Ben strive
The Channel 9 show with Roy and HG is rated M for mature audiences and contains material
which may offend.
From the SGW9 studios per the Channel 9 show.
The current affairs, the Richard Calvin experience.
Special guests, Sarah O'Hare, Douglas Adams, Dave Gleeson and Danny and Louise.
And now our host of the show, HG Nelson and Rampaging Roy Slaver.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Look, thanks very much indeed Ian Terps, Terby. Thanks very much indeed the current affairs and thanks very, very much indeed the Richard Calvin experience.
Hi there consumers and welcome to the Channel 9 show on another tip-top Saturday night.
Tonight it's a Mother's Day special that is broiling under the grill here at the 9 HQ.
But before we suck it and sleep and jump into bed and pull the bunny rug over our bonts or fly the coop for a mother of a knees up till dawn.
Rampaging Roy Slaver, who or what has been sticking the bonts up out of the cheese dip down your end of the spread this week?
Thank you very, very much HG Nelson. Look, I've had a mate lob him from the States.
Yes.
And he's brought some Viagra tablets.
Look, I've got four here.
Yes.
What doses do you recommend?
Alright, let's have two each.
Oh, why not?
Bloody hell they, ah, anything happening?
They work, don't they?
You're not getting anything.
No, I've got nothing.
I'm in trouble, I'm going to have to sit down and sit.
Aren't they incredible?
If you want to make a dash.
Well, we'll make a dash soon. I'll, I'll, I'll struggle on for a little while.
Would you like something to lean on?
Oh no, something else I was going to, well, just, I'll just go with this.
Something else I was worried about was the, ah, the Olympic torch.
Nobody knows where, where, where.
Oh, now I'm getting it.
Oh, actually, darling.
Bloody hell, see what you mean.
Yeah.
Bloody hell, you do need to lean, don't you?
I don't know how long the effect lasts. I've heard upwards of an hour and a half.
I think so.
An hour and a half.
Sort of an Errol Flynn.
Bloody proportions.
The, um, yes, the, the Olympic torch.
I think every kiddy should be able to see and fiddle and take home the Olympic torch as it comes through Australia.
Gee, it is embarrassing this, Roy. I'm sorry to interrupt, but.
Are you in trouble?
I'm, I'm going to have to sit down.
Well, maybe we should bloody get on with it and sit down.
Yeah, okay. And now, and now we'll come back to that Olympic issue in a minute.
Yeah.
And now, customers, can you welcome to the Channel 9 show a woman who this week listed on Arrival Channel the top ten most tool-y people on the planet.
Niners, can you do it loudly and do it loodly as you welcome supermodel Sarah O'Hare.
Watch, look, look at her there, first to the top of our catwalk stair. Watch, look, look at her move, able to balance and stay in the glue.
Look, watch, look at her walk, bring this stuff in and watch her talk. Let's all stand, listen and stand, let Sarah, Sarah O'Hare.
Sarah, thank you.
Glamorous.
Yes, very glamorous indeed. Very, very glamorous.
Hotel time.
Now, you're the representative on the planet of the 100% Wonderbra.
That's it.
The Wonderbra, how good is it?
It works.
Yes. Look, I'd put it to you that it's nowhere near as good as anything that Hickory's done, anything that Burleigh's done over the last 40 or 50 years.
In fact, I'd put it to you that it's nowhere near as good as Elle Indimitt's.
I'd be careful there. But then you might say also it's not as good as Viagra.
No, but I'm wearing the Hickory Wonderbra.
Because I've heard that Viagra's not working.
Oh, well, it was a delayed start for me, so maybe it'll be a delayed start with the Wonderbra as well.
Listen, speaking of the Wonderbra, we've got some pictures of the launch.
Oh, yes.
The relatively recent launch here. Let's have a look at those now. They do make interesting viewing. Here it is. The gun goes off. You start to appear.
That's a launch.
That is a launch. And then of course the snappers are snapping away there. And then the fog sets in. It's sort of an outdoor launch.
And then the photographers go away disappointed.
The night did improve mercifully after that.
And you did get the message across about that it's in your estimation just behind Burleigh, Hickory and Elle Indimitt in its in its ability.
No, I think it's definitely ahead of all of those, I have to say.
Now you're in making up. Your hand never touches. Well, I assume in your life your hand never touches your face.
No. I'm lucky like that actually.
And yet I see other people touching your face.
Yeah, I'm lucky actually. I get to have a makeup artist do my makeup.
Is this a family secret?
This is not how I wake up in the morning.
No, no. Is this a family secret or a oh hair remedy?
Secret herbs and spices.
Yes, sort of style.
That sort of thing, yeah.
And why do you do it? Why do you have this discipline?
To have the hair and makeup done.
No, no, no. So as your hands don't touch your face.
Oh, so I don't touch my own face.
Yes.
No, I don't. I think that if I did touch my own face I'd probably have a scary result. I have no idea how to do makeup.
Oh, I see. You don't mean literally you never touch your face.
Not to do makeup.
You know, like you've got a gumpy or something like that.
Not a little green man.
No, a pimple or something like that.
What do you do to squeeze it? Do you get someone else to do it for you?
No, I don't get pimples.
Of course you bloody do.
No, I can't say pimples.
Of course you bloody do.
No, no, no.
I saw you out there earlier before the makeup people got to you. You're covered in bloody gumpies.
And you start to finish.
It's back Phil.
Yeah, there you touch your face.
No.
You did. You bloody did.
Bloody did.
Yeah.
Now, you played the Royal Pines golf course I think.
I did, yeah.
With Carrie Webb and I think you won.
And we won.
Yeah. Now I noticed you played barefooted. Now when I've been up there the rules are pretty clear on what you've got to wear on your feet as well as everywhere else. How did you?
