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A camel train making its stately way through the arid regions of Central Australia.
Once these ships of the desert imported from the Middle East along with their Afghan cameleers
were the only means of supplying the early pioneers and prospectors with food and equipment.
Their days were numbered in 1929 with the completion of a real connection between Adelaide
and Alice Springs.
The train was called the GAN to honour its hardy Afghan predecessors.
Perhaps these dowdy sons of the Middle East were the inspiration for the glideroil variety
club bashers we've come to see today.
But what is this unique and mysterious annual phenomenon, the variety club bash?
My taxi driver told me it was a bunch of loonies who go out bush with a load of old bangers
and bash each other up with a variety of clubs.
But could it be that simple?
Why do they do it, I asked.
It's for the kids, he replied.
It's all done for the kids.
But here the old bangers are being loaded onto the GAN for the trip to Alice Springs.
That seems a bit like cheating to me.
Let's see if we can find out what this fascinating ritual is all about.
They've got to put these things in under the wheels, see?
Right?
Because otherwise if this car comes back, it hits that one and it hits that one and
it hits that one and the last one falls off the back of the train.
But this is very technical stuff.
That's why we've got to get someone from a workshop up here to make sure that it's
done correctly.
Yeah, I haven't seen a collection of cars like this in a long time.
It's amazing.
Not since, oh, last year's bash.
That was, in fact, the last time this many cars were assembled.
Strange choice of apparel.
There seems to be some sort of game going on.
We're with Car 123.
This is the ninth bash our car's done and it's the seventh year that I've run it.
We've probably made about $150,000 so far with the car for the children's charity and
we're very, very pleased to be on it again this year.
We're looking forward to having a hell of a good time.
I'm Eddie Clark, I'm all the way from Berkshire, England and I'm a virgin on the bash and I'm
having a real great time.
All your bikes are from?
We're all POMs.
We're all POMs.
My brother lives in Adelaide for about 15 years.
He's not Australian, he's still a POM.
We're all POMs.
POMs we are.
Up the bridge.
Up the bridge.
Up the bridge.
Up the bridge.
There we go.
Hey, Paisano.
What are you looking at?
Oh, he's in this sweet.
It will be okay.
Darn it, I miss you forever and ever.
I can't make this out of toilet.
Please, please, no pictures, no pictures, please, please.
Hi, Bob.
The green day.
Would you like a little one?
We could recycle anything.
Some people seem as puzzled as I am.
Ah, this must be the mighty Gann itself.
And there's Julie Anthony, patron of the South Australian branch of the Variety Club.
It seems the bash must have some credibility after all.
And finally, the Gann moves out.
At 1.3 kilometres in length, the longest passenger train in Australian history.
These people seem really happy to see them go.
Hi, Bob! Hi, Bob!
Well, look, we don't seem to be getting much, many call-outs.
You notice that I'm on my little light flashing on the top.
It's sort of, it means that I'm on duty.
But it doesn't look as if we're getting many cars breaking down their way up to Alice.
Hello, I'm Kevin Kelly and we're on car 999 with my partner, Brian Cox.
We're on the train to Weller Springs and I think we're going to have a pretty long night.
Ah, the next morning dawns brightly and some kind of religious service seems to be taking place.
And so wives must submit themselves completely to their husbands,
just as the church submits itself to Christ.
May the Lord be with you.
Amen.
Well, last night they said, we can get off the train, no problem.
We're in Watergata.
When we got off, Tinnin and I, the train started to move just a fraction,
purely because they said they want to show the cars to the people.
The cars went by, the train went by and we saw the panlights.
And I said, you ripper, I'm off the train.
I was the only one who made it off the train, I might add.
It took us about a ten minute car chase.
We finally stopped the train. I was the only one who could stop this train.
So we got there and went back on and heaven help everybody else.
Gan, too, the Gan, Gan.
Gan, yes.
Fabulous, fabulous accommodation, superb showers, warm, wonderful.
We greatly appreciate it.
Are we in the same place?
Same room.
Well, certainly Carmen's cabin is very nice.
Thank you.
As the Gan rolls along, I wonder what the crew make of all this.
I reckon they're real good people, terrific lads.
They're doing it for worthy causes.
And watch what happens.
Have a great time.
It's been a wonderful trip.
I think everyone's enjoyed themselves.
I hope they have, anyway.
I've had a good trip.
I haven't been to bed at all for these big wrinkles around here.
It's kept me up all night long.
But I don't mind because I'm not a good driver.
I don't mind because I'm a bit of a night owl.
And, yeah, it's been great.
Do you want the trot or...?
Give us the trot.
It's a complete shimazzle.
If you ask yours, please.
And so, after 27 long hours,
which is scarcely faster than the Camel's would have been,
the Gann pulls in to Alice Springs.
It's hard to tell which are the children and which are the bashers.
Master of the world!
It was sensational.
We had such a good time.
It was full.
The people were great.
The food was great.
The entertainment was...
Yes, good. Chill over.
And the trapeze act was sensational.
Sensational.
Thanks for your noble and mischief now.
You're welcome.
East, east, east.
East that way.
Alice Springs, the springboard of the bash.
But will they now drive their cars, or will it be another train?
We're ready to go.
