We wish to advise that tonight's edition of Roy and HG may include material that could offend some viewers.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Saturday night, it's party night, it's time to club buggery!
Tonight, this party night presents club buggery, live from Bray's Golden Shower here in Australia.
Club buggery proudly features on song the Nissan Cedric.
It's Loge's night, she's stuck up on beer, stay inside, get down on the chair, get ready for magic, colour and light.
Bray with a loge, the rest in a pint, and shouting at the mong, cause we're on song, Australia's brand new Beatles.
And now, can you please give a big warm Australian welcome to our host for the night, direct from the Prince of Wales Hotel,
round aging Roy Slaven and HG Nelson.
Yes, thanks very much Ian Terpsterby, thanks very much brand new Beatles, thanks very much Nissan Cedric, hello Australian loge winners, and welcome to another night of club buggery,
where too much variety will be barely enough. Tonight, club buggery coming to you live from Bray's Golden Shower here at the Crown Casino.
And to torch the wick on another week of danger and romance here on Club Buggery, it's time to ask round Paging Roy Slaven, which issue have you ripped from the tissues this week, pal?
Well, you see, not this week, but last week I noticed that our Pan Pacific Heavyweight Champion, our number 11th contender for the World Heavyweight Champion,
can't find anyone in Australia to fight him. This is Aussie Joe Buckner. Aussie Joe can't find any bucket of money getting in with a pair of shorts and hitting him.
I find it very hard to believe, but it's true. And I think the purse being offered is $60,000. $60,000.
Now I don't know if people have examined the relationship here between the $450 bonus, the Pentecostal.
Wouldn't that be terrific? The icing on the cake. You've just got to hop into a ring with Joe. Chances are you'd win. Didn't I know who you were? No.
Just put on a glove and a pair of shorts, hop in and hi Joe, how are you? 10 rounds later. $60,000. Put it away. Just put it away.
And watch $450 just rolling in. And if you could live on that for a year, which many people have to do, the following year another $450.
It's a terrific idea. Set for life. Set for life. Thanks very much. Joe. Joe and Costello Blank. Yes, that's right.
Big turn. They're working for you, remember. I'd like to see Costello get in the ring with Joe. Yes, keep the money himself. Keep the money himself. Why not?
Now obviously our first guest needs absolutely no introduction to ABC television audiences, therefore he's not getting one.
And listen, Sandwich, can you pop the champagne and give us the Andrew Denton story?
I've always wondered why it is the guests only ever kiss you, Roy, and not you actually.
I prod forward hopefully. And my tongue responded beautifully. It did. It did.
Enough of this gay banter, boys. Now, look obviously tomorrow night we celebrate the climax of the television year in Australia with the presentation of let's call it the 47th annual Logies.
It's a tremendous deal. I think it's going to be held in the Crown Casino. You've been an enthusiastic critic of the Logies over the years. Why?
Well, critics are too strong a word, you see. It is the funniest night on television. That's true and we should give it that.
But the thing is, I've never met anyone in television who privately doesn't say that the Logies are crap. And all I do is say it publicly. Look, the Logies are crap. There, see, it's not hard.
Well, look Andrew. It's not funny, but crap.
Look, I just wanted to show you this. Now have a look at these. These are the contenders for gold. We've got Daryl, Kerry-Ann, Lisa, Ray and Johnny Wood there. They are wonderful performers at the top of their tree. They're magnificent Australians.
They are just all worthy of being winners of gold tomorrow night. Now surely you haven't got a word against any of them, have you?
Well, it's funny, you know, you said five names there, but I still only see Ray. I can't even see another face. I can only see Ray.
That's right. Unfortunately you're not alone there. The majority of the Australian community can only see Ray.
But I thought Kerry-Ann's photo was good there. I think Daryl doing the presentation cancels himself out. Lisa got a bit of a gong last year. Woody's not there. And so I think it's Kerry and Ray who are down as the number.
And Daryl's not going to win a Logie until she can get Mel Colston to dance on the midday show. So that's not going to happen. I think Lisa McQueen probably should win it because she had to kiss a very ugly man on Blue Heelers. And that's worthy of a...
