I think the ground just shook, and everywhere you look, all you see is babes.
Guys, we've got company tonight. I got the shape up with Susie tape.
Oh, we're painting our toenails. So they'll dry faster. Come on, we promised each other we were going to start a sensible exercise program.
Yeah, and I promised to be a virgin on my wedding night.
I don't know, Charlene. I had a Jane Fonda tape for a year, and it didn't do any good.
That was clute. Now come on, let's get the lead out.
Hi, all. I'm Susie. Do you want to look like me?
Sure you do. Just follow my lead, and with a little bit of hard work, you can have a body just like mine.
I got two bodies just like hers.
Okay, let's start with a few simple stretches. Arms overhead, and reach, and reach, and stretch, and stretch.
That's it. Warming up now, and it's time to touch those toes.
Can you feel it? Get limber. Get firm. Get energized.
Get lost.
What do you think you're doing?
I'm trying to find something we can do without receiving last rights.
Give me that.
Hey, this isn't so hard. We look pretty good.
Who are you kidding? We look like Fellini's solid gold.
Come on, girls. Keep it going. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.
How are you doing out there?
Fine. I don't bother. I'm both your grades.
Just hold me tight. And lift and squeeze.
Lift and squeeze. Lift and squeeze.
I heard lift and squeeze, and I rushed right in.
Calm down, Ronnie.
I'm really annoyed with my sisters. I bought this exercise tape so we could all get in shape, but no, they'd rather look like the Michelin girls.
Charlene, what are you so worried about? I love the way you look.
Really, Ronnie?
You think I take polaroids of just anyone?
You are so sweet.
Hey, the three of you want to work out, just join a health club. You pay that much money, you are gonna go.
You really think so?
Hey, it keeps me in therapy.
You are the best.
Hey, where am I going?
Want to be around when I tell Charlene she's joining a health club?
Uh, not without a cup. Bye-bye.
Bye. Get out of here.
Okay, you can come out now, girls.
Good.
It was silly of me to think that all it would take is some video to get us into shape.
Yes, it was.
That is why we are joining a health club.
Charlene, I can't join a gym. I am the hefty hose girl. If I drop 50, 60 pounds, I'll just be another beautiful model.
Honey, the only way you'll lose 50 or 60 pounds is if you crash land with a Chilean soccer team.
I'm not going.
If we go work out in a health club, people will stare at us.
She's got a point, Charlene.
Do you guys remember what Mom told us?
Stay away from your Uncle Lou.
No, if we stick together, nothing can hurt us.
Look, when you left Wilbur and you lost your job, I took you both in here.
And I have never, ever asked for anything up until now.
Please.
Boy, she must really want us to go. She hasn't made us feel this guilty since we found those Polaroid.
All right, Charlene, we'll try it once. But I say if people want to see large mammals jumping around, let them go to Sea World.
So what did I tell you girls? Isn't this place great?
Oh, wow. This is like Boyz R Us.
God bless steroids.
What are you going to try first, Charlene?
How about the swivel chairs at the juice bar?
Believe me, you guys are going to thank me for this.
Hi.
Oh, you're lost, aren't you? Nutrisystem's on the third floor.
Thank you, Charlene.
No, we are in the right place. We are here for your complimentary workout.
My mistake. This is Vince. He's going to show you around the club and he'll be your personal trainer for the day.
Hello, ladies.
Well, just follow me and I'll introduce you to the joys of physical fitness.
What did I tell you? US Friday choice.
Okay, ladies, we'll go step by step through our program.
Step one, who are you?
Let's go to step two, Vince.
Okay. Step two, we take your measurements.
Step three, Vince.
All right, then. Step three, we begin our workout.
Now, here we have several choices. Who would like to try a vigorous aerobics class?
Shucks, you beat us to it, Marlene.
Terrific. Now, go right up those stairs, Angel.
He called me Angel.
Okay, I'm next and I say we hit the treadmill.
Terrific. You know, it's a great way to get your heart rate up.
Oh, well, if you really want my heart rate up, why don't you just flex something?
I didn't spend three years working on my masters in advanced kinesiology just to be leered at.
I'm sorry.
So, what sounds good to you?
Let's get something straight, Vince. I don't run, I don't jump, and I walk only when I hear smoke alarms.
Then passive exercising is for you. You don't do a thing.
Electrodes do all the work. In half an hour, you can burn over 200 calories.