Trouble is we haven't got any lights.
We're not sure about the tyres.
Needs them here in the tyres,
and we're only half a tank of petrol,
so we're going to be a bit late leaving, we think.
We're just loading up today's supplies of billies.
We've got to keep these guys going.
We've filled up the pywarmer, and the microwave's going in there.
Oh, we're expecting a good time.
We're going to have a good time with all...
There'll be some hustling on this dribble, too, right?
Yeah, we will be.
All these losers here, guaranteed they're going to lose plenty of bucks.
Which way do we go?
We have absolutely no idea.
We've just paid $14,500 for first position,
and we don't even know where we're going.
Spencer, give me the mic, mate.
You've actually got the ball, but you're on the right...
It won't work, then.
Pete! Pete Cochran!
Peter Cochran!
What do we do?
We don't know!
Hang on.
Here we go.
Let's go.
Radio check.
Just go right.
Right. We don't know.
Let's go right.
Let's go. Straight on.
We're going. Thank you.
Thanks, gentlemen.
Hi, Mum. Ciao.
Wait!
Just because I've got a broken knee, you mean, horrible, awful guys, you lot!
Always got the one for two offer in the morning,
so you just need to be able to convert.
And what was that you gave me?
Bag of oranges.
Very nice this time of the morning, too.
Thanks, guys. You're going to remember your vitamin C.
Well done.
Hey, fives away!
Morning.
We can zap.
We're whizzing. We are whizzing.
We are on our way to...
You believe in magic?
On the way to Warkham.
500kms of dust, particularly.
We're going to have a great time.
And they're finally underway,
headed off from Alice Springs
on the first day of the year.
It's a great day.
They're off from Alice Springs
on the first stage of their mammoth trek to Darwin.
But I'm still no closer to knowing what a bash actually is.
Let's hope that we can soon find out.
This is what they call a fun stall.
You need to have your shots, boys,
and apparently you need to be fumigating
before you can cross into the trough.
Fumigation doesn't sound much like fun.
We've got some fruit. Would you like fruit?
Pineapple is my favourite.
Yeah, definitely not fruit.
Ah, that's a bit more naked.
While we're having a bit of a trouble with linsex, though,
so we will need to fumigate the vehicle.
We'll need to fumigate the car
just to make sure we know where it's going.
We'll need to fumigate the car
just to make sure we know where...
That's a problem, Tom.
We've been in trouble with whiteheads, too.
And what's the problem again, really?
Oh, my God.
But after the fun stop,
it's not long before the first problems arise.
This is OV10 to all the cars
who've left the fun stop and gone onto the road track.
We are supposed to leave the fun stop
and go back onto the bitumen.
This is OV10.
Bit of a balls-up, I guess you could call it.
It says quite clearly down here,
turn left, and we turn left,
and we seem to have been given a bummer.
Well, it was a bad call on the sheep.
These things happen,
but it's only been a minor catastrophe.
We're now on our way.
Up that way, chaps. Thank you.
They say turn left.
Turn left when they mean going straight on,
the bloody whackers.
Ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha!
There's a perfectly good road
between Alice Springs and Darwin,
but for some reason,
the bashers seem determined to get onto the dirt.
Coke!
They put some Coke in the esky.
We're actually doing...
We're doing a comprehensive dust check.
The fridge seems to be leaking a little bit of dust in here,
so we're checking out the back window sills at the moment,
and I'm quite sure that in a matter of moments
we'll be ready to go.
Fortunately, only two doors work, and it's these two.
Close the door.
The other side doesn't open. That's the problem.
OK.
With difficult conditions like these,
it's lucky that there seems to be
plenty of technical backup when things go wrong.
I'm Eddie Clark from Maidenhead in Berkshire.
We've just got a minor technical problem here.
I don't want to get too excited about it,
but no-one's answering is on the radio,
which is a little bit concerning,
but we'll fix it. Don't worry about that.
At least my brother says we're going to fix it.
I'm not quite sure myself.
So, we're going to have to wait
until we've got a problem.
I'm not quite sure myself.
It's all fun, isn't it, eh?
This is really good fun.
No, we got lost, actually. We went walkabout.
The driver of car 56
has been cautiously driving
over this wonderful track that we've got,
but misdirected the car in some way
and went over a ditch
and has blown a diff.
By all accounts, it's not too serious,
but we need to put a new one in it.
We're now going to hook it up to the ocker
and tow him back into lunch,
so no job too big or too small for us.
We'll get him mobile again.
We can only go along and set his pace
and hope like hell that we don't damage too much,
but these things happen
and we can't carry all the spares on board,
so these guys here just...
they're right behind us all the time,
so there shouldn't be any problems.
No worries.
Pity you didn't have a reliable car like ours.
Oh, well...
LAUGHTER
Oh, look at that!
Let's get out of here quickly.
Everywhere the Bashas find children,
they stop and distribute gifts
of confectionary, toys, et cetera.
Perhaps we're getting a clue
as to what this is all about.
Here you go, buddy. Have a good time.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Good girl.
How you going? All right, mate?
Where are you? You going to one, too?
MUSIC
Now the dust is getting so bad,
they can't see where they're going,
where they've been
or what they're passing through.
Hard to understand.