I know, but you know it's funny because I've worn stilettos day in and day out and those golf shoes are the most painful thing I've ever worn.
Is that right?
Yes.
So I don't know the rules of golf either. I've never played golf before that.
Right.
It must have been pretty stiff bloody competition that day then. Who were you playing against? Dean Baker Finch? Who else?
They're top golfers.
Yes.
We played Ambrose. You know that means that you get to follow the pros balls. I didn't actually see where mine went. Actually most of the time it was still on the tee.
Right.
It wasn't very impressive at all. But you know the Royal Pines though. It's gorgeous and all the grass is so manicured and I was like oh you know. After New York I've never seen my feet for months.
Well I think it was just mangrove rubbish before they did it up.
It must have been up there.
Yeah the Royal Pines. Yeah. Now this supermodel business that you're now in. What's the difference between a supermodel and just a model?
I don't know to be serious. It's sort of a strange term and I think it's more kind of like an 80s term that was really about the sort of glossy image model.
And I think now what you're seeing probably what we think of as supermodels is going from just being a girl who's modelling and having a picture taken is going to a girl that's representing products and being a spokesperson and being up there and yeah much more of a personality behind the model.
Right.
Yeah I'll accept that.
During the week you fronted a program I think it might have been for the Cosmopolitan magazine concerning the 10 most obviously desirable people on the planet.
The top number one was a cop out I think in making the Australian swimming team the most desirable thing on the planet. I just think that was sort of easy so you didn't have to pin it on one person.
Number two was Leonardo DiCaprio. I put it to you that Leonardo's never had a half husky in his life. He would have to take Viagra tablets from now until tomorrow morning and then he would probably just want a long lie down.
He doesn't strike me as somebody who really anybody would really want to accept as well a relative really let alone.
I agree I think if anyone it should have been you.
Me?
Yeah.
Oh I find that disappointing.
It should have been number one.
No I was thinking about 15 actually. I thought Roy could get in the top 10.
Well nobody asked me about it.
Does it worry you that you know a lot of kiddies who you know might be interested in looking like you but it's a biological impossibility.
Does that concern you at all?
No.
You know obviously you wear the Wonder Brow and what have you so people can wear it and look like you. Well obviously it's often not the case.
I know and people always say to me you know okay they want to hear about my diet or they want to hear about my beauty regime and things like that and I just have to say that I am really really lucky that I'm tall enough to be able to be a model.
That worked against me when I wanted to do ballet when I wanted to be a dancer you know.
Yeah you're too tall.
Yeah so I had to quit.
But you could have played AFL.
I don't know with these skinny legs I don't know.
Yeah I know.
But yeah so I think that you know we can sort of advertise for people how to groom themselves and look better but yeah.
But it doesn't worry you that in a way you're sort of selling an illusion.
I think that anything like in the entertainment industry like film I mean when you see a beautiful film and someone makes you feel romantic or someone makes you feel happy it's that sort of fantasy it's that sort of image where you know you look at a girl running along the beach
and you're like you know that that just looks like the most peaceful moment or something and it's just sort of a way to make you feel I think rather than I want to look like that and if I can't that's it you know.
Right right so people if they're going to buy a Wonderbra then you know they're not expecting it all to look like you.
Then why are they paying you a lot of money to sell it.
No but Wonderbra's do work though.
What's the theory I mean it reminds me of the lovable cross your heart bra.
Is it the same philosophy.
No I don't know about the cross your heart I'm not sure about.
I think it's a kind of tagging she's wonderful she's acting oh boy is she attractive because she's lovable in her lovable bra lovable that would be lovable cross your heart.
Is the Wonderbra the same sort of philosophy.
It sort of lifts and separates.
No I think push together.
Oh push together.
No I think with Wonderbra I think it's really just about being glamorous like when you're putting on an evening dress and you want to be extra feeling glamorous then you know you put on a Wonderbra and you have that extra bit of help.
Yeah I think it's just sort of anything that we do like coloring our hair and being made up and putting on beautiful dress it's just part of that.
Just part of that.
Now you're here for Australian Fashion Week.
How does Australian Fashion compare you know in your international stakes.
I mean I was talking to Vivian Westwood last night the English designer.
She's very very disappointed with what's on display this year.
How are you seeing it.
I'm actually amazed I think Australian Fashion is incredible and I really I went to my fittings today this morning for the shows and I really noticed that because Australia is so multicultural and environmentally diverse and our culture is diverse and it really comes across in the fashion.
You know you're seeing Akira Isagawa who has a complete Japanese influence.
Er Il Ali Can who's sort of got a Turkish influence.
Zimmerman who's from Bondi.
Zimmerman yes.
So you know.
And Roy the House of Roy from which country.
Do you ever come across here you think oh I'm not going to wear this.
Yes.
This is just quite ordinary I wouldn't be seen dead in this right.
Peter Morrissey isn't he a post.
That's rubbish.
You know can barely shoot an old pair of jeans.
You might as well dive into a toilet.
How may I see Peter Morrissey's collection you will die.
It's rubbish.
Have you ever come across.
Well have you ever come across stuff that you have to die.
Definitely I can't you know everyone has different tastes.
And do you put your foot down so I'm not wearing this.
Not ever doing that job again.
Donna Caron's on the main books.
No I think you have to understand I'm kind of have to take fashion as a bit of an art.
And this person is creating what they see as an art and you go along with it.
And actually sometimes it's amazing stuff that you put on beautiful stuff.
When you arrive at the job is there a lot of direction from you know the helpers of the design house.
On how you're meant to look in these things so sometimes you can go for full on ponds.
Sometimes you can go for total haught.
Or is that left up to you.
I'm always amazed by this because what seems to happen is that in a parade.
The models tend to all look as though they're cut from roughly the same hunk of wood.
Not meaning that they wouldn't but they will come out a pair.