Would you say you kissing Roy tonight might be something that they can consider for a Logie next year?
No, I see it more as a Larry M to sort of World's Worst Introductions 3. I see it more as a Channel 9 special compilation and ugly moments on television.
Well you kissed Rex Mossack too, didn't you?
Well we all kissed Rex Mossack.
Look, do you think, is this magazine, is it TV Times or TV Week? What is this one?
TV Week.
TV Week, yeah.
Is this Kerry Packer magazine?
I'm not too sure actually.
I think it probably is.
If it isn't it will be in about five minutes.
It's just one that he's overlooked in the acquisition.
Do you think there's an unhealthy relationship, let's say it is one of Kerry's. Do you think there's a relationship between Ray Off and winning and it being a TV Week Kerry thing with Kerry owning nine?
And the fact that it's in Crown Casino and Lloyd Green who owns it and Michael Kroger. No, I can't see any coincidence at all. I think it would be a complete coincidence.
I mean here's an example, don't forget your toothbrush. Does anyone remember that?
I do.
Yeah, alright.
Tim Ferguson?
Yeah, lovely guy. Got flicked at the end of last year. Channel 9 hosted the Logies last year, didn't they? They hosted every year.
But don't forget your toothbrush. Won the Logie for the best show on its category. Now how does that happen? It's a Channel 9 show, on Channel 9. Channel 9 broadcasts half the Logies. It got flicked by its own network but it still won the Logies. Someone explain that to me. I think it's a coincidence. But there could be a conspiracy theory.
Is it corrupt? Is the Logies that people trust in, people trust the Logies, is it just a corrupt heap of rubbish?
Oh now look, that's very strong. That's very strong. And despite its accuracy, I'd have to say this. Well no, look the simple fact is people forget because we choose to forget. Because look, it's a fun night isn't it? It's just very close and so on.
But people choose to forget that the Logies have been discredited by the very people that have won it. Remember Peter Luck? Lucky? Australia's favourite son came out and said several years ago he was on the judging panel for Best Current Affairs program and the judging panel decided Four Corners should win it.
And he said, but strangely enough when the Logie came out it went to a Channel 9 show I think. So it's been proven corrupt but that's not a bad thing. Corruption, you know, we love that in New South Wales particularly.
Well I tell you, the problem that I see vis-a-vis the corruption is that Burt doesn't present them anymore. Now Burt of course as most people have realised is on Channel 10 and therefore has got the black mark across his name vis-a-vis presentation. But I think the golden years of the Logies were when Burt was there presenting them.
There were two things that made the Logies great. Burt and alcohol.
True, true. And a very odd guest from time to time.
Well preferably Burt, alcohol and a guest who'd had a lot of the latter. So Michael Cole comes to mind. Absolutely, it's a wonderful moment. And you know, I mean this year, what have we got? We've got Daryl Summers working without an order queue. Without an order queue.
Which is, you know, he said he's going to work without a safety net. But what he hasn't told the public is he's not going to leave the ground at any time. See this is how it's getting on. He doesn't aspire to any heights Daryl so it's completely safe.
So you know I want to see Burt back. Burt's a funny man and he's bitter and that's a great combination.
That's very true. Did Burt use an order queue or not when he didn't?
I don't think so. Because remember those moments when Muhammad Ali came out and he referred to him and he said I like the boy and we thought we were going to see that wonderful moment of Australian Silver Logie winning personally decked by World Heavyweight Boxing Champion. But he got out of it.
Wonderfully. By kissing Muhammad Ali's feet. That's right. No amount of sweat.
Whereas Daryl probably wouldn't have even noticed that he'd offended him. That's true. Those were the days. They've got to get alcohol back into the Logies. I love that.
Did you ever use order queue?
I did. Well funnily enough I never used to use order queue until I did a series on the ABC called The Party Machine and I used to learn all my stuff and a friend I was working with said do you use order queue? I said no. He said well you might as well do. You look like you do.
