We wish to advise that tonight's edition of Roy and HG may include material that could offend some viewers.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Saturday night, it's coffee night, it's time to club buggery!
Tonight, This Morning Life presents Club Buggery, live from the Torch the Whip Room here in Australia.
Club Buggery proudly features our song, The Nussan Cedric.
I take it or leave it, this is the scene, stay on the bench or fear my teeth.
I don't wanna run, I don't wanna run, just give me a whack, a buggery song.
And shouting it's not a sin if you're wearing a grin, Australia's brand new Beatles.
And now, can you please give a big warm Australian welcome to our host for the night,
direct from the Broadbeach Casino, Rampaging Roy Slaven and HG Nelson.
Thanks very much Ian, Tep Steffy, thanks very much Brand New Beatles, thanks very much Nussan Cedric,
hello Australasian Jigglers and Jogglers.
Welcome to Club Buggery on another Saturday night when too much variety will be barely enough.
Tonight, Club Buggery coming to you from the Torch the Whip Room here in Rockhampton, Queensland.
And a Torch the Whip on another week of danger and romance here on Club Buggery.
Simply ask Rampaging Roy Slaven, which issue have you ripped from the tissues this week's sport?
Yes, actually it's been a marvellous week for Tasmania hasn't it?
It's not often the Apple Isle is utmost in our minds.
I think it is at the moment, it's really been a run of inns.
I think for Tasmania we've had Ricky Ponting selected in the Australian cricket team.
We've got the Targa Tour.
I love those Targa cars, they're so exciting.
Way up the hill and down, they're really quick aren't they?
And faster it seems in Tasmania than anywhere else in the world.
We've got Brian Harrodine of course having the balance of power in the Senate.
Ironically at a time when people can get up to whatever they like in the privacy of their own bedrooms in Tasmania.
At last.
But the big news from LineHG is the discovery it seems may be a hint of a sniff of a Tasmanian Tiger, Imerian Giant.
Tremendous years.
I'd love to see a Tiger back in a cage in Tasmania.
They were so much fun to bang off.
They had all that fun in the 20s and 30s just putting bloody bullets in them because they were so slow and stupid.
Thylacine I think they're called.
Yes, that's right.
Wouldn't it be lovely to have a bloody one in a cage you can go and have a fiddle with in Tasmania once.
I'd love it.
How did it get to Imerian Giant Roy?
Got me jiggered.
I think it's more of a case of how did they get from Imerian Giant to Tasmania in the first place.
I think there was a land bridge.
Right.
The land bridge.
This was not long after I think we were part of Gondwana in South America.
We were all fused together because they have similar things to Thylacines I think in South America.
Not the same silly stripes that we had in Tasmania.
But that's the way the world used to be.
It's a funny old world isn't it?
Thank you.
That was why I'm setting the scene here in the Torch of the Wicked.
It's now time to welcome a man who has recently downed the rugby league till to pick up an Olympic blunt instrument.
Nissen Sedrich, can you bludge on the blind side for a while and while you're lurking out there,
can you join Tina Turner's Simply the Best and the Quit for Life Rugby League Trophy together
and when you've got that all in the bag can you go head high on the John Quayle story.
I cried inside the day that football died.
Oh John, what went wrong?
The greatest game of all is not the same.
It doesn't belong.
John Quayle tell us the tale.
How the evil forces of darkness came to prevail.
Oh John, give us the drum.
Help us to try to understand.
Why man's a sore clown.
Here's John, John Quayle.
Yes, thanks for coming in John.
Now a lot of people forget that you played rugby league,
but we've unearthed a performance, a magnificent performance by your good self in the 1972 Grand Final.
You're number nine.
As you run on here, you're probably the last on there.
I think it's East v Manly.
You go in early there, you knock a Manly player over, you get ready, you're hungry, you're looking for work
and there you find more work.
There away you go there and then of course there's a chance here to stack on something.
I think you decide to go into dummy half here.
What are you doing there?
So many options, so many options.
Bring the ball our way.
That's right John and away it comes there and here you are making it burst.
A bloody big hole opens up.
You go forward, outside, that's your toy.
That's your toy John, magnificent work.
Now obviously you've swapped codes so to speak and left the rugby league and are now working with the Olympics.
How would you compare organising the rugby league to organising the Olympics?
Well I guess the Olympics I'm part of a big team because it is a massive exercise,
but it's one that I think we're going to make sure that not only Sydney but certainly Australia are going to be very proud of
and I think that the exciting thing about the Olympics is it is the biggest event in the world and it's here.
I think as a former sporting administrator to be part of that team, that's something that's going to be great.
The only comparison I would make though is that when you were with the rugby league you were sort of like the godfather
or one of the godfathers along with Ken.
Now that you're working for the Olympic movement which I do feel is the International Olympic movement has very many similarities to the mafia.
I do feel as though now you've come down a peg or two in the pecking order.
I'm not quite sure my mafia structure will slot you in so to speak into the mafia hierarchy,
but it does have elements of that doesn't it?
Well they've fitted me in.
They've fitted me in. I think we've got a good group so whether we're going to be called the mafia or not I don't know,
but I'm down the ladder a little bit which is pretty good. That's one part of it I'm enjoying.
Right. Roy?
Yes, would you like an hour in a room with a baseball bat with Ken Cowley?
Two hours in a room with a baseball bat with Johnny Reba?
It wouldn't take that long.
That's all, that's in the past for me.
I know it is, I know it is, but we should just trawl the past just for a moment John.
It seems like you've got a lot of experience in the past.
I've got a lot of experience in the past.
I know it is, I know it is, but we should just trawl the past just for a moment John because it seems to me you ruined Rugby League.
You were responsible, you buggered it up.
Can I just say to you, you were never heard of until Rugby League so don't you start that.
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
You used to come into those grounds.
Let me finish the thesis.
