothism.
You know, a very odd or unusual cricket stat that might bob up in this book.
Have you got any...
Cos cricket, let's face it, is full of stats.
Well, I know that the Tufty, the great Tuffnell,
I know that he scored two runs in 81 minutes at one stage.
That's true.
That, I think, is...
I hope you include lists, Dave,
like the world's tidiest wicket keepers in order.
That'll be one I'd like to see.
And would you have room in it for the Don...
Argument stats.
That's right.
Would you have room in it somewhere for the Don batting average?
Oh, well, of course.
Of course, you know, as all ABC listeners would know that one, of course.
That'll be the tone of the book.
Yeah.
And on that wedding night, it's time to wish Dave all the best
in a riding and cricket future in A.L. School.
Club Buggery viewers, whether they're at home or here in the Mars bar
to get out their old vinyl copies of Mugs Game
and bang them together to thank Dave Warner.
MUSIC
And now we come to that moment in the show where we celebrate your endeavour
in the Fred's department.
Yes, once again, it's time for This Is Living,
but before we go to this week's happy winners,
let's go and have a look at who greeted the judge this time last week.
Yes, it was Ian, Rebecca and Malty.
Here they are in the club.
They were off to see Dancing With the Flute at the New South Wales Art Gallery.
Edmund Capon was there to welcome them.
The spot over the third eye, for some obscure reason, was put on them.
It was a total Indian experience, the special water,
and then I went indoors for a very personal tour by Edmund Capon.
Edmund led us to believe that there are 350 million Indian gods.
I think that's probably a little underdone.
I would have thought there'd be a lot more than that.
But it was a terrifically engaging afternoon for the three of them.
They ended up, of course, before the flutes and the drums
and then in to see the Dancing With the Flute itself,
which was very, very engaging.
It was a four-hour performance, HG.
This Is Living.
Marvellous.
And this week the prizes were, we've got the Crack Squad temporary tattoos,
we've got Great Australian Bites, the day-born anthology of humour,
we've got Goff's book, Abiding Interests,
we've got a double pass to see the Soweto String Quartet this Thursday night
and their CD as well, plus...
You see, the happy couple are off to see Me and My Girl.
This is the production by the Sydney Youth Musical Theatre.
It's an amateur group, but it's going to be a tremendous night.
It opens next Friday night.
I'd encourage all to go.
It's coming together very nicely, as you can see.
And the Dancing Is sensational.
Dancing With the Flute was good.
And my girl...
Yes.
The after-call made marvellous because this is living.
This Is Living.
Yeah!
This Is Living.
G'day. What's your name?
Darcy O'Born.
Darcy and Margaret.
Darcy and Margaret, have you been, have you seen Me and My Girl before?
No, we haven't.
Oh, it's a tremendous experience.
It's all showbiz, it's dancing, it's a song.
It'll be a tremendous night.
You're prepared to take the challenge next Friday night?
We are.
It's opening night. You'll be dressed appropriately?
Yes.
Because...
This Is Living.
I want a man who'll bite and a fight
That sets me right
He'll bite once or twice
Oh yeah, he'll bite and a fight
There will be a great day
Yes, well, I'm sorry.
Sadly, we come to the end of another Club Buggery.
I've got a very big crowd this week.
Roy, I'm off to see Youth Rock put on by the high school kids out at Orion Hall, Beamish Street, Campsie.
It's on every night this week.
The Soweto String Quartet plays Wednesday night in Brisbane, Thursday night in Sydney, Saturday night in Melbourne,
Monday the 14th, Adelaide, Tuesday the 15th in Perth, and of course the Amnesty Comedy Festival is on at the basement this week.
Yes, I'll just be watching Channel 10 all day tomorrow, HG. It's all 500cc racing.
All done.
Wonderful.
It's gonna be a tremendous day.
As we sign off from the Mars Bar, Roy and I would like to thank Gough Whitlam, Dave Warner, the Soweto String Quartet, the Nissin's Cedrics, the brand new Beatles, Ian Tapps, Toby and you, the audience, whether here in the Mars Bar or there at home on the Pumble Flop and Fiddle.
Thanks once again for taking interest in variety.
Finally, it's time for Act 16 in the 1997 Battle of the Sounds, this week's selection on Just a Suburban Boy.
Customers, can you hurl the heat beads in the air? Can you rotate the suckling pig?
Can you bang the barbecue tools together as you welcome to the Bug House Mr. Dave Warner?
See you next week.
Bye now.
I'm just a suburban boy.
And I know what it's like to be rejected every night tonight.
I'm sure that it must be easier for boys from the city.
I go to the football and I chew for my team.
I go to the football just to hear myself scream.
I'm just a suburban boy.
Sunday session, I'm down at the hotel staring at girls that I don't know.
Well, I'm just a suburban boy.
I am just a suburban boy.
And I know what it's like to be rejected every night tonight.
I'm sure that it must be easier for boys from the city.
I wake up every morning with no one beside me.
I wake up every morning with my mother, we all join me.
I'm just a suburban boy.
Sunday session, I'm down at the hotel staring at girls that I don't know.
Well, I'm just a suburban boy.
I am just a suburban boy.
And I know what it's like to be rejected every night tonight.
I'm sure that it must be easier for boys from the city.
It's easier for boys and girls at the Royal HG and the Love House in the city.