So when I went to Channel 7 I thought what am I wasting my time for? So I used order queue all the time. The guest everything was up on order queue.
We've got a clip of you working on the ABC television and it's about an item I think you did for Light and Sweaty where you jumped out of a plane with a person strapped to your back. Obviously there's a bit of a dead weight there and you perish.
I still have no idea who he was or what he was doing. That's right. It's just part of what Mike Whitney now dares people to do. You did it without absolutely, you know, just obviously.
I did it for 50 bucks too. You do work for the ABC, you'd know. The one great thing I like about it is that you took along a book in case the jump got boring. The Oxford Book of Death.
Yes, yes. Now we have a look at this clip now. You're on the ground here with the Book of Death.
Here you are in the plane and off you go. And then the interesting thing happens is of course that you decide it's boring enough you're used to it up there. You might as well read a couple of chapters of the Book of Death. So you get horribly wrong. Well horribly wrong but in the most intriguing sort of way.
The updraft I think. The book's open and then it's up on your face.
Now watch your mouth. Why I didn't think just to go like that. I don't know. Well I think that's worth a gold logy. I mean I'm sure I'm easily persuaded and I'm sorry there's not a category for best jump with a book in the logy.
I'd like to see, you know, that's working without a safety net. I'd like to see Daryl do the loggies from 30,000 feet. That'd be entertainment for me. With the rest of the audience there with him on the alcohol coming down at the same time.
With the compulsory American guest whose job it is to say I love Australian entertainment strapped to his back. That's what I like. Yeah, yeah, without a parachute.
I read a comment somewhere saying that in interviews people talk about the darker side of Andrew Dink. The darker side. Now I've known you for years. I've never seen this darker side. Is the darker side simply a concern for massive stupidity in the world? Is that the darker side?
Oh look it's that cliche isn't it about, I'm sure you caught this too. I'm sure both of you did. If you do comedy you're meant to be the sad clown. And you know I hate to disappoint anyone. So you tell them about? Look anyone that does comedy, I think you know the job is to look at the world and find something ridiculous in it. But to look at the world closely for any period of time is also kind of depressing. So yeah there's naturally a darker side to it. But I don't want to bring you down with that. No. Right? You know. Well there was something else you said and that is that television turns people into arseholes.
Now, is this right? Well these three of us here. Is this right?
Oh look yeah I think it does. And in saying this, look it's easy for me to sit up here and say the logos are crap because I never go in and people think oh he never won one. You know he's just jealous. But I will freely say I turn into a television arsehole. Absolutely. Because what happens is you have a publicity department, you know, your picture's on the cover of TV week. Mine never made it and that made me bitter. And because television fame is different to radio fame or theatre fame because you're on television people think you are larger than life. Quite literally.
They do. All the time I copped the remark I thought you were taller. And after a while all the conversations you're in begin to revolve around yourself. And it is very, very hard. I'm not saying there are people that have escaped it. I'm sure there are. You guys seem like perfectly nice guys to me and you did kiss beautifully. But it's very, very hard not to become petulant and develop a big ego. And that's what I mean by television arsehole. And certainly by the end of my time at seven, I'm not blaming them, it was my fault, I was turning into that sort of guy.
I was a bit of a person. But now I'm different, dammit!
Who are some of the biggest arseholes in Australian television?
That's a good question.
You would have seen them all.
But you see, no.
Is Ray an arsehole?
Well you know, that's, funnily enough, the times I've met Ray, I've not found him an arsehole, but you know what I have found him to be? To be immensely insecure. Here is a man who if he sees, you know, he's basically got the whole world at his feet, including Jamie Packer and Kate Fisher apparently.
If he sees one word written about him, which is askew, like, you know, is he wearing a wig or that wasn't a very good interview, he goes up the wall. He's a very insecure man. And I remember thinking, I was talking to him a few years ago and he was complaining about some little review he's got and I remember thinking, you've got everything. Why would this bother you?