No, you used to sneak in, you used to pose as a cleaner, you used to pose as a security guard, you used to run off the game and that's why we all love you because of Rugby League.
Sure, we sniffed around Phillip Street because there was plenty of ooze coming out of Phillip Street to sniff John, to be fair.
Now you ruined Rugby League because you made it too successful.
You made it interesting to the wealthiest media magnet in the world.
That was your mistake, wasn't it?
Well it's a compliment in one way, I think that a lot of people had worked very hard to make it great and I think it was accepted around the nation that way.
But again, you know when you have the big players and we had paid television arriving in Australia and that's what it was all about, it was never about football, it was about paid television and owning a great sporting organisation and that's what happened.
John, in 1972 there was a big interest in Rugby League, i.e. meaning people would go to the game and watch Rugby League.
By the time you left it we had the sort of half time entertainment we'll see now taken from a couple of Grand Finals.
Here you are choreographing Tina Turner, a magnificent advocate for Rugby League, knew all about it, had the Wicks and Whitmer look about her and then of course out of the crowd leaps up a Rugby League supporter with a big horn out front doing some marvellous work.
And if we can get a Topshop here, look at that, oh yes, that is League, is it any wonder everybody got on board the League train.
And then of course I think if this finishes up as it will in a minute we move to 1995 and we see one of the finest half time promotions for television here.
Have a look at this, this will bring back memories, an exploding television set that almost kills a couple of hundred people.
We were lucky enough not to have, not to make the front page.
Now look, if I raise this because I know that you're a venues manager you won't be allowing any of the venues to have that sort of gear at half time in the Olympics will you?
Not at all.
No good.
Not at all.
Good.
Wasn't she good?
Wasn't it good to see her there again?
Magnificent, brought back so many memories and as Roy keeps pointing out people now think Rugby League more often than they think sex.
Thanks very much to Tina Turner and Simply the Best.
But to develop a thesis if I could borrow a word from Roy is that recently there's been some chat that Australian people, especially in New South Wales, aren't that interested in the Olympics
and that we have to rekindle the spark around the state to get people interested and that the ideas come from SoCog that we tour the Olympic flag.
Now what a tawdry, I hope there's no hint that you've had anything to do with this John, this is very weak.
I'll give you an idea of what they're going to look at. Here, this is what they're going to see.
They're going to see something that looks like this coming into their town. This is the actual flag John that's going around.
Is this going to inspire the nation to get behind the Olympic game? I put it to you John Quayle, we are selling the Olympics the dump.
We are selling this nation the dump. If this is the best we can deliver by way of a promotion for the Olympics in the year 2000.
Am I being too harsh John Quayle? I don't think I am. Now, the IOC, the IOC.
You've forgotten to tell everyone you're going with the flag.
Yes I'm going because I'm offering to march nude around Australia with a flag.
To come into Wagga and Broken Hill nude with a flag tailing out behind me. Getting people interested, giving kiddies memories John.
Now look. Won't it be good? The thing about this.
It'll be great, well why hasn't it got the stain on it that the originals got?
Well that's a mystery isn't it, that's still a mystery.
Do you know how the stain got there?
Well there's a few people who have tried to hint to me but what you said in the dressing room to me, I'm going to take that back and I think there'll be an investigation.
Did Watt Antonio's samaranch and his gastric problems have anything to do with this?
You told me it was Neil Fraser.
John the difficulty is though, the difficulty is that the real flag, the one with the stains on it is now in a Westpac bank vault accruing bank charges and no one's ever going to be able to get the bloody thing out again.
Because no one will have enough money to pay the bank for the storage.
No we'll get it out, it'll be alright don't you worry. It's what Sandy Holway said to me today.
It's one thing that's never been done before and you guys ringing up this week.
Seeking your tickets again, three years out, I don't think it was very good.
But I'll tell you what, they have allowed, because as venue manager you're not going to be able to sneak in like you used to.
So there's your official tie.
So your accreditation as members of the media is being checked out, that's a bit of a worry.
Will this tie get us in?
No.
And why is Roy's different to mine John?
Sorry?
Why is Roy's different to mine?
Because we wanted to identify you.
Oh right, it's a terrific design isn't it? It's a fabulous design.
Look I was reading some of the thoughts of Ken Arthurson this morning John.
He said something to the effect that it helps in administration if you've laced up a boot.
Is this true, do you find having played Rugby League it was easier to administer Rugby League?
Well I don't think it was easier to administer it, I think it was easier to acknowledge how great it was.
I think that the easy part of any sport was playing it and participating in it.
And I think when you go onto that next step of administrating it you never think about that when you're playing.
But I think it's helped.
It's still a team thing though isn't it administration, it's to do with a team.
It must be the same at SoCog, you're a team there, do you feel you're part of a team?
We are a great team and that's why I think it's very important that now the people, not only of Sydney but Australia, get behind that team.
Because we do have a big job and we need everyone supporting us because...
But Michael Knight's not a team player.
Yes he is.
He's not a team player, how many people has he sacked?
We'll make it easy for you, you put your hand up, 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60.
No, not since I've been there, he's been OK, he's at the moment.
Is your position safe? Do you shadow when Michael Knight comes around?
Well, buddy hello I'm next.
There's a pretty famous saying within SoCog, don't iron too many shirts because you might need them for the five days.
That's true.
But no, we're alright.
Must be a happy team then John.
There's one good thing about it, it is, and you've got a committed group of people there.
And from now right through, that's the funny part about it, we're not delivering anything yet because 99% of everything is planning right up until the delivery in the 60 days.
But it's going to be great and as I said there's a great team there and I think we'll prove it.
These tickets that are going like hotcakes for the opening ceremony and the closing ceremony, the $10,000 tickets, why are they so cheap?
Well if they are...
Can we have a couple?
We've got the ties, I don't think we need them.
Well the ones you applied for this week were the synchronised swimming.
Yeah.
And that's been organised.
Oh we can get in?
You can get into that one, that's fine.