Where's the way?
Ah, selectively.
This way, mate.
And having to learn how to open and shut gates
on the properties they go through.
And now, through the technological miracle of Bashcan,
we can take you right inside one of the Bash cars
to see the Bashas in their natural habitat.
You are now in Beconica Cafe 96,
where a AB-150 international truck
born in 1961 on its fifth bash
started in a heart-to-heart to Alice Spring...
Sorry, Airs Rock in 92,
and now it's doing Adelaide to Darwin.
On our truck, we have the sufferer.
We have Carmen in the back.
Hello. Alias Amanda Well from Esmadillo.
I'm getting dressed for work now. Look, my beautiful girl.
Oh, lovely, clean clothes.
Yes, oh, they were white ones. Oh, yes.
Like me.
Amanda Well sits in the office all day.
It's a magical sir.
He goes to sleep about five minutes after we take off.
Why aren't you keeping him awake for this video?
Oh, lovely.
I've been ready for lunch. I can cut to this.
Oh, you can't have food in front of our food.
I'm a waiter. We have a chef here too.
We have a chef with a lot. He's the hot chef. Hot chef.
I'm the chef and he knows how to do the work.
He's our only man.
Yeah, he's a thrower.
Give him a one-day, I'll set him up.
Oh, we nearly lost him on the corner.
What's your name?
The chef is usually up in front driving,
but today he's feeling a little tired,
we might say.
A little tired and emotional.
So he's sitting in the pack recouping.
Someone has told me that the purpose of all this
is to raise money for children's charities,
but how it works I can't for the life of me imagine,
and how on earth can they enjoy road conditions like these?
It started off pretty rocky,
and there was a fair bit of corrugation,
and the boys handled that pretty well actually.
It wasn't easy, but it was terrific.
And it ended up this afternoon, it was a lot smoother,
a fair bit of dust though,
and driving in the sun for a little while,
but after that a sit-down was fantastic.
As the sun rises over Walkup,
the bashers are up early,
making their preparations for another day's bashing.
The first priority of course is the cars,
keeping the old bangers going.
We're looking for spare parts.
Exactly the same model as this little car here.
Exactly the same.
Actually this steering wheel is loose too, Paul.
Loose?
Is it?
Oh good, Joe.
And here we come to a fun stop.
This is where we have fun.
This is.
Is that what a fun stop is about?
Well this is what they call Devil's Marbles,
and we came out very early this morning
to set up this little fun stop,
but what we found is all these marbles here,
they're all over the place here,
so we had to move them out of the way for a start.
We piled them up there, the girls gave us a hand there,
stacked them up there,
so we've made ourselves some room for a bit of fun,
so that's all happening, and this is Devil's Marbles.
Yeah, what do you think?
Mine, mine!
Can you pass on the ground?
Now madam, what would you like done with your hair today?
I want to look beautiful.
You want to look beautiful?
How beautiful would you like to look?
As beautiful as I could, so I can get all the men excited.
Like Queen of Sheba?
Yes.
You are going to have to clean up your...
You keep coming to us crying because the boys are treating you like...
And then you go and do this.
...a tart, and then you go and do things like this,
and it's no wonder.
They're two-faced.
They are two-faced. They'll tell you you're beautiful.
They'll hate you tomorrow.
I know your type. You're the type that just walk...
I know. Yes. Yes.
In the morning you wake up and they're gone.
That's right. They're gone.
You read that in the New Idea?
Come on girls, we're leaving.
We're actually going to do some hair replacement on him now.
We've just tidied the edges up so as we can...
I have some matching hair colour here which we can put on his head
so that we have a little bit of special implanting liquid,
which I'll just undo here.
And we place that implanting liquid in spacious spots around the edge here like so.
And a little more.
Get that sitting around the edges there like so.
There. And then we get our special...
And bit by bit we replace the hair to its former glory.
Thank you.
Have you got your money back yet?
Hello Mr Cocker. Do you know the story about our lost money?
No, I don't. No, tell me. What's happened?
It's all been stolen.
Oh, it hasn't. It has.
And we're absolutely devastated.
I was hoping that you might be able to reprimand those cops.
Well, what if I could? He's done it. That's what I need to know.
I'm going to reprimand those big bully sportsmen in 90s.
Oh, not them, Bates. They're the mongrels.
They tricked us into having a few drinks.
Oh, no. Not at the Warhope Hotel.
And at 4 o'clock the money was gone.
And you were the one who was meant to get the money too.
I know. We had to pay $200 to get in here and you realised we didn't have a cracker.
No, look, I'll have to...
You still got in? Good girls. Good girls.
So I'm wondering if you can help us, please.
Well, I'll try. I'll try.
Look, I'll go and talk to the guys out of 93 first, see if I can't get the money back.
If I can't, I'll have a whip around for you, see what we can do for you this afternoon.
Did you say...? I'm sure there's something...
Did you say you had a whip?
Yeah. Well, I can provide a whip if you like.
Oh, good. Good. That's good.
Max! Excuse me, I'm from the Port of...
Yeah, certainly. Your armpits are what needs doing.
Crazy. No one is normal here.
Are they typical from Australia?
Australia is a funny country.
Mama mia, here we go again.
How can I resist you?