But, so, no, he's not an arsehole. But, you know, we stars, we don't know that other people in television are arseholes because we're all nice to each other. HG love your work, Roy you're fantastic and as soon as you turn around and say, they'll never work, you know, never work.
I haven't got a home.
It's a very cynical industry. The thing is, the Logies tomorrow night, all those people watching, everybody out there getting an award and so on, they don't care tuppence for the Logies. You should just be aware of that. That nobody that's actually out there has respect for the Logies. So if you do, you're being conned.
ITV week.
Now, at the moment you're working with Triple M on the breakfast spike there. You'll be having a full in depth analysis of the Logies on Monday morning featuring a lot of input from people who were there. What are you expecting to uncover in this?
The gossip, you know, what really went on. The actual truth, the sort of, you know, everyone's sitting around, well they're not sitting at tables. Are they sitting at tables at the Crown Casino or is it roulette wheels?
Probably the latter.
Roulette wheels, yeah. Okay, so you're sitting at roulette wheels. There won't be much conversation going on at all, I think. Just the sound of payback that's going down the drain. But, no, what I'm looking for is the gossip that comes out of the Logies. Not the stuff we see on the screen, which is everyone being nice to each other.
I'm looking for the real stuff. You know what TV's all about, which is bitchiness. It's about big egos rubbing up against each other. It's about people looking sider. It's about people saying, you know, that Ray, he's got a very thin skin. That sort of thing. That's what I'm looking for.
Well, the dead giveaway thing is where people are sitting. You know, if you're right up the back, I mean, HG and myself, we went once last year, didn't we? We were at the bloody back.
You were nothing.
Well, nothing. You big arseholes are like right up the front.
You can't see what's going on for arsehole.
That's how you get those tables. So, you know, what you've got to do, guys, you've just got to get nasty. You've got to get more attitude.
We might pick some bites tomorrow.
Yeah, I think so. Try one with the baby John. He'd be in it.
For the cover of TV Week. And then a special on the rematch.
Do a catchphrase with him for arsehole. A couple of diagrams. See if he works it out.
You know, obviously you've covered the loggies from various perspectives. Have you actually heard of any good gossip?
Good gossip from the loggies?
It's a bit of a question without notice, I know.
Ray's been sacked from Channel 9.
That sort of thing.
Ray's been sacked from Channel 9. Did you hear that?
Ray's Birdie's collection of wigs.
No, actually I haven't. I mean, you often hear of so-and-so's like the so-and-so, but, you know, I don't want to spoil marriages.
Hopefully you'll be bare with what he does in his private life. It's not fair. Not for me to say. No, I can't give you the good gossip, but on Monday on Triple M you'll hear it.
Yes, and on that cheerful notice time to wish Andrew all the best in the Breakfast Show caper.
And I ask everyone whether here in Ray's Golden Shower or there at home to get out their copies of Live and Sweaty and bang them together to thank Andrew Denton.
It is three days since the conclusion of the successful time travel mission to Earth and the crew is having a bit of a celebration on the Stardick.
Thank you, crew. Thank you. Thank you. Now, as you know, this is a night of celebration to congratulate Grade 2, Mothmerkin, on her recent promotion as a result of the highly successful Fowler mission.
Now, Mothmerkin has been an outstanding member of the crew and has been suitably rewarded. I propose a toast to Moth. Speech. Speech.
Ah, yes, thank you. Ah, this is a complete surprise. Certainly I'm over the moon. It is a dream come true to be on the BG under a truly great master of mirth, Ajax O'Leary.
And I might add I'd like the crew to not treat me any differently now that I'm a fully barred Grade 2.
Pass the sick bed.
Okay, party on, crew. The phrenazole high balls are on me.
So then I became a Grade 3. And in those days you had to entertain all the high notes at central command.
So I thought I'd give my very funny frog licker Fowler story. Little did I know frog lickers in the audience.
It should have been you promoted, Moth. You did all the work and only you understand the time mission.
I know. Don't worry. I have a plan I think the master will like. Two more high balls should have him ready by this big, fat, slimy taub.
Another toast to Grade 2 Mothmerkin and the master.