And you've got your spots on the marathons so everything's fine.
Can we just return to Rugby League for a minute?
The breakaway competition recently staged a match which featured players from New South Wales and players from Queensland and don't tell me you didn't have a grin on your face when you saw the result.
Did they play?
Yeah don't pretend John Fowle.
It was a magnificent display by people who had been born and bred in New South Wales playing Rugby League.
Sure they might have changed the rules but still basically Rugby League, clobbering maroons.
Now don't tell me they didn't...
The region happens in May, it sits on next month as fuck.
The IRL is the real thing.
No no I accept that but you know you obviously would have enjoyed the performance of blue players.
I didn't see it.
Oh you read the papers though.
No I didn't, someone told me about it.
So did you have a grin when somebody told you?
Did you cover it?
We covered it.
We covered it in our minds.
From the television.
Do you like the new faster rules John? Do you like it faster?
No fuck.
You don't have to answer that one if you don't mind.
A good one.
Are refereeing standards as high as they've ever been?
They're the same.
They're hundreds.
Nothing's changed.
A historical question, when Ken rang up and said nine are going with Super League...
What's happening to Arco? Are you calling Ken now?
Yeah only because you're here.
Because when we use the other names often people scratch their heads and wonder who we're talking about.
When Ken rang up and said nine are going with Super League on Monday night, when Arco rang up rather so as you'll understand,
nine are going with Super League on Monday night, what did you say apart from poo?
Well I don't think we should say that tonight.
No I understand.
Is it fair to say John that if you've got enough money you can buy whatever law you like?
Is that the lesson to be learned?
Well after what we went through it's pretty hard to accept that the court says you can do everything that's supposedly wrong and against the law, but you can win.
Now I think that's very hard and I think a lot of League people and a lot of Australians find that hard to accept, but that's the decision of the law.
We have to accept it. You've got no option.
How did Kerry take it? Was Kerry over the moon?
Well I think he was overseas.
In Louisiana.
Well look John it's tremendous to have you on the show at last.
Look obviously Roy and I have enjoyed yours and Arco's work in the office there at Phillip Street over the years with enormous pleasure.
And it's just a marvellous to renew old acquaintance here and bury the league so, hatchet so to speak, and look forward to more stupidity on the League front.
And on that cheerful note it's time to wish John all the very best in the Olympic paper.
And I ask everyone whether here in the Wicks or there at home to get it out and start wanging away to thank John Pyle.
John, John Pyle.
And now the show that's a very warm favourite for the Logie coming up on May the 18th in the highly competitive space drama Under 13 Minutes.
It's a hotly contested field this year.
Let's once again climb the stepladder, take a peek at the 29th century and cross over to the flight deck of the BG for another stanza in Star Search.
Life on board the BG goes on with sex inevitably raising its belial head.
Sex and time.
As John Rolls once said, if I only had time, only time.
I overheard you having loud sex with Grade 2 rude dog-rooter.
I did.
We did.
We did it.
And?
And we might do it again.
Don't you realise it's against the Ajax O'Leary code of conduct?
And who might tell him?
Puffy butt.
Well darling, you can play the smeared horn with whoever you like.
As long as it doesn't compromise the mission of this ship.
I'll bear that in mind.
Crew to laboratory immediately for a missive from the Master.
I think we're needed.
Well, I don't know about you darling but I think I'll be needed.
And this late 20th century genius, Ralph Sarich, had great success with his time machine.
On trips he sent many important people.
A great Norman, a car salesman, Alan Jones, a talking parrot, and Tony Lockard, a sportsman,
who took a great number of canines on a trip to find out how the pyramids were built.
Canines? You mean dogs, don't you, Master?
Quite so, dog-rooter.
Thought so. Interesting.
Anyway, on the day of the official launch of the time machine, 9th of March, 1999,
Johnny Farnham had the Sarich time bracelets attached to each limb.
And he was programmed to attend a major sporting event in 2000.
But, owing to mobile phone electromagnetic interference,
only his leg made a trip to nobody knew where.
Well now, we have that leg.
Amazing.
If you're right, Master, there should be a Sarich time bracelet on this leg.
And here it is.
Do you know what this means?
We can travel in time, Master.
Exactly.
If I can get this thing working, I can amplify its power and we can all travel to whatever time we like.
I'm sure of it.
This is great. Real entertainment at last.
Get to it, crew.
So it may happen. With the time machine, I'll have the chance to show them all how I became a master of mirth.
The most decorated commander of my time. I'll blow them away.
Here's a little number that means a lot to me.
It goes something like this.
One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do.
I see the future, it's great.
As long as you just get there too late.
That's right, just don't get there too late.
The big story in football this week is the fusing of two great Australian traditions and that is Rugby League and the Anzac Day,
with the Anzac Day Test now supported fully by the RSL featuring two sides, one from Australia and one from New Zealand,
hence the Anzac Bridge.
Now I think the RSL were paid $20,000 for this sort of naming rights idea of sponsorship of sorts in the Anzac Day festivities.
This has produced a lather of frenzy from feral journalists and talkback radio announcers across the nation.
Roy, can it work and is it a good idea?
I see. I think it's one of the most exciting ideas ever since, say, football and sex were fused by John Quayle.
Just a few years ago.
Anzac and Rugby League, it's got a real ring to it.
I phoned Laurie Daly, the Australian captain, once I found out about it, he was very excited about it.
I asked him to name, say, five Australian Anzac heroes.
He couldn't. He'd never heard of, say, Sir Odin Cupler.
He'd never heard of Weary Dunlop.
He'd never heard of, say, John Gorton, who I think was shot down.
He'd never heard of, say, Keith Miller.
He'd heard of Simpson and the Donkey.
He hadn't heard of Simpson and the Donkey.
So I think if each of the players can learn about Anzac, can become ambassadors for Anzac and go around to the schools.