Mama mia, here we go again.
Bye-bye, how can I resist you?
Oh, the drooling started.
Oh, the drooling started.
And so on from the fun stop,
where more than a little evidence of skull-duggery and shady practices
seems to be creeping into the proceedings.
Working, working, working,
for the Gs.
Working for the Gs.
Let's hear.
Working, working, working,
for the Gs.
Working for the Gs.
Let's hear.
Working for the Gs.
Let's hear.
Whoo-hoo!
Working for the kids, they seem.
But to me, it just looks like driving through impossible conditions
and playing games.
I feel I'm definitely missing something.
Working, working, working for the Gs.
Working for the Gs.
Let's hear.
Working, working, working for the Gs.
Working for the kids, specially.
Working, working, working for the Gs.
Special, specially.
Working, working, working for the Gs.
FASH, the most exciting and sensational event of my life.
This is my fifth, and I think it's very personal to me.
I feel very passionate about it. We raise a lot of money.
Special, specially.
This is my first, but I have to agree with it.
Everything, it's fantastic, and it's all for the kids.
It's all for a good cause.
Let's hear.
Special, specially.
Still more evidence of slightly underhanded dealings.
We have world-exclusive rights for the Olympics tomorrow, for advertising.
You guys, you're a bit out-dated, 70s.
I have opportunity, television, radio, or press,
for tomorrow's advertising for you, for the team.
So we have for you television rights. That's what I recommend.
What do you reckon? Excuse me. Excuse me, official. Mike.
Is that black and white television, man?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We upgrade.
Flair pair, color TV.
Color TV, man? Color TV?
No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But that's extra, of course.
Extra what?
So we have here the special rights. What would you like to buy?
Right, who's authorizing manager here?
You need to consult your manager.
OK, OK, we'll authorize.
OK, sign here. Put flower here. Put flower.
Nice, daisy, daisy.
No, that's an X, you dumb-boy.
Ah, some local wildlife at last.
Oh, but look out. There's trouble.
Killer croc! Killer croc!
Oh, this is amazing and very dangerous.
I will not try this at home.
Killer croc!
Now they're driving through a creek.
Not an Australian creek by the fact that there's no water in it.
And yet more dust.
How can they possibly breathe?
Take a little piece of my soul tonight.
Take a little piece of my one and only heart.
Every little world, you can't forget me.
Where are you?
Yeah, we're in Carol 1A.
We came this here, can't we?
And wherever we are, we can watch here.
Of course we came.
On the run.
On the run.
Gentle on him, gentle on him. I need him to be careful.
Gentle on him, gentle on him. I need him tonight.
Miles and miles of dust and then a short break for oysters in the dust.
Incredible.
We'll just have a little oyster session.
We're having afternoon tea and a quiet rest after the dusty afternoon.
Canapes.
What a job well done, Bo.
A few smoked oysters for the boys and girls.
Have a look.
We'll whip you out the blue light and put a place on the deck.
Mmm, that's thrashing.
And into glorious Tennant Creek at the end of another satisfying day.
And off again in the morning towards Daly Waters.
On a proper road even.
Look, there's no dust and a little white line down the middle.
Wonderful.
Uh oh, I've heard about this car.
Its crew are pretty unsavoury characters, I believe.
Let's have a closer look on Bashcan.
Let's go.
Yeah.
We're going to get lost.
We don't get lost. We just fall at the top, on the bottom.
There you go kids.
But no, more presents for the kids.
These bashers may be thoroughly dishonest and unscrupulous,
but I must admit they're all heart when it comes to kids.
This was one of the most exciting parts, I think, seeing all these children.
And I love the lollies.
I just keep passing them out.
Have you got enough lollies there?
You sure you don't want any more?
I've got more here.
Look there's more and more and more.
This afternoon we've got the Olympics on.
We're in the Swedish team and I would think that the Swedish team,
our odds on to take it out at the end of the day,
I'd say put your money on the Swedish team.
In fact we'll give you a quick... Here we go.
Oh when the Swedes go marching in, oh when the Swedes go marching in,
this is how we win the Olympics, oh when the Swedes go marching in.
We, the Easter, and I welcome you to the tiny kingdom of Ballywotak.
It is a drug free country with no corruption or violence.
Yes, sir, sir.
It is with pleasure that we give you the freedom of the country.
Play fair and stick it up them.
I declare the 1996 Bright Olympic Games open.
Into the arena, our first team from Australia.
They'll be followed by Ireland, Japan, New Zealand, all the way across the ocean,
Sweden, from around the other side of the world and in between Uganda.
Woo, yeah.
Woo, woo-hoo.
Woo, woo-hoo.
Hey hey.
Well done, you guys. Ireland, sorry.
Okunichiwa!
Benza.
Okunichiwa!
Oh.
Hussup.
Hussup.
Hussup.
Hussup.
Oh, damn it.
Cowboy, cowboy, cowboy.
Cowboy, cowboy, cowboy.
Cowboy, cowboy, cowboy.
Cowboy, cowboy.
Hey!
Listen now, we're in the Olympics.
When the Swedes go marching.
Oh, we miss you!
Oh, my dear!
Cyclists to the start line.
This is a cycling event. New Zealand have it in the bag.