Well said, Don Rudder. Let's party on.
Okay, O'Leary. I'm coming in.
The master may wait. What are you going to do?
Oh, he'll be non-compass for hours. I'm going to send his primary reproductive organs to another time.
Look.
Oh, good morning, Don Rudder. I'm glad you've arrived. We're picking up a signal worth investigation.
It's a human life signal coming from Quadrant 4 in the vicinity of Nobus 9.
Interesting. An all probability an Australian entertainer. Has the master been informed?
Oh, not yet. Oh, good morning, master.
Yes, okay. Well, is it?
We're picking up a signal, master.
Oh, very well. Well, it's a human, but our computer records aren't recognizing him.
Are you sure it's a him?
Oh, with certainty. And by the looks of it, quite well endowed in the genital area.
Oh, yes, right, right, right.
Extremely well.
Yes, all right. Okay, okay. It's extraordinary.
All right, all right. I get the picture. So what do we do?
Well, I suggest we call in at the planet's tent and get a visiting clearance from the torbs.
Then we can have a close look at this curious fellow with the extremely large...
Yes, all right, all right. Just do it. Just do it. Set course for planet tent.
Are you going to bring his agony stick back?
Of course. But later.
Where did you send it?
To 1999.
Oh, and he looked away for a minute. That was there.
Yes, Suzy Moroney thrilled this nation midweek with a swim across the Florida Straits from, obviously, Cuba to the American mainland.
And the Prime Minister, I think, quite rightly, rated it right up there with the 45 runs that Mark Taylor scored against the Duke of Norfolk's Eleven at a rundle midweek, which I thought was a tremendous achievement.
Roy, how did you see it? That is the swim. And what sort of sporting events... what sort of sporting context could you put the swim in?
Actually, I agreed with the Prime Minister. I put it right up there with, say, Scotty Draper's win over Thomas Muster during the week.
Look, I think anyone could do that swim, to be frank. She did it quickly. You know, I admit that. I don't want to take anything away from the monumental achievement it was.
No.
But I think anyone could swan about inside that box, where you can just hold the boat every now and again when you get a little bit tired, have some coffee and a cure and a sausage ral with tomato sauce, a gherkin and a cheese dip or something like that.
I think anyone could do that and then swim on for a little while and maybe have a, you know, a sleep, just go, what do you like?
You know, the fact that Suzy powered on without a sleep for 25 hours, with full credit to her. But I didn't think it was all that great at all.
Well, now there's an American marathon swimmer who is a bit of a mystery man in the caper, Skip Storch, who's come out and said that the cage is so helpful, let's say, if you were climbing Everest here, equated with taking an elevator up there.
You know, there's that much grunt and poke in the cage, right?
Well, I think the cage is a lot different.
Look, when I was marathon swimming, it depends on your philosophy.
See, I started with just a flimsy thesis. My thesis was, and I did this in association with the University of Newcastle. My thesis was that the wellspring of life, the cradle of civilization was Tasmania.
So I decided to swim across the best straight to the mainland Australia. I didn't make it.
Then I thought I'd try going from Cape York Peninsula to New Guinea. I didn't make it. And then going, say, from New Guinea to the Salisbury's and island hopping all the way up, say, to China and then swimming through rivers up the Yangtze River, etc.
I thought that's the way it worked.
You know, look, all I had was a set of speedos and an idea. Simple fellow. But I thought, you know, if all those eons ago there had been, say, 40 or 50,000 people on Tasmania trying to get off by sheer weight of numbers, if they all took off, someone would be bound to get them arrived.
And did a population build up in Australia and off you push. Because I thought Des Renford had felt all those years ago that, you know, your pitch, your vandals, your midget golfs had gone from Europe to the United Kingdom by swimming all those years ago.
Is that one of Des's ideas?
That's what I thought. Des was trying to prove.
Oh, yes.
I don't know where I'm going with this.
No, well, keep going. I'm enjoying the journey.
But it was just a simple thought. What I'm trying to say is that I don't know what kiddies are doing these days. They just seem to be swimming it for no reason.