Ladies and gentlemen, Captain Laurie Daly, captain in military uniform, representing the Rugby League and Anzac,
and go in and tell the kiddies the story of Anzac.
He can relive for them in their minds, say, Pozziers and the song Eepers.
Tricky.
Very, very tricky.
No one knew what was going on.
He can describe what a loon, say, General Hague was.
What a loon.
The difficulty is in the Kokoda Trail.
Oh, yeah.
You know, Alan Langer could describe the Kokoda Trail.
I'll pass you over to my deputy, Private Alan Langer, to describe the Kokoda Trail.
Oh, it was real bad.
Oh, jeez, they had a bad time.
We were saved by the fuzzy wuzzy angels.
The fuzzy wuzzy angels.
Oh, we were buggered.
It was real bad because it was muddy and wet and cold and weird and people shooting at us.
Oh, jeez, it was bad.
I think it could work because it's kind of getting kiddies thinking, Anzac, yes, count me in.
Where can I sign up?
Look, I don't think I went far enough, though, Roy, because I'd like to see the first test, say, played on the song.
The second test played at Gallipoli, and imagine, you know, 50 or 60,000 Australians in New Zealand
just cramming into the Gallipoli beachhead to see the lads run up and down.
And then the third one, say, played on the Kokoda Trail halfway along.
On an angle like that.
Yeah, on an angle like that.
I think you'd run downhill in the second half, but I'm not an expert about rugby league.
But the other thing that I find difficult with the idea, having said that all those things are good,
is that I understood in the Second World War, the enemy were the, well, at least in the Second and First World War,
the enemy were the Germans, the Japs and the Turks.
Johnny and Johnny Turk.
Johnny Turk. Now, when I last looked at the rugby league atlas of the world, I didn't see a flag in each of those countries.
I'm just wondering if the promoters, i.e. Super League, could get behind this and get a team out of Japan,
because let's not forget we're technically still at war with them, because we never said they were sorry.
They could get a bloody side up from Japan, a side up from Turkey, and a side up, say, even a, you know,
a scratch side from Italy, because they were there in the Second World War.
A sort of tri-series.
A tri-series, yeah.
A triple on Tom. And the best would play Australia.
And you'd have the triple alliance, the L lot.
Yeah, that's right. Now, that's got an idea to it, but so far it's, we're playing our mates.
I mean, sure we hate New Zealand, we always want to beat them, especially in soccer with the World Cup coming up,
but bloody hell, Roy, it just doesn't ring a bell.
We could confuse Cubs. I know. I know.
Because they're going to think Anzac, Australia, New Zealand and America.
Yeah. Armichael. Yeah. Australia, New Zealand.
Well, that's not right. That's not right. We should be, we should be, you know, we should be with New Zealand.
Yeah. Somehow doing something with them.
Doing something with them. Not to them. Not to them.
Oh.
Roy, the other thing, though, that where I'd like the idea, where I think the idea's got enormous potential is,
as the ranks of the diggers thin out, I'd love to see the ranks swirl with rugby league players
who have played in these test matches against New Zealand on Anzac.
Yeah. Yeah.
And don't tell me that Laurie will probably, Laurie Daly, I mean, I don't want to put the muck on him,
but he'll probably have a few kids later on in life. He will.
And then when Laurie gets to be, say, 90, the kids can march along.
And so you'd have a terrific synthesis of the great things that have held this nation together,
i.e. war and rugby league. And as the...
Sorry, you'd have to say that if there are a few remaining from the 38th from the Kokoda Trail or the 43rd...
Yeah, the second and seventh field ambulance.
Yeah, or the ones that General Blamey tried to bugger up,
a few of them marching because there wouldn't be many left,
and behind them you'd have, ladies and gentlemen, the Cannery Bankstown Rugby League Club.
Or the Australian representative from the Cannery Bankstown Rugby League Club.
Yeah, and all the kiddies.
I think that it's got future to it. I'd like to see trenches around, say,
if you're going to have it at the Sydney Football Stadium, big trench and barbed wire around there,
25-pounders up in there, last hill.
And people might be able to buy clods and things and stones and rocks.
And when a player's injured, you get Simpson and his donkey to go out and get them.
And you've got little rocks at them.
Oh, look. I know where you're going, Tom.
Put him over and drag him off under fire, getting it.
That's right. That's right. Well, the other thing is,
is any player who went down would be in order for a DSO.
This thing was service order.
And, you know, I think that if people were died eventually,
that's something that will go stupidly wrong in rugby league, a VC.
VC.
Posthumously.
Posthumously. Yeah.
And then on the match series, might get a VC, say, on the man of the series,
might get a VC every so often when it was, you know, a terrific match.
Don't tell me the old diggers, not that there's all that many left of the original,
and it might be only half a dozen, but they'd love to see an Australia player Turkish team.
We'd bloody want murder on them.
They'd be hopeless. Wouldn't they?
Well, if they'd be a joke, that'd be like 100-0.
Well, easily.
In the first half.
Yeah.
Then we'd run down the hill.
Oh, I'd love to see that.
There's so many possibilities there.
I'd love to see an Indonesian team.
I don't know what their position was at all.
Where did Indonesia stand?
I don't know.
No.
I'd like to see an Indonesian team.
I'd like to see a Korean team.
I'd like to see Japan v. Korea.
Oh, that'd be beauty.
I'd like to see East team or v. Indonesia.
Yeah, that'd be a bit of a grudge match.
I know who we'd be rooting for.
Not your correct luck.
Tommy, now.
Shut up.
Now.
What is he talking about from that?
Oh, well, I assume so.
I assume he'll get the nod in the end if the old sister doesn't get in the road.
And by the rugby league.
And now, Club Bugger, it's a tremendous thrill to be able to introduce to you a duo who are with us week in, week out
in the toughest variety competition in the world.
And every time I see them in action, I'm just reduced to little pieces of painful rubble.
Are they that good?