200 calories? I haven't burned that many calories since I tried to get out of an Alfa Romeo.
Charlene was right. I haven't felt this alive since the radio fell in the bathtub.
This is even better than I ever imagined. And some guy in my aerobics class even let me pump up his Reeboks.
You kids set the date yet?
Get a load of those two.
I know. One was in my aerobics class. I told her to take it easy. I thought she was in her seventh month.
After being multiplying, I saw another one hanging upside down in a pair of gravity boots. Looked like something you'd see in a meat locker.
Did you see her drooling over her trainer?
How desperate would a guy have to be to go out with her? Honey, if I looked like that, I wouldn't even go out in public.
Ta-da! How do I look?
Like She-Ra, Princess of Power.
Charlene, I can't believe you're not dressed yet. Let's get a move on.
Get your sports bra and load up.
What are these?
Ronnie called. Four times.
Oh, thanks.
What's with you and Ronnie?
Nothing. You never heard of playing hard to get?
Not from a girl who wears a bustier to church. Now come on, let's go.
I know something at the gym yesterday. I think I pulled a hamstring.
That's interesting, Charlene, because your hamstring is what you sit on.
What are you, the muscle police? It hurts.
Would you stop complaining and let's go?
And don't forget to bring a sweatshirt, Charlene. That place is as cold as a meat locker.
That does it. I'm not going.
What am I saying?
You cannot browbeat me into going to the gym if I don't want to go.
That's how you got us to go.
Well, I can't help it if you two are a couple of spineless jellyfish.
Yeah, what about what Mom always told us? Nothing can happen to us as long as the three of us stick together.
Yeah, she also told us our old poodle went to live on a farm.
I don't get you, Charlene. You just shelled out $600 to join the club.
Oh, it's no big deal.
Yeah, because you borrowed it from me.
Fine. I'll sell the stereo and pay you back.
The stereo is mine. Would you like me to sell my kidney or is that yours, too?
No, I don't want your kidney. I don't even want to be around you. We're out of here.
You know what really burns me is that you waited all this time to tell me about poor Snowy.
Hi, Charlene. Remember me, the guy whose phone calls you won't return?
Sorry. As you can see, I've been very busy.
Oh, yeah. If you were any busier, you wouldn't even have a pulse.
Well, just because you're in a bad mood, don't take it out on me.
You're right. You're right. Hey, why don't we take this over again?
Okay. Hi, Charlene. Is that a new nightgown you're wearing?
Is sex all you ever think about?
A lot of the time, especially when I'm awake.
Ronnie, tell me something. What do you like about me?
Well, for one thing, usually you don't say no.
In other words, you don't respect me as a person.
No, no. That's a joke, son. I say a joke.
Don't be cute. If you saw me walking down the street, what would you think?
Okay, okay. If I saw you walking down the street, I would fall in love with you.
Unless I already had you, in which case I wouldn't be interested because I already have you.
Is this making any sense to you? No.
No good. Me neither. Look, Charlene, I don't know what's going on here,
but ever since we first met, I have been crazy about you.
I mean, I can talk with you. We understand each other.
You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.
In other words, you want to see other people.
When did I ever say that?
If it's going to go on like this, maybe we should just call it quits.
You want to break up? No, no. Tell you what, why don't we talk this over later
when sometime hopefully you return to your body.
Oh, fine. Make fun of my body again.
Maybe this would be a good time for me to go down to the basement and check for pods.
Are you all right, dear?
I'm fine. This, this movie always gets to me.
I never thought that Ernest goes with Ryan. Is it you, Jerker?
I'm sorry. I like boys.
No, no, no, no, no. It's just that you look so sad.
You sure there isn't something I can do to help you?
Oh, no thanks. I can't talk about it.
Just like Marlee Matlin in Children of a Lesser God.
Well, it's just that I'm not used to telling my problems to strangers.
But I've been feeling kind of bad lately, see.
I usually feel pretty good about myself. I mean, nothing much gets me down.
Then I overheard some people making fun of me.
Just like in Dumbo.
I failed to see the parallel.
Anyway, these people really hurt my feelings and I took it out on my boyfriend.
So did Sissy Spacek in Carrie.
You see a lot of movies, don't you?
Just like Mia Farrow in The Purple Rose of Cairo.
You know, I've always thought of myself as a fighter, but this time I just got hit below the belt.