Fashion wise or how they might.
Same attitude.
Up yours or up your guts or peaceful or something like that.
Yeah I think.
Do you get that sort of direction.
Peter Morris might say look this has got to be really like.
In your face.
No definitely.
Attitude.
Street print.
No I think definitely with the.
Yeah definitely the designers got a whole image that they want.
Yeah.
You know this is their show.
This is their little piece of their image.
Yeah.
And they definitely tell you how they want you to look.
And when you're doing it.
When I was doing it I used to imagine I was.
Someone like I might think this Mark Woodford is this word.
So I might try to be Mark Woodford when I do it.
Do you think of people when you're.
Clicking into character kind of.
Yeah.
Do you do that.
No.
Could you show us the skill.
No I'm usually thinking about something else.
Yeah show us the skill.
Now let's imagine.
You've got to come down here let's say the last two steps.
And go across this way.
Then prop.
Come back.
I can.
Over to this point.
I mean is that possible.
Yeah.
Yeah do you want to take the steps.
Oh.
Okay.
Right up.
Then I've got to show you how the.
If I show you how the guys do it will you do it with me.
Sure.
Okay.
So I'll just show you first the guys go like this right.
Crinkled forward.
Right.
And that's cool.
We might have to lose this though I don't know.
Oh no I've got to keep the gear on.
I just sort of cruise to the end and then.
That's it look at that.
That's it.
I didn't realize how hard it was.
It's so bloody hard.
Hey now let me tell you something about this industry.
Yeah.
Yeah well.
It's not all.
It's not all beer and skittles.
It's not all.
This is the fun part definitely the fun part.
Yeah.
The fun part is that the industry is a business.
Ah.
And it's good.
And it's really good.
It's a it's an incredible business.
You mean it's the getting to the stairs to make the walk.
That's the trick.
No.
That's where it's vicious dog eat dog.
Night in your back.
That's exactly what you had to do tonight wasn't it.
Sort of walk from that make up room to here.
That's the hard bit.
Yeah that was the hard bit.
Yeah.
Oh.
Bloody hell it's a nightmare.
Have you had a horror shoot.
I think this is a question we ask all people in your position.
You know you're reading your trades in your popular weekly magazines in your fashion mags
about the horror shoot in Mauritius or the horror shoot that went horribly wrong in the
Seychelles when the tide came up before they could get the shots.
What in your opinion is a horror shoot and have you had many.
No I have to say that I've never had a bad experience with anything.
It's really been incredible.
Really.
It's so much fun.
It's so great.
It's an incredible job.
And this job is taking you on to the Letterman show.
I'm just wondering now that you've been with us for the best part of ten minutes could
you make some comparisons between Dave's handiwork and our handiwork.
OK well let me think.
Apart from that anything else.
Yeah.
Now you've been on the cable show haven't you.
Who would you like to talk to.
Well that's the thing.
Yeah.
Yeah Dave Letterman I think.
You'd get Dave on.
Anyone else?
And then maybe I'll swap positions with you.
Yes.
It's your hard time.
OK.
And would yours be the show that you're working on would it be a fashion based program or
more variety.
It's definitely more of a celebrity sort of chat show kind of thing.
But you see I'm sort of working on my career like I did with modelling going into TV and
going into film you know really building my image and which way I want to go so I'm not
even sure if that's exactly what I want to do if I want to go into film or so I'm just
sort of in the process.
Paralyzed by choice.
All out of the moment.
Well we wish you luck with all of that Sarah and as you know we do have commitments here
which prevent us from locking horns all night as it so often does in the fashion caper.
Australia can you drop them loudly as a way of thanking Sarah O'Hare.
We've been together since way back when.
It's gonna be a winner again.
B is not too late.
Still the one.
One
Oh, still the one
Oh
Charles willy an embarrassment Charles, let's talk about you
Friends of yours say that you are an embarrassment
Colleagues work colleagues say that you are embarrassing
David leckie at channel nine says that you are often an embarrassment to the network embarrassment is a word that you use very often
I'm Charles willy. I'm HG Nelson and I'm Royce Lenny all these stories and more tomorrow on 60 minutes
Yes, the arts in Australia are going through a golden period never never have more people wanted to go and spend a night at the ballet and August 1914 is a ballet at the top of my must-see list Royce you've had a shookey at this historical work what events from August of 1914 does it portray in dance?
It's a beautiful work HG it's a lot of soldiers yes men dressed as soldiers that is with the medals with the medals and weaponry it's by an X-Bone it's and they sort of dance out point work it's very hard to do point work on duckboards yes very hard they tiptoe out tiptoe out tiptoe out and then you get a simulated bang they fall down right and then people come on and you know carry them off
then another one another lot come on tiptoe out bang down they go then they get the first lot of snap around the back that's right that's right and then they come out again and this goes on for about four hours yes it's a very moving grueling grueling confronting work but very very telling I didn't realize so many people died in the first world war I didn't I didn't I didn't realize it was all about shooting and killing
have they got slouch hats yes well let's sort of get yeah well absolutely authentic you've obviously spent some time serving this country in foreign theaters of war how does it actually capture in this in this parade of flesh and the bangs and the typical the actual reality of war?
No. No, no, no. Look, you're very ready. In trench warfare, would you dance over the top?
You might put your head up, you know, come on mate. Over the top that way.
But rarely would you stand up proudly, hands up, with your gun up like this.
You wouldn't do it! I don't think you would. Certainly I went with a couple of diggers and they said it was nothing like that at all.
Banging hands are more like I did. You don't want to get shot.
Now look, the other thing that does worry me about it is that I do have a little bit of a barrier with the ballet as I largely see it as a form of expression where men in particular are poncing around in mauve coloured tights with the crwits tucked up in a big bulging...
Codpiece.