And this evening is the love symbols gusset grabber strolling the backing, the brand new Beatles Australia.
Can you welcome to the torch the wicker here in the buggy house, the duo who have always been with us.
In other words, Club Bugger, his very own, Misson Cedric's.
Close the shop, let's take a drive.
Take a break from nine to five.
It's a great to be alive.
Oh, yeah.
We could rent some roller skates.
We could skate around the lake.
If we don't know how, we'll fake it.
Oh, yeah.
Strolling, strolling.
We could have fun just strolling.
Rocking, rolling.
Oh, yeah.
Let's forget about the time.
Let's relax and ease our minds.
We deserve to just feel fine.
Oh, yeah.
We could stroll the mezzanine.
Buy some dirty magazines.
Laugh behind them while we're eating ice cream.
Strolling, strolling.
We could have fun just strolling.
Rocking, rolling.
Oh, yeah.
Let's take a break.
Let's stroll.
Let's go.
Strolling.
See the man with the brown guitar.
Maybe one day he'll be a star.
Give him your ice cream and I'll give him the keys to my car.
There's so much hate going round.
Hearts that I let it get you down.
The least we can do is make a joyful sound.
Oh, yeah.
Strolling, strolling.
We could have fun just strolling.
Rocking, rolling.
Oh, yeah.
Strolling, strolling.
We could have fun just strolling.
Rocking, rolling.
Oh, yeah.
Strolling, strolling.
Strolling.
Yes, the Misson Cedrics and that was the plug us back and still pulling them in.
Arrangement of strolling and the Beatles on the tweak and the tear and the Misson Cedrics blowing your mind.
Look, it's not a term I often use when critiquing a performance, but I think on this occasion it was entirely justified.
Now, in the wake of his enormous success last weekend at the US Masters, Greg Norman has had some golfing hints published in Golf Australia, the world credentialed local golfing magazine.
Isn't that a great magazine?
It's a very good read for those who are wanting to improve their game. I suggest they go to the newsagent tomorrow morning and buy the Sunday papers on Golf Australia.
Well, you can read it in the news part.
Yeah, that's right. Certainly the tips don't take long.
Put it back on the rack here.
The tip concerning putting for Greg Norman is one that he practices the putting with his eyes shut.
Yes, it's hard to imagine that Greg does this while he's putting.
This explains an awful lot about why he dutted out last weekend at Augusta because he took what he did in the training panic into the match itself.
Roy, can it work? You've given it a go this week. How are you getting on with it?
Yes, I did, AC. I've got a couple of balls here. A couple of terrific balls. They're sort of leaden balls, as you can see.
Plutonium.
Plutonium balls for safety in the studio. Look, I do have a club here, exactly the one the shark used. AC, if we imagine this to be our hole.
Well, I'll mark it with a flag, Roy.
We've got our hole there. Let's say we've got a tricky lie at Augusta. Let's say somewhere around here.
Now, set the scene for us, Roy. You've got Oosterhoest, you've got Woosnum, you've got Faldo, you've got Price, you've got Ernie Ells, all one stroke behind you.
You've got to sink this to get the green jack.
That's right. And Bob Tway.
Bob Tway, oh yeah, bloody Bob Tway.
Calcovec here. Did you mention him?
Yeah.
What about Ian Woosnum's Woosnum?
I didn't mention him.
Did you?
Gee, it's a fantastic film.
It isn't that ever. What about the Mary Mechs?
Oh, Lee Trevino.
Lee Trevino, laugh at Lee.
And Arnie's Army and the Golden Bear, and they're all one stroke behind you.
Yeah, well, Sharky would address the, I know it's a difficult, Sharky would go straight in the bloody cup.
Yeah, with the eyes shut.
Because Sharky's a bloody idiot with the eyes closed.
So he'd teet up with the eyes closed and have a bang.
Open the eyes and see what happened.
Sharky's going to have to get out a bloody, say a three iron because you're 400 metres down the road.
Closes his eyes and oh, you know, something went wrong.
The way I think you've got to do, I did do a bit of practice during the week actually, I think you've got to assess the lie.
Yes, you do.
With the eyes open.
Wander around.
I would approach it this way. I'd bang off around here.
I'd go completely crazy and go this way.
Yes, Roy, looking good. Looking very good.
Whoa.
Yes.
See, what the shark overlooks is that golf's a simple game for simple people.
Just hit the ball and put it in the hole.
Yeah.
You do have to fuse, I know where the shark's coming from.
Man, I know he's blowing his mind.
He's trying to fuse the clubhead with the mind.
But you can't really do that.
The cranium gets in the way.
You could have a painting style a bit cut out and there's this thick clubhead right here.
That'd fuse it somehow.
But basically I think you've got to use a bit of common sense and your senses.
Open your eyes to putt.
That seems to be the lesson.
And now it's time to welcome to the Bug House a man who has thrilled us for 20 years or so
as not only Norman Gunston but the son out of Mother and Son.
Look, he needs absolutely no introduction to Australian television audiences so he's not getting one.
Listen, Sadrish, can you have an extra close shave and stick cotton woolly bits on the cuts?
Can you bury Rip Snorters while you're soaring fallen angels
and give us the long handle of the Gary MacDonald story?
Let us sing, TV screen, perfect cellular class to see.
He's an act.
A Gary MacDonald is an act.
Quick with the lines, quick with the wits.
He is amazing, with or without any script.
He's an act.
Gary MacDonald is an act.
Give him the role.
Give him the space.
He always wins.
Can he perform and raise me some act?
Gary MacDonald is an act.
Applause.
Yes, thanks for coming in, Gary. It's entirely safe.
Look, the wrong colour.
You've recently been involved in two television productions in Australian TV,
one of which is still with us, and let's have a look at an upcoming episode
from fallen angels on the ABCs on Friday nights.
Fallen angels, this is a terrific scene, Gary.
We can get the sound up.
It's very trebly, the sound on this.