Our wheels have been polished, spitting polished. Hey!
Everything's above board here.
Oh, great. Great. Confident. Confident.
We are going fantastic. We've trained all day for this.
It's a magnanimous event, and there's no doubt we'll lead off with a goal.
No, we don't, Chief.
We're just keeping everyone else.
Well, we've been employed as the... put in the official drug testing position,
and it's quite obvious by the build of some of the contestants
that things aren't quite what they should be.
And in the last event, you may have noticed there was some skullduggery,
so the result was that officials said, please test first place.
Now, they haven't accepted our opinion yet, but we're quite sure
that in a matter of moments the New Zealand team will take out that event.
And to prove that we know what we're doing, we have our qualified drug tester here.
And here's qualified drug testing kit with all the bits and pieces that everyone needs.
And to show you that it's above board, we'll give you an example of how it's done.
Yes.
At the next test.
OK, that's right. Now, we can do a drug test on somebody who...
It's only two speeds, fast and flat out.
Who's large, bulky and physically...
A typical Swede.
Watch this. This is typical of what happens in Sweden.
Could you come here, please, sir?
Certainly. We're going to do a demonstration drug test.
I'm quite sure that you won't come up positive,
but if you don't mind, would you cooperate with us?
I'll cooperate.
100% confident that I'm...
Very gently and carefully, because we don't want to hurt him.
Ah!
Very carefully.
Just pop that in.
We're looking for a clear. It should stay clear.
It should stay perfectly clear.
OK.
That's the sample.
We do need to add the test in.
That's going to be positive and negative.
OK.
If it stays clear, that means the drug free.
It's...
Oh!
Oh!
No way!
I've been framed!
I guess the example there is probably a poor one.
Unfortunately, we've exposed your techniques.
And if you have a look closely as far as hormones and what they can do,
have a look at this here, and this is what happens
if there's too much of this sort of thing.
And essentially, that's what we're here to do.
And that these games stay perfectly aboveboard and legitimate.
And he is our star in our ski team.
Come here, I've got to rub you down.
Come here, I've got to rub you down, get your legs right.
Oh, look at him. Look at him.
Remember him from the last three limps, he's been downhill.
Hang on a minute. OK, coach.
I'm pumped up here, coach.
I'm really pumped up.
What the hell have I got to do, coach?
You're fine.
You're musky.
Jump on! Jump on!
Set!
Oh, yeah!
He's out of it.
Look out, Arlen.
How was that?
His head...
How was it? Was it good for you?
It was good for me as well.
Oh!
I want to get out of the press code.
I just had the U-game to put a gun to my head to change the results.
So I don't know what you guys do normally, but I'm out of this game. I'm out.
Backs game, backs game.
I am the boss!
I am the boss!
We will be through this one.
I'll shoot him and fix it. It's guaranteed.
Guaranteed? We'll stand here and just make sure.
We can't do that.
We're the timekeepers.
We're the timekeepers. We're three-fourths of the officials.
We've got three scorecards.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, you can.
It's possible. It's possible.
What are you doing for us? Real quick.
So the make-up for the last one?
Guess what, my trigger...
What are we going to do?
We had an injury in the last event.
One of our runners went down with the horse and unfortunately the horse had a broken leg.
And we did have to shoot it.
Pass that on to the vet.
I have been doing numerous drug tests on all of our people.
And I must say that most of them have come through quite clean, quite clean.
The drugs we use these days are very, very good.
Other than that, no, it's been a very clean day so far.
And we hope it keeps up that way.
Thank you.
Oh, no. More confusion into it.
The timekeeper's been found with anabolic steroids on him.
Perfect.
Here I am.
Film her up.
Music
What a great day it's been here.
As the sun does set, the torch goes out on the Olympic Games and concludes what a great
day it's been here at Daly Waters.
That day they're off again, this time towards Catherine and soon the exacting scientific
skills of navigation are called into play.
Hold the phone, hold the phone.
What are you doing?
Just hold the phone.
So don't go out there, it's down the edge of the bloody road you idiot.
What are you doing?
You gotta go around and go straight up.
No just park on the edge of the road facing that way and stop.
What?
Don't argue with the navigator.
This is typical, this is typical.
This is typical.
This is typical.
This is typical.
This is typical.
This is typical.
This is typical.
This is typical.
This is typical.
Listen..
No, no, listen.
Don't have to..
How many turns have we had yesterday?
Two.
And you got them both wrong didn't you?
Well yes.
I mean, I don't, I don't, just be quiet.
I need a pen.
I need a pen.
You need more than a pen.
This is a situation..
You ever thought of a psychologist?
No, no, just watch.
I think, I think we're on the wrong road.
No we're not, never is.
We love you. Is this the right way?
It's not.
Don't bother us. We're going to the airport.
I don't know what we're going on.
This is not the right way?
Geez, we're in trouble.
Have you got sort of a fly drive ticket or something like that?
Mate, I think we'd better turn around, actually.
You think we're going the right way?
I think we're going the right way.
You got a pen?
Well, you see, we've actually travelled like half a kilometre since we...
We've travelled half five of a kilometre straight on.
Yeah, well we...
We've travelled 1.58 straight on.
And we turned left.