Codpiece. And I find that hard to mesh with the car keys, the big boots and the hat. And I also worry about the musical choice. I mean, you know, the first World War hits were things like, Pack Up Your Troubles in the Old Kit Bag, It's a Long Way...
Yeah, that's right, you're coming, you're going. It's a long way to Tipperary. It's a long way to Tipperary. Bang! Now, is it that sort of school?
That's how it is. And I suspect the tights and the codpiece are under the car key.
Right. Now, Roy, the other thing is that this will be performing at the Sydney Opera House and there has been some chat recently about doing away with the original design of those marvellous front steps coming down like that, which many people in the audience would be familiar with, many visitors to Sydney, consider it a landmark, the Opera House steps.
I think the Last Crowded House concert was incidentally performed there and I know I've been there many, many times to see bands like the Angels and so on.
Doing away with all of that and creating a new entrance there. What's the actual plan here and have you had a look at some of the designs and what do you think?
Yeah, yeah. Look, I don't like the designs all that much but then, I don't like the Opera House.
Don't you?
No, I'd start again.
Would you?
It was designed by Jørn Hudson.
Yeah, that bloke.
That bloke, he's Danish or something.
Yes.
Well, it'd be fine if it was in Denmark.
Yeah.
But it's not built for Australian conditions.
Conditions? No.
I don't know if it's all steps, I suppose the philosophy is that life is hard or life is mountainous.
I don't know if there are a lot of mountains there or not. I suspect there are.
Well, if that's the case, it's perfect for there because there's bloody steps everywhere.
Everywhere. It should be flat for Australia. There aren't mountains. Oh, sure, you're not just snowy.
But that's about it. When it comes to mountains, you're great dividing, Rainsborough. I wouldn't call that particularly mountainous.
Big? No.
Big? Look, I'd smash the bloody... there were no toilets there. There was only one or two toilets.
Anyway, you've got a queue of a couple hundred people bloody queuing up there. You go in there, you wouldn't, buddy.
I mean, you couldn't stay in there.
Look...
Because people forget where to go and all that because they're in a hurry.
Lost. You get lost.
Dying.
You go into the main concert theatre. You can't hear anything.
No.
The acoustics are terrible. It looks stupid. It's all curved and...
Oh, no. Knock the bloody lot down and build us a nice big Australian fibro box.
Right. Yeah?
I'm right with you, Roy.
And then we could put on ballets. Ballets that meant things like, I don't know, the building of the Snowy River Ski.
Yeah, in tights.
In tights. There's a...
In crew. It's a bimbo.
And songs.
Well, the battle's 500.
Right. Actually, it'll be a lot of... it'll be a sitting sort of ballet.
But noise. A lot of noise.
Jack. One might be a joke like Jack Murray. He'd be a bit more up like that.
In Old Blood. And in Brockie. There's ballet.
Yeah, that's true.
Look, can I get...
Sound effects.
Oh.
Look, can I ask you to set out to...
On the woodies.
Ah.
There's a ballet.
The failure of Mel Dura.
Yes.
That's right. The Davis Cup debacle against the Blackfam.
Yeah, with a racket one leg handed.
Tippy, tippy, tippy.
Bang.
Now, Roy, look, two ideas I want to put to you.
For people who know the area, there's a fabulous car park there.
The Opera House?
At the Opera House.
It's the only thing going for it.
I know. But wouldn't it be good if somehow you could get out of your car
and walk into the Opera House without going outside at all?
What's the opera from the car?
Now, that's exactly my point.
Why don't we have access straight into the main concert hall,
up those steps on a ramp, so you can park the cars and watch the path?
And when you...
The way the wind went there.
Put the speaker in, lighten the driving, and when he hits a bum note...
Oh!
And flush the headlights.
Yeah.
Wow. That's the Australian way, Roy.
That would be an Australian opera house.
That's right.
And then I bet you more people would go...
Of course they would!
You wouldn't have any trouble.
No! I wouldn't have to watch it put on.
And you'd be...
There's people in there in the car, buddy, enjoying it.
That's right. And kids would be sneaking in with it in the boot.
And you'd have hundreds of people wanting to get into it.
Or kids lying down in the back seat with a blanket over them.
Once you get in...
Yeah, we're OK.
Couple of little heads coming up here, seeing things.
Seeing the culture.
Being there, pal.
Where'd you go when I told you, buddy?
100 miles away, where you gonna go?
Then walk up the steps.
Then walk up bloody steps, woods and stones.
I've had it with that bloody place, and that junk.
Bommers!
Not the bloody thing I'd rather, it was just better than quite.
No.
Just out the outdoors.
Yes. Yes.
Gee, it's given me something to think about, though, that I didn't.
That you'd be able to watch Jane...
Jane Sutherland, if she came.
She'd come back and I'd show her there.
And there were cars in there with people in them honking.
When she hit a bum note, she'd love it.
And it'd just be all honks.
These days, she hasn't hit a bloody correct note since 1956.
Yes.
And she wouldn't mind me saying that.
And the bad...
I did hear her get hit.
She got a one note right once.
Well, it wasn't there. I read about it.
I think that was when somebody stepped on a car, though.
It wasn't actually during a car performance.
Yeah.
Well, I'm glad that we've sorted that out.
Well, it's simple.
You've just got to go with the simplest solution every time.
Yeah. Start again.
Start again?
Yeah.
We were going to spend some time talking about Alan Bond's artwork at this point.
Rory, maybe you could just quickly take us through Alan's.
Oh, that's very good.
Yeah.
It's very good.
Honestly, he's irises.
Are as good as Van Gogh.
Van Gogh.
Yeah.
The only difference, please.
That's the only difference.
And Peter Brock's doing a bit of art, too.
And I think he's working in Duke O.
He does a lovely piece of his I saw called Four Thousand Ribs.