I don't know who was your sound recordist in this, but it's very trebly and we get every lip smack.
It's a lovely scene. It's a very moving scene.
I'd love to watch it with you at home, talking all the way through.
Yes.
Well, we let the pictures speak for themselves, I suppose, Gary.
Oh, my God.
It's beautiful.
Come on.
Now, why not?
On my desk?
Nobody's watching.
Well, now, well.
Well, if it's a Labour Party tradition.
Talk to the feed.
Yes, I'm sorry about that.
Oh, no, no.
It's a tremendous scene.
Do you like getting your trousers on?
Oh, I love it.
Don't ask me to stand up right now after watching it.
No.
That was interesting, that scene, doing that.
That was the most interesting one to do with my lover in that.
Do you get aroused when you're doing a scene like that?
I think that was trying to sort of get round that.
No, you looked aroused.
I was aroused.
You were aroused?
I was aroused.
But do you really get aroused?
Do you have to say, oh, now, hold it, I'll have to break for a few minutes.
There was no problem with Esther Meritsecki.
I don't know whether she got aroused, but I certainly did.
Now, look, can we talk about the one that's not on television briefly?
Where were you when you found out the news that Seven weren't going to give it a go?
I mean, I loved it.
I think everybody loved it, but the only people in Australia who didn't like it were the Seven executives.
I mean, if they'd let it run, I mean, as somebody pointed out to me only this week,
they gave Weal seven years.
I realised it at rate, seven years.
They gave Rip Snorter about seven episodes.
Not even that.
Well, Roy, before the show, said to me, you've done a bit of everything,
except you haven't done a game show.
So what do you think Rip Snorter's was?
Roy doesn't watch television.
He only watches clips like that and blew his...
My son calls it Gary McDonnell's RIP Snorters.
Oh.
Yeah, I was in Catherine, actually.
I was fishing in Catherine Gorge.
I was just about to go fishing in Catherine Gorge and I got the news.
And Snorters had been...
I think it was the band tuning up.
It sounded more like...
It sounded more like flatulence to me.
If it happened something like that happened in that scene with Estimariteki.
That was really cool.
Audiences get very relaxed in this program.
Very relaxed.
People can do what they like.
Thank heavens they're going to...
They want to blow off, they just...
Yeah, I think it was mentioning RIP Snorters has an effect.
That's right.
Sorry, you were in Catherine and somebody rang up and said...
Well, yeah, yeah, and said...
They actually said to me, Gary, they're not going to go ahead with RIP Snorters.
Now, I said, oh...
They said, now, you do have one more to shoot,
but you don't have to shoot it if you don't want to.
They don't mind.
If you don't want to shoot it, you don't have to shoot it.
That was kind of them.
Yes, OK, I won't shoot it.
So they've got about six, I think, up their sleeves.
Now...
They'll be haunting me for years, I know.
They just sneak one out every now and then.
Can I just pursue the fishing thing for a while?
I mean, how...
I know you did to relax and to sort of get your mind off,
you know, obviously the problems of RIP Snorters and television and so on,
but how does killing things help that?
How does what?
Killing things.
Killing defenseless fish help that?
Oh, I thought you meant like killing TV series.
No, no, no.
I put them back most of the time.
I kill the odd one.
The other day my wife said,
look, I want to take a couple of these because she's a new convert to fishing, you see.
I absolutely adore fishing.
And she just started a couple of weeks ago.
I took her to New Zealand fly fishing.
The first day she caught five fish and the second day she caught three,
one of which was six and a half pounds.
Now I'm a six pound, so she's pretty bloody good.
So she said, now, look, I want to keep on some of these fish.
I want a meal tonight.
So I said, oh, well, all right.
And she caught this nice fish and I said, well, do you want to keep this one?
You know, she said, yes, yes, I want to keep it.
I said, OK, OK.
So I killed it.
Oh, what are you doing?
What are you doing that for?
Oh, yeah.
What did you do?
Was it a blade through the back of the neck?
No, I showed it an episode of Rip Snorter.
It is strange, this thing, isn't it, that people don't realize that for a lot of things that we eat,
you have to kill them.
I've always enjoyed that part of it.
You won't find me backing away from, you know, getting a couple of barra and banging their heads together.
Oh, no.
Or, you know, with just a bit of a ball-pane hammer.
Look, it is true.
That's what I was doing up there.
I smack them against the rock.
That's the way.
Look, a lot of people, you know, sporting people and media people and identities, relax fishing.
It seems to be an incredibly popular sport with this.
Any idea why? Is it something to do with that there's a quarry out there, you've got to concentrate,
you've got to think, you've got to forget all the problems of, you know, Channel 7 and the ABC.
Yeah, and there's no ratings.
You keep on bringing up Channel 7.
I'm not too disturbed by it.
Maybe I will when I go home after this show.
No, I suppose it is because there's the challenge and there's no, like, there are no ratings, etc., etc.
But it's also the surroundings.
I mean, it's fantastic.
You go somewhere like Catherine Gorge.
I mean, fishing at Catherine Gorge up there, up on the top of Gorge 1,
with the moon coming up behind you and the sun going down the other, just stunning, you know.
Well, you fish at night.
Well, as, you know, dusk, that's one of the best.
Oh, imagine the hour.
Yeah, you know about these things.
You wanted to be an architect, I read.
Is this true? Did you want to be an architect?
Did you really want to be an architect?
Yeah, until I started doing tech drawing and then it was as boring as, you know, Dirt.
But yeah, for a while there I did want to be an architect.
Until I was about 14, then I sort of wanted to be a silly bugger.
And I wanted to be like Peter Sellers, that was, you know.
And then I wanted to be like Gordon Shader.
Now look, you've...
I want to be like Rex Hunter, obviously.
Yes. Have you thought about doing a fishing show?
Have you had any offers from Seven about the fishing show?
Seven keeps saying, no, no, you can't have a fishing show.
No, I, you know, I'm just not all that proficient.