So what you're saying is that we've done now three quarters of a kilometre
and we're on the wrong road?
Absolutely.
Just go back there, guys.
Okay, thank you very much and have a good flight.
That's fantastic. Goodbye.
We'd call it...
Love to see you again.
Horizontally handicapped.
Don't hit the car.
I told you this was the wrong road, didn't I?
You're abusing me.
Telling me, oh, look, you've made the wrong decision.
I could have let you go 20 kilometres down there.
And, and what would have happened then?
We would have been lost.
You would have been deeper in the shed.
Exactly.
And so the bash proceeds.
And what it means and how it works
is becoming less and less clear to me.
1
With so many cars and so many people,
how on earth do they organise it all?
Our working role is, um,
we have to provide a safety network
for the for the bashes. We do that with HF radio. The official vehicles and mobile workshops
have HF radio and what we basically do is coordinate it all. We like to be at the overnight
stop before they leave their previous morning stop which involves sometimes getting up at
two or three o'clock in the morning travelling four or five hundred kilometres and settle
the vehicle up and with aerials and whatever you can talk to them all day.
That is a Roger D Duckie Duckie Breaker Breaker and it's working like a charm. Big Daddy.
I know all that CB talk.
The car won't fix these, got a problem with the fuel pipe going into the carburettor and
we're just making up a new thread to fix it.
We'd really extremely like to thank all the mechanics for helping us out. Not that we
have had much trouble but when we have they have done an extremely good job in getting
us going again.
A little bit upset at first because we stopped here strategically placed on the side of the
road because we just couldn't go any further and we got out, scratched our heads and had
our coke on the ground and the first thing they did was knock me can of coke over. Spilled
it everywhere so now I'll have to go back to Orange juice and it's not impressed at
all. I'll forgive them if they get the car going.
Hey, I just got on the, you hungry Dad?
Yeah I'm starving mate, I'm starving.
How about a pie?
Nah I prefer a roast lamb, you got it?
No roast lamb, come on. Jesus. We've got everything else and we should be able to get
roast lamb for these guys.
Alright.
Even the local cattle seem to have taken on some of the bashers madness. What on earth
are they up to now? Oh lord, they're going to have a wash. At last.
The worst dust that I've seen in six bashes, not a hard bash but a really dirty bash,
but knowing that at the end of it we had this water hole to get into, it just sort of kept
us going. But that's the dirtiest we've ever been, we've had hands that look like mechanics
hands and that's just from holding the steering wheel. So we just knew that the spring was
near and we just kept walking from the car and just walked straight on in here, absolute
life saver. It's been a really hot day and so dirty, but great, a lot, lot better than
doing ironing and needle work, I can tell you.
And again, shady dealings raise their ugly head.
The kind of fruit, things are going bad and we were in the fruit game but now we're diversifying
into insurance so we're entering crocodile country, it's $200 for crocodile attack insurance,
underwritten by Christopher Scarce, please. Can I have your $200, thank you very much.
Scarce, very scarce, $200. This gentleman's going to get his $200 eventually, he's just
looking for the wallet, he's a bit tight in the wallet department, this man. Now if you
don't come out with the money we'll have the crocodile sort of wet your tires here. You
wouldn't want wet tires, $200 is better than wet tires, that's it. Good on your back, $200
for the kids will come in handy. $200 for the kids, thank you very much.
I cannot believe how hard it is to navigate, look at that. Straight on, straight on, straight
on, straight on, straight on, straight. I can't believe it, I'm going to put a star next to
a turn right. Ah, the beautiful Catherine Gorge, this seems to me to be a much more civilized
way to travel, more a glide than a bash. I think the nice part of having something like
this within the bash is that you work so hard with your cars and bashing throughout the
whole week, have some bit of relaxed time with the party such as last night and coming
here this morning is a real treat after such a dusty day. It's like fishing anywhere though
in Australia, you know, you've got to be patient. You've got to be patient.
But back to the old banners.
Scoring, oh absolutely marvelous, one right, three foot in front of the flag, unbelievable,
unbelievable, all the way along the ground, caught up in the flag and stood there.
This week's been good, I think it's been very interesting and very creative, the bash
committee to put us on the train for the first 1500km and then to drive the rest of it on
these roads up our old roads, old cars, it's meant a lot, it's been great.
What can you say when you're stopping in the middle of nowhere and have prawns and oysters
and everything laid on, it takes your breath away doesn't it?
We're in the Batmobile, it's probably up the front leading the pack, it's probably the
best cars, we have no dust leaks, we've got a lot of good guys in there, good navigators,
good drivers, but we've obeyed the rules and I think we're leading, great work.
Well I mean the great thing is that we're raising money for charity for kids, I mean
that's fantastic, you really see that when you drive through the towns, there's probably
20, 30 kids, all that station where there was one child that hadn't seen other kids
for three months, I mean it's just great I think to give them a bit of something out
of the ordinary, they see 50, 80 cars that are a bit different, everyone's dressed up
weirdly, gives them something to talk about.
Dust.
Heartache.
Dust.
Pain.
Dust.
Sore throat.
Enjoyment.
Great people.
Fun.
Kids.
But what is the actual philosophy of the Glideron Variety Club bash?