Yeah, it's just sort of dom in Duke O.
Beautiful.
And how does Alan handle the life drawing when the jailer wills in the nude?
Does he go a bit...
Oh, no, I think he's OK with that.
Is he good?
Yeah, yeah, he's good with foreshortening.
If it's a guard on very Viagra, I think he's got trouble.
Yes.
Now, my very good friends, the Channel 9 show tonight is presenting a couple of Mother's Day melodies
as part of the big Mother's Day blow-off here this evening on the Channel 9 show.
Can you give a chocolates and breakfast in bed welcome to our very own current affairs
with the old Pretender's Chestnut, a Mother's Day plea if ever I heard one,
Don't Get Me Wrong.
Take it away, affairs.
Don't get me wrong If I'm looking kind of dazzled
I see neon lights Whenever you walk by
Don't get me wrong If you say hello when I take a ride
Upon a sea where the misty moon Is playing havoc with the times
Don't get me wrong Don't get me wrong
If I'm acting so distracted I'm thinking about the fireworks
That glow up when you smile Don't get me wrong
If I spit like that but back in I'm only after wonder
Across a moonlit night Once in a while
Two people meet Seem to meet for no reason
They just pass on the street Suddenly thunder
Showers everywhere Who can explain the thunder and rain
The song playing in the air
Don't get me wrong If I come and go like fashion
I might be great tomorrow But hopeless yesterday
Don't get me wrong If I fall in the mode of passion
It might be unbelievable But let's not stay so long
It might just be fantastic Don't get me wrong
Don't get me wrong Don't get me wrong
Satan's touch church of sin Get tongue wagging
Innovations
Hi and welcome to Innovations and I'm proud to say our guest again in the studio today is Professor Skeet Waterman from the John Hopkins University in New York.
Professor, great to see you again.
Thank you again, likewise, I'm sure.
You're going to blow my mind today.
I think I might be in.
All right.
Well, first of all, what is this object and what does it do?
Two very good questions.
And let me start by answering the first.
This is the Lombard double action colon stimulator.
Wow, that sounds fantastic.
And to answer your second question, what does it do?
It stimulates the colon in a way that keeps it supple, relaxed, and most importantly, clean.
So a clean colon is important.
Oh, excellent observation.
Yes, it is.
As we get older, our bodies become less interested in cleaning the colon and we have to give our bodies a little help.
So are there any side effects?
Ian, you amaze me.
Well, yes, there is.
Look at this.
With a stimulated colon, one is inclined to think a little more about sex.
Great.
Well, that's great.
So would a product like El Julio's bum grease be of any assistance whatsoever?
Yes, indeed, Lord.
You see, a lubricated passage is always going to be far more pleasant.
Right.
Well, I think I might get one myself.
And at the price we're showing on the screen, anyone can afford one.
Oh, that's very nice of you to say so.
Okay.
The Lombard colon stimulator is available by calling the number on the screen right now.
And don't forget, it's backed by our famous 30-day trial and test guarantee.
If you're not completely satisfied, you're money back.
Well, Professor, I don't know how you do it.
Neither do I.
And I'll be back again next week with more innovations.
Thank you.
Yes.
Thank you.
You just need to lift and separate.
Ah, good.
Yes, yes.
You've got the Wonder ball bag.
Underpants.
They're excellent.
Yes.
I don't think they've reached here yet, but I think they're on their way down.
Now, look, go the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
You know, were you surprised at its success initially?
Well, I wasn't insane, so yes.
Yes, yes.
So you could actually count the numbers that was being sold.
And the other thing is, you said now you've written five volumes of a trilogy.
Well, Max was never my good point.
Yes, yes, no.
And what, is there any more parts do you think of the trilogy?
There probably will be another one one day at some point in the future,
but I'm not saying anything more than that because, I mean,
I mean, people have sort of said to me, you know,
because in the last book I killed off all the characters and they say,
are they really dead?
And I say, well, you know, this is fiction.
It's science fiction and it's comedy science fiction.
What do you mean by really?
Well, we were thinking of, before we were just tossing around the idea of a prequel
to right before the removal of the Earth.
Yes, well, actually, I have to say that destroying the Earth
in the first chapter was rash.
You know, it always occurred to me, I mean, one of the sort of the thinking behind it
was you see so many sort of, you know, hokey movies or whatever,
where the big thing is, are we going to save the Earth from destruction?
Of course, they always do.
So I thought, well, let's just get it out of the way.
And then once you've done that, you could see why they actually always save it,
because it's an enormous nuisance not having it thereafter.
I mean, it wasn't even going to be science fiction, I mean,
but then once you got rid of the Earth, I mean, you're either going to...
You know, you either have a lot of light music, you know.
That's right.
Was it disappointing when it got to television?
Did it disappoint you?
Yeah, you know, it's funny because people say...
People say that, you know, television kind of destroys the pictures and isn't...
That's right, it's true.
But you...
Not in the heart of here, of course.
No, no, no, of course.
No, I mean, it's...
Because it was a budget problem.
Yes, well, the BBC, unfortunately, kind of has a habit of the way they make science fiction,
which has started with Doctor Who and hasn't really sort of moved on.
So they regarded it as a point of honor that the sets have to sort of wobble and all that kind of stuff.
But you've sold it recently to Disney, I think, or some section of it.
That's right, yeah, yeah, yeah, Disney.
Well, I always have to say when people...
Because people say, Disney, you know, Hitchhiker.
I say, well, yes, but of course, Disney not only made Bambi, they also made Pulp Fiction.
And the Hitchhiker movie will be somewhere on a kind of line between those two.
I'm not going to say which is going to be closer.
And will it be the original one that was made for television that's now made into film or some other...
Well, it's funny.
Over the years, I've been rewriting it over and over again.
