["America's Got Talent"]
Keep that life from coast to coast
To make you smile
I feel that look at each of you
To capture all that style
You're the red, white and blue
For fun and things you do
America, America
This is you
School these from your friends next door
They never talk
You might be a star tonight
So let that camera roll
You're the red, white and blue
For fun and things you do
America, America
This is you
["America's Got Talent"]
Ladies and gentlemen, Bob Saget.
Thank you.
Welcome to America's Funniest Home Videos.
A friend of mine who hadn't seen the show asked me what it was about,
and I said, it's about a half hour.
And he said, hey, Bob, whoa, get serious.
But you can't get serious with tapes like these.
Sitting on Lara Jean Firenze's lap is a kinkajou,
a nocturnal creature native to Mexico and South America.
They dislike bright sunlight and prefer shady, out-of-the-way areas.
["America's Got Talent"]
Now, you've got to know that I don't have time to personally view all the tapes we get in.
So our show has a small army of highly trained, overworked, undershowered,
professional screeners who view your tapes 16 long hours a day.
Now, these people gave me a few notes for you tape sender-inners,
and I think I'll take them out right now and read them.
These are actually from our screeners.
This one is from Tim, and it says,
Dear public, please remember to queue up your tapes.
Don't send us six hours of Grandma Bella's 95th birthday party
with a note that says, hey, there's something funny here.
I shot it. You find it.
That was from screener Tim, but don't worry about Tim.
He's got a bit of an attitude problem.
This note to you is from our screener Sarah.
Now, she never leaves the office, and she writes,
The fluorescent lighting has ruined my tan, and I haven't had a bath in weeks.
I have no social life, and I'm a prisoner of video.
Help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me, help me.
Help me.
But all in all, we really do love you guys,
and it's tapes like these that make it worthwhile.
Hey, Jeffrey, you think that rope's gonna hold your weight?
Oh, no problem.
This is great. We're perfectly synchronized.
Up and back. Did you hear that?
It sounded like a chain breaking.
Okay, kids, I'll do the Tarzan yell one last time, but this is it.
Ah!
A family isn't complete without a pet.
Be it a goldfish, a gerbil, a hamster, a cat.
I was just getting to you.
And, of course, dogs.
Here's a typical American scene.
A man, a plastic spider, a little boy dressed up in a mouse suit,
and a golden retriever.
So named because, well, he retrieves.
Oh, the baby's crying, and Fifi is concerned.
Fifi doesn't understand.
Fifi doesn't care.
Fifi wants a wafer.
We Dobermans are the toughest dogs in the world,
so why am I a total wimp?
I'm allowing this hard-hatted, dirt-dumping construction worker to ruin my day.
I'm a loser.
Oh, the humiliation.
Oh.
Oh, no. What does he think this is, the Kentucky Derby?
Here's the question of the week.
Why am I putting up with this?
I'll tell you why.
Because I love that kid.
Oh.
Now, here's a talented dog whose Bach is worse than his bite.
Every time Abby Jean hears the final answer on Jeopardy,
she thinks she has the question.
The answer is this.
Solo.
This artist has had more Billboard number one hits than any other.
29 in all.
Good luck.
You hold up a biscuit, and you ask the dog to speak.
The dog sits up and barks, which translates into,
don't patronize me, Bozo, give me the crummy biscuit.
But what if the dog actually speaks?
Well, watch and listen carefully.
You have to say mama.
Mama.
No, you have to say mama.
Mama.
Mama.
I can't believe this. Let's hear mama again.
Mama.
I love galloping through the forest, nostrils flaring, shanks wet with sweat,
and I love it even more on a horse.
Because I love horseback riding.
Better make that horse neck riding.
Look at the grace.
The beauty.
The symmetry.
The lineage.
The finesse.
The bruises.
You know, maybe we should just sit this one out.
Okay, that's it. I think I'll just walk home.
Ask any golfer what the most important part of his game is,
and he'll turn to you and say, shut up, I'm in the middle of my swing.
This golfer has a large handicap, and most of it's in his shirt.
Coming up, some incredible amateur athletes who redefine the word amateur.
Keep your eye peeled, because we'll show you a guy who couldn't run his way out of a paper bag.
And we'll show you some camera tricks you can do at home.