I really enjoy it, I love it.
But you need some, you need people like Rex Hunter and Steve Starling that really know what they're talking about.
Yeah, it's got, you...
It'd be like giving you guys a show on sport, really, wouldn't it?
Yeah, yeah, it would work.
Waste it.
It wouldn't work.
Now, having worked with the ABC and Channel 7, say with the Gunston show, what's the...
Is there much difference in the culture?
Was it easier working with the ABC than Channel 7 or was it easier with Channel 7?
What's the difference?
I can't answer questions like that. I'll be in trouble.
You know, I might be employed by one of them.
Yeah.
There is a, I guess there's a slight difference.
Actually, Channel 7 I've worked with before and I really enjoy working with them.
They're good people.
Yeah.
And I love working with the ABC and it's an incredibly diplomatic answer.
Yeah, it certainly is.
It was, yeah.
You can bat nine and ten as much as you like on this show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've worked for ten too, that was fun, yeah.
Now, look, you've had a tremendously long history in television and I think we've got one of your finest moments to have a look at now.
It goes back to November 1975.
It's all been downhill since then, hasn't it?
Well...
Come back now.
Did I peak too early?
No, you don't often get incidents like this in your life and you've got a cracker.
Let's have a look at it now.
On the steps of Parliament House, you bump into Bob Hawke.
It's a bit too serious for that.
It certainly is.
Oh, no, I quite agree.
It certainly is.
It's extremely serious.
What I want to know, is this an affront to the constitution of this country?
Oh, was it just a stroke of good luck for Mr Fraser?
No.
Thanks very much.
Mr Brinkley.
It is a remarkable moment by any stretch of the imagination.
Did you just happen to be in Canberra at the time or were you...
It wasn't as much fun as the scene with Mr Maratsecki, I must say.
No.
I was in a Chinese restaurant at the time in Mosman or something like that, a Cremor
one it was, and I got a phone call there saying, this has just happened.
I said, oh, come on, you're joking.
So I had to jump on a plane and fly to Canberra and get changed in the restroom in the toilet,
in the plane.
I had to get changed in the toilet and made up and everything.
So I sort of...
It's a bit like Sydney, really.
I went in, came out with a hair roll plastered over and bits of toilet paper on my face,
rushed in there and quickly did it and then went back to Sydney.
Do you feel those things haunt you a little bit though?
Well, sometimes they do.
Yeah, I suppose sometimes they do.
Haunt me?
It's wonderful.
You know, there was a period there a few years back where I wanted to sort of recreate it
and you can't really go back.
Sometimes I think, oh, it'd be fun to do that again.
It's great fun doing Norman, but I did that a long time ago.
It's something I've done.
Is it restricting them going back and working with a script, say, Geoffrey Atherton style?
No, no, no.
I prefer that.
You prefer working with a script now?
Yep, yep.
Can't you tell from this?
I absolutely...
No, I love working with a script.
I love interpreting a script and that's what I was trained to do, really.
So I guess in a way it was interesting going and doing Mother and Son because when you
went from that to say something like Fire, I did a couple of episodes of Fire,
and people just change the script all the time.
And one of the actors said to me, oh, you're used to working with really good scripts,
you know, but we sort of change stuff all the time.
Well, I'm not used to that, not in dramas and sitcoms.
I'm not used to coming in and saying, oh, this is rubbish and putting a blue pencil through stuff.
And finally, you love cooking.
How did you get started in the cooking caper?
Do you cook fish?
Yeah, I do cook fish.
I used to love cooking.
I mean, I don't mind it now.
I used to absolutely adore cooking, but I got two kids.
Well, they're 25 and 22 now.
And when my daughter was at school, she'd want to know what time the dinner was going to be on the table.
And if it wasn't, like if I was 15 minutes late, she'd just go off her head.
So I completely lost the desire to cook so much.
Sorry, darling, she's watching the show tonight.
So I don't cook as much as I used to.
It became a bit of a chore after.
It was good fun up until lunch, and you know, she had the clock on me.
Sorry, is there going to be another series of Fallen Angels or another series of Mother and Son?
No, no, no.
HLs or anything like that?
No, nothing like that.
No, this looks like a year of fishing for me.
The, uh, unless they, you know, decide to resurrect Rick Snorters after you've given it such a big build-up.
I think they should. I think they should.
I mean, the world's crying out, more Snorters.
Thank you.
Yeah, no, it looks like it might be a year of fishing.
Mother and Son finished quite a few years ago, and they're doing an English version of it now.
Um, and, uh, there's no... I mean, there's definitely no plans to do any more of that.
It's a pity. Yeah, it is. Yeah.
And on that rather sad note, despite the booze for Rick Snorters,
it's time to wish Gary all the best for a wonderful future in TV.
And I ask all Club Bugger reviewers, whether here in the Torch the Weck or there at home,
to start wanging the plates of meat to thank Gary McDonald!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
He's an act
Gary McDonald is an act
Give him a role
Give him the space
He'll always win
And he performing risky some act
Gary McDonald is some act
Yeah!
APPLAUSE
We, uh, look, a couple of weeks ago we were able to attend the Elton John 50th birthday bash
and we got our holiday snaps back from the Kodak Hour printer the other day,
and, by gee, they make attractive viewing.
Look, I think it's fair to say that Australian stars were at the forefront of making that night a night to remember.
Who did you see and how were they looking?
Uh, HCI, I went to... It was a very small group of us,
but I think we made an impact.
I was with Danny Monogue and Molly Mildrum.
And it was a very, very special night.
Everyone was so happy for Elton.
He looked so comfortable.
He didn't want to sit down at all all night.
He was fine.
And Molly, of course, he had the hat on.
All he had was a hat and a sort of plastic sack.
Lap lap style.
Over the sort of seminafrost tubular area.
Full of a white powder.
Which disappeared slowly over the night.
As people approached him, people he knew that I didn't know, approached him with straws.