And it's moved all around the place.
And I'm actually going to bring it back home.
Actually, it'll make it very like the original now for this.
Do the Americans have any conditions?
Do they have trouble sensibility-wise getting it?
I mean, Americans have a touristy...
Well, I have to say, I mean, this is a story I would be...
I'd be loathe to tell on American television because I wouldn't want to offend people, not very much.
But I'll tell it here.
When I first sold the rights to Ivan Reitman in the...
This was back in 1983.
And it turned out, actually, after a while, he hadn't actually read the book.
I mean, he'd immediately read the sales figures.
And I mean, the book is 156 pages long.
And these are busy guys in Hollywood.
And there are a lot of words on each page.
That's right. Yes, yes.
And so anyway, so I wrote the first draft of the screenplay.
And I showed it to him.
And he sort of read it for a while and sort of then called me to his office and said,
Well, I've read it.
And there's some quite a lot of things here I like.
But some other things I think we really need to talk about.
He said, like, for instance, you say we're going to find this thing you call the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything.
And that's great. That's terrific.
A lot of people want to know that kind of stuff, particularly here in California.
But then what do you do?
You build it up a bit.
We don't find out quite yet.
And that's good. That's OK.
You know, build up a bit of tension.
Then then what do you do?
You just say, well, it's 42.
Well, I think the audience is going to feel really jerked off by that.
And that was the moment I knew the game was out.
So come back when you got a better answer.
Exactly. Exactly.
Yeah. Yeah.
All right.
Now, you're saying that or reading that you felt that there's a separation of education at an early age, which is unfortunate.
Arts and sciences are separate.
You've got to choose a path.
Yes, we are lifted and separated at a very early age.
Yeah.
And this is particularly in England, you know, from the age of about sort of 15 or whatever.
You're told you're either going to be an artist or you're going to be a scientist.
And you make up your mind now.
And thereafter, you are taught to despise each other.
Yeah.
And so what happens in England is, but particularly by the time you sort of get beyond sort of university and so on, the and we really despise each other at university.
I mean, as far as the as far as the art students are concerned, you know, the sort of science students are sort of wandering around every now and they sort of poke their heads out of their holes and try to grow beards and things.
And the scientists regard the art students as a lot of lazy layabouts.
And I have to say, having been an art student, they are right.
But and then you see once you get on the outside world, you know, all of your opinion formers, your writers, your broadcasters, your journalists all come from the outside.
So if you're a scientist, you're really expected to come in the tradesman's entrance and people really don't know what you're up to and don't want to know what you're up to.
And it's a kind of it's a bad thing.
Yeah. Yeah. But there's an obvious interest you have in science.
Obviously. Yes. Well, I think you said it's Richard Feynman.
That's right. Yes.
He was a cosmologist and a great drum player and a drummer as well.
Well, I don't know if he's good or not, but he certainly had a shot at it.
Well, it's funny.
I think he had a speed up problem, which is a speeding up problem.
Yes. Well, oddly enough, I mean, I've discovered that's actually one of the trickiest things about playing.
Now, I mean, this sounds like a sort of strange segue into sort of blowing my own words.
Because you do enjoy music. You've played with Pink Floyd. I did play with Pink Floyd.
I did play with Pink Floyd. The very, very, very easy bit that every sort of 12 year old guitarist can play in the brain damage and eclipse.
And this is on stage. Actually going out in front of that many people, you can see why these guys do it.
Yes. Did you get sweaty palms?
But the interesting thing is I had a very, very easy bit to play, but the difficult bit and Richard Feynman would have found this too.
I mean, he's OK at sort of quantum chromodynamics and so on. But playing slowly is very, very, very hard.
And I mean, the great strength of Pink Floyd was they played glacially slowly. And that's the whole effect. It's just brilliant.
Did you speed up? Did you come in early?
Yes. The bass player, Guy Pratt, was sort of standing there sort of going like that to me.
Yeah. Because you were listening. You were just focusing on what you were doing.
Yeah, exactly. Yes. And I'm feeling slightly nervous. And the odd thing is, I mean, having been out in the front,
huge, huge walls of sound and light up on stage is really quite quiet. You can sit and have a cup of tea.
I mean, there's not much going on. I mean, all the sound goes that way.
Now, you're here with a video game, Starship Titanic. We've got a little clip of this lifted off the game.
Let's have a look at it now. Here you are introducing it.
My name is Pinto. I am the door-bot serving on this.
Oh, these are tremendous special effects, aren't they? Very convincing. Very convincing.
How do you think the ship is?
The idea of the game, as nearly as I can tell, is to explore the ship.
Yes, but what happened? It's not a shooting them up score game. It's a...
No, it's definitely not. We decided to go for the non-psychopath sector of the market.
Do you get to kill anyone? Do you? No, no. In fact, I mean, a number of...
because we deliberately said you will not get to kill anybody in this, you know, and go for the non-psychopath part of the market.
But I have had one or two people come up to me and say, Douglas, I'm a psychopath and psychopaths are people too.
So what have you got for me in this game? To which I say, well, actually, you do get to do something fiendishly horrible to a flock of starlings.
Well, can you torch them with drills and stuff like that? Can you really give them some hammer?
You have to puree a flock of starlings. It's very sad. It's very sad.
And how do you win? By getting the ship going or bringing it back home?
You win by just having as much fun as you possibly can, really. I mean, there's nothing actually sort of keeping a score there.
And you can wear glasses and have it in 3D?
There's one little bit right at the end that you can wear glasses for if you really want to look very silly.
But the great thing about this game, the thing that made me want to do it was having seen beautiful graphics games
where you wander around, it's kind of like a stage set where you're waiting for a play to happen, but it doesn't happen.