Robbery and corruption, that's basically the, that's the crux of the whole operation.
The idea behind having the bash money is to be able to buy and sell your way through difficult
times and situations that might well be created by other bashers or in most cases by official
vehicles or people like me.
Now if you happen to cheat, that's fine, but it's a real sort of turn the wheel situation
on the basis that you can be fine for not enjoying yourself, you can be fine for over
enjoying yourself, you can be fine for not cheating, you can be fine for cheating, so
basically whatever happens, we just keep finding them, sensationally.
So that's it, bribery and corruption in aid of a good cause.
This could revolutionise world politics.
I trust you.
I trust you.
None.
I'm in a line, so it was mine.
Thank you gentlemen.
Thank you.
See you later.
Time for the traditional game of throwing little green and yellow barrels.
They really are off with the fairies.
Well I mean it was a dispute over what a barrow is and frankly, I mean we've set the rules
and this bloke who I've never met and I don't even know if he's on the bash has come in
with another wheelbarrow and is now saying that he's got the barrow.
It's given me a very difficult problem because I've got to control the event, things probably
out of control now.
Now that's a barrow.
Close your eyes.
What have you got?
Make a wish.
I wish I had a box of tin cans.
Is your wish coming true?
Is it coming true?
No, hurry up.
Is it coming true?
It's coming true.
Is this carrying miles or is it in kilometres?
Matey I'm in miles here and miles over here.
What are you working on?
Kilometres.
We've been doing this for nearly five years now, matey.
What we'll do is we'll change the speed.
We'll turn it the other way.
Tell him we're off.
We're off now.
Indicator on, defensive driving school.
Have a look at this.
Get a load of this.
You should feel pretty bad because you're the only third car in six years left past.
We'll take that as a golden result.
We appreciate that.
How do the Bashers manage to hold themselves together physically and psychologically?
We're here to make sure that the Bashers get going again every morning and they are quite
happy to come and talk to us about their problems that can be medical or injuries or just things
that crop up in seven days with 400 people or something moving around the desert.
And into Jabiru for the night and to sum up the whole Bash experience.
It's very unfortunate that Kevin couldn't join us on this Bash.
I hope that you've all signed the flag because Ivan assures me that that will get home very
early next week and we've represented to him at Renmark.
But this guy once again has raised a lot of money for variety.
It's very unfortunate that this guy is so sick and couldn't be with us.
But please a big hand for the guys that are in his car, the 2D car.
We believe these two people support our cause as best as anybody could in South Australia.
When we were on the four wheel drive this year we met them at Tarkula washing wind screens.
All throughout the year these two girls just worked their butts off.
They've washed a thousand cars to be here tonight.
They've done so much for our cause, the pink ladies.
I found this bloke about 2.30 in the morning, completely lost.
Had lost his shoes, couldn't find his hat.
When I established where he was I went to every room in the car to find out that no,
get that piss off, what are you, no, he's not in here, piss off, no, there's no one in here.
So I actually then went and got the conductor and said,
you better look this guy up and find out where he is.
We were two cars away from where he should have been.
Podge Car 36, you are it, where are you guys?
Imagine being out in the back of Utopia, you've come across this native camp.
With a stuffed diff, how lucky could you be to find an upturned Holden
out in the middle of the nowhere with a stuffed diff, just the one you want to fit your car.
So the guys started to do that, the spanner slipped off the diff, taking your finger off.
You've had to be flowing to Darwin to get it re-stitched on.
You're back on the bash.
The car's gone to Tennant Creek because the diff you were trying to get out the car wasn't worth two, Bob.
So you've had to go to Tennant Creek.
The bloke in Tennant Creek not only has supplied the diff,
he's fitted it and worked on it most of the night and got the car out for nothing.
And they're still going.
Car 56, we believe you deserve this award.
The ultimate cheating and bribing award, Scott, must go to the nuns and bananas.
Oh, gone bananas, sorry, car triple three, come on nuns.
This wasn't really hard, or we didn't believe so as officials.
And after seeing these guys in action at Elliot the other day, it wasn't hard.
Car 19, the wizards.
Cannelline car 04, come on guys, well done.
Yeah, get the hats on.
It wasn't the hats that won it for him, by the way.
I reckon that this bloke hadn't done a bad effort.
He's prepared probably about 12 of the cars on this event.
But when we saw his car at Scrutineering, we were blown out of the water.
Desi, I reckon it's a great car, mate.
And you're a very, very worthy winner of this award.
Desi Butler and his team, car 39, the Munro car.
Car 93, I'm not sure about this, they will kill me.
Guys, you've worked very hard, both teams, but you have worked extremely hard.
And it's well done.
The Stonyfield car or the Conica car this year raised $75,000.
And I think that's just a magnificent effort.
Come on, guys.
All of you, each and every one of you, I've been on the crew for nine months now.
$0.93 in every dollar, those are the kids.
It really reaches your heart to see where the money goes.
Well done to every single one of you.
I love you a lot, you.
And as a committee, we thought that this was the most worthy winner.
Car 76, the Gawler car.
Come on, Gary.
Seriously, guys, this is unbelievable.
Variety is a great organization and we're very proud to be a part of it.