It was a very fruity night.
A very fruity and funny night.
I think he looked best when there was no powder left.
It was a look.
You know, you could see people look at Elton and then catch an eye of Molly.
They were looking at Molly.
I don't think Elton liked that.
Because I think he likes, you know, you spend $500 million on yourself, you want people to look at you.
Yes, that's true.
But I think, as you pointed out, Australians were to the forefront.
And Molly said to me as we left her tonight, I'll never forget.
Did he?
Yeah, he did.
Why would you say that?
Molly, that's one of Molly's.
Now in the Bugghouse, it's time for a feisty little number that'll have you thinking lewd, rude and nude.
It's a big claim, but as usual we're able to deliver.
It's an enormous thrill for Club Buggery to present.
On the stool this evening, the old cruet swaller, that's Wardville.
And to supply the poke, Mick Microphone Conway!
Music
That's variety, that's portable
That's portable
With a little bit of corn and a little bit of tank
That's portable
With a little bit of health, bits of colour and rocks
Shake your legs, shake your hands
Go listen to that portable band
Who is crazier than this crazy still?
That's variety and that's portable
Oh!
That portable
With a little bit of corn and a little bit of tank
That portable
With a little bit of health, bits of colour and rocks
Shake your legs, shake your hands
Go listen to that portable band
Who is crazier than this crazy still?
That's variety and that's portable
Crazy then, crazy still
That's variety and that's portable
Oh!
You're here live on Club Baggerie
in the Torch the Wick Room
And now we come to that moment in the show
where we celebrate your endeavour in the threads department
here in the Torch the Wick on Club Baggerie
Yes, once again it's time for This Is Living
But before we go to this week's prizes
let's have a look at the deliriously happy couple
who greeted the judge last Saturday night
here in the Bug House, Roy
Yes Garth, Christie and Lauren, I see
We sent them off, there they were at Northright RSL
They were, they might have been a little bit underage
but we don't think so
This was the first time they'd ever played the pokies
the first time they'd ever had a drink
and they went a little bit crazy those kiddies
but they're totally addicted to this
This is living
Yes indeed, and this week's prize include
the Fallen Angels hat
a magnificent hat there, the Club Baggerie cards
as used by Mick Microphone Conway
and his CD
a Mick CD with at least 18 tracks or so
and a special CD from Rebecca's Empire
Plus Roy!
So we're sending off a very very happy couple
to the Belmain Tigers Leagues Club
Here it is, it's full of tradition HG
You're met by the manager, very very nice white slacks
in you go, and it's all tradition
tradition, look at the old balls there
the old boots
there's Dave Bolton's jacket from 1969
here's one that was worn in 1915 during the war
but it's old and new
it's a little bit modern, a little bit new
here's a wonderful trophy there
and here's the new bit
it's got all the facilities you would ever need
and you make so many friends
at Tigers, Belmain, Leagues Club
HG went with the steak
with a mushroom sauce
and baked vegetables
and he said it was delicious
because this is living
This is living
Stuart and Kerry is it?
Yep, certainly
Congratulations, you've come in black
it's a very traditional look, are you happy with it?
I was, thank you
Did you dress him? Was it your idea?
Oh god no
Was it your idea?
It's tremendous, you two young kids
off you go, can you take the challenge?
Are you going to go to Tigers for us?
I think we can
Because this is living
This is living
I see the future, it's great
As long as you don't get there too late
That's right, just don't get there too late
Yes, sadly we've come to the end of another show
Roy, where are you off to in the coming few days?
Actually, Liz Hayes and I are making up a
Just a pairing for tomorrow
We're going to see the monster trucks
At Oran Park
I know Liz loves the big trucks
I do too, it's going to be a sensational day
They're so big and powerful
And they go so quick
They get up to about 60 clicks
I'll be going to a little bit of
Ian Turp's Turpy Magic tomorrow
As part of the Bandstand family
Now what connection Ian has with the Bandstand family
I'm lost
But he's packing down now with
Little Patty, Brian Davies and the rest of the gang
I think Brian Henderson is going to come over
To introduce the acts
That's all at Para Lee
It's a tremendous night of old
Well afternoon at least
They're a bit old to be out at night
It's a tremendous afternoon of old fashioned variety
And as we sign off from the Torch the Wick
Roy and I would like to thank John Quayle, Gary McDonnell, Mick Conway, The News & Centre
It's the brand new Beatles, Ian Turp's Turpy
And you the audience, whether here in Torch the Wick
Or there at home on the Tool
Thanks for taking interest in variety once again
Next week is the traditional
Anzac Day Smoko
With a special guest list headed up by
Jennifer Kite and Thelma Houston
Yes the international flavour continues
Finally it's time for Act 5 in the National Battle of the Sounds
And remember your votes will determine
The 97 winner
Contestant number 5 is
Presenting an old ACDC
Belt dropper and skirt
Lifter
You shook me all night long
Australia can you please give a humongous
Battle of the Sounds blow off
Welcome to Rebecca Barnard
See you next week, here is
Jenniferizzard Heart dynamics
Telling me no lies
Knocking me out with those American thighs
Taking more than a share
Had me fighting for air
She told me to come, but I was already there
The walls were shaking
The earth was quaking
My mind was aching
We were making it
You shook me all night long
Working double time on this seduction lie
She was one of the kind, and she was mine all mine
I wanted no applause, it's just a little cause
She made a male out of me
And then she'd come back for more
Had to cool me down to take another round
Now I'm back in the ring to take another swing
The walls were shaking
The earth was quaking
My mind was aching
We were making it
You shook me all night long
Well, just shake it, shake it, shake it, yeah, you
You shook me all night long
You really shook me
You shook me all night long
You were just like Jake and Stevens, yeah, you
You shook me all night long
Well, just shake it, shake it, shake it, yeah, you
You shook me all night long
Well, you shook me all night long
You shook me all night long