I thought, we want to be able to converse with the characters. So I sat down and with two other co-writers, because it was a huge, huge job,
created 10,000 lines of dialogue and there's this incredibly sophisticated conversation engine at the heart of the game,
which means that you can sort of sit down, you can talk to all of these characters.
And we got the actors in to play them. Actually, one of the actors has got a great old friend of mine, Terry Jones of Monty Python.
And we got him to play the part of the semi-deranged parrot, which is, of course, as everybody will realize, is the part he was born to play.
And he does it fantastically. He did explain to me that every other part he'd ever had up till then, he played as a parrot.
I mean, you remember, Mandy, mother of Brian.
He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy.
I mean, that's clearly a parrot.
So this is the part, we actually, on this game, we've outed him as a parrot. And he was in the 7th Heaven.
Well, it might take him several hours to get there.
Absolutely, yes. I mean, as I say, it's something like 16 hours of dialogue if you just sort of play it, bam, straight through.
So the game might take a week to...
Yeah, yeah.
24 hours a day, it might take...
Yeah, yeah.
But if you stop and talk to characters, I mean, some people will be just sort of whisking through it,
it's rather like sort of getting a helicopter to the top of Everest and saying, you've done it.
Now, you've got an enormous collection of left-handed guitars, I understand.
Yes.
Now, obviously, you play the guitar and you are left-handed, but how did the idea come to collect them?
What have you got?
What's the big one?
Yeah, and what would you like to get? Just take us through it.
Oh, well, I mean, the reason, you see, growing up a left-handed guitar player, you're really very disadvantaged
because you can never find a left-handed guitar anywhere.
And so, you know, you just get one string at the other way around.
But everybody else's guitar, you know, you can't play.
So I only had an acoustic guitar, a dreadful old acoustic guitar.
So I learned to play acoustic guitar, I learned by listening to old Paul Simon records and that kind of thing.
And so it was really sort of quite late in life.
I suddenly thought, hang on, if I want to play some other guitars, I can buy some.
And you know what happens when you get that kind of bug?
It turned out there are two stores in the world that specialize in left-handed guitars,
and one's in Hollywood and the other is in Leytonstone in East London.
And for a brief time, I was kind of best customer at each.
And you know, it gets terrifying when you realize how many shops you are best customer at.
Yes.
So how many have you got? Just roughly?
Well, I...
Two hundred? Three?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Five, six?
No, no, no, no, about a couple of dozen. It was up to about 30 at one point.
But you see, I was once in a store somewhere, I came across somebody else who was...
I mean, it was a regular guitar store and only had one left-handed guitar.
And there were only two customers in the shop and we were both looking at it,
which is rather sad because we were both left-handed.
And we confided to each other, we both had the same problem, that we did collect them.
And there was a question of how do you get them past your wife?
You know, because she's... she says, I don't think I've seen that one before.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you just... it's just been off for a pair.
You know, and I'm just bringing it back.
No, you hadn't noticed that. That was...
You can't explain it. This one's got a pep in taste.
Now, have you got anything that Hendricks might have touched?
No, no, I'm afraid not.
I know he didn't play... he played left-handedly, but he's turned the bugger upside down.
Well, he was extraordinary. I mean, there are all sorts of different kinds of left-handedness.
I mean, like Paul McCartney, who is, I guess, the sort of most famous left-handed guitar player.
I mean, he started out trying to play right-handed and just thought,
well, I can't play the guitar until somebody said, try it that way around.
But then there's Mark Knopfler of Dyrostrates who just learned to play right-handed.
And some people can do it...
John McAraw, of course, great left-handed guitarist.
Who?
John McAraw.
The test player.
Oh, yes, indeed. Ah, yes. Yes.
He's... well, he's certainly left-handed.
Yes.
Are there any, like, you know, sort of Liz Pools with a flame top with a...
Well, you know, there's one... I mean, there is a guitar...
I mean, I talked about this on the radio once in England.
I said... it was Desert Island Discs, and I was asked what luxury I would like.
And I said I would like... and I didn't even know if one existed.
But a pre-war Martin D-28... no, D-45.
That's the one with all the sort of mother of pearls.
A very loud guitar.
And... well, it depends. Yes, ish. Ish.
Loud, yes.
Well, big bodies.
Yes.
And...
When was that?
D-45.
Did you get it? Did you get it?
No, no, no, I mentioned on the right... this is the thing.
A factory-made left-handed D-45 pre-war.
And I did get a message from somebody saying, yes, one does exist.
And you can have it for a quarter of a million dollars.
So I was not going to try and sneak that one past my wife.
No, I understand.
Look, Douglas, we could rabid on all night about axes,
but we do have commitments here at the Channel 9 show.
Good luck with the Starship, Titanic and future projects.
Australia, can you give the galaxy a second chance as a way of thanking Douglas Adams?
CHEERING
MUSIC
Our time and space are swallowed in each stride
And where weird ideas collide Douglas Adams
Douglas Adams
APPLAUSE
This week in Bluebeige magazine, Laurie Oakes says yes to the skills of LA's Fabio Giovanni
and the results are spectacular.
Laurie as my Bailey, Laurie as Larry Ender, Laurie as David Kemp.
Bluebeige, the ins and outs of who's up and what's on.
MUSIC
Hello, it's City here. What do I do?
I'm on the steering committee for City Olympic Motors, directing you to a gold medal car now.
How do I win, you ask?
You come to me, City, twist my rings on, watch the explosion.
BANG
See, that's how simple it is to win a gold medal the way on the hill at City Olympic Motors.
MUSIC
Yes! Yes!
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Oh, watch the bar. That's right.
Your bar. Your bar on the end of my line.
Come on, bar boy. I'll bar my end if you bar yours.
Call 009966229.
BANG
This old car's just about had the dick.
No problem. Our house has the budget solution.
Embarrassing, isn't it?
Renovating your old mattress and a homemade swing.