Look, I put it to you and let's face it, we've set up a marathon swimmer's website and we're getting about two and a half million hits a week on it about people wanting more information.
And I believe we have to standardise the code. We've got to standardise bathers. We've got to standardise sponsors. We've got to standardise distance. We've got to standardise title use.
There's a lot of work to be done, as you can see. And above all, we have to standardise the cage. And I want to propose here tonight that we adopt this model of the cage.
As you can see, it's got a lot of features, interesting features, and above all, everybody can make one at home.
You don't have to be a genius. You don't have to have a million bucks behind you. All you need is about five dollars and access to a BBC hardware shop.
You get a little bit of 2B1 up here to make your frame up. You get ordinary chicken wire, small mesh here to keep your hammerheads out here.
You get a bit of polystyrene out of, you know, packaging, the fridge might have come in it. Stick it on there for your plantation.
And up the back here, you've got a bit of a cave where you can keep your bananas, your dates, your copies of TV week, and a bit of a radio to keep up with the news in case you get, you know, out of touch.
It's all morning. It's all morning. There. Now, swim towel.
What you do is you get a bit of window sash here because it doesn't have much traction, and that toes it up to the boat.
And so here you go, in here, and you swim along like this behind the aluminium dinghy up here, your 80 foot aluminium dinghy.
And I can see thousands upon thousands of Australians with this model, with this Royal HG design cage, going marathon swimming.
I don't care what part you go in.
What's the scale here? Is the human the size of my hand, roughly?
I know if you get a bit quick and the boat does slow up, you bump it all the time.
I hate the boat.
I think the boat should be three or four kilometres away so it can't interfere with you.
And I think if you had some sort of strapping to the shoulder, you could push it.
Push the cage around.
It's off your head.
Off your head, yes.
You know, one of those plungers that you clear the dodge with, just stuck on the head.
Plumber's mate.
Push it.
Well, that's a swim.
Yeah, that is a swim.
That's a talking point.
Yes.
Kenny's the one that got into this.
Isn't he?
Or if you're worried about, I mean, I don't like any apparatus, really.
Between you and the sharks.
And the sharks.
I mean, if you're worried about scuba divers swimming with you with those guns.
Spear guns.
Just keep riding shotgun.
Well, I did this because I thought some people would like to do it by themselves.
Meaning, you know, let's face it, you might feel as though the Tasman is now there screaming out to be conquered.
Well, you could get, get, get...
Sydney Hobart.
Sydney Hobart, yeah.
Freddie in the boat towing this and you in there and off you go.
Yeah.
And you've got your supplies up the back here.
Yeah, you're right.
And a towel, in case you wanted to towel off halfway through the swim.
Or jump in again.
Yeah.
I like it.
I think it's a great idea.
You think it could work?
Well, I agree with you on standardized procedure.
Yes, that's why it's going all wrong.
Standardized procedure.
It's going all wrong.
It's just willy-nilly.
I know.
Anything can happen out there.
You can take anything, take anyone with you.
Incidentally, Roy, I don't want to put...
It'll be a 25-hour party like it was for Susie Marrone.
I don't want to put you on the spot, but what is the Skip Stort story?
Skip's done nothing.
That's what I thought.
And now in Club...
He's American.
He's American, yes.
He might have had a go at swimming the Mississippi...
He's trying to swim up bloody Mount Everest.
He's swimming Mount Everest, gee.
On the spring thaw.
There's just been a damp there and he was swimming up it.
And now in Club Bugger, it's a tremendous thrill to welcome back to the show a woman
who's wowed us with her kaboom-style work in the Bug House for years.
Tonight, she's supported by the brand-new Beatles.
And listen, Cedric, on the hoof, the Ford V8s are back.
The tune, the Jimmy Barnes plea for world peace and the banning of land mines, lay down
your guns.
Australia, can you push the plunger and explode with delight as we welcome back to the Bug
House with a force ten-gall behind her inociles, Ms. Jane Scarlett!
Let's go!