You know, like Sylvester Stallone in Rocky III.
Oh, you know, I felt just like that when my husband died.
Then one afternoon, just to get away from it all, I went to the movies.
Now I go every day.
Because on the screen, everything is perfect.
The men are always handsome and the women are so beautiful.
Except for Molly Ringwald.
And in the movies, there's always a happy ending, isn't there?
So, what are you going to see tomorrow? Maybe I'll join you.
Oh, no, honey.
Not that I wouldn't like to have your company, but you don't belong here.
No, you're young, you're pretty, you don't give up.
Your life is still in the first reel.
Now go home. Just like Lassie.
Thanks. You've been a big help.
I'm sorry, I didn't even get your name. I'm Charlene. Charlene Gilbert.
Hello, Charlene. I'm Joan. Joan Crawford.
And don't worry, Ronnie, Charlene will show up.
Yeah, good idea. Okay, bye.
What'd he say? He's going to check every falafel stand on the east side.
God, if we were more sensitive, we would have known something was wrong.
Who's more sensitive than me? I'm Phil Donahue in a dress.
Where have you been?
I went to the movies and I stopped for a falafel.
Is something wrong with that?
No, what's wrong as you're breaking up with Ronnie and disappearing without a trace?
Just like John Shea in Missing.
Let me talk to her.
Charlene, look, we're more than just sisters, we're friends.
And if something's bothering you, I want you to know that you can turn to me for a sympathetic ear.
Drop dead.
I am loose.
Charlene, what's your freaking problem at the moment, you?
There's only one way to get anything out of her.
No, you're lying, I'm not doing it. Oh, please, I hate to...
Oh, come on, come on.
No, please, no.
Don't do it.
Okay, all right, I'll tell you.
God.
Remember in the locker room at the gym yesterday?
It was just like back in fourth grade when Jeremiah Bosgang called me fatty, fatty, two by four, can't get through the kitchen door.
Jeremiah Bosgang was in the ladies' locker room?
No, Marlene.
There was this skinny brunette and I overheard her saying if she looked like me she wouldn't be caught dead in public.
It was so humiliating.
You mean between Jeremiah Bosgang and last Saturday no one ever took a cheap shot of you?
No.
I'm sure somebody did.
You never noticed because you were so busy being popular, being captain of the pep squad, stealing other girls' boyfriends, and where was I?
Home, babysitting her.
Look, Charlene, I've always looked up to you.
I mean, you always had all the confidence in the family and the best nose.
You probably never even heard any of that stuff because you were too busy living.
Well, when you do hear it, it really hurts.
Well, duh.
And you're going to let one anorexic bimbo turn you into a bitter recluse like me?
If you heard what she said about me.
We probably have. Let's hear it.
Okay. She said that when I was wearing those gravity boots I looked like something hanging in a meat locker.
Aww.
Right in that parade!
How about we ask Stanley to walk into the men's steam room?
Again?
Way to go, Charlene.
The best thing to do if you fall off the extra cycle is to get right back on.
Honey, you are such a wonderful boyfriend.
If I ever treat you that badly again, it'll only be because you deserve it.
As long as we understand each other.
What is this, a freaking love-in? Let's pump some iron. All right, all right.
What's the matter? Forget your odor eaters?
That's one of them.
I think this was a mistake.
Charlene, please. You cannot avoid people like her forever.
Believe me, I know.
President Taft, Orson Welles, Gertrude Stein, Winston Churchill, Mama Cass, Pa Verratti, Delta Burke.
If any one of them walked in here, would you question their right to exercise here? No.
I don't think so. My mother used to say, if you don't have anything nice to say, well then don't say anything at all.
So the next time you go mouthing off about people who aren't perfect, remember, if it can happen to Liz Taylor, it can happen to you.
So what do you have to say about that, sister?
But it doesn't suit your head. You're really crazy. Why do you have to tell me that?
I'm here to tell you.
What is wrong with her?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
She looks just like her.
Oh honey, you're just not worth it.
This Sunday, Fox is going to make you laugh out loud with a season premiere of the Emmy award winning comedy, In Living Color.
Then catch the series premiere of a new comedy about a guy who wishes everyone could have as much fun as he does.
Chris Elliott stars in Get a Life.
And the Bundys are trapped in Chicago's worst traffic jam ever on the season premiere of Married with Children.
Stay tuned, Glory Days is next.
I'm James.