The perfect thing for the kids.
Our house has the best of all the money.
And now it's time for Come On In Rave.
There's only one game to play at the business end of the day.
It's time for Come On In Rave. Yes, Come On In Rave.
Yes, once again it's time to play Come On In Rave,
a game where you can win fabulous prizes simply by wondering which door Rave is behind.
Is he behind door A, door A, or door Y?
And remember, Come On In Rave, each and every week, proudly presented by City Olympic Motors. Roy.
Yes, we have Grace joining us tonight.
Come on in, Grace.
Thanks, nice, lovely to meet you.
Thanks very much.
And I believe, Grace, you're Mother of the Year.
Yes, with Bonatos.
Congratulations. Sorry, with?
With Bonatos.
And Women's Day.
And Women's Day. Well, congratulations.
Was there a competition? Was it, you know, make 100 beds before 10am and then fry some fish, catch some fish, fry some fish, feed 20 starving kids?
Is that the sort of comp you had to go through to become Mother of the Year?
Yeah.
And how much did you get ahead of the field? When did you know you had it in the bag?
Was it after catching the fish, when you got to the fry, they were miles behind the other contestants?
Yeah.
I saw a moment of hesitation.
No, that's fantastic. You know, you've pitched them.
You made every mother in Australia look ordinary.
Yeah, do you like?
That's wonderful. Well done.
You'll have to choose a door here that you think Ray might be behind.
These are the knobs here. There's Y there, A there and R there.
Just open the door and find Ray. Are you ready?
Can we have the knock please?
And to the door, where's Ray?
Can I get three choices or one?
One choice.
Yes, one choice.
Open up a door.
Well.
Keep going.
Well done.
Who's behind door Ray?
Charles, Willie and Dora.
And Dora?
Kerri-Ann, Kenley. Well done.
You get a shot at the...
Kenny Sutcliffe of chocolates.
Kenny Sutcliffe of chocolates. Here we go.
First up, we get the apron out so you don't get any chalky or soups over yourself.
Stick that on.
This adds to your other prizes already won earlier today with the fish fry.
There we go. Now, you're going to have nine seconds.
Nine whole seconds.
To get as many chocolates and soaps and things into there as you can.
Are you ready?
Right.
OK, one, two, three.
Well done.
Yes.
I think Grace might have seen this show before somehow.
Yes, well done, Grace.
I just get the feeling that this person may have seen what we've done before.
I know you guys shouldn't miss out on anything.
Look at that.
What do you want us to do to keep the lollies off the kids?
I can see why you're one mother of the year.
Now, smuggle them into the house and don't let anybody else see them.
Stick them under the bed where only you are able to get them.
And of course, you have the Come On In Ray game.
You can have all the fun of playing Come On In Ray at home.
And the phone at home.
There we go. We'll put that there.
Grace, thank you very much and congratulations and thanks for playing Come On In Ray.
Yes, that sadly brings us to the end of the Channel 9 show for another week.
But before we go, we've done something special tonight because of Mother's Day tomorrow.
We've got the switchboard open. We've teared up some couriers.
And have a look at what your mum could be waking up to tomorrow morning.
It's a marvelous photograph, HG, of 10s talented two.
That is Sandra Sully there moving across to Tim Webster.
Look at the detail on that.
That is a beautiful shot.
10s talented two.
$49.95 unframed.
Of course, $499 framed.
And those delivered by the mark.
Yes, and there's just a couple of George Neguses left if any mum does feel as though they're...
There's a Mother's Day special HG.
We can have a look at the price.
I think it was $2 for 8 unframed.
Well, $2 framed.
Let's say 20 of them for $2 framed.
They really do look good.
They do. And I've cut mine into a jigsaw for mum tomorrow.
How many pieces?
I've done it at 4,000 pieces actually.
Just over 4,000. I lost count at the 4,000 mark.
Because we haven't pointed out the dimension of these photographs.
They are roughly 4 metres by 12.
My smallest piece in my jigsaw is that big.
4,000 pieces.
Now, what are you doing in the coming 7?
Well, I'm going to a wallpaper mum's room with George.
Just to cut George out and make it a sort of pastiche.
Well, look, on Monday night in Sydney this is.
On Monday night I'm going to the Sydney town hall to hear Douglas Adams talk.
He's a man full of tales as you can see.
And I think we'll be there for a few hours.
At least 16 from my guesstimate.
I'm not quite sure what time it kicks off.
But your local papers will have the details.
Well, I might bring mum down to that as well.
That's part of the Sydney Writers Festival.
And now the Channel 9 show completes its annual Mother's Day tribute.
With a tune about a youngster who had a mum.
And we've assembled a super group to present this for you.
Tonight the performance will be backed by Ian Terpsterpy and the Channel 9 All Stars.
And you'll stay back and experience the golden throat of Mr. Dave Gleason with a creed and smash.
See you next week, my lads.
Some folks are born made to wave the flag Oh, the red, white and blue
But when the band plays hail to the chief Lord, before that get around at you, yeah
Tell me, it ain't me, it ain't me, I ain't no saint to the sun Tell me, it ain't me, it ain't me, I ain't the fortune in one
Some folks born with a silver spoon in hand And Lord, it don't they help themselves
But when the taxman comes to the door Lord, the house is looking like a Roman saint, oh yeah
Tell me, it ain't me, it ain't me, I ain't no millionaire son Tell me, it ain't me, I ain't the fortune in one, no, no, no
Some folks inherit the star-spangled eyes And they don't ascend you up to war
And when you ask them how much should I give Oh, they answer more, more, more
Tell me, it ain't me, it ain't me, I ain't no millionaire son Tell me, it ain't me, I ain't the fortune in one, no, no, no
Tell me, it ain't me, I ain't the fortune in one, no, no, no
Applause