My nine-year-old son, Ryan, has already picked out his theme for when he's old enough to enter his entry in.
And you're all wonderful. Thank you very much.
Bashers, as I said to you on the start line, we had a big task this year.
And I don't reckon $950,000 is a bad effort from South Australia.
We ain't meant to be going all that well.
All I can do is say, I thank you very much.
You're a great team. $950,000 is such a great effort from such a great bunch of people.
I can't say any more than that. Thank you.
And so the 1996 Glideroll variety club bash, by means of cheating, bribing, corrupting, stealing and lying,
has raised $950,000 net for sick, disabled and disadvantaged kids.
They really are great-hearted people.
And they all seem to have had an absolutely marvelous time doing it.
I take my hat off to them.
It's great seeing all the people as you come along and it's doing things for the kids.
Out in the outback, you get out in the middle of nowhere and somebody will show up
and you've done something for them.
We see a coach roll up where the kids are.
That's great.
And also just going out and seeing places, doing things with a group of guys, you know.
It's a challenge also because it's tough.
It's great stuff, yeah.
The variety club of South Australia, the children's charity, number one in the world.
Bash, a lot of fun with a lot of guys.
And at the end of the day, make a lot of money, which goes to a damn good cause.
That's about what it really means.
Doing it as a team, having a lot of fun, raising a lot of money for kids.
And that's the main thing.
Wow, yeah, if this is a good moment, this is.
At least we've got them all here.
So that's the main thing.
All in and everybody's happy, all safe.
It's a great moment.
Really done.
They've all done themselves pretty proud, these guys.
They've behaved themselves and everybody's here.
It's great stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What seems to be the problem?
We need a slide puller.
A slide puller?
Yeah.
That's got a slide.
Do we have a slide puller back there?
No, I need you to push it.
I've got a projector.
We got through scrutineering.
Hang on, this one.
That was it.
This is Dribble 2.
We're just taking that left line.
Somebody's playing a joke on us.
That's what's going on here.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
The window has to be wound up, probably.
Look at that.
Peter's a lovely man.
We get on very well, don't we?
Sometimes.
He's a very hard man.
Fair.
Hard, but fair.
A lot of rules.
Lots of rules.
Actually, he makes his own rules as he goes along.
In fact, he changes them often.
He changes rules often, doesn't he?
I don't think he's a good communicator.
He doesn't seem to tell us the rules.
He leaves the bits out for us.
He lies a bit, doesn't he?
He does lie.
He's open to corruption and bribery, which makes him an ideal politician almost, doesn't
he?
You're in trouble now.
Am I in trouble?
You're in trouble now.
I should have mentioned that.
I don't think so.
Take that bit off.
Cut that bit.
What's the location?
171.
Farther Fred from 91 to...
What's your location, please?
Next to you.
I've left this morning at 7 o'clock.
I've run all day in the heat, and I'm the only member of the whole team, and I don't
get a mention.
I asked the officials, is there anything to do with Tanzania in the middle presentations?
They said, no, go away.
I said, okay.
So I'm bringing my lawyers in, I'm bringing the whole lot in.
Discrimination, Republic of Tanzania, they're gone.
I've come all the way from Africa, and I'm dark.
Peter Cochran.
Cochran.
Oh, no, that's Chris's husband.
I saw that name written on the side of the truck.
Oh, he's here, isn't he?
Mr. Peter Cochran, our mentor and basically God, does his traditional daily talk.
Fortunately, it's very easy to keep under control.
This is how we do it.
That's it.
How are you today?
It's a great day for those dirt, rough and rocky rolls over here.
One here, keep it safe, keep it clean, and remember, no booze while you're driving.
Well, we've just been driving past here a bit.
That was a nice sound like, I'll go.
That was copper.
That was copper.
Oh, my God.
Now, wait, wait, wait.
I've got an idea.
Through the hole.
That's it.
Now, here, look, what's this?
What are you doing?
Look, I told you I'm very talented in this field, so don't worry about it.
What have we got?
Phillips head.
How do you actually turn it?
Phillips head?
Look at this.
Improvisation.
What am I going to do about here?
While you're messing around, I'll just quickly go flick.
Here it is.
Here it is.
You OK, 90 crew?
Yes.
Yeah, thanks for asking.
Cheers.
What's all this CB goodbye buddy, break it, break it crap?
The red one, the white one?
The red one is...
Is the red one the white one?
Is the red one the white one?
What a stupid thing to say is the red one the white one.
Mate, have you got a cellar and used it underground?
This would be the only car...
That's crap.
...only individual twin fans.
Because you can't have individually twin fans, you have an individual fan.
That's not quite right.
That's a play on word.
What you've done is you've tried to create an argument for something simple...
...and I'm sick and tired of all this garbage all the time.
Look, that's not an argument.
What would you know, Virgin?
An argument is the...
Look, it's just contradiction.
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
It's not.
It is.
It's not.
It's not.
Contradiction.
What about a game?
I am not.
You are.
I'm not.
You are.
I'm not.
You are.
I'm not going to argue with you.
But you did.
I didn't.
You did.
I did not.
You did.
I did not.
I've had enough of this.
Look, if you want to argue, you have to pay.
Oh, we've got to pay him.
I'm not going to argue with you.