America, America.
When my boyfriend invited me for pasta, he served chianti.
I said, grazie. He served fettuccine.
I said, grazie. He served grated topping.
I said, hold your horses, bucko.
See, some grated toppings are only two-thirds cheese and one-third fats and fillers.
The Kraft is 100% grated Parmesan cheese.
So you see, there's grazie, and there's not so grazie.
Kraft 100% grated Parmesan for 100% great Parmesan taste.
Mmm.
The Volvo 240 has built a reputation for surviving accidents,
and we at Subaru have always been impressed by that.
So we gave the new Subaru Legacy wagon unibody construction, like the Volvo 240.
But unlike the 240, the Subaru Legacy is available with full-time four-wheel drive and anti-lock brakes,
because the best way to survive an accident is not to get into one.
Welcome back to Bob Remembers.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a professional basketball player.
In fact, there's only one thing that kept me out of the NBA,
a complete and total lack of ability and the fact that I was a geek.
Well, here are some videos that brought those days rushing back to me.
This is Chick Saget. Welcome to this fabulous pep rally and home team introduction.
When your name is called, just run around the gym and burst through the paper.
Here he comes.
So one guy fell down. Big deal.
Well, here's our next player, high-fiving his way to center court.
He's looking good.
And he's through the paper.
So two guys fell down. Big deal.
Because the next player hears the roar of the crowd.
And here he comes now. He gets high fives, low fives, and change for a five.
He rounds the far turn, and he kicks into fifth gear.
And that's some tough paper.
Number six, home team nothing.
This is the grandmothers versus the kids.
The grandmothers are in the blue, and I think they're a tad overconfident.
You see the cheerleaders, see the team.
Now see something entirely new.
Cheerleader bowling.
Everybody's saying that there's an important scout in the crowd. They really are.
They say he's either from the Lakers or the Globetrotters or the American Glass Company.
Let's see that again and feel the pain.
To a child each day is a fresh new page full of adventures and new challenges.
Well, come back with us now to those bygone days of yesteryear
and try to remember that magic moment when you first became aware of your shadow.
Hold it. There's that flat guy again, all dressed in black.
He's hooked to my feet and I haven't been able to shake him.
He seems to be attached to my shoes. Maybe I could unhook him.
No, it's not working.
Go slide on the slide. Go follow me.
Maybe he won't bother me here on the grass.
Darn, he does everything I do. I hate a copycat.
How come he's never around when it's cloudy?
Well, maybe I'll be safe on the slide.
Good. Looks like he's gone. I'll just stay here for the rest of my life.
So, you've taken videos of your wife cooking, the kids playing, and the dog sleeping.
It'd be better for our show if the wife was playing, the kids were sleeping, and the dog was cooking.
Now, that could be obtained through camera tricks.
What are camera tricks, you ask? Look at this.
Through the magic of trick photography, this kid makes this ball come back to him over and over again.
Even things that he threw away a week ago are coming back to him.
How did he do it?
Easy. See, he's lying on his back.
Come on, Dad, this will be great for my video. Drop that plastic bowl on my head.
Ouch. Thanks, Dad.
Look at this. This man is standing on one finger.
The strongest man in the world?
Actually, no. He's just sharpening his finger. Or is he?
People ask, where are the new music video stars coming from?
Now that I see the people in this music video, you might still be asking the same question.
Now I see that the grass is greener. Is it too late for me to find my way home?
How could I be so wrong?
Where does Christopher Cox from Hayward, California buy clothes?
You guessed it at a half-off sale.
Why should I change the blame?
You were the one who left me neglected.
Apology not accepted.
Here's the Smith family of Pompano Beach, Florida, out on the bounding main to hoist their spinnaker.
For you landlubbers who don't know what I'm talking about, and I am one of you, these people are on a boat.
Sweetheart, I'm going to go adjust the jib and see if I can get this old tub moving a little faster.
What we need is a big gust of wind.
I just know that you want to be eligible for our weekly contest, so hurry up and send in your tapes.
Because the sooner you do, the more chances you have to win the weekly prize of 10,000 big ones.
And how could you forget? At the end of the season, somebody's going to win the big six figures.
You got it. $100,000.
Get ready to write down our address.